Chapter 1
Widowers Need Theirs, Too
"Gosh, you'd think I was a little tramp, the way they treat me. You'd think parents would be more considerate, wouldn't you? Well, yes. They did keep me from going to a home. Home for Wayward Girls! Who's wayward? We were just having a little fun. So now I have to take this therapy treatment! Tell you all about how I got into doing what I did! Now is that fair, I ask you?
"Well, I guess you do think it's fair, since you get paid for it. But what good is it going to do me? Get it all out of my system? How silly can you get? You don't get sex out of your system just talking about it. Sex is there. Fact is, I think sex is here to stay. And frankly, I'm glad of it. I like sex or I wouldn't have done what I did. Sex is fun. Or maybe you've talked about it so much you've therapied yourself out of it.
"Oh, you like it too! In moderation? Phooey. What's moderate about sex? You can't just do sex halfway. Either it's whole hog or nothing.
"I just wish my folks weren't so Puritanical. And all on account of that silly phone call. If the real baby-sitter had had any sense, she'd have covered for me. But no, she had to go and bust out the whole story ... What is the whole story? How far back do you want me to go? Well, I was born. Oh, that isn't what you meant? Just about when I started feeling sexy and wanted to get laid? Honest, I don't remember. Really I don't. I always had the boys looking at me, ever since I can remember. And I liked it. Oh, sure, I know I'm cute. Not beautiful, maybe, but cute. I've got a kitten face. That's what Pop calls me, Kitten-Face. When I was real young, maybe eight or nine, I was chubby. Baby fat, Mom called it, but I sort of strung out soon after I was twelve.
"I don't think I ever went through what adults call the awkward age, all teeth and elbows and knobby knees. I never had pimples. I guess I bypassed that, too.
"I was about twelve when some of that baby fat turned into boobies. Mom had me wearing a bra soon after because she said they jiggled. So let 'em jiggle. It didn't hurt me any. And the boys liked to look at 'em when they jiggled. Sometimes at school I'd go in the little girls' room and slip off my bra to give the boys a thrill. Not that I could see anything thrilling in jiggling boobs, but the boys sure did.
"Some of 'em used to make passes. Awkward kind of passes. Just touching the outside of my blouse, maybe. And snigger. Like they'd done something smart. Later, some of the older boys would make a few real passes. Like a hand on my knee and sliding up my thigh, creepy-cautious like, to see how far I'd let 'em go. And I let 'em go just about as far as they wanted ... with their hands. I liked seeing them sweat and get stammery and red in the face. I didn't get much excitement out of it, not really, the sexy kind of excitement that makes you go limp and be ready for anything.
"Oh, sure, I enjoyed it. It was kind of thrilling, having lots of boys wanting to pet with me. And I got a sort of kick out of the feelings it gave me to have them slide a hand up my dress and play with my thing. My thing ... my snatch box, my cunt, if you want to get vulgar.
"Go ahead, get vulgar? You mean it? Oh, you think it might help to get at the truth? Hell, you know the truth ... Ed had an affair with me. Okay, he screwd me. Is that vulgar enough? And we got caught all on account Pop has an accident and Mom phones his house and gets the real baby-sitter, who spills all she knows. Of all the tough luck! If it hadn't been for that phone call, Ed and I could still be having fun. And maybe he'd have married me. He sure liked screwing me.
"So what's a difference in ages? It's a good thing if the man is older. Well, with Ed and me the difference wasn't really so much ... seventeen, eighteen years ... maybe twenty. I don't really know, I never asked him for his age. So he was thirty-six and I was fifteen. You think that is significant?
"Maybe it was, come to think of it. If it hadn't been for those boys feeling me up and getting me interested in what would happen if I let 'em go all the way, maybe I wouldn't have been so eager to go for Ed. So you might say the fix I'm in is really the fault of those boys that felt me up. I didn't let a single one get more than his hand on my cunt. And feeling my boobies. And a little kissing and tonguing while the boy is feeling you up.
"Now that got real interesting sometimes. And a few times I very nearly let 'em go all the way, because I got sort of carried away. But I didn't. I made 'em stop, even if, a couple of times, the boys had their peckers out, trying to get into me. They already had their pants open and their pecker sticking up. But I wouldn't let 'em.
"Maybe I looked ready to get laid but I didn't have all the feelings. But, each time a boy started feeling me up and playing with my boobies I got a little more that way. Itchy, you know. Yes, I know the boys called me a teaser and got mad. But none of 'em ever got mad enough to quit. Each one was figuring he had the right system and I'd give in.
"That's what made it interesting, seeing how those suckers would come back for more-of what they hadn't gotten in the first place. It was real funny sometimes, to see a boy get so all-fired sure he was going to make it this time. And so foolishlooking when he didn't get it.
"I'd had baby-sitting jobs. Mostly with kids five or six and up. I don't like babies. They're too hard to take care of, not that I don't know how but there's too much work. Besides, young couples don't trust their precious little dumpling to a teen-ager. Yes, I was a teen-ager, going on fifteen.
"Some of the papas were right cute. I mean, kind of serious, junior executives, but fun underneath. There were a couple of 'em I could really go for. And get ideas about. About maybe they could finish up what the boys started-and do a good job of it. After all, they had kids, didn't they? Or. I wouldn't be baby-sitting. Sometimes I'd go in the bedroom and look at one of those big double beds and imagine the boy had me there instead of his wife. And all the things we'd do. It got real exciting.
"Then I got this job baby-sitting for Ed. He was a young widower with two boys, 6 and 7. His wife got killed in an auto accident. Broke her neck. Oh, no, it wasn't Ed's fault. He wasn't even in the car at the time. It wasn't even his car, I heard.
