Chapter 5
The Old Maid
"I can't see what this whole thing is all about. We see these kids marching around with flowers in their hair, and they carry posters saying Make Love-Not War, and the whole world doesn't know a thing about love. They don't know how to give it, or take it, or even how to just sit and watch it.
"When Larry and I are in bed, what is there but love? So, he's my nephew, the son of my younger sister. He's-well, different than most boys his age. And that means that he doesn't need love, or know love, or give love? Or I?
"So, the world calls ours an 'unnatural' relationship. It has to be dirty and perverted and even illegal? And love has nothing to do with it? Right? Well, the world had better sit up and take a goddamned good look at what love is. It isn't a piece of goods that you can buy at the supermarket. It isn't a set, cut-and-dried thing that has to happen between a couple of snot-nosed kids, with stars in their eyes. Love is the only thing in the world that really counts, and who says what shape or form or color it has to take. Who lays down the strict rules of how a man must love a woman, or a woman a man; Who makes the age limits? 'They-' that damned, faceless bunch of nobodies that everyone says rules the world. 'They' don't approve. 'They' say it's wrong. And who the hell are 'they,' anyhow?
"A rebel? You bet your sweet ass I am, and I don't back off from anyone. Why should I? I've got nothing to be ashamed of. I make my own living, and I pay my way, and I give all I have to give to Larry.
"When I lay my body down, and offer it to him, and he shoves his prick up my asshole, in my mouth or in my pussy-what in hell is it to anybody? I like Larry to ass-fuck me. Know why? Because it's what he needs and wants. I'd give my life if I could help him to change, but if he can't, then I'm going to go along with his way of fucking.
"You see, Larry is a homosexual. I think I knew some of the reasons, but I'm no psychiatrist or philosopher, I just use my heart and my head. And I think I know why I'm like I am, at least, partly. So, maybe I'd better go back to the beginning. I'll tell you about me first, then we'll talk about Larry and I.
"I'm the oldest. There were two of us girls, Larry's mother, Evelyn, and me. My name is Charlotte, but everyone has always called me Charlie-which might tell you something about me. I was always more of a tough, man-like person than a woman, because I had to be. My mother died when I was twelve and Evie was eight years old. My father never did marry again-he didn't have to, really, because I became housekeeper, cook, laundress, lover and wife to him, from the time she died.
"My father was a good man. He worked hard and did the best he could for his family. My mother was a cold sort of woman. At least, I never saw her show my dad any affection. I guess he was like I was, starved for it, so it was natural that we should give it to each other in every way after my mother died.
"The first time my father ever touched me sexually was about a week after my mother died. Evelyn was in bed, and I was finished with the dishes and had packed my dad's lunch for work next day and put it in the refrigerator. I was tired, and I walked in and kissed him good-night. I had been in my robe, with nothing on under it, and I didn't think anything of it. I'd always walked around half-dressed in front of him.
"But as I bent over, my robe fell open and my breasts showed clearly, and so did my pussy. I had pretty good breasts for twelve, and I had soft, reddish hair all around my cunt and under my arms. I didn't notice for a minute how my father was all tensed up, as he looked at my naked body. Then all at once, he reached out and touched my nipple, caressing it softly. It got hard, and I felt a strong need for him to do more. I wanted him to kiss my breasts, touch me all over, and hold me close. I just felt lonely, and I knew he was-terribly lonely.
"His hand moved down between my legs, and he ran his fingers through the soft hair around my pussy, then he began to rub the lips of it, real gently, lovingly.
"'You're almost a woman, Charlie,' he said softly. ' ... a lovely, sweet woman.' And almost without thinking, he reached around me, cupping my ass cheeks with his hands, pulling me close. He kissed and sucked my nipple, then the other one, and finally, he bent over and stuck his tongue into my cunt. It was a feeling I'd never known before-hard to describe. I guess I had masturbated some, but not too often, and when I did, I used to fantasize about some movie star-never about a boy in school or anyone I really knew-certainly not about my father.
"I'd always loved him and, I guess, admired him as a man. He was a big man, strong, good-looking in a manly way, and I used to be proud when girls from school would tell me what a handsome father I had. He had red hair, too, and I looked a lot like him.
"But when I felt his tongue slide into my cunt, and the tip of it began to play with my clit, and I looked down and saw his mouth between my legs, I didn't feel like a daughter-I felt like a woman, ready for love from a real man. I tried to squat a little, so he could get his tongue in deeper, but it was an awkward position. I pushed him away, walked over to the couch, dropped my robe on the floor and laid down on my back, looking over at him, my legs spread wide.
"He didn't say a word. He walked over, took off all his clothes and laid down beside me. He kissed my eyes and my neck and ears, then he began to kiss my body all over, using his hands to love parts he wasn't reaching with his lips. It was as natural and sweet as if we were married. The thought of his being my father, and this being incest, didn't enter my head. I was too wrapped up in what this man, whom I loved and admired, was bringing to my body and my heart with his loving.
"When he finally moved down and spread my legs, I was all ready to come. Once his mouth locked on my cunt, and his tongue began to go in and out, pressing hard against my clit, I think I came within thirty seconds. He could feel my clit bobbing up and down, and I pushed my ass high, to make his tongue go deeper, and he kept the pressure on my knob until I came twice more.
"Funny, but after all those comes, I was hotter than ever. I wanted his body-his prick, the feel of his arms around me, and I pulled his head away from my cunt and said, 'I want you ... inside me."
"He moved up and I could see how hard and erect his cock was. I was excited, yet calm, as if it were something I'd always known would happen. I reached down and took it in my hand, playing with it a little, and he got into position, resting his weight on his knees and elbows, and I spread my pussy lips with my fingers and put the head of it inside me. He began to slide it in and out, and it felt wonderful. I'd heard all the stories about how it hurts the first time a girl was fucked, but there was no hurt for me ... just excitement and fulfillment.
"When it was going in and out easily, he let his weight down, taking my head in his arms, kissing my ears and my lips, and as he began to build up toward orgasm, I turned my open mouth to his, and his tongue went inside, deep and hard. He was moaning and panting, and we just sensed from one another's movements that we were on the brink. We let our bodies go, finding their own natural rhythm, and when we came, it was like a dream.
