Chapter 2
George and Ella had met accidentally in the street. There were many people in the street, as Ella was walking home, and she did not notice George, owing to his height, and crashed straight into him.
From George's point of view, his head crashed into a soft female stomach and his hands, which he had in front of him-holding a parcel-crashed pleasantly into a cunt. Or rather, the cunt hurled itself at his hands.
Ella never said Sorry, nor did George, so there was quite a little pause before they disengaged themselves in the crowd. When Ella saw the dwarf properly, and noticed the lewd arrogant expression in his eyes, she was delighted. She judged the dwarf to be about 30 year old. She herself was 34. Her eyes ran down his body with interest. She giggled aloud, as her eyes rested on the front of his trousered body and as the thought occured to her that his cock and balls were probably tin), like a monkey's. Then she thought of the enormous parts male goats have, and she again looked down at his body-speculatively. On an impulse, she reached out her hands and placed it flat against his parts.
'That's what I call destiny," said George, pleasantly. A few passers-by in the busy street gazed at them curiously. A fourteen year old girl, her hand in her mother's, sniggered. The mother pulled her away and muttered "Come on" in a disgusted voice. A red-nosed old woman remarked to her rednosed male companion "Disgusting." Ella and George, their hands on each other's centres of pleasure smiled.
"I'm an Irishman," George announced suddenly. "The way all these English bastards are looking at us, you'd think didn't know what a cunt was."
"I think I'm going to like you," said Ella "Shall we go somewhere and have a fuck right away, or shall we have a drink first?"
"Let's have a drink first," said George. "We'll give the bloody English something to think about in the pub, eh?"
"I'm English myself," said Ella, laughing. She had a nice face, blonde hair, a good figure, and she was dressed reasonably well.
They went into the saloon bar of the first pub they came to, a dowdy brown structure in the English tradition, with a disagreable looking woman behind the bar, assisted by a pimply common-looking youth. About half a dozen customers were already ranged round the bar-a mixture of roughish workmen some better-dressed types who were probably clerks, and a couple of fattish women.
"You can't call yourself English," George said as they made their way to the bar. "No woman has nationality. If a woman sleeps with a negro, then she's a negress. If she goes to bed with a Persian, then she's also Persian. And so on. It's only men who keep up the illusion of nationality."
George's short stature had already excited attention, as they entered the bar. Now his Irish accent, and forcible sentiments increased the general public curiosity still further.
George' face came up to just above the bar. He plonked down a pound note. "What will you have?" "He said to Ella."
"A pint, and a drop of something stronger for me rheumatism," said Ella, lighting a big cigar which she had produced from her handbag.
"Two pints and two double-Scotches," ordered! George. A workman at the far end of the bar guffawed. George immediately spun round in his direction.
"Why don't you laugh right out?** he said. "What you really want to say is, look at that Funny Little Bleeder, I wonder what size he is under his trousers.'*
"All right, mate, take it easy,** said the workman, who was actually quite a nice old chap, with a pleasant vacant face, a drooping mouth and dirty fingernails. "It's a free country, ain*t it?
"Free country?" said Ella, who had already swallowed down half her pint," I'd call it he stupidest most bigotted most limited and most despotical pisshole of an island in the world."
The old woman behind the bar looked even more unfriendly. "Now, now," she said. "Please!"
"And the lady's English," George said triumphantly. "That's what I'd call inside information."
"I suppose you're Communist," the workman said to Ella.
"I'm not even a Lesbian," replied Ella. I like plenty of money, and I like men. But I don't like cant."
"Now, now," said the old woman behind the bar. "No swearing and bad language here, if you don't mind."
"She said cant," said George.
"And I heard her say it," said the old woman grimly. "And shame on her, too."
The other male customers in the bar sniggered. The woman did their best to look unconcerned.
"Madam," said George. "Do you know what cant is?"
"Look here mister," said the old woman, "I've had four four children myself, so I should know what's bad language and what isn't. And I'd be obliged to you if you kept your conversation decent. Otherwise I'll have to ask you to go."
"They didn't mean any harm, Mrs. Smith" said one of the clerks.
The old woman snorted. "I don't like to turn anybody away these days, not with the way the trade is. But I'm not standing for no foul language in this house."
