Chapter 1
Punishment"Somebody once said that conscience makes cowards of us all, but it wasn't that way with me. The conscience came afterward. Because I didn't have a conscience, I became a coward and because I was a coward, I'll have to live with my conscience the rest of my life.
"I hope it's short, too, because what I have to live with tears my thoughts apart every minute of the day and when I do sleep it's only in fits.
"Maybe I could have done at least something. Any little move would have been better than nothing. Now of course, it's too late. Maybe, just maybe, by telling the whole story -of the rotten, and yes, some of the beautiful parts - I can get some of it off my chest and drive away the agony I live with every moment of my life.
"The whole thing seems like it happened centuries ago and then, like some sort of a silent explosion, happens again every day right now. I was tending bar in - I won't name the place because that's the best way I know of getting wasted - it was in Chicago. I'd been there for about a year. You know, doing my job and not knowing much of anything. That's the smart way.
"I learned a long time ago in New York to keep the old eyes open and the lip shut. You survive that way and in the final checkout it's number one who counts. Anyway, it was a first class club, bar and restaurant, good address, polite clientele. . . and for anyone who just happened to have a drink there or stay for a meal, it was probably just like a hundred thousand other bar-restaurants in any big city in any country in the world.
"I'm not sure yet who the owner was and I don't want to know. My boss was the manager. It's not his real name, but I'll call him Morie.
"Morie was a short sort of fat little guy who looked like he loved people and jokes and having a good time. He had a real gift of gab and a way of making anyone feel easy around him. But like I said, I'd been around for a long time and I could tell when I first met him that Morie was the kind of smiling guy you just don't ever cross - more than once.
"He'd been a bantamweight boxer at one time and I could tell right when I met him that, behind all the friendliness and smiles, Morie had a cast iron soul.
"At first, I took the job for what it was - or rather for what it seemed to be. I started out on the day shift, opened up the bar at ten in the mornings, cut the lemons and got the mix ready, you know, the whole set up business. Then I operated service bar for the luncheon trade and maybe caught a few live ones after the offices began to close. But the shift changed at five o'clock, and for the first year my tips were next to nothing.
"Like I said, it seemed like an ordinary job. I didn't have nothing better to do and, what with no family, the money was alright. I still didn't see anything off with the whole thing. The customers were well-heeled and if there were a lot more men than women, well, men drink more, that's all.
It was after that first year when the old bartender quit that I began to get an idea of what was really going on. Again, it's not his name, but I'll call him Burt. Burt was a fairly old guy. He'd been around for a lot of years, had seen about every part of life a guy could, and was taking it all philosophically and in stride.
"In the year we knew one another, we'd maybe talk for five minutes or so when the shift changed - you know, while checking out the well or clearing the register - but I got to know a little about him anyway. It seems he'd been on the bottle pretty heavily himself at one time, and because of it got into bartending. He hadn't had a belt for almost twenty years when I knew him, but he was the cynic to end all cynics. Somehow he got away with it because no one took him seriously. But I prefer to smile to a customer who calls me an S. O. B. Hell, maybe he'll buy another drink and tip big when he changes his mind.
"Not Burt. He knew how to throw words around and if anyone got out of line, he'd tell the guy off very soft and slow and there wouldn't be a customer any more. I guess Morie liked it, and none of the customers minded. Least they didn't seem to. And I got to really like the old guy.
"In those short little five o'clock exchanges over the year, Burt began to share a thought or two with me. Like how he drank himself out of a good teaching job and then hit the skids. How he liked tending bar because he could be on one side looking out at all the dumb drunks on the other, and a little bit of his philosophy, like 'Only your friends rape you. Remember that. You don't let your enemies close enough to open their flies. ' So by the end of the first year we were pretty close, all things considered, even though we never met outside of work. Maybe Burt stayed to himself a lot, I don't know. But I do know that for some reason, he trusted me.
"About a week before he left, he told me he had a daughter. She was married and living someplace in California.
"Then the next night he was clearing the tape on the register when he sort of brushed his hand against mine and I found I was holding a crumpled bit of paper.
"Don't look at that now,' he said.
"And then while we were double-counting the cash received he'd sort of slip in a word or two here and there like:
"That's one hundred and four, one hundred and five. . . my daughter's address. And then in change we've got fifteen-fifty in quarters. . . keep it. . . and let's see, ten-twenty in dimes. . . write her in a week. . . and two-fifteen in nickels. . . if you don't hear. . . the pennies are okay, you count them yourself. '
"Well, I put the paper in my pocket and left it in my apartment and then a couple of nights later the same sort of thing happened. We were clearing the register again and without turning to me he said, 'My last night, don't forget to write. '
"That's the whole thing. I never saw him again.
