Chapter 4
The Masochist
"I was always afraid of my father, even if he was crippled. He only had to bellow at me and I would start to shake. Sometimes he would scare me so much, just by hollering at me, that I would pee in my pants, and then I would really set him off. He would take them off and make me sit in a corner with my wet panties draped over my face; the smell of pee and the damp feel of it on my skin got to be so bad that I'd have nightmares about it.
"My mother was never any good at standing up to him, either, because she was as scared of him as us kids were. Besides, she had to work at every kind of job she could get, to help keep us kids alive. She was a scrubwoman nights and a cook in a restaurant days, for as long as I could remember, and that left us pretty much alone with my dad. She was always dead tired when she was home, and all she could do was sleep a little, and try to talk to us kids, to tell us to be good and listen to our father and not get him upset.
"She was always that way, thinking about him or us, and never about herself. I guess she loved my father, but I never saw them show it, like some kids' parents I see. I mean, they never kissed or held hands or did silly things like slapping one another on the ass, or making grabs for each other-things like that. In fact, I hardly remember ever seeing either one of them smile.
"Mostly, my father was drunk. He just drank all day long, from the time he woke up until he finally fell asleep in his chair in front of the TV, or managed to make it to bed.
"We lived in a three-room flat, but instead of having a parlor, we had beds put up in the front room, and there were two double beds in the tiny bedroom. The kitchen was hardly big enough to move in, so we had our table and chairs in the living room, too. One good thing, when I was real small I didn't know we were poor, and when you don't know you're poor, it isn't so bad.
"I began to notice my father when I was about six. He always made us take a bath on Saturday, though I don't know what difference it made, because every day and night was just like the one before. But I began to like to take a bath, because when he would dry me off he would use his fingers on my pussy, and I liked it when he would play with my knob. I don't know why he didn't do it other times, but it was always when I had my bath.
"There were six of us kids, and the oldest was eleven when I was five, and the oldest four were boys. When I was six, my sister went to live with an aunt, and that made me the only girl in the house. My brothers were real 'street rats,' and they seldom spent any time in the house. Not that I blamed them, but they hung around the streets, stealing anything they could get, selling it, and using the money for food or candy or soft drinks.
"Of course, I didn't know then that they were nothing more than street thieves, and we just seemed like strangers to each other. If they paid any attention to me, it was only to cuff me or swear at me. In a way, my whole world was my father, because he was the only one I ever really got to know.
"I remember that once in a while, one of my older brothers would fool around with my pussy. Rick was the oldest, and once when I was going to the bathroom, he waited until I got off and was pulling up my panties. He stopped me and reached down and spread the lips of my pussy open and grinned at me. That's gonna be a lot of fun some day for some guy," he said. I didn't know what he meant at the time, although that was after my father had started to finger-fuck me every bath night.
"I had begun to like it, and I started playing with myself a lot. First I used my finger, but then I tried other things like a bottle neck, a long knife handle that was rough on the outside, and other things. But mostly, I used my finger. I used to watch my brothers get undressed, and sometimes they would have a hard on, and would jerk off when they got into bed. That would get me all excited and I would play with myself until I got a good, warm feeling all over my bottom, and then I would go to sleep with my finger in my pussy.
"I always felt I wasn't wanted or liked, even by my mother, and my father seldom just spoke to me. He always hollered or swore at me, and the more he would yell, the clumsier I would be, because I was so nervous, afraid that I was doing something wrong, no matter what I did. I was about six when he began to finger-fuck me a lot, and I was almost eight when he began to do something different.
"He would sit me on his lap and dry my hair, and he would begin to finger me for a while, until I got real fidgety and hot, and then he would take out his cock and it would be hard. He would just let it creep up between my legs, and then he'd begin to squirm up and down, so it would slide up between my legs. It would rub against the lips of my pussy a lot, and that would get me all excited, and I'd want him to stick his finger up inside it again. Sometimes, he would really buck up and down, and a couple of times he shot a whole big squirt of white stuff out of the hole in his cock and it got all over me and him. I was afraid to ask what it was, because he would always put me down off his lap after that and drag himself into the bathroom. I could see him washing off his prick. He never did put me back on his lap when that would happen, and a lot of times, after he would finger me a lot, he would just set me off his lap and go into the bathroom and shut the door. When he would come out, he never took me on his lap anymore.
"He was always pretty drunk when that would happen, and once he fell asleep while I was sitting on his lap with his prick between my legs. I took it in my hand and began to play with it. I rolled back the skin at the end of it, and saw the red, shiny, wet head sticking out, and for some reason it got me all excited and I felt like I wanted to put it in my mouth and taste it. I wondered what it would feel like to have him stick that thing inside my pussy instead of his finger, but I was too scared to ask him to.
"There was an old man that lived in the same building that we did, and he was always cornering me when no one was around and playing with my cunt. He would take my panties right down and finger me, and once in a while he would get down on his knees and stick his tongue into it. It felt good, and I liked it, but he was always so scared that somebody would see us that he never really did give me a good feeling with his tongue, or his finger. He scared me, too. He used to look at me, real scary, and tell me that if I ever told anyone that he did that, he would catch me and cut my tongue out.