"The old biddies in the neighborhood used to talk about him. How he really needed a good woman to look after him. Those were the ones that had marriageable daughters. They'd talk about how he was too young to go on grieving for his wife. What's over is finished, they'd say and how he ought to start fresh, especially with two kids to raise. I guess they'd have talked about him like that if he'd had two heads and a forked tail.
"He didn't. He was real cute. Smooth, you know. Sort of suave. Which made him kind of romantic. All the kids that do baby-sitting envied me getting the job. Like it was a real plum. It was, too. But not the way they meant. They" talked about things that happened between them and the papas, like getting laid. Most of it wasn't so, of course, but it made exciting talk. And got me sort of fired up. I was wondering what it would be like to get laid. Especially by Ed who was real cute and sexy looking.
"That's what go me started with Ed, so you might say it was their fault for talking so much about it. No, I'm not trying to put the blame on anybody else, only telling what's so. Those kids talking did make me interested. Of course, I was a little itchy anyway, from playing around with the boys.
'Mom and Pop are sort of 'advanced,' you know. They figure you can get your education if you really want it. And don't bother much with whether I do my homework or not. So I had more free nights than most teen-agers. Responsible teen-agers, I mean, that could get jobs baby-sitting. Anyway, I told Mom I really did my homework better when I was baby-sitting because there weren't any phone calls. Mom's advanced but she's double death on phone calls. Mostly because it ties up the line and she's missed some good bridge dates that way.
"And Ed likes to run around. Why not? He's got no wife he'd got to report or come home to and go to bed with or take out. So he runs around. What's wrong with that? I figure it's fine, because I make more money baby-sitting that way and can buy some really snazzy stuff Mom wouldn't buy for me. Only, of course, I get these itchy ideas the girls had....
"And I wanted to try out my new clothes. I tried looking feminine around him. You know, real womanish. I even got some of Mom's scent. But. Ed's always in a rush to get to his bowling or to the club or something, so he doesn't pay any attention. Just says, 'Mind the boys, Kathy, and see that they behave. And behave yourself.' But he doesn't mean that, because he's got this cute little grin when he says it.
"So I don't get to first base when he's leaving. You know ... he's hurried. But when he comes back, I figure there's time for him to ... well ... notice me. So I decided I'd really get set for him to notice me ... in that special way. Like sexy. I wore an old pair of panties that night and the miniskirt Mom says shows my appetite. All ready, in case the opportunity occurred.
"He didn't even notice the miniskirt when he was leaving, because he was hurried, as usual. So I took off those old panties and ripped them a little. And left them off. With nothing but the miniskirt between me and night air ... and anything else that would come along. And when I heard his key in the door, I slid down on the couch so even the miniskirt was hiked up. Which left me kind of bare down where it counts. And pretended I was taking a nap. Lots of people don't mind if you take a nap while you're baby-sitting. It's just to have somebody in the house if the kids wake up. Or if there's an emergency.
"I could hear Ed come in, even if he was quiet on account of the sleeping kids. And then he stopped in the living room. So I knew he could see me ... and see a lot of me you don't usually see. Ed sort of coughs and I pretend to wake up, sitting up and pulling down at my miniskirt, except miniskirts don't pull down very well. Not when you're scrambling to sit up on a couch.
"I can see he's looking right at my snatch ... staring. Then he sort of pulls himself up and says, with a funny little quirk to his mouth, 'Kathy, you've lost something besides your dignity, haven't you?'
"I pretend at first I don't know what he means and then I let light dawn. 'Oh, you mean my panties? I tore 'em, so I took 'em off to mend them but I couldn't find any sewing things.'
"Ed nods, like he understands. 'You didn't happen to look in that sewing box at the end of the couch, did you? My wife wasn't exactly domestic, but she could sew.'
"And he walks over and opens this sewing box. He's right. It's got all the necessities. Which leave me feeling a little foolish. I can feel myself blushing, all the way down to my cunt. So I get a needle and thread and start to work, with Ed looking on, kind of amused. But I also manage to wriggle around so my miniskirt hikes way up. You know, so he can see up to practically my appetite. And he notices ... I can see that. By the way his smile sort of fades, a little at a time. Finally he says, mock stern, 'Young lady, if you don't pull your skirt down and behave yourself, I'll take you across my knee and paddle you.'
"So I throw myself across his lap and yank up my miniskirt, which doesn't really need much yanking to reveal everything. Of course, I'm taking a chance he'll really paddle me and send me home and never ask me to baby-sit again. But I figured if I could get him to feel me up, I'd be set. Boys get real horny feeling you up, and I figured a man wasn't anything but a boy with more to get horny with.
"Ed gives me one good pop that made me grunt. A real stinger. But the next one is sort of gentle. And by the third he's not paddling, he's feeling my little rump and realizing I'm a real live girl. So I wiggle a little so that by boobies will rub against his leg and he'll know I'm built.
"He knows, all right. I can tell by the way he rubs my behind ... real gentle, sort of hesitant. And by the way his pecker is swelling. I can feel it humping up. So I wiggle some more, sliding down a little so that miniskirt will really go high. And I can feel his pecker stiffening up against my stomach.
"His hands are roaming a little over my rump and sliding down between my legs. So I open them, not much but enough to give him ideas. And I'm getting ideas, too. And getting hot down at my cunt. It's real exciting, having a grown man feel you up and know he can do the business. Even if I wasn't real sure I knew what the business was. I hadn't ever let any of the boys get beyond a good feel, so I wasn't sure I knew what screwing was all about. But by then I wanted it-and wanted it bad.
"I rolled over, so he could see my cunt and get his hand on it easy. My boobies were pressing against his stomach by then and he knew I really had 'em. He put one hand on my boob and one on my cunt, moving very gentle. I could see his face, which is sort of sad-romantic, and he's getting a little dreamy over the feeling up.
