Introduction
"My name is Arnold and I'm 51 years old. That's not a bad age to be, not really. If you keep your eyes open you can learn a hell of a lot by that time-about people, I mean, and about how they work and what they're like. That's the most important thing to learn as far as I'm concerned. Sure, it's important to learn other things, too-you have to have some profession or skill so you can make a living. But if you only know how to make a living and don't know much about people-well, there are people like that, and I can only feel sorry for them.
"It's funny, the more you learn, the less opportunity you have to apply it. When you're young and jazzy and don't know your ass from a hole in the ground, the broads flock to you. You may not know how to get in their pants, but you sure as hell have a lot of opportunities. But you get to be 51-and married for 25 years or soand you don't have many opportunities. The chicks look at you like you're a dirty old man, most of them. They avoid you like the plague. That's the young chicks, of course; you can almost always find a few your own age or thereabouts. Yeah, they're nice, too. But some guys-like me, for instance-get a hankering for young pussy. When I was in my twenties, age didn't mean a thing. A chick was a chick, whether she was 18 or 80; the only thing I wanted then was pussy. But as you get along in years, your tastes begin to narrow down, to get refined, and you begin looking for some quality in a chick. like maybe long blonde hair, or brown eyes, or maybe a certain look in the eyes or a shape to the mouth. It doesn't exactly make sense; I mean, the guy who has these preferences probably couldn't begin to tell you why this or that quality really turns him on, but it does, so that's what he looks for. It's just one of those things you fall into as you get along in years. And the older I get, the more I dig young chicks. There's something about that innocence, that youthful vitality, that fresh, healthy, young skin that really turns me on. So, that's what I usually look for-not that I ever get it.
"And that's why I resort to fantasy quite a bit of the time. Now, I don't think there's anything at all wrong with fantasy-as long as you don't prefer it to the real thing. Now, me, I'll take the real thing any time, or even something that isn't at all like my dream girls, provided she's female. But there isn't much chance of picking up a girl when you've been married as long as I have. Oh, sure, I've had the opportunities-and even gotten one here and there. But you can only tell so many little lies to your wife, and after that you'd better shape up and put her and the house and your duty first-unless you decide that a one-time fuck is worth losing all that. And I guess I just haven't run across the girl who I think is worth all that. So that's why I've come to develop my dream girls.
"I suppose every man has his favorite fantasy. It's the kind of thing you don't usually talk about. You hear guys saying, 'I dig a chick with big tits,' or maybe, 'I go for a girl with long legs,' and so on, and you can be pretty sure that when those men fantasize, that's the kind of chick they picture in their minds. Of course, there will be a lot more to it than just that, but they are sort of giving you a hint about what they imagine when they jack off or just just sit around thinking about chicks. When I'm really horny, and Carol-she's my wife-isn't about to give me a piece of ass, I must admit I do use fantasy to work me up so I can jack off, but a lot of times I just lie back and relax and dream about some chick that I've met or maybe just passed on the street, or maybe I'll just start from scratch and make up one.
"I used to buy those books and magazines with pictures of naked chicks. If I'm going to be honest about it-and what's the sense of telling all this if I'm not going to be honest-I must admit that I still go out and buy those books and magazines. And I've got a whole lot of them now, but I still enjoy finding one that's new and different-fresh, you might say. Well, I used to pick up one of those books when I was feeling horny and I'd look through it and find a picture that really turned me on-a chick that was more or less the type I really dig. And then I'd jack off while looking at her picture, and I'd think about her doing all kinds of sexy things to me. But I personally find it a distraction to use pictures like that. Okay, it turns me on to look at the picture of some sharp-looking naked chick, and it turns me on to see a sexy chick getting fucked by some guy, and it really turns me on to see a picture of two chicks balling each other. But, from there on, I'd rather let my imagination take over. I've met guys who say they dig looking at pictures like that when they shoot off, but I'd much rather close my eyes and let my own fantasies take over. I don't think one way is superior to the other, or that it necessarily indicates that one guy has no imagination, or something like that. It's just that different people have different ways of doing things, and what works for one guy leaves another guy cold.
