Chapter 1
Thirteen-Year-Old Judy and Her English Teacher Ted
"My mom thought it was so groovy when I started seeing Mr. J-, my English teacher, after school. She's so dumb. Like she looked at the covers of the books he was giving me to read. And she wasn't even surprised when I started to call him Ted. She thinks it's nice that I have a grown man I can be close to after having been without a father all these years since the divorce. No, she'll never guess....
"I knew from the very beginning that Ted was interested in more than my brilliant young mind. Sure, he gets a kick out of showing me things in books and watching me turn on to fan-tastically complicated things. But that's not all. I've known all along that he liked to look at my legs in my miniskirts and that he watched the expressions on my face with more than an intellectual interest. As I said to myself after that first session after school when we didn't do anything but stay in the classroom and read poetry-this man has the hots for me.
"Not that he did anything really weird. I just sensed it. Feminine intuition, you know. So I wasn't at all surprised when he suggested we meet at his apartment instead of at school.
"We were careful, of course. He gave me directions and I walked there, while he drove. That way no one around the school would suspect anything.
"The walk wasn't long but it gave me a chance to think about the possibilities ahead. There was the chance, of course, that he'd chicken out and not try anything. There was also the chance that he'd put it off until he figured I was good and ready for it. But what I was hoping for was that he'd take advantage of the opportunity.
"I'm thirteen and I guess I've been ready to have a man make love to me for two years, maybe longer. Everything I've read about sex-and I've read quite a lot-made it sound so great. Plus I'd heard other girls my age talking about it. Some of them have made it with guys sixteen or seventeen. Quite a few of them have the birth control pills even. Their mothers are more hip than mine. But frankly, high-school guys don't really appeal to me. They're all so sloppy and funny looking with long greasy hair and clothes to make them look poor when they're not.
"Ted is different. He's in his middle thirties and wears the grooviest clothes, you know, paisley shirts and scarves and turtlenecks. And he wears his hair a little longer than most teachers, but it's professionally styled and always clean. He looks the way I think a man should look. Of course that's not the only reason I'm in love with him....
"When I got to Ted's place that afternoon, he'd fixed a Coke for me and some other kind of drink for himself. I figured it was alcoholic.
"'Do you usually have a drink when you come home?' I asked him.
"'Oh, once in a while. This is sort of a special occasion.' He smiled at me warmly.
"'You must be lonely, living here by yourself,' I said. I hoped I wouldn't bring back unhappy memories by saying that. I knew he'd been married once and that something had gone wrong.
"'Yes, I am often lonely. Let's sit on the couch together.'
"I sat down close to him. I noticed that there were books on the coffee table, but he didn't volunteer to show them to me. We just sat together, close enough that my thigh was touching his. It felt nice, just being there like that. I looked up at him and smiled.
"'I'm very fond of you, Judy,' he said. Then he put his arm around me and drew me even closer. 'But I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt you. You know that,' he went on.
"'I know,' I muttered, then I got up a little courage. 'Why don't we just act as though we were adults? Forget that I'm only in ninth grade. I don't feel like a ninth-grader, especially when I'm with you.'
"'You're making it very hard for me to act the way a schoolteacher should,' he said.
"'Forget about that,' I told him. 'If you forget that I'm a student, I'll forget that you're a teacher.'
"He didn't reply to that. Instead, he simply took me in his arms. He held me for a minute or so, then bent down and brought his lips over mine. It was glorious. I'd been kissed once before, by just a boy, but that was nothing like this. His mouth moved all around, rubbing against mine. Finally I realized that he was trying to open my lips. I was already beginning to feel dizzy.
"When my mouth was open, he started to do funny little things with his tongue, extending it between my teeth and reaching for my own tongue. I really didn't know what to do. It was totally unlike anything that had ever happened to me before. I let him have my tongue at last. I couldn't believe kissing could be so sexy. I mean, it all reminded me of what people are supposed to do with their genital organs, and the sensations even seemed to be like what I'd expected the real thing would feel like.