"The next day Morie came over all smiles and happiness as usual and told me Burt had quit. He asked if I could work through the whole night shift and then told me he was bumping me to nights. He'd get another man for the days. Then right after lunch before the offices began to break out, Morie called me to the end of the bar and I noticed his smiles were all gone.
"You'll be making a lot more salary at nights,' he began, 'and you know the tips are better. The thing is, we need the right man. Tell you the truth, I'm not too worried about old Burt walking out like that. He was too much of a goodie-goodie. Know what I mean?'
"I didn't really, but I nodded anyway.
"You're going to learn a lot more about life on the night shift,' Morie told me. 'And you know I've always believed that a good man is a very dumb guy. You know what I mean?"
"Now I knew what he was talking about.
"I hardly know you,' I said.
"Believe me, you don't know me at all. ' This time there was no smile on his round face at all.
"Well I got the message loud and clear. Something was going on, and believe me, I didn't want to know, and then a week later when I read in the papers about Burt, I began to know even less. The old guy had been shot, not once or twice, but six times right in the back of the head. The Chicago press is something else; they called it a 'gangland killing reminiscent of the Capone days. ' All I know was that they said old Burt had been found down by the lake, his body was covered with cigarette burns, a lot of them on his testicles. His eyes had been burned out and his tongue cut off. He'd been shot in the back of the head six times.
"I didn't want to know anything. I didn't even want to write that letter to his daughter, but somehow I did, then I tore up the little slip of paper Burt had given me and forgot the whole thing. I never signed my name to it - just told her, her old man was dead and the police would know about it, and I mailed it from Evanston. After that, I was clean. I worked my shift, tried to forget everything I saw and heard and planned to get out as soon as I could.
"I didn't count on love walking into the picture. That was Caroline.
"Caroline came to work there about two weeks after Burt left. She was beautiful and young and innocent and I fell in love. I mean, it wasn't any slow, long thing. It was just there, right at the beginning. I had never met a girl like her. I'd been tending bar almost all my life, meeting waitresses and whores and people like that, and here was a girl who was something really fine.
"We got to talking and she told me she was working to get enough money to go to school and that being a waitress seemed the best way to do it, and then we got closer and I took her out a couple of afternoons and then we'd go to my apartment after closing and talk until dawn.
"You know with other girls I might have made a pass or something, but Caroline was so innocent, that I never laid a hand on her. Oh I loved her and I wanted her, but maybe I'm old-fashioned. I knew no one had ever touched her before, I mean not that way, and I wanted it right with a ring and marriage and all that vine-covered cottage stuff.
"Also, I was getting more and more worried about what was going on in the club, because here and there I began to find out more things I didn't really like too much. You know, you get shifted from the main bar to a smaller one upstairs and mum's the word.
"What the setup turned out to be was one of the fanciest operations I've ever heard of. It was really nothing more than a fancy private whorehouse. Morie of course, was a front man or fall guy or whatever, and the restaurant and bar downstairs was just to make everything look more legitimate.
"Also, if you know Chicago at all, you know it's not too difficult to do what you want if there is a little grease put in the right places.
"The operation was really high class. There were some permanent girls who worked there, but the guys who came and bought them were sort of what you would call swingers. They'd have big parties in some of the upstairs rooms and I'd be up there doing my thing, I mean mixing drinks and playing blind as a bat while they were doing their things.
"Believe me, I learned a lot working there - you know, about people and animals and people and machines and people with all sorts of hang-ups, but I'd gotten the message from Morie I never said a word about anything. Not even to Caroline.
"Maybe I was just dumb. I thought the girls who waited on the tables downstairs were square and that was it. I thought the girls from upstairs came from other places. Boy, was I stupid.
"So I didn't tell Caroline about the upstairs, and I kept on saving my money and planning to ask her to marry me and then hoping we'd just leave together and maybe go someplace else and forget the whole business.
"We'd talk of love and marriage and it was pretty much of a sure thing, and then something happened I didn't like, but couldn't do anything about. Morie transferred Caroline to days so I couldn't see her that much. When she was working I was free and when I was hung up at the bar she was on her own.
"You know I hate the guy, but I still can't help but admiring the way Morie operated the whole thing. First he transferred Caroline to the daytime and then he started in on her with his friendship and his smiles and Mr. Nice Guy routine.
