Chapter 5
Lisa M. is twenty-six years old. Lovely and feminine, she has just relieved herself of intense emotional feelings regarding her childhood.
As a child, Lisa's father had continually practiced sex with her. The first time was when she was six, and he continued to "go after her" until she left home when she was fifteen. Her life, through those years, consisted of hardships, arguments and poverty. The family, two brothers and herself, were locked together in a very small apartment. The father was a tyrant and tried to control every move. He soon came to realize that the brothers were threatening his hold on his daughter and sent them off to work. It was this time that Lisa herself had to leave.
Now married and happy, Lisa was able to describe those years and how they affected her sexual behavior later on. She was at first reluctant to discuss what had happened and why, but as the interview progressed, she began to realize the important cathartic effect it would have on her.
Our home life was very bad. There was always a lack of money and much bitterness because of that. Dad would blame Mom and Mom would blame Dad. Constantly, there was fighting and arguing over whose fault it was.
My brothers and I grew pretty close because of that, I suppose. They were both older than myself and kind of took care of me during those years. I suppose that it was really them who raised me as a child, and not my parents.
The first sexual experience I had was when I was six years old. Dad had just been laid off his job and was very bitter about everything. He drank a lot then, and would spend the days drinking and just kind of wandering around the house with a strange look in his eyes. Then one day I was sick and it all began.
I was laying in bed and Dad and I were the only ones in the house. I was wearing this short nightie and reading when he walked into the room. He stood at the doorway for a long time, not speaking but just staring at me. Then he asked me if there was anything I wanted. I told him that I wanted a glass of water. But he unzipped his pants and pulled out his organ.
"Don't you want this?" He asked, holding his penis in his hand and making it grow hard.
I was very frightened and asked him to please leave. Instead of doing that, he pulled his pants down over his buttocks and walked across the room towards the bed. He stood above me, with his balls and prick right over my head and laughed.
"It's big, isn't it? It'll tear you apart, little girl, literally tear you apart!"
I began to cry but that didn't stop him. He pulled the covers back and lifted up my nightdress over my head. I was naked underneath. He put his mouth to my parts and began licking my vagina.
"Someday" He said, laying himself down on the bed next to me, "when you're big, you'll have hair there and plenty of room for pricks."
He moved next to me and began rubbing his prick against .my belly. I was shaking I was so scared but there was nothing I could do. Then he brought my hand down and made me put it on his penis. I remember how hard and warm and sticky it was. It disgusted me, the way it lay there being so snake-like.
"That's it, just rub it a little, get the feel of it 'cause you're going to know it much better!" He laughed as he forced my hand up between his legs and made me grab his balls.
I tried to pull away but he forced me to stay. Soon, I found myself stroking the length of his prick until finally he came with a shudder. The white stuff squirted out all over my belly, and I felt sick. But he just laughed and then got real angry and stood above me with his belt off.
"You ;say anything about this to your mother and I'll beat the shit out of you!"
He meant it, too, and I was scared out of my mind. There was nothing I could do, and that threat on his part ruined any plans I would ever have of telling anybody what he had done. Then, just as he was leaving, he stopped, turned around and smiled.
"Lesson number two will be tomorrow, baby, I'll teach you everything you need to know to make me happy..."
And then he walked out of the room.
From that day on I would never stay home if I was sick or something. I would make every excuse to stay out of the house until either my brothers or my mother was home. My-dad and I were playing a kind of cat and mouse game, and he knew I was trying to avoid him. It scared me to think what he would do to me the next time because of all the lengths I gone to avoid him.
About three months after that episode, I found myself alone in the house with him again. This time, there was no one around to stop him. It was like for all that time he was saving himself for the chance to get to me once we were alone again. It was a horrible feeling and I knew there would be trouble.
I tried to run from the house, but he stopped me at the front door.
"Don't you want to play with daddy's prick, baby?"
He was leering and drunk. I backed away, but he came after me, undoing his pants and pulling out his penis. When he was hard, he pulled me up against him and made me touch him again. But this time, he had something else in mind.
"Put your sweet little mouth on it ... it won't bite!"
He forced my head down there and opened my mouth. Then , he put his prick inside and began moving back and forth like he was fucking a woman's vagina. He stuffed his huge thing far down my throat and I thought I would choke, but each time he would slide it back out again and let me breath. I tried to get out somehow, even thought of biting him on his prick, but knew if I tried anything like that I would be dead. So, I just held on while he pumped his ugly prick inside my mouth.
