Chapter 4
The Two Worlds of Julie
AUTHOR'S NOTE: A case like Julie Brown's is an exceptionally rare one, for it involves incest with both an aunt and an uncle in a lesbian and heterosexual pattern. It is not typical, yet when one hears her story it is completely understandable. It might be said that it is a "typical" slum case, but that could be putting it too mildly, for Julie at age twelve was thrust into a jungle of poverty, immorality, alcoholism and sex aberration, in which she was forced into a battle for survival.
"I can talk about it now because I'm out of it. I'm twenty, on my own, doing good. I want to say one thing at the beginning, though: I'm sick and tired of all these meatheads who go around kidding themselves, saying 'Black is beautiful!' Black is shitty. Black is hell! Black is the worst goddamned thing that anybody can be. I hate my black face and body-my kinky hair-my big nose and fat 'nigger lips.'
"I don't know if I'd be any different if I hadn't been brought up in a dirty, smelly slum. Maybe if my father and mother had been decent people I'd be able to dress fancy like the hippie bunch, and walk the streets or the campus with signs saying that 'Black is beautiful.' But in my world nothing was beautiful-black, white, red or yellow. They were all garbage, just like I was.
"I don't know who my father was. I doubt if my mother even did. Her maiden name was Brown, so that's the name I go by. She was one of those dumb, 'deep-south' Negroes whose daddy brought her to New York so he could 'make something of himself.' That's a laugh. He made himself into a shoeshine boy, that's what. And he was worse off than he had been back in Mississippi, because there he didn't have any uppity ideas, or any dreams of licking the world. He finally got fed up and just cut out, leaving my mother and six kids on their own.
"She's never known any other life than the welfare. Neither have I, until I got out on my own.
"No wonder she used to sleep with anybody who would give her a meal or buy her a cheap dress. She had four of us kids before she was twenty-five, and the last two she had were born dead. I think she wanted it that way, but maybe it just happened because she didn't have enough food or clothes.
"I never did know much about my relatives, except for my aunt Sally. She used to live near us in New York, but she moved away to Chicago and we heard she got married. She wrote once in a while and said she was doing real well, and that her husband had a good job with a truck company. Once a year or so she'd send a present, like for Christmas or on my birthday, and I felt that at least I had somebody I could call a relative.
"I got sick and tired of all the men that messed with my mother, and we began to fight real bad when some of them began trying to screw me. My mother began to call me a troublemaker and a liar, and one day I stole some money out of her purse and just left. I knew it was all the money she had but I didn't care. She was getting it from men, anyhow, and I wasn't going to be no young whore for those black bastards !
"I got a ticket for Chicago and still had enough left over for a couple of sandwiches and some soft drinks. I asked how to get to my aunt's address when I got there, and took a city bus to where she lived. I was a little disappointed when I saw the neighborhood. It wasn't a lot different from ours, only she did have her own house-a small one, but still not a rat-filled tenement like we lived in in New York.
"I got to her place about noon, and when she opened the door she just blinked at me and growled, 'Well, what you want, young'un?'
"I thought she was groggy from just being waked up, but later I found out that she was stoned to the ears. I told her I was Julie Brown, her niece, and she scowled at me and finally asked, 'What you doin' here?' I told her I had run away. It didn't seem to register with her, but she held the screen door open and told me to come in. All I had was a little canvas bag with a dress and two pairs of panties and my other pair of shoes.
"She made some coffee and drank a couple of cups, black and hot. After that she seemed to be able to think clearer. Finally, she said, 'And you want to stay here with your aunt Sally, huh?' I told her I did, and she nodded. She said, 'Well, I guess Roy won't mind for a while, but you'll have to sleep on the couch.'
"I didn't mind that. It would be better than sleeping in the bedroom with just a beat up mattress on the floor, and my mother's men friends making noise all night, fucking and arguing.
"When my uncle Roy, whom I'd never seen, came home that night, he just shrugged when my aunt told him I was going to stay for a while. She had been drinking gin all afternoon, and there was no meal ready for him. He just looked at her and shrugged and began to fix supper. I wanted him to like me, so I asked him if I could help. He told me I could peel some potatoes if I wanted to, and I did. He got some hamburger out of the refrigerator and opened a can of pork and beans, and that's what we had for supper. It was a lot better than I was used to most of the time, but my aunt didn't eat. She just kept on drinking gin. Finally, she went into the bedroom. I could hear her snoring in a few minutes.
