Case History 2
Subject: Susan P. Age: Seventeen
INTERVIEW ONE
Susan P. was still a young girl when I first met her, but she was already beginning to show signs of blossoming into quite a promising woman. Already she had proven her maturity and her desire for independence, both financial and otherwise, by taking a summer job. It was indirectly due to this job that young Susan first found out about B&D, as we shall see for ourselves when we read her story.
Susan desired, as I have already mentioned, to be independent, to be free. She thought that freedom sounded pleasurable, but she was not yet aware of the pleasures of LACK of freedom, commonly known as bondage. It took an older and wiser adult to educate her to that respect.
Here is Susan's own account of how she was first brought-against her will, of course-into the fascinating world of bondage and discipline. The stroy is recorded here exactly as she told it to me upon the occasion of her first visit to my office:
Hello, Doc.
Well, I guess I'd better tell you a little bit about myself first. Not too much, just enough so that you'll understand why the things that happened happened and why I acted the way I did instead of some other way. For starters, my mother was always very protective towards me about sex. When I was very young my father either died or walked out on my mother or got THROWN out-I still don't know which, my mother has bullshitted about it so many times, and as a result she raised me single-handed.
She gave me this whole big speech all the time I was growing up about how all men are bastards, and how lucky I was to have her to tell me about this.
My mother isn't a lesbian, Doc. I don't think she's even a man-hater. I think what she is, is a COCK-hater. You see, something very unpleasant happened to her sexually, and as a result she was scared of sex.
The only problem was, she rubbed this sex fear off onto me, and when I was growing up she enrolled me in an all-girl school, with all-girl teachers, and she wouldn't even let me play with boys in the neighborhood if she could help it. When I say play with boys, Doc, I DON'T mean playing Doctor or playing You Show Me Yours and I'll Show You Mine. I could understand if my mother got uptight about me playing THOSE games. But the point is she wouldn't let me have anything to do with boys AT ALL, sexually or otherwise.
So I had absolutely no relationship at all with boys, and as a result I grew very introverted about any possible sex life I might someday have. My mother kept telling me that "some day" I'd have to face sex, and I kept putting off that "some day" because, thanks to my mother, I was scared of it.
I was completely scared of sex, Doc. I was a virgin when the thing that happened, happened, the thing that I came here to tell you about. I had practically nothing at all to do with boys, and after a few years of my mother forcibly separating me from boys I wanted to play with I found that I was starting to keep away from them on my own. As the twig is bent, so grows the sapling and all that. You wouldn't get that, Doc, unless maybe you're also a tree surgeon.
Anyway, all year every year, I went to an all-girl school, as I said. And in the summer, when school was out, my mother sent me to a girl's camp. She sent the head counselor a note saying that for health reasons I mustn't be allowed to swim in the lake, which wasn't true at all. I was perfectly healthy. The truth was my mother had heard there was a boys' camp across the lake, and she was taking NO chances. I'm surprised she didn't just soldier me into a chastity belt and throw away the key.
I went to the camp for a few summers, and it was all right. Finally, last year I was sixteen, too old to be a camper, but old enough to be a counselor. The women that ran the place offered me a job there the next summer, since I knew the place so well and because they knew I was a good kid. Well, my mother didn't want me to take the job, but for once in my life I wasn't going to let her bulldoze me. I wanted this job. I could use the money and, more importantly, it gave me a chance to prove to my mother my maturity, my independence. I wasn't a little girl anymore, I was growing up.
After a lot of yelling on both sides I got the job. It was okay, Doc, room and board and pretty good pay. PLUS I got one day off a week to do anything I wanted, even walk right out of the camp just so I got back by midnight.
That was how the trouble started.
My first couple of days off I went with some of the older girls, who had cars, to all the local movies and so on. Naturally they went to these places for one reason and one reason only, to pick up some boys. And they expected me to hold my end up in that regard.
Doc, I was scared to do it. I was scared to face a boy, I wasn't even sure if I WANTED to face one. So I made up an excuse about having a boy friend in Callicoon (one of the nearby towns) so that I wouldn't have to go with the other girls every week. They were impressed that I'd landed me "a steady," not knowing I'd made him up, and they left me alone.
On my days off I used to go off by myself, as far away from the camp as I could get. After a while I started to go hitchhiking, which was something my mother had warned me not to do, but it made me feel daring, and maybe even a little bit grown-up.
One day I was hitchhiking and this car pulled up. The guy who was driving it couldn't have been much more than twenty years old. I was surprised, because most of the people I'd gotten lifts from around here were old ladies who drove '43 DeSotos.