"When I was almost nine, the boys at school started to fool around, too. They would 'goose' me, running their fingers up the crack of my ass, and sometimes they would grab at my pussy and pinch it. I didn't have any breasts, but they would sometimes pinch my little nipples anyhow, and that hurt.
"But I began to listen to the dirty talk that they always did when they would fool around. They would ask me if I'd fuck, or if I'd 'take it in my mouth,' and it used to make me get all excited. Later, I would think about it, and wonder what it would feel like to be fucked, or to have their cocks in my mouth, and then I would masturbate a lot, just imagining that one of them was fucking me.
"My father would get a job every once in a while, but it never lasted long. He would always get drunk and argue with his bosses, or else his leg would be so bad that he couldn't go to work for a week or so, and he'd lose the job. All during the year I was eight, he didn't work at all, and he seemed to be meaner and drunk more. He didn't used to hit me much, but the more he was around without any work, the meaner he got. He kept me home from school a lot, saying he needed me to help him, and he used to hit me often.
"I wanted to tell my mother about it, but she wouldn't have said anything to him, because he had begun to beat her a lot. Sometimes, he would really use his fists on her, and I was always scared to death he was going to kill her. But she didn't ever hit back. In fact, she used sometimes to crawl over to him on her knees, with her face swollen or bleeding-and she would kiss his hand. Then he'd take her in the bedroom, and I would hear them making a lot of noises. Once I peeked in and saw daddy laying on his back, his cock big and hard, and my mother had it in her mouth, sucking on it like it was a lollipop.
"The funny thing that was happening to me was that, whenever my dad would hit me or spank me hard on the ass, I would get all hot between my legs. I couldn't figure it out, but afterwards, even while I was crying, I would lie down on my bed and play with my pussy, and it felt good.
"Dad began to finger me more often-on nights when I didn't take a bath, and he would usually take his cock out and slide it up between my legs and push it in and out, rubbing my pussy lips until I almost came, but I never did. I began to play with it, even while he was awake, and he didn't say anything or hit me, so I kept on doing that a lot. But he would shoot that stuff all over himself and me, and that used to make him mad. He would get mad and slap me, then tell me to get a washcloth and clean him all up. I used to like playing around with his cock and balls, and I didn't mind doing it at all. It gave me a chance to fool with his prick, and that got me all worked up so I had to play with myself as soon as I could.
"One night, he had been shoving it up between my legs as usual and had shot a lot of white juice all over my legs and his pants. He pushed me off roughly and told me to clean him up. When I took his sticky cock in my hand and began to wash it with the warm washcloth, it began to get hard again. Without realizing what I was doing, I began to skin it back and forth, and he slid down so I could reach him better, and I jerked it like I had seen my older brother jerk his cock.
"Dad squirmed and wiggled and grabbed my hand in his and held it so I did it faster, and then all at once, he pushed me away. He acted angry, and I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong.
"He took his cock in his hand and waved it at me. 'Take it in your mouth, girl!' he said angrily. 'Suck me off!'
"I had been enjoying playing with his prick, but now the tone of his voice, and his eyes all glowing, scared me. But I wanted to put it in my mouth. I was just afraid I wouldn't do it right, and he'd hit me again. I wanted him to like me so much-so very much.
"I put my hand around it and tickled
"After about a minute, he grabbed my head with both hands and pushed my face down hard. At the same time, I tried to suck harder, and I felt my mouth flood with his juice. It was hot and sort of salty, but it didn't taste too bad, so I swallowed it as fast as I could.
"After another minute, he collapsed back in the chair and I just kept on sucking it until there was no more. He was moaning, and patting my cheek, and he had a soft look on his face that I had never seen there before. He pulled my mouth off his soft prick and pulled me up on his lap. This time, he took my pussy in his whole hand, and he rubbed it softly, letting one finger go deep inside it as he did, and, for the first time in my life that I remember, he kissed me!
"I guess I was so hungry for that, for his love, that I went wild. I wanted to crawl inside him. I shoved my tongue deep into his mouth, and he sucked it, and all the while he was building up all those fires inside my pussy with his hand and fingers, and soon I felt that feeling spread from my knob all over my whole bottom and up into my stomach. I felt like I was in heaven, with his arm around me, my tongue in his mouth, and his finger deep inside my cunt. I just wanted to make him feel the best he ever had, and I got off his lap and got down on my knees and I sucked his cock as hard and as sweet as I knew how.
"Things were a lot different after that with us. He used to treat me real nice when we were alone, and the only time he hollered at me or hit me was when my mother or one of my brothers were around. I guess he didn't want anyone to know that he wasn't the mean, nasty man that they all thought he was. But I still was afraid of him, because he often used to threaten me, like that old man had, that if I told anyone what we were doing, he'd do something terrible to me. He didn't say what, but I didn't want to find out the hard way.
