Chapter 11
In many cases of mental illness, cause and effect are difficult to separate. Those cases involving incest are doubly difficult. Was an incestuous relationship a symptom of an emotional disturbance? Or did the guilt and other feelings arising from the relationship cause the person to develop problems?
Through many case studies, we have found that in the majority of incidents, the incestuous relationship was merely a symptom of a greater problem.
John L. was discovered having intercourse with his sister Jill by their mother. John was eighteen; Jill was sixteen. Immediately after the discovery John went into a catatonic state. Mrs. L. learned from her daughter that John had forced her to submit to his advances by threatening her. The girl refused to discuss exactly what kind of threats were involved.
After a great deal of discussion, the L.'s committed their son to a mental hospital. The boy was extremely unresponsive to treatment at first, refusing to speak to anyone. Hoping to find a clue to the boy's disturbance, the doctor supplied him with paper and pen, explaining to him that he could write anything that came into his head.
John began to write, and kept up his diary throughout his treatment. The entries were not dated although it was written over a period of six months. Except for repetitions we present it in its entirety, hoping that it will shed further light on our study of incest.
"Shit. Those bastards put my ass in a bughouse for a piece of gash. Then the motherfuckers want to hear all about it. I wonder how much they get. I can just see that creepy shrink fucking his wife. If he could get one. They just want to hear all about it. They sit there and tell me to talk to them. Why the fuck should I? Nosy bastards.
"Just to get things straight, right from the start, there isn't a damn thing the matter with me. Nothing at all.
"I got sick of being such a good boy. That's what she always said. I have such a nice son, so well behaved. And such an angel daughter. Shit. All the time I get thrown at me what a sweet kid Jill is. When she's spreading her legs for every stud around. But they don't know that. They don't know what kind of a trampy daughter they have. I would've told them, too. Told them all about their sweet angel. Yeah, she tastes sweet all right, especially between her legs. Her gash is red and wet and hot, hot for anyone.
"I wonder what the hell she tells them about me now. Her awful brother. As though she didn't like it. I can remember her squeals and moans when I rammed my prick inside her. And the way her red-hot cunt worked over it while she came. I'll bet she don't tell them anything about that. No sir, little angels don't fuck.
"These fucking doctors, always wanting to know all about how things were when you were a kid. I can tell you—lousy. My old man's an ass, that's for sure. I used to hear him, whining and begging my mother to let him slip it in her. And she just told the poor old fart that he didn't have any respect for her. As if that has anything to do with it.
"But that was the big thing. All women go up on some kind of pedestal. You can look but don't touch. Hell, I remember when I was a little kid and tried to give my mother a big kiss. Even then she wasn't having any. Oh, no, I might get her precious clothes wrinkled.
"I'd like to shit all over her clothes, even now. Take one of her fancy dresses and let loose a big fat turd on it. Then rub it in, get it all over the dress until it's all brown and shitty. Then let her put it on. Just let her know that something real is happening, that people do shit and not very politely go to the little boy's room or little girl's room.
"Sometimes I think I'd like to shit on her. Right on her naked body. On her tits; yeah, that's it. Plant a load right between them and rub it all over her boobs, turning them all brown and mushy and dirty. Then I'd take some and smear it in her clean cunt. Let her know it's there for a reason, not just to pee out of and keep clean.
"The half-assed doctor wants to know when I heard about sex. I guess he means fucking but it's hard to tell. They act like they're afraid of words like that around here. Oh, it's all right for me to bad mouth and talk about fucking and cunts but they won't dirty their lips. The hell with them.
"Anyway, who knows when I learned about sex? Not me, that's for sure. My folks sure didn't tell me much. Oh, after I already knew that a guy rams a girl and drops his load inside of her they gave me a sweet, polite little talk on how it just wasn't nice. I felt like asking them how the hell I got born. Did they do something that dirty?
"That's what I'd really like to know. Just how did my sweet mother feel when my old man shoved it into her? In and out, just as hard as he could, and all the time having to look at her prune face. She probably just lay there looking blank while the poor sucker kept giving it to her. Twice, they did it, once for me and once for Jill. Two kids is a nice number, we don't have to do it again. Hell, I can hear her saying that just like they were next to me. I can even see them if I close my eyes and lay back. What a couple of assholes they were.