"I let my legs fall open-they wanted to anyway, like they had gotten sort of loose at the hips. And his hand slid right in, over my cunt, with one finger tapping and feeling for the opening. I could feel it getting wet, too.
"His finger slid in and I moaned and grabbed at his neck, pushing my boobies right up against his chest, trapping his hand. He started squeezing and feeling that, through my blouse and then sliding his hand down inside, right on my skin, which really got me, especially since I didn't wear any bra, in case something like this did happen. Only I hadn't expected it to be so ... breathtaking. Like I couldn't get a full breath.
"I help him a little by unbuttoning my blouse and letting it fall open. He leans down and stares at my boobies and then pulls me up close and kisses one of 'em. Real hungry-like. And all the time his finger is working it's way up my cunt, starting all kinds of things happening inside of me. I reach around and undo this wraparound miniskirt so that it falls open ... and I'm practically naked.
"Just having everything out in full view of a man is exciting enough, but he's feeling me up. And kissing my boobies and tonguing my nipples, murmuring a little, like he's angry ... with himself, not me. 'You're being a fool, Ed, letting this kid get to you this way ... lay off.' Only he doesn't. He slides a hand around behind my back and caresses that for a few minutes while his fingers are doing all sorts of crazy-making things to my hot, wet cunt. I can't help but whimper.
"Suddenly he picks me up in his arms and carries me into the bedroom and almost tosses me on the bed, kind of rough-gentle and growls, 'You asked for it, baby, and you're going to get it.'
"I'm just a bit scared then, because I had never ... I'd never been screwed before. And there I was, on a bed. My miniskirt had fallen off and my blouse ... well, I could wiggle out of that easy enough. And then I looked at Ed. He was being very deliberate, very slow, about taking off his shirt and undershirt. And then his pants and shorts, watching me. And I'm watching his pants come down.
"I've seen boys' peckers when they undid their pants, hoping to lay me, but "they weren't anywhere near as big as Ed's. His head-the head of his pecker-looked huge, like some big purplish onion on a great big stalk. And I'm scared. That thing is going to go in me? It'll split me wide open! I'll bust like a melon.
"Ed is watching me and he says, kind of husky, 'Want to call it off, Kathy?' I can't say anything because my throat won't work so good, but I shake my head. And open my legs so he can get in me. He nods, almost happy, and starts playing with my cunt with one hand and feeling my boobies with the other, until I'm about ready to scream at him to go ahead and fuck me. Oh, sure. I've known the word a long time, only did not know what it really meant. I learned that night, all right.
"Ed lay down beside me, cradling my neck in his arm and draping it so' his hand played on my boobie, while he kept fingering my cunt. My nipples were hard little knobs-and he played with them-and my box was getting real wet and slippery, so his finger was sliding in and out real easy. Only there wasn't anything easy for me. It was driving me right up the wall. I was squirming.
"About then, just when I could almost scream with the want of his pecker in me, he rolled over on top of me, holding himself just off my chest on his elbows. And his legs went between mine. There is his big old pecker hanging down, quivering and shaking, wet and shiny, right by my cunt. He moved around a little, pushing my legs wider-I don't think I could have done it myself-until I could see, peeping down between us, that his pecker was aimed right at my cunt, and about to go in.
"I hump my pelvis a little, so that his pecker rubs against my cunt, which is wide open now. I feel it touch my clitoris and ... Bang! I'm on fire and hump like mad to get some more of that excitement. That's when he pushes real hard with his pecker and that head goes in. I can see it ... better still, I can feel it.
"That head is actually inside my cunt, making all kinds of excitement that I can feel way up inside me. And I can feel it rubbing against the walls of my cave ... but only just inside. It feels awful good but my little cunt is being stretched till I'm sure it'll split, but that doesn't seem to matter ... not down there, even if I'm thinking it up in my head.
"My little pelvis wiggles all by itself, it seems, sliding my cunt up on that shaft, and Ed drives with his shaft. It goes in deep but I still want it deeper, even if it hurts a little I just want to feel it way, way up in me. Ed backs off a little, pulling it pretty near out and then goes back, driving a little deeper. I think I squeal ... and he pulls back again. But I really want it up me by now. Way up. So I hump my pelvis and slide up on it, feeling his bulky head ram deep in me.
"Because he's on his elbows, his hands are free
... and playing with my boobies and teasing my nipples. He puts his mouth on mine and rams his tongue inside, sort of surprising me if anything could along about then. But that feels good, too, starting more excitement, which I thought couldn't get any higher.
"It did, though. Ed rammed his pecker shaft deep into me, sending that bulky head way up, deep inside me. Only I seemed to have space for it and be ready for it. Ready to take anything. And I got it. Ed moves slowly, but he gets there, until I can feel his pelvis jammed tight against mine. And my cunt is working. I can feel the excitement of it, like a mouth, almost.
"My chest is so tight I can't really breathe good, even if Ed is holding himself off me, his chest just brushing my nipples when he moves. My hard little nipples that sort of transmit those rubbings into new excitement.
"But the real excitement is down farther, at my cunt and way up inside me. There's hurt, too, but it's the kind you know is part of the excitement. That cock head and his big long shaft are working away inside me, stirring up all kinds of new feelings I never even guessed existed. Oh, I can feel 'em all right, but just feeling 'em has nothing to do with the way it makes me feel. It's what they do, rubbing around, in and out as he pumps, that really count.
"And I pump right back. I didn't know I could move my pelvis like that, pushing up and thrusting and feeling all at the same time. With his big pecker rammed so far up me, moving just a little felt exciting. And things are building up inside. Like pressure, almost, only a lot more interesting than pressure. Tensions, I guess you'd say.
"My little cunt is working and my pelvis is ramming at him and he is slamming back at me.