"The next night after I sucked his prick the first time, after supper, when the boys had gone out, he didn't even want me to do the dishes. He got me in the bedroom, took off his pants, and then took mine off.
"He flopped me back on the bed, spread my legs, and was almost slobbering. 'I want to eat that nice young cunt of yours, Vikki. It's mine. It's fresh and good. Let me eat it-all of it!' He buried his mouth between my legs and I felt his tongue dig deep into my cunt. Then his teeth closed over my knob and he began to nibble, and at the same time his finger went up inside me, deep and hard, his nail digging into the soft inside parts of me. I went absolutely wild. I thought I would faint, it felt so wonderful. I began to jump and wiggle, and he grabbed my ass cheek with one hand, digging his nails into it. Little by little, he began to shove one finger up my asshole. It hurt a little at first, but I was getting too much charge from my pussy to really care, and after a few minutes, when it began to slide in and out easily, it felt good.
"He was going wild, chewing my pussy, digging into my asshole, and driving me out of my mind with pleasure. All I could think of was why he had waited so long to give me this. It was a thousand times better than his finger had ever been, and I didn't want it to ever stop.
"We were wrestling about in a heap of tangled arms and legs and mouths, and the first thing I knew I was on fire between my legs, and daddy was moaning and groaning. He switched my body around so that his cock was near my mouth, and I took it and began to suck it. He went after my pussy again, as hungry as before, and this time he really shoved his tongue and fingers deep into it. I could feel his tongue massaging my knob, and at the same time his fingers were going deep inside me. When he began an up-and-down motion along my pussy, his nose went into my cunt, then along the back part and touched my asshole. It really sent the chills up and down my back, and I almost forgot to keep sucking his cock. But he made sure I wouldn't, by getting on top of me, so he could shove his cock down into my mouth as far and as hard as he wanted to. He choked me a little, but I was too excited and hot to really care. I just kept on sucking and swallowing when. I felt him shoot his stuff into my mouth, and a second later I had my come-and it was so good that I almost fainted. I just collapsed with all the fire that was running up and down my body and rolled onto my side so I could still keep his cock in my mouth.
"It was like I was a different person-a grown-up woman, like my mother-and now I knew why she would crawl over to my dad and kiss his hand and let him take her to bed. I loved him the same way she did, and he did the same thing for me that he did for her. He loved me-he really loved me.
"I didn't know it at the moment, but he had cut into the flesh of my pussy with his teeth, and his fingernails had broken the skin of my ass cheek, around my asshole, he had gotten so excited while he was sucking my pussy.
"All I could feel was a big tingle, all over my lower body, and it wasn't until later, when I washed, that I found out that I was really hurt. Even then, I didn't care. It was too wonderful to be loved that way to let a few little hurts spoil it. And I knew, somehow, inside me, that there was a lot better things he could do to me. Maybe-he might even fuck me, soon!"
The narrator of this sordid series of events is Vikki R. We make no pretense that her case is typical in any sense, except that it does parallel all too many cases of incest and rape that take place among the poverty-stricken peoples of our larger cities.
Vikki's case is interesting from a psychological point of view because of her extreme masochism. To the trained psychiatrist it is readily understandable that she should have strong feelings of inferiority, but it is not to the average person who has known the love and security of a home.
First, Vikki had a perfect example to follow in her hard-working and downtrodden mother. Whether they realize it or not, most girls of tender years tend to emulate their mothers, and Vikki had only the example of defeat and despair to follow. That her mother was an exceptionally weak creature is beyond doubt. She was willing to be a slave for some sixteen hours each day in order to support a thankless family and a cruel husband, and was grateful for the crumbs of sexual attention he condescended to toss her when the mood struck him.
Vikki's position in the family, as the youngest and also as the only girl, added to her feelings of being unwanted and, more or less, useless in the scheme of things. Her father did not even notice her, until such time as she began to develop as a female. Even then, he used her as a sometime plaything, working her up sexually then leaving her to work her own salvation for the nerve-racking tensions that were building inside her little body by masturbating herself.
Hers was an atmosphere of fear and abuse. The old man who sexually abused her used fear as his whip, her brothers scorned her and hardly knew she was in the home; her mother had no time even to talk or counsel her, much less offer love or affection. At school, she was the object of obscenities from older boys. Nowhere along the way in her young life had Vikki known love or even common kindness and consideration. She was little more than an animal, and, of course, her intelligence quotient was of a very low grade.
Like a beaten, neglected animal, she was so grateful for even the slightest show of interest in her that she was apt to perform any act any male asked her to. She had no fear of sexual contacts, because she had not been made aware of what might happen to one of her age at the hands of an unscrupulous male of whatever age.
She responded with her whole being when she was finally given a touch that, to her, signified attention, if not love. She was truly starved for affection and she was not equipped to distinguish crude sexual passes from loving gestures. It is difficult to blame her in any way for what she became, for she was truly the product of a sadistic father and a weak, helpless mother.
