Chapter 5
Hazardous Houseplay
"There was something strange in the way he looked at me, his eyes piercing through my nightgown. I thought he was trying to be friendly, trying to make up for the love I'd missed. But his love wasn't the kind I expected.
"I turned my cheek for him to kiss me goodnight, but the first thing I knew, his mouth was planted fully and firmly upon mine, his tongue trying to part my lips. I squirmed reluctantly, but his grasp was strong and demanding.
"'No!' I managed to cry out. His relentless mouth hushed my protest, his lips bearing down hard on mine, twisting them and forcing them apart.
"No one had ever kissed me this way before. I knew that this was the secret that grown-ups tried to keep from us kids, that this was sex. At thirteen you dream about things like this, but you don't expect them to happen for real. And no matter how hard you try to imagine what lovemaking is really like, you don't know until it happens. And with me it happened with Jess, a man I wanted desperately to call 'father."
"There was no way on earth I could have stopped him. Kate, his bitchy wife, was gone for the evening and he was determined to have me right then and there. Sure, I knew tricks to use with a rapist. You push your fingers in their eyes or knee them in the balls. I couldn't do anything like that to Jess, though. I was too crazy about him even then.
"Had he guessed how I felt about him? That I thought he was the handsomest man I'd ever seen? That I sympathized every time his wife treated him lousy? Had I brought all this upon myself somehow? These things raced through my mind, then and afterwards, too. Well, if I'd really led him on, I couldn't blame him, could I? I'd have to keep my unspoken promises.
"It's true that I felt a tingle of attraction for him, even when the social worker was introducing us. Here was this tough, lean-looking guy, tall and brawny, with hands big enough to crush me. I knew as I looked at the pair of them standing there just what was up. His dumpy wife wanted to have a kid around to get even with him for something, maybe for not making her pregnant with a kid of her own. She was a mean one. She wouldn't have known how to mother a kitten or a puppy or be kind to a crippled, dying bird. And she hated Jess, probably because his big boots made marks on her floors. I knew her type, hustling and bustling around with the Ajax to keep herself from doing something really violent.
"Jess wasn't the meek sort, though, and I figured that he spent most of his time away from the house, probably taking refuge in drinking beer. And he didn't really want a kid around either, except maybe he thought that would give Kate something to occupy herself with.
"'I thought you meant a little kid,' he said to the social worker, as he looked me up and down.
"'Barbara's a little mature for her age. You'll find her bright and agreeable. She'll be a lot of help to your wife, too.' The social worker smiled cheerily.
"Hell, that social worker was either putting on a big show or else she was downright dumb. I knew more than she did about people from watching TV and movies and trying to imagine what real families were like.
"She was right about one thing, though, Kate put me to work, scrubbing and polishing, hardly giving me time off to do my homework. I felt like Cinderella, but there was no fairy godmother and no prince for me.
"Unless the prince was Jess. He was the only thing I liked about my life. School was awful; the kids treated me like dirt. Jess would joke with me and be nice to me. He liked me from the start, but I had no notion of the way he liked me. Really I didn't know it would come to this.
"That's what made it so difficult. I had a crush on Jess and I'd dreamed that someday he'd start being really sweet to me, the way a father should be. Well, I didn't know much about men, I'll admit. I thought it would be possible for him to just hold me gently, nothing more than that. I thought that's what love was with a father or a boyfriend or anybody.
"There was nothing gentle or loving about his advances. He wasn't the same person who'd told me about hunting and fishing a few hours earlier. He'd turned into a wild beast.
"As he pressed his lips down roughly against mine, his hands struggled to get inside my nightgown, ripping it in several places. That's how desperate he was. I could do nothing but surrender myself to him, for I was frightened, not sure what he'd do if I didn't give in.
"So I yielded, letting his tongue into my mouth where it swirled around, brushing my own tongue as well as my lips and my teeth. This gave me a strange sensation which I couldn't accept as pleasure. Not yet. It was too strange, too new. At the same time, his fingers dug into my breasts, first from outside the nightgown, then on the bare skin. I knew that's what had captivated him-my breasts which were big and heavy and made me look so much older. He plucked at them roughly, not caring if he hurt me, it seemed. He acted like an animal.