"Uncle Roy didn't say much for a long time. I got up and began to clear the table, and I got some soapy water ready in the sink to wash the dishes. He seemed to like that. He wiped the dishes and we began to talk. He told me he was a truck driver for a big wholesale food company, and that he worked six days a week. He asked me about myself, and what grade in school I was in, and why I had run away. I just told him the straight truth. He stopped and just looked at me when I told him about all the men that slept at our house-some stayed a long time, others just one night. He shook his head and put his hand on my shoulder. 'You had it pretty rough, Julie,' he said, patting my shoulder. 'You can stay here. Maybe you and I need each other more than we know.' I didn't know quite what he meant then, but I liked him. At least he noticed me. When the dishes were done, he gave me a dime and told me to go down to the store and get myself an ice cream cone. It was only a half block away on the corner, and when I came back he had fallen asleep in the chair in front of a pretty old small-screen TV. He looked awful tired, and I wondered why he didn't make my aunt do some of the things in the house-especially get his meals.
"I didn't know what to do, so I just watched TV for a while. Then I got undressed and laid down on the couch. He had told me there was a blanket and a pillow in the closet in the front room, so I got them and got ready to go to sleep. I thought maybe I should wake him, and when I shook him he woke up right away. He shook his head and stared at me. I just had my panties on-I didn't have a bra-and my breasts were beginning to grow round and nice, and he just stared at them, and at my pussy.
"I told him I was going to bed, and he got up and put his arm around me. He kissed my lips and put one hand on my breast. 'You're a good girl, Julie,' he said. 'You sleep. We'll talk some more.' He kissed me again, after I crawled under the cover, and I got to thinking about how his hand had felt on my breast. Lots of boys and men had felt my breasts, but none of them had been soft or kind like Roy had. I guess it was the first time I could remember somebody kissing me good-night. I fell asleep fast, thinking that I was going to be all right. At least my aunt and uncle seemed willing to let me live there, and anything was better than home.
"I woke up and felt strange for a moment. It was just getting to be daylight and I heard noise from the kitchen and I could smell coffee. I got up and went out, and there was Uncle Roy, all dressed and shaved, drinking coffee and fixing himself some sandwiches. He had already filled his thermos bottle and was about to leave. He smiled when he saw me and I went over and kissed him on the cheek. He grinned at that and held me in his arms a moment, kissing my lips. His one hand was rubbing my breast, and in a minute his kisses got different. He began to shove his tongue into my mouth. I opened my mouth wider and sucked it.
"He pushed me away all at once, grabbed his lunch bucket, and left. All he said was, 'You be good.' Then he was gone. I went back to bed feeling sort of excited, but sort of let down, too. I fell asleep, and about ten I heard my aunt hollering at the top of her voice: 'Bring me some coffee, Julie, and get your black ass in here fast!'
"I heated the coffee that was left and took a cup into her room. She looked a mess. Her hair was all straggly, she was naked, and her eyes were bloodshot.
"Aunt Sally took the cup of coffee, spilling it a little on the messy bed, because her hands were shaking bad. After a sip or two, she looked at me as if for the first time. I was only wearing my panties. I hadn't put my dress on, and I felt funny from the way she kept on eyeing my breasts and my crotch.
"I'd had plenty of 'street sex' learning from the smart-ass guys, but it had never dawned on me that there were women who went for other females. Still, I felt funny with her staring at my titties. I had understood-even liked it a little-when Uncle Roy had cupped and squeezed my breast with his hand, especially that morning when he was kidding me so hot. I was a little scared by the wild look on Sally's face. I was relieved when she told me to go and see if there was any gin left in the cupboard.
"I found a third of a bottle and took it in to her. She'd finished the coffee, and she grabbed the bottle and took two or three big swallows, then corked it and laid back down. She was still staring hard at my titties.
"'Sit down!' she commanded, pointing to the bed. I was a little afraid of her, so I sat down beside her. She reached out her hand and felt my breast. In spite of my fear of her, when she began to pinch the nipple and roll it between her fingers I began to get hot in the crotch. She moved to the other breast and I got hotter. Then she pulled me down to her and began to suck on one of my nipples! I'd never had anyone do that. Some of the boys and men had pinched them or felt them, but I'd never had anybody kiss them. It really made me gasp. I knew it was wrong, or at least awfully strange, but I liked it.