"Sure he was manager and had a lot of money, while I was only a bartender, and he had a big gift of gab like I never had and - well, he stole my girl.
"At first I was just too hurt and angry to do anything. You know how it is. You feel it's done. How can a guy get a girl back if she doesn't want him? How can you compete with a guy like Morie with all the smooth talk and the money and the tickets to big shows and all?
"So she left me and became Morie's girl, and I just sort of stood back chewing on a broken heart and let it go. Well, that went on for about a couple of months until one day she called me at home.
"She had to see me, she said, and she begged me for old time's sake to meet her.
"Well, part of me wanted to tell her off, but another part still had all the old love and I couldn't do anything about that half. I told her she could come over the next day, and when she came I saw right away that something was wrong - I mean really bad wrong.
"She looked like she'd been run over by a bulldozer. She'd lost about ten pounds and her eyes were all bloodshot and blue underneath, and I knew she had been crying her soul out.
"She sat down on the couch beside me and sort of just stared at the wall for a long time before she started to talk. When she did, the story that came out was sort of a classic bit of naïve young girl done wrong.
"She'd fallen for Morie, she told me, and then she started to cry again. She'd been lonely without me. We never got a chance to see each other with the separate shifts and Morie had been kind and understanding at first - you know, sort of friendly and all that. He told her he wasn't really the owner of the club and he couldn't change the schedules around, but he was nice. A little gift here and maybe she'd like to go out someplace else for dinner and maybe she'd like him to listen to her stories, and then somewhere along the line she got the idea he was Mr. Kind-and-Nice himself and that he loved her.
"Boy, the idea that Morie could ever love anything or anybody but himself almost made me flip out, but I sat there trying to be decent while I was torn apart with jealousy and a lover's hate.
"Anyway, she went on, Morie was so understanding and then he said he'd been in love with her for a long time and that he really wanted to marry her, and she fell for it. Only then he went on and told her they'd have to wait for awhile. He'd gotten into some trouble gambling and owed a lot of money to some big people, but as soon as that was clear they could make it to the altar.
"God, she was so upset she could hardly tell the story. I guess she was upset at herself, because she knew she had been taken. She didn't know then, though. That's when Morie asked her to come live with him in his place, and he conned her into it. They set up in his apartment and he was the first one with her.
"God, did I feel like a chump. Here I'd treated her like Snow White, wanting the marriage and the right old-fashioned way, and then a guy like Morie comes along and with a few bucks and a smooth line gets her into his bed, conning her into a marriage that's nothing but a dream.
"But then she began to sob even more because the next little kicker is that he tells her he's having trouble with the man he owes the money to, and the guy has seen Caroline. If she will only do it with him - just once - it will save Morie from getting beaten up or shot or something like that.
"Well, at first, according to her story, she didn't like the idea at all, but Morie never let up and finally she figured just once and it would all be over, so she went ahead with it.
"And now she was crying buckets of tears.
"You've got to help me,' she begged. 'Please. . . '
"Help her, I'm thinking. Here's a girl I love with every bit of emotion I had in me. She was different and nice, and then she dumps me for another guy and he peddles her out to somebody else, and I'm supposed to help her. I didn't say anything, but I'll tell you, I was angry. Why should I help her? She doesn't care for me. She's just putty in the hands of any smooth-talking jerk who comes along.
"Then, through tears, she tells me that Morie got her doing it with not only the one guy but with a couple more and now he's making her work at the upstairs parties.
"I hate it, I hate it,' she sobbed. 'Oh, I've got to get out. '
"Yeah, I thought, and you want me, this guy you dumped, to help pull you out of the mess.
"Well, I'd been silent for too long and finally it just got to me, I blew my top. I chewed her out from the top to the bottom, told her she was six different kinds of whore and told her I wouldn't lift a finger.
"Hell, what had she done for me, except lead me on to think she was a nice young kid who might want some of the things I had in mind - dumb stuff like a home and kids and square stuff - and now, after putting out to every big-money jerk upstairs in the club, she comes back to good old Mister Sugar and begs for help?
"I told her I wouldn't touch her and told her to get out.
"She got up real slow from the couch and stood facing the door of my small apartment. 'I don't blame you,' she said, 'I really don't. I treated you very bad, but you've got to believe I didn't mean to. I got trapped, that's all, and it's you I love. I hate this life. I hate the trap I got into and there's no way out. We can't leave you know. If you won't help, I've only got one choice. I'll have to go to someone who will. '
"Then she walked to the door and turned around. Her eyes were full of tears as she reached out and laid one tiny hand on my wrist. 'I do love you,' she said, and then, 'Goodbye. ' That was the last word she spoke to me.
