Chapter 4
Too Painful an Endeavor
"How the hell should I know what really happened? like I can't be responsible for the whole damned uptight world! It seemed like a way-out idea and I went along with it. Why not? Can I help it if that nut goes off the deep end? Is it my fault he's got some big, dark hang-up? Christ! Any other mother-fucker would have been thrilled by it all. But not that All American Asshole! Hell, no! He has to go hang himself! Oh wow, what a bummer he turned out to be!
"Shit, man, if I can manage to hang in there when the rest of the world is so fucked up it can't tell the truth from lies, why should I feel responsible for that jerk? Give me one reason, just one! You can't, can you? I know you can't. Christ! You drum up a little old school spirit and all of a sudden nobody wants to know your name! Bunch of screwed up knotheads, all of you! I can stand an out-and-out hypocrite-you can reach someone like that-but you guys, you hallelujah-queens that go around with hate in your hearts, piss in your veins, and shit in your mouths ... oh wow, you guys have got to be the worst! Even a preacher has more guts and decency than you do. He knows fuckin' well that the only good human being is a dead human being ... but not you guys ... oh no! You gotta make everybody a statistic, gotta level everybody.
"No, no I don't really mind talking to you. Whatever turns you on. I just want you to know right up front what I think of you, that's all. You wanna pick my brains, that's okay with me, but you're not gonna get just the pretty parts-you're gonna get it all ... including what I think of you. And don't hand me all that shit about what a great service you guys are performing. For all I know you're all on a secret payroll for one of those big computer companies. I can just hear it: 'Go out there and collect lots of statistics, then give them to us and we'll run 'em through the computer and publish the findings.' And who reads these dumb things? Other creeps like you.
"So snap to it! Get your mike all set up, sweetie, 'cause you're gonna get an earful. Or have you got the tape recorder built into a hearing aid, or a lighter, or somethin'? I wouldn't put nothin' past you guys. Goddam pushy creeps!
"Listen, I know enough about life already to burn out five of your computers. I've been laid, relayed, and parlayed-and I can't get enough of it. My whole childhood was one big funeral parlor. Nobody talked to anybody. Nobody touched anybody. When I heard other kids griping about their parents I used to tell 'em that they should be grateful that they had somebody to gripe about. I grew up with the walking dead; yeah, the zombies. Can you argue with a corpse? We all lived in the same morgue, that's all. But nobody ever said anything to each other. The only times I can remember bein' talked to was when I was bein' bawled out.
"I ... I, well, I know what it is to be lonely. To be a kid ... and scared. I'm afraid of being alone. That's all. Just that. You can hang me by thumbs from the top of a building and I won't be scared ... as long as I know someone's around. Do anything you want ... but don't leave me alone. I can't take it. Somethin' happens inside of me an' I panic. Yeah. Panic. You can be as mean as you want, hurt me even ... but don't ignore me, don't leave me alone. Maybe I'll outgrow this awful fear. I hope so. I'm only sixteen and it's awful to live with that kind of fear. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life this way.
"But that's why I groove with sex so much. No matter who it is, at least I'm not alone.
Even if the guy's a sadie-masie, at least I know he's there! I remember even as a tiny kid, when I was about eight or nine, that I was aware that I had something guys wanted. I wasn't too sure of what it was, but I knew I had it. Knew by the way old guys would look at me, or young guys, or even boys my own age. Whatever it was I had, they wanted it. And one day I let this other kid, I guess he was about ten years old, I let him take off my panties and touch me down there. He didn't do anything else but touch me and stare, until I got tired of that dumb game and told him I wanted to see what he had. So I opened up his pants and took out this thing of his. There it was. An extra thumb hangin' off his body. Big deal. Well, I was just a kid. It wasn't till later, when he could get it up, that I found out what it was all about. It was kind of funny, now that I think about it. I guess he was about eleven or twelve by then. We'd been playing around with each other, only this time I was getting strange feelings down there ... kind of tingling feelings. I didn't know what the hell it meant. But I saw Joel's thing start to swell up, and then it began to sort of stand up, and I told him to quit it.
" 'I can't,' he said.
" 'What do you mean, you can't. Just make it go back to where it was. If you can put your leg up and down, you can put that thing back down!'
" 'No, honest, Emily, I can't. It feels funny, too. like it's alive all by itself.'
" 'You're crazy!'
" 'It hurts a little, like when your shorts are too tight around your legs and it cuts into you. Here, Emily, feel it.'
"Well, I was more than just curious by then. I was fascinated by his thing that he couldn't make go back down. He had more curly hairs there than I had on me, and that made me a little mad ... it meant he was growing up faster than I was. Maybe there was something wrong with his thing, maybe he had aningrown hair or something that was making it act that way. I touched it with one finger, and it bobbed at me. I remember giggling, but I was more curious than amused . . , and a little concerned for Joel, too. I mean, if it was hurting him, well, I didn't want him to hurt. Joel was my only friend in the world, and he touched me and kept me company. He made me feel alive, like a human being. I took his thing in my hand, gingerly. 'Does that feel better?' I asked him.
