Chapter 2
Carol tipped the cab driver and nodded to the doorman who still remembered her. Then she entered the elevator that went to her mother's place.
As much as Carol hated these visits, she wasn't about to forfeit the money her mother gave her. Not right now, at least. Later, when her career as an art director took off she might be able to tell them all to fuck off, but right now she had to eat shit.
Letting herself into the apartment with the key she had retained, Carol was struck by the difference in the way she now lived as opposed to what was still available to her. She loved their living room. It was large and the colors of beige and muted yellow were always soothing to her.
Right now the room was full of smoke and the sounds of people laughing, their glasses with the ice cubes clanking musically. Carol shielded her eyes for a shot at her mother, but she didn't see her.
Some small dinner, she thought to herself. It looked like a fucking cocktail party to her and she resented her mother's evasiveness in describing what was awaiting her.
Sam, their butler on occasion, was passing a silver tray of glasses around and Carol noted with a disgusted smirk how her mother always served champagne, just to make things easier. However, she took a glass off the tray, smiling at Sam who almost dropped the tray in surprise and went over to stand in a corner.
This was Carol's favorite thing to do. This way she could see what was going on in the room and not participate unless she wanted to, which was rarely.
Most of her mother's friends came from the art, theater and literary worlds, and to Carol they seemed to comprise the hanger-on class rather than the actual artists. She snorted to herself thinking how a true artist had better things to do with his or her time than hang out at Elizabeth Palm's, getting stoned on champagne and bullshitting.
Several glasses of champagne later and Carol wasn't feeling so hostile. In fact, between the glow of the bubbly and her remembrances of Lila, she was feeling pretty damn good!
"There you are!" her mother exclaimed, advancing towards her in a cloud of perfume and cigarette smoke. "Why ever didn't you let me know that you were here? I've been worried sick about you!" '
And she gave Carol a big hug, being careful however not to smear her bright red lipstick. Carol recoiled slightly from her mother's touch. They had never been close, in fact, Carol held her mother somewhat responsible for what had happened between her and Phil. As she grew older Carol used to think that if Phil had been getting enough from his wife, he wouldn't have turned towards his daughter for sexual satisfaction.
"And here's Ellen!" her mother continued to burble.
Carol stood back to survey her mother's friend. She was a handsome woman, in her thirties and as Carol's mother was closer to fifty, Carol wondered how her mother could have claimed her as a school chum. But then, her mother was always taking classes at the New School. Ellen was probably someone who had caught her fancy.
"How are you?" Ellen asked in a deep voice. The voice seemed to reek with sensuality and Carol was taken aback at the sexual tone that replied through it. "I never would have believed that Elizabeth had such a daughter!"
"Why?" Carol blurted without thinking.
Ellen was taken aback by the abruptness of Carol's remark, but she laughed and carried on. "I guess because your mother is young in so many ways herself!" Ellen said.
Yeah, Carol wanted to say. She's still a fucking spoiled kid. But aloud she said, "Oh."
"Come and sit with me," Ellen invited. "I've heard so much about you, I've been dying to meet you!" And she led the way towards another sitting room, off the main living room and much quieter. Shrugging her shoulders, Carol followed. There was no doubt in her mind that Ellen was a lesbian and this put the idea in her head that maybe her mother was too!
Wouldn't that have been a gas, Carol thought to herself. Her thoughts were becoming more and more reckless as the glasses of champagne kept coming towards her mouth and the memory of Lila stayed on the top of her mind.
In some ways, Ellen reminded Carol of Adrian and that was a pleasant thought, but Carol wasn't concerned right now with any new contacts. Ellen, however, was much more insistent.
"I understand that you're a junior art director at McMillian," Ellen said, naming the advertising agency that Carol worked for. Carol nodded.
"I was an art director myself," Ellen said, "though that was many years ago."
"Mmmm," Carol said, not furthering the conversation in the slightest.
Ellen glanced sideways at Carol and took another sip from her glass. She wondered about Carol's coldness, but found it oddly exciting. Her beauty automatically assured her interest.