"The whole world got pink and white and pretty, and I was floating on air. It was a moment of complete, utter happiness. We belonged to each other perfectly and completely, and when it died down a little, we just lay there, his cock in me, saying to each other, over and over, 'I love you."
"Afterwards, still naked, on the couch, we talked. Dad asked me if it was my first time, and I told him it was. 'I'm glad, Charlie,' he said softly. 'I wish it could always be me-that you were my own forever."
"I told him I was, and I wanted to be. For a long time, we just stayed that way, touching each other, kissing, exploring in our hearts this wonderful new thing that we had found. Dad said, after a while, 'You know that people say this is wrong, don't you?'
"I said I supposed so, but it wasn't wrong no matter what anyone said. It was good and sweet and right, and I told dad I wanted to always be his, that way. I got all teary-eyed and clung to him, saying that no matter what anyone said, I wanted to be his-to love always, whatever way he wanted to, and that I hoped he would love and want me that way.
"He picked me up in his arms and took me into his bed. It was like a sacred ritual, when he kissed me again, all over, including licking my asshole and shoving his tongue up inside it, and when he put his cock into my cunt again, he stopped a moment, kissed my mouth and said in a husky voice, 'This is your bed, your place, forever, Charlie."
"And it was. For about a month it was as if we were on a honeymoon. We kissed and touched and loved every part of each other's body. After a few nights, he asked me to take his cock in my mouth and suck it, and I was only too happy to bring him any kind of pleasure. Oh, how much in love with him I was! He was so gentle with me, offering to pull it out before he came in my mouth, but I told him I didn't want him to-I wanted to suck all the sweetness of him into my mouth, fill my whole body with it.
"Then I missed a period. I wasn't bothered until it got past two weeks overdue. I started menstruating when I was barely twelve, and I had never had really regular periods, but I finally told him I hadn't come around when I thought I was due. He got some ginger, a strong laxative, and something called ergot-apiol. Then I took hot baths, the medicine and the physics, and inside twenty-four hours, I began to flow.
"But he was scared, and he said we would have to be more careful. He got me a douche bag and some strong douche powder, and some safeties for himself. We began to cut down on sex, too, and I could tell that it wasn't as good for him, using a condom, as it was naked. It wasn't quite the same for me, either.
"One night, I began to kiss him and play with his cock, kissing it a little, and when I was ready, I asked him to have me. When he got up and looked, he was all out of condoms. I begged him to take a chance, anyway, because I wanted him to fuck me so badly, but he wouldn't.
"He began to kiss me, and then he suddenly broke away from my pussy and lay beside me, taking my face in his hands and looking into my eyes.
"'Charlie, honey,' he said, 'You do love me, and I love you. Would you trust me to do something that might hurt a little, or shock you?' I told him, 'You know I would, daddy.
He said:
"'I want to put it in your asshole, sweetheart, it's something I always wanted to do with your mother, but she would never let me. She said it was dirty, like dogs do it; but it isn't, honey, if you love me. Can I?'
"He didn't know it, and I couldn't explain it, but it thrilled me to know that I could give him something he had wanted so badly, something that my mother had denied him. For an answer, I reached for his hand and put it behind me, pushing his fingers close to my asshole. He shoved one finger in, and we just kissed, tonguing each other's mouth, me rubbing my cunt against his cock, and his finger sliding into my asshole, deeper and deeper.
"I rolled onto my face, and he went to the bathroom and got some vaseline and smeared it on my ass and all over his cock. His prick was hard and stiff, and he told me to get on my hands and knees. When I did, I noticed that I could see our reflections in the mirror, and it gave me a thrill to watch him position himself behind me, then move in and insert the head of his prick into my asshole.
"It slid in easily, and it didn't hurt much, just felt uncomfortable, as if I had to take a big shit. But when he began to shove it in deeper and faster, it didn't hurt at all. I watched in the mirror and loved the look on his face-almost as if he were in delicious pain. I told him it didn't hurt, that I wanted him to come, then he met my eyes in the mirror, and we looked at each other, making love with our faces and eyes, while he shot a load of semen up my asshole!
"It didn't make me come, but it was as good, because I knew how much it meant to him-how really total it made our love. There was no way that I couldn't satisfy my lover! There was nothing-nothing in the world-that we couldn't share with each other, just because we loved one another. And, though I didn't think of it at the time, it was a way I could make him happy sexually, and have no fears at all about getting knocked up!"
Our subject is Charlotte G-She is now 37, has never married, and she lives in a small southern California town, where she owns and manages a small apartment building which she purchased with the insurance money left by her father.
She has a nephew, Larry, who lives with her and who is, in a strange way, her lover.
Charlotte is honest about her relations with her father and with her nephew, and hers is an interesting case of incest because of the lack of inhibitions or guilt feelings.
Psychiatrists rarely come across a case of incest between father and daughter, based totally on normal, man-woman love. That this was true in her case is obvious. The affair, which lasted many years without any interruption, or without either Charlotte or her father knowing sexual relations with another person, stands as proof of the depth of the love they bore each other.
The death of the mother triggered the unlocking of a pair of lonely, needful hearts. Unfortunately, we cannot look at the relationship from the father's viewpoint, but it seems fairly reasonable to assume that he, like many fathers, had felt a strong physical attraction to his daughter as she blossomed into young womanhood. When his sexual partner was taken away, he looked, in his lonely need, at his daughter for the first time as a sex object, and a ripe, developed, sexually attractive female.
We have heard from Charlotte, of her admiration of and pride in his manly good looks. This, too, is not uncommon in girls her age. Many psychiatrists are positive that a girl is at her most sexually aggressive period from age twelve to fifteen; and from the unabashed, guiltless manner in which Charlotte approached and encouraged her father's sexual love, it is plain to see that in her case, at least, they were right.
Many other points in her account tend to be almost classic in their naturalness. Had her mother lived until Charlotte had developed into a normal young woman, having normal social contacts with boys her own age, it is questionable that she would have ever allowed her latent sexual desires for her father to have developed as they did.