"I let her kiss the other nipple and I relaxed a little. She moved down on my body, kissing and biting and sucking, sliding my panties off as she moved her mouth down to my crotch. I could feel my cunt getting wet and hot, and I just spread my legs and let her stick her tongue inside my cunt! It was really something. I'd played with myself a lot of times, but it had never been like her mouth felt, with her tongue diving in and out. She began to play with the crack of my ass, then shoved a finger up inside my asshole!
"By that time, I was bucking and writhing around in excitement. I wanted her to keep on until I came. I used to come all the time when I masturbated, so I knew what it was. Besides, all the kids I'd known back in New York talked about fucking, sucking, and masturbating-all the time. But I had never had anyone suck my pussy, and I never even thought that a woman would even want to do it to another woman! Maybe I was dumb, but that's the straight truth!
"What puzzled me even more, I guess, was the fact that I liked it, and that I could come by having a woman do that to me. Aunt Sally didn't even seem to know or care if I came or not. She just spread my legs wide and dug in with her fingers, her tongue and her teeth. I had two quick comes, and all the while she just was moaning and sucking, mumbling into my cunt things like: 'I just want to eat you all day, baby.' Or, 'Fresh, sweet meat for Sally.' I wondered if she was a little off her rocker, the way she was acting.
"Finally, she just got tired and flopped back on the bed. She was naked, and I saw her flat, saggy titties just seem to almost disappear when she laid on her back. She wasn't a good-looking woman to start with, and with all the booze she gulped all the time I couldn't help but think that no man would really want to fuck her or make love to her. She wasn't old, just beat-up looking.
"She reached out one arm and dragged me over to her. 'Your turn, Julie,' she said, already beginning to talk with a thick tongue from the belts of gin she'd taken. 'Come on, suck your old Aunt Sally's cunt, baby.'
"I shuddered when she threw off the sheet and I saw her cunt. It was covered with thick hair, but the lips of it stuck out at least a half inch, and I could see the folds of brownish flesh inside. It looked like a worn-out piece of liver! Even from a distance of a couple of feet I could smell it, and it was sickening. I knew if I tried to put my tongue inside that ugly hunk of flesh I'd throw up. I didn't know what to do. I reached for the gin bottle that she had set on the floor by the bed, and took the cork out and handed it to her. I could hear my voice cracking with fright when I told her, "Here, Auntie, have a little more of the gin. I'll be back, and then I'll suck it.'
"I guess she believed me, because she swigged down all that was left of the gin. I hadn't seen any more out in the kitchen, and I wondered what I would do if she insisted on me sucking her cunt! My own pussy still tingled with the thrill of her sucking it, but I knew I just couldn't 'go down' on her and eat her smelly cunt, no matter what she did to me.
"I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I hoped that the gin would put her back to sleep, and it did. When I came out a half-hour later I could hear her snoring. I peeked in and saw that she was lying there naked, one arm over the edge of the bed, still clinging to the empty gin bottle.
"I tried to think what I'd do when she woke up. I went through all the cupboards in the kitchen, and under some pans I found a pint of gin. I put that beside her bed and then I left the house. I just walked, thinking about things, about Uncle Roy feeling me up, and kissing me that way, and, most of all, about my aunt. She was a queer-a woman lover. Funny, but I kept feeling sorry for my uncle, not her. She seemed to be able to knock herself out of the world with gin, but I wondered what that poor guy did. I had seen that he had to do all the cooking, and from the messy house she had I guess Roy had to do any cleaning that was done, too. But most of all I wondered about Roy and Sally in bed. I was dumb about those things then. I didn't know anything about bisexuals or lesbians or homo sexuals-only the smutty insinuations that the kids made about other kids at school. But they never explained what they were talking about.
"I wondered if Uncle Roy knew that his wife liked to suck cunt, and I wondered how he could stand to even get into bed with that smelly cunt of hers. I wondered if he sucked hers, and if she sucked his cock. A hundred things.
"I came to a little park. At least there was a few feet of grass there, with some half-dead bushes around it, so I sat down on the grass and wondered some more. I guess I thought a lot about Uncle Roy because I kept remembering the way he had kissed me and fooled with my breast. I wondered if he ever stuck his tongue into my aunt mouth, the way he had mine. I just couldn't see how he could. I thought about the tingle that had gone through my body when he was tonguing my mouth and feeling my titty. I compared the feeling to when I played with my pussy, using my fingers, and to the way it had felt when my aunt was sucking it! I was all mixed up, but I knew one thing for sure-I liked the feeling I got from my uncle a lot more than when my drunken aunt slobbered all over my pussy and my tits!