"I was panting when we finally separated, and I'm sure he was aware of what incredible things he was doing to me.
"'There's something here that can't be denied,' he said in a low voice.
"He took me in his arms again, and besides kissing me, he began to let his hands wander over me. First he only touched the safer places, my shoulders, my arms, my back, my waist. It was all so gentle, so tender. I was already trembling a little when his hands finally crossed my breasts. He didn't grab at them or anything like that. He just sort of grazed them as though to ask me if I really wanted more.
"I let him know by returning his kiss furiously. I pressed my lips firmly against his and began to grind our two mouths together. I prodded my tongue deeply into his mouth too. He was caressing my breasts now with the softest, most sensual kind of touch I'd ever imagined. I couldn't help imagining how that touch would feel against my bare flesh.
"'Are you sure?' he asked me when our kiss ended. 'Are you sure you want to go through with this? It's all right if you're just teasing me. We can always just forget about it and tx friends the way we were before.'
"I took his face between my hands and looked into his eyes very seriously. I didn't say anything. I just brought my face slowly up to his and planted my lips on his once more. By now he knew I didn't want to turn back.
"Now I could feel the gentle motion of his hand gliding against my bare thigh, traveling upward. I was thrilled with the anticipation of what was to come. He was getting closer and closer to that special place where I wanted most for him to touch me. Nobody has ever touched me there. This was something I'd been waiting for, imagining, hoping for.
"At last his hand was under my skirt and tugging at my tight nylon panties. Our kiss-another of those long, passionate kisses-continued. He rubbed me on the outside of my panties until I thought I'd go wild. At last he grabbed the elastic at the top and slid them off, guiding them the whole way down my long legs. When his hand returned to me, my legs were spread, ready for him to do whatever he pleased.
"He first ran his hand over the fine little hairs.
"'So silky. So soft,' he muttered.
"Then he parted the lips so he could reach the tender flesh inside. I was all wet, of course. That would let him know all right that I hadn't been faking it, that I was really capable of responding like a woman.
"His hand was now touching my pussy. I could hardly believe that it was happening for real. It was like some beautiful, romantic dream. He was so gentle, so loving, if you know what I mean. I kept thinking to myself how great it was to have someone appreciating my body this way, but at the same time, I was losing hold of my rational mind somehow. All I knew was pure desire. I wanted more strange and exciting sensations and I also wanted my desire to be satisfied.
"For a long time he just explored my pussy, letting his fingers go here and there as though he really didn't know what to expect. Probably he'd never seduced anybody so young before and probably a younger girl's pussy is kind of different, underdeveloped, I suppose. At last he stuck one of his fingers into the opening and extended it way inside me. That felt fantastic. I could hardly wait for his penis to be there, only I knew that would be entirely different.' I wondered if he'd have trouble getting it in.
"'You're not a virgin, technically, at least,' he informed me in a whisper.
"'Really?' I said. 'I wasn't sure. I've never done anything, though. I guess I'd better warn you. I'm very inexperienced. But I want to learn.'
"'Do you really?'
"'Yes,' I said. 'Yes, I will, yes....'
"`How lovely you are,' he said, 'in every way.'
"The next thing I knew he was helping me out of my dress, which was all I had on. I don't wear bras. Hardly anybody does these days, you know. But I do have breasts, not too big but nicely rounded and with oversize nipples. I didn't think he'd be disappointed at what he saw when I was finally nude.
"He drew me to him and began to cover me with little kisses on my breasts and tummy and everywhere.
"'I could eat you up,' he said.
"I giggled. To be honest, at that point I didn't know the meaning of the word 'eat,' the sexual meaning, that is. But I soon found out.
"He put me down on the couch and spread my legs apart.
"'I want so badly to eat you,' he said.
"The next thing he did was put his head between my legs. I'd heard of sixty-nine, of course, and I'd read about cunnilingus somewhere, too, but I was really surprised that he wanted to do this with me, here and now.
