Chapter 3
Antonio-Italy
"My mother died when I was only three years old. We lived on a farm just outside Naples, a big sprawling place where my father, my two older brothers, a younger sister and I learned the rigors of hard work and religion. My father was very strict in both aspects, and although I appreciate it, I also wish he had paid more attention to our schooling. When my father married for a second time, I was twelve years old.
"We needed a mother and he needed a wife. Rita was a Widow and childless, so father could give her what she needed-children and a husband. She was a pretty woman, but she was big! She had gigantic breasts and her ass jiggled as she walked. She never wore any underpants. She was a good, fun-loving woman with incredible energy, doing the work of five women and doing it well. I remember her as being the best cook in the world! At least, the world of my life.
"My brothers had told me about sex when I was still quite young, so I was pretty worldly. They were quite proud when hair grew on their genitals, and their cocks began to grow. I was envious, of course. But then, when I turned twelve, I began to change rapidly. My little cock thickened and lengthened, and a thatch of dark hair appeared around it. My balls got bigger and my voice lowered. It was happening a little earlier to me than to most of my friends, but I loved it because I was the center of attraction. I felt very masculine and grown up.
"One night, after Rita had said good-night, we were all in our beds on the top floor of our house. My brothers started talking about Rita and told me they had watched her bathing that afternoon and they proceeded to describe her body and the size of her nipples and cunt. They pulled their covers back and revealed their hard cocks, and began playing with themselves. They told me to do the same. I was already hard when I pulled the covers down to reveal myself. They were surprised at the size of my cock-it was already as big as Frederico's, my oldest brother.
They came to my bed and we all knelt on it, facing the center. We had a contest to see who would ejaculate first. I had never done this, but during the past few weeks I would wake up and find dried cream in my underwear. So I tried, but I couldn't seem to do it. I must have been nervous. My brothers both came and I was fascinated. I rubbed their balls for them as they pulled on their cocks, which helped excite them. Finally, after they had wiped the come off themselves and my bedcovers, I told them I could not yet do as they had done.
"I do not believe you," Frederico said.
"I have tried!" I told him honestly.
"You have not tried everything!" he said. I didn't know what he meant, but I soon found out. He told me to lay back on the bed and think of a beautiful woman. I couldn't think of anyone but Rita, especially Rita's beautiful ass. All of a sudden I felt something warm and wet encase my penis. I opened my eyes and looked down; I saw Frederico sucking on my cock! I couldn't believe it! We had often played with each other, but we had never done such a thing. I had never even seen such a thing being done, although Frederico often told me his girl friend took his cock into her mouth.
"My other brother told me to relax and to close my eyes. He knelt down at the side of the bed and ran his fingers over my well-developed chest and down to my balls and between my legs to my asshole. The feelings were like none I had ever felt before and I started to tremble. Frederico sucked hard on my penis and gave me pleasure I didn't know I could feel. In a few minutes I was sweating and I felt as if my cock were about to burst, to explode with warmth!
"I moaned and almost began to cry as my body was wracked with spasms and my cock released its load. Twelve years of my life went out of me at that moment and I knew now that I was a man. I filled Frederico's mouth till he choked and swallowed all of it. I finally lifted my head and looked down. He looked up, with my softening cock still in his mouth, and smiled. It was a moment I'll never forget. I loved my brothers for teaching me those things.
"A few weeks later, my brothers and sister went to Rome for a week to stay with my grandparents. I had a bad cold so I was not allowed to go. I didn't mind though, because I loved the farm and I liked being alone. When my chores were done, I would often walk up to the top of the big hill in the center of our land and look down at the river and the ancient aqueducts. Then I would take off all my clothing and run naked in the sun, or sit and eat grapes and cheese as my body grew dark tan. I would masturbate there in the sunshine, and then masturbate again at night in my bed. Sometimes I would do it five times a day. I could not get enough of it, could not climax enough to satisfy me. I wanted a woman.
"One day I returned to the house very dirty. My father had gone into Naples for the day and Rita had just cleaned the house, so she wouldn't let me in without bathing.
"Antonio, you take your clothes off and wash in the tub!" she called to me. I turned and went into the bath house, stripped and got into the big old tub filled with warm water.
"All of a sudden, without any warning, Rita came in. I tried to cover my cock with my hands, but I had an erection, and it was difficult to conceal.
"I need the soap for the kitchen floor," she said, and I believed her. But I thought I saw a glimmer in her eye as she looked down at me in the tub. She found her soap in the cabinet on the other side of the room and when she turned around she was staring at my back.
"I had been up to the top of the hill with a small bottle of vino, where I had been laying on my back in the soil. Rita noticed the dirt on my back and neck.
"Antonio, how did you get so filthy! I'm going to wash your back, give me that sponge!"
