Chapter 2
LAURA
The subject is a nineteen year old black girl who works as a file clerk in a large advertising agency in Chicago. Although Chicago has a very large Negro population she is the only member of her race in this particular firm. I interviewed her at an apartment she is sharing with two other black girls.
"You might call me the 'house nigger' at my ad agency. I'm sure that I had been hired simply as show, but this doesn't mean I can take it easy at work. I do my job and do it well. If I ever get tired there are a dozen girls ready to step into my place.
"You see, ad agency work is considered a glamour occupation and girls with romantic notions in their heads vie with one another just to be a file clerk in it. I had these same notions once, but this was before I grew up.
"I was born right here in Chicago, but in an area called the black belt. My parents, like so many other Chicago blacks, came from the South in search of better jobs. My father worked as a floor waxer and my mother did domestic jobs on the side to support me and four other kids.
"It wasn't easy but we managed to get along. No matter how bad things were my parents would always tell mc that it was worse down South. What they did miss, however, was the weather. In winter, Chicago can be a very rough town, especially for the poor.
"Once I graduated high school I took this place with a couple of my classmates. One of them is a waitress and the other works as a typist for the state. Individually, we don't make much money, but when we pool our paychecks, we can afford this apartment and a car. Life is good and I'm not complaining.
"A few months ago I didn't think that life was all that beautiful. It started when I went to work for the ad agency. As the only black in the place I really stood out and I felt self-conscious.
You whites don't know the feeling of being so out-numbered by members of another race.
"Just go to the black belt to live and work for awhile and you'll see what I mean. You're afraid that you won't be judged on your own merits, but as a representative of your entire race. If you fail your whole race will fail.
"When I first started work I had the idea that the whites were just waiting anxiously for my first mistake. Luckily I managed to survive those first few weeks without mishap and I began to relax.
"Since I was the only black in my office my romantic life seemed to be at a dead end, unless I went in for inter-racial love. I've always been popular with boys, but I had never gone out with a white one yet. There were some fellows near my age and single at the office, but all were strictly WASPS.
"They were nice enough, but I was afraid to lei any of them get too close to me. An affair with a white boy would never lead me to the altar.
"My roommates worked in places that had plenty of black boys and I had to depend on them for dates. Once these fellows found out I was working for an all white office. They would call me a 'Tom' which is another word for house nigger. I told them that I still considered black beautiful, but, after awhile, I got tired of always defending myself and my job.
"About five weeks after I first started work I began to get interested in a white fellow named Charles. This was ironic because blacks call white men Mr. Charlie which is a racial slur. Charles knew about it and he liked to kid me about the term. He was a space salesman for the ad agency and he was twenty-four years old.
"Charles had curly, red-brown hair and gray eyes. When he was younger he used to be a child model which gives you some idea of how handsome he was. Charles was also single and this made him a prize catch for the girls in the office. One blonde all but threw herself at him, but I could see that she wasn't his type. Still, office gossip had it that they spent weekends together in a cabin he had in the country.
"I was surprised when Charles invited me to his cabin one day. 'If you like to fish this is just the place,' he told me.
"Was he inviting me to the cabin so I could go fishing or was he after my body? The cabin was a three hour drive from Chicago so I doubted that he would be willing to make a round-trip in one day. When he saw the way I hesitated, he laughed. 'Oh, there'll be another couple,' he said. 'I have two rooms so you can share one with the girl.'
"I didn't want to turn him down after that because this was the first really friendly overture I had gotten ever since I started work. I accepted his invitation with excitement mounting in my body.
"When I told my roommates I was going to spend a weekend with some girls from the office I could see they didn't believe me. 'So you've finally got yourself a white stud, Laura,' one of them said.
"I didn't try to argue with her; people always think the very worst no matter what you say. When Charles showed up at the apartment my roommates were thrilled to see that he was so handsome. He had brought with him the other couple, an inter-racial pair.
"I had been wondering how a strange white girl would react to sleeping in the same room with a black, but now I didn't have to worry because Agnes was even blacker than I was. The fellow she was with was a white named Paul who worked in one of the firms that took out ads via the agency I was employed in.
"Agnes said she was a nightclub singer but I didn't believe her. I pretended to accept her claim at face value and didn't press her for the names of the clubs she worked for.
"We all piled into Charles' car and took off for the country. I sat up in front with him while Agnes and Paul sat in the back. It wasn't long before I realized that their's was not a respectable relationship.
"They were kissing one another with open mouths and, through the rear-view mirror, I could see the white fellow slip his hand up along the black girl's legs until he reached her crotch. When he started fingering her slit, I knew that they were preparing themselves for a more intimate get-together at the cabin. Charles had lied to me; I wasn't going to share a room with another girl, but, rather, with him.