"Anyway, over the years I've developed a couple of fantasies that I keep repeating over and over in my mind when I'm in the mood for fantasizing. I vary them a little bit here and there each time, but, in general, they are almost exactly the same every time. Now, I'm a married man, and I love my wife. Carol's been just about everything a man could hope for in a woman. Oh, we've had our disagreements, and we even got as far as thinking about getting divorced a couple of times, but we got together and worked things out, and we made a few concessions to each other-minor things, really, hardly worth mentioning, but they seemed awfully big and important at the time. We have two kids, a boy and a girl, and they're both grown-up and married and have kids of their own, now, and we see them now and then, but they have their own lives to live. So, what am I supposed to do-go out and get laid by some strange chick all the time, a different one each week, something like that? No, I don't think that's the way to keep a happy marriage.
"I'm not saying now that I've always been faithful to Carol, but I'm also not saying that I try to fuck every strange piece I run across. Still, being a man, and being human, the thought does cross my mind. And once in a while, everything seems to work out just right and I manage to get a stray piece of ass, and I think Carol suspects that I play around a bit here and there. And, if you must know, I suspect that she hasn't always stayed close to home, either. But we have both been very discreet about it. We don't throw it in each other's faces, you know. And I kind of like the 'creature comforts' which I get from my home life. We still ball occasionally-about once a week usually-but there are things that turn me on that I'd never think of asking Carol to do. And that's where my fantasies come in. The little girls I imagine are really experts at the things I dig, and they always do everything I want them to do without any hesitation. It's just not easy to find girls like that in real life-and if I did, what am I going to do with them? I can't bring them home with me, and I can't spend too much time away from home with them.
"So, I've developed my dream girls; there are two of them-two main ones, that is. Sometimes I'm in the mood for Trixie, and sometimes I'm in the mood for Sally. I've never tried getting them together at one time; I'm not even sure that would work. Sally has a friend named Betty who gets involved with us sometimes, but I just don't think Trixie and Sally would get along together. Anyway, I'll try to describe them.
"Trixie is sixteen-jail bait; and as long as she exists only in my fantasies, I don't have to worry about being arrested and sent up for contributing to the delinquency of minors, or some such charge. She's the cutest, foxiest little nymphet I've ever seen-except maybe for Sally, but we'll get to her later. As I say, she's sixteen and has long black hair that's natural-it's not a wig or anything. God, that hair is soft and silky, and it smells sweet and fresh-the warm smell of springtime. She's about five four and weighs about 120, 130 pounds. I have to guess at these things, of course. You might say I've often laid her but never weighed her.
"Trixie is built for comfort. You know, you've heard that a thin girl is built for speed, while a chubby girl is built for comfort. Well, Trixie isn't fat-not at all-but she's well padded. Her tits are kind of big, a real handful-a good mouthful, too. She's got a fairly slim waist and wide, round hips, and a full ass, and firm, soft thighs. And her pubic hair is soft and silky, just like the hair on her head. She's got green eyes-I dig green eyes, and you don't see them very often. And that sweet little pussy of hers--wow! It's got a grip on it like a vise. And I get all hung up on lapping at that sweet pussy. It's funny, in real life, I've never tried that. I'd never dare suggest it to Carol; she'd think I was depraved or a degenerate or something. Once or twice when we'd been out partying and had a little too much to drink, I got pretty close to it-I kissed her stomach and her thighs-but I've never had the nerve to take that final plunge. We've talked about eating pussy, sucking dick a few times, but she always says, "That's disgusting!' If I argue-which I have sometimes-she'll start talking about 'normal desires,' and she once said, 'No real man would ever think of such a thing.' So naturally I didn't push it. That's the way Carol feels. I don't agree with her at all. But, nobody has a perfect marriage, as far as I can see, and you just make the best of what you have. It's a good marriage, and why rock the boat. I personally feel that a real man with normal desires will just naturally want to kiss his wife's pussy at some time or other. And she will want to suck his prick. It's a way of expressing your deep feelings for each other; it's a way of really getting close to each other. At least, that's what I believe.