"No, I can do it myself," I protested in vain. She knelt next to the bathtub and soaped up the sponge.
"I have a right to wash your back. I'm your mama now! Since when did you get to be so modest?"
"She scrubbed my back and the feel of her hands on my naked flesh sent tingles up my spine. My cock erected to its fullest. I could no longer conceal it with my hands. I removed them and I blushed as Rita's hands stopped moving on my back and just rested there.
"She stared down into the water for a moment, saying nothing, and then continued rubbing my back.
"Antonio, you are quite a man already! You should have a girl friend like your brothers."
"I suppose, Mama," I replied. I began to feel more at ease and my cock softened a bit. It floated on top of the water between my legs. I was beginning to enjoy the feel of her hands cleansing my body.
"Have you been playing with yourself when you think of girls?" she asked, washing my arms.
"Oh, no," I lied. She scowled and started to laugh. Her whole body shook. "Why do you laugh?" I asked.
"I know what the priest says, but I also know what young boys do. Your brothers play with themselves. I have seen them in the barn one day! So I bet you do the same."
"Well ... sometimes," I admitted. There was no fooling her.
"Don't be ashamed, Antonio. The priest is wrong, it will not hurt you. Everyone does it. I did it till I met your father. It is a natural part of living."
"Suddenly I became very brave. "I masturbate often, sometimes twice a day. Even three times."
"Well, you are quite a boy for your age," she said, and dropped the sponge into the water. She had finished with my arms and back and she smiled down at me, took one last look at my cock, and left the room.
"Just talking about it got me excited again, so I jacked off.
"The next afternoon a very strange thing happened to me. I went to the hill after finishing my chores. It was an extremely hot day and I wanted to swim in the river. I took off my clothes on the top of the hill and ran down naked, until I came to the bottom. Then I ran into the water-it was very cold-and flipped over and over, refreshing myself. When I walked out of the water onto the river bank I was startled to see a woman sitting there watching me.
"I covered my nakedness with one hand and shielded my eyes from the sun to see who it was. I had never seen her before, but she was quite good looking and about twenty-five or thirty years old. She was sitting with her legs drawn up and her naked pussy was visible to me.
"I stared in wonder. Who was she? What was she doing there? She put her legs down and leaned back. Her white blouse shined in the sunlight and I could see the dark spots where her nipples touched the material underneath.
"Do not cover yourself! You are a very beautiful boy. I enjoy looking at you!" she called to me.
"I was shocked, but I listened to her. I moved my hands from my penis and stood naked in front of her. My body was still dripping wet as I walked toward her.
"I am visiting friends about a mile up the river. I went for a walk and saw you bathing here. I am Maria. Come here, don't be afraid."
"I walked to within a few feet of her. I brushed some of the water from my hair and said, "I am Antonio. We live just over the hill."
"You are very exciting for a woman to look at, Antonio. How old are you?"
"Almost thirteen."
"She couldn't believe it. "You are kidding me! I would swear you are at least sixteen! You have a cock bigger than my husband's!"
"I looked down at my penis. It was hanging full in front of me. I didn't know what to say or do. But I didn't have to wonder for long. She reached up and took my cock in her hand and held it tight.
"My cock became hard almost instantly. Holding on to it, she squeezed it until it began to hurt. Then she let go and caressed my balls with her fingers. I loved the feeling, and I moved my body closer, spreading my legs a bit so she could get between them. Then she found my asshole with her fingertip and rubbed it gently. My cock stood straight out in front of me.
"Then she lay on the ground and put her legs up. She pulled her dress to her waist and exposed her hairy cunt before me. It was a beautiful sight and I instinctively grabbed my cock as I knelt down between her legs, looking at it, feeling very excited.
"Antonio, when I lift my legs into the air, I want you to put your cockhead on my anus, understand?"
"I nodded. I would do anything she wanted.
"But first, come here and let me suck on you for a minute."
"I moved quickly and knelt down next to her face. She opened her sensual dark lips and fitted them around the head of my cock. I held her hair in my hands as she moved her head up and down on my shaft. The feeling was better than when Frederico had done it and the way she played with my heavy balls while she did it caused even more sensations of pleasure in my young body.
"Finally, just when I realized I was getting ready to shoot, she pulled her head away and told me to go to her bottom. I got up and moved between her legs again, kneeling there with my wet cock in one hand. She lifted her legs high and pulled her feet over her face. Her pussy and asshole were spread before me as I moved the head of my cock down and braced myself with one hand.
"I placed the head of my cock against the pink opening of her anus and she gasped. "Antonio, push till the head goes in just a little. Then make it come, make it shoot! I want to feel your hot young cream in my hole and all over my ass!"
"Her words excited me more than anything ever had. I pressed the tip of my cock into her ass and to my surprise the muscle gave way and it entered without any problem. Then I moved my hand up and down the shaft. It was so very strange, not seeing the head of my cock, but masturbating on it at the same time. Her shouts of ecstasy were echoed by the valley.