Integrally tied in is the fact of the father's sadism. It is an accepted fact in psychiatric study that many persons who are handicapped or crippled often overcompensate by becoming extreme tyrants who are often sadists. It is as if they seek out those who are even weaker than they are, both physically and emotionally, and try to make them pay for all the mishaps that may have befallen the crippled person. Of course, this is not always true, yet, when a crippled or handicapped person is a sadist, he is usually the most vicious type.
In studies of sadomasochism, it becomes evident to the scholar that there is a great deal of masochism in the makeup of a sadist. The masochistic portion causes them to feel sorry for themselves, and they compensate for this by having a compulsion to make others pay for their misfortunes.
Vikki's father was almost a prototype of the complete sadomasochist. He felt inferior, yet he domineered over all he could. He was capable of working, but he had not the moral courage to persist. He turned to alcohol for escape, and the effects of alcohol undoubtedly influenced his actions toward his wife and his daughter.
It is significant that Vikki makes no mention of her father attempting to dominate his sons. This doubtless was because they were rough, tough street urchins, who had neither fear of nor respect for their father; he was a weakling, and the opposite of what they admired and wished to emulate.
An interesting aspect of the study of analism is that while it is not necessarily a painful act for the person upon whom it is performed, it is often used by sadists to inflict punishment of the most cruel type, for it can easily be made to be painful, if the sadist so chooses.
Vikki's father had a variety of reasons for engaging in anal intercourse, as we shall see from the girl's account, but the basic reason he chose this form of sex with her, at her tender age, was self-protection. He was fearful of harming her physically by having regular intercourse and he was fearful of impregnating her.
We point these factors out simply because in her naivete and illiteracy, Vikki was not aware of any of the underlying emotions which motivated either her or her father. Knowing a bit about such motivations may make her continuing story more understandable to the reader.
"The whole world was nicer after that. I knew that my daddy loved me and would let me love him, and that made everything different. I got so I couldn't wait to get home from school to be with him. I always did most of the cooking and whatever cleaning up there was to be done, and even that was easier, with him acting so nice to me now.
"We did that almost every night-he sucked my pussy and I sucked his cock, and usually we ended up by sucking each other's at the same time. I liked that best of all. We just seemed to swallow each other up, and I felt close and safe and happy when we were doing it.
"Then one night, his leg started bothering him. He was mean, and he swore a lot, and I couldn't seem to do anything right for him. I couldn't figure out what was wrong until I saw him in the bedroom, rubbing some liniment on his leg. It was all shriveled up and shorter than his other one, so it made him walk with a funny bounce. He didn't walk much when he was home.
"I went in his bedroom and asked him if I could rub his leg for him, and he told me to go ahead, but to be damned careful I didn't spill any of the liniment on his balls or cock, because it burned like hell. I knew it did, because it stung my hands when I rubbed him.
"I was nervous, because he was so grouchy and mean, and I spilled a little of the liniment on him. It landed on his cock, and he jumped a foot and slapped me hard across the face, knocking the bottle out of my hands and spilling it on the floor. I tried to grab it, but the more I tried to do something right, the more clumsy I got. He slapped me again and again, then grabbed me and shouted, 'Never mind the fucking liniment-take care of my cock!'
"I ran to the bathroom and came back with a warm washcloth and began to rub the spot where he'd been stung. He kept on cursing me, calling me a clumsy fool and a brainless cunt. But the more I rubbed it, the harder it got, and before I realized he was getting hard, it was sticking up in the air like a hard banana. I wanted to make up to him for hurting him there, so I just took it in my mouth and began to suck it. He was pretty drunk, and I knew it would take quite a while for him to come, so I did the best I knew how. I sucked hard, moving my mouth up and down on his cock, letting my teeth scrape it a little, and I played with his asshole with the fingers of one hand and massaged his balls with the other. I knew all the things he liked most by now, and I was anxious to show him I was sorry about spilling the liniment on him.
"He pushed me away suddenly and told me to get all my clothes off. I wondered what I had done wrong now, but I stripped and stood there beside the bed, looking at him, waiting for whatever he was going to do. 'Get on the bed, girl,' he commanded, patting the bed. I climbed onto it, sitting beside him, wondering what he would do to me. He reached over and spread my cunt lips wide, then stuck his finger in and stared at it. 'You ain't big enough for fucking, girl,' he said, "but there's other ways. You get up on your hands and knees."
"I scrambled around, got on my hands and knees, and waited. He began to play with my asshole, shoving his finger in and out of it, and I could feel a little sting from the liniment that had gotten on his fingers, but I didn't say anything. I was used to him fingering my asshole by now, and when he was sucking my cunt, I liked him to do that.
"He reached for a jar of cold cream that my mother kept on a stand, and he smeared my asshole with it, shoving some up inside with his finger. Then he rubbed big gobs of it all over his cock, got down on his knees behind me, and began to stroke his cock, rubbing the cold cream in.
"'I'm going to shove it up your asshole, baby,' he said in a sort of warning voice. 'It won't hurt but a minute, maybe not at all. And it'll give me what I need. Now, you just relax, and let me do the rest."