"But, in real life, I've never once sucked a pussy. When I was younger, before Carol and I were married, I had a couple of whores suck my dick, and let me tell you, that was a great feeling. Since they were whores and they'd been fucked by I don't know how many men, I just couldn't bring myself to lick their pussies. But, you see, with Trixie and Sally, I don't have to worry. I'm the only person that ever fucked either one of them, so I don't have to worry about them being dirty.
"Here's the way one of my typical fantasies goes with Trixie. I vary it a lot, depending on how I feel at the time, but this is more or less the way they all go. Carol goes off for the weekend to visit her mother or one of the kids or someone. It doesn't matter whom she visits-what's important is that she won't be back for a couple of days and I don't have to think up some lie about working late or having some place to go and all that. Anyway, I go out to take some clothes to the cleaners on Saturday afternoon, and, as I'm coming out of the cleaners, I see this foxy young chick strutting by in a miniskirt that sits on the crest of her ass. I do a double take, 'cause she's just so damned sexy looking. She probably would have passed me by and kept right on going, except that at just that moment, she dropped her purse. It fell open and all the junk in it flew out. She bent over to pick it up, and I nearly shit. Her pink ass was staring me right in the face; she didn't have a damned thing on under that miniskirt! It seemed like I stood there staring with my mouth open and prick on instant hard for a long time, but it couldn't have been more than a minute. Anyway, I rushed over and helped her pick up her stuff, and she was kind of embarrassed and apologetic, and I put her at ease right away by pretending that it was me who had been clumsy, and that I'd bumped into her and knocked her purse out of her hand.
"We both knew it wasn't true, but it made her laugh, and her green eyes sparkled. Anyway, next thing you know, I'd offered her a ride and she'd accepted. I introduced myself, and she told me her name was Trixie. She said she was on her way home, and I said, 'Well, it's better to ride, then, so you don't keep your family waiting.'
" 'Oh, I don't have any family,' she says. "That is, I live with my parents, but they're away for the week, so I'm all alone for a while.'
" 'Umm,' I muttered. 'Doesn't it get kind of lonely? A beautiful young girl like you living all alone?'
" 'It hasn't so far,' she smiled at me. 'My folks just left this morning. But I'm always glad of company.'
"About that time, we got to her apartment, and she started to get out, thanking me for the ride; then she turned to me and said, 'Couldn't I offer you a drink or something?'
" 'Sure. I'd love to,' I told her, 'but I don't want to interfere with any plans you might have for the afternoon.'
" 'Oh, I don't have anything planned,' she said. 'I could use the company. And you've been so nice to me, that's the least I could do.'
"So I parked the car and followed her into a neat little apartment. I sat on the couch and watched her sexy stride as she went to fix me a drink, and she came back with it and sat next to me, kind of sideways, with one thigh resting flat on the couch, her legs gapped open, with her miniskirt barely shading her silky little pussy. I tried to keep my mind on my drink, but with that furry pussy looking up at me-well, I'm only human.
"I needed that drink; my mouth was so dry I could hardly talk. I took a couple of stiff gulps, then I leaned over toward her and said, 'You're the most appealing girl I've seen in a long time.'
"She kind of giggled with that soft voice of hers, and her eyes were all asparkle. I could tell that she knew what she was doing to me with her legs spread apart like that, and it was obvious that she was loving every minute of it.
"I put my hand on her leg-the one that was crossways on the couch-and said, 'You have the smoothest, softest skin I've ever felt.'
"She just giggled again, and she kept her eyes on me, watching my face and the obvious effort I was having trying to keep from jumping on her and just raping the hell out of her. My hand slipped up her leg, and I started caressing her thigh. 'Gee,' she murmured, 'you have a gentle touch,' and she threw her head back and jerked her shoulders as if my caresses were really beginning to do things to her.