Sometimes we sort of collide but mostly I learn to move with him, like dancing, but lots more exciting. And Ed's breathing heavy and ramming hard. And I'm taking it, all of it ... and loving it.
"Then things seem to start happening ... his shaft is pulsing and moving-like heavy breathing-inside me. For some reason he gets me even more excited and tense, like I've just got to explode. And then he rams real hard and holds it, pumping just a teensy bit, just barely moving. And there are things happening in his pecker that I can feel. Why they're so exciting I don't know, but it seems like I'm wound up so tight something has to let go.
"And something does. His prick suddenly swells and a big load of his come slams into my belly, right up there in my tunnel, way up my cunt. And that makes me explode ... like big roman candles going off. And I can feel juices just pouring out of me, and into me ... from him.
"He wiggles just a teensy bit, in-out, and more juices flow and there's more of his come pouring into me. I'm humped as high as I can go, trying for every last little bit of his pecker, while he's pushing hard to ram it deeper. And we hold it like that, just letting things happen to both of us ... and it is happening, way up inside me!
"Then, except for kind of minor shudders and shivers, it's all over. I can feel his hard on start to go down, slow, but going down. Just the motion of it going down starts me splashing more juices but that doesn't last. I've finished. I sort of ease down with my pelvis and his pecker starts sliding out of my cunt, creating new waves of excitement, but mild compared to what had just happened.
"I had been screwed and I knew it. I hurt some, sure. Just his deflated pecker sliding out hurt a little. But with the wonderful thing that had happened, the excitement and all ... what's a little hurt! And when his pecker slid all the way out, I knew it was all over. Oh, juices flowed out when he pulled that plug, and I made a sticky-wet spot on the sheet. And my little cunt was wet and sticky but it felt so good, even if it did feel kind of stretched and pulled.
"Ed dropped his head on my shoulder and shuddered, making my nipples want some more of that. He kissed my neck once and then sort of rolled over and off me. We kind of huddled together, not really wanting anything right then but some rest. Still, it was comforting just to have him there, one hand on a boobie. I could look down and see his pecker, awful little-looking now after that monster he threw into me. And sticky-wet.
"A funny thing happened then. I felt it in my throat, like I'd like to taste his pecker and all those sticky juices. I didn't, because I wasn't sure about things. The first time you aren't. But later I learned to lick' his pecker and taste all those salty juices. Maybe that doesn't really describe 'em. I just know they taste ... sort of like the finish of a good fuck, which of course they are.
"We lay like that for some time, with him just stirring a little, reminding me again and again of the wonderful time we had just had and wanting it all to start over. Ed was murmuring to himself about how he was a rotter and stinker and shouldn't have done such a thing to a sweet little kid, only he was so hungry for it he sort of forgot himself. It was a kind of apology to me and excuses to 'somebody.' I thought at first he was maybe talking softly to his wife who got killed.
"Later he told me that wasn't it at all. He had hated her because she was a little tramp, screwing any guy that came along. And had got killed when she was out joyriding with another man. He hadn't slept with her for maybe two years before she got killed. He sort of blamed himself for her trampiness, which could have been because he hadn't screwed her enough himself. Or given her a really good time when he did. He said later I had sort of restored his confidence in himself as a man. Oh, sure, there were plenty of 'latere.' We had a good thing going and we knew it.
"If it hadn't been for that old biddy lousing things up. Or if my father hadn't had that accident ... All right, all right! So I've got to learn to take the responsibility for my own acts. Only I still say...."
Kathy J. came from a middle-class milieu that closely approached upper middle class. She was an only child but not well supervised at home. Her mother, though a sincere woman of fair mentality, was constantly involved in pursuits that were just a degree, above her. She was somewhat of a social climber and much of this may well have been in behalf of her daughter, to provide her with a slightly better station in life through a "suitable" marriage. The father was a man preoccupied with his business and the effort to maintain and raise the family status.
Kathy herself, by her own account, was somewhat late in passing through what Freud, in Thompaon and Mullahy's Psychoanalysis .'Evolution and Development, calls the "period of latency," the period between the ages seven and puberty, generally accepted as following the first menstrual period for a girl, or about thirteen in girls of our Western culture and climate.
Kathy had become what our society calls a tease in her early teens, probably at about thirteen, when her bodily development was several years in advance of her emotional development.
Physically she seems to have matured well past Freud's "period of latency" in sexual development without a corresponding development in any emotional drive toward sex. She appears to have retained the mere sexual curiosity that motivates very young children in their interest in bodily functions, of which interest in the sex organs is only a small part.
This is not an uncommon condition. Many girls reach well into their teens after an initial physiological development of the mammary glands and primary sex organs in their early teens without feeling any emotional drive toward sex. Some become motivated toward sex prematurely through outside influences, including what amounts to rape.
Kathy permitted sexual liberties for several years on her body without becoming sexually aroused herself. She seems to have taken a certain pride in her ability to arouse sexual interest in boys of her peer group without herself reacting. However, she does admit to an increasing interest in sex as she permitted more and more of these liberties, until they reached a climax in her relations with Ed B. and her sexual arousal became what Freud calls "the hedonistic gratification of the sex drive."
Another factor in Kathy's affair with Ed is what Vance-Packard calls "the sexual wilderness." This author maintains that our present Western society, and particularly the younger generation, in this current period of unrest and social disruptions, is in the midst of an emotional entanglement that is manifesting itself in excessive sexual liberties.
Kathy is apparently unaware of any social unrest, and it is doubtful if many of the younger generation caught up in it quite understand the forces driving them. However, Kathy, to a certain extent, is a victim of this very social disruption to which Packard refers. Otherwise, it is unlikely that, at her age level and among her peer group, there would have been as many opportunities for the sexual dalliance she cites with such glee.