"I stayed out until late in the afternoon, and when I went home I could hear my aunt snoring again. I peeked in and saw that she had opened the bottle I'd put there, and had drank over half of it. She was dead to the world, and I went to the kitchen and found some potatoes and some hamburger. I peeled the potatoes and put them on the stove to boil, and I made patties of the hamburger. I found a can of pork and beans, and I opened them and put them in a bowl. Then I set the table. I don't know why, but I only set two places, one for me and one for Uncle Roy. I guess I didn't think my aunt would wake up by the time we ate.
"Uncle Roy came in about six, and he looked so tired. He glanced into the bedroom, then came into the kitchen. He smiled when he saw that I had started supper, and he came over and kissed me. He didn't feel me up, or stick his tongue in my mouth-he just kissed me on the cheek and squeezed my shoulder.
"He said, 'You're a good girl, Julie. How did you get on with Sally today?' I wanted to blurt out the whole story, but I was afraid that I might be spilling the beans-that maybe he didn't know about her.
"I stuttered, 'We-well, she-just stayed in bed most all day. I-" Uncle Roy nodded and heaved a big sigh. 'You don't have to be afraid to say it, honey. She was stoned all day. She's that way most of the time.' He spread his hands wide and shrugged. 'I just don't know what to do about her.'
"I walked over and put my arms around his waist, and held my face up for a kiss. He looked down at me, his hands going around my waist.
Then he said, 'You're smarter than I think you are, Julie. But-' He frowned, shaking his head as if he didn't want to say what he was going to. Then he squeezed me tight against him so that I couldn't see his eyes, and he asked, 'Did she-did Sally try to-well, do anything to you?'
"I knew then that he knew she was a cuntsucker, and in a way I felt relieved. I just nodded my head up and down, hanging on to him tightly.
"I could feel him tense up. He said, 'That drunken bitch! I ought to throw her ass out on the street, right now! The cunt-loving, gin-soaked bitch!'
"I could feel the fires building inside him, and I just wanted to cuddle him like I would a little boy that was hurt. But I didn't know what to do, so I just squeezed him tighter and patted him on the back.
"He pushed me back a little and I looked up at him. He was staring at me as if he was just realizing that I was there, in his arms. I could see the question in his eyes, and I lied. 'She didn't do anything, Uncle Roy-honest. She just wanted me to sit on the bed, but I was too scared. That was all. I brought her some more gin, but I guess I shouldn't have.'
"He shook his head quickly. 'You did just right, girl. Keep the sonofabitch smashed-that's the only way I can stand the goddamned bastard. It's you that I'm worrying about, not her. Was any of her friends here?'
"I told him that I had walked a long time, and that I didn't think so, because she was asleep when I left and she had drank a lot of gin by the time I came back and started supper. He nodded, and said, 'You're sweet, baby. Go ahead and put the hamburg on and I'll wash up. Maybe we go to the movies or something, okay?'
"He bent and kissed me quickly, holding my ass in his big hands and pulling me in close. I could feel his cock beginning to get big, and I stuck my tongue into his mouth quickly, then drew it out, teasing him. He grinned and said, 'Devil!' I pushed him away and went over and got the hamburg patties I'd fixed. He stood there watching me as I put them in to fry, a smile on his face. It was good to see him smile, and I smiled back. He went into the bathroom and I could hear him whistling while he was washing up.
"We had a nice supper. He said it wouldn't do any good, but I put one hamburg pattie aside and some potatoes, in case Aunt Sally woke up. He told me to put the dishes in the sink and we'd go somewhere.
"He had a battered old car that he said just about got him to work and then home, but that we'd take a chance on it tonight. I thought we were going to a regular movie, but he drove quite a ways and then we went into a drive-in theater. I don't even remember what was playing. He parked way in the back row, away from any other cars, and when he put a speaker in the car, he turned it off. He put his arm around my shoulders and I could hear his voice shake when he asked, 'Were you foolin' me with those kisses, girl?'
"I wanted him to know that I meant them, and I turned so he could see my face in the dimness. 'No. I liked it. I want more!'
"'You know what you're saying?' he asked, his hand moving along my bare thigh. 'I'm talkin' about more than kissing, Julie.'
"I said bravely, 'So am I.' At least, I wanted to sound brave.
"'You ever been with a man?' he asked, peering into my face. I knew I couldn't lie to him. If I did he'd find out anyhow, so I just said, 'Nobut-' I sighed, 'I want to.'