"I'm coming darlin', goin' to shoot a wad of stuff inside your virgin mouth ... yes-sir!! ! "
And then he came. The stuff seemed to flood from nowhere in a torrent. I tried spitting it out because I was getting pretty nauseous and about ready to throw up on myself. But there was nothing I could do, the stuff was coming so fast. Finally, when he had dumped all his shit into my mouth, he pulled his cock out and stuffed it back inside his pants. He was grinning and leering like some kind of a madman. At that point, I think I really began to hate him. That hatred has never stopped and I'm sure it never will.
Things went along like that for six years. I mean, he never made me do more than jack him off or take his prick into my mouth. Meanwhile, he sent my older brothers off to work and kept Mom working two jobs to support us. He got drunker and older and didn't do a fucking thing throughout all those years except get his rocks off with me.
When I was finally thirteen, I began to realize that I was becoming a woman. I mean, at that time my breasts were already pretty well-developed and there was hair on my cunt. I wasn't bad looking, but took no pains to make myself pretty because the last thing I wanted was sex with anyone. Good 'ol dad had pretty well ruined that for me already.
At that time I used to go to the beach a lot to be alone. It was the only time I could get off by myself and I used to go there anytime I could. On this day it was cloudy and cold, and the beach appeared to be deserted except for me. Then, way far down the sand, I noticed the figure of a man coming towards me.
His name was Sam. He was in his thirties, hunched over and kind of pathetic. But he was nice to me, gave me a few sea-shells and lent me his huge overcoat to wear in the cold. We got to talking about this and that, and finally wound up discussing sex.
"Do you ever masturbate?" His question was simple and clear, but it really shocked me. I had heard some of the girls at school talking about it, but I really didn't know what it was.
"I'll teach you how, if you want to ... " He smiled at me. I didn't know what he wanted and figured that probably he wanted to fuck me. But the idea that eventually my own father would get around to fucking me was insistent at that time and I figured that if this guy did before my own father then I could tell my father that and make him angry. It was a kind of insane way of reasoning about things like, but at that time, it was the only way for me.
Sam told me to get undressed so I would have easier access to my own 'private parts'. I was kind of embarrassed when I was finally naked, but he was still very friendly and very appreciative of my body.
"You're very beautiful ... quite lovely..." He kept repeating that while he looked me over. Finally, he told me to lay down on the sand and spread my legs. I threw myself backwards and spread my legs. He came up between them and took one of my hands.
"Now" He said, holding my hand, "you take your hand like this and put it here and start rubbing easily back and forth until you feel yourself getting there. Then, when you do, you put a few fingers inside yourself and come that way. You see, when you find yourself a boyfriend in years from now, he'll be able to make you come much easier."
I did what I was told. He watched me while I rubbed my clit. I tried to keep from getting turned on because I was still embarrassed about the whole thing. But there were some pretty wild things happening inside, and the more and the harder I rubbed myself there, the greater was the pleasure.
When I was finally breathing very hard, Sam told me to stick my fingers inside my vagina. I spread myself open and inserted my fingers up inside. They felt good there, and I was surprised just how wet I was. I liked the feeling of having something inside, but kept reverting back to images of my fathers' huge, swollen prick as the thing inside me. That was very disappointing and by the time I was finished, that image seemed to stay in my mind. I think now that was why when I had finished I told Sam that I thought the whole thing was really disgusting. I threw his overcoat in his face, told him to 'go to hell', and ran off down the beach crying.
I realized now that there was something a little wrong with Sam. But at that time, with me either being forced to jack my father off or blow him, Sam seemed like the most nearly normal person I had met in my whole life. And what he had taught me was something which became more and more valuable because it was something I could do myself. But I hated my father even more because of Sam, because the image of his prick had ruined that day on the beach when Sam was teaching me how to satisfy myself.
Then it finally happened. I knew it would come eventually because my father had been looking at me in strange ways for some time. He knew I was turning into a woman, and even though I tried to make myself look ugly, to ward him off in that way, he still knew there were breasts and a woman's vagina beneath my clothing.
It was a dark afternoon during the winter. I was in the shower and thought he was gone. That night, I was going to a sports night at my school and was looking forward to spending the night out of the house.
I heard the bathroom door open and saw the image of him walking towards the tub through the shower curtain.
"Well, well, who's naked in the shower?"
He was stoned out of his mind, really drunk like I had never seen him. His voice was cracking like there was some kind of terrible tension in it that he couldn't control. I backed up against the wall of the shower, and pulled a towel across as much of my body as I could.
He ripped open the curtain and leered inside at me.
"Ah, the naked little cunt! You've blown me, beat me off and watched me come ... now, it's your turn, little bitch!"