"She opened the door and walked out.
"I slammed it behind her thinking what a chump she had tried to make of me. Hell, how could I help her anyway? She was one of Morie's girls. I just hoped I never had to watch her in the act like I sometimes had to on those special parties upstairs when all the big wheels came around and had their fun. Sometimes, sure there were guys who liked it private, but some of them liked a little wilder stuff. One guy I remember, had about six girls around him while he was eating dinner; they were all naked and scrambling around playing with themselves and him while I was mixing drinks at a little portable bar.
"I don't remember the day of the week when she walked out of my apartment, but I sure do remember the following Wednesday. The club closed for the night as usual and I cleaned out the register and was ready to go, when Morie came over to the bar.
"Want you up to the Green Room,' he said.
"Now the Green Room was one of the upstairs rooms reserved for private little parties, but I knew there was nothing scheduled for that night. I figured it was just some sort of little meeting about the club policy or something because I knew Morie had asked a couple of the waitresses and all the waiters and I could see him running around telling everyone to get up to the Green Room.
"Well, in about twenty minutes everybody got closed for the night and came up to the Green Room. Nobody seemed to know why we were all there and we just sort of waited around, smoking cigarettes and talking small talk, which is the only kind in a place like that.
"It took a few minutes before Morie came in followed by a couple of bigger guys - and I could see right away they had souls of cast iron that made his look like marshmallow.
"There was no smile on Morie's face this time. He walked to one side of the room and leaned on the bar there.
"Everybody here knows what kind of operation this is,' he said, 'and everybody here has been doing his job - so far. You know every now and then, though, somebody gets some wise guy notion that they can play the game alone.
"Don't get the idea you can play out alone. We got a case here tonight of somebody who wanted to play out alone. We had a bartender a couple of years ago who did that, but I guess the lesson didn't stick. This time, it's going to stick.
"I'm going to show every single one of you what happens to anybody - get that - anybody - who tries to play it alone. '
"He motioned to one of the big guys beside him, and the gorilla opened the door.
"Two other big guys led Caroline into the room. She was dressed in street clothing. She seemed healthy and unharmed, but very scared.
"See this little lady,' Morie said. 'Take a good look at her because she's a little lesson for all of you. She got the wild notion she could go to the cops. Now I'm going to show you just what happens to smart little chicks who think they can go anywhere. '
"When they led that girl through that door, I really couldn't have any idea what was going to happen. I mean, I just don't have any imagination like that. Maybe, I thought they were going to chew her out a little in front of everyone and let it go at that, but I never had any idea what was really going to happen and I suppose when it started I was just too damn stunned and shocked to do anything.
"Like I said before, after Caroline left my apartment that last time, she never said a word to me. I've got to say, she was the bravest person I ever saw in my entire life, but God, how would anyone know how brave she would have to be.
"Morie just had her stand sort of to the right of him with the two guys beside him and the other two holding her, one by each arm. 'This little broad,' he started to tell us, 'got a wild notion that this is a sort of country club here and that if you decide you don't want to put out anymore, all you have to do is quit and walk off. You all better get the idea that you don't quit on Morie or anyone else around here. And when you're supposed to put out, you damned well put out.
"Another little things is you don't ever - I mean never - go running down trying to tell any fancy stories to the cops because, girls and guys, that's a no-no. '
"He may have been trying to talk funny and make us laugh a little, but it didn't work. I was listening to him, but looking at Caroline. At that point she seemed stiff-lipped and silent. She never looked at me, just straight ahead as if she couldn't see anything and as if her lips were glued together.
"I guess then I was probably thinking whatever they were going to do to her would serve her right. After all, she'd dumped me and become Morie's girl and then he had gotten her into the racket. She was doing all right I figured. I know something about what kind of money was being passed around for what kind of tricks in the upstairs rooms of the club. So they were going to have a little fun with her. What was wrong with that? I figured. It would teach her a lesson.
"The two big guys on either side of her held her by the arms as Morie reached out between Caroline's breasts and pulled at her dress. The material didn't rip right away, and he had to pull on it a couple of times before it tore apart and sort of puddled down around her hips.
"She had beautiful breasts, sort of young and upthrust, but then I was thinking about how many other guys had pawed them and maybe kissed them and, like I said, I figured whatever was going to happen would serve her right.
"The little lady here thinks she's something special,' Morie said to us all. 'She's got the wild notion that she can walk out if she likes, and if she doesn't, she doesn't have to do little things she thinks are not right in her special little book. Got a special little thing about broads, don't you Caroline?'