The Dean of Students at Hope College puts it another way. He suggested, more formally than Packard, that "our society is giving up the JudeoChristian tradition as a basis for law and morality without replacing it with any consistent rationale." The Judeo-Christian tradition is the foundation of our Western civilization, its laws and its morality. It is by these precepts that we abide'-or which we knowingly abrogate. And, by abrogating, we become knowingly immoral or criminal or both.
Certainly, Kathy was striving for intensity of emotional experience, what Freud calls "the hedonistic gratification of the sexual drive."
Lester A. Kirkendall, in his thoroughly documented study Premarital Intercourse and Interpersonal Relationships, calls aggressiveness in sexual matters "definitely a masculine chararacteristic," which would seem to absolve Kathy of any blame in her sexual intercourse with Ed B. However, the Bender-Blau-Rasmussen study of more than seventy cases of very young children, between the ages of nine and thirteen, 65 girls and five boys who committed sex acts, concluded that-in a number of instances-these young children were not the helpless victims of older children or adults but played an active or even initiating role in their delinquency. 'They might even be considered the seducers rather than the seduced." A twenty year later follow-up on the cases indicated no permanent traumatic injuries and concluded that most were leading perfectly normal lives.
The authors of this study account for the rela tively slight emotional disturbance on the basis of Freud's earlier postulate that "psychic trauma must come from within." Their own theory is that, because the sex act was committed with an adult, "the association in the act of a grown-up, who to the child must still represent the omnipotent parent, probably condones the transgression, thus obviating the trauma."
Kathy apparently considered a seduction by her employer as a distinct possibility, in view of the stories she had been told. She was obviously disturbed by the fact that her employer, a very desirable male, was apparently totally unaware of her as a female. She therefore began a campaign and "played an active and even initiating role in her delinquency," according to the Blau-Bender theory. Her efforts increased in intensity until she broke through the shell of his resistance. Not that this, under our Judeo-Christian tradtion, makes his participation any less reprehensible.
Kathy appears to have considered their relationship immensely satisfactory. Certainly she enjoyed what Freud calls "the hedonistic gratification of the sexual drive," without any. particular thought of the possible consequences. It is highly probable that Kathy-because the sex act was committed with an adult-actually felt that "the association in the act of a grown-up, who to the child must still represent the omnipotent parent, probably condones the transgression."
However, there is no indication that Kathy's sexual activities with Ed carried the slightest connotation of "father image," the usual catchall phrase of parlor psychiatrists for any sexual relationship between a young girl and an adult male. Nevertheless, Ed was an adult and thus automatically carried the stamp of adult authority, which is what the previously mentioned Blau, Bender and Rasmussen study means by "omnipotent parent
"We didn't do anything more that night You know, no fucking. Just lying there kind of enjoying what had happened and letting the excitement drain out. I'd like to have gone to sleep, but Ed said he had to get me home at a reasonable hour. I was kind of surprised at how early it was. Not even eleven.
"All that fun and excitement hadn't taken nearly as long as it seemed. Less than an hour before I'd been a virgin and here I was, in bed with a grown man, and I had been screwed. But good. You know, the whole thing was good. The excitement, the feeling, the actual come, and then the resting afterwards.
"Ed was trying to work up nerve enough to tell me I was fired as a baby-sitter. I could see it coming. But I guess it's hard for a man to tell a girl he's just laid that he won't have her around. So I beat him to the punch and told him I'd be back tomorrow, in case he wanted to go out bowling again. I figured he wouldn't seeing that screwing is lots more fun than bowling.
"But do you know, he did ... go bowling that is. I came that night, expecting maybe he'd want to start right in where we left off, and I was willing. But he treated me just like he used to before we fucked. Pleasant, you know, but just a little ... well ... standoffish, distant ... as if nothing had happened. He just left the usual instructions and a telephone number ... and said good-bye. Like always.
"It's awfully frustrating for a girl who's come expecting to get a real good screwing, to be left with nothing but a television set. Which isn't much of a comfort at the best of times, though there is one of those private eyes I could go for. He looks as if he wouldn't go bowling if there was a girl handy. And all the girls he does meet seem willing. The private eye, I mean. Not Ed. He goes bowling.
"The next night is different. I come at the usual time and Ed already has the boys in bed. And his bowling ball and bag handy. But I can tell right away it's a bluff. He isn't going bowling. He wants to have a talk, which mostly means he's got something on his chest he wants to get off, no matter who it hurts. Which will be me.
"He starts, kind of stammering, about his inexcusable conduct, but once more I beat him to the punch. I start telling him about how wonderful that night was and what it meant to me. And in parts I get real graphic, telling him how my little hot box aches and how it felt so good with his pecker rammed in me. I make it real specific, eyes sort of downcast-I'm really watching the bulge in his trousers-and when I get part way through I can see it is swelling, from just reminding him of the good fuck we had. It's kind of hard to talk about screwing without getting the other party excited, especially if he was the one that did the screwing with you.
"I can see I have him hooked. So I just show a little more of me, sitting on an ottoman in front of him. That way, he can see right up my skirt to that pair of loose panties I'm wearing. And I lean forward a little so my blouse falls open some, giving him a nice view of my boobies. The very boobies he'd played with only a couple of nights before.
"I don't have much hair around my pussy, just a little fuzz, so he can look right in at it when my panties swing aside, which I see to it that they do, by squirming a little sideways. I sort of work it up so that I'm about to cry, something about me being a virgin and he was the first guy ever to get into me-which is to get him to remember how good it was and maybe feel a little guilty-and something about how he doesn't care the least bit about me, or maybe he didn't like screwing me. That's to start him protesting he did, too, like it....
