Chapter 1
The Hero Always Gets the Girl
"I had never known a man like Mike. He was so different from all the jerks that I grew up with in that hick town. He was the best-looking boy I'd ever seen in my life-like a movie star. And the way the girls in his neighborhood followed him around-and to think that I was the one that he took out and made love to. It made me dizzy, just remembering it.
"Mike was my dad's youngest brother, and he is only seven years older than I am. It may seem funny-the closeness in age, but there were eleven children in my father's family. Daddy was the oldest and Mike was the youngest-they had big families in the country in those days, I guess. Anyhow, when my dad died, I went to live with my grandma and grandpa-my mother had died when I was three. Daddy never remarried, but I always had a housekeeper-an old lady named Mrs. Baum, who kept house and cared for me. She was nice. She wasn't real bossy or anything, and I used to be allowed to do a lot of things. I was an only child and daddy spoiled me pretty bad-at least, everyone said so.
"My grandparents had moved to the city a long time ago. My granddad's health got bad, and the doctors told him he needed a warmer climate, so they sold the farm and moved to California. Granddad was always a tight one with a dollar, and they had a pretty nice place. Besides, my dad had left a lot of insurance money for my bringing up and schooling, and granddad got a check every month that more than paid my way.
"Mike was the only one still living at home, when I went to live with them. He was eighteen then, in his last year of high school, and I was almost twelve. I had already started to menstruate and my breasts were taking shape. I had quite a bit of hair under my arms and around my pussy, but because it was such a light blonde shade, it hardly showed.
"I think I had a crush on Mike from the first time I laid eyes on him. He was so handsome, and always smiling-always kidding and making people laugh. I didn't remember much about him when he used to visit us in the country, except that he was always teasing me. He hadn't really stopped when I went to live with them.
"Only, his teasing was different, now. He would pinch me on the titty when I passed, or grab me by the fanny and goose me. Sometimes, he would grab me and hold me close and stick his tongue in my ear until it made me want to scream-or he'd stick his tongue into my mouth and get me all excited. Mike was strong. He was going to college on a football scholarship, and he had been on the wrestling team in high school, and he was a shotputter and discus thrower, too, on the track team.
"He had red hair that laid in soft curls and it made any girl want to just run her fingers through it. He was tall, and I heard one girl say he was 'built like a Greek god.'
"Anyhow, after my daddy died, it was Mike that made me feel welcome at granddad's. They were getting pretty old, and after having that many kids of their own, plus a lot of grandchildren running around, I guess they weren't too happy to have a young girl around. They were nice enough, but pretty old-fashioned and strict. Mike was the only one that could get his way with them, and he and I became good buddies right off.
"When I was about ten, I had begun to masturbate a lot, but after I went to live with my grandparents, and Mike began to fool around with my titties and my pussy, I did it almost every night when I went to bed. I used to pretend that it was his finger that was playing with my knob, or that he was on top of me, put ting his cock inside of me. I'd seen a couple doing that down by the swimming hole back home, and I watched the way she giggled, then moaned and groaned and rolled around, as if she wanted to scream with delight. I used to pretend it was that boy that was playing with me or screwing me when I masturbated, but now it was always Mike.
"We had a TV, but grandpa and grandma used to go to bed real early, and they never would let me stay up to watch after eight o'clock. But Mike fixed that. Nights when he was home, he'd sneak up to my room and tell me to come on down and watch TV with him. He always made sure his mother and father were asleep first, then he and I would sit in the big armchair and drink soft drinks and watch TV.
"I used to wear a nightie-the old-fashioned, down-to-the-floor kind, and when I would sit on Mike's lap he would tickle me. Sometimes he would play with the nipples of my breast, or he would run his fingers up and down the inside of my thighs-just brushing the lips of my pussy, but not sticking his finger in. I used to spread my legs and wish that he would really play with me-stick his finger up inside me and rub my clit. But he used to seem to get his kicks from just teasing me.
"I knew that I was beginning to have a nice shape. Boys at school used to whistle and a couple of them had even asked me to go to the movies with them, but my grandma said I couldn't date until I was sixteen, so that took care of that.