"I responded without realizing it at the time, but I remember now that my breath started coming in little gasps. My heart pounded hard and loud, partly from fear and partly from pleasure. Being afraid was really part of enjoying it. Even now, I'm not sure when the fear stopped and the enjoyment began. Chills shot up my spine as his hands grazed my naked skin, chills that might have been from fear or from pleasure or from both.
"Still kissing me brutally, he positioned himself over me, lowering his body to mine, his weight nearly crushing me. It was no use struggling. I knew I couldn't get away from him, and maybe I already didn't want to.
"His thick chest now weighed heavily on my tender breasts, flattening them beneath him. With his feet and legs, he was pushing the bedcovers back, all the while squirming against me. His knees then began to pry my legs apart.
"I trembled, totally helpless now. I could feel the bulge of his cock against my belly and there was no mistaking what he meant to do.
"'I'm going to have you, Barb, you little bitch,' he said, withdrawing his lips from mine at last. 'Whether you like it or not. But I think you'll like it. I think it's what you've been wantin' all along, isn't it?'
"'No, you're mistaken,' I whispered breathlessly, 'No, Jess, no."
"But even as I protested, I felt my body begin to melt under his. My legs now touched his, although his worn trousers still kept our bare skin from meeting. He moved against me in an up and down motion that was a preview of what he would soon do to me. I felt myself begin to sway under him. My body was turning to liquid. It seemed I was a quivering heap.
"I looked up at his face, gazing into the handsomeness mixed with harsh cruelty. So this was passion. It was wrong. God, I knew it was wrong, yet somewhere inside I was proud that I could bring a man to desire me as a woman.
"Again his lips came down on mine and this time I yielded my tongue to him, letting it twirl about his as his mouth twisted mine hungrily. At the same time, I opened my thighs wider, as though to tell him to go ahead and do whatever it was. I didn't expect to like it, yet I liked what was happening now. I felt cool then hot and kind of tingley. It was like something in a dream.
"Then he broke away from me and sat up. He was gloating. He'd made me hot and he was pleased with himself. 'Oh, Jess, does it have to be this way?' I wanted to cry out to him, but I couldn't.
"I watched as he took off his pants, his cock springing out as he lowered his pants and his shorts at the same time. I'd never seen a man's naked cock before and began to wonder if there was room for it all inside me. I knew that men's organs could be pretty big, but I had no idea that when they got hard they were tough enough to stand up by themselves. I was mystified and I wanted to explore that cock.
"He gave me my wish, for as soon as his pants were off, he guided my hand toward that enormous tool. I ran my fingertips over the surface, touching all its little veins and bumps. Then he took my small hand in his and showed me how to encircle it with my thumb and forefinger. Silently, he guided my hand up and down, watching me intently. I was too entranced to say anything. To think that men carried things like this inside their pants all the time! I found it hard to believe that men and girls were really so different.
"I guess he sensed my admiration. He smiled down at me, but it was a wicked smile. I was ashamed for letting myself get so carried away, but I couldn't help it.
"The next thing I knew he was pulling up my nightgown, exposing my naked skin, my spread thighs, my belly and at last my breasts. Finally, he undid the buttons at the neck and pulled it over my head. I didn't cooperate, but I didn't do anything to hinder him. I just lay there, letting him look at my tits. He waited like a wild beast about to spring.
"Then he was over me, his lips smothering me, leaving patches of dampness all over my face. His hands worked roughly at my breasts, pulling the nipples, squeezing them. His legs were neatly between mine and hanging over my mound was his rigid prick.
"This was my last chance to stop him, but instead I lay there gasping and quaking. My body spoke a language all its own, a language that Jess understood even if I didn't.
"His hand found its way to the damp mass of hair around my pussy and for several minutes he massaged the loose, tender flesh. I trembled at his touch, never having felt anything quite like it before. My head whirled dizzily. Soon his fingers were replaced by the head of his cock. He moved it up and down along the slippery surface of my cunt.
"Probably the hole wasn't all that easy to find. I didn't think I was a virgin, technically speaking, but I'd never been penetrated by anything bigger than one of my own fingers. Suddenly, his cock was prodding at the right spot. He applied pressure and stretched my cunt to let himself in. Slowly his enormous tool sank into me.