"So I jump up then and fly into his lap, snuggling up so my boobies are pressed tight against him, and I start to slide a little. So he's practically got to grab me. 'Oh, Ed, I knew you liked screwing me. I just knew it.' What can he say? He's got me in his arms, one hand right spang on my ass. He just starts to comfort me, patting my ass in an absentminded sort of way that soon isn't so absentminded. It switches from that to feeling me up.
"His hand feels awfully good roaming over my ass. I can tell he's ready to slip it up between my legs and play with my little slit, so I open my legs ... and kind of sigh happily, 'cause that's what I've been waiting for.
"This time I know more what it's all about, so I can sort of observe and watch for details, things that make each new screw so interesting and exciting. Though for Ed I'd lie down any time and just open my legs for him to ram that big cock up me, even without preliminaries. After all, I've been thinking about that first screw for two days, which has kept my little box on the ready and excitement churning inside me. So I'm really noticing. And enjoying it all the more because now I know what it leads to. His hand slides under my bottom, and I open my legs a little to give him room. One finger plays a kind of tattoo against my brownhole for a minute. I didn't know there was excitement there, but it really stirs things up inside and makes my little cunt start twitching. It is opening up, getting set and all ready for the big moment when his dong will go slamming right up inside of it.
"His other hand slides up under my blouse and cups over one boobie so he must feel my nipple get stiff and stand up. I know he does, because he starts playing with it. Sort of pinching it lightly between his fingers. Not enough to hurt, really, just enough to make it feel good. So I kiss his neck, tonguing that big pulsing artery. And undo my blouse so his hand is free to roam. Which it does, covering both boobies. He even spreads his fingers and taps at each nipple, like a guy playing a cornet. And it plays on me. I can barely catch my breath from the tightness that starts there.
"I undo my wraparound skirt and let it fall off, but I have to hump up a little and let him help me slide out of my panties. And I'm naked. I like being naked in front of Ed. Maybe I'm an exhibitionist. Or just plain sexy. I've got a nice body, slender. Well, you can see me right now. I'm not pudgy or bulgy. Not anywhere. Except where it's a good idea to have bulges, like boobies and behind.
"And Ed likes having me naked. He can see what he's playing with. And he likes to play. You know, run his hands over all the parts. And I like it, too. I like it when he teases my nipples with his fingers and then slides a hand down my stomach to those little creases that lead down to the best spot of all, my cunt.
"Teasing my nipples gets them hard, and starts getting me excited, because I knew then for sure he's going to go all the way. And I'm going to let him. And his sliding hand going up and down the insides of my thighs, maybe not quite touching my little cunt but coming near enough to start delicious shivers, that's half the fun. And Ed knows just what to do. I mean, he doesn't go too fast, like he's got to get there-and throw his dong in meall in one minute.
"I didn't realize what was happening the first time. You know, about how careful he was being with me, because it was my first time and I was too excited to notice-and maybe too anxious to get to the main part, where he'd actually screw me. And I don't know that I really appreciated it the second time, because by then I knew what was coming and wanted to get down to it. But later times I began to appreciate it. And really like that slow buildup.
"Ed doesn't even touch my cunt for some time, not till he's felt all over me, and kissed my boobies and tongued my nipples and got me to the point where I'm almost shaking with the want of him, and his big pecker ramming way up me. I just lay there, kind of breathless, waiting for things to happen. My cunt gets hot and wet ... suddenly Ed is playing with it, easing his fingers down my slit. My legs just naturally fall open and let him reach where he wants to. His finger plays with my little clitoris until I begin to whimper with the want of more than that. Then he slides one finger up my cunt and plays around. And my cunt is opening up, like a hungry mouth. And I'm really ready, begging him to throw his pecker to me.
"I don't even want to bother waiting to go to bed I'm so ready for a good reaming. I squirm around and sit on his lap, facing him, so he can kiss my boobies and lick my nipples. And inside his pants I feel his pecker, hard and ready, right up against my bottom.
"I reach down and unzip his pants and reach in for his pecker. It's stiff and ready and his bulky head is glistening. So, while Ed is kissing my boobies, I raise up a little and slide down on his pecker. And feel the head slip in.
"Ed moans, happy, and I slide down some more, until his pecker rams well up inside me, and I'm ready to squeal with the excitement of it in me, rubbing the sides of my passage. I can feel his prick moving up and the shaft riding along my cunt, big and pulsy. And I want more.
"I just let go then and sink right down on his shaft, ramming it far up me, all at once, for a great big thrill. I'm practically sitting on his hairy bush, wiggling, to get more feel up my passage.
"Ed stretches back on the couch and rams his pecker up me a little more. And that little more is some real excitement. It tightens my throat so that even if I wanted to squeal I couldn't. Besides, I didn't have breath for squealing. All my breath I've got is just there to keep me going. I haven't any to waste.
"Then Ed leans forward to give me a real hot kiss, running his tongue in my mouth so I can taste him. And that pulls his pecker out a little, rubbing the sides of my passage with his bulb, so that new excitement starts. Some of it from the kiss but mostly, I think, from the way his pecker slides up and down in my cunt.
"And then we start humping, just slow and easy at first, with Ed rising slowly, just raising his rump a little and dropping back, so's his pecker rams up and then, when he drops, pulls a little bit out. Then ram and drop, ram and drop, till we hit a rhythm, which gets faster and faster, until I'm panting and sweating and getting tense ... tighter, like I'm wound up and ready to let go with a bang!
"I can feel his pecker swelling and subsiding, swelling and subsiding, way up me, and I know he's getting ready to come with all kinds of excitement happening. Because Ed is all the time playing with my boobies and nipples while he's screwing me. I think maybe that's what makes this sit ting-down screw so wonderful, all the playing he can do while his pecker is ramming me.
