Chapter 1
Let me begin by saying that I am not a writer. I am just a woman who feels she has a story to tell. Great books, I understand, are often born in the personal agonies of the authors. While this may not be a great book the great agony that forced it into being is still there.
I was born on a farm in Kansas which is about as All-American as a girl can get, I suppose. Three brothers had been born before me and I was destined to be the only girl (outside my mother, of course) in the family.
My father was a big, raw-boned man and my mother looked like a frail bird next to him. From the very beginning I knew that my father was the boss of the house which is the way it is supposed to be. I've seen too many marriages and homes ruined when the wives took over. But, in the rural district of Kansas, men were men and there was no such thing as a henpecked husband.
The farm was a fairly large one and my father had to hire men to bring in the harvest. When my brothers got old enough they worked the fields and this saved some money. As the only girl and the youngest one in the family I was spoiled and I only had to help my mother around the house.
City people have the idea that children who grow up on farms are innocent because we are not supposed to be faced with all kinds of temptations. This is a mistaken notion. Sexual desires come to farm girls and boys just as it comes to kids living in the most sophisticated cities. After all, don't we have bodies, too?
I was nine years old when I started to get curious about sex. As the only girl in a house with three virile, growing boys it was easy to overhear all kinds of sexy conversations. Sometimes, when the boys saw me, they would suddenly get quiet. I knew, of course, they had been talking about girls and they didn't want me to overhear. But, at the age of nine, you couldn't keep sex away from my mind long. It was at that age I saw a penis and testicles for the first time.
Henry, my oldest brother who was seventeen, liked to strip off his clothes in the barn and look at magazines filled with pictures of nude girls. I didn't know it at the time but he masturbated a lot in the hay loft. One hot afternoon I wandered into the barn and heard some noise in the loft. I climbed up a ladder soundlessly and peeped over the rim of some hay. There, stretched out naked with his prick in his hand, was Henry. In his other hand he held a girlie magazine and he was so intent at staring at the pictures that he didn't notice me. I knew that I was looking at something I wasn't supposed to but I couldn't help myself. My eyes were glued to that tube of meat and those fleshy balls between my brother's legs.
Henry kept pulling on his pecker furiously as if he were mad at it. Then his hand suddenly stopped moving. A milkish juice shot out of his tube and on to his belly. He put the magazine down and I saw the satisfied expression on his face. And then he discovered me staring at him. "Lorna!" he gasped in a mixture of hate and shame.
I hurried down the ladder as fast as I could and ran out of the barn. I was afraid that he might run after me so I rushed into my room and locked the door. I stayed there until it was time to eat. My mother had to call me over and over again before I dared leave the room. I didn't want to face my brother. When I did come down to eat I trembled because I was sure that he had told everyone I had seen his naked body. Girls of nine weren't supposed to look at boys who didn't have clothes on.
It wasn't long before I realized that Henry was even more afraid that I might say something about catching him jerking off. He avoided my eyes and was silent all through the meal. When it was over he seemed happy when I went back to my room without mentioning our brief meeting in the hay loft.
That night I couldn't get to sleep because my mind was full of thoughts about boys and their sex parts. I pulled down my pajama bottoms and rubbed my vagina. All I had was a slit between my legs while my brother had all that meat. I felt as if I had been cheated. My sex felt like a cut that indicated a tube and balls had been there. I pushed one of my fingers into my cleft. Excitement shot through my body. At the age of nine I had discovered the joys of masturbation.
The further I pushed my finger into my vagina the m ore thrilled I became. This, I thought, was what fuck meant. As a girl growing up amongst males I couldn't help but hear that word repeated again and again. I knew it had something to do with sex and making babies. Now I began to understand. A boy pushed his tube into a girl's slit and let juice come out just as my brother had in the hay loft. I closed my eyes and thought of my brother's big, stiff penis as I moved my finger in and out of my sexual opening. Now I wanted to be back in that loft gazing at him.
At harvest time my father hired some men to help bring in an especially big crop. These fellows were drifters who went from farm to farm picking up what money they could. My mother was afraid of them but, then, she was afraid of everything. She warned me to stay away from these strangers because too many grown men liked little girls. Instead of terrifying me this warning made me more interested in the farm hands. What was so bad about being liked?
My father hired three shabby-looking fellows and put them up in a shack. Since they were only going to stay a few days my father didn't waste any comforts on them. To clean themselves there was a shower stall and the other end was hooked to a faucet. It wasn't fancy but the men my father hired didn't seem to be the neat types to begin with.