"It wasn't so bad, though, because if there was a good movie on that I really wanted to see, Mike would talk them into letting me go with him. We always had a real good time. He'd act as if I were his date-you know, put his arm around me and feel my titties, or run his hand up under my dress and fool with my thighs and rub my pussy lips once in a while.
"That's where it first happened between me and my Uncle Mike. I don't mean intercourse, but this one night, we both knew that it was more than a game we were playing. Mike had a car, and this night, we went to a drive-in movie. I don't even remember what the movie was. All I can remember is just knowing in my bones that Mike was going to do something 'different' to me. I just had a feeling like electricity was running up and down my body, and Mike was extra quiet on the way to the movie. I noticed that he kept looking at my legs. I was wearing a real short skirt, a thin blouse, and no bra. He just couldn't seem to concentrate on his driving, but he didn't say much. He just kept staring at me out of the corner of his eye.
"When we parked at the movie, and got the speaker attached, we settled down to watch the movie-or I did, anyhow. Mike was still staring at me in the dimness. It was as if I could feel his eyes burning holes through my clothes. Then he put his arm around me and pulled me close. He said a funny thing: he asked me how old I was! He knew perfectly well that I was almost thirteen years old.
"But he didn't wait for an answer. He said, 'Patsy, you're a beautiful girl. Did you know that?' Of course I thought I was attractive, but I got a thrill hearing Mike say it. He went on, drawing closer to my ear with his lips and talking softly. 'I shouldn't say 'girl,' because you're a woman-a lovely, budding woman.' As he was saying it, his other hand was running up under my skirt and he was feeling my breast with the hand that he had over my shoulder.
"I had always gotten a thrill from his touching me, but this time was different. I could feel little twitches starting inside my pussy and running up to my scalp. I could almost feel his fingers burning when he touched me. I'd had boys at school feel me up, and it gave me some kicks, but nothing like Mike's touch. And his lips were close to my ear, whispering and blowing softly in it. He knew that always turned me on, and he was pouring it on real good. Funny, but I suddenly remembered all the times I had masturbated, pretending Mike was making love to me, and here we were, all alone, and he was starting to do all the things I'd dreamed of him doing to me.
"I turned toward him and opened my lips. His arms closed around me and his tongue shot into my mouth. Almost without thinking, I reached out for the bulge in the front of his pants. I could see his cock getting hard for the last five minutes, and I just wanted to touch it, maybe stroke it or kiss it!
"Mike's tongue was driving me crazy, flicking in and out of my mouth. He freed one hand and rubbed my breast, and I really caught fire. I unzipped his pants and took his prick out. I ran my hand up and down it, feeling it and stroking it. I could hear Mike begin to gasp and to breathe heavily as his fingers grew more insistent on my breasts. He was actually hurting me as he dug his nails into the soft flesh, but it was a delicious hurt and I never wanted him to stop.
"I kept on playing with his cock and it throbbed and jumped in my hand. Mike kept getting more excited and he stopped kneading my breast and instead, he slid his hand down behind me, then up under my dress and began to pull off my panties. I lifted up to help him, and he dropped them on the floor. He crawled down on the floor, and pulled my legs sideways so he could reach my pussy, and he spread my legs and plunged his mouth down onto my pussy!
"It was like a tongue of flame being shoved into my cunt, and I automatically grabbed the back of his head and pulled him closer to me. He began to push his tongue into my pussy, touching the knob with every movement of it, and I began to heave my butt in rhythm with his tonguing.
"I was astonished when I came inside a minute ! It was my first real come with another person involved, and it happened so fast that it startled me. I gasped and moaned while Mike kept on sucking my clit and digging his nails into the soft flesh of my thighs. His cock was still out, standing up stiff and proud. I could see it in the dimness, and I could only think of one thing: I wanted to suck it! I wanted to feel it in my mouth and to tongue it and make Mike as thrilled as he had made me.
"I pushed him away and said bluntly, 'I want to kiss yours, Mike.' He looked at me in a strange way, but he scrambled back onto the seat and I crawled down so I was on my knees between his legs. I took his cock in my hand and began to lick it, going up and down the shaft of it, running my tongue around the rim of the head, and finally, I plunged it as deep into my mouth as I could, using a sucking motion all the while.
