Chapter 1
"Which One Is You, Ralph?"
"Ralph isn't a bad sort. But then again, he isn't exactly a good sort. What he is, is sort of boring. B-O-R-I-N-G!! !
"I remember when we first got married. I was an innocent kid, never been fucked before by anybody. So it was a really big thing when I saw Ralph naked the first time. You know, with all his muscles, and especially that long, thick one he had waving out from his lower belly.
"And the truth of the matter is that Ralph was, and is, a very good-looking man. He's got a body and cock that'd make almost any sex-hungry gal get goose bumps.
"For a year, he turned me on completely. No, it was longer than that. Almost two years. The first two years we were married, I was more than happy with the fucking I was getting. In fact, I remember our first night together like it was yesterday. That's how exciting and good it was for me.
"Ralph's always been a gentle man. Maybe that's one of his problems. He's too gentle. And unimaginative. But back when we were first married, all he had to do was touch me, and I'd wilt. That's how sexy-and imaginative-I thought he was.
"As I said, I was a virgin when we got married. I know that sounds corny and old-fashioned now, but you have to remember that I was very young, and a country girl, and the daughter of a minister. I guess that's hard to believe now, with the way I talk and everything, but it's the truth.
"We came to Los Angeles for our honeymoon, mainly because that's where we were going to live. I was so excited about everything that I almost passed out every time Ralph would look at me and smile.
"He didn't say anything at all when we started our first adventure in sex. He was stretched out naked, with his cock hard and rigid against his belly, when I came out of the bathroom. I remember standing there, almost numb with excitement, staring at him. He was lying on the bed, with his hands behind his head, smiling at me. His body was magnificent, but what I couldn't take my eyes off was his prick. It was huge. So huge. I couldn't imagine how he was going to get that entire thing in me. But I wanted him to do it. I really did.
"He got off the bed, finally, and slowly started to walk over to me. He took hold of me and pressed his body against mine. He had moved what I was wearing aside, and I could feel our bare skins moving against each other. I could feel his cock jabbing against my lower belly. It seemed to have a life of its own. And it was the first time I had ever pressed my naked body against anybody. It felt glorious.
"The next few hours were the most exciting of my life, and I loved Ralph so much for his consideration and patience, and eventually for the pleasure he gave me, that I almost burst. I was that enthralled with him-and sex.
"That first night, after our embrace by the bathroom door, Ralph picked me up and carried me to the bed. He put me down and sat down next to me. My nightgown was open and falling away from me and while he sat there, talking to me, he let his hands wander around on my body. On my tits, down my belly, to the dark hair of my pussy, then up again, in the cradle of my neck, down again to my pussy, brushing the lips of my cunt with his fingertips. Gently, tenderly. Slowly. And while he caressed me, he talked.
" We're going to make love,' he said. 'We're going to ... fuck.' When he said that, I closed my eyes, seemingly very embarrassed. But I wasn't. Hearing him say the actual word of what he was going to do to me only caused me excitement. I felt a slight lurch down in my cunt, in anticipation of his 'fuck.'
" 'It's going to be a mutual thing,' he continued. 'We're both going to enjoy it tremendously. But I guess you know that it might cause you a little pain at first. I guess your mother told you that.'
"I nodded. I was getting anxious. I appreciated all his talk, and the caresses, but I was anxious to get the talk over with and the pleasure started. I didn't care how much pain I had to go through first.
"Finally, after what seemed like an hour's lecture-during which I almost fell asleep-he got into bed with me. During the last few moments of his talking to me, his caresses of my pussy had turned into a fairly heated finger-fucking. He had just one finger up in me, moving it around gently. It excited me so much that I didn't even hear what he was saying. I knew that I was wet already, just from the touch of his hand. If only he'd realize that and can the talk and start the fuck!
"Almost as soon as he had lain down alongside me, he moved over on top of me. His weight felt heavenly. His body was so solid and strong, and I could feel his hard cock pressed between our two bodies. Let me tell you, I was ready for anything.
"He reached down and moved his cock from between our bellies. I felt the moistened head of his cock slide between my thighs. Ralph groaned. Very slightly. Just enough to excite me even more. I could feel the wetness of my pussy. My whole spine was tingling with excitement about what I knew was going to happen.