"The touch of his tongue was even more fantastic than his fingers had been. There was a wetness and slipperiness that made me tremble all over from the sensations that it gave me. Little electric shocks shot through my whole body. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was actually close to orgasm. I guess he sensed it, though, because before very long he stopped. "He got up and started to peel off his clothes. I lay there watching him, and to pass the time I let my hands wander all over my body, caressing myself. He didn't take his eyes off me. I guess it was a very sexy thing, my touching myself like that, but I wasn't doing it to be sexy. It just sort of came naturally.
"The sight of his naked body when he finally got all his clothes off didn't startle or surprise me particularly. He wasn't the athletic type, to be sure, but then I despise athletes. He was really rather skinny and not at all tanned, just what one would expect of a sensitive, intellectual person. One thing did catch my attention, though, and that was the size of his penis. I have nothing to compare it with in my past experience, but it looked a lot bigger than I'd expected, far too big to get inside me.
"I was a little scared now. I guess that's natural enough for the first time. I expected it to hurt and I was willing to put up with a little bit of pain if I'd get some pleasure out of it, too. I had no regrets or feelings of guilt at all; I really wanted to have sexual intercourse with this man I adored so.
"Soon he was over me, poised and ready. I spread my legs wide and he caressed the sensitive flesh in-between. Then, ever so gradually, he lowered himself to me until his penis was touching my tiny opening. I expected him to shove it in, but he waited and rubbed it around down there for a little while. That felt good When he did put it in, he was very careful. He inched it in a little at a time, watching my face for expressions of pain or pleasure.
"To tell the truth I felt neither. It hadn't hurt, the way I'd thought it would, but it didn't particularly thrill me either. It was just there And I was a little disappointed. Of course, I knew that's normal, too.
"I began to enjoy it when he got into motion, sliding it in and out very gently, rubbing against the stretched skin of my opening. It was like a tender caress and I was infinitely happy. Yes, it was really happening to me, the real thing that everybody talks about so much.
"I'd lost the peak of excitement I'd reached earlier and it took a while for me to get back there. Ted knew what to do, of course. He put his hand under my buttocks and began to move me up and down with him. I realized that I could do the same thing all by myself, sort of swing my hips in rhythm with him, and I started doing it. It made a fantastic difference. Now my whole pussy reached up to him, touched briefly, then pulled away.
"'It's good,' I said at last.
"'It's wonderful,' he returned.
"I sensed a gradually spreading warmth that extended all over my pussy, centering around my clitoris, of course, but shooting out in all directions, even as far as my anus. Each time he plunged into me I felt hotter. And by now he was doing it a lot faster. I kept up with him too, swiveling my hips in rhythm with his thrusts. It was really beautiful. Nobody would ever believe that the first time could be so great. I had an expert lover, though, and that made all the difference in the world.
"I'm a real woman at last, I thought to myself, and I wished there were somebody I could tell afterwards, but I knew we had to keep it a deep, dark secret.
"Soon, though, I wasn't thinking about anything but the way my pussy felt. He pumped me harder and harder and I loved it.
"'Oh,' I groaned.
"His mouth sought mine and we had another of those fantastic kisses. It was perfectly wild, the way his tongue was moving into me at one end and his penis at the other. I felt really joined to him somehow, as though I couldn't tell where my body left off and his began. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
"On and on we went, rocking the couch with the violence of our motions. It was everything I'd ever wanted it to be. Yes, it was perfect. I was climbing higher and higher, it seemed, ever closer to attaining the ultimate pinnacle of sensation. That's really what it was like, only of course I wasn't thinking in words like that at the time. Later and only later, going over the whole thing in my mind, I described it all to myself in a sort of poetic way. Right now I was completely lost in what was happening to my body.
"I'd read a little about orgasms and what they're supposed to feel like. But even if I'd never heard the word I'd have known when this incredible thing happened. There's nothing else in the world quite like it. Whoever compared it to a sneeze must have had a pretty dull sex life.