"But for a hell of a long time I believed their crap. It was nice being such a good boy and having such a sweet sister. Yeah. The model kids. I never even took a girl out until I was almost seventeen. And then I must have seemed like a real jerk.
"Her name was Isabel and she was built like a brick shithouse. Boobs out to there. She bounced all over the place, she was so big. And a cute little ass on her, too. When she walked she really shook it. Just looking at her made my prick feel like screwing her. So I asked her for a date.
"Right before I left, my mother had a little talk with me. She told me to be very nice to the girl so she would like me. And some shit about not trying to kiss her on the first date because that wasn't polite. I might insult the chick and of course I didn't want to do that.
"By the time I picked her up I was going nuts. Hell, I was so scared I felt like I had to take a leak every other minute. I took her to a show and spent most of the time trying not to stare at her tits. I wanted to hold her hand but I was too chickenshit to even do that. But she knew what was happening. She put her hand on my leg right above the knee. I almost jumped out of my skin. I didn't know what the fuck to do so I just gave her a weird look. She took her hand away.
"After the show I took her right home, just like mamma said. Outside her door my body was just aching to kiss her, hold her, feel her tits pressed against me. So what did I do? Not a damned thing. I thanked her for the good time and went home. She wouldn't talk to me after that. I heard later that she was faster'n hell and figured a date without fucking was just a waste of time. But it was too late then.
"That night I jacked off. I didn't do it too often—just when things got really rough. It was great, watching my cock swell up till it was big and hard. It felt so good to just keep rubbing it and touching it until I creamed all over the place. Then I got scared. What if mother saw my messy, smelly sheets? She would know I'd creamed all over the place. What could I do? She would think I was some kind of sex fiend.
"I watched Jill growing up. She got prettier every day. When I first saw her tits begin to sprout I couldn't believe it. She had always been such a little kid. We got along and shit like that. We were both such good kids, that's why.
"Her boobs got big, as big as Isabel's, before I knew it. Shit, when that kid was fifteen she could have passed for twenty. Or even older. And you'd better believe all the guys were after her. She had more dates than she could keep track of. And before each one of them, my folks had to meet the boy, to give him a good cross-examination. How old are you? What does your father do? Do you have any hobbies? What they really wanted to know was whether or not he was going to try fucking their daughter. But they never asked that.
"She had me fooled too. I never even thought that any of those guys kissed her or anything. I thought she was pure and sweet and innocent. The only nice girl in the world. But she wasn't. She could spread her legs just as well as any other broad, maybe even better.
"The first time I thought there might be some funny business going on was one night when she came home from a date. After everyone was supposed to be asleep, she barged into my room and woke me up. She wanted to hear all about the movie she was supposed to have seen. Mother always wanted to hear all about them, not because she suspected a damned thing. But she never went and Jill has a funny way of telling stories. I don't.
"I started telling her and then I asked her why she wanted to know. She got a funny look on her face and her eyes got small as a weasel's. She muttered something about how they decided to go to a party instead and she hadn't felt like calling home. That's a thing about my folks—they have to know where you are every minute of the whole damned day.
"The next morning at breakfast she told them the bit about the movie and they laughed and looked pleased with their darling daughter. But I got to thinking. Jill had lied to them. She hadn't wanted them to know where she had been. If she lied, then she couldn't be such a nice girl.
"That was when I got my brilliant idea. I decided to follow her for a while, just like a detective. I had to know what the hell she was up to. If she wasn't nice, why the hell should I be? If she could kiss and crap around with guys, I should be doing the same thing with girls. It didn't even cross my mind then that she was going any further than that.
"So the next time she went out, I told my folks I was going to a show. I left before they did, her and her boyfriend, and parked up the street. Then I followed them. I knew they were supposed to be going ice skating. After they passed the edge of town, I knew that wasn't where they were headed. But I just about shit when I saw them stop at a shady motel outside of town. That meant only one thing—that my sister was going to spread her legs for that guy. I sat in the car for the longest time, picturing that bastard on top of her, hot and heavy. I could almost see him thrust his cock into her, running it in and out of Jill's body. When I saw him come I sort of blanked out for a few minutes.
"I stayed there in the car, sitting and thinking about her cunt and his cock, her pussy with his prick inside of it, his rod ramming her gash. The words kept going through my mind, cunt, pussy, snatch, gash, tramp, whore, easy lay, piece of ass—and they all meant my sister. My sweet sister who couldn't do a damn thing wrong.