"Suddenly he grabs my boobies, not real hard but firm, as if he has to get a grip on something. And he humps, ramming the last little bit of his pecker way up me, holding it there. I can feel the pulse of his shaft and the sudden gush of hot juices from his prick. And I shoot off, too. Like fireworks. I can almost see 'em behind my eyes. And I catch enough breath for a long moan. I try to sink down more on his shaft, but I've got it about all, already rammed up in me, spurting juices.
"Anyway, it's almost all over. I'm limp and draining, and Ed is laying back on the couch, pooped, sweaty and grinning. I can feel his pecker go down, sliding out of my cunt. There's a few last-minute thrills as it comes out, but the main thing is over. I sigh and lay down on Ed's chest, just letting his pecker slip out, and all our juices with it ... like it's been a plug in my hole.
"Ed makes some feeble gestures at patting me, mostly on my rump, but we're both too pooped right then to take any fun from it. Just comfort. Once in a while I shiver with the dying excitement, and Ed sighs every now and then. Finally, he pushed me off. 'Kathy, you get heavy ... and I'm accustomed to breathing. I'd like to keep on with it.' So we lay on the couch, sort of crowded together, side by side. It's very comforting to lie beside Ed after a good screw. Besides, it might lead to another good screw.
"Ed must have had something of a similar idea, or else his clothes were making him hot. He hadn't taken off his pants, just unzipped 'em. So he wriggled around, got out of his clothes and then we were both naked, lying there together, our bodies crowded on the couch but nice and comfortable. But after a good screw you don't mind that.
"I am snuggled up in the crook of his arm, with his hand just resting light and easy on one boobie and sort of playing with it, idly, maybe with no intention of anything more. But I guess those things do build up. Not fast maybe, but they do build up after a while. Because pretty soon I notice his pecker is beginning to show signs of life, shuddering a little and swelling. And I am getting a pretty good build-up myself. My cunt is beginning to ooze more juices, as if it's ready to start all over again. Which I know I am. You know, I really dig getting screwed.
"I am kind of fascinated with the way his pecker first swells a little and then subsides, like it can't make up its mind if it will or won't get hard. So I reach down and take it in my hand. It's still wet and sticky but it feels good in my hand, something warm and alive, and swelling. Ed moans, not in protest, but because he likes it. I pull on it a little and it gets bigger and harder, until it's standing straight up. And Ed is playing with my boobies, like he really means it.
"Finally he says, 'Kathy, did you ever try Frenching?' and I tell him no. I never did anything like this except with him, but I'm willing, if he wants it and thinks it's fun. He says, 'It's fun ... if you're game. We can sixty-nine it.'
"I don't even know what he's talking about. Well, I'd heard about sixty-nine, but didn't know what it meant. Or how you did it. Ed shows me. He told me to turn around, so my head was down by his pecker, big and swollen and staring me right in the eye. 'Now lick it. Easy ... see if you like the taste of it.' So I licked it. The taste was sort of surprising. Salty and I guess you'd say, male. Anyhow, very sexy tasting. And Ed was tasting my cunt, real easy, with just the tip of his tongue. He was sort of teasing, until I was real excited again, ready for anything. And really wanting it.
"Then Ed says, 'Put it in your mouth and suck on it.' I tried but it was a little awkward. So Ed moved me up to rest on his stomach and I could get at it real good. And he could get his mouth on my cunt, because I opened my legs, one on each side of his head. And he really went to work sucking on my cunt and reaming with his tongue until I could hardly breathe. Especially with his big pecker in my mouth.
"And Ed reaches down and plays with my boobies and fingers my nipples until I am near crazy and suck all the harder. And he'd work on my cunt, causing all kinds of excitement way up in it, even if his tongue doesn't reach that far.
"I lick at his pecker and suck on it, tasting all the salty stickiness that's'so good and sexy-tasting and my stomach seems to be pumping to make his suck more fun. Until it's all one big excitement and I know I'm ready to come. I can feel his pecker pulse and swell, so I know he's going to come, too. Just about then he says, Take it all the way, Kathy,' and pushes at my head. I feel his cock head slide down my throat, way down, and his shaft is pulsing in my throat. I can't get my breath but that doesn't seem to matter right now, because his prick is pumping hot, salty come into my throat. And I'm giving him juices to suck on, down at my cunt. We suck like that, oh, maybe not a minute but it seemed longer. And then his pecker is shrinking and sliding out of my throat I can breathe again and swallow and taste that sexy, salty juice of his. While Ed still laps at my twitching cunt
"After that we're both really pooped. We just lie still, happy to be breathing and remembering the wonderful thing that had just happened. I can feel Ed's stomach under me pumping and even the pounding of his heart. I guess he could feel mine, too. I don't know how long we lie there like that, but suddenly I hear one of the boys pattering along the hall, headed for the bathroom That startles Ed and he sits up, nearly throwing me on the floor. 'My God, the kids!' And then he calls out, telling the kid to finish up and get back in bed, he'll be in there in a minute to tuck him in. The kid murmurs sleepily, and does his stuff and heads back to bed. While Ed sits there, his head in his hands, saying, 'What can I have been thinking of! What a fool I am!' I comfort him and tell him we can do it somewhere else, meaning in the bedroom, where the kids wouldn't come if we closed the door.
"But Ed won't hear of it. 'We've got to stop this madness. As of now! Suppose one of the kids had walked in here, right when we were ... screwing. He might not realize what was happening but he'd sure talk about that funny thing Daddy was doing with the baby-sitter. And then the fat would really be in the fire. We'd both be disgraced. And I'd wind up in jail. It happens to be illegal, you know. We'd both be ruined.'