When they were thrown into a close, intimate relationship which, save for the sexual factor, approximated that of a man and wife (she was the homemaker, cook, housekeeper), it was psychologically un-likely that that relationship would have grown into an unsexual one.
Later, in her account, we see that Charlotte actually did see herself as her father's natural lover and sex partner. Recall her thrill when her father asked her to engage in anal intercourse-a thrill that had its roots in the fact that she was, in effect, a better, more willing and satisfactory lover than her mother had been.
Her calm, adult approach to her near pregnancy, her acceptance of the use of condoms, the manner in which they mutually discussed and worked out their problems-all these point dramatically to the fact that she envisioned herself as a capable, grown woman who not only wanted her father sexually, but who felt that she was fully entitled to enjoy this position as his wife.
It would be interesting to conjecture what the ultimate result of this relationship might have been, had not fate taken a hand, but we must deal with the facts as Carlotte tells them.
"I suppose it was my fault-and dad's-that Evelyn became a wild little sexpot. We were so close to each other that I suppose we neglected her a great deal. I mean socially, spiritually, emotionally. I always took good care of her physical and material needs; saw that she dressed well, was cared for--just as if I were her mother.
"But daddy and I were too much in love to give her the solid things she needed, and as soon as she began to sense this, she withdrew into herself. When she came out of her shell, she went the opposite direction. She was like a lost puppy-she'd have responded to anyone who showed her any attention or kindness, I suppose.
"So, when she was fifteen-and I was nineteen-she got pregnant. We never did know who the father of her baby was. My father was kind about it, though. He told her it didn't matter, that she ought to stay at home and have the baby, and we'd face the community as a family and tell them to go to hell if they didn't like it.
"Instead, Evelyn just disappeared one day. She took a little over a hundred dollars from house money I used to keep carefully in envelopes marked rent, groceries, insurance, all that stuff.
"My dad went into a real blue period after that. He blamed himself too much for it. For a while, even he and I had some bad times, arguing, blaming ourselves and each other for what happened to Evie.
"But eventually, we came back to the same sweet ways we had known for so many years. And without Evelyn there, it was almost as if we were even closer. Maybe we were lonelier than we thought without her, but whatever the reason, it was as if we had gone through a tough time together, as man and wife, and had been welded more closely by it.
"Daddy had a heart attack one day at work, and they took him to the hospital. By the time I got there, he was dead. I was alone in the world. I was lost. Desolate. My life was over, too. I didn't know any other world but him. I was twenty-five years old. I had quit high school in my junior year. I never had a job. I didn't even know how to live with people, or what the world outside my door was all about, and I needed love, kindness, help of all kinds. But I was a stranger, even in the town I had been raised in. I had put all my love into my home and my father, and now I felt like a newborn, unwanted, unloved baby.
"But daddy had seen to it that I wouldn't ever have to worry about money. He had used most of my mother's insurance money to buy extra insurance for himself, and when he died, I had over a hundred thousand dollars.
"I knew I had to have a different set of surroundings, so I came here, invested most of the money in the apartment unit and tried to start a new life. It was as if I had never lived. I didn't even know how to meet people, which made me the loneliest person in the world.
"A couple of times, a man would show some interest in me. I suppose it isn't strange that I didn't want any young men. And, I guess I was too pushy with the men who did interest me. I mean, I just wanted to find out quickly if they could thrill me in bed, as my father had, and that cheapened me.
"The others, and there weren't many, were just old wolves, looking for a good thing. I mean, when they found out that I wasn't just the manager of the apartment unit, but that I owned it, some of them made it quite clear that that was what they wanted :-to get their hands on the place. They didn't care about me as a person or as a woman, only as a possible gold mine.
"So, I just pulled in my horns and lived alone-completely alone. I began to read a lot, watch TV, take home courses in everything from sewing to commercial art. Of course it didn't help-not in my heart or inner life. I was still lonely.
"Then Evelyn showed up with Larry. It's hard to tell you how I felt. She was a tramp-a real barfly type slut. She was hard as nails, broke, and needed a home for herself and Larry. Naturally, I let them live in one of the apartments, and as the days wore on, Larry and I began to see what the other one was, a lonely, mixed-up person, needing love, attention-identity. We needed to belong to someone-anyone, it seemed, and we began to spend more and more time together, while Evelyn just went further down the drain.
"She drank a lot and used to bring men home with her. When she did that, she would either send Larry over to stay at my place, or she would be so disgusting and abusive that he would come over by himself. He told me that he hated the men she hung around with, and since then I have read a lot of psychology, and so I knew that his disgust with the men he knew, through her, had a lot to do with his becoming a homosexual.
"He came to hate women, because he distrusted and detested her, and he feared instinctively that he might become involved with a cheap tramp like her. On the other hand, he hated the cheap, hard boiled tramps that his mother always had around, and he did not want to become what they were. He was a soft, sensitive boy, and he wanted to know some kindred souls-some decent, soft, sentimental and kind persons.
"He met them. He found two boys at school who were as lonely and introverted and disgusted with life and the world as he was. Or maybe, they were just bewildered by it, I don't know. People can get lost in the middle of a crowd of so-called friends.
"Then one night, Evelyn was gone. She left a note for me, saying that I owed her that much, to take care of Larry for her, because I had gotten all the insurance money, and all of dad's love, and she never had anything from him or me. It was a nasty letter. She wrote it while she was drunk. She didn't even bother to write a note to Larry, poor kid. She just walked out of his life.
"I guess I didn't care about Evelyn. She had messed up her life so shitty that there wasn't any chance she would ever be anything decent.
It was Larry I cared about-and, I think, even then, I loved. He was the only blood relation I had, the only link with a life that had been sweet and good, even though he hadn't been a part of it.
"He moved in with me, and he took it pretty well. I suppose he felt he hadn't really lost his mother, because he had never really had one.
"The first night he lived with me, he was quiet and sad-faced. Perhaps he felt that he was a charity case, so I told him simply and truthfully that he wasn't, because if his mother had stayed at home with us, half of all the money from the insurance would have been hers-and his. It didn't help, and he said he wanted to go to bed. It was early, and I worried. When I listened at his door, he was crying.
