Chapter 10
"Before I joined the order, even before I started college I was putting out. Started back in high school when I realized I had something guys wanted. That I was sitting on a gold mine and why should I just give it away, when they'd pay for it. And I was good. Turned the trick more times than my girlfriends imagined. No one even knew other than the guys, that is. I made sure of that. Only made it with the richest guys who's father's would have killed them if they'd known. Know what I mean?"
"Anyways, I went off to college, and my parents, not being from money, well I didn't want to take their last bit of money, so I told them I'd gotten a job waiting on tables. Minneapolis was quite a town-got a job, go-go dancing in a truck stop bar off the main drag. Pulled in $200-$250 a week making it with the transient drivers preferred it that way, was straight with the college guys-didn't want to take any chances with my career. Fucked my eyes out on the weekends. I'm surprised that they believed me Monday mornings when I told them I had been horse back riding all weekend. Those were still the days when there were such things as nice girls and bad girls.
"For three and a half years of college I supported myself shacking up with truckers, then, as luck would have it, I met a guy that knocked me on my heels. I stopped putting out and moved in with him. He never knew what I had been doing or how I had paid for my room, books and tuition. I told him my folks were paying and he believed me.
"After graduation, when I moved to Chicago, he wrote me for over a year. He had gotten a job in Cleveland, working in the accounting office of one of the local Steel Mills. He wanted to get married. I thought I did too, and so we did. He moved to Chicago and got a great job. It was a small wedding-his folks and mine and Jay and Paula, our two best friends who stood up. For two months it was heaven. Then the bomb fell.
"Out of the clear blue, he tells me he never really loved me. That he thought sea with women was wrong and to top that, he and his good buddy Jay ran off together to live happily ever after. He cleaned out the checking and savings accounts and took the car, leaving me flat broke in the middle of summer-and me on the ten month pay plan. Fuck, I felt like I was up shit creek without a paddle.
"I had been had and I didn't like it! I needed bread, the green kind and fast. My body was firm and my hair was long and I still caught guys giving me the once over. So, I started hustling. Made good stuff, met some dudes, then got busted. Hallelujah. No pun intended, Doctor. Spent six months repenting, compliments of the State. Lot of things happened inside my head while in stir, and when I came out I was completely changed. As you can tell by my wardrobe, my life took on a new style, a new meaning.
"Well, just over two-and-one-half years ago, right before my parents were killed in the car accident, two unsuspecting friends, friends that once were separated, met again. In church, one of the truck drivers I used to ball quite heavily-we really hit it off-moved unbeknown to me, into my parish with his family. We bumped into each other during one early morning mass. I spotted him immediately. It took him quite a while longer to recognize my firm round hips and large breasts beneath this veil. But he must have had Super-man's x-ray vision, because he did. You should have seen the look on his face when he first saw me. Wish to God I had had a camera.
"We talked and he made me a proposition. Give it to him regularly and he'd keep his mouth shut. Having been recently divorced, I had no leverage over him. I was scared-confused. The holy mother nor the church knew anything about my sex antics. If they found out, I think I'd be out for good. No convent would take me. I panicked. One night after visiting a sick parishioner in the hospital, I stopped back at the chapel to say a prayer for his health. It was fall and it was dark at six PM. I was entering the doorway when he jumped out of the bushes, stone drunk. He could hardly stand, as weak as he was, he pulled me into the bushes beside the old, aged stone grey ivy covered church and raped me. What bothered me was not the rape. A virgin I wasn't. The fact that I, down deep inside, enjoyed it-the first. lay I'd had in God knows how long, scared me. That's what petrified me. A nun enjoying sex! A mortal sin! I told no one. Shortly after, he left town. He wasn't so drunk he didn't remember what he had done, but it must have really bothered him be-cause he'd left $200 to the Childrens' Charity Fund right before he left. And for him to give anything away other than his sperm, was a miracle.
"The so-called rape, my subconscious desire to sleep with him again, my parents' death leaving me alone, all happening at approximately the same time, was too much. The dreams started. I started to see men, members of the parish as sex partners. My nipples would harden and rd look-stare at the bulges in men's pants. I was to say the least confused. That's why I called. That's why I am here, Doctor."