"'You're a sweet baby,' Roy said, his hand sliding farther up my leg until he came to my crotch. He slid a finger inside my panties and began to play with the lips of my pussy. I squirmed and spread my legs, and he moved closer and stuck his finger right into my cunt, touching my knob and making me jump and gasp with the pleasure of it.
"'Let's get in the back seat, honey,' he said. When I was crawling over the seat, he took my pantie top in both hands and just peeled them off me. I giggled and flopped in the back seat. He crawled over, and took me in his arms, so that one hand was on my breast and the other slid up between my legs. I could feel my pussy getting wet and hot as his fingers slid up inside it. I reached over and unzipped his pants and put my hand inside his fly. His cock was already stiff, and it felt hot when I grabbed it and began to stroke it.
"We just did that for a few minutes, while we kissed with our tongues flying in and out of each other's mouth. He was rolling the nipple of my breast around with his thumb and finger, while his finger on the other hand was massaging my knob, and I was jerking his prick, harder and faster all the time.
"All at once, Uncle Roy stopped feeling me both places, and he laid me back on the car seat. He grabbed one leg and put it up around his shoulder, then he got down on his knees on the floor. He spread the lips of my cunt with his fingers and he shoved his tongue up inside my pussy! It was a million times more exciting than it had been when Aunt Sally did it. Without thinking, I reached down and grabbed his head with both my hands, pulling him in closer to my aching pussy! He began to rub his tongue hard against it, up and down, and he shoved one finger into the back part of my cunt and dug it in deep. Inside a half-minute, I just lost control of my pussy. It began to move, all by itself, faster and faster, up and down, meeting his tongue and finger, and then a burst of heat spread all over my body, starting with the spot where his tongue was rubbing! He was making noises like somebody eating soup, and I raised my head and looked down, watching him licking and sucking, happier than I'd ever dreamed a black slum-girl could ever be!
"I wanted more. I wanted his cock inside me, rubbing the places he was sucking, touching the deep inside parts that his finger was exploring. I wanted to be fucked and fucked and fucked!
"I pushed his head back and he raised his head. I looked into his eyes. 'Fuck me, Roy-please fuck me and fuck me!' I pleaded.
"He raised up and spread my legs wide, one resting on the back of the seat and the other hanging over the edge. He stayed on his knees and moved in between my legs, his big, beautiful black cock in his hand. He guided the head of it to the lips of my cunt. Then he took my hips and pulled me down on his prick! I felt it slide deep inside me, and it didn't hurt-or if it did, I didn't feel it.
"He moaned as he dug it into me, all the way. It made me gasp, and I slid down so that I locked one leg around his hip, so I could help him go even deeper into my throbbing pussy! He kept saying, 'Oh, sweet shit, baby-sweet, sweet shit, you're good!'
"I kept saying to him, 'Fuck me, Roy-fuck me all you've got-fuck me!'
"We both seemed to know that the other one was coming, and we just hung onto each other tight, using arms, hands and legs. Then I felt his warm, sweet come shooting inside me at the same second that I burst wide open like fireworks in the sky. The hot electric sparks seemed to shoot out of his cock and into my pussy, and then they spread all over me. My ass tingled, my stomach shook and my cunt was afire with him! I couldn't stop, even when the first come was over. It was too perfect. I didn't want him to ever stop.
"He kept on, his cock getting harder again, and we came again in a couple of minutes. This time, I just had to stop long enough to kiss him-to suck his tongue and tell him over and over that I loved him-I loved his cock inside me-I loved his fucking! I was like a wild animal, and he laughed as he pulled his cock out.
"'Plenty more, baby, from now on,' Roy laughed, bending his head and licking at my come-filled cunt. 'You and me, we're gonna really show them.'
"We straightened ourselves up and he drove out of the drive-in. I sat close, my hand on his still hard prick, rubbing it. For the first time in my life, I felt close to somebody. I loved somebody and could feel love come back to me from Roy. I didn't care about anything else. To hell with Aunt Sally-or the whole world, for that matter.
"Uncle Roy pulled into the driveway by the house. It was still dark, so he figured that Sally was still sleeping off her drunk, or had started on a new one. We sat there just looking at each other, his hand playing with my tit, and me rubbing his cock with my hand. Without even wondering if he would like it or not, I bent over all of a sudden and plunged my mouth down over his cock! I wanted to stuff my mouth with it-eat it, lick it, suck it-anything to show him that I loved it, and him.
"He put his hands in back of my head and helped push my head down and up as I began to suck on it, using my teeth to nibble at the head of it once in a while.