Carol wished she had a joint with her, but she had forgotten to bring one up with her.
"Do you ever get stoned?" she asked Ellen suddenly.
Ellen looked as though she wasn't quite sure what Carol was talking about.
"You mean drunk?" she asked cautiously.
Carol laughed. "No, you know," she added, being more discreet than was necessary. After all, chances of Ellen being a NARC were pretty remote.
Ellen put her hand on Carol's thigh and leaned closer. "If you mean do I have any grass, the answer is yes!"
This totally delighted Carol. "You're kidding!" she exclaimed. "Well let's go on the terrace and smoke it!"
The two of them left the room, noticed only by Elizabeth Palm whose face darkened almost imperceptibly. Then she turned brightly back to her other guests.
Out on the terrace, Ellen and Carol were passing the joint between the two of them, enjoying the kind of immediate intimacy a shared joint can impart between two strangers.
Carol studied Ellen differently now that she was stoned. She was even beginning to feel attracted to her.
Ellen began talking about herself. Telling Carol how she lived in the Village, was an artist and had a summer place in Vermont.
"Why aren't you there now?!" Carol asked. It wasn't that she really cared. She was just trying to make conversation.
"I'm having a showing right now," Ellen explained modestly. "That's why I'm in the city."
Carol thought how nice it must be to have a place away and told Ellen this. "You're welcomed to come up there any time you please," Ellen said. "In fact, I understand that you live in the Village. Maybe we can share a cab back there later."
"Maybe we can," Carol said. She wanted suddenly to get away from Ellen. She didn't want anything to interfere with her plans of seeing Lila later.
Lila! Just thinking about her cheered Carol immeasurably.
"Excuse me," she said to Ellen. "I want to look at my old room."
The minute Elizabeth observed Carol splitting off in the other direction she was beside the sitting Ellen like a hawk.
"What did she say?" Elizabeth hissed.
Ellen, seeming to come out of a doped shock, turned to Elizabeth and smile. "Oh," she said. "I'm sure your daughter is gay."
A look of triumph crossed Elizabeth's strong features. "I thought so!" she crowed. "Well, if I can get her put away, that will help a lot!"
Ellen looked at Elizabeth. "Hey!" she said. "I'm gay too! So before you go acting like everyone who is queer, is queer, just remember who your friends are!"
Elizabeth gave a short laugh and embraced her friend quickly. "Oh, I, don't mean YOU!" she protested. "You know what I mean! After all, it IS an aberration and if I can find a friendly shrink I think I can arrange for a nervous breakdown type of tying!"
Ellen wasn't so quick to join in with her friend's elation. "I think you're being awfully hard on the girl," she said. "She seems all right to me!"
"Aha!" Elizabeth spat. "That's because you don't know her! If you had any idea of the grief that brat has caused me you would sign the petition right along with me!"
"I don't know," Ellen hedged, "it doesn't pay to be too greedy, you know."
"I don't want to talk about it right now," Elizabeth said, taking Ellen by the arm and steering her towards the dining room. "We'll talk about it tomorrow. I want you to call me and I want a full report on what happens tonight. Don't forget!"
Then Elizabeth's entire demeanor changed. She faced her assembled guests with all the grace and charm of a television hostess. Calling them to dinner, many of the guests put down their drinks with reluctance.
As for Carol, she was moping about her bedroom, relieving a lot of her lonely memories and anxious to get away from her mother's home.
Hearing the sound of silverware from the other room, she rejoined the guests, noting that her mother had made no special effort to call her to dinner!
Probably doesn't give a shit if I starve to death, Carol thought, bitterly stabbing a pea with her silver and popping it into her mouth.
Elizabeth observed her only daughter carefully. She knew it was unmotherlike, but she couldn't stand her. She had never wanted to have her and the fact of her pregnancy caused her to go on such a drunken binge it was amazing that Carol hadn't been born with a Martini in her hand.
As for Phil, the fact that he had knocked her up had been enough to cause her hatred for him forever. He was always trying to prove his masculinity to the point Liz thought he was a closet fag. "The trouble with you," she used to shout at him, "is that you've read too much Hemmingway!"
