Chapter 19

Dad rubbed his eyes as I entered the kitchen. "How is she?" He stirred his coffee idly. He really didn't care.

She'll be asleep in a few minutes. I gave her two of the strong ones." I put the two plastic medicine containers of sleeping capsules on the counter and sat on the stool beside him. I glanced at the gold-cased Acutron on his right wrist. Four-ten in the morning. We had just gotten back from the emergency hospital. "I don't think she should have control of these."

He nodded. He yawned. "You keep them. I never thought she'd do anything like that."

"I guess she was desperate."

"You shouldn't have told her you were leaving so soon."

"What should I have done-just disappeared."

"You promised us two weeks."

"It would have happened then instead of now. She'll do anything to keep me, and you."

He grunted. His gray hair was awry. He wore pajamas under his pants and jacket. No socks, just tan suede loafers. "Think she'll try it again?"

"Yes, if she thinks it'll gain her something."

"I think she's going insane." He stared at the stove. "She has to have someone here with her."

"You can hire a nurse-"

"Juli-"

" or a live-in housekeeper-companion."

" she's your mother!"

"She's your wife."

"I have a business to run!"

"Not at night."

"We'd only fight if I stayed around here! It would only make things worse."

I had the closed-in feeling again, the sensation of being pushed into a cage. He was trying to chain me to her! "Dad, I can't stay!"

"Why not? What is so terrible about living here? This is a nice house! Good food! Color television!"

"What about college? You and mother wanted me to go back."

"Oh, yes ... well, I'm afraid that'll have to wait. Maybe by January things'll have straightened out ... "

"You want me to be a slave to her, and you! You have your freedom from her but I'm to be stuck here! That's not fair!"

"Life isn't always fair, honey. You have to take the bad with the good. There are responsibilities "

"You really quote the cliches when you want to get your way, don't you?" I was scornful.

"I'm sorry, Juli. I know how you feel, but "

"But I'm stuck." I slid off the stool and wandered around the kitchen. The prison. "Dad, she didn't intend to bleed to death! It was an act! Just to set up what's happening now! Just to tie me to her, and you, too, if possible."

"She did cut her wrists."

"But not badly. Not enough to really bleed. It was just a maneuver!"

"Maybe so. But next time ... "

"This is just submitting to blackmail! I won't stay!"

"You have to! Listen, Juli, honey, I'll look around for someone, a companion for her, but it'll take a few weeks to get the right person. Surely you can stay that long! It won't be so bad. David'll be over a lot to keep you company. I'll visit. Your mother isn't so bad if you handle her right. And, listen, I'll get you a new stereo. And new records. How's that? Okay?"

A frantic little animal was in me, squealing, trying to get out. The animal was me! Why couldn't I just walk away?

"I've got to get some sleep. Got to open the store at nine." He sipped his coffee and then headed for the side door. His car was just outside. "Things'll work out, honey. You'll see." He yawned. He went out, shut the door, backed the wagon out, drove away. Silence.

And I hated him, too! I wanted to break something! I threw his coffee cup against the wall and gained a small satisfaction from the sound of it shattering and the spattered coffee on the pale rose wall. But I knew I'd have to pick up and clean up later in the day.

I checked on mother and saw she was sleeping.

I fell into bed and began to cry.

The next day, that same day actually, in the early afternoon, I went into mother in her room, and said, "I have to go to the store. We need milk and bread and some kind of meat for tonight."

Her bandaged wrists were a shock of white gauze and tape. "Of course, dear. Take what you need from my purse."

I took five dollars, went out to the garage, and wheeled out my Honda. It had a carrier on the back and stretch ropes to tie down a package or bag. I really enjoyed riding it.

But this time I couldn't get it to start. I kicked the pedal till my leg was exhausted. Phut-putt-putt......Phut-phut-putt-putt. ... Endlessly. I decided I'd have to use the car. I started back into the house to get the keys from mother.

I was not intentionally quiet, but I was wearing sneakers and I didn't make a lot of noise opening and closing the kitchen door, which is pretty far from her bedroom anyway, so she didn't hear me enter and didn't hear me approach her partly open door.

She was talking on the phone, so her attention was diverted there.

I heard my name mentioned. I stopped to listen.