"I put down my drink then-that could wait-and, without taking my hand off her thigh, leaned over her and kissed her on the nose. I pulled back about an inch from it and whispered, 'I'm sorry. You're so beautiful, I just couldn't resist.'
" 'If it's too much for you, don't fight it,' she murmured, throwing her arms around my neck, and I leaned in and kissed her madly on the mouth.
"God, what a sexy mouth she had. So many girls have mouths that are kind of flat and prim looking. You have the feeling that they don't really enjoy sex, or even life. But not Trixie; just looking at that full, soft mouth of hers made you think of a big, soft bed with pink sheets and her gorgeous body lying there, almost begging to be fucked. And the way she kissed made my lips tingle. She flicked that nasty little tongue of hers back and forth across my lips, and it kept jabbing at them, and then darting away. I tried to follow it with my tongue, but she always managed to slip away and then flicked tantalizingly at another part of my mouth. I pushed my tongue between her lips and jabbed at her tongue and swabbed at the roof of her mouth. What a sweet-tasting mouth! No cigarette taste or the dull taste of liquor-just the wonderful taste of fresh young girl.
"Even then, with my tongue practically filling her sweet mouth, her tongue couldn't stay still. It wiggled and darted around as much as it could, tickling the underside of my tongue, as if she was so excited she just couldn't keep it still. My one hand was behind her neck, playing in that long, silky, black hair, and the other hand was feeling around at her thigh, getting closer and closer to her pussy, and it finally touched her pussy hair. It hit me almost like an electric shock. My whole body jerked, that's how turned on I was. And I began to run my fingers through that soft, curly pubic hair, feeling the puffy, soft lips of her pussy in all that silky hair. I pulled my mouth away from hers and let out a gasp. Everything I was doing felt so damned good.
"She pulled away then and said, 'Let's go in the bedroom.' "
What, and why, is fantasy?
An obscure Manchurian philosopher is reported to have been once overheard explaining to a nonexistent friend of his the reason for his indecision as to whether he should wear his threadbare and tattered bearskin overcoat to the "coronation" of Henry P'u-i--to which he had not been invited when the said ceremony took place ten years earlier-or whether he should patiently await the return of his chimerical finery from a fictional dry-cleaner. The sage's nonexistent friend was perplexed. He couldn't understand why the philosopher insisted on playing his fantasy game instead of simply deciding not to go to the festivities long past. "Why?" the philosopher repeated his friend's question. "Because fantasy is poor man's reality. It is a window that he can open to let in sunshine in the darkness of the night. It is a commission of deeds for which he never has to answer. It is a coffer of riches he never needs to lock. It is a warmth at his side in the loneliness of a cold winter. It is a refreshing rain from a cloudless sky that cools him in the scorching heat of summer. It is a hand that stays the dagger of despair. It is a bit of madness that keeps insanity at bay . ... "
There are a number of words often used interchangeably, and indiscriminately, that refer to mental experiences that appear realistic or believable but have, despite their vividness, no objective reality, or that refer to the mind's power to call up images, to picture or conceive things that are not actually before the eye or within the experience. Among these are delusion, fantasy, hallucination, illusion, imagination, and reverie.
Before agreeing or disagreeing with the unnamed Manchurian philosopher-unnamed, obviously, because those who are not born are never (except in one's imagination) baptized, christened, or cognominated-and before specifying what, and why, is sexual fantasy, it would be interesting to differentiate among the meanings of the aforementioned six terms, so that sexual imagination, for example, or sexual reverie, or any one of the other three "synonyms" to fantasy would not be confused with it, which is, generally speaking, the central theme of this work.
Essentially, the group of terms falls into two subgroups, one headed by delusion, the other by imagination. If one senses the inherent difference between those two terms, the distinction between any of the remaining terms should not be difficult. If the two groups are sequestered, and if each term within the group is defined, the gradients of meaning-extremely important within the context of this work-become relatively clear.