"She didn't answer him, just sort of stood there stony-eyed watching the wall in front of her. Looking back, it was like she knew what was going to happen, only I didn't. God, I've got to live with it, but I thought right then, they were just going to have a few kicks with her and let it go at that.
"Morie looked over all the people crowded into his room and didn't say anything, just sort of motioned to one of the girls standing near me. She was a great big one I remembered having seen her a couple of times. Just to make things clear, I'll call her Billie. She'd do almost anything when she was on call for the parties upstairs, but her main specialty - I guess it was the one she really got her kicks from - was doing shows with other girls.
"With men and animals I guess she considered the whole thing just business, but women turned her on - I mean really, and I could see by the look in her eyes that she was turned on now.
"Morie sort of beckoned her over and told her to take Caroline's breasts any way she liked.
"Well like I said, I was still thinking the whole thing was some sort of a bad joke, but I was bitter and figured Caroline was getting whatever was coming to her. If she had to go through a lesbian feeling her breasts and licking the nipples, well, she would survive to come back another day - only it wouldn't be me she was coming back to, because she'd already deserted me. I wanted no part of her.
"So Billie walked up there and started playing around with Caroline's breasts with her hands and then she sort of lowered her head to one of them, saying loud enough so that we all could hear it that Caroline would never have them felt so good before or after and then she just started to nuzzle slow and easy.
"You'd think something like that would do something to a girl, only Caroline's face never changed it's expression. She still looked half dead in the eyes and her mouth stayed firm. I mean, what difference could it have made, really. Sensation is sensation, and even if she didn't like the idea of a girl licking her like that, the feeling itself must have been good. She was being humiliated, that's all.
"And frankly, I hate myself for it, but I wanted her humiliated. I'm sorry for that now, but I couldn't help feeling it then.
"Morie let her keep on that way for awhile before he pushed Billie aside and then ripped Caroline's dress all the way down. She stood there like a statue, dressed only in her panties for a moment until Morie ripped them off too, and then, because she wouldn't move her legs - just sort of stood there waiting for whatever was going to happen - he ripped the elastic and then the smaller bands of elastic around each leg until she had nothing on but her shoes and the stone-eyed expression.
"I could tell that Morie was getting even madder by the minute because Caroline wasn't doing anything. She was just standing there waiting for whatever they were going to do to her and not giving anyone the satisfaction of knowing she was not enjoying much of it.
"I suppose it bugged Morie because, after ripping off her panties, he turned to us and said, 'She thinks she don't have to put out for the club. Got the wild idea she's Miss Somebody and can run off and try to sing to the cops. '
"He reached over then and grabbed a couple of her pubic hairs and just pulled them out.
"You'd think a girl would scream when something like that happened, only Caroline didn't make a sound. She winced a little, but that was all, and I suppose that really drove Morie up the wall.
"God damn it!' he screamed. 'You show the little songbird what she's supposed to do. '
"He turned to one of the gorillas standing beside him and nudged him in the ribs.
"The big guy looked at Caroline and sort of smiled. A couple of his front teeth were out and he looked like he needed a shave, so he wasn't the best-looking fellow in the world. I mean, he never would have gotten a job as star of anything except maybe King Kong.
"But the big jerk knew where his bread was buttered, so he sort of slow and easy peeled out of his coat and unbuckled his trousers and let his pants and underwear slide on down to the floor.
"But you know, for all his slob appearance and all the matted hair on his legs, he must have been a neat guy because he was very careful about those clothes. He folded them just as neat as you please and put them on the bar behind him and then got out of his necktie and shirt, and there he was, as naked as the day he was born - only it's sort of hard to think of anything like that ever being born in the first place.
"He was about six foot three and two-fifty if he weighed a pound, and he had big clumps of hair all over him and I've never seen a guy hung like that - I mean ever.
"I suppose he wanted to get on with it, but he must have been sort of sensitive because his member wasn't working the way he wanted it to. He played with it a little bit and then a couple of the girls in the room started to tease him about it. Finally one of them, a real bitch named Sue, just sort of ambled over to him smiling just as big as you please and reached out her own hand.
"It didn't take long after that. He rose up to his full length, and Sue was still playing with him when Morie pushed her away and nudged the big guy toward Caroline.
"Still she never looked to the right or left. She just kept standing there staring at the wall as if she was about to get shot. I suppose this annoyed Morie more than anything else. He shoved the big guy again and the big guy must not have had any brains at all because he just walked over to where she was standing and right there, without putting her down on the floor or anything else, just sort of squatted until he could fit where he wanted to and then gave a big shove and lifted her clean off the floor.