". . . see my wrists, Mary! All bandaged."..."Well, they sting! but I didn't cut anything vital."..."No" ... But she was going to leave again! My own daughter wouldn't stay with me! I wouldn't tell anyone in the world but you, Mary. I had to do something!"..."A hippie, I think."..."He must be something in bed, is all I can say."..."I don't know where she gets it. Not from me! Probably from Robert and his side of the family. All he can think about is sex, too."..."No, I should say not! I cut him off a long time ago. I wouldn't let him touch me.

Dirty, filthy business! I wish "..."Well, let him! I don't care if he screws around but to 'fall in love' ... that's too much! I frankly can't understand why he wants a divorce! He can have as many outside affairs as he wants "..."Yes, the little bitch is the same way. You should have heard her with David last night-David Krayne, her boy friend-a big, husky boy ... just moaning and groaning in there on her bed ". . . "I'm surprised the whole neighborhood didn't hear her! It's unnatural to enjoy it that much! I never got anything out of it at all, but then, Robert never was much of a lover as far as style goes."..."Well, you know ... stick it in, puff and grunt, and that's it."..."Mary! No, never! I'm surprised you can even suggest it!"..."That isn't the way I was raised! That's awful! Ugh! Just the thought of it "..."I wouldn't be surprised if she does it. With those hippies. They've probably taught her every perversion in the book."..."No, I won't permit it! I can't!"..."Oh, I'll get him back, don't you worry. He'll find out how expensive it is. Then when he talks to my lawyer! I'd like to see his face! I'll take the house ". . . "I'll win, Mary. I have to. I will! I couldn't go on living in this city if he goes ahead with it and she leaves. I couldn't face anybody!"..."How would you feel if your family moved out on you? They're shouting to the world that I'm impossible to live with, a failure as a wife and mother-"..."Well, if it was only one of them. But both!"..."I'd just have to move. But I could still get another man. I'd just have to take off a few pounds and buy a few new dresses. I'm only forty-one, you know. I've still got a figure..."..."That would be his tough luck, wouldn't it? Once I had him "..."Every woman fakes that! I never once got any pleasure from it!"..."I don't want to talk about it, Mary."..."I simply don't believe you!"..."Well, I suppose Juli is going to be a prostitute! She'll end up a little two-bit whore. All this enjoyment of sex!"..."She's nothing but a selfish, ungrateful, whiny, sniveling little sex-crazy bitch"..."Yes, good riddance, but not till later! Not till I've got Robert back. Then, oh, I'll make him pay! I've got plans for him!"..."No, I told you before, he can't afford to divorce me! He's too far in debt!"..."I don't think so at all! Didn't you tell me last week you were having the same trouble with Sam?"..."Well, in that case you should put on a little act. Listen, kid, when Robert...."

I floated away from her door. I was shaking but free! I went into the kitchen and left the five dollars on the drain-board. I wrote a short note on a scratch pad: "Dear mother:

I just heard what you had to say about me on the phone. Thank you. I hope you get dad back. You deserve one another.

Juli."

Then I went out to my Honda and tried starting it again. It still wouldn't start! Until I noticed the gas valve was still "off". I just stared at it. Forgetting to switch it on had saved my life!

The Honda started immediately once the carburetor was full. I zoomed down the driveway to the street and joyously started the long trip to Venice.

Then I settled down to calm, safe driving. I didn't want to ruin everything by hitting a car or getting hit and ending up dead or crippled or in a hospital for months!

I took my time. I had all the time in the world.

The ride took nearly two hours.

The warm-cool ocean breeze felt wonderful to me as I headed down Brooks Avenue from Lincoln Boulevard, down the last few blocks to the tribe house. I pictured Owl's joy at seeing me, and the others' smiles ... I perked inside and laughed aloud and beeped my horn at everyone. I could hardly contain my happiness!

I ran the Honda up the tribe house driveway and parked it behind the psychedelic microbus. I heard the familiar music inside the house. The door was open.

"Hey, everybody!" I ran up the porch steps and went inside. Cheryl was sitting cross-legged on the floor by the stereo, sewing a white and red dress. She smiled in genuine pleasure. "Lark!" She stood up and put aside her things.

"Hi. I'm back. Where is everybody?" We kissed. I hugged her, and she hugged me. There was no reluctance.