"I could feel Mike trembling and hear him panting and saying, 'Oh, God-oh, God-do it, baby-do it!'
"Before I realized what was happening, my mouth was flooded with his hot, sticky semen. It came out in such strong jets that all I could do was to swallow it and keep on sucking. He was bucking with his ass to make the last little throb of joy last longer, and then he pushed me away, I thought maybe I had displeased him, but he said, 'Look, honey-we've got to get out of here! I've got to do you up good, and have some more of you, and this damned place is too wide open!'
"He started the car and I nestled beside him. His pants were still unzipped and I put my hand inside and played with his half-stiff prick. He smiled at me and told me it felt so good that I Wouldn't be sorry when we got to a place where we could be alone and he could thrill me.
"He headed out of town, and near the outskirts, he stopped at a motel. It was a small place and it looked pretty dead. He told me to stay in the car and he went in and got a room. The old lady didn't even look out, although I was squeezed down on the seat so she couldn't have seen me if she had looked. Mike got a single bed place, and we drove to the last cabin in the group. He had told the manager that he wanted to be as far back from the road as he could, so he could get a good night's sleep, and she had given him the very last one.
"When I walked in, I felt strange-not guilty, but queer. I had never been inside a motel before, and I don't know what I expected, but it was nice and clean, and that was all that counted. Mike flipped on the lights and then he took me in his arms and kissed me. 'Don't be scared, Marlene,' he said gently. 'I love you, and I promise I won't hurt you. You'll see. Just trust me.'
"I was still heated up and excited from sucking his prick and playing with it in the car, and I knew that he meant that he wanted to do more than just lick my pussy. He wanted to fuck me. I could tell by the way he kept looking at me while I undressed and he stripped.
"When I was naked, I laid down on the bed with my legs spread. I noticed that the nipples of my breasts were hard and standing up. Mike had begun to get a real good hard-on again, and he walked over and sat beside me on the bed, his hands on either side of me. He leaned over and kissed my nipples, then my stomach and finally, he began to stick his tongue up inside my aching, wet cunt. I could hardly wait. I reached out and began to jerk his cock, but he took my hand away and climbed on the bed, taking a position between my outstretched legs. He was on his knees, and his prick stood up stiffly. He said, 'Don't be scared, honey. Just try to relax and tell me if I hurt you, so I can change around. It might hurt a little bit when I shove it in, but in a couple of minutes, you'll forget all about it-it will be so good for you!'
"I was nervous, but not about his hurting me-I just wanted to get going, so I could see if it was as wonderful as I had imagined, having a man fuck me!
"Mike lowered his body after he had put both pillows under my fanny to raise it up to meet the level of his prick. He was on his knees and he edged up closer to my pussy until the head of his cock just brushed the lips of my cunt. He spread the lips of it with one hand and took his prick in the other, and then he slowly began to lower his body.
"When I felt the head of it entering my pussy, it felt so big and round and hard that I wondered if Mike had been lying to me about how much it might hurt. It didn't seem possible that he could get that big thing inside me, but it didn't really hurt. He worked slowly, inching a little bit more of his prick inside me with each stroke. As I got wetter and hotter, his prick slid in easier. I put my legs up high and let them rest on the back of his hips, and I felt his cock going in real deep. It did hurt, but it began to feel so good, like he said it would, that I wasn't even aware of any pain after the first minute or so. When he had it going in and out smoothly, Mike let his weight down on my body a little more, and he reached under me with one hand and held my ass, pulling me up to meet his thrusts.
"I began to moan and writhe, it was so wonderful. I wanted to just take him all the way inside me and keep him there forever. He leaned forward and began kissing my lips and eyes and neck, and I was on a cloud! I was somebody different, and I was standing beside the bed and looking at every movement I made. I kept soaring higher and higher, getting dizzy from the ecstasy, and then a shower of stars burst inside my cunt!