"I felt the head of his cock enter my asshole-it wasn't much bigger than one of his fingers-and the cold cream really made it slide in pretty easy. It didn't really hurt, and when he began to pump it in and out, holding my hips and pulling me in closer to him, I could feel his balls slapping against my pussy lips and I really began to get a good feeling from it. Without even thinking what I was doing, I slid one hand down and began to play with my knob, pinching it and rubbing it hard, keeping time with his motions as he jabbed his cock in and out of my asshole.
"He began to moan and say nice things again, like, 'You got the sweetest ass in the world, baby,' and 'This is as good as a fuck,' and I began to build toward that big come. He went faster and faster, breathing hard, mumbling some words that I couldn't understand, and then I felt his hot juice shooting deep inside me. He gave a couple of deep digs at the end that really shook me up. But I was coming, too, and I didn't feel any pain from his cock. In a way, I was relieved that I had been able to make up to him for spilling the liniment. I just kept on moving my hips and ass around, and I began to like the feel of his prick inside my ass.
"I don't know how to explain it, but it was good for me, knowing that it was good for him. And he just kept right on. I glanced over my shoulder, and I saw that he was on his knees in a straight-up position, so he could look down and watch his cock going into my asshole. I suppose he got an extra kick out of that, because I got a big charge when I saw the look on his face.
"I was getting tired of the position, and I shoved a pillow under my cunt and rested on it, so that my butt was still up in the air and he could get into my asshole easily. He didn't mind. He let more of his weight down on me and he sneaked one hand around and began to play with my knob, and it always was better when he did it, so I had a couple more good comes before he shot his second load. By that time, with his juice inside me, and the slippery cold cream, his cock was going in and out of me real easy, with no pain at all.
"When he finished the second one, he rolled over and lay on his back, looking down at his softening cock. It was a mess. It was covered with slimy white stuff, oily cold cream, and little specks of my shit. He said, 'Vikki, get a cloth and clean your daddy up good.' I was only too happy to do it. I felt so much better, knowing I had made him happy, and he wasn't mean to me anymore. I washed him off real good, then wiped it with a towel, and then I just had to bend down and take it in my mouth again, to show him that I was happy.
"I wondered why he thought that my cunt was too small, when I was sure that my asshole was much smaller, but I was scared to ask him. That night, when I went to bed, I proved it to myself. I stuck my biggest finger up inside my cunt, and it went in easily. Then I shoved the same finger up my asshole, and I could feel that it was a lot tighter. I even tried it with the handle of a hairbrush my mother had, and it was the same thing. I wondered why he didn't want to fuck me the regular way. Maybe there was something wrong with my cunt-something different or dirty. I didn't know. All I knew was that while he had been ass-fucking me, I had wanted more. While I played with my knob, I kept wondering how much better it would feel if he would shove his prick up inside my cunt.
"Like I said, I had been listening to the talk that the kids at school always carried on about fucking, and I had watched dogs and cats do it, and I saw the way they acted, so I was sure that it was better when a man used his prick inside a female. I began to sneak up more and more and watch him and my mother in bed, and I was surprised to find that he ass-fucked my mother, too. But sometimes he would let her suck his cock until it got hard and then he would get on top of her and she would spread her legs real wide and they would go at it, and I could tell by the way she moaned and whimpered that it was good for her that way. The more I watched them and thought about it, the more I wanted to try it. But I was still scared to ask him to do it to me that way.
"I knew I had to try it with somebody, and I went out of my way to corner the old man that always felt me up and licked my cunt. One day after school I met him in the back alley, and he didn't make any move to grab me. I guess he was afraid that I would tell somebody. He started to walk on by, but I asked him, 'Don't you like me anymore?'
"He stopped and looked at me real funny, then he grinned. 'Sure I do, honey,' he said, 'but I just don't see much of you these days."
"I told him that I liked him, and that if he wanted, I would come to his place, so he could do things to me.
"He looked suspicious, but then he relaxed and said cautiously, 'Well, you come if you want to, my door's open all the time, but don't you let anyone know where you're goin'-hear?'
"I nodded and went away happy. I surprised him real good by going to his place that night, after the dishes were done. It was Sunday, the only day that my mother didn't work, and I knew I wouldn't have anything with my father that night, so I decided I'd try the old man.
"I knocked on his door and he hollered, 'Come in,' and when I walked in, he was sitting in his chair, reading, and he only had a dirty bathrobe on. I could see his soft cock hanging down limply, and I smiled and said, 'I told you I'd come."
"He got up and came over and locked his door. He only had a one-room kitchenette place, so it was all like one big room with a gas plate in the corner, and an old refrigerator that made a lot of noise. He had some books and a radio, and a bed and a chair and a couch. But he was suspicious.
"'Anybody know where you are?' he asked.
"I shook my head and walked over to his bed. I felt real grown up, since I had done so many different things with my dad. I felt, in a way, that I knew more about sex than he did, and I wanted to try to have him fuck me.
"I patted the bed, and he came over and sat down, but he didn't touch me.