" 'Yeah, a little. Listen, Emily, I saw my brother makin' it with his girl friend once ... and his was standin' up like this, too.'
" 'Makin' what.'
" 'Fucking, y'dummy. I think this has something to do with fucking. Wanna try it?' " 'What do we do?'
" 'Lie down. I'll get on top of you like my brother did and we'll see what happens.'
"So I laid down. What did I know? Joel, he pushed his pants down around his knees and lay down on top of me. I felt his hard thing pokin' at my belly button, but I figured that wasn't the way. 'Listen, does that make it feel better?' " 'No. Not really.'
" 'Try putting it between my legs. That's it ... bend it down so it goes between my legs. There, how's that?'
" 'Better, I guess. It feels good to have your warm legs all around it. I don't know, though. When my brother was doing it, the girl had her legs spread apart real wide and he seemed to be shoving his thing in and out of her somewhere.'
" 'Well, let's try it.' I spread my legs apart and Joel took his thing in his hand and started poking around at me down there. 'Is that what your brother was doin'? '
" 'Couldn't be. He didn't have to hold on to it. You're kind of wet down there ... you peeing or something?'
" 'Of course not! It just sort of feels good to have you pokin' around like that, good but I think there's gotta be more to it than just this. Where's the wet com in' from?'
" 'Inside you, I guess.'
" 'Gimme your thing, Joel. If I'm not peeing, an' I'm not, then there's gotta be a hole someplace. You ever see a hole when you were down there lookin' around?'
" 'Naw. Just a lot of pink funny skin with flaps and things.'
" 'Well, gimme your thing and we'll see.' So I took his prick and started shoving it at myself until I felt a little give, until it felt extra good. So I took his prick an' I shoved it into myself. I didn't have nothin' to lose. If his thing broke it was his worry, not mine.
"You've got to admit it's funny. Of course his thing didn't 'break' ... the only thing that broke was my cherry. But I didn't care. It felt so good inside of me. I felt like I had him imprisoned, like I could hold onto him forever and never let him go 'cause I had captured his thing with my snatch. And once we'd figured out what to do, and how much fun it was, well Joel and me was at it all the time. About a year later I got my first period, and by then Joel knew what that could mean ... so he asked me if I knew how to protect myself. What the hell did I know? Protect myself. Against what? An invasion from Mars? But Joel told me the facts of life and I got a little scared about maybe having a baby. My folks never talked about anything like that ... I don't think they even did anything together anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't really a virgin birth! But good ol' Joel, he started pinching his mother's pills and made me take one every day, and stop when she did.
"Now, of course, I realize how lucky I was. Neither of us knew that the pills had to be timed to the individual woman's menstrual cycles. We just thought that if I took the pills whenever she did, stopped when she did, everything would be all right. Dumb kids, that's all. When I think of what could have happened, though, I sure agree that there ought to be sex education in the schools! If the kids are going to bang each other anyhow, then at least they should know about how to protect themselves!
"Anyhow, as we grew older Joel and I worked out a little business. You can't call it whoring and pimping ... we didn't know what all that meant. But we found out that guys would pay money to do the same thing to me that Joel was doin' for free. I wasn't the prettiest girl in school, but I wasn't no dog neither. And I had titties first! Don't kid yourself ... the first girl in school to wear a bra is a big shot! We worked out a regular schedule and Joel would line up real appointments, like a big executive or something, and then for a quarter or fifty cents, the fellows could touch or fuck.
"But one day, Joel had lined up somebody special. There'd been this man, see, who used to hang around the school grounds. Nice-lookin' guy, maybe around forty of fifty-you know how when you're a kid everybody looks a hundred years old-and he'd kind of figured out what was goin' on so he took Joel aside one day and told him he'd give us a dollar, one whole dollar, if he could come watch. Well, Christ! A whole dollar just to watch? So we said he could ... and that was the beginning of an entire education for me, a whole new world. The old man-we used to call him Mr. Gee-whiz 'cause he was always so proper about everything-sure knew a lot and sure taught me everything I know about makin' boys happy. And I wanted to make the boys happy ... happy enough to want to come back again and again.
With Joel, it was mostly the money he wanted. But not with me. I just liked the feeling of being wanted, of being needed, of knowing that if I made them happy, they'd want to come to me again. I needed their attention, the sly winks they'd give me in school when nobody was looking, the feeling of being somebody special. And I owed a lot of my success to Mr. Gee-whiz.
"At first he would just sit there and watch. That's all. After the third day, he began to play with himself sitting just a few feet from where some boy would be banging away at me. I used to sneak looks at his prick and it was the biggest thing I'd ever seen. But he was always real neat about jackin' off, always had a big white hanky in his hand ready to shoot his wad into. Then I got curious about what it would feel like to have a cock that big up inside of me, not just kid stuff. I started to tease him a little ... you know, flirtin' with him. I started spreadin' myself open more so he could see my wet pussy whenever some guy was about to get up on me ... and especially when the guy would pull out of me. Let him see all that come oozing out of my cunt, and what he was missing. Christ! What guy wants to jerk himself off when he can sink his dong up to the hilt in a girl's hot snatch?