I never paid much attention to this makeshift shower before but now that sex had entered my life I made a point of keeping my eye on it. . .literally.
My room was on the second floor of the farmhouse and, by standing on a chair and a box, I could look right down into the staff from my window. I was excited when the men my father hired took up residence in the shack. I slipped into my room and locked the door the first evening they were there and placed a chair next to the window. Then I put a box on the chair and climbed up on top of it. From my vantage point I could see right down the open end of the shower stall. There was a light inside the shack so I knew the three hired hands were there. I heard them laugh and talk. Since they had been sweating in the fields all day I was sure that at least one of them would take a bath. I pushed my dress up and fingered my tender opening. Sex hung heavy in the still air.
Suddenly the water was turned on in the shower stall. One of them was going to be naked! The rear door of the shack opened and a husky fellow of about thirty or so came out. He wore a towel around his waist and carried a bar of soap in one of his hands. I swallowed hard as I watched him test the water. When he decided it was warm enough...he took off the towel!
The nude man stood in the gloom of the evening. His sex organs were in shadow but I could see the outline of his body and the curve of his muscular rump. When he stepped into the shower stall he also stepped into a square of yellow light that came from one of the windows of the shack. I saw his tube of flesh and his gently swinging bag.
I moaned quietly and pushed my finger deep into my slit. My whole body warmed with desire. As the man soaked himself in the warm water his body grew shiny and this seemed to make his sexual parts clearer in the yellow light. I kept pumping my finger inside my cleft as I watched this adult clean his nude body. He turned and I saw his buttocks. The man rubbed his hands deep between the butt halves and I started to giggle.
Somehow it seemed funny.
The man turned again and this time he played with his pecker as my brother had. I gazed on in amazement as his sex grew and curled upward. His penis got bigger and bigger until it seemed to be three times larger than it had been when it was limp. What a wonderful thing was a human cock!
I watched as the man pumped his meat with his hand. At the same time I rammed my finger inside my gash quickly and it was if he were screwing me from afar. It was too dark for me to see the juice leap from his meaty tube but I knew it was happening when he stopped moving his hand. For a nine year old I was learning about life fast.
After the man dried himself the second fellow came out of the shack and stood under the shower naked. His body was tall and thin and he had almost no ass at all. Unlike the first one he didn't jerk off and his penis lay limp between his skinny legs as he cleaned himself. He didn't stay under the water long, just enough to wash off the grime and sweat.
The third man appeared. He was about my father's age and just as big. He was the best looking of the three. When he stepped into that square of yellow light I gasped when I saw his broad shoulders, his hairy chest and his big pecker. He washed himself slowly, turning around, showing me his handsome behind and then his big stick and bag. The man didn't play with himself as the first one had but I could see his penis swell and grow slightly as he passed his hand over it. In my excitement I shoved still another finger into my vagina and masturbated with gusto.
The big, handsome stranger finally stepped out of the shower and entered the shack. The water was turned off and I knew that there would be no more showers that evening. I still gazed at that window where the light was coming from hoping that I could see all three men naked together but all I saw were moving shadows. When the light was turned off I climbed down from my perch and crawled into bed. My heart pounded wildly as I kept thinking about what I had just seen. I took off my clothes and spread my legs wide. I imagined that the three men were in the room with me now, naked. My daydreams became night dreams as I slept. I dreamt of myself being in that shower stall and being touched all over by the three naked men. I dreamt of their big tubes of meat probing against my body and shooting juice....
Each evening I returned to that perch and watched as the men bathed themselves. On the last night my mother tired the door to my room and found it locked. "Lorna," she cried, "what are you doing in there?"
As it happened I was completely nude and masturbating. I quickly climbed off the box and put on my pajamas. My mother kept banging on the door as I took the box off the chair and brought it away from the window. When I finally did open the door my mother was angry. "What were you doing, girl?" she demanded. "Why do you go to your room so early every night and lock the door?"
"I.. .I'm sleepy...." I explained nervously.
My mother, who had to have been a girl herself at one time, must've known that sex was behind my secrecy. Still, she was just too stiff and reserved a woman to bring the matter up. Although I was her only- daughter we just never became close. As a matter of fact she wasn't close to my brothers, either. She centered all her feelings around my father. After seeing that third man who looked a great deal like him I couldn't exactly blame her.
"You be a good girl, you hear?" my mother said with a tight voice. "I don't want you to do sneaky things behind this door again, understand?"