This was the worst possible thing Elizabeth could have said to Phil, and his hatred towards her was as keen as hers for him.
As far as Phil was concerned, Elizabeth was one step away from being a basket case. The only reason he had married her in the first place was because of a drunken bet he had made in college.
"Hey!" his friend had said. "If the two of you got each other's money, imagine what a life you could have? No work, just living and grooving on everyone else!"
The challenge had been too intriguing to Phil who was lazy by nature and a dreamer. He had managed to get Elizabeth drunk and married all in one evening, though it took a bit more effort to fuck her.
Drunk as she was, she had fought him off as though he was about to kill her instead of fuck her.
"You're not going to stick that thing in me!" she had screeched.
Phil had done everything in his power, short of throttling her, but she had won in the end. Eventually, as a kind of experiment, she had agreed to fuck him. Phil had saved up so much virile sperm, he had impregnated her on the spot and that was the beginning of the end.
She complained all through her pregnancy. Went to bed at night pounding her fists on her stomach and bemoaning the loss of her figure. She rode horses, skied, did everything imaginable in an attempt to abort Carol, but nothing had worked. In fact,, she was such a specimen of health, the only thing that prevented her from pursuing any of these sports was her large stomach.
As it turned out, Elizabeth's fortune was lost in the recession of '74 and Phil found himself truly wearing the pants.
He had seen to it that Carol was well taken care of, but as far as Elizabeth was concerned, he maintained her basic living expenses, period.
Now that Elizabeth felt she had something on Carol, she wasn't going to put up with her any longer. She would fight in court for her share, giving them a big line of bullshit and hoping that she got a judge she could take care of.
She had met Ellen at an opening and though Elizabeth was asexual and found everyone unappealing, she thought Ellen might help her
I entrap her daughter in a web of madness. Now, gazing surreptitiously at her daughter as she picked away at her food, Elizabeth smiled to herself, thinking how she would get rid of this apartment and live in Mexico.
After dinner, Carol begged off from having any after dinner drinks or conversation and attempted to split from her mother's stifling scene.
But Ellen was on her elbow like a leech, even going so far as to take her arm, leading her towards the elevator.
"No sense in us both riding down in different cabs," she said, and despite herself, Carol couldn't help but like this dark, Spanish-looking woman.
As they rode down in the cab together, Carol listened to Ellen's voice as she yapped away about her mother and the fun they had had together.
She felt very badly about her role in • Elizabeth's scheme, but she stood to profit by its success also.
"Why don't you come up to my place for a drink?" she invited once they were down on Fifth Avenue and Tenth.
"I can't," Carol said.
"Are you meeting someone?" Ellen asked.
Carol flushed. "As a matter-of-fact, I am," she admitted, happy for a chance to talk about her favorite subject.
Ellen took a deep breath. "Boy or girl?" she wanted to know.
This was an off the wall question if Carol ever heard one and she didn't like it. "What difference does it make?" she demanded.
The cab stopped then and Ellen had a chance to gather her thoughts. She couldn't let Carol get away. Even if it meant following her to wherever she was going. It just would be easier if they could go together.
Carol wanted to yell out that she was going to a gay bar and she wanted to hurry, but she stood patiently by as Ellen fumbled for an excuse to keep her with her,
"Come on," she begged. "Come upstairs for one drink. Then you can be off to meet your friends."
Carol hated the way her mother's friends always took this patronizing tone of voice with her. But she went along with it, for now.
Ellen's apartment was as nice as Carol knew it would be. She had a large work space for her sculptures and it was all done in good taste.
Ellen went to get the brandy and Carol kept looking at her watch. She had to see Lila that night. She just HAD too!
Ellen took a sip of her brandy, then placed her decanter down to turn on music. The room flooded with such soothing sounds that Carol almost forgot her eagerness to visit with Lila.
Then Ellen started to sing. Carol just couldn't believe it! Ellen was standing in the center of • the room, her feet spread apart on the Oriental rug in the classic position of voice students and she was singing with such power Carol was almost blown out of the room.
