Chapter 15
April waited until she heard Bill's car start and pull away from the motel. She bit her hp, turned slowly to face the room.
She looked at the bed, rumpled and marked with the signs of love. She brooded achingly at the sight, then felt compelled at least to adjust sheet, blanket and pillows to hide the marks of spent turbulence.
She felt drained as she walked to the dresser mirror. She looked at herself as she would at a stranger, ran her fingers through her disarrayed hair. She loosened the robe and studied her breasts and suddenly she could feel Bill's hands and lips on them again. Her thighs and arms still felt full of him and a shiver of remembered passion chased through her.
Did she love him? Then why her faint sense of disgust? Was it caused by guilt only? The mirror seemed to accuse her silently-of what? She tightened the robe about her and faced the room again.
She imagined Bill at the Corners with the girl he had mentioned, whose reputation was even now being destroyed. She remembered other adolescents there, the wild thrill-hunting group from high school. She recalled Judson Gray's scathing words-had she joined the very activities he had condemned? And suddenly she remembered his turning to her in passion and her momentary surrender and angry fight against him.
In what great dudgeon she had fled from him! How she had castigated Judson Gray for what he had tried no to do to her. She suddenly laughed out loud without humor, an acid sound that ripped her own self-respect to shreds. Here she sat in a motel, waiting a decent time after her lover had gone. Lover was all Bill could ever be to her. She was no better than any of his pickups. A quick lay. And she was supposed to be his teacher.
She jumped up, unable to bear her thoughts. She showered and dressed, placed the unit key on the table and, at the door, turned to look around the room again. The bed accused her still and she could almost see Bill's young, muscular naked body on it again. She whipped around, snapped out the light and fled.
But the vision of him-and of herself-pursued her through the night.
At breakfast the next morning Peg said casually, "You look beat, honey. Have a bad night?"
April nodded. She had slept fitfully and now felt as though her brain and body had been beaten and drugged.
Peg poured coffee, glanced at her watch. "We've got an hour before we have to leave for the brain factory. Something bothering you?"
April answered in swift alarm, "Of course not. Why?"
"That I don't know-unless you care to tell the old woman."
April smiled wanly. "There's nothing to tell. I guess I've been working too hard."
"That could be. You came in late. I happened to be awake."
April did not look at Peg but she wondered if she should tell her. She needed a confidant and she needed advice. More than that, she needed to borrow strength. Last night she had known she had to break off with Bill. This morning her body told her she could not. Peg could help her. She nearly spoke but shame stopped her.
Peg said idly, "Lots of late evenings, honey."
"I've been-going out."
"That's for sure. Who's the romance-if you care to tell."
April shook her head and Peg chuckled. "Okay-and don't feel badly. I have a few secrets myself."
She stood up and hummed lightly as she cleared the breakfast table. In passing she dropped her hand lightly on April's shoulder. "Get this straight, honey. I'm not probing. But I do know something or someone's pushing you. If kind, old wise Peg Mason can offer a friendly ear and sympathetic heart, just let her know. Okay?"
She did not wait for an answer but smiled, squeezed April's shoulder.
After Peg had left for school April felt more miserable than ever.
Her own day at school was heavy. Final examinations were scheduled in two weeks. She had two or three laggards whom she wanted to spur on to passing grades.
But no work could allay her sense of guilt, could not wholly push Bill out of her mind. A mixture of emotions hit her full force when Bill strolled casually into the chemistry class. He dropped into his usual chair and gave no sign of remembering last night except for a swiftly suppressed burning glance in her direction.
She gave her lecture, illustrated it at the blackboard with diagrams and equations. But as she spoke and moved, she felt Bill's eyes caressing her and her body responding. Now that she knew she should stop the affair her physical and emotional complex seemed to demand him more than ever. She wondered as she spoke calmly of esthers, whether she could really be in love with Bill.
The class ended and the students filed out, all except Bill, who moved toward the lab door.
She stopped him with: "Bill, do you mind if we skip the special work today?"
He turned, glanced toward the open hallway door and the moving crowd in the corridor. "I thought I'd start the next experiment. But if you don't want me to-"
"Not today."
The corridor crowd thinned and a class bell rang. A straggler hurried by and all was silent. Bill came to her desk after closing the hall door.
He looked down at her. "Something's wrong."
"No, not really. I'm just tired and the regular work's heavy."
"Last night-something went wrong last night. Something I said."
She looked up. "No, Bill. You said nothing wrong."
He threw a glance at the closed door, suddenly bent and kissed her. April clung to the kiss even as she fought its effect on her. When she finally managed to break the kiss she sagged back in her chair.
Bill studied her. "You're getting tired of me."
"Oh, no! Never that."
He grinned in relief. "Then when will I meet you again?"
She forced a laugh. "I'll let you know-but open that door. And start the experiment tomorrow."