"'Somebody been educatin' you, girl,' he said, squinting at me. I just nodded and reached out a hand and laid it on his cock. I could feel it under the cloth of his pants, soft, but it moved a little, and then began to get hard when I rubbed it a little.
"'You want to play a little?' he asked, and I just nodded and squeezed his cock. He reached over and took my panties off, and when I raised my bottom to let them slide down, he bent and kissed my pussy. He needed a shave, and his whiskers really brushed the lips of my cunt, and it made me all the hotter.
"He got down on his knees in front of me, and I spread my legs, and he began to really lick and suck my pussy. It made me all hot and excited, but I didn't want that, I wanted him to fuck me. I just came right out and asked him. 'Will you fuck me?'
"He drew his mouth away from my pussy and stared at me. I saw his eyes go down to my cunt and then back to my face. He shook his head gruffly. 'You're too young. I'd hurt you too much."
"I said, 'I don't care. I want it. I want you to do it'
"He got up and stood there, his hands on his hips. He thought I was pulling something. I could see that he had a partial hard on, and I spread my legs wide and laid back on the bed. I really wanted to get him on top of me and see what it felt to have a cock inside my cunt, instead of a tongue or a finger.
"'Fuck me,' I said, trying to use my best coaxing tone, and moving my body around on the bed so that he had to see inside my hot pussy.
"He dropped his robe and I could see that his cock was getting real hard now. He moved toward the bed and let himself down between my legs, holding his weight up with both hands, but his cock was touching my pussy lips. He used one hand to spread them, and started to put the head of it in, then all at once he stopped and scrambled to his feet. He was angry, and he pulled a pair of pants on with jerky movements.
"'Get out of here, you little bitch!' he said angrily, pointing toward the door. 'I don't know what you're up to, but I don't trust you. Now-you git!'
"I was frightened at the look in his eyes, and I grabbed my panties and slid into them and left. I went home and went into the bathroom and played with myself, imagining what it would have been like if he had put his cock way up inside my pussy. At the same time, I wondered what was wrong with my pussy. Something had to be wrong. Nobody wanted to put his prick in it.
"While I was lying in bed that night, thinking about the whole thing, I remembered what some of the boys at school had been saying. They had asked me if I would fuck. Why not try them? And then and there I decided that I would sure surprise the next one that asked me that, because I would. I wanted to.
"I was almost twelve, but I didn't have a sign of a breast. I was as flat as any of the boys, but I did have a nice round ass, and my legs had begun to take some shape, and I at least looked like a girl, although I never used any makeup. My mother never used anything but powder, and I had tried that and thought it made me look like a freak, or a ghost.
"I used to look at myself in the mirror, and I knew I wasn't pretty at all. But I noticed that a lot of other girls weren't any prettier than I was, and they still had a lot of boys hanging around them. I thought I knew why: because they let the boys feel them, maybe even fuck them, and I wasn't going to be left out anymore.
"It didn't happen right away, like I hoped it would, but about two weeks later a boy named Jimmy, who had played a lot of grab-ass with me, came up to me outside school and pinched my ass. 'How about it, kiddo?' he said with a wicked grin. 'How about a fuck?'
"I smiled at him and said, 'When and where?' It really stunned him. He stopped and said, 'You putting me on, kid?' I shook my head. He looked thoughtful, then said, 'If you're not shit-tin' me, let's go to my house right now. There ain't nobody home until six."
"I felt like I was drunk-or, at least, the way I thought being drunk felt. I just grabbed his hand and squeezed it. 'C'mon,' I said, trying to smile at him in a sexy way.
"He was fourteen, and big. He had black hair and a nice smile, but he wasn't good-looking-at least, I didn't think so, but as we walked to his house he held my hand in an awkward, embarrassed way, and I could feel the sparks going back and forth between us. I knew he really meant it, and I also sensed that he didn't know any more about fucking than I did. So, we would learn together. Maybe that was the best way, I thought.
"And then we were at his house. He blushed and asked me to walk around the alley and come in the back way. He didn't want anyone to see his 'date.' I didn't mind. By that time, I had seen that he already had the start of a hard on, and I knew that we were going to go all the way and that I was going to be fucked at last!
"When I walked into the back door and into his kitchen, he was waiting, and he took me in his arms and began to kiss me-not tongue kisses, but he kissed me all over the face and ended up with his tongue in my ear. I began to get hot, and I grabbed for his cock and rubbed it. It was already stiff, and when I rubbed it he began to pant and moan, and he gasped, 'Let's go into my bedroom."
"He took me by the hand and led me into his bedroom. It was a mess, but it was all glamour to me. It was the first time I had ever been in a boy's room, and it made me feel even hotter.
"He began to kiss me again, and he laid me down on my back and ran his hand up under my dress. He played with the lips of my pussy through my panties for a minute, while he kept on kissing me, and then he slid his hand in the elastic and slid them down and off. He stopped kissing me and crawled down and began to play with my cunt, spreading the lips, feeling my knob, running his finger in and out. I thought he was going to put his tongue in, but he didn't.