"She gasped once and it sounded a lot more like pain than pleasure, and her mouth opened and then I saw her clamp her teeth and shut her mouth. After that, except for little sounds she just couldn't help making, she never let anyone know anything was happening to her.
"Only it was. That big guy wasn't thinking of love or tenderness or anything else along those lines. He was like an animal, just rutting and rutting. He had her feet off the ground and her back against the bar, and he was shoving and grunting and slamming her back hard against the wood.
"Still she didn't make any sound except when the air was slammed out of her. I still figured she was getting what was coming to her. So what? She'd done the same thing maybe a hundred times before with anyone who paid for it. What was so bad about a big ape giving her a little extra?
"Then he gave a great big shuddering grunt and sort of hung in there for a second or two before he pulled away, none too gently.
"At first I thought Caroline was going to drop right on down to the floor. She sort of stumbled and staggered. I could see she'd been shook up a little and was maybe not feeling the best for it, but she stayed standing, still staring at the far wall.
"Morie, I could see, was getting real annoyed by this time. He nudged the second guy who had been with him and had him strip down and then the same thing happened again. Only this guy was more with it. He didn't have any trouble getting ready to do it. He was right up almost right from the beginning.
"He did it standing up, too, slamming her hard as hell against the bar, and I thought it was getting a little rough, only by that time it wasn't that I didn't care anymore. I was scared.
"I suddenly began to realize that these guys meant a hell of a lot more business than having a little fun with one of their whores who happened to get a little out of line.
"After that second guy finished, Caroline's mouth started to drop open. I could see it took a lot of effort to hold her teeth shut, but somehow she managed. Only after the third one, she didn't manage to stand up anymore. They were just knocking everything out of her like they were going to war instead of making something close to love.
"She sort of crumpled to the floor of the room and Morie stood over her laughing. That was when he motioned to the fourth great big guy to pile on her, only he must have had some sort of hang-up or had something wrong with him because he didn't take off his clothes. He just up and went down on her with his mouth.
"And you know, I thought she'd sort of enjoy the break, only I couldn't see what was happening for awhile. Then I really began to get scared because I first saw a little bit of blood trickle from the corner of her mouth. I could see she was biting her lip and she was biting it clean through. I guess to keep from screaming. And only after a few minutes could I understand why, because this last guy was not just licking. He was chewing on her! When he finished, his face was colored with blood and I could see she was bleeding bad between the legs.
"Right then a couple of the people in the crowd began to make sort of uneasy murmurs, but Morie stood right over Caroline. 'You don't like it?' he demanded. 'I don't care a damn if you don't like it. You got weak stomachs, you better start thinking of yourselves and what's going to happen if you think you're not going to put out for the club.
"Now every guy in this room is going to have some of this, and I don't care if there's anything left. '
"And that's just what happened. Now, some of the guys in there didn't care, but by that time I was frightened as hell and I tried to get into the background, crawl into the woodwork and not get seen, but I couldn't make it.
"Look, I figured, so it's not going to be too good for her, but it's just really a humiliation and nothing more. So the guy bit her a few times where it hurts. So what if I couldn't get in a position to do anything. Morie got that fixed by Sue only her hand wasn't enough. Sue had to put me in her mouth and after that I couldn't stop it working.
"I guess the only decent part of what I did then was try to be gentle and close my eyes. I couldn't look at her anymore. I'm glad I couldn't too because when I got up I saw I was all covered with blood and that her eyes were sort of glassed over. She was alive and all that. It's just that something of her spirit was gone.
"Well five more guys went at it one after the other. A couple of them decided to get fancy and turned her over, and believe me, neither of them was what you'd like to call gentle. Then one of those tried to get her to take him in the mouth, only she wouldn't move. He just turned her over again and rutted into her.
"By that time, her head was hanging down, blood was all over her groin and coming out of her mouth too, only she still wasn't screaming. I guess I knew then they were going to kill her one way or another, and I was scared half to death.
"I was getting sick and I didn't know what to do. I'm no hero, and I've got to live with it the rest of my life, but I just stood there empty and ashamed and watched the whole thing until everyone was finished and she was lying there, more dead than alive. And then everyone sort of drew back and Morie stepped near her again. He looked at all of us, each one separately, and his little chubby round face broke into a big smile.
"Everybody's had a nice look and some have had a little bit of fun right? And this little songbird lying here has had a whole lot of fun, haven't you, honey?'