"'Oooooo,' I cried out, though I'm not sure if it was pleasure or pain I felt at first. More than anything, I was aware of the sensation of being filled to the brim. My slight body seemed to be nothing more than a thin sheath around his cock. That's how big it felt.
"My eyes were squeezed shut as he began to pump up and down, sliding his prick in and out and jostling my whole body as he did so. I was suddenly still. For just an instant, I was aware of what was happening. I was having intercourse, getting 'fucked,' and the man wasn't my husband or boyfriend but my foster father. It wasn't just a dream; it was really happening to me! I recoiled in horror, but the slow, sensuous rhythm of his cock invading me again and again numbed my mind, dimming everything but the strange new sensations that rose in my body and overwhelmed me. I gave way to the mysterious energy that flowed through my body. Soon I'd put my arms around him, pulling him even closer to me.
"He humped me slowly at first, then gradually increased his speed. I didn't move with him, but I was moving. I simply couldn't lie still. My hips sprang upward and swiveled beneath his powerful strokes. He drove his tool into me with more and more force, whipping it in and out so fiercely that I thought it would rip me to pieces. The softness of my body yielded completely and sometimes my pussy seemed to be sucking his cock into it. I really hadn't known I was capable of such things.
"How unbelievable it was, me lying there all soft and warm and wiggling, while Jess prodded that huge prick of his into me again and again, faster and faster. My body was like a raging fire with flames that leapt out from my pussy and heat that spread to every part of me. He was so beastly, so cruel as he rode me without caring what happened to me, and yet, for reasons beyond my understanding, I liked what he was doing to me.
"There was a slurp, slurp as his cock pushed into my wet cunt. Puddles of sweat seemed to glue our bodies together. There were unfamiliar smells, even the smell of our sweat was different. Nothing was like the real world where things are clean, cold and shiny. This was warm and soft and spicy, like maybe an opium dream.
"My sensations began to overtake me. I lost myself to the strange thrill of it all. Nothing mattered but what I felt deep inside me. I clung to Jess and my pussy rose toward him. I wanted more and more of him.
"At last he was moving so rapidly it was like the vibrations of an engine. His breath had turned to low, quick gasps as he prodded me with short, fast strokes. I felt myself growing softer and softer, warmer and warmer. His damp shoulder over my face cut off the air, and I was sure I was going to faint.
"Finally, I seemed to turn to jelly. Ripples of pleasure started in my cunt and spread through me. It was like music or maybe like an explosion, I don't know. I lost control of my body which jerked and bucked all on its own accord. I just let it happen. Again and again the waves of sensation hit me.
"All this time, of course, Jess was fucking me furiously. I was surprised, though, when he halted suddenly with no warning. Only moments later, when he pulled out his huge cock and I felt the gobs of liquid that trailed from it, did I realize that he'd come.
"It was over and I lay there whimpering. Jess picked up his clothes and left. I felt so alone. I've always been alone, of course, but never quite so alone as at that moment. One instant he was holding me to him, his beautifully big cock deep inside me, and the next minute, nothing. My body still heaved and trembled. The heaving soon turned to sobs.
"I could have screamed 'rape,' I suppose, but the thought didn't occur to me. I'd been part of it, Jess hadn't forced me, not all the way. I'd given in. I'd wanted it.
"Days passed and I longed for Kate to go away so Jess could make love to me again. Funny, I thought things would change, that Jess might start treating me differently, but he became rather distant after that night. He didn't make little jokes for my benefit or talk to me at the table anymore. I figured, though, that he was putting on a front for Kate so she wouldn't guess what had happened between us.
"I'd go to my room alone, try to focus on my homework and end up flopping on the bed, my body seething with desire which I thought only Jess could satisfy. I longed for him, ached for him. I didn't dare touch my pussy-it was so hot.
"At last we were alone again. I got undressed and lay nude between the sheets waiting for him. Time passed and he didn't come. Finally, I threw on a robe and went to the living room where he was watching TV.
"'What you doin' up?' he asked.
"'Just thought you might like some company,' I said.