"I'm not about to give up all that good fucking and sucking, now that I know what it's all about. So I argue with him but he says, 'No! We must stop. This madness can't go on.' Only I know it can, and I mean it to go on. That's when I get the idea of the motel room. Sure, that was my idea. But just to save Ed from getting caught by his kids, you know, so it wasn't really my fault. Not all the way. And I suggested a baby-sitter to stay with the kids while we were at the motel, to protect the kids, you know. That same baby-sitter that bitched us up.
"Anyway, we decided maybe we could try it once more, on account of Ed is holding me close and I'm naked. Which is a very good argument, you know.
"So, a night or two later, when Ed has had time to get this old biddy for baby-sitting, I meet him a few blocks from home, telling Mom I'm baby-sitting. It costs Ed plenty because he has to give me baby-sitting money, so I can account to Mom, and he has to pay the regular baby-sitter and the motel room. But he doesn't mind, he has plenty.
"We go to this motel. It's a kind of dingy place where they don't ask questions. They just take your money and give you a key. The room isn't too clean and kind of musty, but it's got a big, bouncy bed. Ed is a little embarrassed about the motel and sort of self-conscious when we go in, but I'm too interested in what's going to happen to get upset about that. So what's one room or another, as long as it has a big, nice, bouncy bed?
"Ed tells me it's not us he's embarrassed about, but it's on account of his wife, who used to take any man she could get and go to motel rooms with 'em. She was a real little tramp, screwing anything that came along wearing pants. And she was killed joyriding with some guy she hardly knew.
"I'm kind of embarrassed myself, hearing all this, but I start to comfort him, sitting in his lap and patting his cheek. And the first thing you know, he's patting me ... and not on my cheek. So everything is fine again and we build up to a very good screw.
"Ed takes off his clothes first, this time, and then undresses me, slow and easy, enjoying each piece he takes off, like it's a strip tease. He's sitting on the edge of the bed and I stand there, letting him take off my blouse and kiss my boobies and then undo my skirt and drop it and finally slide my panties down, real slow, enjoying the view as it unfolds.
"His pecker is quivering and then getting hard and standing up, the head begins to glisten with juices. And my cunt is getting real itchy and wet. I start to take off my stockings-sometimes I wear 'em-but Ed says no, I look sexier in nothing but stockings. So I keep 'em on. He pulls me up close to him, kissing my boobies while his pecker just tickles my cunt. Then he gets me to kneel on the bed, with my legs spread, right over his pecker. By that time I'm ready for anything he wants to do, I'm so excited.
"Ed holds me by the hips and guides my cunt right on to his pecker and eases me down on it, slow, until his cock head is well inside and stirring up juices and-excitement like crazy. Then he lets go. I'm not really prepared, so I drop down on his pecker and ram it all the way up me. For a second it hurts but it feels so good rammed in fast like that I don't mind. And we go to town, humping and pumping, while Ed plays with my boobies and kisses 'em and sucks on my nipples. And then he lays straight back on the bed, ramming that pecker of his another two feet up me, it feels like. Maybe it's only an inch or so, but it feels like he might send it clear up my throat ... and it feels wonderful, way up there. Especially when he humps his butt a little and it moves around up there. I wiggle a little and hump, too, getting even more motion way, way up inside me. And believe you me, motion up there really counts in building up excitement.
"I'm about to yell with excitement and tension when suddenly he humps way up and his pecker pulses and lets go, shooting a full load so far up I can almost taste it. And I let go, too, with all the fireworks and pinwheels and bright lights. It's wonderful! I just don't see how anything that good can be illegal but you people say it is. So maybe it is. Ed said so, once, too. I really don't know.
"After that we just lie there together, panting and getting our breath back. With Ed comforting me. He's the best comforter, especially for getting a girl all excited all over again. So we did it all over again. Not fancy, just regular screwing, with him on top of me. And lay together for a long time after that.
"Then we took a shower. It's fun, taking a shower with Ed, and sexy ... enough to keep a girl interested, but not enough to get her too worked up. Especially as it was getting time to go pick up the real baby-sitter.
"After that, we went to a motel maybe two or three times a week. A different motel each time, only they're all pretty much alike ... the kind we could go to. Sort of almost crummy. But Ed said we didn't want to get in the habit of going to the same one too often, because the guy might identify us.
"With Ed it was sort of like being married and for a while I began to get ideas, like maybe he'd marry me and we could do this regular ... and legal. Only, Ed said it wouldn't work. He was too old for me and one day, soon, he'd be an old man, no longer able to screw, and I'd be still young and beautiful and want to get laid regular.
"Anyway, it didn't work out, because along about then Pop had his accident and Mom called Ed's house to tell me she would be at the hospital and not to worry, only she got the real baby-sitter, who was kind of baffled, and said she was the baby-sitter and I wasn't there. Fact is, she said, she'd never heard of me.
"That's when it all came out. I mean, with Mom. She never told Pop and he doesn't know, even yet. Nor anybody else. Mom said if I'd take this psychiatric therapy, she wouldn't ever talk about it. Or let Pop know, because he might kill Ed. So that's why I'm here, spilling all this goop on you, though what good it can do I don't know. Getting it out of my system? Just from talking about it? You can't talk sex out of existence. And I've got it built in. Just look at me. Can't you see that?
"Sure, I won't ever do it with Ed again. He's scared shitless. But there are plenty of other guys. And someday...."
Kathy bitterly resented the interruption of her affair with Ed, because it deprived her of the "hedonistic gratification of the sex drive," rather than because it deprived her of Ed himself. In her estimation, Ed had become interchangeable with any suitable male and the potential for "hedonistic gratification."
Kathy is inclined to shift the blame for her troubles on any available shoulders, demonstrating an inherent immaturity which is at considerable variance with her sexual activities.
The prognosis is that psychiatric therapy will not benefit Kathy to any material degree, unless she can be given other motivations than "hedonistic gratification," which-once developed-is extremely difficult to sublimate.