Chapter 3
It was an out and out lie and within an hour Stan would find her out. Toni paced the living room floor, searching desperately for an excuse to mitigate what she'd done. What had happened to the courage she'd felt all afternoon, she wondered. Where was that wonderfully rebellious spirit that had allowed her to even conceive the idea of buying a new car? Why was she so afraid of Stan's reaction, when he discovered that she'd traded in his car and that's why she couldn't pick him up at the station?
It didn't matter any more. Toni struggled to convince herself that Stan was no great loss. For the first time in seven years she'd gone and done something to make herself happy, without him. She'd earned that much, just by staying with him for so long. And if Stan didn't like it, he knew where the front door was. He could walk out any time.
That's what she would have liked to tell him. But even as she thought the words, Toni knew she'd never say them. Just like so many other things she'd never had the guts to say-things that she should have said before they were ever married.
It wasn't important. Toni silently scolded herself for even bothering to think about it again. It was only natural for Stan to assume that she'd been a virgin until he met her-and only natural that she'd never bothered to contradict him. What good would the truth do? Men enjoyed the idea of being the first in a girl's life-and in her bed. At least every man she'd ever known.
If only Stan didn't trust her so completely. If only he weren't so pathetically easy to handle. If only he didn't need her so much....
No time for wasted pity. Toni hardened as awareness returned. Soon he'd be coming through that door, filled with his childish anniversary bliss. Too bad she was going to have to spoil his good time.
She heard the squeal of rubber tires stopping in front of the driveway and automatically Tom glanced into the nearest mirror. Too bad the new car didn't fit into the garage, she thought, moving toward the bathroom to freshen her make-up. Then she could have taken her sweet time about choosing the moment best suited for explanations. Now she'd have to be ready for the battle the moment Stan walked into the house.
But she would be ready.
She smiled and locked the bathroom door behind her. Stan would undoubtedly be angry-but not angry enough to resist her completely. And as long as she could count on that, Toni felt confident that she could get away with anything.
The bright coral lipstick complemented the healthy glow that an afternoon in the fresh air had brought to her skin. She ran a comb through her long black hair, arranged a dip in place over her forehead and smiled at her own reflection. How long would he be able to think about the car, she asked herself, slyly. Then she opened another button at the front of her blouse, bringing the tops of her smooth round breasts into view. A dab of perfume completed the trap. Not for long, was the answer....
Stan didn't have a chance, Toni realized. She hadn't known it at the time, but she knew this now: There had been a reason behind her suddenly buying the new car. Her dreary days of accepting second best were over now, for good. And, after the car, there would be other things. Pretty things. Expensive things. Until the day she could look Irma Barnes in the eye and they would both know that a state of financial equality had been reached-and until the day she could look herself in the eye and feel there were still things in life worth waiting for.
And Toni knew then, that to achieve that goal, she didn't care what she had to do-or to whom. "Anybody home?"
The voice sounded friendly enough. Toni opened the bathroom door and told herself to relax. Maybe he hadn't noticed the car in his haste. "I'm right here, darling," she called in her sweetest voice. "Happy anniversary." That was good for an opener.
"Well, well, aren't you hot stuff?" Stan eyed her openly from top to toe and whistled softly between his teeth. "To what luck do I owe the possession of this gorgeous dish?"
Possession indeed! Toni forced herself not to laugh in his face. Men were so blind. "For those beautiful flowers." She hurried into her husband's arms and pressed herself close to his waiting body. He'd never have time to notice the one missing rose, she assured herself-the one that got broken when she'd lost control. "Thank you for remembering," she whispered against his damp collar.
"That's no way to thank a tired husband, just back from the office." Stan held her at arm's length and smiled down into Toni's eyes. Then his composure cracked. "Come over here."
Toni parted her lips willingly before his kiss and yielded to the strength of Stan's arms. At least he was in the right mood, she thought. That would make things considerably easier for her.
The tips of their tongues met inside her mouth. Toni pressed her breasts against the hardness of Stan's chest and rubbed herself slowly back and forth. No time to play games. She had to knock him over, right away. Once she'd aroused him, she could arrange anything she wanted.
"There's nothing wrong with us." Stan seemed to be talking to himself after their lips had parted.
"What was that?" Toni blinked up into his reddened face.
"Never mind." Stan's words were clipped. "Just do that again." He pulled her back against him and lowered his mouth to hers.