The delusion group-as suggested earlier-consists of words which refer to mental experiences that appear realistic or believable but have, despite their vividness, no objective reality. Delusion refers to the most extreme and inclusive form of this mental phenomenon, since it may combine complex notions and conceits with vivid sensory imagery; in a psychotic individual, such delusions are totally mistaken for reality and are not voluntarily called up. Fantasy generally refers to an imaginary scene, such as that in a daydream, which is called up voluntarily or not, and which is acted out mentally with vivid sensory imagery, but which is not, except in the mentally ill, mistaken for reality. Illusion refers either to an ideational cluster of notions that everyone experiences, voluntarily or not, but which do not correspond to any objective view of things, or to confused optical phenomena that trick the eye into seeing a situation as other than it is. Hallucination, which in its intensity approaches the believability of a delusion, is primarily restricted to vivid sensory experience that tends to occur involuntarily to any person under extreme circumstances, as in connection with some physical illnesses such as brain tumors, as during a long-term fever, during delirium tremens, or after heavy dosages of painkiller or other drugs.
Whereas the delusion group of mental experiences tends to possess a certain aura of pathology about it, the imagination group does not.
Again, as suggested earlier, this group consists of words that refer to the mind's power to call up images, to conceive or picture things that are not actually within the experience or before the eye. Imagination is the mind's power that applies to the creative faculty that creates a new form of reality, bodying forth things new or unknown by recombining the products of past experience, as well as vivid characters and situations that are true to life. Reverie is an undirected wandering of the mind wherein the mind is not actively fleeing reality but is simply unconscious of the world without. And, finally-again, though with a slightly different shade of meaning--fantasy, which in the imagination group is a vivid daydream directed by the mind like a drama but which, unlike reverie, bears a definite element of escapism.
Although to the layman the preceding differentiation of word meanings might appear to be an exercise in semantics that is, at best, peripheral to the theme of this work, the differentiation is, in fact, relevant if one wishes to distinguish between "a bit of madness" and "insanity." It is premature and, in a way, superfluous to say that the non-person quoted at the beginning of this commentary was not wrong in his prosaic "ode" to fantasy. His remarks will prove to be quite true as each case within this work is brought into focus. Let it suffice to say at this point that although he spoke of "fantasy" in general, a parallel to each of his statements could be drawn in reference to sexual fantasy in particular.
Without burdening the reader with a discussion on the differences between sexual delusion and sexual imagination (for those who care to make distinctions within these specific, i.e., sexual flights of imagine, the preceding material on general flights of imagine should serve as a workable guide), it can be said that within the context of this work sexual fantasy is used as a general term that includes the entire gradient of fantasy, from sexual imagination (a positive trait) to sexual delusion (usually, if not always, a psychopathological one). An example for each of the two "extremes," figuratively speaking, since imagination-any kind of imagination-should not be really considered an extreme, would be: !. A man, separated from his wife, or mistress, who brings forth in his mind (imagines) the naked body of his wife or mistress, and obtains self-gratification (through masturbation) by imagining, perhaps, never before attempted sexual activity with the image, is utilizing sexual imagination; 2. A man, separated from his wife, or mistress, who firmly believes that he is having intercourse with his wife or mistress while he is masturbating-and who, in fact, solemnly swears that he had intercourse with one or the other-is a victim of sexual delusion.
From the preceding, it may be safely stated that sexual fantasies are not isolated cases. Not only are they common (What adolescent or adult has not fantasized someone or some relationship while masturbating? What puritan has not fantasized someone or some relationship while resisting the urge to masturbate?) but they appear to be an inherent element in man's nature. Derek Freeman, in Warner Muensterberger's comprehensive anthology Man and His
Culture: Psychoanalytic Anthropology after Totem and Taboo, states:
Psychoanalytic research in recent years has indicated how intimately fantasy is related to instinctual drive [and there can be no denying that sex is such a drive], and how very varied, depending on situational factors, fantasies may be. These are findings consistent with the rich variation actually encountered in primitive myth and ritual.