"'Well, you better go back to bed,' he told me sternly.
"'Jess ... ' I began and I almost started to stutter. 'Couldn't it be like, you know, two weeks ago, when Kate was out? You remember, don't you?'
"He looked at me and I could see both hatred and passion in his eyes. He hadn't wanted me to bring that up.
"'Barb, whatever you think happened, you just imagined. You hear? It wasn't real. You dreamed it up. You dreamed the whole thing."
"I couldn't believe my ears. 'It did happen, Jess, I know it did!' I protested.
"'It didn't. Now, go to bed,' he yelled.
"I don't know why I let this confuse me, but I began to wonder whether I was sane. Now and then, I'd put things together and admit that it was real. Jess, of course, was trying to protect himself by pretending that it wasn't. But I needed some protection, too, so I'd tell myself that it wasn't real and that I was going mad. It was easier to think of myself as insane than admitting that I'd allowed this to happen.
"To make matters worse, I went to the counselor at school. When I told her I thought I was losing my mind, she kept asking why until I finally told her what there'd been between Jess and me. Then she, too, told me that I must have imagined it. I walked out of her office, deciding that it was best to let her think that."
The libidinous thoughts which Barbara expressed throughout the interviews, though vivid, detailed and extremely convincing, actually spring from a well of autoerotic fantasy. The case is unusual in that the subject is remarkably skillful in combining the real facts, such as her pregnancy, with her rich dream and imaginary worlds.
In other respects, the case is not unusual. In fact, cases such as Barbara's have been the cornerstone of psychiatric research from the earliest days. Indeed, Freud discovered around 1900 that some of the traumatic childhood experiences described by patients were actually fantasies. These discoveries opened a new field of psychiatric study, pertaining to early development of the child.
Freud wanted to find out why patients so frequently fantasized explicit scenes of sexual seduction, and it was through this research that he evolved his theory of the sexual development of man.
Perhaps there is no better intrepretation of the Freudian concept of childhood sexuality than Dr. Clara Thomson's Psycho-analysis. In this work, she describes how Freud was able to develop his theory of the Oedipus complex through the examination of fantasy.
As Freud observed through dream interpretation and the recollections of neurotics similar to the one in this case, the Oedipus complex manifested itself at a certain age when the child becomes sexually interested in the parent of the opposite sex, developing a feeling of rivalry and a wish to displace the parent of the same sex. Dr. Thomson elaborates further on the Freudian concept:
The problematical aspect of the Oedipus complex was thought to be due to the following. The boy child, for example, soon learns that sexual interest in the mother is taboo. Also, because of his erotic interest in his mother he feels hostile to his father, whom he considers a rival. But he loves his father at the same time, and this makes hostile feelings toward him a source of distress. Also, because of his hostile feelings for his mother he expects punishment, and the punishment which fits the crime is castration. Something similar happens to the little girl with the father as the center of erotic interest, but in her case the fear of castration plays little part in the conflict because she has no penis to lose. This early sexual interest in the parents, Freud believed, was the source of the adult neurotic fantasies "of seduction in childhood. The fantasies were the expression of a wish to have their "Oedipus" interests gratified without guilt.
This seems to describe the feminine oedipal component in Barbara's case. Unable to have actual sexual relations with the closest father figure, in this instance Jeff, the subject has created a safe, though neurotic fantasy life. However, this is not to say that her descriptions of sexual relations are totally contrived. She has had intercourse numerous times with older boys, and some have volunteered information regarding this case. Their feelings, generally, were that Barbara is sexually "hung-up," and often dependent. One of the boys described her as "a nymph." These latter interviews indicate that Barbara is attempting to act out her symbolic need for a father's love.
In this Freudian interpretation of Barbara's guilt motivated fantasies, we cannot fail to point out the subject's preoccupation with both oral and anal eroticism. Freud noted that three orifices of the body, the mouth, the anus and genitals, were the earliest sources of sexual pleasure for the child. Later this stage was divided into two primary parts characterized by sucking pleasure and, at a subsequent stage, biting. A close examination of Barbara's autoerotic fantasies indicate a strong fixation with this infantile form of satisfaction. Of special interest is her fascination with the imagined approaches to her anal region made by her foster father.
