Chapter 19
About an hour later Peg called in a clear, unruffled voice that dinner was ready. April did not answer. Peg called again and April answered shakily that she was not hungry.
Silence. Then she heard Peg coming upstairs. Peg came into the room. April involuntarily drew back and Peg sighed.
"Honey, don't be afraid of me. You know how I am-if you don't want me you don't have to take me. I'll be hurt but I'll understand. Now-get something to eat. You need it."
She left the room and descended the stairs again. April started to get up, then realized she could not face Peg unconcernedly across a dinner table. The idea of food, upset as she was, revolted her. She dropped back on the bed and closed her eyes.
What could she do now? Peg had clearly revealed herself, confirming those suspicions April had first known when she came here. Bill Collins wanted her and demanded the serious commitment of a weekend with her. She had completely cut Judson Gray out of her life.
Why? He had asked for nothing she had not given Bill and he had been civilized enough about wanting to make amends for his original urgency.
Her thoughts chased around and around. Suddenly she could no longer stay still or, for that matter, remain in the house. She needed motion, cold night air to clear her brain and think of some way out of this tangle.
She jumped up and dressed, pulling on capri pants and a sweater top. She hurried down the stairs and clawed her heavy coat from the closet. She put it on, tied a scarf about her head and stepped to the door.
"Honey?"
April checked, turned. Peg had come from the kitchen. She looked at April with longing, pain and hurt.
"Be careful if you drive-that's all."
April forced a smile and hurried out. She wheeled her car out to the street and drove aimlessly. The few neon lights attracted her for a few blocks and then repelled. She hurried past them, throwing a regretful glance at the lighted display in Jud's store. Then the lights were behind her and, soon, the town itself.
She had driven with the window down to let the biting air clear her head. Now she felt the cold and closed the window. Warmth from the heater began to flow around her. The headlights carved a bright tunnel out of the night. She thought of Peg's prophecy.
She shook her head vehemently. "No."
The sound of her own voice startled her but it also served to settle her thoughts. She took a good square look at herself. True, she had responded to Peg's caresses but her reaction had been blindly physical. Her mind had not been swamped-it had cried out its rejection of Peg's kind of love.
This meant that she could not continue to live with Peg. She did not want to cope with Peg's waiting, with eyes that would light strangely. She did not want to stay in reach of Peg's inadvertent touch, her questing caress. For her to stay would be unfair to Peg-to both of them.
Suddenly, far ahead, April again saw a neon-the Corners. She almost turned around-but then she realized Nick Archos served sandwiches as well as drinks. Her stomach felt empty and weak. Her chin rose, firmed and she drove on. In the middle of the week, she doubted if many high-school lads would be there-certainly not Bill's old wild crowd.
She saw no cars in the parking lot as she drove up but glimpsed one in a carport beside one of the motel units. She entered the tavern, welcoming the heated air that flowed out to meet her as she opened the door. The jukebox sat in colored, lighted silence. April looked quickly around the long room. Except for a man and a woman in a rear booth, Nick Archos behind the bar and herself, the place was empty.
Nick came instantly when she had selected a booth. He reluctantly admitted he served sandwiches, cheered up at her order of a drink. He went to the bar, looked back at her, puzzled. He served her a drink without comment, took her order for food and disappeared into his kitchen.
April settled back in the booth and tried to concentrate on her problems. How long could she continue at Peg's? The semester would end next week, to be followed by a flurry of new registrations and new classes. Perhaps after that she could discreetly look around for other living quarters.
What about Bill Collins? She sighed and just then Nick returned with her sandwich. As she ate Nick studied her from the bar. He scratched his head, shrugged beefy shoulders and apparently dismissed her.
Suddenly the door burst open and half a dozen teenagers roared in. The girls took booths toward the front and one of the boys fed quarters into the jukebox. It came to beating, wailing fife. None of the youngsters had seen April, nor did she recognize any of these kids.
Nick galvanized to beaming life. He took orders, loudly repeating: "Coke-make it two, hah? Sure-strong on the flavor." He hurried back of the bar, ostensibly placed soft drink bottles in plain sight then emptied them into glasses out of sight.