"Mike was pumping fast now, and I was lunging upward to meet him. His cock was touching the very depths of my cunt, but it was massaging the little knob as it went in and out, and I had my first real fucking orgasm! Mike came about a second or two later, and we just let go, rolling around the bed, biting, kissing, thrusting and coming. I had another lightning climax just as Mike was slowing down, and when he relaxed, his cock still in me, I put my arms around him and hugged him to my body.
"He asked, 'Was it good for you, baby?' I told him in gasps, that it was too wonderful to even describe, and that I wanted more of it.
"He said that we would have to be going, so grandpa didn't suspect anything, because Mike always had me home when he had said he would, before. But he did take time to kiss my breasts and suck my cunt a little, and he told me I should wash it out real good in the bathroom, then take a pee.
"I did what he said, and he got dressed and helped me into my clothes, kissing me and feeling me up all the while. I wished that we could stay all night, naked, together like we were, but Mike grinned and said that there would be a lot of nights like that from now on-and there were-even better ones!"
A study of young girls who are addicted to masturbation reveals that almost 100 percent of them fantasize about a close relative-that is, during their early teen and subteen years.
Statistics are deceiving concerning incest, for the simple reason that all families consider it sinful and shameful and tend to try to cover it up at all costs.
Marlene was in a classic position to engage in an incestuous relationship with her uncle, for several reasons. She had lived for the past few years in an atmosphere of masculinity, for after her mother died, Marlene lived with her father. That she formed an attachment for him is undoubtedly true, even though she may not have realized that she had also formed a sexual attachment to him.
As her body was developing into that of a young woman, she was also developing the mating instincts of all girls. It is well to note that psychiatrists are in complete accord that a young girl is at her sexually aggressive peak between the ages of twelve and sixteen.
When her father passed away, Marlene doubtless felt forlorn and desolated. Her father had been the center of her life, which meant that she needed a strong male figure to replace him.
Placed in the care of her aging grandparents, Marlene deeply felt the lack of communication, the fact that they had nothing in common.
It was quite natural that she would fall in love with (infatuated with is a better phrase) the first young male who came along. That Mike was handsome, athletic, jovial and, as we have seen, able to communicate with Marlene at her level of intelligence and emotion, merely enhanced the chances that incest would result.
Medical science has established firmly that a child's first spiritual and sexual attachment is connected with a member of the immediate family-usually of the opposite sex. Boys usually form a strong attachment for their mother or an older sister-or, if she is in close enough contact, an aunt.
Girls quickly throw off the natural "mother attachment" and become enraptured with an older brother or the father. When the father image is removed (as it was in Marlene's case), the sexual and emotional attachment is usually transferred to the nearest male, of whatever age. In cases where a young girl is bereaved of her father at an early age, she invariably instigates sexual contact with a brother, regardless of his age. Many case histories show that in brother-sister incest, it is the girl who usually triggers the sex. play and pushes it through to consummation of the sex act in full intercourse.
There is a natural awareness in the minds of most young people, male or female, that incest is wrong-not so much morally or on religious grounds, but because of a danger of disrupting the family structure, if found out. Usually, after a few childish experiments such as playing "Doctor," or merely exploring the organs of the other sibling, the child is satisfied and soon his attention is transferred to an area outside the family, as he enters school.
"Out of sight, out of mind" seems to apply aptly in most cases of early sex play with a relative, and as the focus of his activities shifts to other arenas, so does the child's sex interests.
None of these elements was present in Marlene's case. She had been an only child who had lost her mother and then her father, thus, any thoughts on the matter of "breaking up a home" were not forthcoming to her. Death had already destroyed all her close family ties. As she matured and began to function as a young lady (menstruation, growth of pubic hair) she also began to develop emotionally into a young woman.
Mike, although her uncle, was a stranger to her. He was young, handsome, happy-go-lucky-and, most important, he was close at hand. Mike quickly saw the budding young breasts and the changing of her body from a gangly stage to a curvesome one, and he made tentative passes at her (feeling her breasts, tongue kissing, etc.) to see just how grown up Marlene was. Beyond doubt, had she objected or "tattled" to her grandparents, Mike would have desisted, but when she responded, no matter how coyly, incest was bound to result.