"It only took a minute or so. He said in a husky voice, 'I'm gonna shoot in your mouth, baby. Don't be afraid. Just swallow it. I'm coming, baby-NOW!'
"He let himself go, his cock moving in and out of my mouth faster and faster, until I felt the spurt of his warm juice shooting into my mouth. I loved it. I swallowed and kept on sucking, licking every drop of it up, until finally he began to bunch up his stomach muscles, and gasp when I sucked it. He pushed me away, but he pulled my face up to his and kissed me softly on the mouth. 'I love you, baby,' he mumbled. 'I really do love you, like I never loved no one before!'
"I loved him so much I wanted to cry. I wondered how I could ever love him the way I wanted to, with that ugly bitch of an aunt around. I know it was borrowing trouble, but I had been to heaven, and I wanted to stay there, and the black devil in the house couldn't keep me out!"
It is an accepted fact that promiscuous sex activity is far more prevalent in slum areas than anywhere else. As one "welfare mother," who raised seven children without ever being married, put it: "What else can poor people do for fun? Sex is free, at least, and something the welfare people haven't taken away or rationed-yet!"
That Julie would accept sex as freely as she did with her Uncle Roy is understandable. In her background, sex was the only thing she saw plenty of, and to her, it became an accepted fact of life. This is true among the majority of slum dwellers, and it has nothing to do with ethnic background. Because the minority groups are, by and large, fated to live in sub-standard communities, many tend to think that free-wheeling sex is much more common to Negroes, Mexican-Americans, and Puerto Ricans. Authorities say this is not the case, but rather, that the living conditions are responsible for the sexual promiscuity, as well as the high rate of births out of wedlock.
Most states have rules in their welfare ad ministration which state that if there is an adult male in the household, who is not disabled, then he must work, or no welfare aid can be given. This one factor alone has created the phenomenon that Betty spoke of: a male who "lives" at the home, or at least, who visits at night for sex and social purposes, but who would automatically disrupt the welfare payments if he were to marry or live under a common-law status with the woman of the house.
That this is regrettable cannot be denied, yet no changes have been forthcoming to remedy this cruel injustice. However, in this book, we are interested in the socio-psychological facets only insofar as they affect the sex habits of the individuals involved. We are here not as moralists or reformers, but as reporters, and in the course of many investigations into case histories brought to our attention, we have come across this situation so often that it is hard to ignore its influence on the unfortunate dwellers in the "poverty pockets."
Returning to Julie and her aunt and uncle: This girl stepped into a situation that was fraught with tragic possibilities long before she entered the scene. A wife who is a complete alcoholic; a husband who is sexually frustrated (as we determined in talks with Roy), and who is suddenly confronted with a nubile young girl who, in her innocence of sex, falls in love with him. That Julie was ripe for seduction by any man who was even kind and considerate of her, is beyond question. Added to this was the shocking and disgusting experience she had with her lesbian aunt.
The knowledge that his wife was not only a hopeless drunk, unavailable to him as a sex partner, even had he not loathed her for her lesbianism, made Roy equally vulnerable to the situation that presented itself in the coming of his niece.
We are not attempting to write a mystery, thus, we will reveal that Roy is now serving a ten-to twenty-year sentence for second-degree murder, and Julie is a ward of the state, confined to a home for wayward juvenile females. We reveal this at this point in order that we might include some of the statements of the harried and work-ridden Uncle Roy. Roy is, by most standards, a "good" man. He showed this by continuing to work hard to support a home and to keep at least a semblance of his marriage intact. That it was frustrating for him is readily understandable; in fact, it is difficult to see why he even made the effort. Parts of his testimony on the witness stand will serve to provide a deeper look into the heart of a lonely, bitter man who saw a glimmer of hope, and who grasped it without counting the cost. We hope that the reader will neither condemn nor condone his acts, but will join us in trying to understand him better.
"I worked hard for what I got, and it wasn't for myself. It was for Sally, from the beginning. I loved her, a long time ago, and I wanted the things any man wants-a home, a good wife, kids, maybe-the decent life. I'm not blaming anybody for the way things happened, but I always had to take hard jobs. I didn't have no education to speak of, and being black as well as dumb, doesn't give a man much of a chance.
"Sally was all right at the start. I guess it was my fault that the sexy side started to go downhill. I worked long hours in the warehouse when I first started for the company, loading trailers and unloading boxcars and trucks, before I got a chance to become a truck driver. I'd come home at eight o'clock at night, and I'd be so tired that I'd fall asleep at the supper table.