She ran the scarlet tips of her fingers through the small hairs at the nape of his neck and felt him tremble beneath her expert touch. He was very excited. She felt the arousal in the tenseness of his body ... heard it in the shortness of his breath ... tasted it in the crushing pressure of his mouth.
"Let's go into the bedroom," Stan whispered into her ear.
"What about dinner?" Toni pretended reluctance. She knew that would work him up even further.
"We'll talk about dinner later." Stan grabbed her shoulders and turned her around.
Obediently, she preceded her husband down the carpeted hall.
The Venetian blinds allowed only thin slats of light into the bedroom. Toni stared at them and listened to the door closing softly behind him as Stan entered the room. She never understood why he always closed the door, since they were the only two people in the house. But the act seemed to fit in with the rest of Stan's unnecessary caution about life, and so she never questioned it.
Anxious fingers slid over her waist and up the front of her soft blouse. She stopped thinking and waited as Stan pressed his body close up behind her. Then she closed her eyes and leaned back, silently giving him permission to explore further.
A trembling hand closed over her breast and squeezed uncomfortably. Toni held her breath and tried not to fidget. The afternoon had been long and warm. The air about them was close. And the last thing she wanted was to be felt up while she was standing in a pair of high heels.
"You like this, don't you?" Stan revolved his palms in slow, rhythmic circles across the points of her breasts.
"You know I do," she crooned, positive that he'd believe what he needed to, whatever the truth was.
"I'm glad that we agree on some things," he whispered, pressing his mouth to her soft, sweet-scented hair.
Toni didn't pursue the meaning behind his last remark. Instead, she exercised her patience to the breaking point as Stan slid his fingers down beneath the open neckline of her blouse and into the moist valley between her breasts. The material of her bra strained around the imposing presence of his knuckles. Toni wondered if the garment was going to tear. It wouldn't be the first time. But then, she assured herself, she'd be able to afford more clothes, soon. If everything went right.
The idea had begun as a passing thought, about a month ago. But now, in the middle of Stan's ardor, with his hands massaging her breasts to unwilling life and his hips pressing tighter and tighter against her behind, it made itself clearly known to her. Seven thousand dollars a year was nice, but nothing spectacular. What Stan needed was a different job-or an advancement in his present one.
But what could she do to convince him of that, Toni asked herself, while Stan worked to pull the bottom of her blouse out of her skirt. He had the courage of a flea. How could she inspire him to act like a man and go out and do what she wanted him to?
The answer came immediately, and brought with it the usual distaste that accompanied unpleasant necessities. She'd have to do the same thing she'd always done-evoke a promise from his hesitant lips. There was only one way to get him to act like a man. And that was for her to act like a woman-exactly what she was about to do, anyway.
"Let me take care of that, darling." She urged his hands from the back of her brassiere and turned herself around to face him. "Why don't you just go over to the bed and sit down? I'll only be a moment." She leaned forward and ran the tip of her tongue between his parted lips. She felt him shake and for a moment, Toni thought she was going to be raped.
Deadpan and silent, Stan walked to the bed and sat down. Toni watched him and knew that he was out of this world. All traces of common sense had deserted him. Sex was the center of his entire being-exactly what she wanted. The perfect climate in which she could conquer.
"Now was this what you wanted?" Toni slipped her blouse off with exaggerated motions and reached behind for the clasps on her bra. She saw his eyes, glued to her skin and she knew she couldn't wish for a more captive audience. "How am I doing?" she asked, hunching her shoulders forward and smiling languidly as the lacy pink brassiere fell to the rug.
Stan's eyes widened at the sight of her huge, naked breasts bobbing in front of him. "Am I too far away?" Her voice was soft, taunting, in the middle of a very hot room. Swinging her hips provocatively, she crossed to stand in front of Stan, whose eyes hadn't moved from her swaying breasts.
"So beautiful," he gasped and pressed his dry mouth to the rigid points of her darkened nipples. "So beautiful...."
Toni sighed and recalled the days when that sort of love-making used to excite her-the days before she viewed it only as a means to an end. She heard Stan whisper something between her breasts, but she didn't listen. She was sure that whatever he was saying, she'd heard it a dozen times before.
Uncontrolled hands rushed to her knees and pushed Toni's skirt up toward her hips. "Come on now," Toni blurted, caught off guard by Stan's sudden rush of desire. She'd always been able to control him in the past-when she had to.