"I knew the feeling. He felt he wasn't wanted or needed, and I pulled a stunt to make him needed. I knew better than to try to reach him in his low mood, so I made him come to me. I went into my bedroom, got undressed, rigged the whole thing just right, then I began to call his name, as if I were in pain.
"He heard me at last, and came into my room. I was in bed. I told him I was having a bad spell with my heart, and I needed some pills from the bathroom. He went and brought them-they were only tranquilizers-and some water, and he was so concerned,-so gentle and kind, that it made him forget his own loneliness. I dreamed up little things for him to do, pretending that I had forgotten them, then, after about an hour, I told him I was still frightened, and asked him to stay in my bedroom for the night. I was naked, but I'd kept covered, and he looked as if I had slapped him.
"'Where will I sleep?' he asked.
"'Please sleep here with me, Larry,' I pleaded.
"He looked as if he wanted to bolt. 'Look,' he said in a little-boy voice, 'You might as well know-I'm scared of women-even of you. I don't like women. I can't help it.
"'I won't hurt you, Larry-ever.' I told him. 'Please, don't leave me alone. I'm as scared as you are."
"A hurt look came to his eyes, but he gritted his teeth and set his jaw and blurted out, 'Charlie, I-I like boys. I have for a long time. Maybe you don't know about homosexuals-but I'm one."
"My heart went out to him, and I reached out and took his hand, not realizing that almost all of my naked body was exposed. He looked at my breasts and my pussy, then without warning, he flung himself on his knees beside the bed and began to kiss my breasts!
"He was sobbing, 'I love you, Charlie-I want to love you-but I can't!'
"I drew him into bed with me, and while he lay there sobbing, I undressed him. He was sixteen, but he was almost a full-grown man, and when I looked at his cock, so big and manly, I shuddered inside, thinking of him giving all that virility to some queer. I wanted him to be a man, like his grandfather had been-and I wanted him for my own!
"I don't pretend to understand it all. Maybe it was the loneliness, the empathy I felt for him, or the blood-closeness, because he did have some of the same blood in him, through Evelyn, that I did. Or maybe it was desperation on my part, not wanting to give up the only thing in the world that mattered. He did matter. I had felt a great affection for him from the beginning. He was such an intelligent, sensitive boy, with big dark eyes that seemed like pools of loneliness.
"And now, I looked at his manhood, and I wanted him ... as a male ... as a man ... as a person who needed me, and whom I needed very much.
"He had turned away from me, but I turned his face back towards me, and I began to stroke his stomach, letting my hand brush his cock. It began to raise a little, and I took it in my hand and began to jerk him off. After a moment, it began to get hard, and before he knew what I was doing, I got over him, straddling him with my knees, and I inserted the head of it in my cunt!
"I was talking all the time. Larry looked panic-stricken, but he didn't try to get from underneath me nor stop me. He stared down at me as I spread my pussy lips with one hand and inserted his cock inside my cunt with the other. I said, several times, 'Just let me do it, honey-. I'll make it good ... I'll take care of you."
"His penis was small, even for a young boy, and it just wouldn't stay stiff. It was like trying to push toothpaste back into the tube, trying to get his prick to stay inside me. And to make it worse, he was half-sobbing, and not trying at all. His prick just wilted so soft that it fell right out of my cunt!
"I got off him, and I was hot as hell for some fucking, but I was really concerned more about Larry. He was like a baby, and he put his arm over his eyes so I couldn't see the tears he was crying. He rolled over on his face and just began to sob. I didn't know what to do for him. I just knew that my heart ached for him and my body wanted his.
"I began to kiss his neck and then down his spine. I was mumbling something, but I don't know what, and I was rubbing his legs and thighs with my hands. I worked my way down to his ass and I began to tickle the crack of his ass with my tongue and, finally, I spread his ass cheeks and began to lick his asshole! I stuck my tongue in as far as it could go, in and out, up and down, licking and sucking and shoving. Then I ran my hands over his balls and before I realized it, he had a good hard on!
"The tears were gone. He had half rolled onto his side and was looking down at me over his shoulder, his eyes wet, but shiny with emotion. I sensed that he wanted me to suck him off, so I began with his balls. I licked them and massaged them gently, and his prick became really hard, but it still seemed awfully small to me.
"Finally, I rolled him over and spread his legs so I could really go to work with my mouth. I licked his balls, then up and down the shaft of his cock, and finally, he was writhing and moaning 'Suck it, suck it, suck ... suck ...!' so loud that I felt sorry for him. I took the end of it in my mouth and began to run my tongue all around the end of it and he reached down and took my head in his hands and pulled it down harder on his cock. I began to let it slide in and out then, at the rate he showed me he wanted by pushing down on my head. I sucked it and let my tongue rove all over it as it slid in and out. I wasn't gagging, or even uncomfortable, because it was small, and I could take the whole length of it in my mouth without touching the back part of my throat.
"He began to move my head faster and I sucked harder, and in a moment or so, he almost screamed, 'Now! Now!' so I put more suction to work and moved my mouth faster and faster and I felt his juice begin to shoot into my mouth. I swallowed it and kept on sucking his prick, draining it of every drop. It began to go soft and I sucked it harder and harder, and it got fairly stiff again, but he pushed me away and sat up and took my face in his hands.
"'You didn't have to do that, Charlie,' he said, looking into my eyes. 'I'm a queer, but I don't have to drag you into it."
"It hit me hard, him saying that. I didn't know what to answer, so I just leaned over and kissed his cock, not sexy-like, but tender. I said, 'You can't help what you are anymore than I can. So, why not help each other?'
"He looked at me with a strange light in his eyes. 'How could I help you?' he asked.
"I was stopped cold for a second, but I replied, 'Maybe you could-kiss me-all over. Or, maybe, we could work it out so that you could one day really-really fuck me!'