" 'We might as well get the painful part over fast,' Ralph said. 'Believe me, sweetheart, I don't want to hurt you, but I have to, in order for us both to have the greatest pleasure of our lives.'
"I nodded, trying to control my enthusiasm. I wanted to look at him, pull him into me, scream at him-'Fuck me. Fuck me hard!' But I didn't do any of those things. I was too embarrassed. All I did was nod and mentally wish that he would get the hell going. Fuck me. I wanted him to fuck me.
"Finally-FINALLY!-I felt the end of his prick pressing up against my pussy. I couldn't help myself. I moved toward it. I wanted my pussy to have hands, so I could reach for his prick and pull it inside. But my movements only brought another few seconds of lecture. Ralph was driving me insane. But then a thought occurred to me. Maybe this was his way of getting me excited. A perverse way of turning me on so much that I was literally ready to beg him to fuck me. Maybe that was what he was doing. But no. He was just being considerate.
" 'Let me do the moving,' Ralph said. I nodded my agreement. I would have agreed to anything, if only he'd put that prick pole of his up into me.
"Then, finally, I got my wish. I felt the knob of his cock slide into me. Just two inches. About that. It felt wonderful. Delicious. I wanted more.
" 'When you get used to that,' Ralph said, 'I'll put more inside you. Darling, we'll be really together.'
"I couldn't help myself. I wanted more of that prick and I wanted it right away. 'More!' I groaned. 'Please put more inside me!'
"Ralph slid maybe another two inches of his cock inside me. I felt nothing but pleasure. The greatest pleasure I'd ever felt in my life. And I wanted more. I already felt filled with prick, but I knew there was a lot more to go. And I wanted it all. But he was going so goddamned slow.
"Again, I couldn't help myself. I reached down and took hold of Ralph's ass with both my hands. I could feel the tensed muscles. I held on to him and then with one gigantic effort I jammed myself on his cock. I fucked myself on his cock. I felt the whole thing slide into me. His whole huge cock. I have to admit that for a short period, the exquisite pleasure I had been having turned into sharp, searing pain. But it was only for a very short time. And then slowly the pleasure-gigantic, wonderful pleasure started to flow back into my body.
"I had been subjected to an hour's lecture about a thirty-second span of pain. That should have been an indication of what I'd have to put up with in Ralph. But at the moment I was above all such thoughts. I was thinking only about one thing: the fuck.
"Apparently, after my short sharp pain, Ralph realized that I wasn't going to have the trouble he'd anticipated. And I guess the realization of what he was doing finally got to him, because all the lecturing ceased and he started to fuck like he was really enjoying it. He moved into me like a greased machine. In and out. Again and again and again. He moved down and took hold of me. I wrapped my legs around him tightly. Pulling him into me. He kissed me deeply, sticking his tongue so far into my mouth that I thought he'd never be able to take it back. I loved what he was doing to me so much that I wanted to tell him.
"When he stopped kissing me, I had to talk. 'Fuck me, darling,' I said. 'Fuck me all night.'
"When he heard that, he hesitated for a split second. I think he was shocked that I would even consider saying such things. But I wanted to, and, as I said, his hesitation only lasted for a few seconds. And then he started to fuck again. In fact, that split-second hesitation was the only pause we had. I remember that while he plowed into me, sliding, oozing, plunging, jamming, I reached the pleasure of an orgasm twice. Which I hear is pretty remarkable for a virgin's first night. But, of course, I was anxious not to be a virgin anymore.
"Finally, I guess, Ralph couldn't control himself anymore. 'I have to come,' he said, sounding almost as though he were sobbing. And then he bucked against me, shoving his prick even more deeply into me. His whole body shuddered as he remained rammed against me. I felt his cock stiffen even more and grow even larger. And then I felt-I honest-to-God felt him shoot his come inside me. One massive spurt after another. Soothing, caressing my in-sides. It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever felt in my life. And if his orgasm had lasted for just a few more seconds, I'm sure that I would have had my third for the evening.
"We had sex four times that night and each one seemed to be better than the former. I think
Ralph was surprised, and even a little shocked, that I had taken to fucking so well. And I had. Believe me, I had.
"For a long while after that first night, sex with Ralph was tremendously exciting. He seemed then to be imaginative and wonderful. He'd do crazy things, like come home early from work and start to make love to me wherever he found me. In the garage, in the basement. In the kitchen. Anywhere. But we always ended up in the bedroom, in the same position. With the same actions. And the same reactions. Of course, at first it was wonderful and exciting, but after a while, it became just a little boring.