"I couldn't blame her for getting pretty fed up with that, and when I bought the house, I had to work even harder. I took two jobs for a while-delivering papers in the early morning hours to the newsstands-before I went to work in the warehouse.
"Sally began to drink a lot. I didn't like it, but there wasn't much I could do about it. I suppose that she missed sex, too, and began to hang around bars a lot, drinking cheap gin and being picked up by men. When I found that out, I beat the hell out of her and that only made her worse.
"The next thing I knew, I come home and find her in bed with another woman! Stoned to the ears, both of them! I almost lost my job over that. I was so uptight I had two minor accidents in one week. I knew I had to get hold of myself, or I'd kill myself and maybe somebody else too, in an accident.
"So, I closed my eyes to it. I suppose everybody wonders why I didn't get a divorce or just walk away or throw her ass out. Well, I couldn't. I'm just not that way. She was a helpless wreck, toward the end, and I just couldn't do anything like that. I didn't have anything to be proud of, but I was proud, just the same. I was a man. I knew it, even if the world didn't notice. It wasn't any good for me or Sally, I know now, but I just couldn't do anything about it. Besides, a lawyer wanted six hundred dollars to get me a divorce! Where would a guy like me get that kind of money, without robbing somebody?
"That's how it was when Julie came to live with us. I just naturally liked her. She was sweet and clean and kind, like Sally was once, and she was not a little girl-not in her body-she was a woman. She was as lonesome as I was. She needed somebody as bad as I did. We had a need, that's all. We didn't think nothing about incest. We just thought about that need we had. It was eating my insides out, and when she came, and was so close, so lonely-well, I just had to have her.
"I'm not sorry that we had each other, even for that little while. I am sorry for what I had to do, but I think maybe I would have done it anyhow, sooner or later. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry that Julie had to be mixed up in it, but it wasn't any of her fault. All I ever got from her was good and sweet. No matter what anybody else thinks-it was good, what me and Julie had."
We shall continue with Julie's account of her torrid affair with her uncle Roy.
"I wanted to be with Roy so much, so bad, that those next few days were murder for me. I managed to stay out of Aunt Sally's way by seeing to it that she always had a good supply of gin around-Uncle Roy bought it and hid it so I could give it to her-and when some of her women friends would come, I'd just leave. I'd pretend that I had some errand to do for Uncle Roy. Most of the times, it was the same woman. She was older than Sally, and she was almost always drunk. , "A couple of times, I would pretend that I'd gone, and I'd sneak back in and peek into the living room or the bedroom. They would be in bed, either making love to each other, or just drinking gin, talking, but not laughing. I never heard Sally laugh. Most of the time, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs. She was always stoned by the time Roy came home, and after a while, we just began to ignore her. I mean, we just made love on the couch in the living room while she was smashed out of her skull from the booze. We could hear her drunken snores, and we got so we almost forgot that she was even there, after a while.
"We did everything to make each other happy. Once or twice, Uncle Roy wanted to shove his cock up my ass. I didn't like the idea at first, but then I felt that anything he would do to me wouldn't hurt. He loved me and I loved him. We were all each other had, so I told him to go ahead and do it.
"It hurt some, but when he reached in front of me and began to play with my knob, while he was shoving his dick up my asshole, I got a bang out of it, too, and I came a little bit after I first felt him shoot his hot stuff up inside my asshole.
"We loved to suck each other off at the same time, after we learned how to get into position, because he was a lot taller than I was. But the best of all was when we would fuck the regular way. I loved to lie on my back and wrap my legs around Roy, and just hang on while he pumped joy into my box.
"That's the way we were the night Sally staggered out of the bedroom and caught us. We were both naked, and we were so wrapped up in fucking that we didn't even hear her stumbling around in her room, looking for some more gin, I suppose.
"I saw her first and I froze. I was scared. She was standing there with a bleary look in her eyes, an empty gin bottle dangling from her hand. She was only wearing a dirty nightgown.
"Roy knew something was wrong when I got so stiff and scared, and he turned his head and saw her. He was startled, and he didn't even take his cock out or get up off of me. We just laid there like statues, and Sally stood almost as still as we were, except that she was weaving around, almost falling down.
"All at once, her eyes got wild. She took the gin bottle by the neck and smashed it against the radiator near the door. She came running at us, screeching, 'I'll cut your fucking cunt out, you rotten slut!' It was me she was after, and I just stiffened in terror and grabbed Roy's body. He had more sense than I did. He pushed me away quickly and scrambled up. He met her before she reached the couch, and she raised the jagged glass and tried to stab him in the face!