"He recoiled a little, but then he did a strange thing-he reached out and felt my breast. I have nice breasts, for my age-they tilt up, they're about 36, and I have nice pink nipples with no brown around them, just pinkish tan color. Larry felt the nipple, then he bent over and put his lips around the nipple and began to use his tongue. Then he began to suck, and I got so hot that I could feel the juices starting to wet my cunt!
"I pulled his head closer, and he used his other hand to massage my other breast and my nipple, and I began to really get hot. I could see, though, that his cock was still soft, and I knew that he was doing it to please me, and not because it got him all hot and bothered.
"I said, 'If I sucked you hard, honey, could you try to put it in my cunt?'
"He didn't even stop sucking my breast. He just shook his head.
"'Is there any other way I can help you be-' I was afraid of hurting his feelings, but I went on,'-be a man-I mean-fuck me?'
"Larry stopped everything-with his hand and his mouth, and he looked me up and down. He stared at my pussy, which was wet and shiny and slippery, and I knew he could see my clit sticking out, and my breasts, and my legs and everything. He reached out and touched my pussy, running his fingers along the lips of it, and I had hoped that he would begin to get hard, but he didn't. But he was interested. His eyes were busy, and I could almost see the wheels turning in his head.
"Then I remembered my times with my dad. Mostly, I thought of the ass-fucking, and I suddenly recalled that queers-homosexuals-are supposed to be ass-fuckers, as well as cock-suckers, and I knew, instinctively, that if I could get him to put his cock in my asshole, I might just have the secret-the answer to his, and eventually, to my own problems.
"I turned over and laid down on my stomach. I know that I have a nice ass-curvy, not big, just nice. And my asshole, I knew, was ready and that little cock of Larry's wouldn't hurt me a bit. In fact, I was eager to have him shove it up inside my asshole, because I knew that once he did, we would have it made. I knew we could work it out from there on.
"I looked over my shoulder, and I saw his eyes grow big and round as he stared at my ass and my asshole. Then he reached out his hands and spread my ass cheeks and just seemed to be drawn to it like a magnet. He bent forward and his tongue was already out as he put his mouth down between my ass cheeks and his tongue began to lick the crack between.
"I didn't know a hell of a lot about homosexuals, but everything I'd ever heard or read indicated that they enjoyed using the asshole of another male as much as most men like to fuck a woman's cunt. I remembered that my father liked it that way, for variety at least, and now I knew that Larry was going to respond.
"I wasn't worried about my getting a sex kick out of it, because if I could have his cock in my asshole, I could masturbate while he was ass-fucking me. Besides, I felt that, with that as a start, we could work out his homosexual problem.
"He licked my asshole and, of course, a little of his tongue brushed my pussy lips, which really thrilled me. But unfortunately, all this wonderful play was hidden from my eyes.
"I got up on my hands and knees and looked over at our images in the mirror and it gave me a real kick to see him naked, on his knees behind me, his hand on my ass cheeks, spreading them, while he guided his cock into my asshole with the other hand.
"He hesitated a moment, then said in an embarrassed way, 'Do you ... need some vaseline?' I knew I wouldn't, because of his cock being so small, so I just shook my head. 'Go ahead, lover, put it in,' I said. He hemmed and hawed a minute, then said, 'You know I'm going to put it in your asshole, don't you?'
"I almost giggled. He was so naive and as nervous as a bridegroom. I told him I wanted it up my asshole, because that was what he wanted, and he settled down to the business then. He put the head of his prick right dead center in my brown spot and began to work it in and out with his hand. After I got a little lubricated, it began to go in and out easily, and finally, Larry took his hand off it and put both of them on my hips and began to pump it in and out at a steady pace.
"We were both watching ourselves in the mirror, but all of a sudden, I noticed that he had closed his eyes. It didn't dawn on me for a moment that he must have been fantasizing, imagining that I was a man!
"I reached beneath me and began to play with my clitoris and in a way, I guess I was fantasizing too, because I was remembering all the good fucking and sucking I'd had with my father all those years.
"When Larry shot his load of hot semen up my asshole, it really felt good. Maybe it was because of the feeling that at least I could give him some help sexually, some relief that was better than jerking off, and maybe it was more because I felt that we had broken through the wall of loneliness that seemed to be around him. At least we had something to share, even if it wasn't what I wanted in the way of sex.
"I let him know that he could go right on and come again, by moving my ass around, shoving it tightly up against his cock and balls, and he did. He just kept pushing it in and out, and, of course, it went in and out real easy now, with all his jism inside me to lubricate. Then he took it out of my asshole and flopped back on the bed, his prick all flabby and sticky with whitish come and some little hunks of shit mixed in.
"I went into the bathroom and got a nice warm washcloth and towel and went back out and washed his cock off really good. I kissed it a little as I dried it, and Larry smiled at me and then pulled me down and gave me a real good kiss on the mouth. I opened my mouth and he stuck his tongue in, playing it around, tangling with my tongue, really turning me on.
"When he stopped, he said, 'Thanks, Charlie. You're really something else. And I'll try-sometime, to-to do it right for you. Right now, I can't. But maybe I'll be able to soon-I hope so."
"I just loved him. He was so sweet and so serious about wanting to change from a homosexual to a heterosexual, and it thrilled me to think that I might be able to help him. Besides, he did suck my breasts and lick my asshole, and I felt like a woman again, having him do that much. I laid there beside him and played with his cock for a while, and it got hard again. I asked him if he wanted me to suck him off, and he said he always liked that best of anything. But he acted troubled, and he finally said, as I was getting down between his legs ready to suck his cock, 'Charlie, ... maybe ... well, maybe I ought not have you suck me off. Maybe if-. Oh, what I'm trying to say is, I don't like being a queer-and that's what I am, so don't worry about using that word. I feel queer when I suck some guy's prick or when some guy sucks mine. And especially when I let some guy fuck me up the ass-then I know I'm queer. I don't like it. I feel dirty, but-when I fucked you in the ass just now, it felt wonderful. And I want to do something to make you come and feel wonderful, too, but I just can't stick my cock into you. Yet, I can let you suck it and I can lick your ass. Why? Why?'
