Chapter 2

Bernie watched the houses and the people whizz by him as they sped toward downtown Phoenix. The sound of the siren jarred his thoughts and Bernie winced uncomfortably at it.

"Can you turn that damn thing off?" he said finally.

The captain obeyed.

Bernie closed his eyes and settled deeper into the seat. Again he thought of the big man lying dead in the motel room. What a horrible thing that was! How could such a thing have happened? It was unreal, a nightmare. The whole week had been a nightmare and again he tried to remember how it all had happened. If he could only remember how it had started, at least. When did it start? He winced. Such a long time ago! But when did it really get bad?

That last night at the apartment-that was the worst. That last night ... when he didn't dare go home....

He had left the La Casita Restaurant, where he worked the four o'clock to midnight shift, and walked up Thomas Avenue to Sixteenth Street toward the Post Bar. Sometimes after work he'd stop in there for a beer before the bar closed. He usually only had time for one, but that was all right because Bernie wasn't much of a drinker. Sometimes he'd get there right at the wire, but Jan, the barmaid, would slip him one anyway and he'd drink it while she emptied ashtrays, restocked the beer coolers and hustled out the last hangers-on.

Jan winked at Bernie when she saw him coming in. She drew a beer and met him with it at the end barstool, then glanced at the clock and turned to her audience.

"Let's go, pretty people," she said, then leaned on the bar opposite Bernie. She reached out and brushed a hand over his arm.

"How you tonight, Bernie Babe?"

"Okay."

"You got the blues?"

"No, just tired, I guess."

"Mike and Sarah all ready for the trip?" Bernie nodded.

Jan studied Bernie's face while he stared down at his beer. Soon her smile faded and she began to feel the first tremors of anger that always followed the initial good feeling at seeing him. She ran a hand over his arm again, her fingertips bristling the reddish-brown hairs that grew like a soft mat on his skin. When he looked up, she made a face at him and finally he grinned.

"Give me ten to lock up and we'll have a coffee."

Bernie nodded. In a matter of minutes the place was cleared out, including Bernie. He waited in his car while Jan checked out her cash register. He watched the other cars pulling out of the lot until his was the only one left. In a way he wished he could take off, too. In a way he wanted to be home. But he knew he mustn't. Not tonight ... especially not tonight!

Finally, Jan came out of the bar and slid into Bernie's car. She breathed a deep sigh of relief, then suddenly clamped her hands against Bernie's face and kissed him.

"I want pancakes," she said with desperate urgency. "I want a double stack with lots of butter. Hurry, I can't wait."

"You'll get fat," Bernie said.

"I don't care."

"Well, dammit, how can I drive if you don't let go of me?"

"Try it," she said, tightening her hold on him.

"Come on, don't be ridiculous."

Jan drew away, releasing him. She stuck out her tongue at him, then fished through her purse for her compact while he started the car and pulled onto McDowell Avenue, heading toward downtown Phoenix.

"Got another letter from my mother this morning," she said, waving it at him, then dropping it back into the bag while she scooped things aside searching for the compact. "She wants me to come back home."

"Are you going back?"

"I suppose, sooner or later," Jan said. She slid forward into a more comfortable position, working on her mouth with a lipstick. "Life is full of times to go home," she said absently.

"Not me," Bernie snapped. "No such place."

"Oh, wow!" Jan said and laughed. "And what a frown!" She jabbed at him with her lipstick and caught him on the cheek with it. She laughed louder when he finally noticed it in the rear-view mirror and wiped it off.

"Don't wipe it off," Jan said.

"Why not?"

"People will think we're lovers."

"Well, aren't we?"

Jan shrugged and snapped the bag shut, tossing it onto the back seat. It made a terrific clunk when it hit, then found its own shape and settled down like a third passenger for the ride into downtown Phoenix.

When they finally pulled into the parking lot adjacent to the Pancake House on First Street, she caught hold of his arm as he started to get out of the car.

"We don't have to go in," she said.

"It's all right," Bernie said. He hated it when his mood affected Jan. He didn't mean to dampen her spirits, but he couldn't help it.

"You want to go over to my place?" Jan said.

Bernie shook his head.

"Maybe you'd rather just take off. You can drop me here and I can catch a ride with Madge."

Bernie jerked his arm free, then got out of the car. He stared at the empty sky for a moment, finally turned back and leaned down, staring at her through the car window.

"I'm sorry, Jan," he said finally. He tried to smile, but couldn't manage it. "I'm just sorry."

Jan slid over behind the wheel. She took one of his hands and put it on her shoulder. His fingers slid under the cloth of her collar and pressed against the cool skin of her throat. She bent her face against his hand and smiled.

"You don't have to apologize to me," she said. "You don't owe me anything."

"I'm not," Bernie said. "I just feel-"

"Listen," she said, cutting him off. "Get in the car. I wanna say something." Bernie obeyed and slid onto the seat beside her.

"I'm not chasing you, Bernie."

"I know that."

"Whether you know it or not, I'm telling you," Jan said. "I like you. I like being with you and I like sleeping with you. Maybe I'd like someone else better and maybe you're not so hot, but I don't have anyone better-"

"Oh, for-"

"Listen, Bernie, I'm thirty-three years old. Sometimes I feel like I'm drying up. You know what I mean? I'm five years older than you, but I don't care. You do something to me and that's all I care about. Your body fits me and you make me feel good. You don't try and hurt me and that makes me feel good. I know I don't do much for you, but I really don't give a damn-I really don't. So you can relax. Baby, you don't have to do anything but be there!"

She took a deep drag from her cigarette and blew the smoke in his face. "So there!"

Jan laughed. She grabbed his arm and squeezed it. "Hey, I just had a terrific idea," she said. "Let's forget all this true-confession crap and have some damn breakfast!"

Bernie grinned as he felt the tension released. Before he was even up she was already halfway across the parking lot and he had to run to catch up with her.

She slid into the corner booth and patted the place next to her.

"C'mon, Bernie babe," she said, and in the same breath, after scanning the room quickly, she shouted. "Madge, damn you, we need food!"

The waitress winced at the outcry, then came over, shaking her head in rebuke. "You want menus?"

"Hell, no, we want food! My God, we're in the middle of the desert!"

Madge grinned. "Okay. You want a double stack." She turned to Bernie. "How about you, Bernie?"

"Coffee," Bernie said. He glanced at Jan, who was already busy fishing through her purse again. He grinned, then looked at the waitress.

"I'll have a double stack, too, I guess."