Chapter 5
Bernie stared at the door. Under his breath he cursed Mike, using words he seldom used, some from his childhood, forbidden words that were suddenly remembered. He jumped up and moved swiftly to the door, kicking it violently, while the words spewed out, then turned, pressing himself against the door, slamming his fists behind him against the wood.
After a while he stopped. He passed a hand across his eyes. "What's wrong with me?" he said aloud. "What's happening to me?" He moved from the door, wandering about the room senselessly, pacing like an animal in a cage. "That's not the kind of person I am." He peered through his drapes as though to find someone out there who could give him an answer. "Is that the kind of person I am?"
Through the window he saw a familiar green-and-white Olds pulling up the driveway and coming to a halt in his carport. It was Sarah and her mother. Bernie turned from the window. Not now, he thought. Not now! I have to think.
He moved behind the counter as though looking for a place to hide. "I have to think," he said aloud. "Can't they understand that? Can't wait till this is over! Get rid of that little bitch, once and for all!"
Bernie nodded a greeting to the young girl who sailed into his apartment, beaming, fresh, with promiscuous eyes and long honey-colored hair that fell down over her shoulders.
It was easy to see why Mike had been attracted to her, just as he could see why Sarah was drawn to Mike. They were natural for one another, simple, enviably alive, preoccupied with each other and their mutual race against time toward maturity. Bernie had seen this the first time he was introduced to Sarah at the trailer park where she lived with her mother.
That had been two weeks ago. Now Mike and Sarah were married. Bernie frowned angrily as he remembered the shock when they'd told him, standing there, hand in hand, happy-and Rose, sitting on her tiny couch behind them, smiling nervously, trying to hide the anger behind her eyes.
"What could Ah do," she'd said later in that sickening Georgia accent. "Ah had to sign those consent papers. They said if Ah didn't they'd lie about her age and drive down to Yuma and get married anyway. If they just disappeared, or if he got Sarah in trouble, Ah don't know what Ah would do. Ah don't know what Ah could tell Sarah's father. You don't know that man."
Bernie shook the thought from his mind as he heard the car door slam and the click of Rose's heels on the concrete. He nodded a greeting to her. She was smiling, but Bernie could see she was upset. He didn't know her very well, but Rose's emotions were always clearly written on her face and in the way she used her hands. She had a trick of wringing them together that was almost melodramatic and would have been funny except for her eyes, which were always clear and tragic.
"Sit down," Bernie said.
"Ah can't stay," Rose said simply. "Sarah had to talk to Mike so Ah drove her here."
Bernie nodded, though he couldn't imagine Rose driving all the way over from Mesa, a suburb outside the city, just so Sarah could talk to Mike.
"Mike's out back," Bernie said. "He's doing some laundry."
"Well, go on, honey," Rose said. "And hurry it up. Ah gotta get on to work." Sarah started out, then Rose added, "And do your talkin' out back. Ah gotta talk to Bernie."
"Oh, Mother, you're not gonna talk about us, are you?"
"Go on, honey," Rose said sternly.
"Mother, now don't spoil anything," Sarah said.
"Ah won't spoil anything," Rose said. She waited till her daughter's footsteps on the pavement diminished, then she shrugged. "What is there left to spoil?" she said to no one in particular. "If there is, Ah would like to be the one to spoil that. Ah feel Ah deserve that pleasure-if there is any pleasure to be gotten from spoiling things." Rose sank onto the couch, turning to Bernie. "Ah suppose you know they're plannin' to go to Chicago."
"Yes," Bernie said. "They're leaving tonight." He fidgeted nervously. "They'll probably stay with Mike's folks till they get settled."
"I didn't know about it till this morning!"
"What?"
"Ah was informed by my daughter this morning of their plans."
"Oh, for-"
"Ah asked her why Ah was not told sooner. She said she was afraid Ah would try and stop them. She was right."
"That wasn't right," Bernie said. "I mean, they should have told you."
"If Ah had known this was going to happen, Ah would never have signed that paper!"
Bernie winced, but he couldn't hide the look of disgust that swept over him.
"What could Ah do?" Rose was saying. "Ah couldn't call that man. Ah couldn't tell him about Mike and Sarah. Ah was afraid to tell that man. Do you know what Ah'm sayin'? Not for that boy's sake. Ah didn't give a diddly damn for that boy's sake. Ah tell you that right to your face. It was me Ah was afraid for!"
Bernie frowned. He wasn't sure what she was talking about, but he could see she was genuinely frightened and it spread to him. It made his skin tingle like a warning, like the breath of a dead man he'd read about once in a book, and without realizing why he felt suddenly uneasy.
"Ah said Ah'm afraid," Rose shouted. "You don't know, Bernie." Her hands began to work nervously and Bernie found himself staring at them.
"There was a little colored boy," Rose was saying. "He was just a little boy. But that boy is dead. Do you understand what I'm saying? That boy is dead!"
"Dead?" Bernie blinked in confusion. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about. What are you talking about?"