"I thought about it for a moment, and I suddenly felt I knew part of the reason why. It was his mother. He probably mistrusted and disliked-maybe even hated-all women, because of her actions, and her deserting him after giving him years in hell with all her slutty ways.
"'Could you love me, Larry? I asked. 'I mean, not just sexually, but really love me and trust me-as a woman? Could you?'
"He grabbed me impulsively and bent and kissed my nose and mouth in a series of eager kisses. 'Oh, Charlie, I do love you-I do-. I thought you knew that I do. You're so good-so kind and nice-. I do love you."
"I went on, still playing with his cock. "Then, don't you think you could do something that would make me very happy ... that would thrill me so much, just because you love me?'
"He held my hand, stopping me from playing with his prick, and he looked deep into my eyes. 'You're a beautiful woman, Charlie, and I do love you. I've already had your body-even if it wasn't the right way for you. Just ... just be patient with me. I think I can. I'm going to give it all I've got to try to break it off with these guys at school, but-it's so lonely, now that the others know-or at least suspect-that I'm a queer. It's lonely. I don't know if I can stay away from Joel and Ray-they're my two homo friends-because they're all I've got. Do you understand?'
"I sat up and pulled his naked body to me and it felt good to feel his head against my bare breasts. I said, 'Larry, of course I understand loneliness. It's all I've had since your granddad died. But don't you see, we don't have to be lonely anymore, neither of us. We have found each other. I can make up to you for all the lonely years you've had with your mother, and you can fill my whole life so it won't ever be lonely again. You say you love me. It can't be as an aunt, because we never really had that relationship, so it must be as a woman that you love me. I know that my love for you, now, right here in my arms, is a woman's love for a man. Age has nothing to do with it. When you sucked my breasts and licked my ass, it was a man doing it. When you had your cock in my mouth, and I made you come that way, that was a woman and a man. When you shoved your prick up my asshole and came, that wasn't a homosexual act-because I'm a woman, and lots of men and women have anal intercourse. It's a good thing for a man, to give him variety in his sex life."
"'Another thing that I know is that a woman's vagina stretches after she begins to have intercourse, and it gets pretty loose and large, and that makes the man have a hard time getting the right rubbing from the walls of it-the friction that it needs to make him come. But a person's asshole is tight. It stays that way a long time, and when you shove your cock into my asshole, you get total friction on all areas of your prick. That's not being a homosexual, to do it that way with a woman. And someday, soon, if you do love me and I love you, you'll want to put your cock into my cunt and fuck me the right way. I know you will."
"Larry began to play with my breast with his fingers, hardening the nipple, then sucking it, while with his other hand he began to play with the hair around my pussy. He didn't look down at it, but he kept running his fingers around in little circles in the hair around it, and then he began to stroke the lips of it with his fingers. I was already gasping with his pinching my nipple and sucking it, and when he slid his fingers inside and touched my clitoris, I almost had an orgasm right then and there. God, how I wanted him! But he was making me happy enough for the moment, and I knew somehow, that soon, we'd really be having each other in every way, just the way my dad and I had.
"He found my clit with two fingers and he began to twist and massage and pinch it, and I spread my legs and laid on my back. Larry went on sucking my breast and then he really began to rough up my clit. He clawed it with his nails, pinched it and rolled it all around, and inside of a minute, I was bobbing up and down in a wonderful orgasm!
"We had really broken the ice! I was in heaven, anticipating the day we would become full lovers! And even now, my days of the lonely orgasm-masturbation-were gone. His touch was wonderful, and as I subsided and lay quiet, with his fingers still in my cunt, he moved his head up and kissed me on the mouth, long, tender kisses-kisses of a lover!"
It is quite clear that in her native shrewdness, Charlotte had stumbled on the precise cause of Larry's homosexuality: his mother's neglect and her sexual wantonness. Both had made him fear and distrust women, and this in turn had driven himself into becoming a shy introvert. As with many boys of this type, he participated little in group activities, and he was especially backward in any sports. This, of course, earned him the cognomen of "Sissy," and "Mama's boy," which further drove him deeper into his own lonely self.
Of course, he was not a mama's boy-far from it, but that he was a sissified type is also obvious. His body did not develop as most boys in his age group, because of his eschewing the normal sports and games boys glory in, such as baseball, football, tennis, wrestling and boxing. It is indicative of Larry's total seclusion that he did not even learn to swim.
Another fact that embarrassed him (as it often does even mature men, until they learn that size of the penis has nothing to do with its effect on a woman) was that he did have a somewhat smaller penis than most boys his age. This is another factor in a growing youth's thinking in connection with sex, as he begins to approach the stage where he would date girls.
Larry, in short, was a perfect set-up for any homosexual who happened to approach him. Homosexuals themselves state almost unanimously, that they are among the loneliest persons in the world, and most of them were approached by older homosexuals who spotted this loneliness in them, and took advantage of their need for human companionship and sexual attention.
For her part, Charlotte had found someone to fill her own lonely needs. It is significant, psychologically, that the thought of incest did not enter her mind, simply because of the lasting incestuous relationship she had had with her father.
It was almost axiomatic that they would feel a natural closeness, for Charlotte had in effect, been the salvation of the lonely boy, taking him into her home and giving him all the love and attention and kindness that his mother never had. Each felt a desperately lonely need in the life of the other, and part of that need was sexual. It is part of every human need, from birth to death.
That anal intercourse would be part of their sex relations was predictable, because of Larry's homosexual activities. Oddly, to most lay persons at least, Larry did not associate anal intercourse with his aunt with sex with a female. To use blunt language to make the point, to him, her ass was just another ass. To him, in his immaturity, intercourse with a woman involved only the genital-genital form, and he was in effect, performing a homosexual act of intercourse, rather than engaging in anal intercourse with a woman.
We shall let Charlotte continue her interesting and unusual story from the point where she had first broken the sexual barrier between her and her nephew.
"We bought a lot of books on psychology, abnormal psychology and even a good marriage manual about sex, and Larry and I studied them together, discussing things with each other, finding out how the other one felt about certain things.