He grabbed the towel away from me and threw it to the ground. For the first time, I noticed that he was naked and erect. His penis looked bigger and harder than I had ever seen it. I begged him to go away, to leave me alone for once in his life, but he just laughed.
"You're my little piece of ass in residence, don't you know that?" And he laughed again as he stepped into the shower with me. He grabbed me and made me rub up against him. His prick felt slimy and huge against my stomach, and I wanted to hit him.
He brought his hand up between my legs and rested it at the entrance to my vagina.
"Ah, feels moist and soft ... all ready for daddy, is it?"
Then he peeled apart my lips and rammed his finger up inside. Even though I had been doing that to myself for some time, it hurt like hell. I started to scream but he covered my mouth with his hand and gagged me into silence.
He kept fingering me with one hand and holding the other over my mouth. I almost fainted because I couldn't breathe correctly, but that didn't seem to concern him at all.
Then he withdrew his hand from my cunt and went around my back. He spread the cheeks of my ass and placed his finger in my hole. The pain was terrific, but he still had me gagged and there was no way I could scream for help. Anyway, there was no help around ... no one.
"All right, enough of this shit ... it's time for the real thing!"
He pulled me from the shower and dragged me into the bedroom. He hit me once and knocked me down onto the bed. He stood above me, holding his prick in his hand and kind of waving it at me like it was some kind of flag or something.
"I'm going to ram you with this. Every girl needs it once, and your time has finally come. Finally come."
I was dizzy as I watched him lower himself down on top. He threw my legs apart and guided his prick between them. I felt the hot, burning skin of his cock as it spread the lips and he began pushing it inside. Each time he lunged a little further, I felt as though I had split more. It was like my entire insides were being torn apart by his burning steel.
"Ah, sweet cunt ... never ... been ... touched ... before...! ! ! "
He was pumping into me. I just lay there, not moving or responding at all. It was as though for the first time I was willing myself dead around my vagina. I seemed to have cut off all feeling there, letting him do what he wanted but making sure I did not feel his huge, throbbing presence.
I felt him come. He was all wet when he pulled himself out. I ran into the bathroom and washed myself off, then I threw up and washed again. I must have spent two hours in that bathroom trying to get clean, trying to wash the dirt off of me that he had put there. But there was no way that could have been accomplished with water. I didn't know it then, but it would take much, much more to ever get me wholly clean.
I decided that even though I had been raped I would go the sports night at school. There was no way I could stay around the house with him there, and the activity at school was a perfect reason for leaving. He couldn't stop me because that would draw suspicion towards him-and that was the last thing that old fucker wanted.
The school was filled with happy kids, all of them about my age. As I walked through the gym, looking at the pretty, clean faces and smiling people, I became furious. They were not like me. I would never be like them and I knew it. I wanted to tear down everything around there and destroy the whole thing. I had to do something because I felt myself to be inferior to everyone.
As the night wore on, there was a boy who kept after me to dance. Finally, I said I would.
He led me out onto the floor and we began dancing. He wanted to dance close at first, but I pushed him away. Then, a strange thing happened. I realized suddenly that I was a woman, and a woman who had fucked and fucked again. No one else here in that place could have made such a statement. I was different, so I figured I could at least play the part.
I pulled this guy real close to me. Then I put my hand on his ass and played with his cheeks. I could feel him growing hard between us, so I thrust my stomach up against his groin and ground it in.
"Hey" he groaned, getting really hot, "you really get it on, don't you?"
"I'm just a red-hot mamma, sonny, a fucker!" I guess the word kind of shocked him because he pulled away. But then I pulled him back again.
During the dance, I let my hand slide once or twice down between our bodies so that it grazed his hard cock as it went by. Each time I did this, I could feel him lurch and shudder a little.
"You're getting pretty hot down there ... "
"You notice a lot" he replied, almost afraid of me.
"Well" I replied, bringing my hand up between his legs and cupping his balls, "who could help but to notice with the huge meat you've got!"
He was getting pretty uptight. I mean, he really didn't know what to make of me. He had always thought of me as some innocent little girl and here I was feeling him up and beating him off right there on the dance floor! I was really living up to my image of myself that night.
"Let's go outside, David, I want to see you."
He led me through the doors, I noticed a few of the guys were watching us like hawks. They had caught what was happening out there on the floor, and they were making notes on me so maybe they could get in on some of the action later. I was also making notes, figuring out in which order I would take them. All of them.
We walked across the field and went underneath the bleachers. I didn't even let him kiss me, but went to work unhooking his belt and dropping his pants. He kind of stood there in total amazement, not able to say a word.