He asked me where I was headed. Right away I wanted to back off, but he'd gone to the trouble of stopping, so I couldn't refuse the lift.
I said I was going as far as he was going, and he seemed to think that that was funny. I wanted to get into the back seat, but he kind of pushed me into the front seat next to him-in a friendly way-and we started to drive off.
He started talking to me, asking me about myself, and after a while I started to unwind. This was the first male I'd ever spent more than five minutes with in my life. I'm NOT making that up, Doc.
I was beginning to get so interested in this guy that I didn't notice we had left the main highway and were driving along a dirt road about ten feet wide, with trees on both sides. There wasn't anybody for miles around.
All of a sudden he stopped the car next to an old barn, which was at the edge of the road. He said that there was some farm equipment in there that he wanted to load into the back seat, and he asked me to give him a hand because it was heavy stuff. I didn't want to refuse, because he'd been nice enough to give me the ride, so I got out of the car and went into the barn with him.
As soon as we got inside he slid the door shut and locked it, and the next thing I knew he was pushing me onto the ground and standing over me with a whip.
THWACK! "Take your clothes off, bitch!" THWACK! "Do as I say this minute!" I was so scared and surprised by this sudden attack that I did what he told me without thinking about it at all. It was cold in the barn and I started to shiver.
He grabbed me by the breasts and pushed me down onto the ground again. I started to holler, "Let me go, let me go!" But he just laughed at me and told me to shut up and take my punishment or else. Then he grabbed me and held me down with his knees while he started to tie me up.
He stood there and laughed at me for a while, then he put one foot on my head and pushed it down into the stuff on the floor of the barn, which was the stuff you usually find on the floor of a barn. Then he said that he MIGHT consider letting me go provided I entertained him first by obeying all his orders.
I was so scared I wasn't able to think straight, so I said I'd do it. So then he ordered me to start rolling all around on the floor of the barn, making sure that I got the dirt and everything else all over me. He saw that and said, "Oh, my, you're all dirty! You'd better take a shower!" And then he unzipped his fly and gave me a shower, but it wasn't the kind that does any good.
When he got tired of that he grabbed another rope and tied one end to my ankles, the other end around my neck. This way my legs were bent into a kneeling position, and I couldn't straighten them out unless I wanted to strangle myself.
He had me get up on my knees and then walk all around the barn kneeling down the whole way, and while I did this he walked two steps behind me giving me another shower. The stuff trickled down my back and itched like crazy. I asked him how long he planned on keeping me there, because if I didn't get something to eat soon I'd starve to death.
He laughed at that and said in that case he'd better give me something to eat. Then he walked around in front of me-I was still on my knees and tied up, Doc-and stuck his, shall we say, shower head into my mouth. It tasted so awful I tried to spit it out but I couldn't, there was so much of it.
He picked up that whip again and said that if I knew what was good for me, I'd start sucking. Well, I started to suck because I was too scared not to.
Up until now, Doc, I had been such a total virgin that I hadn't even known what the thing between a man's legs looked like. When I started sucking that thing I still was pretty ignorant on the subject, so you can imagine how surprised I was when I found out that the thing in my mouth was getting BIGGER! It was like it was ALIVE or something.
As it got bigger it got harder, and by now I was so scared I was literally going crazy. And then all of a sudden that penis just blew up in my face and sent something hot and sticky down my throat, and I was so surprised that all I could think of was to say "Oh, my God, I KILLED IT!"
Well, the guy seemed to be satisfied then. He untied me and gave me my clothes back, and even slipped me ten dollars. "You won't tell anybody about this," he said, "because you'll be too ASHAMED to." And the hell of it is I found out that he was right.
He gave me my clothes back except for my panties, which he said he wanted to add to his collection, and then threw me out of the barn and said to run like hell and not come back. I did. It took me almost an hour to get back onto the main road, and when I got there I was so dirty and walking so strangely-I could still feel the ropes around my naked flesh-that I don't blame anybody for not picking me up. I walked all the way back to the camp, and I ran into the shower-a REAL one this time-and got really clean before anybody had a chance to see me, because that would have been too humiliating for me to stand at all.
Well, Doc, that was the very first encounter with sex I'd ever had. Up until then I'd never even held hands with a boy.
It was the first time, like I said, but it wasn't the last time. I'd like to tell you about what happened to me next, but I see that there's another patient outside, and she looks like a desperate case. So maybe you can give me an appointment to come back some other time, and I'll tell you about it then?