"She didn't answer, so he kicked her as hard as he could right between the legs. The air came out of her and a half scream, but again I could see she was biting her lip, holding back the sobs of pain that tried to come forth.
"Yeah,' he said, 'she's having fun. Maybe not as much as she would have had if she hadn't decided to run on down to the fuzz, but she's having fun. Aren't you honey?'
"Still she didn't answer and again he kicked her, this time in the ribs. Again she uttered a little half scream and bit her lips. He must have kicked her hard because I could see little bubbles of air in the blood that was now coming out of her mouth.
"Little bitch!' Morie was screaming now. 'I am going to show every last one of you what happens to somebody who squeals on this outfit or tries to get out and sing to the cops. '
"The room was very silent for what seemed like a couple of years while Morie turned away from Caroline on the floor and walked behind the bar. He leaned over there for a minute and then came around again carrying a regular baseball bat.
"This little bitch had her chance, he told everyone. 'She could have been turning happy little tricks around here instead of trying to squeal. Now she'll never turn another trick and, believe me, she'll never squeal to anyone. ' "He stood down by her legs and raised the bat over his head. The big friendly smile was still on his face as he suddenly seemed to let go all at once. The bat crashed down on her right calf and I knew the minute it had hit that he'd broken her leg.
"The blood was still coming from her mouth. Now I could see her lower lip was almost bitten through, but she still refused to scream.
"I could see that Morie was getting almost out of hand. It was like he would do anything to make her scream. He broke her other leg the way he had her first, and then moved up and broke her right and then her left thigh, and then it looked like he was going to bash in her head.
"No,' he said. 'I've got something better for the little bitch and I want every single one of you little girls in here to pay the best attention to this little number, because it's what you're going to get yourselves if any one of you get out of line. '
"He turned around and whispered something to one of the gorillas who had come in with him. The big guy left the room and we all waited for about five minutes until he came back. He had a beer bottle in his hand.
"Morie took the bottle. 'Little squealing bitch thinks she's not going to scream. She'll scream,' he said. 'You're going to hear what it feels like to get out of line, every one of you. '
"He took the beer bottle and broke the top of the neck off on the edge of the bar.
"One of the girls beside me gasped.
"Yeah,' Morie said, 'your getting the idea. ' And then he went over to where Caroline was lying on the floor.
"At first I thought I saw some fear in her eyes, but then there was just resignation and contempt for him. And the S. O. B. saw it.
"I think that last little bit of scorn was what made him do it. Morie took that broken beer bottle and put it between her legs and then pushed as hard as he could with his hand before he got up and kicked it farther in with his foot.
"She screamed then! God, the echo of it still rings in my ears! She screamed then for every bit of pain and anguish every human being has ever suffered since the world began. It climbed the walls of the room and hung high and sour in the air as if it was one siren sound dripping, clawing at our ears and it was like it would never stop, as if all the breath of the world's pain was in one great big bag of her lung and being pumped out at one time.
"Then - I turned away. I couldn't watch. There was a soft wet sound and the screams were gone.
"It was like the room was empty. Morie had taken the baseball bat and given her the final blow, smashing in her brains to end the punishment.
"We all stood as if each of us had been hit by the bat and then Morie said, 'Get out. Get out, the lot of you. '
"I guess him and his gorillas cleaned her up and got rid of her. I don't know. I was so scared I hardly knew what to do. I got back to my apartment somehow and managed to pack a bag. I got out of town that night.
"I'm not telling you where I went, but I'll tell you this. I don't tend bar anymore. All I do now is try to live with myself, knowing that I had a girl once and that she might have been young and naïve but that she did love me, and I turned her down. I could have saved her and I didn't.
"That one endless scream is still ringing in my ears and in a way I hope they do find me and kill me. It's better than having to live with what I live with.
"Yeah, conscience makes cowards of us all. But what happens to a coward who had no conscience and then finds it like that?
"You tell me. "The subject in this case is explicit in describing his present mental anguish; however, he is perhaps less than accurate in his perception of it's cause. His failure to take any action in opposition to the monstrous Morie comes at the end of a long history of intimidation, and by the time he is confronted with the torture and execution of his former girlfriend, he has long since capitulated to that intimidation and it's consequent fear. His behavior on the night of Caroline's murder must be seen in the context of the fact that he has been involved in Morie's activities for a long time and has never done anything to stop the growing mania of his boss.