"For me it was like great ocean waves crashing against the shore again and again, beginning with great impact, then dwindling and diminishing ever so gradually. Or at least that's the way I thought about it later. When it happened I simply screamed a little scream and gasped.
"'Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted,' I murmured. 'Ted, darling.'
"My whole body was twitching and going every which way underneath him. And my pussy was absolutely bursting. I hadn't known that it could last so long and I'd had utterly no idea of what it would feel like.
"He kept on going, penetrating me with swift, forceful strokes. It was only an instant or so, though, before I was aware that he was about to climax too. I could see his face, so contorted it seemed unreal. It was as though he felt pain instead of pleasure, but I'm sure he was really enjoying it. He only looked so strange because it was so intense.
"At last he was stabbing at me and this was the only time during the whole thing that my poor little pussy actually hurt. But I didn't mind because he was enjoying himself so much and I loved him. Yes, I really loved him then.
"One final thrust and I could feel the hot liquid inside me. Then he collapsed, almost crushing me. He didn't say anything and didn't open his eyes for the longest time. It entered my mind that he might have had a heart attack-doesn't that happen sometimes?-and that he'd died. He really seemed to be unconscious.
"When he revived, he began covering me with little kisses and calling me 'sweetheart' and 'darling.'
"That was the beginning of our affair.
"We met again two days later at his place and made love, of course. Although I'd found some poetry I wanted to discuss with him, there just wasn't time for that. My mother gets home from work at four-thirty and she'd really think I was up to something if I wasn't there.
"We sort of fell into a pattern of meeting three times a week, always after school and never on weekends. He said he loved me but I didn't quite believe him. I wondered if he took out someone else, someone older and more sophisticated on Saturdays or Sundays. I was sure that I meant something special to him, but I sensed that he was a little uneasy about the whole thing. Nearly every time we met he'd ask me if I'd told anyone and make me promise never to mention it, ever.
"Finally I got up the nerve to ask him if he ever took out anyone else. I knew this would make me seem sort of possessive, and I try to be very mature about everything, but I had to know.
"He seemed horrified that I'd even thought of such a thing. He told me again that he loved me and only me and that he'd find it impossible to be unfaithful. I began to feel a little ashamed.
"'But what about the weekends?' I ventured. 'We never see each other from Friday until Monday. It's awful for me.'
"'It's awful for me, too,' he said. 'I miss you terribly.'
"'Then let's do something together this weekend. We could go to the country for a picnic or something. Anything as long as we're together.'
"'You forget that we have to be very cautious.'
"'Oh, I know that. I could think up an excuse for my mother, you know, something about going out with the girls. And I could even take a bus to the edge of town and meet you there. How about that?'
"'Oh, you're very clever,' he chuckled. 'Okay, you win.'
"And so we arranged to go on a picnic together on Sunday afternoon. I still wasn't sure of his love or his fidelity, but I thought it would be fun to be together somewhere else for a change.
"We met at the edge of town at a bus stop where there aren't any stores or houses. The only people who could see me getting into his car were the people in a car that was coming the other direction. And he worried about that, even scolding me for not waiting until there wasn't another living creature in sight. I think that's what they call being paranoid.
"We drove far into the country, then took a dirt road into the woods. It was fall and the scenery was lovely. I wondered how he happened to know of the obscure little spot where we finally stopped, but I guess I'm a little paranoid, too.
"He'd packed a big basket full of Cokes and potato chips and sandwiches. We carried it into the woods until we reached a small clearing. He took the blanket off the top of the basket and spread it on the ground. I looked inside the basket and made some remark about how groovy it was he'd thought to bring all those things. I started to set out some food on the blanket, but suddenly he clasped me in his arms.
"'I'd rather eat you instead,' he whispered.
"I was dying to make love. In fact, I never get enough of it. Without any help from him, I had my slacks, shirt, and panties off and lay down, spread-eagle fashion, on the blanket.