"And then, when I discovered that I wasn't capable of having children, some of the enthusiasm for fucking seemed to go out of Ralph. He still went through the motions, but his heart didn't really seem to be in it.
"But it took us almost two years to reach that point. Up to then we'd been reasonably satisfied. Then something happened that made me completely unsatisfied with the sex I was getting at home. And it was a shocking realization. Almost as shocking as the experience that caused it.
"I don't think I've mentioned, despite all the talking I've done, what Ralph does for a living. No, I'm sure I didn't. Well anyway, he's an oil land lessor and troubleshooter for the oil companies. On a free-lance basis. A sometimes very lucrative job. And one I realize isn't too popular with the conservationists, but it's Ralph's way of making a living-and a good one, so I can't complain. It would be dumb if I did.
"And he worked his way up. He started in the oil fields themselves, as a driller. That's how he got his magnificent body. And that's where I met him.
"But anyway, part of Ralph's business was to do some entertaining. For clients and prospective clients. Sometimes this entertainment was just for the 'boys' and sometimes it included me. I always enjoyed meeting these people. They were rough and awfully crude, but fun. One night their 'fun' got out of hand.
"Actually, I guess it was a mistake for Ralph to take me along to this particular little party-it was held for a group of upstate drillers, sans women-but since the affair was being held in a suite of rooms at a very posh hotel, I guess he figured it was safe. Ralph has always been a little proud of me and liked to show me off in front of his business associates.
"Everything went glowingly. I was the hit of the party and, being the only woman there, I can honestly say that I've never received so much attention in my life. The cocktail party was fine, although the drinks flowed a little too fast for my tastes, and the dinner was exquisite. Everybody was feeling no pain, but still behaving themselves. And then the even heavier after-dinner drinking started.
"I should have had the sense to tell Ralph to take me home, but he was deep in conversation with a group of men. The conversation looked important, so I didn't want to interrupt. I should have.
"Some of the attention I was getting now wasn't as welcome as it formerly had been. In fact, some of the men were getting downright rude. I had hands on my tits, on my ass-everywhere. I tried to smile and ignore what was happening, but when it got beyond the point of ignoring, I started to look for a place to hide out in until Ralph was ready to take me home.
"I retired to the bathroom, but that wasn't a good spot to stay in for any length of time. After only a couple of minutes, people started to bang on the door, almost pleading with me to vacate.
"As I've said, the affair was being held in a suite of rooms, so I decided to explore and try to find some quiet place. It was during my explorations that I ran into an experience that I've never been able to forget. As hard as I've tried.
"There was a large bedroom, and a smaller bedroom off that. I retired to the smaller one, in the dark, and just looked out the window. I suppose all the food and drink I'd had got to me almost immediately, because I felt myself getting sleepier and sleepier. I had tucked myself into a chair in the corner, next to the window, and the chair was comfortable. Within seconds I had dozed off.
"I woke up I don't know how much later to the sound of loud and drunken voices. I was groggy and it took me a few seconds to remember where I was. Then I took a look around. I almost fainted at what I saw.
"Obviously, the six men who were in the room hadn't seen me when they escorted their 'paid entertainment' into the bedroom. And by the time they had awakened me, they were well into their games. I just sat there in shock and stared at what was going on.
"A young girl-she couldn't have been more than twenty years old-was stripped completely nude. When I first saw her, she was on her knees in the middle of the room. She had just finished taking the clothes off one of the men before slipping to her knees. I sat there and stared at her as she reached over with her mouth and began sucking on the man's cock. Right in front of the other men. She got a cheer from the assembled group for that little bit of action.
"She didn't stay on her knees-or sucking-long. She got up and went to the second man. She began stripping off his clothes, too. And she used her tongue all the while she was doing it. She'd take off his shirt and then suck and lick his nipples for a few seconds before moving down. When his pants came off, she'd tongue his belly and even down his legs. And then, when he was completely nude, she'd slip to her knees and reach for his prick with her mouth. She'd suck for a short while-even pulling his balls into her mouth-before getting up and moving to the next man. She proceeded with this routine until she had all six men naked and obviously very excited. Believe me, it was the first time in my life I had ever seen six naked men, all with roaring hard ons. It was-well, mind boggling. And all I could think of was how much they must be paying that nice-looking young girl to be doing all that. Six of them. Imagine that.