"I stared in front of me and tried to ignore the sounds of love-making in the rear seat. What was I to do now? I could always demand Charles to stop the car and let me out at the next corner, but somehow I couldn't get the words to form in my throat.
"Maybe I really wanted to go all the way with Charles. If he had been black I would've accepted his invitation right away. It wasn't sex that had made me hesitate so much as race. I've always had a fear of being exploited and used by white men.
"This was what prevented me from thinking of them in romantic terms. As I drove along with Charles, my personal Mr. Charlie, I thought it was time to change my ideas.
"I wasn't a virgin when I met Charles. When I was sixteen, I had my cherry busted on the roof of the tenement I lived in. The roof was a popular place in my neighborhood for sex because it was one of the few areas where a couple could have privacy.
"His name was Leroy, an eighteen year old who made his way through the world by selling pot. He tried to get me on junk, but I had seen too many addicts to start. In the ghetto there is nothing exciting about drug use because we who live there see too many people ruined by the stuff.
"My fear of drugs was about as strong as my fear of being exploited by whites. Leroy wasn't white and I let him pull my panties down on the roof of the house. It was a chilly night and I shivered both from the cold and my first fuck.
"The eighteen year old knew enough to bring a rubber with him and I watched as he slipped the grayish balloon-type thing over his upright tube of flesh.
"Once LeRoy had been forced to marry a girl because he made her pregnant and he had been careful ever since. The girl eventually had a miscarriage and this gave him a reason to desert her.
"LeRoy didn't waste much time and mounted my body as soon as he got the rubber on. He knew that I was a virgin, but this didn't stop him from loving in his rough and rugged way. I cried out when he rammed his big rod into my slit. There was a sharp pain as he plowed though my tender, untouched female opening, but like all black girls, I knew that pain was a part of love.
"Maybe white girls think the same way, but I don't know. White girls have never talked about love to me.
"The young dope pusher kept ramming me until he sighed with relief and lay still on top of my body. Even though he had a rubber on his penis, I could feel his semen fill it quickly. As soon as he had satisfied himself, LeRoy pulled his meaty bone out of my body.
"He sat back on his heels and slipped the rubber off. The smell of his male fluid drifted over to me as he poured the juice out of the rubber sack. 'There goes our baby,' he said as the fluid dropped on the roof.
"I wasn't too happy with my first sex experience because the boy seemed interested only in his feelings. If LeRoy had been white, I would've felt used and exploited. I thought of that affair on the tenement roof as I drove along with Charles and the inter-racial couple in the back seat. Surely the white fellow couldn't be any rougher or more selfish than my black lover had been.
"When we got to the cabin I was glad to get out of the car because Agnes and Paul were very close to having intercourse and I was afraid that they might actually do it as we drove along the highway.
"The inter-racial couple were even happier to get out of the car and they all but ran into the cabin. Charles touched my arm. 'Let's walk around for awhile. The love birds want to be left alone,' he said.
"For the first time I brought up the subject of sleeping arrangements since he gave me such an obvious opening. 'I don't think Agnes will want to share a room with me,' I told him, 'from what I've seen in the back seat.'
"Charles shrugged his shoulders and smiled shyly. 'Paul told me that he had only just met this girl so I expected them to be a little distant,' he explained. I wanted to believe him but I just couldn't.
"Charles had gotten me to the cabin on a ruse. He was after my body and I was sure that his friend, Paul, had told him that black girls were exceptionally passionate. After watching the way Agnes went to town on him I could see where he'd get this information.
"We walked over to the lake which was small and peaceful. I wondered how many girls he had taken to this place. I wondered if I were the first black one. In any event, Charles didn't push himself on to me as LeRoy had done and as other black boys had tried to do.
"He was very polite considering the fact that we were alone. I suppose I expected him to tear off my clothes on the spot and rape me. Having never been so close to a white boy before I didn't know exactly what to expect.
"I wanted to ask Charles if he ever had a love affair with a black girl, but I didn't for fear that he might think I was trying to suggest one between ourselves. We walked back to the cabin talking about fishing, the weather and the area in general, as if sex were not on our minds.
"Charles had timed it right because Paul and Agnes seemed sated at last. The white fellow was fixing drinks while my sister black was rearranging her clothes. It was very clear to me that they had had sex relations.
"After drinks we had something to eat. It wasn't imagine; just franks and beans which was enough to fill us up. Agnes and Paul left and I had the idea that both men had exchanged some sort of signal to indicate that it was now my turn to be laid.
"Once the couple were gone Charles put his hand on my knee. 'You're a very lovely girl, Laura,' he said.
"It was a beginning. Charles was now after my body in earnest. Again I compared his approach with LeRoy's. I felt that he was only handing me a line about being lovely, but, at least, it was nice to hear. That black boy never did waste much time with such flowery phrases.