"Sometimes, 'specially with some dumb kid who'd pop off too fast, I'd begin to massage my own titties, pushing them up toward him like I wanted him to kiss 'em. Which I did. Want him to kiss 'em, I mean. That was the only trouble with those guys, they didn't have any finesse. They'd just climb up on me, shove their bulging cocks up my snug little hole, and give a couple of grunts and then it was all over. None of 'em had ever made love to me, know what I mean? They just fucked me. That's all.
"Well, finally Mr. Gee-whiz couldn't stand it anymore. One day he stopped me after school and told me that he'd give me five dollars if I'd go with him to a room he had nearby and let him do it to me. Five dollars! I didn't have to think about it twice, I can tell you that!
"I followed him to this run-down building that looked like a boarding house (or what I thought a boarding house would look like) and up to his room on the third floor. It was a nice-size room with a washbasin and a big bed and a closet kind of thing on four legs like a great big cupboard. The can was down the hall. He closed the door after us and turned the key, then took off his overcoat and gestured to me to do the same.
" 'How old are you, Emily?' he asked me in his funny, tight voice.
" 'Fourteen next week,' I told him and it was the truth.
" 'Do you like letting the boys from school fuck you?'
"I watched him casually undressing while he was cross-examining me. He really wasn't in bad shape for someone his age, at least he didn't have big bulges all over or wrinkles like a turtle. And I already knew what his dong looked like. But I hadn't expected such big balls. Jesus! They were like stuffed tobacco pouches! His dick was limp, but he began to massage himself idly while I, too, got undressed. 'Sure. I like the guys to fuck me. It feels good.'
" 'What about the money they give you? Do you need money?'
" 'Doesn't everybody? But I do it mostly 'cause I like to and not because of the money. Are you going to fuck me?'
"Mr. Gee-whiz smiled at my question. 'I think it's time that you learned about lovemaking, Emily ... not just fucking. Has anyone ever made love to you?'
" 'Isn't that the same as fucking?'
" 'No, it's not. Come, come lie on my bed and make yourself comfortable while I pour us a little wine. Do you like sherry or would you prefer something drier?'
"Who knew about wines? 'I don't care. Whatever you're having is fine with me. What's the difference between fucking and making love?'
" 'Pleasure, m'dear, pleasure.'
"He handed me a thimble-size glass with an amber liquid in it. I sipped it and at first I didn't like the taste ... it was kind of sour-sweet. But almost instantly it made me feel sort of warm all over, gave me a kind of nice glowing feeling. Especially down here, in my twat. It just got a nice, fat warm feeling as if all the alcohol were settling down there instead of inside my stomach.
"He stretched out beside me, his long hairy legs crossed over each other like Christ on the cross, and his dong was puffed a bit but not really hard. I remember there were curly white hairs mixed with the dark hairs on his chest and around his cock, a real mat of hair like a tangle of fine weeds. And I thought it must be very sad to know you're getting old, to be able to look at yourself and see your own body beginning to fall apart ... I mean, like once you've got white hairs, well, it's a one-way road to being closer and closer to dead. It must be awful to know that you're closer to being old and dead than you are to when you were born and young. And thinking like that, I kind of got the feeling that Mr. Gee-whiz was sort of doing me a last-wish favor, a dying good deed. And I especially wanted to please him, to do whatever he wanted so that he wouldn't feel he was wasting his time with me. I felt awful sorry for Mr. Gee-whiz ... and grateful.
"I reached over and touched his cock gently. I'd never seen any other grown man's cock. It wasn't too much different than a kid's ... except that it was bigger, and sort of authoritative. A kid's prick looks frisky, y'know? It's fresh and rarin' to go. But a man's is surer of itself ... I don't know ... sophisticated like.
" 'That's very kind of you, Emily. Have you ever sucked cock?'
"I shook my head, but the idea seemed groovy. Why not? I leaned forward and my hair fell across his abdomen as I planted a small kiss on the tip of his penis. It jumped at me and I giggled, feeling sort of silly at the same time.
" 'The basic idea, Emily, is to make your mouth like your pussy. You must be careful of your teeth, of course, because a man's penis is terribly sensitive and you could injure him badly. Would you like to learn how to do it right?'
"'Sure!' I readily agreed. Hell, he was giving me five dollars and I was getting an education to boot. Why not? Well, I'm a pretty bright person and he really didn't have to tell me very much. Mostly he just sort of guided my head and my hands, and I caught on as we went along.
"I began to kiss along the sides of his shaft, letting my tongue trail along, wrapping it on the underside of his thing and licking in long broad strokes. I could feel his thing reacting to my kisses and that made me feel good. It was also turning me on. He brought my hand down to his balls and helped me form a cup with my palm, bouncing first one then the other like I was testing how much tobacco he had in 'em.