"But, obviously, sucking cock was just the beginning of the girl's act. When all of them were naked, they lined up. All of their cocks were bone hard. She moved down the line, still on her knees. 'I want come,' she said in this very husky, sexual voice. And then she started to really work hard on all those cocks. She approached the first man and started to suck on his cock like it was the greatest thing in the world. like she was starving to death and his cock was the only food available. He stood there, arching his back, eventually putting his hands behind the girl's head and face-fucking her. I could see that he was getting close. He was groaning and moving faster and faster. She just knelt there, fondling his balls and letting him fuck her mouth. I couldn't help but stare.
"Then he shot. Massive spurts, which she swallowed with no trouble at all. She didn't even gag a little. And I can remember sucking on Ralph's cock and almost vomiting when he surprised me with a load of come down my throat.
"The girl moved from cock to cock, but only two more allowed her to suck them off to a come. The rest pulled out before they shot.
"After she had visited all six, the girl, of her own accord, got up and went to the bed. She stretched out on the bed and smiled lazily. She beckoned to one man, the youngest of the group-the one whose cock she had sucked first.
"He came right up to the bed, got between her legs and stuck his still-hard cock right up her pussy. With one shove. All the way in. The girl started to writhe and buck on the bed, fucking his cock as much as he was fucking her cunt.
"As the one man-his name was Carl something or other (I had met him earlier and recognized him immediately)-fucked her, other men walked up around the bed.
"Suddenly, as I was still sitting there and still staring in disbelief, the girl was completely taken over. I honestly had never even thought such things went on.
"A hard cock was pressed up against her lips and she immediately took it greedily in. Another one of the men managed to squeeze himself between the guy who was fucking her cunt and the one who was having his cock sucked. He straddled the girl's chest and stuck his amazingly long prick in between her tits. He reached down and squeezed her tits together. Then he got into the rhythm of the fuck. As the man behind him moved, he moved. He was using her tits as a cunt, just as the man in front of him was using her mouth for a cunt.
"Two other men stood alongside the bed, one on each side. She grabbed instantly for their cocks and started to jack them off. The girl was amazing. She was like a juggler. She managed to do everything at once. It was a tremendous performance.
"I watched while she was getting cock from all angles, and I continued to watch as suddenly all the men pulled out and away from her. She was by herself for only a split second before one of the men lifted her up and got her on her hands and knees.
"Immediately, her body was attacked again.
In the cunt. In the mouth. But when I heard them discussing how they'd like to fuck her ass while all the rest was happening, I couldn't take it. I managed to slip out of the room without being seen. I was out of the room, but the memory stayed with me for a long, long time."
The great majority of cases involving sexual fantasies require considerable psychoanalytic delving into the subjects' backgrounds-in some instances, as far back as their pre-pubertal developmental age-before the fantasy-triggering episode is revealed. The case of Maria Tis, however, almost immediately resolvable, as the fantasy episode of her narrative following this commentary will show. The combination of factors that are revealed by her up to this point in her narrative strongly indicate, presuppose even, either an overt venture into an orgy-type situation, or a covert, i.e., fantasized journey into same.
Maria's childhood and adolescence, as suggested by her revelation that she was a minister's daughter, were apparently quite rigidly controlled. Her outlook toward love, sex, and marriage was puritanically "proper." Her remarks about her marriage, regarding boredom, is more than likely a statement after the fact. This is to say that the chances that she had actually considered Ralph "boring," as she claims, before her witnessing the orgy at the hotel party, are rather slim. More than likely until that night she had thought her husband to be sexually satisfactory and satisfying. Obviously, having been brought up with narrow views on sexuality, she could not have expected more than she was getting from Ralph in the way of sexual pleasure. It was only when she was "shocked" to see the prostitute taking on six of her husband's coworkers at the hotel that she realized how much more there was to sex than she was aware of.
Curiosity, naturally, took over her mental faculties, and it was more than just a curiosity about something vague and unknown. It was rather a curiosity about how Maria herself would have felt if she had been in the prostitute's place, being made love to by six men. The recollection of the scene, indelibly imprinted on her memory screen, haunted her. Had her background been different, had she and Ralph been on more honest terms with each other, and had she felt that Ralph was a confidant of hers, a friend, rather than simply the man she lived with, Maria could have used a straightforward approach with her husband: she could have revealed to him what she had witnessed and how it had bothered her-or aroused her, which was more true to fact. As it was, however, she could not do anything of the sort.