Stan seemed not to have heard her. Beneath her clothes, he fought his way to her thighs and loosened her stockings. Then he pulled her down onto the bed beside him.
Toni slipped off her shoes and decided not to fight. What was the point? The end would be the same anyhow. Let him act like a cave man, if that was his pleasure. Let him do whatever he wanted. The privilege was going to cost him plenty.
She lay quietly on her back as he covered her naked breasts with hot, moist kisses. She raised her hips as he pulled her panties down toward her knees, finally discarding them. And then ... her skirt followed the rest of her clothing.
Naked and bored, she waited for him to make the next move. When he didn't, she glanced up to see what was the matter.
Stan sat, as if mesmerized by the sight before him. Very slowly, his glance traveled downward along the damp softness of Toni's black hair to the creamy-white allure of her round shoulders ... to the high, ample proportions of her voluptuous breasts ... across her flat stomach to her long, shapely legs. It was as if he couldn't absorb enough. As if he were trying to commit every detail of her body to memory, just in case they never met again.
Toni reached up and touched his mouth with her fingers. An eerie, uncomfortable feeling pervaded her body. She didn't like being stared at that way by him-the way he stared intensely at something he was about to paint once and then dismiss from his life forever. One canvas worth and then good-bye....
"Got another kiss for your wife?" She heard a strange edge of pleading in her own tone and wondered what had caused it.
Stan snapped out of his silence and leaned over her body. "Anytime," he whispered, and then covered her mouth with his own.
Toni closed her eyes and concentrated on her image of Stan the way he was when they were first married. She knew that was a dangerous thing to do ... that depression always followed, but she couldn't help herself. She knew it was the only way. Nothing else would work. Not if she wanted to....
A sudden, welcome heat raced up through her legs and blossomed at the insides of her thighs. She reached around and pulled him on against her, working her hips closer to his body, digging under his shirt to get to his flesh....
As if sensing her sudden burst of life, he pulled her arms away from his body and pressed them back against the bed. Then he began to kiss his way down past her ear ... over her throat ... onto her breasts....
"Not now," Toni snapped, possessed by an incontestable need to reach the end of her frenzied journey as quickly as she could.
Stan wouldn't listen. Slowly, methodically, he rubbed his lips over her churning flesh until his mouth rested on the soft curve of her hip.
Toni shook with explosive forces that had suddenly erupted inside her body. She knew what he was about to do, and she even knew why, but it didn't help. He was trying to please her. She had taught him long ago, in one of their uninhibited moments, that there was more than one way to....
Toni gritted her teeth and tried to control the obscenities rising to her throat. She had taught him, dammit. He had no right to take advantage. No right to strike out on his own without her permission....
Her heels slammed against the side of the bed as she tried to adjust herself to Stan's new closeness. The room had become an oven-and her husband had become a tormentor. With the last of her controllable energies, she called out to him, begging....
It worked. Stan backed off. She slid herself further up onto the bed, as she listened to the welcome sounds of his undressing.
His body seemed to bury her beneath its hugeness. She dug her nails into the unyielding hardness of his back as he positioned her for the final surrender. Then her cries mingled with his as they fought their way toward fulfillment....
"Happy anniversary, baby," he rasped. And then with one violent shudder, he collapsed on top of her.
And then it was gone. Her body went cold.
Toni opened her eyes wide, only to see Stan's smiling, sweat-streaked face disgustingly close to her own. What had happened, she asked herself, as her body threatened to shatter beneath the force of her thwarted desire. What had gone wrong?
Hysteria approached.
Toni knew the answer. And she knew also, that there was nothing she could do to reverse what he'd done. All it had taken was Stan's voice, reminding her that he wasn't that same college boy any more-and that she wasn't that starry-eyed nothing of twenty-one. Desire was annihilated by the presence of reality.
Suddenly, she hated everything and everybody in the whole world. And most of all herself.
"Are you all right?" he gasped, fighting to catch his breath.
Instinctively, she knew it was time to put on the act again. "You bet I'm all right." She tried to sound satisfied as she gently urged him off and away from her tired flesh. "You always make me feel good."
"Do I?" Stan looked a little suspicious.
"Sure you do." Toni sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. "And if you're really interested, I could tell you how to make me feel even better...."
"Just name it."
Stan looked to her like an eager little boy, waiting to be taught a new game. And that was just fine with her.