"Instants later he was crouched between my legs. He was still fully dressed. Gently he-ran his hand over my mound then parted the lips and let his fingers wander over the slippery surface inside. I started wiggling. I was hot already. It never takes long to turn me on for some strange reason. I know women are supposed to take awhile in getting aroused, but I had to go without it so much of the time that I was always ready and willing when the opportunity came.
"At last he was lapping at me with his tongue and I emitted screams of delight as he did so. He could do so many strange and wonderful things with that tongue of his. I especially liked the way he sometimes rolled it up and made it very pointed, then tickled me. But everything he did turned me on.
"By now he knew every little bulge and crevice of my pussy so well. He knew how to tease me and how to make me scream to have him fuck' me.
"This time I was so hot that I knew I couldn't stand a lot of his expert tongue work. I knew I could come that way, but I don't want to somehow. I never let him bring me to orgasm orally.
"I knew that sooner or later he'd suggest it and this happened to be the time that he brought it up.
"`How about finishing it off this way,' he said. 'I know you'd love it.'
"'No,' I protested. 'Give me the real thing.'
"He didn't argue, although I think he was a little disappointed. He quickly got out of his clothes and crawled on top of me. His penis slipped right in, the way it does these days now that I'm experienced. At first his strokes were very slow and he kept caressing me everywhere with his hands. I lay still for a moment or two, then began to grind my hips in rhythm with his motions. With every thrust of his penis inside me I grew hotter and hotter. My pussy tightened around that enormous shaft and I loved the way it filled me.
"He gradually increased the force and the speed. By now I was trembling with excitement.
"'Oh, darling,' I moaned, 'give me more, give me more.'
"'I'll give you everything I've got, sweetheart,' he returned in a coarse whisper.
"Together we churned and pounced. I was vaguely aware of the hard ground underneath my back, but nothing really mattered now except my hot pussy and the marvelous things he was doing to it. I suppose I'm lucky, the way I've learned to enjoy sex so much when so many women seem to have problems. My problem is, though, that I want it all the time. Yes, I could have sex for breakfast, lunch, and dinner....
"I have no trouble reaching a climax ever. Sometimes I try to keep from having one for as long as I can, prolonging the beautiful agony of it all. That's what I was doing now. I was ripe to finish at any instant, but I wanted to stay right where I was for as long as possible. I wanted to experience as much of those exquisite sensations as I could before it was over and done with.
"I was incredibly wet, which meant he could pound me furiously without my feeling the slightest twinge of pain. It's amazing how I've adjusted to that enormous penis.
"Finally I couldn't hold out any longer. No amount of distracting myself worked. My body just took over, putting my mind in second place. The little tremors grew into great spasms and my pussy was going utterly wild, alternately clutching at his penis, then letting it go, then straining to pull all of it into me. My hands dug into his back, and his shoulder against my face muffled the scream that I couldn't suppress. Oh, it was so good, so very, very good.
"He never made it at exactly the same time I did, for some reason, yet my orgasms usually triggered off his. And I usually kept on twitching and trembling while he climaxed.
"This time, though, it took a little longer. He kept on going at a furious speed, although I was too exhausted to keep up. I lay there, now feeling the uncomfortableness of the hard ground and wishing he'd hurry up.
"At last I felt his penis seem to explode inside of me. I held his now relaxed body tenderly in my arms and stroked his back. Even though those last few minutes hadn't been quite as much fun for me, I experienced a tremendous feeling of satisfaction from having him climax inside me.
"I love all the little things about it too, the way the warm liquid dribbles out of my pussy afterwards and the way our bodies become sweaty and sticky together. I even love the strange mixture of odors, all so pungent and strong. There are so many wonderful things about sex that the books-or at least the books I've read-just don't tell you.
"Frankly, I thought I'd found the perfect lover and that's what made it all so great. My secret hope was that he'd wait until I finished high school and then marry me, but he didn't mention anything of the kind. So I went on worrying about whether he really loved me enough and whether I was really destined to be heartbroken in the end. If he left me, I didn't know what I'd do."