INTERVIEW TWO
Naturally I did not hesitate to give Susan an appointment for another session in my office. I was very interested in her case, more than i was in that of any of the other people I was seeing at the time. (I might add that the so-called "desperate case" which Susan referred to was not a patient at all, it way my wife. And she doesn't suffer from any disease. It happens that she was BORN that way.)
AHEM! At any rate, here is what Susan had to say to me during her return engagement to my office. I have recorded the fascinating account here verbatim:
Well, Doc, here I am again. What I have to tell you now took place right after what I told you about last time, with nothing in between, so I'll just go right into it, unless there's something you forgot about what I told you last time that you'd like me to remind you of.
Oh, you remember it all, huh? Yeah, I figured you would. It's not the kind of thing you forget very quickly, though I guess a doctor like you has heard so many far-out stories that mine must be kind of lost in the shuffle. Well, anyway, here goes.
I think I told you about how, as soon as I got back into camp I ran into the showers and cleaned myself off so nobody would notice anything. Yeah. Well, the problem is they DID notice. They started acting differently around me, and I realized that it was because I was acting different around THEM. I was more paranoid, like everybody was out to tie me up and rape me-what a dumb idea, who'd want to tie ME up?-and I started acting more irritable too.
Well, Miss Nogginbocker, who was the old dyke who ran the camp, called me into her office one day and demanded to know what was wrong. She said, "And you needn't lie about it either. I've seen far too many girls in your condition NOT to know that you've lost your virginity."
Well, Doc, by now I had to tell SOMEBODY, so I told her. Miss Nogginbocker had figured I'd just met some guy and we'd fucked, because that was what usually happened with the girls she'd seen, but when I told her exactly what had happened she seemed surprised. She didn't seem TOO surprised, though, which kind of surprised ME.
She looked at me very oddly for a while, and then she said: "Susan, do the words 'corrective restraint' mean anything to you?" I shook my head. ,'What about 'bondage and discipline'?" I said I thought they were a vaudeville team that played the Palace back in '28.
She looks at me a little harder, then she unlocks a drawer in her desk and takes out some magazines and tells me to look at them.
I did. They were sex magazines. People fucking people, people fucking animals, leather, rubber, plastic, S&M, B&D, A&P-all kinds of sex that I've never heard of.
Miss Nogginbocker tells me about bondage and discipline, and then she said, "Susan, I want you to understand that B&D is a perfectly normal part of human sexuality. Sex is nothing to be scared of, and since B&D is just one of the slightly less popular forms of sex there's no reason to be afraid of it at all. So you had sex with a man. Big deal. That's no crime. Lots of women do it every day. Some even do it for a living."
Well, at first I thought that she was just trying to cheer me up, to help me rationalize about what had happened so that I wouldn't be upset about it. But she kept on talking, and all of a sudden I realized that this woman was trying to bring me INTO the B&D scene!
The next thing I knew, Doc, she was offering to do B&D with me. Right away I backed off. Maybe sex between a guy and a chick is okay, but sex between two chicks or two guys ISN'T. It's a disease, Doc, and people who go in for that are sick. I don't see why they do it, Doc, I really don't, because I think a man and a woman together are just so beautiful that I don't know why anybody would settle for anything else.
Anyway, I told her politely but firmly that she could forget it, and then she looked at me and said I was fired.
I went home in disgrace. My mother didn't know about my sex act, and she wasn't GOING to know, but to her mind just my being fired was a federal offense. All the way home I started thinking about what had happened. I remembered what Miss Nogginbocker had told me. "Don't be afraid of sex." The wheels of the train I was riding stopped going clickety-clack, clickety-clack, and started going don't be afraid, don't be afraid!
Then I remembered what that guy had said to me in the barn, and now the train wheels were going take off your clothes, get on the floor, take off your clothes, get on the floor!
I remembered how I'd felt when he'd done what he'd done, and I remembered how I'd felt when I'd seen the pictures in the magazines that Miss Nogginbocker had showed me. And I heard the train saying to me don't be afraid, don't be afraid, and I suddenly realized that not only was I not afraid of sex, but in fact I wanted it!
And the kind I wanted was B&D. It was all I could think about now. I couldn't wait for another chance to feel a man pulling a rope against my body tightly, and I shut my eyes and relived that day in the barn. And then I opened my eyes and looked out the train window, and another train went by from the Baltimore & Ohio Railway, but by now I was so excited that when I looked at the train instead of seeing "B&O" on the side I saw "B&D." Two hundred freight cars all with "B&D" on the side! That was when I knew I had the bondage scene in me bad.