"He said CANT," explained the clerk.
"Now don't you start as well," said the old woman.
"CANT means hypocrisy," persisted the clerk.
"What a terrible thing to say; apart from using the language," said the old woman. "You might as well call every mother a hypocrite."
"Cant and not cunt," said George. The two women customers at the bar looked at George and Ella with strong disapproval.
"Now, sir," said the old woman. "That will be the last time if you please."
"They're in the right, Mrs. Smith," said the worman. "There nothing wrong in talking about CANT."
"What's the matter with everybody to-day? said the old woman with despair.
"CANT and not CUNT," repeated George. The confusion was too much for the male customers, all of whom now sniggered.
"I think you've all gone mad," said the old woman.
"CANT and not CUNT," repeated George loudly.
"I'd rather talk about CUNT," said Ella distinctly.
"We can't talk about cunt here," said George. "It's not allowed."
"Come on mate, keep the party clean," said the workman.
Ella swallowed down her Scotch at one gulp, and took another swig of beer. George whose drinking appetites seemed to be similar to hers, had already finished his beer and Scotch.
"Same again," said Ella, putting down a five-pound note. The old woman hesitated. "And a drink all round for everybody," said Ella. That was too much for Mrs. Smith. She served the drinks. The workmen and the clerks took pints, the two women customers Gin and Lime.
"And one for yourself," said Ella. Mrs. Smith, with a resigned expression, took a Gin for herself.
Ella lifted her glass. "Ants in your pants!" she said.
"And crabs in your cockpits!" added George.
"Cheers!" said the two women customers. The men said "Good luck, and here's to you. Generally, the atmosphere had become quite cordial."
"All the best," said Mrs. Smith. The young pimply barman was obviously enjoying the conversation. He didn't say anything at all, but kept washing up and drying the same glasses. As he sipped his pint, he stole an occasional look at Ella's figure.
"Now what were we talking about?" said Ella. The old woman shifted uneasily.
"English hypocrisy. I can't use the word cant because the hostess doesn't approve."
"I don't want a hear a lot of talk about politics." "Said Ella." "I prefer to hear men talking about cunt. It's more natural."
"We can't talk about cunt either," said George. "It sounds too much like cant."
"Now look here, mate," said the workmean, "I said let's keep the party clean, didn't I?"
"What party," said George. "The Conservative party?"
"You're trying to be funny now," said the workman."
"Apparently I can't help being funny," said George. "After all you started laughing as soon as I came in."
"That's fair enough," said the clerk who had spoken before. "After all, there's no need to laugh at the man just because he's smaller than the rest of us."
"Hear, hear!" said the two women customers.
"I didn't mean to laugh at the little bleeder," said the workman. "It just sort of struck me as funny, the way he came in, like, with the young lady, if you know what I mean."
"The strange thing about the English," said George, looking at the workman with interest. "Is that so many of them are ignorant of the simplest vocabulary of their own language. The effort of putting English sentences together logically and correctly seems to be beyond the capacity of most Englishmen."
"Tere's no need to get nasty," said the workman.
"I shall get as nasty as I like," said George. "And you can't stop me, because you're too much of a moral coward to hit someone so much smaller than yourself."
"That's why I said we shouldn't talk about politics," said Ella. Politics always lead to trouble."
"Hear, hear!" said the two women customers.
A second workman, standing nearest to George, now joined that conversation. "I must say" he said, "that on the whole I agree with my mate in the corner. Doesn't matter how small we are, we still got to be decent, ain't we?"
"Decency is relative," said George. "If a small boy takes out his cock in the street to pee, nobody minds."
"Now, now" said Mrs. Smith.
"That's where you're wrong," said the second workman to George. "What you've said just now already isn't decent."
"You mean the word cock?" said George.
"That's right."
"But haven't you ever said old cock?" asked George.
"Maybe I have," said the workman." "But old cock is a different expression."
He eans old cock is cleaner than young cock," said Ella.
"There isn't no such expression as young cock," said the workman.
"But he was talking about a young cock," insisted Ella. "You can't call a young boy's cock anything except a young cock, can you?"
"Another example of cant," said George.