"As you say, teacher."
He bent to kiss her once more and then jauntily moved to the door and out into the corridor. He did not see the sudden pained look on her face.
April did not know exactly when she came to her decision. It had come to her some time after Bill had left her class. But suddenly the weight of uncertainty left her. Peg noticed the difference that evening but said nothing.
They corrected papers that night in the living room, passing the coffee pot back and forth between them. At last both had worked their way through the various assignments. They finished the last of the coffee over cigarettes. Soon afterward they went upstairs.
In nightgown and robe, April had a last minute surge of fear and uncertainty. She took a deep drag on her cigarette, crushed it out along with the new-born fears. Then she walked into Peg's room.
Peg looked up from her bed. She had been reading a novel. She dropped the book when she saw the firm set line of April's lips, patted the bed beside her and April sat down. Suddenly, for all her intentions, April didn't know where to begin or what to say. Peg waited and April thought, How nice she is, and understanding ... how really pretty, too....
Peg wore a sheer gown. Faint shadows marked her sculptured contours, clearly discernible through the thin material. Both her body and face spoke of experience and the gentle eyes promised no accusations.
April suddenly blurted, "Peg, I need that friendly ear and sympathetic heart."
"I could tell you did for some time, honey. What is it? A man? Judson Gray?"
April's smile looked twisted and hurt. "I wish it were Jud Gray. The truth will be hard to tell you."
"Try."
Suddenly April's story flooded out in tumbling words. Peg listened to the spate of facts, emotions, accusations, guilts and illicit joys. She listened to April's attempt to explain herself to herself, the tangle of motives and sensuous drives. At times, April spoke swiftly, almost precisely. Next her words came hard and tears of shame dimmed her eyes. Peg made no move, though her knowing eyes were consoling.
At last April burst into tears. Peg let her cry.
Long moments later Peg said, "Honey-honey, listen. You're whipping yourself for nothing."
"NothingI"
Peg gave a dry laugh. "You're not the first teacher to get messed up with a student right here in this school. Male or female. Teachers have and will go to bed with those teen-age studs and sexpots. I know."
April stared in wondering disbelief. Peg smiled. "Honey, I know how it is to want love and not get it. It's like starvation and when the right person comes along, fourteen or forty, it's like throwing a light switch. Nothing you did or he did, really. The current just flowed." She continued as April considered this new explanation: "You're young, April. You're beautiful and desirable. Men want you. I think something like a pass happened between you and Judson Gray."
April nodded and Peg smiled crookedly. "Bill Collins couldn't help himself, either. For that matter, Bill's on the make for anything feminine. I don't blame either him or Jud. I don't blame you, above all. You were made for love, honey, for all the cold science you've packed in your brain. I could see that the moment you walked into this house."
April smiled through the shimmer of tears. "Peg, what would I do without you? You've made me feel-if not exactly clean-at least normal."
Peg smiled at her. She took April's hand. She looked deep into April's eyes, at first with sympathy-and then, subtly, her expression changed. Her hand moved up April's bare arm, soothing and caressing. "You'll always make people want you just by looking at you. Love will inevitably come to you-"
She drew April to her and kissed her. April responded gratefully to the light touch of lips on her cheek, reached for Peg as one she could trust. Peg held her close, stroking her hair. Peg's breasts pressed against April's. Her hand moved from hair to bare shoulders and her voice formed soothing, caressing sounds rather than words.
April snuggled closer, unthinking, wanting a refuge from her tears and worries. Something in her feelings changed subtly as Peg touched the curve of her breast. The caress was gentle, arousing but not demanding or frightening. April tensed slightly and Peg's arm tightened gently about her.
Her voice sank into a deep crooning whisper. "Forget them all, honey. Just forget-put them behind you-both Bill and Jud. You'll find what you want."
"Will I?" April asked, her head on Peg's shoulder.
"Of course. Maybe where you least expect it." Peg's finger raised April's face to her own. "Anyone would love you, honey. You have only to choose."
She drew April's lips to her own in a full, lingering kiss. The shock of the contact tingled through April and, without volition, her body arched slightly to Peg's. Peg's caressing hand sent another tremor through her.
Realization clicked in April's brain. She was accepting Peg's kiss as she would one from a man. She reacted to Peg's caresses as she would to a man's. Her eyes flew wide open.
Peg broke the embrace and kiss. She stood up without haste, smiled down so warmly that April's surge of amazement and shock subsided.
"Get to sleep, honey. You'll feel better for telling me. But this affair with Bill had better end. Do it in your own way but as quickly as you can. Don't worry about loneliness or lack of love. Just come to Peg. Okay?"
April smiled uncertainly. "Okay."
Peg smiled and walked out of the room. "A drink is indicated after all this. Then off to bed and to sleep with you."