Chapter 5
PEG
Case History: Peg N. ... Age: 43.
The subject is a nurse who is assigned to a large hospital in New Orleans. She has dark red hair and green eyes and possesses a splendid figure. This interview took place in her studio apartment where she lives alone.
"I was married once when I was twenty to a salesman who thought he was a phallus on wheels. Harry could charm the birds out of the trees so, naturally, he was a very successful salesman. He certainly sold himself to me fast enough.
"At the time I was sharing an apartment with two other girls and, like them, expected to get married shortly. We were all working in the same office and I hadn't as yet taken up nursing.
"My job wasn't a great one but it did pay the bills and that was all that counted. At twenty I was very pretty and popular and I didn't have to be concerned about finding a husband. My only concern was that I would find the right man.
"I didn't want to grab any guy and then find out it was all a mistake later on. My mother did that. She married a fellow who ran out on her two years later. I never knew my father and I didn't want this to happen to any child I might have. I loved children and couldn't bear to see them hurt.
"I met Harry at a party. He was twenty-five, single and very good looking. When he turned on the charm I just couldn't resist him. He was impulsive and this attracted me because I liked men who dared. Later I discovered that impulsiveness could be a fault.
"Harry tried to seduce me hours after we met. This didn't surprise me because I was used to having males of all ages trying to crawl into my panties. He kept pursuing me and I knew that I might give into him sooner or later.
"When he pawed my body one night in a lover's lane I pleaded with him to stop. 'I want to get married first,' I told him.
"I hadn't meant that I wanted to marry him, but Harry took my comment as such and announced, 'So, let's get married.'
"He was proposing. Harry was such a card I didn't know if he were serious or not. He never impressed me as being the marrying kind. Actually he wasn't but I was blind to his faults.
"'I know a Justice of the Peace,' Harry said. 'We can be there in fifteen minutes and
'"You want to get married now?' I cried in disbelief.
'"Why wait? You know we're made for one another.'
"While I had gone out with a number of boys I was still inexperienced sexually so I was vulnerable to any phony with a good line. Harry was a gold plated phony and had good lines to spare.
"He convinced me that he was madly in love with me so I let myself be driven to a Justice of the Peace. Eloping, to my romantic mind, was a perfect way to get married. It was all so impulsive and daring.
"The ceremony was over fast and Harry took me to the nearest motel. When he signed in as 'Mr. and Mrs.' he cracked a joke about this being the first time he told the truth to the desk clerk of a motel. That was Harry; he was always carrying on.
"For a newly minted groom Harry seemed awfully casual about his wedding night while I, virginal bride, trembled with the joy of the moment. His first words to me inside our very first bedroom were, 'I gotta take a piss.'
"Harry went into the bathroom, left the door open, and started urinating into the toilet bowl. This hardly made for a romantic sight or sound. When he returned he took off his clothes and urged me to do the same.
"He acted as if I were some pig he had picked up at a bar instead of his bride. I started to cry. My husband, realizing he had been more than a bit crude, turned on his salesman charm again and was all over me with comforting caresses and words.
"Note that I say he 'turned on' his charm. Basically Harry was anything but charming as it was only something he used to advance himself in some way or another. Right now he wanted to advance into my body and that's why he poured on the snake oil. I was still stupid enough to give in and helped him remove my clothes.
'"Why, you have a lovely body, dear!' he sighed when I sat on the edge of the bed naked.
"He cupped his hands over my firm, conical breasts and pulled me down against the mattress. Now he was all courtesy and consideration. He didn't thrust into me right away but spent at least an hour at foreplay, sucking, licking and touching me everywhere until I was more than ready to get my first fuck. If anything Harry certainly knew how to make a girl happy ... when he wanted to.
"Harry finally mounted me and edged his thick pole of flesh into my cleft. I was so anxious to become a woman that I moved up against him and took in a couple of inches on my own. My groom rammed the rest of his meat into my tight body and started to pump. At a rather advanced age of twenty I lost my virtue.
"My husband was able to make money in large sums almost casually. I think he was spoiled because things came to him too easily. I certainly had. Yes, it was true that Harry married me but the legal aspect of our relationship meant nothing to him.
"He was an utterly amoral man. Barely a month after our elopement Harry took me to a party filled with other young couples. I liked the people until the men started tossing their house keys into my hat. One by one the women took the keys out and it was only then did I realize Harry had taken me to a wife swapping club!
"I stormed out of the place, went home and bolted the door against my husband and any other husband who might think he had access to my body.
"Harry didn't show up until three days later. He acted as if he had just been down to the corner to buy a newspaper and didn't give me any explanation where he had been to.
"When I started to rage at him he turned on the old snake oil and he was screwing inside of a half an hour.