I think what the small gentleman means," said one of the two women customers, "is that words only seem indecent sometimes. At other times the same words would souud perfectly all right."
"But we've got to act civilized," said another of the clerks. "Otherwise where would we all be?"
"In bed," said Ella.
"That's what I mean," said the clerk.
"You don't believe in going to bed with a woman?" asked Ella.
"Maybe I do, but I don't go round talking about it."
"But you go round thinking about it," said George.
"But what I think is my own business."
"And what I say is my own business," said George. "It's a matter of taste."
"Same again all round, Mrs. Smith," said the workman in the corner.
"The English," said George reflectively when the drinks had been served, have a secret religion. That religion is their so-called fear of six attractive expressions: cunt, cock, fuck, toss-off, suck off, shit."
"Now I thought we were going to keep it all clean," said the first workman.
"I'm examining the problem as a psychologist," said George.
"Now that I've heard the small gentleman speak," said the other woman customer. "I must say that I agree with my friend here that he's got something."
"He has," said Ella, "I've felt it myself."
"I'm sure I don't know," said Mrs. Smith.
"I don't hold with using those words in this present company," said the second workman. "Especially seeing as how it's mixed company."
"All right," said George, vagina penis..."
"Now, now please!" said Mrs. Smith. "Whatever you do, don't use that first word. That really is a terrible word."
"I suggest we put the matter to the vote," said Ella.
"Good idea," said the first clerk.
The women customers and the barman all nodded their approval.
"Very well, ladies and gentlemen," said George, "we shall now put the matter to the vote. It's a question of whether or not for purposes of serious discussion the expressions cunt, cock, fuck, toss-off, suck-off, shit should be used in the present company. Those who are for the use of these expressions, please raise their hands." The first clerk, the two women customers, Ella, the barman and George himself raised their hands.
"That makes six for," said George. "Now against." The two workmen who had spoken, the second clerk, and Mrs. Smith raised their hands. "Four against," said
George. He turned to the third workman. "And you?"
"I don't mind ode way or the other," said the third workman. "The beer's good there's a warm fire here, and I don't believe in arguing with nobody."
"So that settles the matter," said Ella. "The opposition can now retire to the public bar, and leave he ladies and gentlemen to talk dirt seriously."
After a short conference the two Workmen and the objecting clerk took themselves off. The barman carried over their unfinished drinks to the public bar counter. The remaining party, by mutual consent disposed themselves round the large plain table by the fire.
"A victory for honesty of expression," said George. "Ladies and gentlemen, to pass the time away pleasantly I suggest that each of us now tells the others about the most interesting sexual experience in bis or her life. Absolute frankness is essential. And for that reason, to help the more timid of you to discard your remaining inhibitions, I propose that I should be the first one to tell you about the most interesting sexual experience in my life.
This statement met with general approval, more drinks were ordered, and George was just about to begin, when the bar door opened and a smart elderly man accompanied by a very elegant female very much younger than himself walked in.
"Good evening Mrs. Smith," said the man.
"Good evening, major," said Mrs. Smith. She cast an appealing look, at the group round the table, as she served the two new arrivals with drinks.
George rapped the table. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said in a loud voice, let me remind you, before I begin, of the six expressions which have united us here: Cunt, Cock, Fuck, Toss-Off, Suck-Off, Shit."
Mrs. Smith groaned in consternation. The Major and the woman both turned round and both studied the group at the table attentively ""What do you think?" the Major asked his companion.
"I agree with you," said the woman.
To Mrs. Smith's horror, the major and the woman now went over to the table.
"Excuse me," said the Major, "I hope we're not butting in, but we couldn't hear certain words which were just spoken here."
"Well?" demanded Ella.
"Normally our trouble," said the Major, "is that we're always bored." We come here almost every night because we're bored. After a time in here we're even more bored, and we go somewhere else where we get even more bored. In fact we're always bored. But to-night, for the first time in my life, I have heard certain words joined together which intrigued me enormously and broke the spell of that boredom. May we join you?"
"Certainly," replied Ella. The two arrivals sat down, and George explained briefly what had transpired in the bar so far.
"Wonderful," said the Major, "Count us in. And now fire away."
George took a gulp of whiskey, a good swig of beer, and began his story.