April's lips tightened. She was sure Nick was lacing the cokes and soft drinks with something much stronger. She watched him serve and nodded when Nick, from the bar, questioningly indicated her glass.
She was in the mood for a drink. Seeing these youngsters had brought her evening here with Jud Gray into her thoughts. What should she do about him? Did she want to do anything? She considered both questions as the music beat about her. She sipped slowly from her newly filled glass.
She remembered Bill had once said Jud wanted her to stay on as teacher. Her lips twisted with the wry thought that Jud had no idea of what kind of teacher she was.
The door banged open again and more adolescents streamed in-four or five carloads. They seemed to flow into the booths, onto the high stools at the bar. April saw a girl she remembered, one she had seen with Bill. The girl threw back her coat, perched on a stool, paying no attention to the tight skirt that slid wed above her knees. Her sweater, pulled tight by a wide belt at her waist, added depth to her eye-filling bosom. A boy April did not know hovered about her. She treated him with contemptuous tolerance.
Suddenly April realized with a start that she would be recognized by many of these newcomers. Her presence at the Corners, a drink before her, could lead to unhappy speculation. These kids might even take her presence as approval of their rendezvous. How could they be blamed for coming here if a teacher patronized the place?
She shrugged into her coat and adjusted her scarf. Nick caught the movement, came to the booth and presented her check. His bulk hid the rest of the room from her but she heard the door open and a lift of voice, greeting newcomers.
She had her coat collar up over her lower face as Nick stepped away. She stood up and almost gasped when she saw Bill Collins. He had not seen her but had stopped before the girl at the bar. The girl swung around to the bar, giving Bill her back. He spoke to her, ignoring the angry frown of the boy she was with.
April recovered. She held her coat collar high as she moved down the aisle, beyond Bill. He gave his full attention to the girl at the bar.
She heard the girl say, "... champion two-timer."
"Knock it off, Clair. We're celebrating end of term. The night's for fun."
"It was until-"
April, well beyond them and near the door, did not hear the rest of the sentence. A boy glanced up from the jukebox selector as she passed but carelessly looked away again. She began to believe that she would get away unrecognized. She reached the door, swung it open and hurried out.
The parking area had filled. Her car was lost among the dozen or so others. She spotted it and hurried to it. The jukebox music came muffled now and she felt a deep sense of relief.
"April."
She broke stride, froze, slowly turned. Bill Collins came toward her. She threw a frightened glance at the closed tavern door, wheeled and sought the sanctuary of her car. She dropped on the seat behind the wheel, leaving the door open. A second later Bill peered in.
"Hi."
She forced a smile. "I didn't expect you, Bill. Get in." He closed the door after him, turned to her. "I saw you just as you went out."
"Who else saw me?"
"No one, I guess-that is, no one recognized you." He smiled. "I just saw your back but I'd know any part of you anywhere. I still couldn't quite believe it. What are you doing at the Corners?"
"I could ask you the same thing. I thought you'd given it up-but I see that gang of yours here in force."
"It's just that term is ended and-wed, we wanted to kick things around a little. What's your excuse?"
She explained her aimless driving and hunger, making no mention of Peg. She straightened, reached for the car key.
"Better get back to your friends, Bid."
"They can wait." He reached for her. She drew back. "But your girl friend-"
"Clair? We busted up."
"Over me?"
"Yeah, but she doesn't know it. She blames another chick, as I told you. I let her. Gave me more time for you."
His arm worked up over the back of the seat and now dropped around her shoulders. He pulled her to him and kissed her. She made herself rigid and elbowed her way out of his embrace. He fed back, face tight with anger.
"What is this!"
"Nothing, Bill. I wasn't thinking when I dropped in here tonight. I'm a teacher and the Corners has a bad reputation. Let's not make matters worse. We could be seen at any moment."
"You're right," he said contritely. "I'm a fool."
She indicated the car door. He nodded, opened it, started out but turned back with a wide grin.
"The weekend will make up for it. No sweat then. We'll be alone."
He pushed on out as she said, "Bill."
"What?"
"Forget the weekend."
"Hey, now-you can't do that, April."
"I can and I will."