It is more than likely that her subsequent attempt at sexual aggressiveness with Ralph was a means she thought of using to break down his puritanical front, which, once broken, she felt, would have brought them closer together on what might be termed "the gut level." When Ralph ridiculed and derided her for her aggressiveness, Maria had no choice but to try resolving the problem of her rabid curiosity herself. Here again, however, her upbringing stood in the way. It was simply "not proper" to dwell on the scene that kept materializing in her mind. Consequently, she tried sublimating it, as well as her sexual curiosity. The result--not an uncommon one-was that attempted sublimation was followed by a reemergence of the repressed memory of the orgy in her dreams and, finally, a delusory recreation of that same orgy-only with Maria now as the central character of the erotic tableau: in the solitude of her bedroom.
It might be argued that the reason for her final neurotic state-for the treatment of which she was referred to a psychoanalyst and out of which consultation this narrative was gathered-was the erotic activity she had accidentally been witness to at the hotel. The fact remains, however-as the following citation from Dr. David Abrahamsen's best seller The Road to Emotional Maturity suggests-that it was the repression of her aroused sexual curiosity that gradually pushed her to the vividly lived fantasies and the subsequent manic-depressive state.
The more we repress our wishes, fears, and anxieties, the more we are conflicted. The more conflicted we are, the more tense we become, and the less capable we are of living our lives to the fullest. Anxiety is the natural and inevitable result of a conflict. When this conflict remains, it threatens the ego-the personality, the self. Then, as new problems present themselves, they become greater and more involved because of past behavior patterns; our complexities grow until we find it more and more impossible to accomplish even our regular work and daily tasks to the best of our ability. This condition develops when we cling to old patterns; and as long as we cling to them, we shall not be able to work away our present problems.
Perhaps one of the most curious points about Maria's case is her fantasizing that she was being "violated" by a Negro. Her selection of a black dildo is not sufficient to explain the fantasy. Or, if it "explains" her fantasy, it does not answer why she selected that particular implement. One could venture a psychiatric guess and say that she was subconsciously wishing to degrade herself; coming from a relatively prejudiced family, her choice of "degrading" herself by imagining that she was being violated by a somewhat brutish black man is not surprising.
The dream portion of her fantasy is simply explained by citing Sigmund Freud's statement made in the first chapter of his Interpretation of Dreams, in which he wrote;
...Every dream reveals itself as a psychical structure which has a meaning and which can be inserted at an assignable point in the mental activities of a waking life . ...
And, of course, Maria's dreams were a direct result of the mental activities of her waking life: her waking life was almost continually-until the time when she attempted sublimating her sexual preoccupation-taken up with recalling the unbridled passion she had witnessed in the hotel bedroom where she retired to "hide out."
The remaining portion of her narrative quite clearly shows the progression of her conflicts up until the point where-consumed by feelings of guilt and fears of "insanity"-she decides to seek professional help.
"I couldn't bring myself to mention what I had seen in that hotel bedroom, even though Ralph asked me several times on the way home why I was so quiet. I wouldn't dare mention it because I didn't know what his reaction would be. He had been turning into such a puritan during the last year. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd gotten angry with me for seeing what I'd seen.
"Then, too, I was a little disconcerted about my own reaction. In the back of my mind, I knew I should have been totally disgusted by what I'd seen. I should have been outraged. But I wasn't. I was excited. I was excited seeing that girl being used by all those men. Excited by the fact that she was able to use six cocks.
"And also I was a little angry at myself for having left so early. I might have seen things that were even more interesting. But after that thought, I chided myself. My God, what was I turning into? A sex maniac? A pervert? Better to tell myself that the whole thing had disgusted me and then put it out of my mind.
"But I found during the next few weeks that I couldn't put the scene out of my mind. In fact, the more I tried, the more vivid the whole thing became. And the more exciting.
"I don't know if I've mentioned it, but sex with Ralph by this time had become at best a standard ritual, and at worst an obligation.
