Chapter 1
The Eager Virgin
After her divorce proceedings, Millicent C. was awarded custody of her four-year-old son. In spite of retaining possession of her young son, Millicent was not happy. Eight months after the divorce, she sought psychiatric aid to find out why she had been unable to achieve fulfillment in her marriage.
It soon became evident that Millicent-or Millie, as she preferred to be called-had been unhappy in marriage because of sexual incompatibility with her husband. The five years of her marriage had grown progressively worse until there appeared no other course but to end the relationship completely.
"I don't think I was any more demanding of my husband than any other woman of my age-sexually, I mean. And, after all, sex was my real problem. I mean our problem," she added.
At 24, Millie was an especially attractive young woman. Her youthful appearance made it seem unlikely that she could have looked much different when she had been married at the age of 19. Millie had naturally blond hair which she wore quite long, and her figure was extremely well-proportioned.
"It wasn't that I didn't get enough ... enough sex. I did. But it just seemed that it didn't mean what it used to. There wasn't the kind of ... of feeling I needed."
Millie became rather nervous when she was told she would have to supply more information about her earlier sex life, but she was eventually able to cooperate by providing the full details. After learning of her premarital sex experiences, one period of her life emerged as an exceptionally relevant time. When Millie had been a junior in high school she had been emotionally involved with a young man who was a football star at a local college.
"Tim was a sophomore in college when I met him-he was 20 and I was just 16. Maybe it was having an older guy interested in me that made me get so involved as quickly as I did. But I'm getting ahead of myself. See, I'd heard a lot about Tim before I ever even saw him.
"I was always pretty good in school, and I had one advanced math class that had mostly seniors in it. A couple of girls, Pam and Cindy, were two of the most popular senior girls in school. They were always talking about their boyfriends in class, and I sat right next to them. When I heard them mention Tim, I couldn't believe my ears. He was being written up in all the papers as one of the best football players in the state because he made the first team while he was still only a sophomore.
"I'd seen his picture in the paper. He seemed almost like a god to me. He had real black, curly hair and he usually had a grin on his face that really made him look devilish ... I found out more about that grin before long. It turned out that the reason Pam and Cindy were always talking about Tim was because Cindy was his cousin. And Pam was always badgering Cindy to introduce her to him.
"Cindy would always say, 'Are you kidding? Why would Tim want to meet you when he has his pick of all those sexy college girls?' And Pam, who had quite a reputation around our school, would always answer, 'Those college girls don't know so much. If you'll just fix me up with Tim, I'll do anything for him they can do. And you can tell him I said so if you want to, Cindy!' Finally Cindy arranged for Pam to go out with Tim. I began to think about him a lot myself. I'd been dating guys my age for a couple of years, but I'd never let any of them go all the way. The most I'd ever done was let a boy named Roger play with my breasts. When he wanted to ... to put his mouth there I wouldn't let him. And I'd never let any boy even touch me between my legs for a second.
"Well, to make a long story short, Pam was absent from class the day she was supposed to have an evening movie date with Tim. Cindy said she had come in at three in the morning with liquor on her breath and her parents were punishing her by not letting her go out for a whole month. Pam had gotten mad and dashed away in her parents' car and run into the curb. It didn't hurt the car much, but it had broken Pam's ankle. So she was home in bed and couldn't possibly go out with Tim.
"Cindy was pretty blue because she'd really worked to get Pam the date and she knew Tim would be plenty sore if he was stood up-no matter what the reason. I knew this was my big chance. I asked Cindy to let me substitute for Pam. At first she just laughed. But then I reminded her that Tim had never seen Pam ... that he'd never know the difference. I was wearing a pretty revealing sweater to school that day, so Cindy could see that I was built as good as any senior. I almost had her convinced it could work, but then she remembered how much she'd told Tim about Pam. In order to get Tim to go out with her, Cindy had more or less guaranteed him that Pam would ... well, that she'd match the college girls and then some!