"In a minute I filled her with my semen. I pumped squirt after squirt into her and watched as it seeped out around the top of my cock and ran down her asshole. She brought one hand down and rubbed my come all over her pussy and her tummy. Her face was flushed and happy. And I could see a trickle of clear fluid coming out of her pussy.
"As the last spurt of come shot from my cock, I knew I couldn't stand it any longer. The stones in the ground were digging into my knees and my body was trembling. I had a great desire to fuck her, to shove my cock all the way up her ass. I had never fucked anything or anyone before and I was desperate to know what it felt like.
"So I did. I took my hand away and shoved my hips forward. Maria let out a scream which could-almost have caused the aqueduct to collapse! I let my body fall to hers and her feet wrapped around my back. My cock slid in because of the lubrication of my semen and another surge shot through my body. I was getting harder again and I felt even more excited.
"Fuck me! Hard! Fuck, my asshole, little big boy!" She shouted and clawed at my naked back. I pumped my ass hard, shoving my long cock in and out of her wet asshole. In a few moments I felt my pressure rising again and I let loose with a powerful orgasm that filled her once again. My cock went soft, and my mind was spinning. I finally pulled out of her and rolled over on the ground.
"We were silent for a few moments and then she sat up and straightened her dress. "Antonio, you must have lied to me about your age. No boy of thirteen can do what you just did. Thank you, beautiful Antonio."
"I asked her how long she would be in the area. She said till the day after tomorrow.
"Then I could see you tomorrow, yes?" I asked with anticipation.
"Yes, surely. Here, tomorrow afternoon." She stood up.
"Yes, Maria. I will be here." I stood up also. She bent over and kissed me on the forehead and started up the river. I watched her until she was out of sight. I resisted the temptation to masturbate then, for I was still very excited. But I knew I would have to save myself for the next day. I jumped in the river, then ran up the hill and got dressed and went home. All excited.
"It was difficult to return the next day because Rita wanted me to help her clean the barn, and I pretended to be feeling terrible, telling her I would do it the next day. She believed me and I took off early in the afternoon for the river. Maria met me there and we took off our clothes and played in the water until we were so excited we couldn't stand it any longer. We stood in the hot sun on the river bank and held each other tightly.
"I wanted to do the same thing we did the day before; I wanted to put my cock up her asshole. I had thought about it all night. I woke often, finding it hard to sleep, and played with myself, touching my cock and asshole, which sent shivers up my spine. It seemed very natural for me to fuck her ass again. I didn't even think about her pussy.
"Suck on my nipples," Maria said to me, pushing my head down to her breasts. They were hard and I pulled them into my lips and licked them with my tongue. She was very pleased and she returned the favor by sinking to her knees in front of me and taking my hard cock into her mouth. She sucked on it for a minute as I stood with my hands on my hips, with my legs spread in the sandy soil. The sun beat down and I was in heaven.
"She moved her head off my cock and started licking my balls. I shuddered as I watched her lovely face under my long thick cock, lapping my testicles. She sucked them into her mouth and swirled them with her tongue, and then she licked my thigh and brought her hands up to my ass cheeks.
"Turn around, Antonio," she ordered. I wondered what she was going to do. I turned around so my ass faced her. She kissed it and let her tongue slide down between the cheeks.
"Now bend over slowly," she said, and I did. "Oh, you are so hairy in between!" she exclaimed happily. Then, when I was facing the ground, she kissed me directly on the opening to my anus and I thought I would faint! The sensation was incredible! She licked and sucked and buried her head between the cheeks of my ass. She spread them with her hands and then moved her fingers down between my legs and began pulling on my cock. I nearly came, but held back for what was to follow.
"I want to fuck you," I said as I stood up. She smiled and lay back on the ground, naked, spreading her shapely legs. I knelt between them. But she did not pull her legs up as the day before.
"I know," I said, "why don't you turn over and I'll put it in from behind!"
"Antonio, I want to have you fuck me normally! In my cunt!"
"I thought about it for a moment and felt at once disappointed and afraid, I don't know why, I just did. I tried to put my cock in her pussy but I found that my erection had fallen down to such a point that I couldn't. She begged for it, but I just couldn't do it.
"All right, we will try the other. I want your beautiful hard cock in me anyplace I can get it!" And then she lifted her legs and I saw her asshole, hot and gleaming in the sunlight. I put my cock to the opening and it got hard as a rock immediately. I shoved with all my might and entered her. We fucked there on the ground till I came.