"I couldn't help marveling at how smooth the tip of his cock was, and the little eye at the tip had filled up with a grayish-white thick fluid that just fascinated me. I wanted to taste it ... so with my free hand I grabbed his shaft and brought the big knob right into my mouth. Kind of like sticking a whole ice-cream cone into your face, only it was like a hard rubber ball. I ran my tongue across it and the fluid had sort of a salty white sauce taste to it ... slithery, but interesting. And then I got to liking the taste and the feel of his cock in my mouth, the feeling of that big head rubbing against my cheeks and growing bigger and bigger inside of my face. The idea of it grabbed me, know what I mean? It turned me on like wild.
"I changed my position then so I could straddle his legs and rub my pussy against his knee. By then I was really wet down there and I just seemed to slide against him like he was greased or something. I guess my clit must've really been horny 'cause it had never felt so good to have something rubbing against it. I had always liked the feel of cock inside of me, filling up my vagina ... but this was different. This rubbing on my clit was sending wild tingles all through me and I could feel myself breaking out into a light sweat all over.
"He'd propped himself up against the headboard so he could watch me, and that turned me on, too. Knowing that he could see me naked, rubbing myself against him, and sucking on him all at the same time. I wished to hell I could get something up inside of me while I was licking his hot dick and rubbing against him, but I figured there wouldn't be any room for me to get anything up inside and rub at the same time. Shows you how little I knew. Mr. Gee-whiz tapped me on the shoulder and motioned to me to turn around, to stick my ass in his face. Or, at least, that's what I thought he wanted. I was kind of sorry to have to stop rubbing myself, but what the hell, if that's what the old guy wanted, it was jive with me ... I had my whole life ahead of me.
"Oh man! what a pleasant surprise was waiting for me! He began to run a wet finger up and down the crack of my ass, blowing hot breath on me back there, teasing my ass-hole with his finger and then letting his finger run down into my snatch, pretending to go up inside my hole for a few seconds, then taking a couple of swipes at my clit so that even I could feel that my clit was gettin' big and round. It felt wild. He'd pinch at it a couple of times, lightly, like a soft clothespin, and it sent shivers through me. I'd never known how sensitive my clit was, how terrific it was to have someone play with it.
"And then he stopped foolin' around and took my hips with both his hands and brought my pussy right up to his face and began to lick at it. I damned near fainted, it felt so fantastically good! Why should a tongue feel any better than fingers or a cock? But it sure as hell does! Now I knew why he wanted me to suck on his thing ... if my mouth on his prick felt even half as good as his mouth on my burning cunt ... oh wow! I've got a real neat pussy, thank God. like a paper airplane or something. There's the skin on the outside, and then this envelope-kind of flap that hangs down and that's all. I've seen some girls' cunts and they've got acres of flabby ugly red skin down there-Christ! I don't know how a boy finds her hole with all that junk flappin' around. But mine's real neat. All you gotta do is pull the outside skin apart a little and there's my hole and my clit just sittin' there waiting for lovin'. You can't miss it! And Mr. Gee-whiz was licking me like a roll of stamps, stickin' his tongue up inside my hole, and then grabbing my clit between his lips and making those pinching feelings again except that as his lips would sort of pinch at my clit, his tongue was rollin' the hard nub around and around.
"He brought his hands around and cupped my breasts and teased my nipples, running his palms up and down my rib cage every once in a while. And I could tell he was really enjoying himself, that he liked sucking my hot box even with all the juices I could hear were pourin' out of me. I guess you could say that he was goin' at my cunt like a kid might want to bury his face in a cream puff and just wash it all up from himself ... I don't know how to describe it, really. But I'd never felt anything so terrific in all my life, and it made me feel like all my veins and arteries were on fire, and that fire-kind of like an oil spill-was all traveling down to my cunt making it hotter and hotter....
"By then I could feel his prick gettin' ready to just burst and I was happy for him, and anxious to taste his come, to swallow it for him and make him happy. What he was doin' to me felt so damned good I could hardly concentrate on what I was doin' to him, but I guess that didn't matter to him. And pretty soon he was humpin' his thick hard cock into my mouth against my throat, and I was pushing my twat into his face rubbin' myself against his nose and his tongue and we were both sweatin' something awful and then I felt him say right into my snatch, 'Now, Emily, now!' and he was shootin' and shoo tin' this hot come down my throat and I sort of spasmed into another world and got all tight up inside and then felt myself flooding open and my beautiful pussy was clutching and jerking and grabbing.... Well, it was the most beautiful come I'd ever had in my entire life and I'll never forget Mr. Gee-whiz for showing me that there was another way to go besides just stickin' a stiff prick up my hole and that's that.
"I met quite a few times with Mr. Gee-whiz after that day. He taught me all sorts of things, but most of all, I felt a kind of bond between us ... not love like getting-married love, but a kind of love. Something I'd never known before in all my life. A feeling of being wanted and appreciated, of sharing. I still made out with the boys at school-only my prices went up as Joel learned how much the guys got as an allowance-except that my attitude had changed. I still enjoyed myself, but it was different ... I felt older than them, wiser. I felt like I was doing them the favor and not the other way around. But then Mr. Gee-whiz went away ... and I was kind of lost. My buddy, the person I could really talk to and make love with, was gone. What did I have left?"