What the hell! Carol thought. She had never in her life seen anyone do this and she thought to herself once again how all her mother's friends were nuts.
One of the most disconcerting things about the way Ellen was singing was the way her piercing dark eyes kept boring into Carol's. Carol kept trying to avoid her gaze, but she found it increasingly difficult.
She wanted to yell Stop Looking at Me!, but the words stuck in her throat. Besides, it would be rude. If there was any major hang-up that Carol had, it was being rude and she was the rudest person inside that she knew of!
"Yes!" Ellen was bellowing. "IT'S BECAUSE of YOU!"
Carol never felt so relieved in her life when the song ended. But then Ellen was launching right into the next one. Carol got up to go to the bathroom, flushing the toilet loudly and running the water for a long time in an attempt to blot out the sounds emanating from the other room. Finally, it was impossible to stay in the bathroom any longer and Carol rejoined Ellen in the living room. She found her drinking her brandy.
Normally, Carol would have lied and said what a nice voice Ellen had, but she was so pissed at her for singing that way, the words died in her throat. She too took another sip of brandy.
Its warmth flowed through her, reminding her of the way she had felt that afternoon when she had been with Lila.
She wondered what Lila was doing right now. She hoped that she hadn't already left the Cat with someone new, leaving Carol to wonder when she would see her again.
Then Carol realized she didn't even know her last name or how to get in touch with her. Hopefully the gay crowd moving in the Village would be small enough so that she would run into her again, just in case she missed her tonight.
"I have to go," she said to Ellen. "I didn't know you sang."
"You mean they're related!" Ellen boomed out jovially. "I never pretended to be a professional!"
"Well, don't worry about it," Carol said.
"I'm not sure what you mean by that," Ellen said carefully. "But I don't mind telling you that I'd love to have you spend the night with me."
"You mean sleep with you!" Carol yelled. She began backing towards the door.
"Am I so repulsive?" Ellen asked, her voice becoming insinuating, and to Carol, evil.
"No," she protested. "You are a very attractive woman. It's just that I'm seeing someone else."
"I know," Ellen said.
"What do you mean?" Carol asked carefully.
"I know you're a lesbian," Ellen said. "So you don't have to pretend you're not to me. I am one too!"
"What do you want, some kind of award?" Carol asked. She was totally confused by this entire exchange, but she felt she was being threatened, nonetheless.
Ellen moved quickly towards Carol at that point, barring her escape with an arm that closed about her own like a steel trap.
"Hey!" Carol said. "What are you doing!"
Ellen's tone became conciliatory then. She hadn't planned on things happening like this at all!
She wanted to be friends with Carol. She wanted Carol to like her. And she also wanted to make Elizabeth happy. Ellen's outside appearance of wealth was not a stable impression. Only last week she had had a meeting with her lawyer and accountant that was very serious.
Elizabeth had promised to help her out financially, if she would help her out with Carol. And if there was anything Ellen didn't want threatened, it was her freedom to sculpt. Her freedom to work. And now, this fucking shit Carol was screwing everything up!
"Can I come with you?" Ellen asked. Her voice was pleading now and begging.
"I'm not sure you'd want to go where I'm going," Carol said hesitantly. "It's a gay bar. I mean, even though you're gay, all the women are much younger than you!"
Ellen laughed. "My tongue is not aged," she said. "My technique is better than ever!"
And she unlocked the door to the apartment. Carol walked along the sidewalk with Ellen wondering how the hell she was going to escape from her. She was the most persistent thing she had ever met in her life, and even though it annoyed her at the moment, she had to admire Ellen's tenacity.
The Purple Cat was not exactly a bar you'd see if you didn't know where it was. In fact, as often as Carol had been there, she was never sure she would find it until she found herself sitting inside.
It was about nine-thirty when they got there, so it wasn't any problem finding a table. Carol was as annoyed as hell that not only couldn't she see Lila, but that everyone might think she was dating Ellen!