"Our sex lives had deteriorated into a routine. A boring routine. We fucked once a week. On Thursday. I'd get into bed, knowing and dreading what was coming because Ralph would spend more than his usual time in the bathroom. And that was another thing he was doing. Sure, I wanted him to be clean, but now when he came to bed on our 'fuck' nights, I could barely smell him at all. He didn't smell like a man; he smelled like a sterilized sheet.
"I also mentioned that I had sucked Ralph's cock once, but that had been early in our married life, and even then, I don't think Ralph was taken with the idea. It smacked, I think, to him of perversion.
"But after seeing that young girl taking prick in almost every conceivable hole, and with the added idea of wanting to spice up our sex life a little, one night instead of letting Ralph climb up on top of me, give me a few perfunctory kisses and then stick his cock inside, I tried to snuggle down along his body. He let me go until he caught on to what I was going to do. I was, simply speaking, going to suck him off.
"From his reaction you would have thought he thought I was the most depraved woman in the world. He actually let out a shocked gasp when he realized I was aiming my mouth for his cock. He pulled my head up-a little too roughly, if the truth be known-and literally bawled the hell out of me. In fact, he was so angry that he didn't even fuck me that night. And it was Thursday. I waited for him to fall asleep and then I fucked myself with my fingers until I had an orgasm. Isn't that too much?
"I got even with him a little. But just a little. One of Ralph's least favorite meals was meat loaf. So every Thursday, what do you think I served with all the flourish I could? You guessed it. Meat loaf.
"Unfortunately, he never said a word.
"About a month after that same party in the hotel, I started to dream about what I'd witnessed. I'd go through the whole thing again, only now I stayed longer than I actually had. I'd see them not only use her cunt and her tits and her hands and mouth, but everything she had. And I mean her ass-hole. One time-in my dream-they even managed to get two pricks up her cunt. At the same time. And another night, all six men fucked her right in succession. As soon as one pulled out, another took his place. It was ghastly, but when I woke up, my pussy was wet and twitching. I was really hot.
"That was the time I had to have cock or bust. Ralph, as usual, was soundly sleeping on his back. He always slept like he was dead.
"I trailed my hand down his chest and then inside the fly of his pajamas. By the way, that was another thing that bothered me. When we first got married, he never wore anything to bed. And a lot of times he'd walk or lounge naked around the house. Now he had all the modesty of a nun. He wore clothes all the time.
"But I got my hand inside his pajama bottoms, and grabbed hold of his prick. It wasn't exactly soft and not exactly hard. Just sort of rubbery. I knew it wasn't in any condition to do anything I wanted it to do, so I started to jack Ralph off. I was so upset and so hot by this time that I didn't care if he woke up or not. I knew if he did he'd be angry as hell, but quite frankly I didn't give a damn.
"His prick got hard in an amazingly short time. Apparently, there was nothing wrong physically with Ralph. So it must be his mental attitude toward sex that was ruining my life.
"I managed to get his hard cock, and his balls, outside his pajamas. As far as I could tell he was still asleep. And also as far as I could tell he was liking what I was doing to him.
"I reached down and stuck a finger inside my pussy. I was so wet that I was almost leaking. I thought I might jack him off at the same time I was fucking myself with my finger. At least I would be touching him. But after only a few seconds of that adolescent activity, I decided that I wasn't able to be satisfied with my own fingers. I wanted cock, and I wanted it hard and long. I wanted to be fucked until I was so sore that I couldn't move, couldn't take any more.
"I got up on my knees and very carefully straddled Ralph's body. His body was still great-looking. I just couldn't figure out why he wanted to keep it covered up so much of the time.
"I reached under me and angled his cock. I had it sticking straight up in the air. It was now or never. Quickly, I lowered myself on his cock. It felt bigger and harder now than it had in a long time. I felt my breath sighing out of my body as that long, hard cock slid up inside me. Deep inside me.
"I had just begun to move around on the cock, feeling it shove against the deepest parts of my pussy, when Ralph woke up.
"For a split second he smiled very lazily and even moved around a little, shoving his prick up into me on his own, but then he must have come fully awake and realized-God forbid!-that he was fucking his wife.
"At that point, though, I really didn't give a damn what he was thinking. All I knew was that I needed cock and I was going to get it.
"He moved his hands up and started to shove me off him. That got me so angry that all I could do was shout at him. 'Keep it in there, you ass-hole!' I yelled at him. 'I need it!'