"I told Cindy not to worry, that I wouldn't disappoint Tim. I was kind of scared to commit myself so much, but I was dying to go out with Tim. Finally Cindy said, 'Well, okay, but don't say I didn't warn you.' Then she leaned closer to me so that the teacher wouldn't hear us talking and asked, 'Have you done it before with a boy, Millie? I mean, with all your clothes off and everything? Tim's going to want action, you know. There can't be any little girl stuff with him.' I started turning red, but then I caught myself and I whispered so loud the teacher almost heard me, 'I've done as much as you have, Cindy. Just because I'm a sophomore doesn't mean I'm that dumb!' I was lying through my teeth, but it convinced Cindy. She told me to be ready at eight that night."
At this point in Millie's story, she became noticeably flushed. She was getting to the more intimate portion of her story, and she was somewhat reticent to discuss this part of herself even with a psychologist. She was assured that in order for him to help her, she should tell him exactly what she did with Tim, how she felt about it, and that she should use her own words and not worry about "dressing it up." Intent on finding what had gone wrong with her marriage, Millie agreed to go on with her story....
"I started getting ready for that date almost as soon as I got home from school. Of course I always showered every morning and night, but this time I went all out. I took an hour-long bath in the tub. I made the water real hot, and just lay there soaking in it till I was pink. I remember looking down and noticing that my nipples were red as beets. Lying there imagining what it would be like with Tim made me feel so excited that I kind of went into a day dream and before I knew it I was beginning to touch myself-"
Again Millie became extremely flustered in the presence of the interviewing psychologist, but when enjoined to continue, she went on. "I was kind of rubbing myself between the legs, but my mother rattled the door knob and told me to hurry up, that I was taking too long in the bathroom, so I jumped out of the tub and dried myself off.
"When I went to my room to dress for my date I took my time and made sure Tim would like what he saw. I don't know what came over me. I'd never even let a boy get near my ... my sex organs. And yet here I was about to practically throw myself onto someone! Before I started putting my underclothes on, I stood and looked at myself in the mirror of my dresser. When I stretched my arms up, it made my breasts stick out even more. My fanny was hard and round, and right between my legs was something that I had a good idea was going to interest Tim quite a bit. My pubic hair was as blond as the hair on my head, so I knew that if Tim came on with the old joke about whether I was a 'real blond' or not, I had a good answer for him.
"As I slipped my panties on I made sure that my legs was real smooth by rubbing some of my mother's body powder on them. I also rubbed it all over my stomach and my breasts, so that I was as smooth as a baby. Then I put perfume on-I worked it into my skin all around down between my legs. I almost embarrassed myself as I did that, because for a few seconds I had the mental picture of Tim's face being right down there where I was rubbing the perfume. I had sneaked out and bought a pair of panties that my mother would have killed me for wearing if she'd known I had them. They were real wispy, bikini-type panties. Then I put my brassiere on. It was the 'net' kind. The kind that really lets a girl show herself off if she has anything to show.
"I started to wear panty hose, then changed my mind, and decided to wear flats and to go bare-legged. I'd been getting a lot of sun all summer and I had a terrific tan. I slipped on my skirt and blouse-a white one with four buttons down the front. It was five minutes to eight. When I heard a car horn out front, I didn't wait a minute. I dashed right out the door. I knew my parents would be mad that I hadn't waited for my date to come inside, but I didn't care. As I went down the front walk I even unbuttoned the top button of my blouse, in order to let a little cleavage show.
"I guess Tim saw me do it, because as soon as he opened the door for me he said 'you a little hot tonight, Pam?' I had to remember to answer to Pam's name. I said, 'You might say I'm a little warm,' and just let him think whatever he wanted to.
"He was even better-looking than his picture. As we flashed down the street in his convertible, I was determined that I'd be just as sophisticated as any college girl. Right away I said, 'We are going to a drive-in movie, aren't we, Tim?'
"Tim looked over with a big grin. 'Sure we are, baby,' he said. Then I looked him right in the eye and said, 'That's good, because I'm always a lot more comfortable at drive-ins.' I couldn't believe I was being so forward. But when I saw Tim's eyes on my legs I knew he was really getting turned on. And that's what I wanted.
"Suddenly Tim turned off the main road and said, 'Look, kitten, I know a place that's much more comfortable than the drive-in. We're going to my uncle's hunting cabin. That is, if you're as hot as my cousin Cindy says you are.' I was a little scared, but I didn't show it. I said, "That sounds groovy to me,' and let my skirt higher up my legs. Tim gawked at my thighs and almost went off the road.