"I know it sounds like a foolish thing to be doing, but Larry is an exceptionally intelligent boy, and I am not a dumbbell by any means. We simply made an honest effort to try to find out what was wrong with Larry-and, I suppose, with me, too. Whatever any person does to better understand himself and his loved ones, I believe is good and right and sensible, and that is exactly what we were doing.
"Larry began spending almost all his time outside of school with me. We discovered that we both like to fish. I'd fished with my dad a few times when I was a kid, and Larry's math teacher at school asked him if he'd like to go fishing with him one Saturday. He did, and he liked it. He was like a little boy when he came home with three nice bass.
"I bought a little cabin-more like a fishing shack-up on a lake that was twenty miles away, and a boat with an outboard motor, so that Larry and I could get away and be with each other, enjoying the outdoors and keeping busy. Larry had almost completely broken with his homosexual friends, and he told me that he hadn't had any sex with them since the first night he had slept with me. We slept together all the time now, and when we would go to the cabin on weekends, it was like we were honeymooners. I even started" to teach Larry to swim, and we would cavort around in the water like kids, then dry each other off and, usually, have sex.
"It was a nice little place, with a big double bed and a set of bunk beds, a kitchenette kind of thing, and a loft with another double bed. It was there that we finally got over the last hurdle.
"It had been a wonderful day. We had come up on Friday night, had a nice early breakfast and then fished for about three hours. We came into the dock and then had some nice sandwiches and potato salad. We took a nap and then went in the water, and it was so warm and sunny and relaxing that when we took off our swim suits, we just laid on the grass in the front of the cabin, stark naked.
"We began to make love-kissing each other, playing with one another's genitals, kissing them, fingering one another's asshole. Finally, I just couldn't stand it any longer.
"I began to suck his cock, and he let me for a moment or so, then he pushed me away. He pushed me down on my back and spread my legs and got down between them with his head. Then he spread my cunt lips and nipped my clit with his teeth. He knew I loved that, and he shoved his fingers up inside my cunt, moving them around so they touched the inner walls, as he nibbled and sucked my clit. He really got me worked up and I was about to have a wild orgasm when he stopped. He sat up, then crawled on his hands and knees so he was straddling my body. He bent his head and kissed me on the mouth, his tongue working inside it, touching mine tenderly.
"He stopped the kiss and said to me, 'I love you very much, Charlotte'-he seldom called me that-'and now I'm going to love you like a man should."
"He lowered his body slightly, balancing on one arm, his stiff cock in the other. I spread my legs wide, and reached down and took his cock in my hand, helping him guide it into my eager pussy! When the head of it entered and I felt it touch my clit, I thought I would come right then, at the first touch of it. I let go of his cock and grabbed his hips and pulled him down into my cunt hard, loving the feel of his prick as it went in deep. I was already so wet that it went in to the full length. He was short, but he touched my sidewalls by my moving my ass around in a circular motion, and guiding his hips in the same sort of a motion, with my hands.
"It was heaven, and I had almost forgot how he must be feeling, until he began to play with my nipples, using both hands, having let his weight go down on my body. He clawed at my breasts, chewed my lips, sucked my tongue and all the time, that wonderful cock was going in and out, massaging my clit with every motion, touching the sides of my pussy flesh with electric shocks that went from my head to my toes. Oh, how I loved the feel of it inside me at last.
"Larry began to moan and say wonderful things, like, 'Oh, Charlotte, how wonderful it is fucking you. How sweet your cunt is around my cock. Why did we wait? Why didn't we know it would be like this? Oh, Charlotte, my beloved, fuck me-fuck me forever and ever."
"And I wanted to. I wished that we could just stay that way forever, but both of us were trembling on the brink of our first orgasm in a regular, man-woman fuck, and we just let our bodies take control. It was perfect. I know it doesn't really matter too much if a man and a woman come at the same time, but it was so wonderful to feel his juices spurting inside me, just as my clitoris was bobbing madly up and down in a perfect orgasm.
"It was so wonderful that all we could do was to claw at each other's naked flesh, trying to blend our bodies even more completely than they had been up until now. We were saying crazy things-maybe not even words--just groans of pleasure and animal sounds. But we were happy, and more than that, we knew in our hearts that, from here on, there was only happiness ahead for us.
"The rest of the weekend was almost like a continuing orgy. We sucked each other, we six-ty-nined, we ass-fucked and most of all, we just plain fucked. We even tried it from the back, I mean, with his cock in my cunt, but it was too small and the penetration wasn't good. He came, but I had only a small orgasm, and we did a wonderful thing-we talked about it, every time we did it a different way. We asked each other how it was-whether it was worth trying again, maybe with a different position, or if it was uncomfortable or didn't really provide all the thrills that it could.
"I was glad, then, that we had read all those books on psychology, because the one thing that both of us had agreed on was that the big barrier to good sex relations between any partners, was a lack of communication. That, incidentally, is why I'm more than happy to be telling you my story. You may think I'm a weirdo, because of the incest with my father, then my nephew, but as I said at the beginning, who makes the rules of love and passion? Who are the faceless masses whom you always hear people quoting? "They say,' or 'they think it's wrong-' all that stuff.
"My love for Larry and his for me is not wrong. He was a lonely, forlorn, abused and mistreated boy. I was a lonely, frightened-yes, frightened, except financially-woman, and we gave each other exactly what we needed. That one need was love, and anybody who thinks that beautiful, satisfying sex isn't important to love, has rocks in their head.
"How are we doing now? Wonderfully. I was lucky in that I have the money to make it possible for Larry to have the education he wants. He wants to become a psychologist-not to go into practice as a psychiatric expert, or anything like that. Know what he wants to do? Work with youths-especially homosexuals and kids who are hung up on drugs. A lot of people might think that he isn't much of a one to advice other people, but look at it this way: he's been there. He knows the lonely frustration of being born a bastard-then the years of living with my sister, who was nothing more than a cheap prostitute. He was driven into a lonely corner, and one day, another pair of lonely, frustrated, bewildered kids took him by the hand and led him out of the dark, lonely corner.