"They came out two hours later. The bastard she was with looked like he had the time of his life in there with Miss Innocence. And she looked like the rotten pig she was. Her hair was still messed up a little and she wasn't walking straight. I could just imagine his come slowly dripping out of her cunt in drops—drip, drop, drip, drop, until it was all gone. Then getting washed down the drain as the angel rinsed her little panties out before she went to bed. When she started doing that, my mother made such a big deal out of it. If she only knew the reason why.
"I didn't sleep much that night. I tried to figure out what to do. I wanted to tell my mother what a tramp her little angel was. Jill gets fucked, kept going around and around in my head until I couldn't stand it. I wanted to run out of my room and scream it, yell it so loud that all the neighbors could hear me. Then maybe I could be normal.
"I wanted to fuck a girl so bad that it was all I thought about. Every time a cute chick walked by I felt like taking her in my arms and kissing her, and rubbing her tits and feeling her gash. But I couldn't. They might be nice. And what would they do then? Scream and run. I wouldn't get my stick inside them at all. I didn't know who was nice anymore. I thought Jill was but she was just a tramp. What if all girls were tramps? I could be fucking a girl every night. But I couldn't tell the difference. What is the difference?
"The fucking doctors keep asking my why I fucked my sister. They don't know about her yet. I might tell them sometime, or maybe not. If they knew they would understand. Jill is the only girl I'm sure of. I knew she wasn't nice. She was just an easy lay for a lot of guys. I was too chicken to try to fuck a girl who might be nice. With Jill I knew.
"I'll never forget the first time I screwed her. They were out, at some frigging PTA meeting. I walked into the little bitch's room and told her I was going to fuck her. She just laughed at me. She sat there on the bed and laughed. I fixed her all right. I gave her a slap that left a mark across her cheek for hours. Then I told her she was nothing but a dirty little tramp. Since she was putting out for anyone else, why should I be excluded? She muttered something about my being her brother and shit like that. I told her to can it. Then I told her if she didn't put out I would tell them just what she was. That scared the hell out of her, I'll tell you.
"I got on the bed and stripped off all her clothes. I'd never seen a naked girl before and I'd been missing out on a lot. Her tits were like melons, ripe and juicy. I took them in my hands and played with them, watching her nipples get all hard. I sucked on them a little and that's when the change came over her. She gave a little moan and relaxed, spreading her legs wide open.
"I stared at her a lot, that first time. I wanted to see everything, her bare tits, her furry patch, and the inside of her cunt. It was red and hot and wet—a good gash. A ripe, red slit that was waiting for me to dive inside.
"I was hard then, hard and ready to slip it to her. I got out of my clothes and played around with her some more. I sucked on her tits and bit them hard and she still liked it. She liked everything I did to her, especially when I covered her cunt with my hand and pressed down.
"I played around, rubbing her pussy hard. While I was doing it, I felt her love-button get hard and swollen, reaching up to my fingers like a little cock.
"While I was doing that, I kept my mouth fastened on her tit. Her nipples were red and hard and looked just like twin strawberries on top mountains of cream. And her gash—hell, I could feel it move and twitch under my hand.
"She'd stopped fighting me by then and took my cock in her hand. It sure felt different than when I did it myself. Her fingers were so soft and she fluttered them down the length of my shaft. She even went round back and gave my balls a few squeezes. That drove me wild.
"I could tell she was ready for me—shit, her cunt was dripping juice all over the place. God, did she ever have a gushy slit. I loved the feel of it and the look of it and everything about it. I just wanted to keep on touching it forever, it felt that good.
"My cock wanted the same thing, to sink my meat down into her, deep inside her cunny. She wanted it too, I know she did. Her hand kept trying to drag my prick down to her slit, trying to get me inside of her. The little tramp, willing to let any cock get down there between her legs.
"So I got on top of her and slipped it in. I almost creamed right then, it felt so good. It was wet and soft and mushy and warm and all that wet softness was wrapped all around my cock. I just kept still for a while so I could feel her all around me.
"I started humping, going faster and faster with every stroke. Running in and out of her pussy, in and out and in and out feeling her softness grab me every time I plunged it in.