Quite obviously, one of Emily's chief problems is her extreme fear of being alone, a fear so extreme that it can be classed as a phobic reaction.
In this phobic reaction Emily had displaced the content of the original conflict, which stemmed from a complete lack of interest in her activities by her parents, into an object and a situation in the external environment which has a strong symbolic influence and significance, namely, the closeness of sexual contact serving as a shield against the fear.
The problem of differentiating fears from phobias, or healthy from morbid fears, becomes increasingly difficult as one finds that many of the normal developmental fears of children have never been experienced and are often quite irrational. In other words, Emily fears being left alone because she feels she was left alone, although in all-likelihood the aloneness was one of communication, rather than actual lack of physical presence. The reaction of an adolescent or child in a situation such as this often seems to be quite disproportionate, persisting for long periods of time. It would, therefore, seem as if many of the simple fears, such as this fear of being alone that Emily feels, may actually represent phobias in which an apparent neurotic anxiety is hidden behind an apparent object of anxiety, the internal danger being transformed into an external one.
In the normal process of psychosexual and emotional development children outgrow their susceptibility to the anxiety producing situations of being alone. It is, therefore, the persistence of this infantile phobic tendency which characterizes the neurotic in the making, a neurosis which takes on all the tones of a paranoid personality.
Many of the phobic, and even schizophrenic, elements are present in the paranoid personality, coupled with an almost exquisite sensitivity in interpersonal relations. Suspiciousness, mistrust, envy, extreme jealousy, and stubbornness are characteristic. Most marked is the tendency toward projection, a mechanism of defense by which one's own internal inadequacies and immaturities are attributed to others. This mechanism operates unconsciously and, although it is very common in children, it is usually not so highly systematized in the adolescent stage as it is in the adult. Projection offers the adolescent a means of ridding herself of uncomfortable feelings of inadequacy. This does not mean, however, that the child who projects is necessarily going to develop a paranoid personality. Just that this development sometimes takes place, as it is clearly taking place in Emily.
J.J. Michaels, in The Management of the Juvenile Delinquent: a Point of View, noted that delinquent behavior occurs in a complex psycho-socio-biological matrix. The earlier and the more persistent its appearance, the more one must consider a constitutional cause. The later and more transient the delinquency, the more-likely it is to stem from a neurotic factor such as the paranoiac personality. It was also Michaels who differentiated a form of delinquency associated with persistent enuresis, for which he suggested the rubric of impulsive character.1
F. Redl and D. Wineman provided a careful delineation of the techniques of the delinquent ego, notably an ego whose strength lies in its resistance to change. Among these are the strategy of evasion (no guilt), the search for delinquency support (enlisting other peers to shore up the delinquent value structure), and the mechanized warfare with change agents (fighting authority figures).2
In a case such as this a second concern has to be the special reactions of the adult community to a teenager such as Emily. In general, it is probably safe to say that adolescents are more commonly scapegoated than any other age group, which would lead to the intensification of the paranoid reaction. The adolescent's preoccupation with herself, her volatility, her burgeoning sexuality, and especially her negativism and acting out to define societal limits casts her easily into the scapegoat role.
With Emily there is a distinct possibility that the developing paranoid personality elements may combine with psychological depression, which could easily lead to an attempt at suicide. Mood swings are common at all ages, but they appear particularly rapid and inexplicable
1) Liebman, S. (editor). Emotional Problems of Childhood. Philadelphia, Pa.: J. B. Lippincort, 1958. p. 116.
2) Redl, F. and Wineman, 0. Children Who Hate: New York: Free Press, of Glencoe (MacMillan), 1951.
in adolescents. It was long believed that true depression only became possible after the teen years, but there are now many documented cases of adolescent depression. Affective changes are-likely to follow any disappointment in" oneself, in one's peers, in one's parents, or in one's ideals. Bursts of vigorous and even violent activity may alternate with apparent laxness or inability to work or study. By and large, these happenings in the teenager are commonplace, but it is an established fact that the incidence of suicide takes a sharp climb during the late teens, and should "blue" depression combine with the "everyone hates me and is out to get me" syndrome of paranoia, the chances that there will be an attempt at suicide are very probable.
"By the time I got into high school, almost two years ago, I was really just a hardened little whore. Something went dead inside of me without Mr. Gee-whiz and his friendship. I'd felt abandoned and I sort of went wild with the boys in a kind of crazy revenge. And there were very few guys who hadn't laid me at least once. And I guess that the girls must've known about it, too, 'cause none of them would even talk to me. Bunch of sour-grape prudes. Jealous, that's all. They were probably spreading their legs for bananas and hating my guts for getting the real thing.