Judy's experiences parallel, to some degree, the cases reported by Dr. Robert V. Heckel in his study, "The Effects of Fatherlessness in the Pre-Adolescent Female." Although Judy began her affair with an older man at an age slightly past that of preadolescence, she shares with the subjects of Dr. Heckel's study the one most important factor of all, namely, the lack of a father, which Dr. Heckel believes to be the one most important factor in the development of the Lolita syndrome.
Nevertheless, Judy did not overtly seek to make a father substitute of her lover. Although she was not quite able to meet him on his own level, what she wanted most of all was to be treated as an equal. Intellectually, she was quite mature for her age. She was bright and well read. Emotionally, however, she was much less grown-up than she considered herself to be. Her concept of love was mainly centered around sex. It would seem that she had been culturally conditioned to think of love as a necessary adjunct to sexual relations and therefore convinced herself that she was in love. Actually, though, Judy's need for love, particularly for the kind of love an older man could provide, was quite great. And although her sexual needs are probably quite real, it is possible that the descriptions of her sexual responses are somewhat exaggerated.
Judy's encounter with the social case worker, to whom she recounted her adventures, came as the result of growing conflict between Judy and her mother. Typical of the Lolitas cited by Dr. Heckel, Judy harbored a great deal of hostility toward her mother. As her affair progressed and Judy came to think of herself as a mature and independent woman, she began to set herself against her mother in quite an aggressive way.
Small disagreements over what clothes Judy wanted or what books her mother hadn't read developed into bitter quarrels that stopped just short of violence. Judy's mother, though lacking in understanding Judy's interests, her preoccupations and her problems, was nevertheless concerned, and felt that the situation was beyond her control. Thus she sought the help of a local social agency, a federally-funded operation which charged only nominal fees for consultation. Psychotherapy might have been more appropriate in Judy's case, but was beyond her mother's limited financial means.
The episode that follows points up Judy's true lack of maturity in the affair which she took so seriously at times.
"We hadn't planned to see each other that afternoon, but all day long I'd been dying for some sex. I was aware of my pussy constantly as I sat in class. It was hot and wet, the way it gets sometimes just before my periods for no good reason at all.
"I had to see him. That was all there was to it. So I decided to go to his place and surprise him. I walked there directly after school, but nobody answered when I rang the doorbell. I went down to his garage and saw that he wasn't home yet. So I waited behind some shrubbery for his car to pull in.
"I recognized the sound of his engine about five minutes later, but stayed in my hiding place until he'd parked the car and got out. As he walked toward the apartment building, I jumped out of the shrubbery and scared him.
"'Why, Judy, I didn't expect...."
"I giggled. 'Aren't you glad to see me?'
"'Of course, but it's quite a surprise, that's all.'
"Something seemed to be bugging him as we Walked up the steps together. Frankly, I was annoyed that he hadn't been overjoyed to see me. This man is supposed to love me. Why doesn't he act like it?
"Inside the apartment, he flopped down on the couch.
"'It's been a hard day,' he said. 'I'm very tired.'
"I didn't really know what he was trying to tell me. Sure I understand that people get tired, but I didn't know what tiredness could do to a man.
"I proceeded to take all my clothes off, slowly and gracefully, as though I were doing a striptease act on stage. One thing at a time, with wiggles and sneak-peeks in-between. I thought I did a pretty good job, but he just sat there as though he didn't notice.
"I wasn't mad, though, not yet. I went over to the couch and began to run my fingers through his hair and play with his ears. He smiled con-tentedly. Then I got up on my knees and thrust one of my nice big red nipples into his mouth. That he couldn't resist, but he wasn't overly enthusiastic somehow.
"I'd read that there are times when the woman should take the aggressive role and I guess that's what I was doing now. I racked my brain to think of ways to turn him on.
"The most obvious thing to do was undress him. First I removed his bright red scarf that was fastened with a kind of ring, then I unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off as he leaned forward. I had trouble with his belt buckle, so he gave me a hand with that. Next I unzipped his fly and reached my hand inside.