Once aroused, Marlene could not help herself. As she masturbated, she fantasized about Mike. She saw him many times each day. She came to "hero worship" him for his good looks and gay manner, as well as his athletic prowess. He was a ready-made, ideal sex partner, and Marlene sensed it instinctively.
She felt no guilt, as we pointed out before, because she saw no danger to the family relationships, and also, because Mike was, in effect, a total stranger.
Under different circumstances, there is little doubt that Marlene would have settled upon a sex object, of whatever age that was available and willing. This is not to blame her for the incestuous relationship, but merely to accent her strong part in developing it. As we shall see later, it was not a game with her, nor a brief fling, as it might have been to a much more mature young lady. Mike became her idol-her man, in a very real sense.
Many women have admitted that they never entirely forget their first sexual affair, nor do they ever quite relinquish a "certain" close feeling for the man who first deflowered them. Marlene was no exception. As time passed, and other boys began to become important to her, she was able to put Mike aside for a time, but always, he was "the one"-the man to whom she had willingly surrendered her virginity.
In his excellent book, Sex Is Everywhere, sexologist Gordon B. Strunk points out some interesting sidelights to incestuous behavior. He says: "Sexual fondling of young children by adults and adolescents, such as aunts and uncles who pretend to cuddle and love, account for a large number of incestuous relationships later on, including the performance of intercourse.
"Accomplished intercourse unfortunately affects future adjustments to sexual normalcy in addition to the sordid immediate effects on the individuals involved. Though not clearly defined as yet, there seems to be a clear tie-in with early incestuous acts and later homosexuality-particularly in the case of the female.
"Very often, she is abused by a relative and becomes wary, then bitter to all males. This ultimately drives her to the more gentle and 'emotional' love of woman for woman, and often, the lesbianism lasts for life.
"Another factor in later development of sex patterns is the fact of guilt. Since most civilized human societies have strong taboos against incest, the young child eventually finds that what he has done (or is still doing) is considered wrong, sinful and immoral, by any yard stick he may apply to it-the law, the family, the church and the community in which he lives.
"Thus, the seeds of guilt are deeply embedded, and we often find that the person who has engaged in a lengthy or disastrous incestuous affair, subconsciously seeks to be punished for his guilt. If, on the other hand, this individual places the entire blame on a member of the opposite sex, it is but a short step to hating and fearing any member of the opposite sex.
"Prostitutes have revealed that a large percentage of them actually hate men, because their first sexual experiences were at the hands of a close relative, or if not, then a brutish, uncaring male."
It would seem then, that Marlene had escaped all the more dire results of incest, but the human ego is not that simple to put aside. Marlene, in addition to giving her body to Mike, had given him her total love. She did not truly love her grandparents. Her own parents were dead. All the love she was capable of feeling, went to her uncle, Mike. When the relationship broke off, as it had to when Mike left for college, Marlene's world came tumbling down about her head. It was an even more shattering loss than that of her father, since her love for Mike took the form of boy-girl "fun," as well as being the love of a rapidly maturing woman for an adult man.
In this situation, it was natural that Mike would be the one to develop guilt feelings. Naturally, his first thought was to break off the affair before something tragic occurred-such as Marlene getting pregnant.
However, Mike was not a usual, run-of-the-mill young man. He had had sexual intercourse with a neighbor girl when he was thirteen. He had been caught, the first time, and his parents had made his life a virtual prison. He never dated until they died, when Mike was seventeen, and this left him with a severe fear of women. Mike did not date much in high school and when he did, it was merely to escort a girl to a game or a school dance, then bid her good-bye.
When Marlene appeared on the scene, Mike made the same immature mistake that many child molesters, seducers and rapists make-he thought of Marlene as a "child," a toy that he could have fun with. He didn't count on her being able to arouse him fully to the point where he would want to possess her sexually, and before he realized it, his emotions and passions had gotten out of his control.
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," the poet says, and it is a truism that cannot be contradicted. Fury knows no age limits; a young snake is as deadly as a full grown one. In a few short months, a lion cub becomes as dangerous as the mother or father, and thus it is with humans. Hate can be an overpowering emotion that leads to the destruction of the hated as well as the hater.
