Chapter 17

I went out to mail the letter to Owl and the tribe half an hour later. It was the most difficult letter I have ever written.

When I got back, as I passed through the kitchen, mother was humming, puttering in the Hotpoint, taking out lunch meat and cheese and milk. "What would you like to eat, dear?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Would you like a cheese sandwich? Salami? I can open a can of tuna fish."

"I'm really not hungry."

"Would you like some milk? I have apples, and oranges. You like them, I know."

"Mother "

"You've got to eat something, dear! How about a bottle of Pepsi?"

"I'll have a bottle of Seven-Up." An oblique little dig at her drinking.

"All right." Her eyes flickered a tiny bit as she opened it for me. As I took it, cold and dewy, and swigged as I turned for the door, she said, "Juli, I don't want to say anything, but now that you're living here ... Well, I know the hippies dress differently ... But here ... you know how people talk ... Well, you're not a small girl in the bust any more, and going without a bra is rather noticeable...."

I looked at her. She couldn't meet my gaze. She continued, "You know I don't care, but it looks sloppy. It isn't really nice, either, is it?"

"Mother, I'm here for two weeks. I'm not going to change back into a square just to suit you and the neighbors. I don't give a damn what they say or think about

She backed off. "Of course, I wouldn't ask you to do something...."

I left the kitchen and returned to my room. I knew she wouldn't give up. She'd keep picking at it, use all kinds of pressure ... In my room I was bored. I turned on a transistor and played it loud, but the rock music only made me homesick for the tribe.

I turned it off and flopped on the bed.

I swigged at the bottle and stared at the ceiling and was bored and resentful. I listened to mother leave the kitchen and walk through the house. She paused outside my door. "Are you sure you don't want a sandwich, dear?"

"Yes!"

"Well, there's apples and oranges if you want something to nibble on." She moved away. I heard her using the phone a minute later. Just a mumble.

I got off the bed and looked for something to read. I wasn't in the mood. I stared out my window at the backyard ... the pool ... I didn't feel like swimming, either. Two weeks! I finished the bottle and sat on the bed and stared at nothing and idly sucked on the neck of the bottle. Two weeks! She conned me! I began pushing the neck into my mouth as if it were a penis. It was sensual, in a way.

I flopped back on the bed and pressed the base of it against my groin. It was still cold. I closed my thighs around it. I opened my blouse and fondled my breasts, but it didn't do anything for me. Dead. Dead for two weeks.

I sang one of my songs and it made me sad enough to cry so I stopped. I looked at my watch three o'clock. Mother was still talking on the phone. Buzz ... buzz ... buzz ... I sat up and pushed down my pedal pushers and panties. I tried to push the bottle into me, the thick end, but it was too thick and blunt. I was afraid to use the neck end because I had heard somewhere the open end could create a vacuum and suck itself up tight against your insides and you couldn't get it out without tearing out your womb. I'd heard that had happened to a starlet once when a movie star pushed a coke bottle into her. She had bled and gotten infected and died. Not for me, thanks.

I said, "Oh ... shit ... " Two weeks...

I finally changed into a bikini and went out to lie in the sun.

Mother must have been busy on that phone.

Dad came by that evening. He came in smiling too much. "Juli!" He hugged me quickly in his strong arms. He was wearing a lemon yellow Ban-Lon knit shirt open at the neck, with slacks and Hush Puppies. Gray hair groomed neatly. Smelling of after shave. I was wearing a nylon knit pullover, too, with a mini skirt, no shoes, and when he hugged me and felt the warm softness of my loose breasts he sort of stiffened and let go as if he had been burned. He looked at my sticking-out nipples and his eyes skittered away. But his voice continued its automatic words;". . . to have you back. Your mother needs you now that we're breaking up...."

Mother sat watching, approving his song and dance to me, hating him, too.

"I'm only staying two weeks, so...."

"We'll discuss that later. I know you have friends in Venice now, but you do have a duty to your mother that comes first." He smiled. He kept his eyes on my face. "It's good to see you. About ready to sign up at USC next week? Creeps up on you, doesn't it? Bet you forgot it. Education's damned important. A little fling is great ... do it myself once in a while ... but there's a limit to dropping out. When it threatens your future "

"Dad "

"Listen, I've got something for you outside. When Ruth called and said you were back I went right out and got it. Know you've wanted one. Come on out you, too, Ruth truce for now "

We went out the front door and I saw a new yellow Honda 90 sitting in the driveway beside the station wagon.