"'Listen, darling,' he told me, 'I want to see if you can find anything to amuse yourself with while I'm driving.' He grabbed me and pulled me over closer to him. When his hand touched my shoulder it made chills run down my back.
"I told him that if he meant something for me to 'play with,' I believed I could find something. My heart was beating a hundred times a minute as I reached right into his lap and started to unzip his zipper. Before I pulled it, though, I felt something move inside his pants like a little animal. I think my voice shook as I said it, but I hoped he'd think it was because of hot pants instead of inexperience. I said to him, 'You're a little hot tonight yourself, aren't you, Tim?'
"He turned to me with that grin and said, 'Wait 'til we get to the cabin and you'll find out how hot I and' Then I did it. I jerked his zipper down and went right for his penis. For the first time in my life, I was playing with a boy's penis. And I liked it! It made me so hot between the legs that I wanted him to touch me there, but I knew that was ridiculous while he was driving. Just then we turned onto the cabin driveway. Tim barely waited for the car to stop before he turned and grabbed me tight around the waist. One of his hands went around my buttocks and the other grabbed my neck, kind of hard. I could feel my breasts tight up against his hard chest and I thought for sure that he could feel my heart beat. As he slipped his tongue between my teeth I thought I would explode. I started moving my hand faster and faster up and down the shaft of his penis.
"Then he stopped me. He said, 'Not so fast, little one. Do you want me to shoot off right here in the car?' I turned red, because I still wasn't used to words like that. Tim didn't see me, though. He was too busy yanking me out of the car and into the cabin. As we went into the cabin, I suddenly had a terrible thought. Tim would know I was a virgin. I knew I was bound to bleed, since it was my first time. And then he'd know I hadn't been around as much as I had been pretending. I decided to put my virginity to my own advantage by telling him a whopper. As soon as we were inside the cabin I asked Tim if it would give him a swelled head if he knew he was about to be my first lover.
"Then I quickly added that I'd planed it that way on purpose. I told him that it was my birthday, and that I'd just turned eighteen. I had to think fast to remember I was supposed to be Pam, not myself. I told him I'd done everything there was to do except having my pussy-and I used that word, to impress him-penetrated by a boy's cock. I told him I'd always promised myself that I'd wait until I was eighteen before I let a guy go all the way. And that I was ready.
"I don't know if he believed me or not. I guess it really didn't make much difference to him. Anyway, he ripped his shirt off and I stood beside the bed with one leg resting on the edge.
"Tim was looking right at me, just taking it all in. I looked him right in the eye as I raised my skirt above one thigh. I said, 'Tim, you know what I was playing with back there in the car? Well, I want you to slip that thing right here underneath my panties.' I was well-pleased with my act, because this caused Tim to take a deep breath. 'You're going to have it there, baby. But I want it to go somewhere else first. Come over here.'
"I got off the bed and went to where he was standing. He told me to remove his penis from his pants. When I did, it was all red and throbbing. 'Did you like playing with that rod while we were in the car?' he asked. I answered him by standing up on my tip toes and kissing him on the mouth while I manipulated his penis with my hand. Suddenly he shouted, 'Down on your knees!' I was scared and fascinated at the same time. It was a strange feeling. On one hand, I felt Tim was being harsh with me-that he was demeaning me, making me do something I didn't want to. On the other hand, I felt that I was entirely in his power, that I needed to be forced to do anything and everything he demanded of me. I know I never felt like that again in my life."
At this point in the interview, the psychologist jotted down several quick notes on a pad and asked her to continue. It was noted that Millie seemed to be very sexually aroused as she continued to relate her story. She shifted uneasily in her seat and perspiration could be seen on her upper lip.