"Our marriage lasted for sixteen months which was even shorter than the one my mother had enjoyed ... if enjoyed is the word. I did have one advantage over my mother though. I never had a child. Sometimes I wish my mother never had any children either.
"My sixteen months with Harry had knocked what girlishness I had out of me and I returned to the world a much harder woman. All throughout the marriage Harry chased and caught other women without regard to race, creed or place of national origin.
"When it came to sex, Harry was most democratic. The break came when he actually took a girl home with him and expected me to share the same bed. For all I knew he wanted me to take pictures.
"Because I was not able to bear children I couldn't see any reason to remarry. If I wanted sex there were more than enough men to be found.
"Now that I had made up my mind to be a career girl I started shopping around for a career. Since there was always a need for nurses I went into training to be one.
"I had gone into nursing in the first place because it seemed a logical career for a woman who didn't plan to marry. After my first year on the job I discovered I had an affinity for the work. In nursing I felt useful and wanted.
"Lovers drifted in and out of my life but somehow I could never sustain a lasting relationship with any one of them. Harry had ruined me. He had made me so wary of the male beast that I didn't dare let my heart go again.
"Once I found myself getting close to a man I dropped him out of fear I might forget my pledge not to marry. All I wanted from men were their thrusting sex organs. I was, after all, a woman with womanly needs.
"As I grew older I found myself longing for a true love relationship but I simply could not let go and trust a man. When I entered my forties it didn't seem to matter much one way or the other because men became scarce.
"A man in his forties could find himself a girl in her twenties or any other age he desired while a woman past forty was denied this same freedom.
"I'm hardly an old lady now, of course, and men still find me attractive but I no longer find men all that attractive.
"I've had more than my share of lovers, and, certainly, all I want of marriage.
"I was forty-two when the true relationship I had always sought entered my life. For the very first time I was able to let go and commit myself to another human being. This may sound like a perfect ending to my quest for love but the person I'm talking about was a fourteen year old boy!
"Seth was one of my patients. He came into the hospital suffering from a liver disease and his condition was serious. The boy was very quiet and seemed to accept the fact that he might not live long. Seth never complained and was a favorite with the hospital workers.
"He had wavy, sandy colored hair and soft brown eyes. His skin was pale and flawless and there was an almost beautiful cast to his face. The boy's parents were a hard working couple who had enough to worry about with five younger children to take care of.
"They had lived with Seth's condition for so long that they appeared to be indifferent to him. The casual observer would rate them as heartless but I understood them.
"When parents spend years taking a child in and out of hospitals a certain degree of defeat sets in and they can no longer respond with compassion to his sufferings.
"Seth also understood this and that is why he never wondered why his mother and father didn't see him every visitor's day. He knew that his parents had other children to look after. If anything he felt guilty about taking their time when they did come.
"In my long years of nursing I've met many such boys but none touched me so much as Seth.
Perhaps I looked upon him as the child I've always wanted because I thought my first instincts towards him were maternal.
"I certainly didn't consider them sexual because I could not consider an affair between a forty-two year old woman and a fourteen year old boy as normal. Yet, in the long run, what is normal?
"The lad had a rare liver ailment which was usually fatal. Since Seth's parents could not afford his hospital bills they offered up their boy as a guinea pig for new medicines.
"This, again, may seem heartless but there was nothing else for the harried parents to do. The only choice they had was to take the lad home and watch him waste away. In a hospital, at least, he had a fighting chance.
"Seth was placed in a private room where doctors could examine him at any hour. His isolation made him all the more endearing to me. While he did have a television set and a radio he didn't seem to be much interested in them.
"After a lifetime of hospitals his spirit was all but crushed. The doctors asked me to see what I could do to cheer him up since I was assigned as his nurse. It was important to give a patient a will to live for it helped the cure.
"I've seen despairing, loveless patients who had minor ailments wither away and die simply because they saw no point in living.
"I went to the fourteen year old boy in hopes of injecting a will to live in his all too young body. Seth, however, seemed to be aware of my intentions. He was used to professional cheerfulness and wanted no part of it.
"I didn't want to come on as Miss Sunshine all the time but I knew that the lad needed companionship. Boys his age were dating for the first time but he had to he on a hospital bed passively as needles were stuck into him.
"When he realized that I really did like him the boy opened up. He talked about the things he would like to do in the future.
"I want to work outdoors," he told me. "I don't care what kind of job it is so long as I don't have a roof over my head all the time.'
"Seth had had enough of being forced to stay indoors and this was the way he reacted against his many hospitalizations. I told the lad that Oceanography was going to be the field of the future and his sad eyes lit up for the first time.
"I brought him in all kinds of books about life in and on the oceans and this formed the basis of our deep friendship.
"It was my duty to bathe the lad and he seemed shy about exposing his nakedness to me. He had a soft, pale body and young penis lay limp against his testicles. As I ran my hands over his flesh Seth began to react sexually.