"So, maybe it wasn't right that he had his first sex with homosexuals. If I read my books right, there are a hell of a lot of so-called normal men who have had their first sex experience by jerking off another kid, having him suck his cock, or sucking another kid's prick. So-we worked it out.
"There isn't a better adjusted man in the world today than my nephew, Larry, and there isn't a happier woman in this world than I am. Love? Of course we love each other, in every way a man and woman can love. And we have talked about the day, that may come, when Larry will meet and fall in love with a young woman his age.
"I guess, in my heart, I want that for him. Of course, I want her to be right for him. I eventually told Larry all about my life with my father, and he told me all he could about the lonely days and nights when he learned to hate women because he hated his mother. I don't know if I hate her or not. I don't think so. Things work out the way God, or whoever controls things, wants them to. Anyway, by her actions, she eventually gave me the man I love and respect and admire.
"Since Larry is away at college, I've known loneliness, too, and I've dated a couple of men. But it is different, somehow. I enjoy them, and they know that the relationship is one of mutual companionship, not sexy. If I should ever find a man that lights up that fire inside me, of course I would go to bed with him.
"But then, Larry comes home for weekends or for a holiday, and it all starts over again. We wind up right back where I started this interview. Why do people think they have the right to think for other people-to make their choice of whom one should love, or how, or how long, or for what reasons?
"Larry and I are perfect for each other, and age hasn't a damned thing to do with it. I mean it. He is a perfect lover. We have a perfect, and honest, understanding of one another's needs, because we know what has happened before we found each other.
"In fact, Larry was honest enough to tell me that he went out with one girl a few times and that he thinks he could fall in love with her. He even asked me if I thought he should try it in bed with her, before he really got serious. She's a beautiful thing-I saw her picture-and she is an honor student in sociology, a field that is close to Larry's heart, too.
"I told him he'd be a fool not to take her to bed, not once, but many times. The only string attached to it was that I asked him not to tell me about it, or if it had happened.
"And if he does marry her, or any other girl, what happens to us? I don't know. I don't really worry about it, because what we've had is too beautiful to ever be anything but a beautiful memory. Of course, I hope it goes on forever, but I'm not fool enough to think that it can. I know that I am getting too old to be interesting to a young man much longer. And Larry is meeting his kind of people-his kind of girls.
"One thing I'll guarantee you-I'm not ashamed of our love, or of anything that I have ever done with Larry. And for that matter, not with my father, either. Know why? Because, at the bottom of it all, there was love--just plain love. And in the long run, what else is there in this whole big screwed-up world, except love?"
In this study of anal intercourse, as it relates to daughters and fathers, we have, in a general sense, covered the broad field of incest. Yet, we have seen that, in some instances, there has been no thoughts concerning incest, nor any guilt feelings concerning the so-called unnatural sexual relationship between father and daughter which we call incest.
We have seen that the reasons for anal sexual relationship are as varied as are the reasons for normal, heterosexual love acts. And, we have seen and heard, from the participant's own words, that love was at the base of much of this so-called perversion.
That the law calls it illegal does not make it a perversion or a "dirty" act in the minds of many persons. It is obvious that our sex laws are undergoing glose scrutiny, and that, if the voice of the majority of persons are heard and acted upon, our sex laws must undergo severe and radical changes.
It is significant that books like this can be written, and that daughters who have undergone such experiences as anal intercourse with their father are willing to talk freely about it. It is also important that we recognize that there is no set formula for sex, or love, or friendship, that can be legislated by man, nor indoctrinated and enforced by any religious group or church.
Man is man, woman is woman, When the urge to engage in sexual intercourse, in whatever form, pleases them both, they will do so. That anal intercourse has been a boon to many married couples is undeniable, to any thinking person.
We have attempted to bring a straightforward account of several instances of father-daughter anal intercourse, as told to us by the persons involved most deeply. We do not moralize, nor do we condone nor apologize. This is life as it is being lived today, for better or for worse, depending on the viewpoint of the reader.
We hope we have succeeded in throwing some new light on a little-discussed subject. To the persons who have been gracious enough to allow us to use their case histories, we are extremely grateful.
Most of all, we feel that it is time that such sexual aberrations should be discussed, examined, considered carefully, and then one day, as the Presidential Commission on Obscenity and Pornography has recommended, be revised into sensible laws that will allow each individual, regardless of relationship or circumstance, to choose his own manner and mode of sex, and his own partner.
On this fervent thought, we end what we hope has been an enlightening and thought-provoking study in human relationships.
AFTERWORD
We have seen clearly, through the accounts of persons who have been personally involved, that anal intercourse is motivated by many hidden wellsprings of desire or deep psychological needs.
That it is confined only to persons with latent or active homosexual desires is a now proven fallacy. In many normal heterosexual relationships, research has now shown that it is an often employed means of adding variety to the sex life of a couple.
In the cases we have studied in this work, all have involved another sex aberration which is against the law in all fifty states: incest, for incest between daughter and father or sister and brother, or any close relative, is not defined only as genital-genital intercourse, but can involve oral and anal intercourse as well.
The interesting study that is still involving many psychologists and psychiatrists is the continuing practice of anal intercourse among girls who have originally had an experience with a close relative. Even more fascinating is the thousands of cases of married couples who practice it regularly, and also, the strange fact that in many lesbian relationships which have come under the scrutiny of psychologists and medical experts, it was discovered that an artificial penis (dildo) is frequently used by one female to simulate anal intercourse.
That we have far to go in understanding what brings about the desire for strange forms of anal intercourse, as well as other wild sexual compulsions, is obvious.
We are grateful to those who allowed us to use their stories to further our understanding of sexual deviancy. We are even more grateful that, at long last, we have a new freedom to explore and to make public some of these sexual practices which have been long hidden under the "stag" story or performance, or the Puritanical taboos that have made old wives' tales of sexual realities.
It has been our purpose to try to throw some light on the various emotional reasons for the practice of anal intercourse in order to better understand our own selves; for only in truth can there eventually be understanding, and a reasonable approach to one of the most vital portions of our daily lives: sex.
If we have succeeded in this, then we shall have contributed to a continuing need to understand ourselves and our fellowmen.