I understood even though my mother couldn't bring it out in so many words. She was warning me about the dangers of masturbation. Everything sexual was dangerous according to my mother. It was a wonder to me that she ever married in the first place and had so many children.
My voyeurism began on that farm, in Kansas and increased as the years rolled by. I looked forward to harvest time when my father would hire new men. There is a theory that youngsters soon lose their curiosity about the human anatomy once they are exposed to naked bodies. It wasn't so in my case. My curiosity grew with each male I gazed at.
I was fourteen when I fell in love for the first time. At that age my body had attained nine-tenths of its growth and I was almost a woman. Hair had grown over my vagina and my breasts had filled out to firm, high cones. Men and boys no longer considered me just another cute farm girl.. .I was now a sex object.
At harvest time my father only had to hire one man because my brothers were big and strong enough to do a full day's work. The fellow wasn't like most of the drifters that pick up a few dollars here and there on farms. His name was Leon and I thought that he was almost beautiful. He had fine features, curly red hair and a tall, lean figure. Leon was twenty and he told my father that he had just gotten out of the army. He didn't want to settle down right away so that was why he was drifting around the country.
The young man was put in the shack that field hands had always used over the years. My father had not put any improvements in the place which was all right for me since I could leer at naked males to my heart's content when they showered. As it happened the new man was cleaner than most field workers and he showered both in the morning and in the evening. This meant I had two chances a day to enjoy my peeping.
Leon wasn't lazy and he got up at the crack of dawn. I heard the water run in that outdoor shower stall the first morning Leon was on the farm and I popped out of bed. I was now tall enough not to use a box on top of the chair when I perched near the bedroom window.
I sucked in my breath when I looked down at the nude young man. He had the whitest skin I had ever seen on anyone, man or woman. The only hair on his body was over his long, limp penis and it was a slightly darker red than the hair on his head. There was a tattoo on one of his arms near the shoulder and that was the only mark on an otherwise flawless body. When he turned he exposed a behind that seemed rather feminine to me. His buttocks were white, smooth and well-formed with a deep dimple over each butt half. Leon had long, muscular legs and narrow hips which were clearly masculine. I had seen many men bathe naked in that outdoor shower stall but this fellow was by far the most attractive.
As always my hand went to my pussy. I was now an expert at masturbation and tickled my clitoris with my fingertip as I imagined what it would be like to have Leon screw me. His penis did not erect but it was still very long in its limp state. I had seen male organs of every size and shape both limp and erected and I wondered just how big Leon's was then it was stiff.
It was a chilly morning and steam rose off the boy's body giving him almost a mystical appearance. He was like someone out of a romantic novel. Leon went back into the shack and turned off the water. I slipped between the bedcovers and shoved three fingers of one hand deep into my cleft. What was it like to have a real dick inside my body, I wondered. I couldn't go through life staring at boys from afar and then play with myself. Sooner or later that first, very important sex experience had to come. I wanted it to be as soon as possible.
My mother had always warned me to stay away from the shack out of a fear that I would get raped. So far the most sexual expression I had ever gotten from a field hand was a whistle. I began to wonder if my mother's sex fears about me were nothing but fears.
When Leon had finished his evening shower I walked over to his shack and knocked on the door. When he opened it he was dressed in nothing but a pair of tight jeans which hugged the bulge of his crotch and his shapely rump. "I thought you might like to read the newspaper," I said and handed it to him. This was my excuse to see him in the first place.
"Why, thank you Miss Dixon," he said with cute formality. "I've been wanting something to look at besides these four walls."
This gave me the further excuse to step inside the shack. "I've never been in her," I told him even though the place was as familiar to m e as my own bedroom.
I felt Leon's blue eyes sweep over my body even though my back was turned to him. There was only six years separating us so we could be lovers. It wasn't as if he were a man old enough to be my father.
I chatted about things in general more to work off my nervousness than anything else. This was the first time in my life I had ever been in the shack when it was occupied. I knew my mother would scream at me if she found out but it didn't matter. I was fourteen and had all the growing passions of a healthy female.
When I sat down on one of the cots I folded my legs in such a way that I exposed more than "decency" would allow. There is a touch of the exhibitionist in every voyeur, I suppose. Leon reacted swiftly to my flirtation. He wasn't one of those shy, stumbling hicks who became tongue-tied anytime they were around girls. I could see right away that he was used to female company and he sat next to me on the cot. "You are a very pretty girl, Lorna," he said becoming informal and cozy. "But, does your family know you're here?"