"After I pulled out, Maria took my half-hard penis in her lips again and sucked off all the come. I let her keep doing that until I knew I was ready to shoot again. I fell back to the ground as she knelt on all fours, sucking me as hard as she could. When I exploded in her mouth, I opened my eyes and looked up. There, on the top of the hill, was the figure of a woman watching us. And I could tell that figure was Rita. I didn't say anything to Maria, but I'm sure she felt my alarm. Rita was gone almost immediately, but I knew it was going to be hard facing her.
"I never saw Maria again after that day, but I will never forget her. I tell you about her because it is only a preview of what's to follow in my life. You see, I have never-with the exception of about three cases when I was very drunk-been able to keep an erection for vaginal intercourse. I can fuck an asshole or a mouth and come six times in a row, but I cannot do it with a pussy. It amazes me that I was already that way at twelve years old. And it has always worried me."
Possibly the easiest way to get an understanding of this situation is to deal with Antonio's homosexual acts first and then progress to the other aberrations.
Antonio's first experience of orgasm was with a member of the same sex. This is by no means a novelty, in fact this type of experience may be found in the childhood of many adults. Freud accounts for this paradox by explaining, in many of his writings, that there is a constitutional factor both psychologic and physiologic which indicates the natural bisexuality of the species. For instance, he wrote in Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality:
A certain degree of anatomical hermaphroditism really belongs to the normal. In no normally formed male or female are traces of the apparatus of the other sex lacking; these either continue functionless as rudimentary organs, or they are transformed for the purpose of assuming other functions.
However, Freud does not believe that this natural physical hermaphroditism explains homosexuality. Bather, he attributes the etiology to a fixation of the libido due to early affective sexual impressions, which cause a clinging to the erotic significance of the anal zone and a narcissistic object choice as the most essential characteristics of sex inversion. Thus we must recognize that somatic hermaphroditism and inversion are totally independent of each other.
This idea does not contradict the later findings of psychoanalysis that the human is virtually psychically bisexual in his early infantile relationships. It is the heterosexual identification with our parents which converts this original bisexuality. This identification implies a desexualization, which makes this bisexual energy available for transformation under advantageous circumstances into a general love for mankind as an example among other possible sublimations.
The psychical components of this infantile bisexuality are expressed by Freudain his book Leonardo da Vinci and a Memory of His Childhood:
There was once a time when the male genital was found compatible with the picture of the mother. When a male child first turns his curiosity to the riddle of sexual life, he is dominated by his interest in his own genital. He finds that part of his body too valuable and too important for him to be able to believe that it could be missing in other people whom he feels he resembles so much. As he cannot guess that there exists another type of genital structure of equal worth, he is forced to make the assumption that all human beings, women as well as men, possess a penis like his own ...
That the penis could be missing strikes him as uncanny and intolerable ... [But eventually] ... he conies to the conclusion ... that little girls too have a penis, but it was cut off and in its place was left a wound. Under the influence of this threat of castration, he now sees the notion he has gained of the female genitals in a new light; henceforth he will tremble for his masculinity.
We notice many points for comparison with the ease of Antonio. First of all, he exhibits quite an interest in his penis and values it quite highly, possibly even more so than is usually the case. We also know from a statement of his stepmother, Rita, that the priest speaks unequivocally against the practice of masturbation. This represents a feature of many cultures and it is usually perpetuated by parents or other moral authorities.
The individual develops a castration complex, then, from these three facts: (a) the female genitals, (b) threats centered around masturbation, and (c) the threat emanating from the incest taboo.
We see that Antonio cannot achieve coitus. His libido is fixated at the anal point of psychosexual development. From this fact we may assume that Antonio is unable to achieve vaginal intercourse because he fears the female organ, it implies the threat of castration.
If this castration complex is a normal manifestation of the human, as we assume, why does Antonio's case produce aberration, whereas the normal boy has an advantageous outcome? The answer to this question is of paramount importance in understanding Antonio.
His first sexual experiences are introverted. This is by no means unusual; the bisexual impulse at a later date succumbs to sublimation in normal individuals, as we have discussed.
Why did this not happen to Antonio? He gives us a clue when he tells us:
"I really got into ass-fucking the day after my experience with Maria. I avoided Rita that night and didn't talk much at supper. The following day my father went to Naples on business and Rita and I were again left alone. I was out in the yard when Rita called me from her bedroom window.
"Antonio, come up here!"
"She was completely naked when I entered the room. "Close the door and lock it," she ordered. I obeyed. I was becoming very excited. Her body was not nearly as fat as I had thought-it was big, but solid. And her ass was nice and mushy. I stood against the door, looking at her sprawled on the bed in front of me.
"I watched you yesterday. I want what you were giving that woman," she said softly.
"But you are my stepmother," I responded, already feeling my cock harden in my work pants.
"That should make it all the more exciting. I want you to stick that oversized cock of yours up your stepmother's ass. Your daddy refuses to do it!"