At this point, it is important to note that the sexual assaults described by the subject could not have occurred in "real life" because the foster father in this particular case history has been impotent for a number of years. This impotency, resulting from a war injury, has been a constant source of unresolved tensions with his wife, Kate. In fact, it was their inability to conceive children of their own, not a revenge motive as Barbara intimated, which prompted the couple to apply for an adopted child.
"'Suck it, ya little bitch. Curl your lips around your tongue and take it in your mouth and suck it dry.' It was Jess.
"Kate had gone to her sister's and Jess hadn't been able to stay away from me. He'd waited, though, till I'd gone to sleep, then he woke me up by playing with my pussy under the covers.
"At first I thought I was dreaming. I felt the pleasant touch of his fingers against my clitoris, rubbing it back and forth and around and around. The warmth spread and I opened my legs, only to have his fingers dive into my cunt.
"I opened my eyes at last and by the light of the little lamp by my bed, I could see that it was Jess, grinning in his cool way at me. He was stark naked and beautiful in the dim light, the hair on his chest all dark and soft-looking.
"I was infinitely happy that he'd come to me again, and I was ready to comply with whatever his wishes might be.
"'Suck my cock,' he said again, standing up. It was erect and pointing straight at me.
"I hadn't the slightest notion of what he was talking about. You see, oral sex wasn't something they mentioned in classes on reproduction, and I'd been shielded from sex books and marriage manuals.
"'C'mon. Don't tell me a hot little bitch like you doesn't know how to suck cock. Do it for Jess. Do it now."
"Since he pointed his prick at my mouth, I knew more or less what he wanted. I took it in my mouth but the sharp edges of my teeth grazed the tender flesh too roughly. He cried out, then he was telling me and showing me what to do.
"At first I thought I'd gag. I was scared of it and yet I didn't dare let go, even for an instant. I sat up in bed and his hands were under my head while he knelt in front of me on his knees. That way he could make my head bounce back and forth, but he also could plunge his cock deeply into my mouth. Each time it went in a little further than before.
"This must be one of the worst things in sex, I thought, that's why people don't talk about it. I'd heard the word perversion and I knew that people sometimes did really strange things. I wondered if he'd piss in my mouth or something. He wouldn't care; he'd do that sort of thing. But I didn't realize that at this moment he wasn't capable of pissing.
"In and out, in and out, he jerked it. I wasn't really sucking, I was just providing a hole for his cock. I felt hurt and humiliated. After all, he'd wakened me by caressing my cunt and now I had to do this awful thing. While it was going on, though, I couldn't help but be impressed by the power and masculine strength of that cock. It seemed even bigger now than when it had been in my pussy. It was huge, and keeping my mouth wide enough was a strain. My throat hurt and tears welled in my eyes. He either didn't see my tears or he didn't care. I didn't want to see his face.
"Then he held my head perfectly still and whipped it in and out with lightning speed. My jaws were paralyzed. I thought my neck would break. My God, he was fucking me in the mouth and he was going to finish that way, too, I was sure of it. I recognized the intensity of his motions, like what he did when he had his prick deep inside my cunt. Only now he wasn't sending any delightful sensations through me, just making me more and more frightened. For all I knew, this could kill me.
"It wasn't long, though, before one strangling thrust let me know that he was coming. He sighed loudly and at the same time the salty liquid shot into my mouth, filling it and overflowing at the corners. And then he was pulling his prick out. I held his stuff in my mouth, not knowing what to do.
"'Swallow, damn you, swallow it. Won't hurt you,' he said.
"I gulped and swallowed a couple of times. It was thick and sticky, and I had a hard time getting it down. It had a delicate taste, though, that I soon came to like.
"'Now you're a woman,' he said. 'A girl spits it out but a woman swallows it."
"That pleased me. I put my arms around him, cuddling my head against his thighs. He stroked my hair. He seemed to be grateful and he wasn't going to turn and leave me right away. That was something, at least, although I had no idea of what he meant to do next.
"He pushed me away just a little, then bent me backwards on the bed. Carefully he lifted my nightgown up over my head without making a tear or popping any buttons. The last nightgown I'd had to throw out and Kate had spent days looking for it.