Let us continue with Marlene's account of her passionate affair with "Uncle Mike."
"After that first time in the motel, I couldn't get enough of Mike. I thought about him at school, at home, when I went to bed at night. He was there all the time, as I had seen him, naked, all man! When the boys began to ask me to go out, I guess they thought I was a snob, because when I'd look at them, I mentally compared them with my uncle Mike, and they didn't interest me at all.
"I guess I was dreading it all along, but I still wasn't ready to give Mike up when he left for college. We had a wonderful summer together. Mike had to report to college early to begin football practice with the freshman team, and we crowded everything we could into the few weeks he had until college. We used to go swimming at night. We'd go to the beach and build a fire. It was like we were the only ones in the whole world, and after the fire died down, we would always make love-lots of different ways.
"One weekend, we went up to a cabin in the mountains that was owned by the father of one of Mike's buddies, and we were all alone-like being married.
"Mike was awfully horny that time, and for the first time, he had me in the asshole! I don't know just how it all started. I remember that he was kissing my body all over. We had already fucked the regular way. We had hiked through the woods most of the afternoon, and we were both tired, so I just laid there and let Mike smother my body with kisses and caresses. He rolled me onto my stomach and began to kiss the back of my neck, then down to my fanny, between my thighs-he made me tingle all over. Then, without warning, I began to menstruate! I jumped and ran for the bathroom and inserted a sanitary napkin. I was embarrassed, of course, and all I could think of was to apologize to Mike for spoiling our weekend together. He waved his hand and said it didn't matter, but it mattered to me. I was hot as hell every time I had the rag on, and I wouldn't leave him alone. I kept on fooling around and kissed his naked body all over, and finally, I got him good and hard.
"I told him that I would suck him off, that there was no point in both of us going without, but he balked. He said it wasn't fair to me, and he convinced me that he really was too tired. I asked him to rub my legs and back. The muscles in the back of my legs were tired and sore, and he got some body lotion that I had brought, and while I relaxed on my stomach, Mike began to rub my back. When he moved down to my thighs, I was feeling so sleepy and relaxed that I didn't even notice that he was working on the cheeks of my ass. He would push hard on them, spreading them open so that he could see my asshole real good, close up.
"He didn't say a word. He was naked all the time, and suddenly, I felt him on his knees between my legs. He leaned forward and I felt his cock brushing the crack of my ass. I thought he was just teasing me, and that he wouldn't put his cock into my cunt when I was bleeding the way I was. I hadn't noticed that he had smeared the body lotion all over the end of his cock. The next thing I knew he was shoving it up my asshole!
"It hurt like hell, and for some strange reason, it made me furious! I guess I'd heard the kids pop off about being 'cornholed,' and all that dirty stuff, but I never believed that people really did that! I tried to roll away, but Mike put one hand down on the small of my back and held me down while he kept on shoving his cock into my asshole, deeper with every jab.
"Then he just let his whole weight down on me, holding me almost helpless, while he reached around under me and shoved one finger up inside my cunt and began to rub my clit in rhythm with the pokes of his prick up my ass!
"I began to relax as his cock slid in and out a lot easier, and besides, he was turning me on with his fingering and there was a funny wonder or curiosity building up inside my brain. I wondered how many other ways there were to have sex, that I had never dreamed of! And at the end, I was really beginning to enjoy it! Mike took his finger out of my cunt and concentrated on his own come, so I just put my finger inside me and masturbated myself. I came when I felt his hot load of juice shooting deep into my asshole, and it wasn't bad. Not as good as being fucked, but still, it was satisfying.
"When Mike collapsed and lay beside me, breathing hard, I was proud, in a silly way. There was nothing that I wouldn't do to please him, and now, I'd learned another way-a way that might come in handy, when I was menstruating, or when Mike was in the mood for something different.
"He started to apologize, but. I shut him off with a kiss. I told him it was all right-that anything that pleased him was all right with me. He laid there a long time with me in his arms, and I finally fell asleep.