"Instead, he got his prick out. It was already hard, but he played with it a little, while with his other hand he felt my knob. He spread my legs, got in a crouching position between my legs, and said, 'You ever done this before?' I just nodded. I guess he thought I was lying, but I didn't want him to get scared, like the old man and" my father had been.
"He lowered himself down, his cock in his hand, and I spread my legs wide for him. I was all wet and hot, and when I felt the head of his cock pushing inside my cunt lips and touching my knob, I almost went crazy. I had known it would be like that, and I just raised my ass up to help him get in, and when it slid all the way in, and he began to pump away in a clumsy way, I just wrapped my legs around his hips and tried to keep his cock in me as deep as it would go with every push he made.
"When he started to come, he suddenly unlocked my legs and pulled his prick out. He grabbed it with his hand and finished by jerking himself off! I watched him, and saw the white stuff shooting out of his cock and into his hand, and I was all mixed up. I hadn't come. I was trembling with wanting him to make me come, and here he was, jerking off, instead of finishing fucking me! I wanted to cry, and I wanted to laugh. I was just going crazy, and all I could think of was to beg him to suck my pussy. 'Jimmy, Jimmy,' I begged. 'Do something ... suck me, suck me ... do something."
"He looked at me as if I were insane, and he put his cock in his handkerchief and wiped it off, then tossed the handkerchief under the bed. I lay there, my legs wide, my cunt open, wet, juicy-and he looked at it and his lips curled in disgust.
"'You think I'm a cuntlapper? That I'd put my mouth on that dirty slit?' Jimmy sneered. Then he reached out and put his hand in my face and pushed me hard! 'Get your pants on and get the hell out of here, you dumb cunt!'
"I was numb and bewildered. He had wanted to fuck me, and I had wanted him to, and now he acted like he hated me. He hadn't fucked me-at least, I hadn't got anything out of it, and he had ended by quitting and then jerking off. I couldn't figure it out. He stood beside me, looking like he wanted to hit me.
"'C'mon, shitface, get out,' he said.
"I grabbed my panties and put them on and walked out. I was crying, and I was hurting between my legs from wanting him to finish me. And when I got home, I couldn't even masturbate, I was just so numb and dead inside. I didn't know what I had done. I only knew that he had treated me like a bitch dog.
"I wanted something so bad. I woke my father up and asked him if we could do something. He was pretty drunk, but we went into the bedroom and I sucked his cock until it got pretty hard, and then I got on my hands and knees and asked him to ass-fuck me. It was the closest I could get to a real fuck, and while he was screwing me in the ass, I played with my knob, and I came, but not real good. I cleaned my father's cock up and he went back to sleep in his chair, after a couple more drinks, and I just laid on my bed and cried. The whole world seemed to be turning away from me. Nobody wanted me or needed me, like I did them.
"But it passed, and we went on the same way as before, my dad and I. We had some good times, when we would both suck each other at the same time, and he enjoyed putting his cock in my ass, and I knew that one day I would be big enough, and then we would do it the right way.
"But it didn't work out that way. I never did get fucked by my father, not in the cunt. I met Gary. He was eighteen and I was thirteen, but when we started going together, it didn't make any difference. I had been menstruating for a year, and my father still hadn't tried to have me the regular way, but when I met, Gary, he treated me like I was a woman. He worked in a grocery store where we traded, and I had been seeing him for a long time, but he had never noticed me. Then one day I saw him staring at my breasts and my ass, as if he were seeing me for the first time. He came over and waited on me, then he asked me if I would go to a movie with him that night.
"I don't know what happened, but I guess I fell in love right on the spot. I was in a funny kind of a daze when I left, and it lasted until he picked me up on the corner near my house, and we went to a drive-in movie.
"I don't even remember what the movie was, because Gary put his arm around me and held me close, and he felt my breasts and kissed me, and then he asked me to get in the back seat with him. When I did, he just slid off my panties, spread my legs, got down on his knees, and began to lick my pussy. I had never felt as much on fire as I did the second his tongue went inside me, and I knew that I wanted to suck his cock, too. I guess I knew that that would be just the beginning, and I pushed him away, told him to get up on the seat, with his head by my cunt and his cock near my mouth, and I took it out and began to suck on it. It felt and tasted wonderful. I just wanted to let him feel all of my love come through my mouth to his cock, and I sucked it and played with it with my tongue, and he buried his face between my pussy lips, and we just forgot everything and just sucked the love from each other. When I came, he kept his teeth close to my clit, nibbling it gently, and I had a whole series of comes inside a minute, as I felt his beautiful juice flowing out of his cock into my mouth. I couldn't have stopped myself from swallowing it; it was like food to me. I was so hungry for him. I cleaned him all up with my tongue and lips, and then he sat up and kissed me on the mouth. He put his tongue inside it, playing with my tongue, sucking it as if he wanted to draw me right into his body.
"'Let's go somewhere where we are all alone, sweet Vikki,' Gary said, 'so I can make love to you the right way."