"I was breathing hard and heavy as I began to unbutton my trousers. They dropped to the floor and my hard penis sprang up.
"Give it to me, Antonio! Do what your brothers only dream of doing!" And at that moment she looked positively beautiful lying there. I wanted to fuck the living shit out of her. I wanted to be a man and show her what it was like to get fucked in the ass.
"She turned over on the bed. "Suck my hole, bambino," she said, spreading her legs on the bed. I moved to her slowly, rubbing my cock with my hand. I was terribly excited. I saw the hairs between her ass cheeks and spread them with my hands as I knelt between her legs. Then I bent down and licked just once over the entire area of the puckered anal opening.
"She squirmed and started panting. "Antonio, I haven't been fucked in my bottom for months! Your daddy has a nice cock and he knows how to ram my pussy, but he won't give it to me there.
"Oh, Antonio, yes that's it, suck it nice ... "
"I did my best. I licked and bit and pushed my face between the huge cheeks. I darted my tongue deep within the cleavage and tasted her rectal hairs. Shivers raced through my entire body as the tip of my tongue flicked back and forth through them. Then I stuck my tongue out as far as it would go and I pushed at the opening. It entered and slid into her. The inside was moist and hot and I pulled back and did it again. My head reeled at the realization that I was actually sucking my stepmother's asshole-and I was not even thirteen years old!
"Oh, Antonio, tongue-fuck my asshole! Oh, you beautiful, beautiful child! When I'm good and hot I'll let you stick your big cock up my ass. Then I want you to shoot off and blow it in my ass."
"Rita moved her hips upwards and I moved my fingers underneath her and placed one of them inside her pussy lips. It was wet and warm in there and I began to wriggle it around, which she liked. Then I found a hard little nub and when I rubbed it she squirmed and cried out in pleasure. I didn't really know what it was, but I knew I was doing something right. I ate her ass and moved my finger in her cunt until she could stand it no longer. She moved up on her knees and I followed, never taking my mouth from her rear end.
"Fuck my ass, Antonio! Fuck it with your finger first!"
"I hadn't thought of that. I had often worked my fingertip inside my own asshole when masturbating, but I hadn't thought of finger-fucking Rita. I pulled my face from her ass and wiped it with my hand. Her asshole was shining with my saliva and I placed my finger there and played around a little. She begged me for it and I shoved it in slowly all the way. She groaned a low, deep sound and I knew I had accomplished what she wanted.
"I slid my finger in and out of her asshole until she told me to put two in! I pushed two fingers up-I was utterly fascinated! I grabbed my cock with my other hand and began stroking it. It felt bigger than ever.
"Rita asked for three fingers. It was difficult getting them in, but I finally did. I fucked her like that till I thought I would die of excitement. I was really entranced by the sight of my fingers sliding in and out of this woman's asshole! It was hard to comprehend that it was actually taking place-in my father's bed yet!
"Antonio, I can't stand it! Your cock! I want your cock!"
"I pulled out my fingers and wiped them on the bed. Then I bent down and applied more saliva to her ass with my mouth and positioned my cock on the opening. Rita suddenly went silent, ready and waiting for it. The touch of her asshole on my cockhead was electrifying-for both of us!
"Then I pushed forward; she was still silent, holding back all sounds to feel my cock sliding in her. The head of my penis pushed at the opening. It was difficult. The muscles were tight, but I finally got it in and the tip of my swollen cock disappeared and was enclosed by the rubbery walls of her anal canal. She let out a deep groan.
"Antonio, I am in heaven ... I am in heaven!" she called out as I slowly pushed the rest of my cock into her asshole. I felt the walls expanding under my force, clinging tightly to every inch of my long cock. I held her ass cheeks with both hands and watched myself enter her.
"Finally I gave one last lunge and my pubic hair pressed against her ass cheeks. My balls swung and hit her big cunt. I was in-all the way in. My penis was buried up the asshole of my stepmother and now I was going to give her a fucking she would never forget.
"Oh, I'm bursting! I'm bursting!" she shouted, bouncing her head up and down. She reached down with one hand and grasped my balls and held them in her hand. I shivered at her touch and pulled my loins back, drawing my cock out of her asshole. She pulled my balls forward and my body went with them, shoving my cock all the way up her ass again. Then she released her hold and stuffed her hand up her pussy.
"I went to town. I pulled out and pushed in with long, easy strokes, giving her a chance to get used to it. I know she wanted and needed a rough fuck, but I wanted to get her all warmed up first. It was strange; I felt as if I had been doing this all my life. Actually it was only the second time. But at that moment I felt as if I were in full control and she was under my power. No longer was she my stepmother. She was a woman giving herself to me.
"Oh, yes, Antonio, slide that nice long cock way in there ... that's it ... "
"I'm gonna fuck you, Rita!" I yelled and then slammed my cock all the way up her. My balls banged against her hand, which was still stuck in her cunt. I did it again and again until she lowered her head to the pillows and began to moan. This is what she wanted.