"How do you like it, honey?" He grinned, patted the seat, dangled the ignition key in his fingers ... grinned ... sought my reaction ... tightened an emotional-begging vise ... until I was forced to smile and say, "It's beautiful, dad. It's really nice." And I smiled and tried to be grateful, but I knew he was trying to bribe me, and he knew it, and mother knew it.

She said, "That's just wonderful, Robert. Now you can ride to school on it, Juli. You won't have to take a bus anymore."

Dad reached into the back of the wagon. "One thing ... one thing I'm going to insist on, young lady." He brought out a white crash helmet with an amber bubble mask. "You've got to promise to wear this every time you ride it. Got to wear protective clothing, too. Shoes and a sweater at least ... "

"So many young people are killed on these things, Juli-"

I knew how to ride a cycle. They knew it.

"Got to think of yourself and the folks who love you. Owe it to us to protect yourself."

I stood there and nodded automatically. They were pathetic.

"It's all insured, honey. In your name." He handed me an envelope. "All I ask is that you be careful."

"It's a wonderful gift, Robert." An awkward silence developed. "Got gas and oil in it." He handed me the key. "Thank you, dad."

A pause. Glances. Mother: "Well, let's go inside."

"Can't stay. Only came over to ... "

"I wish you'd tell Juli to eat, Robert. She didn't eat a thing tonight at supper and I cooked all her favorites."

"Honey, you on a diet again? You're too young for that nonsense."

Inside the house. The focus moved away from me. Tension built up between them. They started jockeying for position: "Juli, wouldn't you like your father back in the house."

"Juli, your mother spends half her time thinking up ways to punish me for being a man. I don't have to--. "

"He's selfish, through and through! He wants "

The door chimes rang. I said, "I'll get it." Anything to get out of that crossfire. I opened the door ... and there stood David!

He grinned. "Hi, Juli."

"Hello." I left the door open and walked away, back into the living room. I heard David come in, close the door and follow.

I slumped into a chair and didn't cooperate at all when mother and dad tried to get me to be "nice."

Finally dad left. I had to thank him again for the Honda.

He put it in the garage for me before he drove away.

Then mother said, "I'll let you young people talk." And she went off into her bedroom.

David smiled. "Hey, you look good." His eyes were riveted on my nipples. I wished then I had worn a bra. "Your mother left word you were back."

"I'm sure."

"Hey, come on over to the couch." He patted the cushion next to him. "Nope."

He was hurt. "You still think you're a hippie?"

I sighed. "David, I'm only staying two weeks. Then I'm going back to 'being a hippie,' so I don't ... Why did you come over? I thought we'd broken up."

"Aw, that was just a little argument. I don't let my women get away that easy." He patted the cushion again. "Come on over."

I stood up and walked into the hall, into my room, and locked the door.

After a few minutes I heard David and mother talking. Rumble-rumble, buzz-buzz. I heard him leave the house and listened as he vroomed his Mustang and dug out. Juvenile.

Mother came to my door. She tried the knob, then called, "Juli?"

"Yes ... " I unlocked the door. Why stretch it out into a big scene?

"You were very rude to David. After he drove over to welcome you back "

"I'm not interested in David Krayne any more, mother."

"I don't see why not. He's a nice young man. He was terribly hurt a moment ago. I think he loves you. You didn't give him a chance at all! You used to like him! You were quite intimate with him before you took up with those hippies, weren't you?" She mixed pseudo-sophistication with a he's-the lesser-of-two-evils tone in her voice.

"I suppose."

"I knew something was going on between you two, but he's a nice young man, responsible, and he'll be a success in life, so I didn't say anything. You could certainly do worse. In fact, you have been recently."

I said nothing. There was no arguing with her.

"I took the liberty of asking David back. I made a date with him for you, for Friday night."

"Oh, mother! You can't You're trying to tie me back into this awful life every way you can! Dad, now David ... "

"We love you, dear. We're trying to save you--. "

"Oh, shit!"

There was a silence. She gestured helplessly. "I really don't see what you see in those hippies."

"I can't explain it to you so you'd understand."

Another silence. "Well, David will be over here Friday night ... "

"Mother, I know what you're trying to do. All right, I'll go out with him! But I can't let him fuck me " She gasped at my use of the word. " because I've got gonorrhea!"

She paled. "Are you sure?"

I told of visiting the clinic, the test and getting a shot. "We'll go see Dr. Edd tomorrow morning."

"All right. I'm due for my third shot anyway." She left my room a moment later with a dazed, shocked look still in her eyes.