Chapter 14
After Ella had finished her story, there was a long silence. The Major ordered another round, and Mick brought them to the table.
"Well, Mrs. Smith, and what about a story from you," said George.
"Get away with you," said Mrs. Smith, "I don't go in for any of them thanks, thanks."
"Mrs. Smith," said Ella to George, "definitely reacted when I mentioned the monkey's cocks. It occurs to me that this pub is only five minutes' walk from the zoo."
"Now then," said Mrs. Smith, "I heard that. And I Won't stand for any insinuations neither."
"Come on, Mrs. Smith," said George, "nobody minds the monkeys in the zoo. If the baboons didnt toss themselves off fox all to see, nobody would go to the zoo at all."
"I don't like the baboons," said Mrs. Smith, downing her drink. "It's the gorillas I like."
"Interesting," said Ella. "How do yon get them to get a hard on? It's not just the Bun you give them, is it?"
"You're terrible," said Mrs. Smith, "the way you puts your finger on everything. And in any case, can't a lonely old woman have her bit of fun too?"
"Very interesting," said the Major, "tell us just how you get the monkeys worked up, Mrs. Smith."
"Oh Major," said Mrs. Smith, "don't you be so silly. It's no doing of mine, is it, if the monkeys get their erections out, as the young lady would say, now is it?"
"I can always get a baboon to masturbate," said Ella "Auto-suggesti. But gorillas I find difficult. Besides, I'm not to keen on those thin little red cocks. I like cocks good and round."
"Rubbish," said Mrs. Smith, "there's nothing wrong with a gorilla's cock. It's your way of looking at it that counts."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," said Muriel.
Everybody laughed.
"Myself, said the young clerk," I like the lovely hairless cunts of the funny apes with the purple and green behinds."
"You would," said Mrs. Smith.
"Now look here," began the clerk.
"Shut your gob," snapped Mrs. Smith, you and you purple and green behinds."
"Cunts," corrected the clerk.
"Behinds," said Mrs. Smith indignantly. Cunts indeed. It was behinds you was talking about, young gentlemen."
"I mentioned their behinds in passing, as it were," said the clerk. "After all, it*s cunts I'm interested in, I hope."
"Oh, shut up," said Mrs. Smith.
"Now then, ladies and gents," said the old workman. "Seeing as how my prick's as dead as doornails, I think I might act like the umpire, like, or referee, if you know what I mean."
"All right, then," said Ella, "As the referee, which would you prefer: a purple or a green behind?"
"I don't go on behinds, like," said the workman. "I like-or rather I used to likeme cunts. And as for colour like, I don't know as how the purple ain't better than the green."
"A purple cunt?" said Elsie. "Whoever head of such a thing?" "Don't be silly, Elsie," said Anne.
"Nobody's talking about purple Cunts. It's only cocks which get purple, my dear."
"I resent that,** said George.
"So do I," said the Major.
"Now look here, all of you," said Mrs. Smith, "whether it's purple cunts or purple cocks, or baboons or gorillas, for God's sake let's strange the subject, can't we?"
"Fair enough," said the clerk. "Although nobody's ever accused me before of being interested in purple behinds."
"There are Very few purple cunts in London,'* said Ella. "Only the Germans have a proper colour sense.1?'
"For heaven's sake, everybody," said the Major's companion, "let's keep the party dirty. If you're all going to get intelligent and analytical, there won't be any dirt left.'
"Hear, hear," said the workman.
There were murmurs of assent all round.
"I agree with that," said Mrs. Smith, "let bygones be bygones."
Muriel had paid the barman. As he was going back to the bar, Ella stopped him, deftly ripped his fly buttons opened, and took ou this young and rather battered cock. Sympathetically she laid the limp member en the table. "Ladies and gentlemen," said
Ella, "I drink to the male cock, of which a specimen is on the table In front, of til." Mick's cock hardened, and rote slightly Off the table, Ella immediately pressed it down to the table with her hand, winked at George and the company, and, looking at anyone but Mick, began to work the cock up and down. Everybody liked the joke. Elsie and Anne leant over the table, till their faces were practically touching the cock.
"What a silly thing it is, really," said Elsie. "Just this movement up and down, followed by a bit of liquid. And that's all that history consists of, that's all that makes wars, that's all that there is at the bottom again, for die Lord's sake," said Mrs. Smith.
Mick's young cock on the table, under Ella's skilful rubbing, was reaching its climax. The company, drinking and smoking, watched the process with sophisticated interest. Mrs. Smith opened her mouth a few times to speak, but no words emerged. The spunk from Mick's cock shot out onto the table, stained some of the cardboard mats under the glasses, and a few bits of it landed in one of the ash-trays. The company smiled tolerantly.
"Fell better, Mick?" asked Muriel kindly, as Ella's hand squeezed out the last drops ot spunk onto the table.
"Yes, Madam," said Mick happily. He put the limp cock back in his troers, collected the money œor the drinks and went back to bar.
"Yes" said Ella reflectively, "and that's all our life on earth consists of really. Funny little slits in the flesh, and funny little tubes of flesh, getting swollen up, and subsiding again. That's all there is. And under all the accents, and all the important acts, and all the fuss and the splother, that's all there is."
"The young lady's right in a way," said the old workman. He unbuttoned his trousers, an revealed a very wizened, old, and rather pathetic member. Here you see, ladies and gents, that's caused me a lot of trouble in my lifetime. It's carried me through two world wars, and about a thousand small wars in my own home, and now here it is. It can't even stand up and say. How do you do?... You see what I mean?"
In a natural manner, everybody else now revealed his or her sexual parts. The men placed their cocks on the table. The women dipped their nipples in their drinks, while they pressed their pubic hairs against the table's edge.
"I don't know about all this," said Mrs. Smith, not very convincingly. At ¯the same time she too, began to unbutton her complicated undergarments.
"It's too much of a strain for us all," said Anne. "Who wants to be civilised?"
"Quite so," said Muriel." "None of, us was civilized birth. Civilization is a bad habit which we've all been forced to acquire."
"Basically," said George, "we are all quite nice animals. But our humen minds corrupt us."
While Mrs. Smith and Mick brough more drinks, the company linked cocks and cunts, and tossed each other off effortlessly. A customer came in, saw what was happening, passed his hand over his forehead, looked again, and then, with a terrified expression, dived off. Everybody laughed. The spunk rolled in a friendly fashion over the table, and the wet cunts of the women moistened the table's edges. The fire flickered in the grate. The clock struck eleven. The men replaced their limp wet cocks, the women drew up their drawers.
"It's nice to have friends," said Anne.
"It's nice to know everything about the people one meets. Cheers to you all."
The others lifted up their glasses, and returned the toast.
"Time, ladies and gentlemen, please!" said Mrs. Smith.