"In the morning, he explained what had happened to him. He said that he had heard the guys talking about ass-fucking, and he had always wondered about it. He said he never would try it with a guy, like some of the guys bragged that they had done, but that it still intrigued him. He said he wouldn't ask me to do it that way anymore, and I could see he really was ashamed; He felt bad too, because I could suck him off, or let him shove it up my ass, but there wasn't much he could do to really make me come when I was menstruating.
"When we got home, Mike started to get ready to go off to college, and although the school was only a little more than a hundred miles away, I felt like he was going to another world. I felt a lot worse than I had when my dad died, but then, I loved Mike a lot more than I ever had loved anyone.
"We had one good night together before he left-and it turned out later to be the most important night we'd ever spent together. The only thing that spoiled it was that I cried almost all night. I was like a baby, crying for a bottle. I just hated to even go to sleep, knowing that I would be wasting all those hours. We went to the same motel where I first had Mike, but this time it seemed ugly and dirty.
"Mike was sweet-the sweetest he'd ever been. He said he just wanted to have me the straight way-that he wanted to just thrill the both of us by locking our bodies together by intercourse. We had intercourse twice, then I kissed him until he was ready again, and then we had a third fuck. I could always go longer than Mike, and he was pooped when he finished. He fell asleep in my arms, and I think I stayed awake until daylight, just holding him and feeling sorry for myself at losing him. We had already talked about how I could visit him some weekends, but all that seemed so far away and so impossible, that it didn't help.
"We went home very early. I had said I was staying with a girl friend, and Mike was supposed to have been with a fellow who was also going to college with him. Because Mike was leaving that morning, he said he would pick me up and bring me home early so I could go to the bus depot with him, and grandpa didn't suspect a thing.
"I don't know how I ever kept from fainting or going into hysterics when he climbed on that bus and waved good-bye. Then he was gone. I was alone again. I tried to tell myself that I could hang on to the dreams and memories, but I was kidding myself. I needed him. I wanted him to belong to me forever. I didn't want to be away from him even one day!
"I couldn't concentrate on school when it started. I began to get skinny, and nervous, and then, the whole world turned black. I had tried to put any worry aside, but it was there all the time after I missed my first period. I knew I was pregnant! I had all the symptoms-nausea, pains inside my body-and I had already begun to show a little bulge. I figured it out on a calendar and I knew I had to be at least three months gone!
"I panicked. I couldn't tell my grandparents-it would have killed them-especially if they thought that Mike was the father. Probably my grandpa would have killed me, for get ting his 'baby' in such a jam. But most of all, I was worried about what Mike would say or do.
"I had no one to turn to. Panic began to really get to me. I even thought of committing suicide, but that mood didn't last long. I guess I began to think like a woman for the first time, because I sat down and analyzed the whole thing. I came up with the thought that, this was what had happened, so we had to work it out-me and Mike. And, in a vague way, I did want to have the baby, even though I hadn't the slightest idea of what I'd do for a living. Mike had to work for his meals and board at college, and there wouldn't be any left over to see after me or a baby. Grandpa was out. He was pretty strait-laced, and I didn't have the guts to tell him. I didn't feel close enough to anyone to even let on, so I just stood still and did nothing.
"It was one of the teachers at school that spotted my condition and cornered me and put it right point blank. Miss Felton was her name, and she asked me right out if I was pregnant. I was desperate enough by then to blab to anybody. I wasn't a grown woman-I was just a scared, lonely little girl, who was not yet fourteen.
"I thought she would turn me in, but she didn't. She was so nice. She said I should keep quiet about it and we would work something out-somehow. I had to believe in somebody, so I did what she said.
"A week later, she told me that she had it all arranged. I would stay with her until the baby came, then all the expenses would be paid by a family who would take the baby and raise it as their own.
"It was an out, but I wondered if Mike would hate me for giving his baby away. I hadn't told him-Miss Felton said I shouldn't, but I had to give him a chance, so I called him collect at the school.
"I almost came apart at the seams at his reaction. He screamed at me-called me a dumb little bastard-he even said it probably wasn't his baby, because he knew what a hot little ass I had!