"But I guess I was gettin' smart ... or maybe just older. I decided to cut out the pay-as-you-lay plan and just put out for guys I liked-for free. Maybe then I could get myself a boyfriend like the other girls had. Christ! If they could get boyfriends when they weren't even puttin' out ... then I was damned cocky I could get one, too. I wanted to do the movie bit on Saturday nights and go to the dances at school ... all that stuff. I figured if I started to go to the school games that maybe some of the guys would see me in a new light-without my crotch on display.
"So I started wearing maxis instead of minis, and pants suits ... you know, playin' down my curves so maybe some guy would look at my face for a change. I don't think my folks noticed the difference at all. They gave me an allowance and left the buying of clothes up to me. They said it was so I'd learn a sense of responsibility, but I knew it was only so they wouldn't have to be bothered.
"Anyhow, I soon figured out how to follow a football across the field without cheering for the wrong team. I even tried to become a cheerleader, but the other girls nixed me on it. I'll bet they were worried that I'd look better in a sweater than they did! But little by little the guys were beginning to take me a little more seriously, even just talkin' to me once in a while in the halls between classes. Well, it was a start. But I couldn't seem to turn sex off inside of me, know what I mean? Maybe I'd just gotten so used to it I couldn't kick the habit ... I don't know. I just was goin' wild inside myself all the time and wanting to get fucked real bad. I had a rough time fallin' asleep at night, and playin' with myself just didn't do anything for me. I even lost my appetite and sort of dragged my ass, which is not like me. Anyways, one day we'd been playing one of our top rival high schools and we'd been beaten to a pulp. I mean, man, we were laid out flat.
"Just about everybody had split after the game ... sulking out like our team all had vd or somethin'. Christ! I figured the guys would need a little cheering up, someone to tell 'em that they'd do better next time, that the game had been fixed ... anything! Not just ignoring them like that. I know how it feels to be ignored, boy! do I know. So I ambled over to where the guys were comin' out of the locker room on their way home. Most of 'em just walked on by, saying nothing, not even to each other. But I knew one of the fellows pretty well so I waited and I waited for him to come out. And finally he did, with a buddy of his.
" 'Hi, Jerry. I'm really sorry about the game ... you guys did everything you could,' I told him, or something like that anyway.
" 'Yeah. Thanks, Emily.'
"He started to walk on, then the two of them stopped, said something to each other, then came back to where I was standing. Jerry whispered in my ear that his buddy was really feeling pretty low and that maybe I could help out. Shit! I knew what he meant. So I nodded and indicated toward the gymnasium building. When we all got there, only a few lights were still on but enough to make out the benches against the walls, the mats piled up in one corner. Jerry and his buddy-Dick was his name, I think-laid a few of the mats out on the floor.
"And that Dick was suddenly like a wild animal! He grabbed me by my hair and threw me down on the mats like an old rag doll. Before I even knew what the hell was the matter with him, he had pulled down his jeans and was waving his meat at me like he was gonna club me to death, like I'd done something horrible to him! What a creep! But Jerry cooled him, told him to take it easy, that I was an all right chick and that he didn't have to get all uptight over anything. Well, something snapped in the guy and Dick just sank down to the mat and began to cry. like a baby, you know what I mean ? Sobbin' out his frustration, I guess. Well, that led to me and my big heart-I have always been a softie for guys who are in trouble-and I just started stripping down, starin' at his limp prick and how it lay there while the guy was pourin' out his heart.
"Jerry had also stripped down. I'd never gone on a threesome before, but I figured this was as good a time as any. I leaned over and, stretching out alongside Dick, I began to play with his prick. After a few moments, his crying let up a little and he rolled over on his back with his arm over his face. I just wanted to make him feel better, so I lifted his penis to my mouth and began kissing it-little tiny kisses all up and down it, and down around his balls. I hadn't done that to a guy since Mr. Gee-whiz and I realized that I felt sorry for this kid, too.
"Jerry was sittin' cross-legged real near to us and he was fondlin' himself and muttering things like, 'Jesus! I didn't know you'd do something like that,' and other things along those same lines. It made me feel pretty important, I don't mind tellin' you, and I knew that I had even more surprises in store for him.
"So then I started licking Dick's dong, playing with his balls at the same time. Well, he sure'n hell began to react to that, let me tell you. His prick was really gettin' right on up there in no time at all. Then I took the warm shaft in my hand and started to lick around the ridge at the head, darting the tip of my tongue in and out of the tiny little hole at the tip of it, trying to get that same milky stuff out that Mr. Gee-whiz used to come up with all the time.
"Dick really started moaning then, kind of writhing around on the mat and trying to shove his cock up into my mouth. I was real careful and took a little love-bite on the head of it, and I thought he was gonna leap out of his skin! But I guess he took it the wrong way, and he grabbed me by the hair again and twisted me up to my knees in an all-four position.
"'You little bitch! You want to suck cock? Okay, suck! I'm gonna fuck your face, baby, and fuck it good. I'm gonna shove my big cock all the way down your throat and make you eat my come until you drown!'