"He caught her arm in mid-air. He was strong, from loading all those heavy boxes and cartons every day, and I saw his fingernails digging into her flesh, but she didn't let go of the bottle. He shook her arm, but she still didn't let it fall, so he swung his other hand and hit her with his fist. She fell backward and she still had the bottle. But she was dazed, and when he came over and tried to take the bottle, she kicked Roy right in the balls! He grabbed both hands around his balls and cock, and he cursed at her. If she'd have had shoes on, she'd have probably 'nutted' him. He backed off a little, holding his crotch, and she got to a sitting position, then on her hands and knees, still grasping that scary, jagged bottle! She didn't even pay any attention to Roy-she came at me again! I was laying there, too scared to move. I was scared for Roy and scared for me. Sally was like a mad person. She was frothing at the mouth. She was cursing me, but I couldn't understand what she was saying, she was so mad.
"I threw up my arms, expecting to feel that sharp, ragged glass cutting into my flesh. I just wanted to save my eyes and my face.
"Uncle Roy moved like a football player. He just flung himself through the air and knocked her down, like you see a man tackle another man in a football game. She dropped the bottle part, and scrambled away to try to get it again, but Roy beat her to it. He grabbed it and he raised it up over her neck, while he held her down with his other hand, grabbing her around the mouth.
"'Stop it, you crazy woman!' he yelled. 'Or I'll cut your head off!'
"She kept struggling, and she brought one knee up into his crotch again. It didn't hurt as much as the first kick, because she couldn't get a good swing.
"Then everything seemed to go crazy. I saw Roy's arm going up and down. I heard his cursing and her screams, and I suddenly realized that I was screaming, too.
"Then Sally stopped screaming. She just laid there, blood all over her face and neck. I could hear her gasping, making a funny, bubbly sound. Roy stood up, with the bottle still in his hand. He just stared down at her, and in a minute or so, she stopped making any noise at all.
"I'd never seen a dead person, but I knew she was dead. Uncle Roy was beginning to cry. He just sobbed, over and over, 'Oh my God, oh my God!'
"I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. The world was caving in on me, and I was so scared that I wet all over myself and the couch!
"It seemed like an hour that he just stood there, but it must have only been a minute. Then he snapped out of it and came over and put his arms around me. 'What's gonna happen to you, baby?' he said. 'I messed it all up. I just made a mess of everything.'
"I was shaking with fright, and I don't remember all the things he said, but he made me get my clothes on and he told me to take a long, long walk. He said when I came back, he'd have it straightened out. I guess he wasn't really thinking straight, either.
"I left, and I didn't find out until a lot later what had happened. He had tried to carry her body out to the car. He was going to crash the car some lonely spot, and he had put her clothes on her. But what none of us knew was that the people in the next house had heard all the screaming and cursing, and had called the cops. They got there just as he was putting her body into the car.
"They arrested him and they waited until I came home. Then they took me to a police station where they only took young kids.
"It was like a bad dream from there on. They asked me all kind of questions, and then they had a doctor examine me. Uncle Roy had already come once when we were on the couch, and they found his juices in me or something like that.
"They treated me all right, but I just cried day and night. I had to appear at Roy's trial, too, and his lawyer had me on the witness stand. I told all about Sally sucking my cunt that first day, and about seeing her with other women in bed, licking each other's pussies and sticking their fingers inside each other's cunt! I told the truth about everything, right up to the point where I left the house.
"I guess it wouldn't have been so bad for Roy if he hadn't tried to get rid of Sally's body. But his lawyer seemed to think that I had helped a lot by telling all those things. I wasn't there when they found him guilty, or when the judge sentenced him. They had already taken me to this home, and I read about it in the papers.
"I can't write to him, and they won't let him write to me. I wish I could die, I'm so lonesome. I don't know what I'll be like when I get out of here, or what I'll do. But if I can find a way, I'll wait until my uncle gets out. Maybe I can make up to him for all the trouble I got him into, I don't know."
That is the story of the two worlds of Julie: one a brief encounter with sexual and spiritual love, from an uncle, the other of poverty, despair and finally, tragedy.
She will doubtless shy away from any lesbian contacts in the institution where she is confined. When the first shock of lone ess and the deep tragedy wanes a bit, perhaps she will adapt to life there, study, and one day, emerge with the scars on her soul somewhat healed.
We hope so.