But why is sexual fantasy? What purpose does it serve? Can it be damaging? Can it be beneficial? Should one guard against it? Should one give in to it?
To the first question one could answer that sexual fantasy is because Man's sexual hunger is so great that it can seldom be satisfied by reality. Fantasy could be called by the currently popular term "soul food." That there is a purpose to sexual fantasy can not be denied if one accepts the fact that were it not for sexual fantasy, the sexual urge would have to be satisfied with reality. And reality comes in different shades, from acceptably bright to criminally black. As an example, Robert E. Rothenberg, in his Medical Guide to Sex & Marriage, gives an example of a specific sexual fantasy which, undeniably, serves as a "pressure release" for unacceptable reality. More specifically, he writes:
...Fantasy Sadism. In this type of aberration, the individual reaches a climax merely from imagining that he is inflicting bodily harm upon a sex partner. Many of those afflicted by this type of perversity never actually carry out these fantasies.
There is no question that there are some modern free-thinkers who will rise in arms against Dr. Rothenberg, proclaiming that "a sadist and a complacent masochist 'doing their thing' " should not be ostracized, that as long as there is "mutual consent" it is no one's business how a pair of human beings attain sexual gratification, that "fantasy sadism" is a "repression" of natural urges, and that, consequently, fantasy is not a "pressure release valve" but a lid that contains an individual's desires and inhibits him. The only answer that can be offered such "Liberal-minded thinkers" is that a sadist, by definition, cannot be satisfied by a masochist; a sadist's primary urge consists of a combination of two desires-to inflict pain and to dominate (that is, inflict the pain on an unwilling victim). A masochist creates nothing more than frustration in the sadist since the latter cannot force his will upon a willing partner. "Liberal-minded thinkers" notwithstanding, the pressure-release mechanism of sexual fantasies-as several cases within this work will show-is indisputable, as long as those sexual fantasies are controlled.
Which brings one to face the question posed earlier: Can sexual fantasies be damaging? The answer might best be given in the words of Dr. Clara Thompson, presented by way of an example in her pioneering study of women On Women.
...Daydreaming is closely connected with masturbation . ... In general, the daydreams of adolescent girls are more predominately erotic than those of the adolescent boys . ...
When the daydreams tend to replace reality ... the situation is ... serious. When overcoming parental resistance is too difficult, the girl tends to fall back on a dream life. When a father fixation or a mother fixation already exists, fantasy life tends to supplant reality. We then have an important factor for the development of serious disorder, and the mental disorder of prime importance in adolescence is schizophrenia....
Dr. Thompson's statement should not be taken to mean that only adolescents succumb to fantasy. Fantasy is not an inherent quality of a chronological age; it is, rather, a byproduct of conditioning, environment, and circumstances. And the end result of sexual fantasies, taken in the broad sense, need not, and often does not, terminate in a psychotic reaction such as schizophrenia.
In the five cases presented in this study, it will be seen that sexual fantasies are as heterogeneous as are people. They range from the most innocuous and fleeting images to adhering, all-consuming, and reality-erasing delusions. They can be triggered by a vividly recalled sexual event or they can be filtered into a person's mind from the subconscious by an event long "forgotten" and "erased" from memory. They can be as varied as the speckled shading beneath a sunlit tree or they can be single-channeled toward any individual object or any individual act: one individual may fantasize a different sex partner every time he gets a sexual urge, another person may have fantasies of but one love object and only one type of sexual activity with that love object. They can be the result of suppressed reality or they can "boil over" and be allowed to be transformed into reality-as in the case of Evelyn B--.
The purpose of this work is, primarily, to bring into focus the ways of sexual fantasy, and, thereby, to illustrate what happens when Man gives in to more than "a bit of madness" and what happens when he controls that journey into the twilight zone of sex, the realm of sexual fantasy.