"And he started laying it on me real heavy, slammin' his rigid cock into my mouth so that it was bangin' against my throat and gaggin' me. I was gettin' kind of scared, too, until I heard Jerry tellin' him to take it easy and that if he didn't know how to get sucked off, that heJerry, that is-would take over. He'd never had his cock sucked before I guess. Well, that cooled this nutty Dick again an' he started fuckin' my mouth a lot nicer, slow and easy and really enjoying himself.
"Jerry was too hot to just hang around and do nothing but supervise, but then, he always did have a short fuse. Anyways, me on all fours and this Dick character fucking my face was all right for Dick, but it wasn't enough for Jerry. He came back around me and hoisted up my ass so's he could get at my cunt with his hard on. And when I felt him shoving it up inside of me, I was really awfully happy. It had been such a damned long time that it was like comin' home after you'd been away for months and months. I knew at that moment that I could never hold out like I'd been trying to. It just felt too goddam good having a hard cock rammed up inside of my hot wet snatch, feeling the big thing rubbing against the insides of my hole and poking against that wall that's up inside there. Every time Jerry would pull out a little, I'd slam my hips back up against him so I could get his stiff cock all up and snug inside of me where it belonged. I was really kind of glad to be home again, you know what I mean? Jerry was making me so hot, fucking me like that, his hands holding on to my hips and pummeling at me with his shaft that it was all I could do not to just come right away and spoil everything by having to take a rest.
"But I knew that this Dick creep was pretty near to shootin' his wad and I didn't want to stop nothin' right then and there. I just wanted to have that lug get his rocks off so he'd stop yanking on my hair every time he got a hair up his ass! And I knew that Jerry could hold out for a while, him and me had made it before enough times so that I wasn't worried about that.
"Well, finally this Dick creep began groaning and moanin' and carryin' on until you'd a thought that I was chewin' him up and spittin' out the pieces ... and there he went again with the hair. He grabbed me again and made one great big thrust with his bulging cock and started shooting into my mouth ... and shooting. As rough as he was, at least the guy had something in his pants to let go with, I'll say that for him. Anyhow, he slumped down on the mat, breathin' real hard and I figured I could forget about him for a few minutes anyway.
"So I rolled a little, showing Jerry that I wanted him to get on top of me and fuck me real hard. He didn't need much prompting ... screwing a girl from behind is a nice variation once you've already gotten your rocks off and are then just lazily goin' at it again. But for openers, especially if a guy's really horny, they usually prefer to slam it in and feel their balls slapping at your ass.
"I could've been fucked for hours an' been happy. I guess it's kind of like an alkie who's decided to fall off the wagon ... you want to make up for lost time, but then, you don't want to pass out before you can really enjoy the feeling. I'm just guessin', though; I haven't got that problem.
"But I threw my legs around Jerry's waist and clung to him as he sweated and ground his prick deep inside of me, letting my hands feel his strong young muscles, lettin' his cock work its magic inside of me. There's just nothin' like a hard fat prick completely filling up your hungry hot hole, pushing in and out, the head of it rubbing along the sides of your starving vagina, feelin' all his juices and your own making a nice slippery cave for his piston. Man, when a girl's getting fucked, she knows she's alive and she knows she's needed! Even if a guy's madly in love with some other gal, while he's screwing me he isn't thinking about nothing else but me and my greedy hole!
"And then Jerry was ready and he started talkin' at me the way he always did.
" 'Oh yeah! I'm makin' it, baby, I'm makin' it ... come with me ... let me feel that tight snatch of yours snappin' on my cock, milkin' it dry ... let me feel you comin' too ... I'm gonna make it real sweet this time, real hard ... gonna shoot enough come into you to keep you drippin' for a week ... gonna make it now ... gonna fill your little cunt ... gonna commm....
"And he did ... and, oh wow! so did I! It started in my belly, and snowballed to my ass and then came roaring up to my snatch till I exploded in wild spasms, one right after another, twitching and grabbing ... it was really terrific!
"Well, after that, the three of us lay around smoking cigs-which the fellows shouldn't have done, bein' in trainin' and all-and just catching our breath. We went at it a few more times, and the best was when I was straddling Jerry, riding up and down on his cock like some kind of merry-go-round ... and then Dick came up and fucked my ass. Mr. Gee-whiz had fucked my ass before, so I was ready for him. But it's something else again when you've got a big cock up your cunt and another big cock shoved up your ass-hole! You're being torn apart and you couldn't be happier about it. Really groovy.
"Finally the boys had had it. I was still rarin' to go, but the guys said they were finished for the night. They were pretty good-natured about me wantin' them to fuck me again and again, but they wouldn't budge. No hard on, no fuck. I wasn't mad or anything, but I was disappointed. You can't give a starving man half a cracker and expect him to be grateful! As far as I was concerned, the appetizer was nice ... but where was the meal ?