Ellen took right over once they were seated, ordering the sullen waitress around and giving the impression that she was a rich dyke from the old school.
Carol slouched in her chair, obviously trying to pretend that she wasn't even with Ellen. Ellen noticed this with amusement, but she wasn't entirely put off by it. She felt like telling Carol if she didn't shape up, Ellen would fry her ass. For it had occurred to Ellen that if she could make friends with Carol, she wouldn't need Elizabeth's money
Meanwhile, Chris who had been Ellen's lover not that long ago was observing the way Ellen was carrying on in front of this young girl. Chris wasn't sure who Carol was, but she had seen her before in the Cat and had found her very attractive. However, at that time, Chris was still moping over Ellen and found it hard to see anyone as attractive. She puffed away on her cigarette, her grey eyes narrowing slightly from the smoke and her concentration.
She had lived with Ellen for two years, working while Ellen stayed home and sculpted. But all Ellen did was complain about her dwindling estate until Chris couldn't take it any longer. But she had been afraid to leave Ellen. Ellen was unlike anyone Chris had ever known.
As for Chris, a simple girl from Emerson, New Jersey, with longings she couldn't understand, a haven of compassion had been provided for her in the Village and the people she had met there.
She had grown in her appreciation of herself and no longer moved with the slouch many tall girls who feel awkward about their height affect.
Then, one day as she was returning from her job as a waitress, she had found Ellen in bed with another girl. Chris had recognized the girl as one of Ellen's models, but this didn't change the rage and fury that engulfed her being. She had thrown the skinny model out in no time at all, but dealing with Ellen had been more difficult.
To begin with, Ellen, (who was always bragging about her Spanish heritage), had a whip she was never far from. As Chris had advanced towards her nude body, Ellen had slashed out with the whip, warning Chris to stay back.
But Chris had continued to advance, intent on seizing Ellen by the throat and Wringing the last breath out of it. Consequently, Chris had the shit beaten out of her and Ellen was left without a mark.
That had been the end of their relationship and eventually Chris had found someone else. But her anger and hatred towards Ellen hadn't abated one bit. She approached their table now and asked Carol to dance.
Carol fairly flew into the arms of this blond angel that had appeared out of nowhere and before Ellen could protest, the two of them were moving around the dance floor, far from Ellen.
"Thanks!" Carol said, tilting her head back in order to look into Chris's eyes.
"I hate that cunt," Chris said. "Besides, you're cute!"
Carol laughed self-consciously. Big girls like Chris always made her feel like a little girl again.
"Why do you hate her?" Carol asked with interest. "Do you know her?"
She hoped that Chris did. The more information that she had on Ellen, the better as far as she was concerned.
"Very well," Chris said grimly. "We used to be lovers."
"No shit!" Carol exclaimed. She pulled back slightly from Chris. Chris noticed this right away and merely pulled Carol right back where she was.
"Do you come here often?" Carol asked. "I'm not sure, but I think I've seen you here before."
"I've been coming here lately," Chris said. "My new chick digs it."
"Oh," Carol said, feeling oddly disappointed. "So you're seeing someone right now?"
"Yes," Chris answered dreamily. "I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I asked you to dance just to get you away from Ellen."
"It's all right," Carol said. "I like someone else too. And I wanted to get away from Ellen"
"How did you happen to end up with her?" Chris asked curiously.
Carol told Chris about the earlier part of the evening and Chris nodded. "Yeah," she said. "You don't have to tell me how pushy that broad is! She almost ruined by life!" And as the music continued to sway in the background, Chris lost herself in the memories that flooded her brain.
Carol was content for her silence. Chris was providing her with an escape from Ellen and the opportunity to move around the dance floor which gave her a greater chance of spotting Lila.
Where the fuck was she? Carol wondered with annoyance. She moved closer to Chris. Chris was really nice. Maybe she would go home with Chris if her chick didn't show either.
She glanced through the smoke and saw Ellen talking with someone. Ellen seemed to be well-known in the bar, and many of the women were greeting her with warmth. Carol sighed as pressed against Chris. Chris had big tits, she thought to herself.