"Mercilessly, I became carried away, inflamed with passion, hysterical. I wanted to come with such a load as to make her actually explode! I wanted her asshole to ache for weeks. Every time she took a shit, I wanted her to feel the pain that would recall the moment when I filled her ass with hot come. And I wanted her to want that pain again and again so w do it over and over. Wouldn't my brothers be surprised it they knew what was going on?
"She moaned and cried and loved every minute of it. Just before I shot, she trembled and squealed, and then, immediately after that, she took her hand from her pussy. I later realized women could come, too. She braced herself and begged me to shoot. And I did.
"I think I shouted also, although I can't remember. I know I had trouble keeping from falling over. I stuck my cock up her ass so hard it felt as if my pubic hair and half of my lower body went with it!
"My come shot out like gunfire! My body bounced on the bed, and my balls shook as they exploded the come up my shaft. My cockhead jumped inside her, and the come poured down the shaft and dribbled out over my balls and her cunt. As she felt the first few burning sensations, she let her body collapse on the bed and I fell with her. Because her ass was so full of come, my cock was forced halfway out of her asshole.
"But that made it all the more exciting because her cheeks were now encasing the lower part of my cock and they felt almost cold compared with the heat of her anal canal. I shot the last few jets of thick sperm into her asshole and then I pulled out and let my hard, throbbing cock rest between the cheeks of her ass.
"Rita was sobbing on the bed. I wondered if it was from joy or from guilt, and then I figured it was a bit of both. I know that I only felt excitement. Sex was something that everyone should share, I thought, as I had shared it with my brothers. I felt no restrictions regarding family, although Rita and I were not really related. I think Rita felt guilty because of my father. Also, I had done the very thing she wanted her husband to do, and that must have weighed heavy on her mind.
"I moved from the bed without a word. She was crying softly now and I knew it was best to leave her alone. I went to the bath house and washed my body. Then I went out for a walk to my favorite place on the hill. I fell asleep there and didn't come back until the sun was going down. I had supper with father and Rita, and he never guessed a thing.
"I told my brothers about my experience with Rita one night when we were masturbating together. They both were interested and it made for a good fantasy for them. They didn't believe me, however. I told them I could prove it. So the next time Rita and I had anal intercourse, I made sure they were hiding in the closet, watching every bit of it.
"We kept our relationship going for a month, until one day I mentioned to her that Frederico would like to ass-fuck her. She was horrified that I had told him, but she finally relented. She knew he had a good body and she wanted his big cock up her ass when she thought about it. He fucked her hard and expertly while I watched, and while Rita sucked on my cock. I came in her mouth at the same time my brother came in her asshole.
"Soon, all three of us boys were fucking Rita in the ass almost twice a week. My father knew nothing of it. If he had, I think he would have killed us all. He was a very proud man.
"Things couldn't go on forever and the day came when I wanted to go off on my own, to get away. I was sixteen. My father wished me well and I left home to wander around the countryside, seeking a new life and loves.
"I roamed the country for almost six years. I worked when I needed money, met people, made and lost friends, and enjoyed life. Finally, I felt the need to settle down. The wandering part of my life was over, and I knew I wanted to be a farmer like my father. He was getting old now, so I went back to visit him.
"I stayed with my father and Rita for almost a year. At the celebration of my sister's wedding, I met a girl-Margherita-whom I liked very much. Rita liked her also, and we invited her to dinner with the family. My brothers were both married already, so our family grew in numbers.
"Shortly after that, as I was dating Margherita, father suffered a heart attack and was unable to work any longer. Rita took good care of him, and I took good care of the farm. He told me if I wanted it, it was mine. I gladly accepted, and soon after that Margherita and I were married.
"Margherita claimed that analism excited her. She had only been fucked in the ass once in her life, but she had been desiring it again. The first time I did it to her I thought I had hurt her badly, for she almost passed out from pain, and we had to stop. But soon after that we tried it again and it worked beautifully. She loved the feel of my hard cock up her ass-and my cock had certainly grown since I was twelve. She took it with great pleasure and excitement. This was just before we were married. We never tried a vaginal fuck because, I think, in the back of our minds we could hear the priest telling us no intercourse before marriage and we avoided cunt-fucking until the wedding night.
"I was very drunk that night. So drunk I can't remember much of what happened. I guess we went up to our room when most of the guests had gone home. I took my clothes off and fell on the bed. My cock was hard and Margherita started nibbling on it. Then she climbed on my cock and shoved it up her cunt. I must have grabbed her and responded, because she said I did it with great emotion and feeling. We rolled over and over on the bed until I had pumped a huge load into her pussy.