I HAD to get back into it!
When I went to New York I started talking to an older friend of mine who's more sophisticated about sex than I am. (Her name's Patia, Doc, and she's the one who recommended me to you.) She told me about how she and a friend of hers, named Froggy Somethingorother, used to go to meetings every week of some kind of Society that was into bondage and discipline and punishment. I think it was called the Glockenspiel Society, or something like that.
Naturally I went to the meeting with them, but I told my mother I was going to a slumber party (all girl, of course) and I might be gone all night. I said that in case I picked up some action sooner than I expected to. I went to the meeting with Patia and her friend. It was held in some church for queers called Saint George the Divine or something. (All those fairies think that any guy who dresses funny like those saints did is divine.)
I went to the meeting with them, and it was a bummer. Half the people there were completely strung out, and the other half kept running around yelling, "Are you an S? Are you an M?" And these strange noises kept coming out of one of the darker corners of the room. It was all fucked up. I wasn't interested in ANY of these people, even if they WERE into bondage. They were all weirdos. I remembered how strange Miss Nogginbocker had acted and I was beginning to think all bondage fans are sick. I was starting to think I'd made a mistake.
All of a sudden somebody grabs me from behind by the shoulder, and turns me around. He points at me and says, "You!" And I took one look at his face and I knew oh God, this was it. I couldn't disobey this guy whether I wanted to or not. And the hell of it was I didn't know whether or not I wanted to.
He led me right past a whole bunch of weirdos and into another room, and then he closed the door and locked it. "Take off your clothes," he said softly. "Now!"
I stripped. It was dark in that room. The only light was a tiny red light bulb like in a photographic darkroom. I stripped, and then he had me turn around slowly sp that he could see my body from every angle. I felt embarrassed and pleased at the same time, I don't know why. All of a sudden he pushed me onto the floor, face down, and stuck his boot under my face. "Lick it,., he commanded, and the way he did it it was impossible for me NOT to. As I licked it I could feel him tying my hands behind my back with a leather thong, and I liked the feeling of it biting into my flesh, even though it was so tight that I could hardly feel the blood flowing through my veins.
In a corner of the room was a sawhorse, and he dragged me across the room on my knees and slung me across this with my ass sticking up. Then he tied my wrists to my ankles to' that I couldn't straighten up. I was beginning to get scared a little, I wondered if maybe I was doing the right thing.
I didn't have much time to think about it, though. He tied my elbows against my knees, so that I had even less chance of escaping, and then he picked up a board and let me have it right across the butt. WHAP! Doc, that hurt, but somehow I got the feeling that I WANTED that hurt, that I NEEDED it. I can't explain the way I felt about it to you, but if you've talked to any other bondage freaks maybe you know what I'm talking about.
The board just kept on banging me, WHAP! WHAP! WHAPPITY-WHAP! and somehow the harder it hit me the more excited I got. The only light in the room was that little red light bulb, so that when I looked at my arms and my shoulders and my legs they were all bright red, and I started imagining that I was in Hell, burning up from all the flames, and just the thought of being in those flames, of burning up, of literally getting hot from them made me FEEL hot. The excited feeling I was getting in my butt started to spread through my hips and into my pelvis. I shifted my weight slightly and I felt the edge of the sawhorse press against my clitoris.
All of a sudden I feel this really big explosion inside, and I suddenly KNOW that I'm having an orgasm, which is something I'd never had before. And as soon as that happens the guy stops hitting me and opens the door so all the other people can see me and says, "Behold my latest conquest!" And then all the people started laughing at me, and when that happened the next thing I knew I was having another orgasm, and I loved it.
The guy left the room to pick up some other chick, and Patia and Froggy untied me and took me home. I said that I thought I liked the B&D scene, but I was a little worried about going into it all the way. Patia explained that that was the one big risk of B&D and S&M. That if one did it with strangers, people whom one didn't know, one was taking a hell of a chance. She said that the thing to do was to do it only with people I could trust. People like her and Froggy. And since they had a few friends that they knew THEY could trust, they promised to introduce me to them. And they were sure that the FRIENDS had a few friends, and that the friends of the friends had a few, etc!
Oh, look at the time. Well, Doc, I hope you'll excuse me, but I've got to get out of here. I have to meet some friends. I can come back to your office again if you want, but not for a while yet. I'll be tied up till the end of the month!