"Ah don't know," Rose said, throwing her arms up in a futile gesture. "I'm just sayin' words, that's all. Ah'm just throwin' words into the air and if there's something there that makes sense, why, you just grab it, that's all. You just grab it and you tell me! Because Ah can't think any more. Ah haven't got any brain left. That's all Ah do at that General Electric plant for two dollars-and-thirty cents an hour, sit there and think. And Ah talk to the radio parts Ah'm workin' on, telling them what Ah try to tell you. But could Ah ever come over here and talk to you? Could Ah ever tell you anything without you sitting there looking at the ceiling like Ah was a crazy woman? Ah didn't even know how to get here. Ah didn't! Sarah had to show me the way and tell me which streets to take so Ah could talk to you. And now Ah'm sittin' here talkin' to the walls!"
"Rose, for God's sake...."
"Yes, for God's sake and your sake and the sake of that boy of yours!"
"Don't," Bernie said, raising a hand in warning, "Just, don't!"
"Oh, don't worry, Ah won't say anything," Rose said. "Ah'll just sit here and wait for my daughter. But Ah'll tell you one thing-there's nobody leavin' this town. There's nobody takin' that train to Chicago tonight. Ah'll tell you that!"
"All right," Bernie snapped. "So there's nobody going. I didn't tell them to go. That's their affair. It's no concern of mine!"
"All right," Rose said. "Everything is all right. Ah'll just sit here. That little boy is dead, but that's all right. Ah'll just sit here and wait for my daughter. Ah won't say another word."
"What are you talking about?" Bernie said, tired of the game. "Who's dead?"
"That boy of yours!"
Bernie felt himself grow pale. It was the way she said it. Again he felt the breath of the dead man and a wave of fear spread through him, chilling him, while he searched her face.
"You don't know the things he said to me on that telephone!" Rose said. "You have no glimmer of an idea what came over the wire of that little telephone. And my whole family! You should have heard them carrying on over that telephone. And my sister! My big sister who Ah love dearly! You should've heard the things she said to me! Ah don't think Ah could ever go back there! And now he's comin' here!"
"Who?"
"Sarah's father, that's who!"
"Sarah's-"
"What could Ah do? When Ah signed that paper, they promised they'd stay here. Ah treated Mike like he was my own. Ah didn't tell him he couldn't stay with us in the trailer till they could get a little place of their own. He didn't want to. So, what could Ah do? This morning, when Sarah told me they were leaving for Chicago, what could Ah do? Who could Ah turn to?
"Ah had to call him. Ah had to put in a long-distance call to Macon, Georgia, and Ah told him Sarah was married and they were leavin', and he said he was comin' out here by airplane. He said he'd be here tonight and they better be here when he gets here."
"Oh, for God's sake!" Bernie said.
"And you know what else he said? He said he'd kill that boy." Rose's voice trembled. "He said he would kill that boy!"
"That's ridiculous," Bernie said, trying to calm her. That doesn't mean-"
"Ah don't know what it means," Rose said, cutting him off. "That's what he said and Ah don't know what it means. But Ah know this. Ah lived with that man and Ah know him and Ah don't live with him any more! Why do you think Ah had to get away from him? Givin' up my home and my family to live out here in a two-by-four trailer? Ah'm not crazy, Bernie. You can dispense with the luxury of that thought from this point forward."
"I never said you were," Bernie said impatiently.
"Well, there are some people who would not agree with you. My dear sister, for one shining example. But she never had to go through what Ah did with that man. She never had to withstand the vulgarities and rudities Ah had to put up with for the sake of my daughter. She suffered under the delusion that a policeman is a big kind man in an olive-drab uniform who pats little children on the head. She just never knew! She never could forgive me for leavin'.
"And him, too! He thinks the world of Sarah, sometimes Ah think more than is natural for a father. And don't think he'd ever of let me take her away if the court hadn't made him. Don't think fo' a minute he would have if he didn't think Ah'd come back, if he didn't think Ah couldn't live without him." Rose laughed scornfully. "Ah really do believe he thought that."
Bernie felt some of the tension leaving him while he listened to Rose giving vent to her old hurts.
"But it was not a kind man in an olive-drab uniform who shot at those colored boys that were prowlin' around the wholesale tire store when he yelled at them and they started runnin'. It was no kind man in an olive-drab uniform that fired that gun, not over their heads to scare them but right in the middle of them, and one of them boys went down.
"Do you know what Ah'm sayin'? Ah saw it! Ah saw the picture of him lying there in the street with a black spot on the front of his shirt where the bullet came out. Not the picture they ran in the newspapers, but the one he showed me, and he laughed and said, he fied 'em!"
Bernie winced.
"Do you know what Ah'm talkin' about? Have you any idea what Ah'm trying to say to you? Ah'm talkin' about a man who raises a daughter in one room while he lies in another, laughin' and sayin', 'Ah fixed them-now you fix me.' Ah told my sister! She said Ah was crazy, upset. Exaggeration-Ah always exaggerate. But Ah didn't, Bernie. And Ah tell you, Ah'm afraid. Not for that boy-Ah'm afraid for me!"
Bernie stared at Rose for a long time. Rose only stared back and the silence grew deafening. The only sound was the scraping of her fingers as they rubbed nervously over her skirt.
"My God!" Bernie said finally. "What the hell have we done?"