"It was more than a month after we were married that she began to want a vaginal fuck. I was giving ... it to her in the ass almost every night, but I noticed her growing more and more dissatisfied. I would eat her pussy till she was ready to faint. I would lick her ass and fuck her with my tongue. I would let her suck me off any time she wanted. But I didn't want to fuck her in her cunt.
"We tried it and it didn't work. I could not stay hard. So we went back to anal intercourse. It seemed, however, that all of the excitement and enthusiasm evident in our sex life before we were married had disappeared. I grew very uncomfortable. Then she started telling me I was not a complete man, that I was sick in my mind. Nonetheless, I believed she loved me as I loved her. It was that I just couldn't satisfy her any longer.
"I became very distressed. Rita was too old, she could not take it any longer. Margherita was so very disappointed in me. Masturbation was not helping much, either. I would take walks to the hill, sometimes hoping I would meet Maria by the water, or someone like her. I needed to fuck women in the ass, but I had none to fuck. I was so desperate I thought of taking my brothers' wives and ass-fucking them.
"Margherita finally told me one day that she wanted to have a child. I did too, very badly. I was a young man with a successful farm. I would love to have children roaming the fields, as I had done with my brothers for so many years. The thought of making a baby did get me sufficiently hard one more time in order to fuck Margherita in the cunt. She sucked my cock till it was very stiff and then I shoved it in her. I thought of her ass, pretending that I was fucking her asshole, and then I shot off. But there was no baby.
"I couldn't do it again and we grew further and further apart. I was uneasy being near her, so Rita and my father wondered what was wrong. I think perhaps Rita knew, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone about it. Often I went into Naples to search for a girl, any girl, who would be willing to take my huge cock up her ass. It happened frequently that I ran into a girl who told me she would do it, only to turn me down at the last moment. They seemed to be afraid of the size of my cock-those prick-teasing bitches, telling me that I would tear their assholes to bits with my raging hard on.
"I began to drink heavily, becoming impossible to live with. Finally, I found one whore in town who loved to get my big, hard cock shoved up her ass; we saw each other every weekend. I would slip my cock up her ass and fuck the living daylight out of her. I would come in great spurts and, right away, we would start all over again. We did it just about everywhere. I fucked her standing up, sitting down, on our sides-every way short of standing on our heads. She did not charge much, and I enjoyed her ass.
"Then Margherita found out and called the parish priest, who in turn gave me the usual lecture about the sins of the flesh. I told him my wife had made a mistake, that I didn't do the things she accused me of. Anyway, the whole thing became ridiculous. I wanted to ass-fuck, and my wife refused me. I left the farm soon after, and have not yet decided whether I shall return.
"I have been living in Rome now for almost seven months. I work wherever I find it, but I am not happy. I have relatives here, but I do not want them to see me. With no education, it's difficult to get a good job. I see Frederico-he alone knows where I am-and he gives me money and tells me he loves me. I am still his little brother. And women want me, usually older women. Although I am strong, young and handsome, I can't give them what they want, being afraid to even try as much as I would like to. Frederico tells me Margherita waits for me still. I want to return to her, but only when I can satisfy her.
"I must tell you what brought me to you and made me spill out this long story. Last week I got a little drunk. I was walking down near the Via Barberini when I saw a very young girl who appeared to be in her teens, standing in a doorway. Standing with her ass to me. I could see she was wearing a very short skirt. As she looked over her shoulder, she smiled very seductively. I stopped, my cock began to harden in my pants as I watched her pull her skirt up just enough for me to see the crack of her ass.
"She walked in the door and left it open. I followed her up the stairs to a small room with only a bed and table on which a candle was burning. She lay on the bed with her face down. After closing the door, I lifted her skirt so I could see her ass.
"It was flawless, shapely, perfect. I bent down and kissed it, massaging it with my hands. Then I undid my pants and let them fall. She watched from the bed and put out her hand. I moved my cock to her palm; her fingers wrapped around it. I shuddered. It felt so good.
"She pointed to a little jar of lubricating cream on the table. I handed it to her and she scooped some of it up with her hand, gently applying it to my cock. She rubbed up and down until my cock was very greasy. Then, she turned and buried her face in the pillows. She spread her legs just slightly and I knew she was ready for my throbbing cock.
"I knelt on the bed and fell on top of her, kissing her hair and neck as I rubbed my cock down the crack and across her asshole. She spread her legs and, with one hand, she gently guided the head of my hard cock to the opening. I braced myself on the bed and looked down between us, watching her hold my shaft as I pushed it into her. She opened up for me immediately, and, with the aid of the cream, I slid into her fully, completely.
"I fucked quickly as I was very excited. I shoved my cock in and out of her ass again and again. She held to the headboard and moaned softly. There was something about her that excited me in a strange way. She felt different from any girl I had ever had before. I hadn't seen her face closely, nor had we even talked. She had her dress on-only her skirt was pulled up over her asshole. It was the strangest situation I had been in, and I found it very stimulating.