I pulled his prick out from his shorts and began giving him one hell of a blow job. First, I just blew warm air around the head. Then, I reached underneath and took his balls and rubbed them together. I followed the line between them up his cock and touched his head. Then I drove my tongue into his hole and worked that open. After listening to him almost choke on his own excitement, I took his entire length into my mouth and began sucking him out.
He held onto the back of my head. I sucked and licked at his prick until finally he shot his load into my mouth. It was a heavy one, the guy was obviously pretty horny. I swallowed everything he had and then licked his cock and balls dry.
"God" he said, trying to hold me as though I were his girlfriend or something, "that was fantastic!"
"You're nicely built ... I liked sucking your dick."
"Take off your clothes, Lisa, please?"
I thought about it for a minute. Then I decided that I was beginning to enjoy my new role, my new self-image. I knew I would have to string it out a little if it was going to last.
"Maybe some other time, David, 'cause you know I'd really like to feel that big piece of meat you have there inside my warm cunt."
"Then why not now, for Christsakes!! ? ? "
"Oh, just because..." And I turned away and left him standing there underneath those dark bleachers wondering about me. But I knew I had him along with every other guy at that school if I so desired. As I walked back into the gym, I even began wondering about the teachers ... I thought that maybe that would be kind of fun.
When David came back into the gym, I knew I had everybody there. It was a good feeling, like a kind of purge because they all knew I was evil and dirty and would treat me that way. I guess now that seems kind of childish, but thats the way I was thinking about it then.
After the function was over, I started walking home. This guy who I had seen there walked up along side of me and fell into step. It was already beginning, and I was happy because at least I didn't have to go home.
"Want to go to a great party?"
"I'm not sure ... I mean, I don't even know you ... do I?"
He looked at me, smiling and really digging on what he knew I would give him.
"We could get better acquainted, couldn't we?"
I told him that I didn't know about that. I was playing coy with him and wanted to get as much out of him as I could. As we walked on, he kept after me about going to the party, and really started to beg. Those guys in my school were really horny, and they would have done practically anything to get a piece of ass. Ic made me feel powerful knowing that I controlled the immediate happiness of him, and probably of all the others who thought they would be getting something from me.
"Why don't we get to know each other better before we go, then I'll go to the party with you."
I stopped on the sidewalk, took his head and kissed him hard on the mouth. I opened my lips and threw my tongue inside his mouth and explored him there. It was like with each guy I was teaching them the tricks, teaching them things I had been doing since I was six years old.
We kissed there long and hard. It was apparent that this was the farthest he had ever gone with a girl. He really didn't know what to do after the kiss, although I'm sure he had a pretty good idea.
"Aren't you going to feel me?" I asked, lifting my sweater above my bra and unsnapping the back strap. He stood there and stared at my nude breasts. The evening breeze was making the nipples hard and they were beginning to ache.
"Here, just put your hand on them..." I took his hand and lifted it to my tit. He was shaking and there was sweat pouring from every gland. He stroked my nipples, and than began to pinch and caress it.
"Ahhh..." I moaned, "that feels so nice. Put your mouth there."
He put his lips on me and began sucking hard on my tit. I pulled him tightly against my chest, letting him work and bite at those aching buds of mine. Then, I reached underneath him and grabbed his nuts. His dick was hard as a rock and pretty large. I found the stem and began stroking him underneath his jeans. Then, I slid my hand down the front of his pants and found his hot, throbbing shaft all curled up inside like it was a trapped snake ready to leap out at the world.
"Oh, God," I cried, jacking him off inside his pants, "you're so big and hot ... so big!! ! "
He was getting into the whole thing with much more enthusiasm now. His hand was roaming around my ass underneath my panties. He would follow the crack up and down, then try to squeeze his way underneath to my cunt. But my tight pants made that play almost impossible.
All of this time we were standing outside on the sidewalk. I suddenly realized this and pulled away from him.
"Let's go into the bushes ... hurry!"
We found a spot underneath a large bush. He tried to kiss me again, but I backed away.
"Just relax and let me show you something..."
I lifted my sweater over my head, then ripped off my bra. It was becoming like a dream, there was a certain kind of exultation I felt at tearing at my clothing. Somehow, and in some way, I was freeing myself from those bonds which my father had put around me. I was becoming a free person again, someone who had a life of their own.
When I was naked from the waist up, he tried to come at me again. I held him off while I tore at my pants, then actually ripped my panties away from my skin. I was naked, rubbing my fur and smiling at him.
"Do you like me?"
"Yes ... yes!! ! "
"Let me see what you've got there inside your pants."
He ripped at his clothes and within seconds was naked. His erect prick stood out hard and proud against the moonlight. I thought about what a shame it was that I had grown up the way I had. I thought about how I would have enjoyed having a real boyfriend and discovering all those things together, for the first time. But that was never to be, and the bitterness once again swept over me. I wanted out, somehow, and I wanted it fast.