"Charles slipped his other hand along my shoulders. His touch excited me. Despite our racial difference I was still a female who responded to male attentions. He brought his lips against mine. I didn't reject this advance and this encouraged him to push his hand all the way up to my crotch.
"He rubbed my vagina through my panties and sexual wanting grew stronger in me. 'Let's take off our clothes, honey,' he said softly and simply.
"He took off his shoes and socks, but I didn't make a move. He then removed his shirt and exposed his flat, muscular chest. Charles didn't seem to take notice of the fact that I was still fully clothed and wasn't making any attempt to become naked.
"The white man stripped off his pants and stood in front of me wearing only his jockey shorts. I could see by the way his crotch bulged that he had an erection. Then he took his shorts off. Charles stood in front of me with his penis bared and stiff.
"His skin was smooth and hairless except for the pubic patch. 'Come on, honey,' he urged with a touch of impatience. 'You're only young once.'
"I hesitated only for another second and then I took off my shoes. Charles watched and fondled his stiff dick as if he couldn't stand the delay any longer. I removed my dress and slip. I was now only a bra and panty set away from complete nudity.
'"Am I your first black girl?' I wanted to know.
'"Yes. Am I your first white?'
"I nodded. We had this lack of experience in common. I took off my bra and showed him my firm, dark, conical breasts with their lust-stiffened nipples. As soon as Charles saw them he rubbed his hands over these globes of flesh.
"Once again his touch aroused my needs. I pulled my panties off and now we were both naked. The white man stared at my pubic area hard and stepped closer to me. 'I've been dying to screw you for weeks,' he said.
"I wondered if he meant me as a person or as a black. Perhaps his friend had filled his head with all sorts of strange ideas about black girls and he picked me because I was the only one available at the office.
"Charles quickly opened up the sofa which had a fold away bed. The mattress was bare of sheets or blankets and he wasn't in the mood to put them on. He grabbed my body and we fell on top of the mattress. His lips pressed against mine once more and his hands roamed my body.
"Even at this most intimate moment he wasn't going to plow into me right away. I had to respect him for his concern for my feelings. He wasn't going to treat me as only an object of lust and no more. His affection for me was genuine.
"He buried his face into my neck and started to suck a hickey mark there. His big, throbbing sex stick kept rubbing back and forth over my thighs as he did but he still didn't try to penetrate me. I spread my legs as my desires mounted, indicating that I wanted his pale, virile member.
"Charles brought his mouth down to my tits and began to suck each nipple. They now stuck up like tiny dicks themselves and it had to be obvious to Charles that I hungered for his body as much as he hungered for mine.
"The white man sucked hickies all over my dark breasts and darker nipples. His sex organ engorged even more and, at last, he lay on top of me completely. With one hand he guided the knobby head of his dick into my cunt. By this time, I was so aroused that I pushed my torso up against his body so that the entire length of his sex organ filled my opening.
"Charles pumped with an easy yet powerful motion. I could see why he was so popular with women ... he was a perfect lover. The white man thrust and thrust with increasingly powerful strokes and I found myself gasping for breath. I wrapped my arms around him and then, in a spasm of passion, I wrapped my legs around his moving hips with my feet stuck straight in the air.
"Charles was touching areas of me that had never been touched before. For the first time in my life I felt like a mature and passionate woman. The stiff nipples on my breasts stabbed up against his flat, hard chest as he moved. I dug my fingers into his back and brought my knees toward his face in a frenzy of lust. Charles rammed with savage joy and then shot his load.
"'Laura! Oh, Laura!' he gasped when he poured into my flesh.
"Outside the cabin, it was beginning to get dark. The dying sun flooded the log walls with gold and scarlet. I heard someone talking and knew that Paul and Agnes were on their way back. Their timing was off. They were going to catch us in an erotic act but I didn't care.
"'Well...." Paul exclaimed when he walked in.
"'Let's blow,' Agnes told him.
'"Talk about love some other time,' he snickered in a dirty way. i want to watch.'
"I mean let's go and wait until these two kids are through,' she added.
'"Later, sweetheart, later,' Paul answered and started to take off his clothes.
"As passionately aroused as I was, I didn't want Paul to screw me. I was willing enough to make it with a guy I liked but not with someone who only wanted to use my body for sensation alone. 'Tell them to leave,' I whispered into Charles' car.
"I was happy to see Charles wave his friend off. 'Beat it, for crap's sake!' he told him angrily.
'"Well, we'll swap later,' Paul told him and left after he put his clothes back on.
"This indicated to me that Charles didn't think I was some sex object he could exploit. He really did care for me. I hugged him with my arms and legs and we lay in this position until the gold and red of the sun turned to a deep gray on the log walls.