He moved into the seat again. She threw a look toward the tavern.
"I can't argue here, Bill. Just forget the weekend-and everything else between us but the study."
He looked stubborn. "You'd better tell me why."
She looked desperately around the dark lot. The tavern door opened and she froze, but the boy and girl who had emerged turned toward the motel.
April said tightly, "Okay, Bill, you deserve to know why. Get your car and follow me."
"Your house?"
"No." She pushed the picture of Peg from her mind. "Just down the road a bit."
He thought it over and slowly pulled himself from the car. "Get rolling. I'll catch up with you."
A half-hour later the two dark cars sat one behind the other on a dark and bleak dirt side road. Bill slouched angrily, a cigarette hanging from petulant lips, eyes dark and hurt.
April brushed a strand of hair back from her face. "It has to be that way, Bill."
"But why can't we go on as before? I'm in love with you and-"
"Bill, please. You're not in love with me."
He jerked upright and twisted angrily to her. "Then what in hell do I feel?"
She took a deep breath. "I've tried to explain."
"Made no sense."
"Then I'll put it in simple, plain words. Bill, I'm going to speak to you as if you were an adult. You are in some ways." She took a moment to collect her thoughts as he glowered at her. "You don't love me any more than I love you. You're a young male on the prowl-for any outlet for sex. Before I came along, I don't know how many girls you'd had at the Corners and other places."
"None like you."
"Let me finish. I admit you had an impact on me-and you still have it. I gave in to it-just that and nothing more, Bid. I don't love you but I've needed you. I've been lonely-I was in a strange town. I'm still young enough to have the same urges you have. I gave in to them." She forced herself on, aware of his sitting too close beside her. "That's just as wrong as anything can be. Not that I became interested in you because of-sex. First I saw you wasting your life. I'd been told there was no help for you and your bunch, that all of you had deliberately chosen the wild way. You had no ambition and would never have any. I couldn't believe it of you-and ad I wanted to do at first was make you work, live up to your talents."
"So I was just a kid to you," he said bitterly. "Like the others."
"Sorry, Bill, that's the way I thought. And for all your abilities you're still not of age." He growled and slowly subsided. "I felt that you had brains and talent. I thought I could, perhaps, help you discover yourself. I don't think that was wrong. But-the other-became mixed up in it. So it ad became wrong. I wanted your body as much as you wanted mine." She sighed. "Say there was love-what then? I'm older than you. You haven't completed your education and you can't earn a decent living-not for years. What would that do to our love?"
He glared ahead through the windshield into the darkness of the night. He shifted uncomfortably against the brutal truth of her words, sought mitigation.
"I guess I could do as wed by you as by any of the others I've dated and gone with."
"Of course you could. They're high-school students, like you. They have homes and parents, like you. They have time to grow up with you. I don't. You belong with them-not me." She placed her hand on his arm. "Bill, I've wanted to help you prepare for the future, make yourself ready for some girl you'll meet some day. If you go to college, get an education, you'll be able to support that girl as you would want to. And you'll really love her, Bill. What we've had isn't love."
He shook his head. "I don't like it, April-our busting up."
"I don't, either. It hasn't been all ugly. We've had some wonderful moments. But we've stolen them, Bill, each of us, from someone well find later. Let's not do it any more."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Just forget me, except in class. Except-if you do have even a little bit of real love for me as you claim, you'll finish school, go on to college."
"How can I look at you day after day in school and not want you?"
"I didn't tell you to forget me-or even stop wanting me. I won't be able to forget you, either. But I do say we can work together, respect and love one another as friends." Again she touched his arm. "There are lots of beautiful girls at school. You won't be lonely."
He sat quite still for so long that April began to fear she had not reached him, that he would reject her arguments.
Suddenly he stirred, straightened, spoke in a defeated voice. "I guess the gang will wonder where I am." He shrugged, twisted away to open the door. "Bill."
"What?"
She moved to him and her lips brushed his. "See you later."
She sat alone and still. His car lights flashed on behind her as his motor roared to life. He wheeled around her and glided away, picking up speed as he raced toward the highway. She watched the twin red glow of the taillights until they winked out as he turned off the road and headed back toward the Corners.