As young as I was I knew why he was asking me that question. He wanted to find out if I had gone to see him on my own and this would tell him whether or not I was expected back in the house shortly. I hadn't told anyone about my visit, of course, and I let the handsome boy know that he had time enough to...to do anything males did to females.
He placed a hand on one of my bare legs, testingly. A chill shot through my body. My very first sexual overture from a boy! But, Leon was more man than boy and realized his responsibility. Even though I was all but throwing myself at him he couldn't afford to take me up on my offer. At the age of fourteen, I was considered "jail bait."
Leon's natural desires warred with his self-control. I could see the bulge in his crotch swell with passion but he didn't dare move his hand further up my leg. To weaken his control I moved in such a way that my dress rode higher. I wasn't wearing any panties and I felt a cool breeze tickle my cunt.
The red head pushed my dress up another inch and exposed my pubic triangle. He made a small sound with his mouth when he saw my sex. Now he realized that I was begging for experience. Leon opened his pants swiftly and his pecker rose up large and pink. It was a beautiful sight. After staring at male sex organs from afar for so long I was now only inches away from one. I slipped my hand over the rigid tube and leered down at the shiny, knobby tip of the penis with its small, shadowy slit in the middle. His manhood felt so warm and good and I squeezed it tightly.
"Have you ever been here with other men?" he wanted to know.
"Never," I told him.
His hand, which was now on my hairy box, froze. "You're a virgin?" he asked softly.
I said that I was thinking that this would attract him to me even more but it had the opposite effect. He pulled his hand away. "You'd better go home now," he said. "I don't want to fuck a kid and get into trouble."
My hand seemed welded to his long, thick penis and I couldn't let go. "I'm not such a kid," I told him. "I've already seen you naked. I've been looking at naked men since I was nine."
He stared at me in disbelief until I told him about the bedroom window and how I had a clear view of the shower stall. He laughed. "Damn! A female Peeping Tom! I never knew there were such things," he said.
The fact that I wasn't as virginal as I seemed made him relax. Once more he placed his hand on my sex and he pushed a finger inside. This action triggered his passions as much as it did mine. He pulled off his pants and pushed my dress all the way up to my arm pits. Since I wasn't wearing a bra, either, he could see my bare breasts. "Baby," he breathed, "I don't want to do this but you're asking for it."
He placed his mouth against one of my nipples and sucked. Leon licked both of my breasts and then ran his tongue down along my belly to my pubic region. He knelt on the floor before my spread legs and gave me my first Frenching. I had the feeling that he was trying to avoid actually screwing me because it meant rape. At fourteen I was below the age of consent.
Leon's red curls were pressed between my thighs as he mouthed my slitted opening. When I eyed his pink, throbbing upright tool I wondered how it would be to take that in my mouth. Oral sex was supposed to be a perversion but it all seemed natural to me.
"Baby," the twenty-year old boy sighed when he lifted his head, "I'll be careful. I'll pull my dick out in time."
I had some knowledge of what he meant. He wanted to avoid shooting his juice and making me pregnant. I didn't care one way or the other at the moment because I was so aroused my entire body felt as if it were on fire.
The young field worker mounted me and he guided the rounded end of his sex tube into my gash. "Oh!" I gasped with both desire and fear.
"I'll be careful," the boy repeated and inched into my flesh.
His long, hard meat slid into my body slowly and he pressed his hairless chest against my engorged nipples. I was .actually being screwed! This is the thing I had been dreaming of for years and now it was happening.
"Oh! Oh! Ohhhh!" I cried aloud as he pushed through my virginal veil. There was a fleeting second of tearing pain and then pleasure took hold of me again. Leon moved all the way into me and I clawed at his back in a spasm of sexual joy. He lifted his chalk-white rump and plowed into me for the second time. He repeated this action just once more and then he lifted his wonderful prick clear out of my passageway. Warm liquid spurted over my belly. He was coming outside of my body as he had promised. He lay on top of me and pushed his body back and forth so that his penis could have some friction. The boy kept spewing his juice for what seemed to be a full minute. He then rolled over on his back, his damp, partially limp organ flapping against his pale body. And then I looked down at my own sex. It was covered with blood. "What happened?" I all but wept. "You hurt me!"
At fourteen there was a lot I didn't know about sex and this was one of them. I didn't know that girls bled the first time. Fear now overcame all my desires. Leon did his best to explain that the bleeding was knew I shouldn't have done it!" he cried. "I knew it! Kids are trouble."