"I did what he wanted," she went on, her voice rising. "I had to. I got down on my knees in front of him. He was looking down the front of my dress as he spoke. I knew that from where he was standing he could almost see my nipples, and knowing this was somehow very exciting to me-physically, I mean. Then Tim looked down at me and spoke very softly to me. He said, 'Pam, I want you to take my cock into your mouth and I want you to suck it for all you're worth. But before you do that, I want you to slip off your blouse. Because while you're sucking my cock, I want to see those titties of yours bounce around down there.' Suddenly he slipped his hand down my blouse and touched one of my nipples. He squeezed it hard between his fingers, but it didn't hurt me-it just made me get even hotter between the legs. 'Titties like these shouldn't have anything over them while a girl is sucking a guy off. You ought to know that.'
"I jerked my blouse off so fast that I snapped one of the buttons off. Then I put my hand behind my back and undid the hook on my bra. When my breasts were freed Tim's eyes got big and he shouted, 'Suck, baby, suck!' I took the head of his penis into my mouth and sucked on it as hard as I could. While I had my mouth on him, Tim was playing with my nipples with both hands. Then he stopped me. He commanded me to go and get on the bed.
"By then I only had on my skirt, shoes and panties. Tim told me to throw my shoes into the corner. Then he quickly took off all of his clothes. When I saw him naked I knew why he was such a good football player. He was perfectly proportioned, and the hard lines of his body made me want him touching me again. 'You may as well take your skirt off, too,' he told me. I slipped it down over my feet and lay on the bed with nothing on but my bikini panties.
"Tim said 'Let me see what you have for me, now.' He pointed to my panties, and then asked, "What's underneath those black panties?' When started to pull them off and show him-I was so hot then that I would have done anything he said-he shouted, 'Wait a minute! I want you to tell me what it is you've got for me under there!' I knew then that he wanted to hear me say the words, so I shouted right back to him, and I said, 'My pussy-that's what I've got for you under my panties! My pussy!'
"By now Tim was really getting hot and I knew that I wasn't going to be a virgin much longer. I didn't care how much it hurt-I just wanted to have that penis I'd been sucking between my legs instead of in my mouth. From then on it was kind of a dream. I remember feeling him suck my nipples and playing between my legs with his fingers. I felt myself getting all wet there, and I had a new feeling down there, too. I felt something hot and heavy slowly caressing my upper thighs. I was beginning to really fly. I felt a rhythm inside myself that I hadn't even known existed before. After a while I needed him inside me so badly that I begged him for it.
"For a few minutes Tim would only tease me with it. I thought my ears were going to pop and that something was about to explode. Tim asked me, 'What is it you want? What do you need from me?' I could hardly stand it. I said, 'You know what I want,' but Tim shouted, 'You've got to tell me, baby. What is it?' By this time I was really needing it bad, even if I was a virgin, so I yelled out as loud as I could, 'I want your cock, your cock! I want your cock in my pussy and I want you to fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!'
"Then I almost blacked out, I guess, because I just remember a little pain together with an unbelievably good feeling all over my entire body, but especially between my legs. And mixed up with it all was a hard, solid pumping action that Tim kept doing to me right up until I heard him yell and felt something hot spurt between my legs. Then his whole body shook like he was having a spasm and he lay down on me and was still.
"The funny thing is that I never again saw him after he took me home that night, because he transferred to a distant college to take advantage of a scholorship there. I dated a few guys after him until I graduated from high school, then a year later I met my husband. Or, my ex-husband, that is," Millie corrected herself.
PSYCHIATRIST'S SUMMARY
Since Millie's first lover had been especially demanding, she had acquired an emotional need to be handled strongly and to be commanded and coerced during sexual intercourse. Whether such an introduction to sex would invariably result in a similar desire on the part of the participant is a moot point. The fact is that Millie, because of her particular emotional make-up, had been affected in that manner.
She was advised that there was nothing morally wrong with this somewhat masochistic behavior, and that she should simply accept her feelings and seek a marriage partner who would treat her accordingly. Once Millie's problem had been presented to her in this fashion, she was able to see herself in a new perspective. She remarked to me that she could readily accept my interpretation of her case, because she believed that her ex-husband, while willing to engage in sex as often as she wished, had not responded to her with the strength and dominance that her first lover had made her need.
My files indicate that Millie met and married a man with whom she was completely compatible about one year after consulting me. In her case, then, one might say that her first sex experience presented her with certain emotional problems later in life, but that with proper treatment these problems proved less than insurmountable.