"Zeke and Paul and Robin are over on the beach."

"Where's Owl!"

"He's upstairs with Sparrow. They're--"

I started toward the stairway in the dining room.

"Lark! They're making love, I think."

I stopped dead and looked back at Cheryl with wide, stunned eyes. "But I've only been gone. ... " I ran up the stairs and stopped before the closed door of his room ... our room! I wasn't thinking. I heard the squeak of the bed ... and moans.....

I went icy cold. My throat was tight. My heart was shaking my body. An all-gone feeling was in my belly.

I flung the door open.

Sparrow's chunky, brown, naked body was astraddle of Owl's whiteness. Her big breasts jiggled and swayed and bobbed as she moved up and down on him. His hands were spread wide on her hips, pressing into the buttery layer of fat. Her white teeth showed in a grin of pleasure. Her eyes were closed. She rose up and I saw the long, hard, glistening length of his white penis emerge from her dark loins. Then she drove down and plunged it all into her, drove him down into the mattress with her weight and lust, quickly, up again, down! And moaning.....

It took them a few seconds to realize I was there, watching. Sparrow's grin changed to a smile. "Lark." And Owl smiled, too, and started to speak.

But I said sarcastically, viciously, "Excuse me!" turned and scrambled down the stairs. I was sobbing. I didn't think of myself and David the night before. I hadn't been "faithful" either!

I rushed passed Cheryl and ran outside.

I didn't know where I was going. I was in a turmoil, mind-blown, freaked out, behaving like a stupid fool. I was over-reacting-unknowingly using up self-rage by directing it outward.

After a minute I found myself running across Pacific toward the beach. I wanted to appeal to Zeke, to get sympathy, half-consciously to get him to keep Sparrow away from my man.....

I ran out onto the sand and saw the tribe's banners and flags flying far out near the surf. They were sitting in a circle. I took off my sneakers and walked swiftly.

I waved and called as I approached. Some of my happiness and joy returned. And some of my common sense!

The tribe waved and called my name as I approached. They smiled and laughed.

I ran the last fifty yards and collapsed on my knees between Zeke and Rill. I was crying again, but for a different reason; this time with relief and a sense of homecoming. I kissed Zeke wetly, and Rill, and then Robin opened her arms to me and I hugged and kissed her, and Paul, too, embraced me and patted my back and kissed me.

Zeke said, "Welcome back."

"Did you get my letter?"

"Yes. We understood your position."

"I shouldn't have gone away. It was so awful ... so bad ... just a terrible scene." I sniffled and wiped my eyes. "And I got infected with all that square up-tightness again ... and ... just made a stupid fool of myself in front of Owl and Sparrow and Cheryl."

Rill took me in her arms. The soft fullness of her breasts under her sweatshirt felt good and reassuring to me. "What happened?"

I hesitated.

Zeke said, "Tell us. Clear it out. It's catharsis."

Robin reached over and gripped my hand.

"I acted like Owl was mine ... you know, possessive ... like a typical..." I couldn't look at anyone. "I opened a closed door and saw them making it and got jealous...."

Zeke nodded. "It takes a long time to shed that square skin, doesn't it? You're learning."

Robin said, "You were only saying the tribe words before. Only pretending to yourself."

"I guess so. I was so happy to be back. I had a vision of him waiting for me to come back, not making love with anyone ... "

Zeke said, "In the tribe we are all married to each other."

"I'm ... I'm still in the tribe, aren't I?"

He smiled and stroked my long hair. "Of course. We welcome you. We missed you."

Paul asked, "What happened to you at home?"

I sighed. I sat up and said, "Well, it's quite a story...." I started with a recounting of the conversation with my mother in her car when I met her in Santa Monica.

Ten minutes later I saw Sparrow and Owl coming across the sand toward us. I got up and went to meet them.

I stopped before and said, "I'm sorry. I wasn't tribe for a minute, in the house. I violated privacy and acted like a fool. Forgive me?" There were tears in my eyes.

Sparrow came forward and kissed me. " Ain' nobody perfect yet, Lark. I glad you back."

Owl stepped in and took me. I melted in his arms. He whispered, "That old square bag is tough, sometimes, isn't it?"

"Umhmm, but I'm out of it now, for good!" We kissed.