"But no is no and there was nothin' I could do-no matter how hard I tried-to get a hard on for either of the guys. So we just started talkin' about the game and how rotten everything had gone. The guys really felt bad for the coach and told me that he was kind of psycho about our school winnin' the cup this year. Jerry said that he'd heard that the coach had just gone through a divorce, and Dick said he thought the guy was really all torn up about not being with his son all the time, just on weekends. And they both thought that it was on account of that that the coach just wasn't really pitching the team right. So we figured out a plan. The big deciding game was gonna be this month, the one that would either keep us in for the finals or leave us behind ... and that what the coach needed was a little coachin'. like maybe if he got his rocks off before the game, got a lot of flattery and that sort of thing ... well, that he'd be in better shape to really fire up the guys with some smart instructions.
"We set it up that the night before the big game for the finals, I'd sneak into the coach's office and turn him on ... fuck him real good, and then he'd be all right for the following day.
"Everything went off beautifully. The fellas got me past everybody and into the coach's office without any hitches. I was wearing a micro-mini, no underwear, and no bra under my blouse what was cut down to my navel just about. No matter what I did either my tits were gonna hang out temptingly, or my snatch was gonna be a hairy invitation. We figured we'd say that I was Jerry's girl friend and that I was worried about him ... you know, something to give me a reason to be in his office. The rest we figured nature would take care of.
"The coach was bent over his desk when I came in and there wasn't anybody around that I could see. He was startled when I let myself in, the coach-Aaron's his name, or was-and wanted to know how the hell I'd gotten into his office ... only he didn't use the work 'hell,' bein' a teacher an' all. So I started layin' my sad story on him, how worried I was about Jerry and all that bullshit ... and makin' real sure that he could get a hot damn view of my titties. But Aaron, he just kept trying to look the other way. He made sympathetic noises, but he just didn't want to look at my boobs.
"Hell, if he wasn't a tit man, then I'd give him a bird's-eye view of my snatch! I sat down on the edge of his desk, right in front of him, and with one leg hangin' to the floor even if he couldn't see my snatch he was sure as hell gonna smell my heat!
" 'Listen, Mr. D., ' I told him, 'you've just got to help me. Why this game has got Jerry so uptight he can't even get a hard on!
"Well, that startled the coach all right. Enough so that I could see he was gettin' a hard on himself. So I pushed him on it. 'I'm not used to this kind of treatment. Mr. D. I'm used to gettin' it real regular and Jerry's being turned off the way he is, well, it's driving me straight up the walls!' And I could see that I was really turnin' him on. His pants were bulging like he'd stuffed 'em with socks! And his hands just kept opening and clenching, and I could see small beads of sweat on his forehead. As a matter-of-fact, he looked a little like a trapped animal. So I figured I'd better close in for the kill or he was gonna go flying out of that office and I'd have wasted my time.
"I slid off the desk and stood right in front of him with my legs spread apart right in front of his face. I put my hand on his face and told him, 'You're a grown-up, you've gotta understand what it means to get your snatch regular, to shove your prick up inside a happy young body that's dying for it!'
"Something seemed to crumple inside of him and the next thing I knew he'd grabbed me by the hips and brought my snatch right up to his face, burying his face right in my thick bush ... an' he was kind of cryin' softly. His hands shot straight up inside of my blouse and started kneadin' my titties like he'd never felt a woman's breast before.
"I reached down and undid his pants and let his whang go flying out straight and rigid as a poker. So I just sat down on his lap, facing him, and sank his rod up inside of my dripping slippery hole. Mr. Gee-whiz had taught me how to snap, so I figured if I was gonna hold Aaron's attention, I'd better get him so hot he couldn't turn me down no matter if the whole building was on fire.
"And it worked, too. I kept talkin' to him all the while I was snappin' at him, tellin' him how much Jerry liked me to do that to him, and how Jerry always came too soon so we had to do it over and over, and how sometimes I'd suck Jerry off and that I'd suck him off, too, 'cause Jerry thought so much of him ... that all the guys really thought he was terrific ... you know, building up his ego. And I kept tellin' him how nice his prick was, how big it was and how good it felt up inside of me and that I couldn't wait to get my mouth around it ... stuff like that.
"He sure didn't take lpng to come. I guess the poor bastard hadn't had any in an awful long time. After he shot his wad he began blubbering all over the place. I offered to suck him off if it would make him feel better, but he just told me to get out and leave him alone. Well, shit, I'd done all I could do and he was actin' so funny that I figured maybe I should get out and leave him there. He'd get over whatever was buggin' him once he realized how good he felt after shoo tin' his load with a young chick.
"Anyhow, that's all I know about it. I left. I don't know why the jerk hung himself ... I really don't. It couldn't be on account of me ... what for? No guy goes and hangs himself just 'cause he's been laid. That's dumb. But there he was the next day, danglin' in the middle of the gym for everyone to see, his eyes bulgin', the kids tell me, and his tongue all black and hangin' out. Christ! What makes people so weird?"
As we stated earlier, Emily has several quite severe psychopathological problems which will require extensive professional care if she is to achieve any form of content stability. This care for Emily is mandatory, if only because she shows quite clearly all the classic psychological symptoms which lead to attempted suicide.