"Fuck me, baby, fuck me with everything you've got!! ! "
I threw myself back on the grass and spread myself. He came down on me and drove his prick inside. He came almost immediately, and didn't even give me a chance to develop a sweat.
"I'm sorry." He muttered.
"That's okay ... first time?"
"Uh huh."
I looked at him, thought once again how nice it would have been had I been able to have a boyfriend, and then asked him about the party. He was shocked that I wanted to go but I demanded that we did.
There were about fifteen kids at the party. Ten boys and five girls. The house was large and the people were well-to-do. Underneath the house was a basement that was used as a recreation room. I went down there alone and took off my clothes. I sat by myself on the pool table, waiting for someone to come in.
This guy walked in about five minutes later. He saw me sitting there naked and almost ran back out of the room.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Sitting naked on the pool table ... " Then I rolled on my back, planted my legs on the edges, and let my knees fall apart. He was looking directly into my vagina, that seething churning pot full of rich juices for anyone that wanted them.
"Want to fuck?"
He looked frightened and then finally ran from the room. I lay where I was, waiting as I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Suddenly, every guy in the party was standing above me, looking and staring up my cunt.
"Anybody want in?" I asked, searching their faces.
The first guy to lower his pants was a huge football player. He was actually fat but had a good-size dick. He jumped onto the table with the cheers of the others and began pumping away. The rest watched as he came quickly inside me.
Then another guy jumped on and did it.
Then another and another. Finally, everyone there had had his turn. I calmly got up, feeling a little sore and not much else, and dressed.
"Well", I said, about ready to walk out the back door, "it's been a lot of fun!"
And then I turned and walked out the door. I was never to see any of them ever again. When I got home, my father had somehow found out what I had been doing. I think that one of the girls at the party had run to my house and told my parents. They all thought I was going crazy or something.
Anyway, the next day I was sent to a reform school where I spent two years. Those years were nothing, and I was happy that at least I was away from my father. During that time, I actually made friends and began to know what it was like to really like someone. They were the best years of my life up until that time.
When I was finally sent home, as though it were some kind of a reward, I felt sick inside. I had made a lot of progress within myself and was beginning to feel kind of like a real human being and now, after all that, I had to go back into the same pit again. That was the day I ran away.
I took off and decided to never come back again. I knew I could find a cure for myself, a way of straightening out my head. So far, I guess I've been pretty lucky and have come a long way. That night, and all those sessions with my father, were things of the past. I hope they will soon be thrown back there forever.
SUMMARY
This case represents the statistical norm as far as cases where incest between the father and the daughter have been recorded. The father was a tyrannical head of the family who, because of his employment and emotional situation, was suffering from feelings of impotence and inferiority.
This psychological makeup of Lisa's father led him to use her as a receptacle for his own fears and doubts over his sexuality. By showing and exposing himself to his six-year old daughter, he was testing his own manhood with someone who could not afford to put him down. With those normal attributes of manhood gone from his life-his work, his self-esteem, etc., he had to resort to this juvenile method of proving himself.
As time went on, and Lisa's father refused to improve himself and drowned himself in drink, his sexual advances became more and more intimate and strong. This led naturally to the final incident of rape on the day of her school sports night.
Lisa herself found her only method of sexual release to be masturbation. The strange incident with the man on the beach illustrates propensity on her part to entrust anyone outside of her family and to disregard the consequences of her own actions. Masturbation for her became a retreat, a place where she could go by herself as long as the image of her father's penis was not present. It's reoccurring presence, however, destroyed that retreat for her and led her to acts of desperation.
The night of her sexual promiscuity was the example of her need to throw aside the feelings of guilt and shame which she held for herself. Her image, etc., was an attempt to go the route of self-depreciation and come out with something new. Her sudden dismissal to the reform school, however, halted any advances that kind of self-therapy would have held. It is highly unlikely that with that kind of behavior, Lisa would have helped herself at all.
After leaving her home, and going through intensive therapy with a psychiatrist, Lisa has improved vastly. Her self-image is no longer one of shame and guilt and self-hatred. She is learning to understand what happened to her, not only physically, but mentally. She will integrate that knowledge into her own behavior patterns and fully begin to understand herself as a human being.
Society condemns incest with possibly more vehemence than any other sexual act. Lisa, and people like her, must learn to reject the temptation to include themselves in this condemnation. They must remember that they are the victims, not the instigators, and that their suffering and troubles can only be cured through the intelligent, unbiased study of their individual situations.