I dressed quickly, weeping all the time. Leon pulled on his pants and implored me not to tell. His white face grew even whiter. Technically he was guilty of rape. In Kansas he could be hung for that. I told him that the last thing in the world I wanted was my parents to know about me losing my virtue to a field hand. He tried to smile and assured me that I would feel a lot better in another hour. He advised me to take a long walk instead of hurrying on home.
This was good advice because I was hardly in a condition to see anyone. I walked along a dirt road for awhile in the moonlight and my nerves calmed down. I had stopped bleeding and I began to feel better. Why hadn't I known about virginal bleeding? Why hadn't my mother said anything about sex? Well, it no longer mattered: I was a woman myself now. Sex had matured me.
An hour later I dared enter the farmhouse. My mother was first to greet me. Her thin face was set. "Where have you been?" she demanded.
"I was just walking," I answered trying to sound as innocent as possible.
"With Leon?" she snapped.
"Of course not!" I replied. "Can't a girl go off by herself once in awhile?"
She stared at me hard and, for a terrifying moment, I thought she was able to read something in my face. All she would have to do was lift my dress and see that I had recently been screwed. I walked away from her and locked the door of my room. When she didn't come after me I sighed with relief.
The distant sound of running water woke me up the next morning. Leon was bathing! Completely naked I walked over to the window and stood on the chair. I saw that familiar white body shining in the dawn's early light. For the first time in my long history of peeping at field hands I pulled back the curtain I had always hid behind in the bedroom so that the fellows could not see me. I tapped at the window gently. Leon looked up and saw me exposing my naked body to him. He smiled and waved. I spread my legs wide and thrust a finger deep into my vagina. He spread his legs in silent answer and waved his engorging penis at me.
I watched it swell and grow until it was fully erected. The young field worker grabbed his meat and started jerking off.
I, from afar, joined him in an act of mutual masturbation. We both pumped the lower halves of our bodies at one another as if we were locked in fornication. Leon started to come. His milkish juice leapt from the head of his dick. I shoved all my fingertips into my cleft and spread it apart as wide as I could and then rammed my body against the window. I moaned aloud as if I were actually having intercourse with him. Strangely enough I found this voyeuristic act more exciting than the actual screwing had been.
Later on that day I met Leon and suggested that we see one another in the shack after work. He shook his red curls. "No, sweety," he responded. "You're a beautiful piece of ass but I don't want to risk it. Last night I was close to clearing off this farm because of what I had done. You're just too damned young to fuck, honey."
It was a unique experience for me to be rejected by a boy but, then, sex itself was a unique experience for me. While Leon didn't want to risk the danger of having sex with me in the shack he didn't mind screwing from afar. He enjoyed having me stare at him as he showered and, for the first time in years, I was able to stare at a naked male who knew he was being stared at. Every voyeur needs an exhibitionist.
On the morning he left we had a long fuck both from the standpoint of distance and time. For this farewell act of love I used a six-inch long cucumber as a phallus. As I stood before the window naked I pushed the penis-sized object into my vagina as the red head pulled on his meat. Since we had been "making love" like this twice a day he didn't have much juice left for the last act. Leon kept jerking his pecker and I kept pumping that knobby cucumber into my body. I no longer bled and this made me feel very adult. I was no longer a silly, dreaming virgin.
I moaned and groaned in passion as the phallus slid against my erected clit. My vagina became moist and very warm. I looked down at my "lover" pulling on his pink prick and it didn't take much imagination to feel that he was inside my body instead of the cucumber. Leon finally shot out some juice and his sex organ quickly became limp. He blew a kiss to me and entered the shack.
I was still so aroused that I kept on screwing myself with the dildo. My moans of ecstasy brought someone to the door because I felt it being tried. "Lorna?" my father asked. "Are you all right?"
As aroused as I was I knew enough to close the curtain, replace the chair and crawl into bed. "I'm fine, dad," I called back pretending to be half asleep.
"I heard you moaning and groaning," he said through the locked door.
"I guess I was having a nightmare, dad," I told him while pushing the phallus all the way into my slitted opening as if trying to hide it.
My father, being a less suspicious person than my mother, took me at my word and left. When I went down to breakfast I kept exchanging secret glances with Leon. My father paid him off and shook his hand.
"I'd like to see you next season," he said. "You're the best worker we've ever had."
I looked deeply into the boy's eyes telling him, in our silent way, that I wanted to see him again...all over. The red head left and I had to leave the house to hide my tears. I stepped into that outdoor shower stall and looked up at the window I had been staring through for so long. There would be other men standing here, I told myself. There would be other naked bodies I could stare at. The foundation to my career as a female voyeur was now well laid.