"But neither my frantic efforts with my cunt, nor the insults I was yelling at him, kept Ralph from pushing me off his prick. I lay on the bed next to him, panting with frustration.
" 'What in the hell do you think you're doing?' he said. I looked at him. There was such a shocked look on his face that I couldn't bring myself to answer. All I could do was get up, out of bed, take a pillow and head for the guest room. He didn't follow me. And that made me even more angry.
"I lay on the bed in the guest room, totally naked, and spread my thighs. I shoved as much of my hand as I could up my pussy and I fucked myself that way until I came. But my orgasm did little except ease a little of my frustration. I wasn't in the least satisfied. I cried myself to sleep.
"The next morning I was really furious. Ralph came down to breakfast and acted as though nothing at all had happened. I know that sounds almost impossible, but it's the truth. He walked into the kitchen, aimed a kiss at my cheek, said, 'Good morning' in his aggravatingly happy early-morning voice, and sat down at the breakfast table and opened the paper. I almost hit him in the head with a skillet.
"I guess you're wondering why I put up with all this shit. Why didn't I simply get the hell out? Sometimes I ask myself the same question. After all, I'm still young and damned good-looking, even if I have to say so myself. I could find another man; somebody who'd love me and love to fuck. But I told you earlier that I'm the daughter of a minister. Of a very strict sect. And I just can't bring myself to divorce myself from the beliefs that I grew up with. If I left Ralph I would be denying the beliefs that my family-and I-have always held sacred. You go through hell, but you never get a divorce. I would have just been written off the books by my whole family.
"Ralph's maddening refusal to face reality lasted through breakfast. If I even tried to approach the subject, he'd look at me, smile softly and say something like, 'Let's just forget it.'
"Damn it. I didn't want to forget it.
"When Ralph finally left for work, I was totally exhausted. I went right back to bed. And sure enough, I had a dream to end all dreams. All the things I'd ever heard of were the things I dreamt about. The worst, the most depraved things in the world were what caused my pussy to be all wet and excited when I woke up. I was scared to death. What was I turning into?
"To get my mind off sex, I decided to go downtown and see a movie. Then I'd do some shopping and just generally lose myself in whatever women do to lose themselves.
"Unfortunately I picked a foreign film to see that had more fucking and bare skin in it than any other movie I'd ever even heard about. And this was a legitimate film in a legitimate theater.
"I left the movie theater feeling more excited, and more disgusted with myself, than I had when I went in.
"I was heading down the block from the theater to one of the large department stores when I passed a little establishment called Red's Book Shoppe. The spelling of the shop's name amused me and then I happened to look inside the window. The sun was shining at just the angle so that I could easily see the display they had in one of the front cases. My heart almost thudded to a stop.
"There were three rows of items included in the display. And I might as well come right out and tell you what they were. It's embarrassing, but I have to tell you some time.
"They were dildoes. Huge, rubber dildoes, some of which were so life-like that they made you look twice. And they were so large. Larger than any possible human counterpart. I frankly stood in the window and stared at them. I was especially entranced with one of them. It wasn't the biggest, but nearly. But it was the darkest. It was a representation of a Negro's cock. It must have been over a foot long, and even included veins in the simulation. It was so real looking-except for its size-that it was almost repulsive.
"Fifteen minutes later, I was walking down the street with a fourteen-inch, black dildo under my arm. The time I'd spent with the salesman had been the most embarrassing ten minutes of my life, but luckily he didn't make a federal case out of my being there, or even snicker when I stuttered something about taking ' ... the black one.'
"I made myself go into several stores, but I didn't buy anything. All I could think of was that package I had clutched under my arm. I was frightened to death that I'd have a fainting spell or something-I've never fainted in my life-and whoever found me would open that package. Or that I'd be stopped by the police on my way home and they'd insist I open all my packages. Looking for what, I haven't the slightest idea.
"I was so embarrassed and at the same time so intrigued by what I'd bought that eventually I couldn't maintain even the appearance of being interested in shopping, so I decided to go home.
"I stuck the package deep in the tire well in the trunk of the car, and when I finally got home, after judiciously avoiding even looking at any policemen who passed me on the way, I smuggled it inside the house under my raincoat. You would have thought I'd robbed a bank and was trying to hide the evidence.