"Much to my surprise, his penis was little and limp. I'd seen it that way once in a while, but never at a time like this. I was stunned and hurt, though I tried not to let it show.
"All too passively he rose from the couch briefly to let me slip down his pants and his shorts. When I got them to his ankles. I realized that his shoes had to come off first, so I unbuckled them, pulled them off, then with one yank, removed his pants, shorts and socks. Some change fell out of one of his-pockets, but I let it lie on the floor. I was careful, though, to drape his pants over the arm of the couch so they wouldn't get badly wrinkled.
"All this and he was still soft. It was difficult to believe. I crawled into his lap and began to give him little kisses on the chin, neck and shoulders. Still no erection!
"Finally I took his penis between my hands and began to massage it in the most sensual way I knew how, stroking the little ridge under the head where I know he likes to be touched. It did grow a little larger, but it was nothing like the hard on I was used to.
"Finally he spoke. 'I'm sorry, baby. It's no use. I'm just too tired.'
"'Being tired is a state of mind,' I told him. I'd heard that somewhere.
"He smiled. 'Honey, I guess there are things you don't know about men.'
"That made me mad. After all this time, he was accusing me of being sexually naive. 'What do you mean?' I spouted out angrily. "I know all there is to know about men.'
"'There's one thing you don't seem to know, sweetheart, and that's the fact that sometimes a man is too tired to perform. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that he can't'
"I'd heard about impotence, but I thought it was a kind of disease. Since then I've heard about temporary impotence, but at the time I didn't know such a thing existed. I felt hurt and discouraged. It seemed to me that he didn't love me or wasn't attracted to me anymore. And I was so hot I could hardly bear it, especially now that I was naked. My poor pussy was all tingly, all ready for it, and every nerve in my body was on edge.
"'I've got to have it,' I cried anxiously. 'I need it. Don't you understand?'
"'Baby, I'm sorry. Really I am,' he stammered.
"I just sat there in his lap and glared at him for a few minutes. Finally I said, 'If you don't, do you know what I'll do? I'll tell. I'll tell everybody about us. My mother. The school principal. Everybody!'
"'You wouldn't,' he gasped. 'You couldn't do that, could you? Do you realize what that would mean? I'd probably go to jail....'
"'I'm giving you a choice,' I said firmly.
"'But don't you see? I have no choice.' He covered his face with his hands.
"I'd really struck him where it hurt, in both challenging-his masculinity and in threatening to tell. But it didn't occur to me then what an awful thing I was doing.
"'Do you love me or don't you?' I asked him curtly.
"'Judy, you have no idea how much I love you. Do you realize how much I've risked already to be with you. I adore you. I can't resist you. Oh, Judy.'
"He put his arms around me then and began to caress me all over. It's strange, but a person's body feels different somehow when they've just been hurt and I became aware of that difference just now. Suddenly he didn't seem tike such a big man anymore, he seemed to be more on my own level. His touch was tentative, questioning, fearful almost. I could sense all this. And I was trembling from both anger and sexual excitement.
"Our two bodies clung together and we seemed to melt into each other. I knew now that he really did love me in his own way and that I'd done something terribly wrong. Suddenly, I couldn't help crying, not sobbing, but just letting the tears drip from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. He kissed me tenderly, reassuringly.
"Soon he was kissing my breasts, too. Then he lay me down on the couch with my pussy pointing toward his face. He bent down and began to kiss my pussy with all the same tenderness and gentleness. I quivered at his touch.
"What I felt now was somehow different from anything I'd ever felt before. I'd been charged with all sorts of different emotions those past few minutes. But that seemed to make me more excited than ever. I squirmed and wiggled as he glided his tongue all around my pussy. It really felt wonderful. I was so extremely sensitive to everything, the wetness, the rough surface of his tongue, the way he kept changing the rhythm.
"For a little while he took my clitoris and sucked at it gently, not too much, just enough to tease me. Then he curled his tongue so that the end became pointed and prodded it into the opening. I was too far gone by now to even think of having intercourse. What I wanted was more of this. Yes, this was so much more gentle.