"Although Paul wanted to swap girls Charles refused. I was a bit shocked when Paul complained, 'But you said we would.' This meant that Charles had planned all along to get me into an inter-racial sex orgy at the cabin.
"But his refusal also meant that, once he had my body, he wanted to keep it to himself without sharing it with another man. This may not be love, but it was close enough for a start.
"The next weekend we went to the cabin alone. I was deeply in love with Charles, a WASP of the first water, and I was sure that he felt the same way. He certainly was sexy enough, always licking my entire body and suck hickeys on my tits, ass and slit.
"I responded in kind. I sucked on his pale butts until I caused red welts to form. Then I rolled him over to take his rigid manhood into my mouth. I had never performed fellatio before, but I went down on Charles like a pro.
"As the white man lay on the mattress with his legs spread I mouthed his tube of flesh, taking as much of it as I could before I choked. I was so mad for my white lover that no sexual experience was foreign to me.
"When he shot his sperm I didn't spit it out. All my life I had been afraid of white men and now I was performing the most intimate sexual act of all upon one of them.
"The cabin in the woods near that small lake was an ideal place for love ... especially an inter-racial one. At the cabin we both forgot about color since there were no people to point us out or look at us with disgust.
"Once we left the cabin we would get the stares from both blacks and whites. Inter-racial hate, it seemed, was the fashion of the day and we were breaking the rules.
"I thought Charles was as deeply in love with me as I was with him and I was ready to accept his proposal of marriage if he ever made one. When I asked if he would like to meet my family, he went along willingly enough. I wanted to show him that I didn't mind having the fact that I had a white lover known even to my mother and father.
"My family did their best to make him feel at home but is a member of another race really at home amongst people of a different ethnic group? I could see that my parents didn't like the idea of me going out with a white man but they were willing enough to let me have my way.
"Times they are a changing, as the song goes, and my family knew that inter-racial marriages were becoming increasingly popular. I guess I was pretty old fashioned because I thought that a marriage was the natural goal of every romantic match.
"I was also old fashioned enough to believe that a couple should get to know one another's family. I had shown Charles my family and now I wanted to see his. When I started to press for this meeting, he exploded. 'Laura, be reasonable!' he shouted, I can't bring you to my home!'
'"Why not?' I asked with the innocence of the stupid.
"Charles gritted his teeth and spoke through them. 'Because, my pet, you're a nigger,' he answered in a cold, brutal manner.
"It was the first time he ever used that term and I stepped back from it as if it were a knife. Charles apologized right away but I knew it was already over between us. I didn't mind him not wanting to marry but it hurt me deeply to discover that he was ashamed of our relationship.
"Charles was the first, and, probably, last white man I ever had. He taught me that, no matter how intimate whites and blacks can get there is always that awful difference between them.
"Inter-racial couples go through life fooling one another trying to pretend that race has no relation with color. Blacks are really happier with other blacks just as whites are with other whites.
"Right now Charles is screwing a girl of his own race up at that cabin and I'm dating a black boy I've met through one of my roommates. He isn't as good looking as Charles or as adept a lover, but he has something that I need to be safe with ... a black skin."
Diagnostic reaction:
Laura is still in love with Charles even though she is trying to convince herself that her emotional ties to him have been severed because of his racial slur. When a black girl is romantically involved with a white man and then is snubbed socially, she has every right to feel that she has been exploited for sexual purposes. Being exploited is something Laura can't tolerate and thus she had to end her affair with a man she is still deeply in love with.
Wallace Mendleson, in his book, DISCRIMINATION, says black men can survive the emotional storms created by the end of inter-racial affairs better than black women because it is a male quality, regardless of color, to forget about unhappy romances quickly.
Women of all colors tend to brood over broken love affairs for years and, often, for a lifetime. When this broken love affair involves a man of another race, the woman feels rejected twice; first, for herself and, second, for her color.
Although Charles did not reject the girl for herself, he did for her face. But Laura, being excessively sensitive, concluded that Charles never loved her. She shows just how much more serious inter-racial affairs are over those between members of the same color.
Robert Penn Warren, in WHO SPEAKS FOR THE NEGRO?, feels that blacks resent whites who think they are doing them a service by flaunting inter-racial relationships.
There are just as many Negros who are disgusted by weddings between members of different ethnic groups as there are whites. It is a joke in the black community to say that every white who marries one of their kind is a "social climber."
Negroes know only too well that this is what whites think of blacks who marry males and females of their group.
Laura will eventually marry a black man to escape the storms of inter-racial passions. She may not love her husband as much as she had Charles, but she is seeking an escape from the torments of another inter-racial affair. In her last statement, she said that a black man had the color she feels safe with; she did not mention love.
like so many black girls hurt by an affair with a white man, she will probably brood about her relationship with Charles for years to come.