"Finally, I got to the safety and privacy of the guest room. I threw all the other bundles on a chair and brought my special purchase to the bed. I unwrapped it and took it out of the box. I put it on the bed. If anything, it looked even more obscene when it was by itself. I mean, in the display case, at least it looked like it had the legitimacy of being sold, but here, it had only one obvious use. And I was damned determined to use it. No matter what the hell anybody thought! Although if anybody found out about it, I'd die.
"I took off my clothes as fast as I could and just dumped them on the floor. I considered taking a shower but then decided it wasn't really necessary to be clean for a dildo. I got up on the bed. I was so excited I could hear my heart beating.
"I got on my back and spread my legs, bending them at the knees. I felt around on the bed until my hand came across the dildo. I took hold of it. It felt like a sculptured hose. And it was cold! It was too cold! I got off the bed and went into the bathroom. I ran some water in the sink. Nice warm water. I added some skin cream to the water. Then I doused my dildo. And after a few dips, I pulled it out, dried it, and added some more of the skin cream with my hand.
"I almost skipped back to the bed. This was one of the most exciting adventures I'd ever had in my life. I got back into position.
"I pressed the huge knob of the dildo against my pussy. It felt like a fence post. I pulled it toward me. A couple of inches slid in, spreading my cunt something awful. And the damned thing didn't even feel good. But I was determined to use it.
"I pulled the thing even farther into me. It slid in. My pussy was wet from the excitement I'd felt, and the dildo was slightly greased. It went in without much trouble, only it didn't do anything to me. I had half the damned thing inside me-and it had cost a fortune-and all it did was make me feel fat.
"I tried one more pull and a little more went in me, but there was no thrill. Nothing at all. I pulled the thing out in disgust, but slowly. I didn't want to kill myself.
"I was just ready to put the thing back in the box and burn it when another idea hit me. Why not, I asked myself, play a little game? Okay, I answered. Why not?
"I put the dildo on the bed and went back into the bathroom. I pulled all my makeup out and started to go to work. I used everything, and within fifteen minutes I looked like the cheapest two-bit whore you could imagine.
"I went back to the bedroom and immediately started having a conversation with my trick. Or should I say tricks?
" 'Hey, ass-hole,' I said in my sexiest voice, 'you didn't tell me you were going to have a group.'
"My trick told me it was a little surprise. All for me.
"Before I could say anything else, I felt myself being led over to the bed. Hands were put on my shoulders and I was forced to fall to my knees. Almost instantly there was a huge prick pressing against my lips. A big, black prick. I struggled, but finally the man's strength overwhelmed me. 'No, no!' I shouted, but nothing I could say would stop them. They were too turned on by my body.
"I felt myself being forced to take in as much of that black prick as I could. Five inches maybe. I almost gagged.
"I felt a hand on my hand. It was led to my pussy and I was forced to stick two fingers up inside myself. 'Fuck yourself,' a hard, mean voice said. I did what I was told, terrified not to.
"I sucked on the cock until my head was pushed back. My pussy was on fire from the force they made me fuck myself with. I was wet and willing to take anything they had to give me.
"I found myself on the bed, on my back. My legs were forced apart. A monstrous head of a monstrous cock forced itself up against my pussy. With no thought of the pain that he might be causing me, the owner of the black cock rammed it inside me. Half of the huge prick in one savage lunge. It was terrible. It was awful. I shrieked out, half in pain and half in pleasure. The man knew he had me. He fucked me brutally, never for an instant stopping. And then I was surrounded by cocks. One was pressed up against my lips. I took it in. Sucking on it greedily. A body straddled my chest. A huge cock was shoved between my tits. Two more cocks brushed against my hands. I grabbed them ... and then I flooded into the greatest orgasm I ever had in my life.
"I'll probably be in a loony bin in about a month, but it'll be worth it."
The prognosis for Maria T-is very favorable. By having sought professional help, she had made a step toward learning that sexual activity is not to be shirked for reasons given in Victorian circles. A direct statement made by her psychoanalyst ("There is nothing wrong with being curious or desiring to experience as much of sexual activity as possible") had set her sufficiently at ease so that her guilt feelings were diminished almost to nonexistence.
The prognosis for Maria's marriage to Ralph, however, is much less optimistic. Ralph Trefuses to bend his rather hypocritical views, and such inflexibility can result in nothing less than an eventual separation between him and Maria. The chances are, however, that such a step might be better for Maria than any other alternative.