'"It ... it's getting big,' the boy stammered and tried to cover his erecting tube of flesh.
'"Nothing to be ashamed of,' I assured him. 'It only proves how healthy you are.'
"I took his stiff cock in my hand and played with it. I knew, of course, that nurses shouldn't sexually tease patients, especially young males, but I felt that ours was a special relationship.
"If by arousing him sexually I could also arouse in him a will to live then I found nothing wrong in manipulating his penis.
"The fourteen year old lay back and gazed down at the contact I was making with his sex organ. As it grew harder and longer in my hand I found that I was becoming sexually excited myself.
"The lad, like all fellows his age, was very curious about sex. How had his curiosity ever been satisfied? I was sure that no one had ever been this close to him in his young life. Seriously ill or not the boy still had a need to give and receive love and this meant that he had a will to live.
"I played with the boy's penis until he climaxed. His sperm shot all the way to his shoulders. I kept masturbating him until I jerked out all his semen and his penis began to go soft.
'"Feel better now?' I asked tenderly showing him that sex was just another part of life and no sin.
"That felt nice,' he admitted. 'I never had anyone jerk me off before.'
"This got us talking about sex in general. When he spoke he kept gazing at me with new eyes. I was no longer a creature in a starched uniform but a human female.
"'I wonder if ... I wonder if I'll ever ... do it to a girl,' Seth said hesitantly as if testing my feelings about sex.
"It would've been so easy for me to cruelly repress him so that he would feel self-conscious and guilty about having normal needs. Instead I told him that any girl would be glad to have him.
"Seth reached up and clamped one of his hands on my breast. 'I always wanted to see what a woman looked like,' he told me softly.
"I glanced towards the door. I knew that a doctor was going to visit him in a few minutes. 'Some other time,' I promised and quickly cleaned up the results of his orgasm.
"My face was flushed when I left the boy's sick room. I had never been so intimate with a patient before and I hated myself for teasing such a young lad so. As a mature woman and nurse I should've been more intelligent in dealing with his sexual powers but, instead, I encouraged him to display his capabilities.
"I made up my mind not to tease the fourteen year old again like that. After the doctor examined him he told me that Seth had shown a sudden improvement. 'It must be your care, Peg,' he said.
"A sudden improvement.. . love was the best medicine in the world; the only true wonder drug. Perhaps I was only reacting to my middle class background when I flogged myself with guilt about touching the boy sexually. If sex would make the boy well I was more than willing to give him all he needed.
"The next day when I visited the lad his brown eyes were bright and he smiled. There was even some color in his cheeks, as if he had been given an injection of some drug.
'"I dreamt about you last night,' he said.
"I went over to the bed and held his hand. 'What was I doing?' I wanted to know.
"He smiled even more and a blush made his cheeks redder. 'You'd be mad if I told you,' he answered.
"When I urged the lad to tell me about his dream he said that we were together on a deserted island walking hand in hand in the moonlight as naked as the day we were born.
"I thought the dream was a very sweet one and I kissed him lightly on the lips. Seth responded by embracing me tightly and pressing his lips against mine. I didn't push him away and embraced him back as if he were a grown and healthy lover.
"Somehow I was sure that his cheeks would go pale again if I hadn't. 'Stay with me,' the lad whispered.
'"I have other patients, darling,' I answered. "I'll be back."
"When I went about my duties I made stupid mistakes because my mind was back in the room with the teenaged boy. I knew that Seth had fallen in love with me and I thought that this was not unusual since he was so ready to love anyone who showed him kindness.
"What was unusual, however, was the fact that I had fallen in Jove with him! I thought of all the lovers I had and, when I compared them to that pretty fourteen year old child, I realized that I had never been close to any of them.
"I had had a great number of intimacies but had never been emotionally intimate. The last time I had ever committed myself to another human being was way back when I married Harry.
"The bastard had been indifferent to this commitment and that was why I had steeled myself against making the same mistake again. But Seth, a young boy, had gotten through all my rigid defenses as no man had ever done. He had touched my heart.
"I looked forward to seeing him again that evening as one lover looks forward to seeing another. When I entered the room the lad gave me a beautiful smile. He lifted his arms and I rushed into them.
"We kissed like the lovers we were. Since no one was due in the boy's room until midnight I knew I had hours to be with him alone. I slipped my hand under the bedcovers and clutched at his sex. He had a full and throbbing erection.
"'Darling,' the boy whispered, 'let me see you.'
"He meant he wanted to see my naked body. I stood up and started to remove my uniform. When I got down to my bra and panties the boy threw the covers back and pulled off his pajamas. His erect penis throbbed full of life and love.