When his friend Burt is tortured and killed, he refuses to allow himself to recognize Burt's murderers, thereby retaining his job and position at the bar, despite the fact that he knows subconsciously that his boss is a murderer. When Caroline comes to him and asks for help, he again refuses to recognize reality, deceiving himself as to his motives. Throughout his employment at the bar he has been practicing the philosophy he says he learned in the streets of New York, of keeping his eyes open and his mouth shut. He is obviously afraid for himself, and he avoids any involvement with less fortunate victims of Morie's intimidation, obviously because of his fear for himself. His inability to admit that fear, and the necessity to cover it up with various other explanations, all of which are spurious, have ultimately led him to participate in the murder of Caroline and degenerate into a hunted, haunted fugitive himself.
The fact that Caroline was unable to get help from the police is not surprising, since women who complain of sexual exploitation are often victimized by a law enforcement system which is far from efficient in the prosecution of sex crimes. Linda Buisson, in "Nice Girls Do Get Raped," from the Los Angeles Free Press, reports on a recent meeting of the Criminal Justice Committee that heard testimony from women who had reported attempted rape, and from rape victims. From the testimony, Miss Buisson sums up:Committee Chairman Alan Sieroty expressed unequivocal concern for rape victims and called for investigation and revision of California's rape laws. Restating victim's testimony to the press, Sieroty said, "Women are intimidated, treated with disrespect, as a piece of evidence when they choose to report the rape and when they try to help in the prosecution of the defendant. Procedures are not explained, prosecutors don't help them prepare for the bitter cross-examination, and their entire sexual history is delved into. . . "Thus it is apparent that there would be little help forthcoming for Caroline in reporting her plight to the police. Also, in the subject's consistent refusal to recognize reality when it frightens him, it is apparent that he would be unable to make a choice to defy the boss who successfully intimidated him along with all the rest of the bar employees with threats of violence if they refuse to cooperate. Regardless of what the subject says about his own motives, he must be considered to be the victim of intimidation and fear as well as a master at self-deception.
In the behavior of Morie we find a combination of motivations that suggest two things: first, he is primarily interested in power, and is using sexual exploitation and threats of violence to accomplish that end; second, he is probably deeply and irrevocably sadistic, and experiences genuine pleasure in the torture and murder of his victims. This mingling of pain and pleasure is explained by Leon J. Saul in The Hostile Mind:In sadism, some individuals gain their chief pleasure out of torturing others. There are people who only reach sexual orgasm through inflicting pain on another in lesser or greater degree. Here there is actual sexualization of the hostility. . . Some murderers experience multiple orgasms during the deed. . . Because of this pervasiveness of the sexual feelings, hostility can become mixed with them so that hostile aggression is part of the sex drive, and so that sexual feelings accompany aggression. Undoubtedly, the murder of Caroline accomplishes two simultaneous purposes for Morie - the further intimidation of his employees and the gratification of his own sadistic desires. To a certain extent, some of the employees themselves, including the subject, demonstrate some responsiveness to sadistic stimulation, in that they become aroused by the spectacle of Caroline's humiliation. However, for Morie the demonstration is a multipurpose moment in satisfaction and more than achieves it's purposes.
Richard von Krafft-Ebing in Psychopathia Sexualis makes some illuminating comments on the relationship between lust and power:. . . When homicidal mania has been excited, lust often follows. Lombroso alludes to the fact mentioned by Mategazza, that to the terrors of spoliation and plunder bandits generally are added those of brutal lust and rape. . . The examples of the degenerate Caesars (Nero, Tiberius) are also instructive. They took delight in having youths and maidens slaughtered before their eyes. Here we have an exactly parallel situation, in which a ruler displays his own power of life and death over his subjects, insures their further subjugation through intimidation, and gratifies his own sadistic desires. For the subject, Morie's tactics are all too effective. However, in his present guilt and shame, he continues to deceive himself. His failure to interfere in Caroline's murder is not the failure of his conscience. It is the inevitable result of his much earlier capitulation to Morie's rule. His earlier choices had placed him in a position from which it became increasingly difficult to back down. The final confrontation was with the consequences of his own behavior more than it was with the truth about Morie. If the subject had been honest with himself in the years he worked for Morie, he would surely have seen that truth long before.
There is however, not much hope for rehabilitation of the subject. This is primarily because he is still failing to recognize his real problem, and continues to wallow in the misery and horror of his betrayal of Caroline. Of more importance to his personal growth is the recognition of his betrayal to himself, and at this point he is so overwhelmed with the events of Caroline's murder and his own part in it that he is unable to see clearly his own role and his own responsibility.