"Then I came and her body shot up against mine as rush after rush of hot come filled her rectum. I collapsed against her body and stayed there for at least ten minutes, as my cock softened in her asshole. It slipped out with a slurping sound, and I sat up on the bed and let it hang between my legs.
"I turned and rubbed my hands over her ass one more time. She was breathing normally now, but I couldn't take my hands off that beautiful ass! I moved my fingers down between her legs and felt something full and heavy. Then, my head reeled as I realized what had happened! As she turned over, a soft, big cock flopped in front of me. She was a he!
"I sat there in shock as he sat on the bed and smiled at me. Looking closely, I saw that the boy had very pretty, feminine features. His hair was long, as many boys wear it these days. He had makeup on and a dress. What could I say? Still in disbelief, I looked down at his cock. I jumped up and ran out of the building.
"I felt sick. After returning to my room, I fell into a deep sleep, and experienced a nightmare-I fucked my brother in the ass!
"What is happening to me? Was it that I had liked that fuck? It had been a good one, I feel, but I wanted to run from it.
"The next night I went back. The boy was standing in the doorway dressed as a girl. We went to his room, where he took off his dress and wiped the makeup from his face. Again, I fucked him. When it was over, I felt terrible.
"I will go back again, I know, although I really don't want to. I want to return to my Margherita. But I feel afraid of all women now-even afraid of myself."
A nightmare, such as Antonio had, always reveals conflict-a desire, always sexual, and the intense struggle against this tendency. We see that in Antonio's nightmare, as well as in real life, his desires only knew gratification. Normally, the inhibitive force would lead to sublimation. This can fail to occur because either the sexual instincts are too strong for the inhibitors, or the inhibitions, which are formed upon the identifications with the parents, are undeveloped.
Antonio's bisexual desires, reinforced by his brothers' sexual advances, led to the repetition compulsion. Antonio turns this passively experienced event into a pleasurable activity. He is possessed of his activity and unable to drop it, even when he desires to, in order to save his marriage and have children. Thus, we see that he does not lack a heterosexual identification. His hopes lie in this direction, but he is unable to fulfill them.
This identification contains elements belonging to the father's prohibition against incest. But this does not interfere with Antonio's desire for his stepmother. We may assume that this sexual experience with Rita reawakened and intensified the oedipal situation. In the desire for his stepmother, he risked his father's punishment, i.e. the threat of castration. Under normal conditions, the castration complex leads the young man to surmount the oedipal situation, leading to exogamous relations.
But this doesn't happen with Antonio. He regressed to the anal-sadistic level, and, as if in defiance of his father, he fulfilled his incestuous desires. In a symbolical sense, he deposed his father, as did Oedipus, and became King.
The castration complex did not have a normal outcome in this case, but that does not mean that it lost its terrifying aspect. It was just defended against, but instead of repression and sublimation, it had another fate.
We do not know the manifestation of Antonio's ego defenses, only the ramifications of his libido. The anus became the center of libidinal activity for him. As it is possessed by both men and women, Antonio was able to defend against the perception of what the female genital implies in the oedipal situation, namely castration.
It appears that all of Antonio's sexual motivations were in defense against the castration complex, i.e. his homosexual tendencies. Thus, all of his love choices were narcissistic. He chose an object similar to himself because he needed reassurance against castration.
We have seen that Antonio's bisexual energy was never desexualized and his incestuous longing never sublimated. He was unable to come to terms with the female sexual organ. In fact, all his libido was dominated by defense measures to mitigate the threat of castration. His brothers were also regressive in character, and it seems that, by their advances upon Antonio, they predisposed him to aberration. However, this is only an appearance. If Antonio's brother was able to sublimate his homosexual libido, why was Antonio unable to? The answer lies in the fact that Frederico did not have relations with Rita while he was caught in the onslaught of puberty, which awakens the sexual feelings which have been repressed during the latency period. Frederico's intercourse with his stepmother did not have the full symbolical meaning of incest.
It appears that, based on our knowledge gained from our libidinal investigations, Antonio has a tendency to blame others for his deeds. Every experience he has was through the provocation of another. He would have us believe that he was innocent on all these occasions.
First of all, it was his brothers who assaulted him as did Maria and Rita. He is the hero who makes the valiant attempts at hetero-sexuality for his wife, even though he fails. Even with his new homosexual object, he is fooled and remains innocent because he thought he was a she. But the dream reveals to us his true core and feelings, he is a homosexual, because this is needed as a defense against the intense threat of castration provoked by incest. In other words", he has the tendency to project his own guilt onto others. This becomes a major cause in the perpetuation of his aberration, another defense against castration and the realization of his true self.