"I looked at her trampy face as I did it. She lay there with her mouth open breathing hard, looking just like the pig I knew she was. But I had done it too, I was fucking a girl. I wasn't any nicer than she was and that made me feel good. We were the same and I was inside of her, feeling her cunt around me.
"I didn't last a hell of a long time, that first time we fucked. I wanted to, to stay inside her cunny and never leave, but I couldn't. So I pounded it into her, harder and harder until I came. I spurted all my cream inside her and slowly went limp. But she just didn't stop. Her hole kept on getting big and little around my cock, grabbing it like she had teeth inside of her.
"Her face was something else. She looked like something was hurting her like hell but I knew it wasn't. She kept on coming and coming, the little bitch. Sucking my cock deep inside her like it was hers and she could do whatever the hell she wanted to with it. She loved it, just loved the whole thing.
"The shrinks are still after me to tell them every damn thing. It's getting easier, sort of. But it's still hard to answer everything. Like how often I fucked Jill. As if I was the only one getting into her pants.
"I don't know how often I slipped it inside her. Whenever I got the chance. They didn't go out too often—my folks are anything but swingers. And Jill was dumb as hell about it all, too. She came and she loved to get fucked but every damn time I went near her she gave me a big hassle. A lot of crap about how brothers and sisters shouldn't do it with each other. Shit, it wasn't like I was the only one.
"Even with all her lip I got it in. Hell, she was like a bitch in heat. As soon as I started playing around with her tits or diddling her clit she forgot all that crap. She spread her legs wide open and waited for me, wanted me to climb on top of her and fuck her and fuck her and fuck her till she came and screamed and yelled and squeezed my cock. If you want to know the frigging truth, that was all she cared about, getting fucked. Some nice girl. Some sweet little angel. But I showed them. I showed all of them.
"I wanted them to know just what kind of sweet kids they had. My mother thought it was some kind of accident that she caught us. Well, let her think that, I don't care. She'll never know that I wanted her to see it.
"I picked a time when I knew she wouldn't be gone long. I lied to Jill and rubbed her tits and she didn't care anymore anyway. I took a long time getting her ready, stalling as long as I could. Then I climbed on and banged her, all the while thinking that soon they would know. They would really get the message when they walked in and found me on top of her, balling her as hard as I could.
"She came in and found us all right. As soon as I saw her I went into some kind of daze. I wanted to scream at her, to tell her what kinds of good kids she had. But I couldn't. I just couldn't say a goddamn thing. So I sat there and told her in my mind. I yelled and screamed and shouted but no one could hear me. Shit, I didn't care. I just didn't give a damn. She saw us so she knew. That was all I cared about, as long as she knew.
"This morning I finally said it out loud. I told that man that I hate my mother. That cold, wet baggy bitch. She never wanted a real kid. She didn't want me or Jill or anyone else, not even my dad. Hell, she's just been playing with us, making us into the kind of people she thought her kids should be. It didn't matter what we were—she wanted sweet, nice sexless things just like herself. She stopped my dad from having fun and she tried to stop me. And Jill.
"And my dad—I hate him too, for letting her get away with it. He could have stopped her somehow, turned her into a woman instead of a machine. But I guess she fooled him too. Made him think he should be nice and sexless. That's what she thinks nice is—sexless.
"I've been thinking. Maybe Jill isn't really an awful tramp. Or a bad person. I know now that sex isn't a bad, evil thing. She just learned it sooner and easier than I did. Maybe it's easier for a girl since she has so many guys after her. Why shouldn't she fuck if she wants to? It's a good thing and it feels nice. As long as she can take care of herself and not get knocked up it's none of my business.
"I don't think I want to fuck her anymore though. There must be plenty of other girls around. Nice girls, not tramps, who just aren't all hung up about sex. Girls who don't think it's evil and bad. I don't think too many girls do think that way.
"I might be leaving here soon. I hope so. If and when I do, I'm not going back home, to be my mother's nice boy. I'll get a job and find a small place of my own. I'm old enough to take care of myself now. And after I get settled, or maybe even before, I'll find a girl. And then maybe I'll be happy."
Soon after this last entry, John was released from the hospital. He found a job in a department store and is going to school at night. He lives alone in a small apartment and dates occasionally. Although he still has some problems from time to time, he is adjusting quite well.