"I removed my bra. The lad's brown eyes shone as he stared at my conical breasts and their bright, stiff nipples. I pulled my panties down and he swallowed hard as he leered at my vagina.
"'Hair?' he gasped. 'I didn't know that women had hair between their legs.'
"'Every adult has, sweetheart,' I told him. 'It is called pubic hair.'
"His innocence was a wonder to see. I was so used to cynical, hard boiled types who had seen everything and hadn't liked anything they saw that the fourteen year old lad's interest in me was like a refreshing breeze.
"I walked over to his bed and, as soon as he could reach me, his questing hands explored my body. He slipped a finger into my vagina and weighed my breasts with his hands. Then I climbed into bed next to him.
'"Show me how,' he begged softly. 'Please ... please...'
'"It is all so simple,' I told him. There is nothing at all complicated about making love even though so many books have been written about the subject. You just do what comes naturally.'
"I clamped the naked youngster to my body and rolled over so that he was on top of me. I guided his stiff penis into my vagina and our sex organs meshed. Once the boy sank all the way into me I placed my hands on his hips and urged him to rise.
"Just when the tip of his cock was about to leave my body I pushed him back down into me again.
"'Move like that, my dear,' I told him. 'Keep moving until you come.'
"Seth moved awkwardly at first but quickly got into the sexual swing of things. Soon he was ramming me like any of the lovers I've had. His male part was boyishly small but I felt that it was the best penis ever taken in by my vagina.
"Seth seemed to be so light and tiny when compared to some of the hairy apes who've used my body but he was still my best lover to date. Harry, with all his smooth, slick, phony professionalism was nothing compared to this lovely young boy who was screwing for the first time.
'"It.. . it's happening!' he gasped and then shot his load.
"I clamped him hard against my body and held him there as his sperm poured like lava. Sweat moistened our bodies and we breathed loud and hard. I could hear our hearts beat as one. His heart. Life was making that organ beat and love was the fuel behind it.
"The doctors who examined Seth the next morning were amazed by the boy's improvement. He still had a rare liver disease but the rest of his body seemed to be ignoring this unpleasant fact.
"Everyone claimed that the new drugs were working on the lad but I was sure that the oldest medicine in the world was making him better ... love.
'"I can't understand it,' one of the doctors said to me later. 'According to all the tests the boy should be dying but he appears healthier than he has been in years.'
"'Dying?' I asked.
'"Yes, don't you know? Seth doesn't have more than six months to live ... according to the tests. He's shown a great deal of improvement especially in his mental outlook but his liver is drying up like a prune.'
"I all but staggered away. I knew that the boy had a disease that was usually fatal but I had always held out hope that he would become one of the lucky ones. Dying. Seth. Fourteen.
"While it was true that love had improved Seth it was mainly in his mental outlook as the doctor had determined. This didn't stop me from continuing my sexual affair with the young patient. I wanted to will him to recovery. I wanted to give him my strength just as I gave him my body.
"But, little by little, day by day, the boy withered. I was there to the end. He reached out and clamped his hand on mine and smiled. 'I'll never forget you,' he said.
"The smile faded and his eyes closed. I kept holding his hand as the doctor examined him and pronounced him dead. Seth had lived two more months past the time the doctors had given him and I told myself I had been the one to give him these extra days and nights. I had made his final months on earth happy.
"I know that there will be people who will hate me for what I did if they ever found out but I don't care. I am proud of the fact that I had given a sweet, beautiful, lonely boy the only love of his very short life."
Reaction:
The nurse is aware that she had made the boy's life happy in his remaining months through sex but she still feels guilty about engaging in pedophilia with her young patient. If she had not given the boy any love he would've died sooner and he would have left this world without ever once enjoying a deep relationship with another human being.
Peg, too, benefited from the affair because it was also her only profound sexual inter-change.
Smiley Blanton, in his book, LOVE OR PERISH, tells of a case where orphaned babies became listless and died simply because no one ever picked them up and fondled them. Love, as the nurse had put it, is really the best medicine.
Today many orphanages have volunteers come in just to hold babies to prevent them from dying early. Older children in hospitals and orphanages also require some degree of affection as much as they need food and housing if they are to have any chance of survival.
This attention, of course, doesn't mean sexual experiences as detailed in Peg's confession, but growing boys and girls must have warm relationships just as growing plants must have the sun.
Adults need warm relationships, too, and this is what Peg knows is missing from her life. The dying boy proved to her that she cannot go on living without close attachments.
The nurse has finally gotten over her bitter marriage to the lecherous salesman and she is now able to commit herself once more to another man. Her pedophilic affair with the fourteen year old boy did not herald the beginning of a career in lad loving, but it did release her pent up emotions so that she can seek out the warmth and affection she needs.
Although Seth died he left this legacy behind him. His short span of time on Earth had not been in vain for he taught another human being to love again.