"We drove out into a deserted section of the city, where there were a lot of warehouses, and nobody around, and we got a blanket out of his trunk and spread it on the ground and he undressed me. He kissed me all over while he was taking off my clothes, my breasts, my stomach and legs, then the lips of my pussy. He took his clothes all off, and we stood there naked in the moonlight, just looking at each other. I knew I had found my love at last.
"I laid down, and he stretched out beside me, and he played with my pussy while he kissed my ears and my hair, and I played with his cock. I loved the feel of it, and without any words he got on top of me, spread my legs, and put it in.
But as the head of his cock was going into my cunt, he put his mouth on mine and said, 'I love you, Vikki. I really do love you."
"And as it slid in, deep, hard, hot-rubbing my clit with every in-and-out motion, I just let my body do what it had wanted to do for so long. I melted into Gary's body, and even though it was my first time, everything seemed to be just right. I seemed to know what to do, and Gary put his hands beneath my ass and lifted me so that he could get every last tiny precious bit of his cock deep inside me. It just was perfect. It was slow and quiet, but so good and satisfying. I never knew that my body could feel that light and warm and electric, and I must have come four or five times, while Gary was coming twice. We just went from one orgasm to the other, without any stop, and I was in heaven. To feel him inside me, to know that he loved me, and that I could make him happy even for a few moments, was like a dream coming true-a dream I'd never really dreamed.
"We stayed there a long time, and I asked him over and over if he really meant it when he said he loved me. He said it a thousand times, and he kissed my body all over-even my asshole. I was drunk with it, with his couch and his kisses and his love, and I never wanted to leave him.
"He lived alone in a furnished apartment, a little kitchenette type, and I begged him to let me go home with him. But he was sensible, even though he was half wild with love, and he told me that that would only get us both in trouble and could split us up. He said that, now that he had found me, he would never let anyone take me away from him. He said we'd find a way and would go away together as soon as he could get the money. I went home that night, in a cloud of happiness so big that I didn't even hear my father screaming at me, wanting to know where I'd been until almost midnight, and I hardly even felt it when he hit me with his fist and knocked me down. He couldn't hurt me anymore. Nobody could, ever. I had my love. I was loved. I loved. I was a whole person-a woman in love.
"My father picked me up and flopped me on my bed and left me there. My brothers were home and asleep, and I don't know if he would have ass-fucked me or not if they hadn't been there. But he went to bed, half drunk, and I didn't even take my clothes off. I just crawled under the blanket and went to sleep, and my night was filled with the dreams of Gary and his mouth, his hands, his cock, his naked, beautiful body.
"I couldn't stay away from him. I skipped school next day and went to the store. I couldn't get enough of the sight of him. It embarrassed him a little, but he was kind. He told me to go to his place and when he got off for lunch he'd come to be with me for at least awhile.
"We made love again, and it was sweet. I wanted just to kiss his whole body, forever, but we only had each other once, the regular way, and then he had to go.
"It went on for a couple of weeks like that, and I was missing a lot of school and staying out nights, and finally I told Gary I had to be with him, and I took my few clothes and moved into his place.
"He was worried that my parents would find me and put me in a juvenile home, and he almost cried when he tried to figure out what to do. He came home at noon the second day I had been with him, and he gave me a hundred dollars. He told me to take a bus to Los Angeles and that he would be with me in a week.
"I didn't want to leave, but I wanted to please him, and I came to Los Angeles and rented a room. Gary has called me almost every day, and even though it is taking longer than he figured, he is coming to me soon. He had to pay back the money he borrowed, and he's sent me some more, and in a couple more weeks we'll be together again. I can wait. I haven't told him yet that I'm going to have a baby. I'm saving that for a surprise, and I'm working as a babysitter full-time days for a woman with three small kids.
"I love kids. I can't wait until ours comes. Then my life will be complete-with Gary and a baby."
As Vikki progressed, she developed some severe pregnancy complications, and the woman with whom she lived became alarmed and had to call the juvenile authorities, for Vikki's own welfare.
She is in a charitable home for unwed mothers. She is still dreaming of the day when Gary will come, and she is eager for his baby to fill her arms and partially fill her life. Authorities have suggested that she place the child for adoption, but she will hear none of it. They feel that she is extremely inadequate to support herself, much less a small baby, but there is one possibility: the woman with whom she lived is perfectly willing to take her back-along with her child.
There is a legal problem, of course, but when Vikki told her story to the authorities, concerning her long sexual abuse by her father, they investigated and found it to be substantially true, and she was made a ward of the state. It is possible that this kind woman will be able to assume legal responsibility for Vikki, and if so, she will at least have a decent home and part of her dream.
What will happen when the bubble bursts is hard to predict. Love has changed Vikki. Just how much it has lifted her above her sordid background and experiences is hard to tell. She does get the physical and material care she has so long needed, and in a sense she has affection and consideration and a home for the first time in her life.
When Vikki was contacted, and her pathetic story heard, an attempt was made to contact Gary. He had gone. It can only be hoped that, someday, Vikki will again find love, and that this time it will be a lasting, good love that is not based on sexual desire alone.