"He said that if I ever told his mother and father, he'd beat the hell out of me, and that he would deny the whole thing anyhow! I was in a daze after talking to him, and I just stayed at Miss Felton's-Irma's. I never went back to my grandparents. I wrote a note and told them that I couldn't stand living there anymore, and that I was running away. I guess they never did notify the cops or anyone, because there was nothing in the papers about it.
"Even the school didn't dig much. I wrote a note and said I was transferring to a school back east, and I guess they thought 'good riddance,' because that was all there was to it.
"I came to adore Irma in the next few months. She was so good to me-so kind and understanding. I guess I lived there almost a month before she let me know what she was doing all this for. I suppose you've already guessed that she was a lesbian. But she is the kindest, gentlest person I have ever known in my life. I was so hungry for some loving that when she began to massage my breasts one night, then kiss them and suck on the nipples, I wouldn't have been able to resist anyone-man or woman or child. I had become so used to have Mike love me, and for me to love, and it smashed me all up inside, the way he had talked to me.
"I loved him, but at the same time, I hated his guts! He acted as if it was all my fault, that he had nothing to do with it! Sure, I was a dumb little bastard, but if he was so smart, I don't know why he didn't at least use a safety! He knew I was menstruating, and that should have told him that I could get pregnant. All he ever said was, 'Take a pee, honey, and wash it out good with warm, soapy water!' Big, wonderful man of the world.
"Anyhow, by the time the baby came, I was already in love with Irma. I knew that nobody could ever match her for kindness and sweetness, and her lovemaking was as sweet and satisfying as I'd always dreamed of. I had learned to perform cunnilingus for her, just the way she liked it, and she was so patient with me, while my stomach was all swelled up and I felt like I was a freak.
"When the baby was born, I asked for something to put me to sleep. I didn't want to see it, and I never did. It was adopted when it was three days old. All I know is that it was a girl. I don't know what it weighed, what color eyes or hair it had-nothing. Irma felt it was best that way. I don't think of it often, except to wonder a little bit whether it looked like me or Mike.
"Irma and I moved to a new neighborhood on the far side of the city, after she asked to be transferred. It was a lot easier. I didn't have to sneak around, afraid someone who knew me would see me and blab to my grandparents or to the school authorities.
"I wanted to quit school, but Irma insisted I go, so I took her name and passed as her younger sister. That made our living together a lot safer, too. We stayed together and were desperately in love for three years. When I graduated from high school, I was really a grown-up person. And why not? An incestuous affair with an uncle that had given me a baby-then three years with a lesbian. God, did I ever feel I was older than seventeen!
"I took a job as a waitress when I was through school. I was on a moddy kick where I wanted to see what the world of men-and 'straight' women-was all about. I tried to be obvious with guys that looked okay, and a lot of them asked me for dates. But I just froze up. I couldn't let any of them put his arm around me or kiss me, let alone feel me up or undress me. I wanted it, but I couldn't have it.
"I've read a lot since then-psychology books and stuff, and I guess I feel guilty about the baby, about the incest, about becoming a lesbian-about my whole life since my father died. I may be able to break out of it someday and live a regular life. Right now, I live with two other girls and they are both lesbians. I have sex often, but it doesn't turn me on anymore. I don't know if it ever will, or if I'll ever be able to know a man's body again. I'm not ready to try it yet. It seems like I'm in a cage, with the key hanging right outside, where I can reach it, but when I start to-it disappears, almost as if it were all a nightmare.
"If I can save enough money, maybe I'll go to a psychiatrist. I don't believe in that 'headshrinking' shit, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to stay this way, and I'm afraid to have a man fuck me, because I have that big hang-up about the baby. If I ever do find a man that loves me, I'll have to tell him the whole rotten story, and risk losing him. But if he can stick with me, after hearing my sad story, I know he and I will be able to work it outmake it work-all the way."
NOTE: Marlene, as of this writing, has taken the first step toward self-help. She has attended several group therapy sessions and seems much encouraged at the lifting of even a small part of her guilt feelings. Perhaps as time goes by, with private sessions, she will, as she so desperately wishes to, "make it work-all the way."