"I lay there, letting him carry me higher and higher with the magnificent motions of his tongue. I'd forgotten everything but the way my pussy felt and the sensations that started there and shot through my whole body. I didn't know if I was close to making it or not; all I knew was that I loved every bit of it. I wasn't thinking ahead. I was just enjoying every unique sensation as it occurred. It was one of the most fantastic times I'd ever had.
"To make it even better, Ted moistened one of his fingers and stuck it into my anus. That's the first time this ever happened to me; in fact, I'd never even considered what such a thing would feel like. And it's hard to describe. From the instant he did it, a strange and new kind of sensation seemed to creep up my whole spine. At the same time my pussy got hotter, incredibly hot.
"I began to moan and squirm. It was pure ecstasy. Everything possible was happening all at once: his finger in my anus, his tongue in my opening, and his lips against my clitoris.
"It was more than I could stand. All of a sudden I was twitching wildly. I don't know where my orgasm started or if it started everywhere all at once. My hips shot up in the air and I was grinding my pussy against his face.
Suddenly he thrust two fingers into my gaping hole and I could feel the inner walls clutch against them tightly in tremendous spasms. I hadn't believed myself capable of such a violent response.
"My whole body was writhing and twisting, and then I was laughing hysterically. I was totally out of my mind for a few moments there. The whole thing was so wild it frightened me afterwards when I was myself again. The thought flashed through my mind that I might be a nymphomaniac.
"But I didn't become depressed or concerned because Ted was covering me all over with little kisses and telling me how much he loved me. I was infinitely happy and it was only later that I remembered how oddly our lovemaking had begun and how badly I'd behaved."
Judy's affair with Ted continued for several months. At the end of the school term, however, Ted moved to another school district where he was to begin working during the summer session. Ted explained to Judy that he was leaving because he had a better job and could not turn down a chance for advancement in his profession. Judy realized what she had suspected all along, that Ted was fascinated and captivated by her youthful charms, but did not love her in an enduring and complete way. He did write to her occasionally after the separation, though infrequently for fear of discovery. To preserve her self-respect, Judy wrote him a scathing reply in which she accused him of doing great damage to her. After all, he had initiated her sexually, then left her to be lonely and frustrated.
For some time after Ted's departure, Judy's difficulties at home became worse. One of the reasons was her sexual frustration. She became increasingly edgy and irritable. The social worker tried to point out to her that her mother might also be sexually frustrated and therefore should be worthy of her sympathy, but Judy refused to acknowledge that her mother was capable of sexual drives. For some reason not explained by the social worker, Judy was never encouraged to masturbate, a practice that might have given her some physical relief at least.
After a long and difficult summer, Judy returned to school as a sophomore, and began to date a senior whom she described as different from other boys his age. Surprisingly, they became sexually involved from the start and the relationship appeared to be satisfactory in a number of ways. Perhaps the most important factor in this new affair was that the boy's parents took an interest in Judy. Unlike her own mother, they were able to appreciate her intellectual capacities. Furthermore, they were aware of the young couple's sexual relationship and did not disapprove. The boy's mother went so far as to procure birth control pills for Judy, which entailed traveling to another town to a strange doctor and posing as Judy's own mother.
Thus, Judy became a reformed Lolita, transforming herself into a more typical teenager of our times. Her new lover provided her with a sex life every bit as exciting as the one she had enjoyed with Ted and with emotional satisfaction that had been lacking in her previous affair. Also, in the boy's parents she found the adult attention and guidance her own home had not provided.
At the time she stopped seeing the social worker, Judy's outlook for the future was quite optimistic. The boy planned to attend a college near home so as to be near Judy. They tentatively planned marriage, but agreed that Judy should stay in school and make every attempt to obtain a scholarship. Most important, perhaps, Judy came to terms with her mother's deficiencies and began to understand the difficulties involved in raising a child alone. Thus she became more tolerant and more sympathetic. In short, she became a much more mature young woman.