"I lay before him, my plump breasts pointing toward the ceiling. I was hot, but I didn't know if he intended to do anything about it. After all, he'd got what he wanted.
"He began running his hands over my tits, not as roughly as before, but not tenderly either. He wasn't capable of sex without a bit of brutality, that's just the kind of guy he was.
"Then his hands traveled downward, over my taut belly, closer and closer to the tiny triangle of kinky hair. He ran his fingers through it, then opened my thighs. With the fingertips of one hand, he grazed my clitoris, the way he'd done as I was waking. I trembled with delight, hoping that he'd do more than just tease me. My cunt was as wet as it was hot so he'd know that I wanted it-really wanted it.
"My eyes met his for a brief instant. There was still that look of cruelty, but there was more. I knew he liked my body, that I turned him on and now he was looking at me as though he wanted to try something and wasn't quite sure about it.
"He sprawled out on the bed, his head between my knees. He was looking straight at my cunt and fingering it at the same time, exploring its hills and valleys with his fingertips. I wanted more and I wanted it so badly I could almost beg for it. He knew, of course, he knew, and he wanted to let me suffer, waiting for more and not getting quite enough. He knew how to make me so hot I could hardly stand it.
"His fingers rubbed along my clitoris for an endless time, then circled round it, teasingly, torturously, and finally he prodded two fingers into my cunt. He left them inside only an instant, then withdrew them, teasing me some more. My pussy was shaking, and he was able to see it as well as feel it, and probably smell the juices that flowed freely from my hungry cunt.
"I looked at him eyeing my pussy and licking his lips. Slowly he brought his head in closer and closer until his mouth and nose almost touched my cunt. I could hardly believe it. He was going to do to me what I'd done to himgive me sex with his mouth. I learned a lot that night.
"He was hesitant, as though not quite sure if he wanted to do it. Maybe he hadn't done it before. It was pretty hard to imagine him with Kate like this, but it was hard to imagine them in bed together anyway.
"Finally, he drew out his tongue and ran the very tip of it over my clitoris. His tongue was wet and slick and so was my clit. The two surfaces seemed to melt together. My hips bucked automatically and without even meaning to do so, I thrust my cunt into his face.
"This brought out the fury in him. He began chomping on my cunt with his teeth and lapping his tongue against me greedily. It didn't hurt me, though, not this time. I believe he wanted me to enjoy it, and I think he really liked doing it. He went at my juicy cunt like a hungry animal, gnawing at the slick, tender flesh mercilessly, all the while making crude, beast-like groans deep in his throat.
"The pleasure I felt was strange and wild, as though I were in the grips of some very dangerous, not quite human creature. I'd had no idea that lovemaking could be like this.
"One instant I'd feel the sharpness of his teeth and prickly beard, which sent little shocks like bolts of electricity through me. The next instant, I would be soothed and swooning at the soft touch of his lips and tongue. My clit was hard and bulging, though he was able to crush it down to the size of a button. For now, he ignored the hole, except for letting his rough chin brush against it. My juices oozed out his face and I trembled helplessly.
"He was torturing me and he knew it. What's more he enjoyed my agony. I was so close to coming, but not quite there. I didn't know what would make me come, but he did and he wasn't about to give it to me just yet.
"I felt the tugging of his hands under my buttocks as he cupped the firm flesh, then began to control slow, circular movements of the lower part of my body. He was grinding my cunt against his face, his teeth, his tongue. His nose now pushed against my clit as his tongue swept vigorously lower down, closer and closer to my slit. I waited breathlessly. I wanted my cunt to be filled. Even his tongue would do, but he denied me that for several more moments.
"He took one of his hands from under me and moistened his fingertips in the pools of liquid that lined my cunt, while being careful to avoid my eager hole. Downward his fingers traveled, past my slit and toward my ass. Oh, no, not my ass, I thought, that's too much. I didn't expect to like it, but as his fingers pried open this part of me, I was amazed at how much like my cunt it felt.
"Slowly he sank his forefinger in. Then another finger joined it, stretching and invading me, deeper and deeper.
"I felt a low scream rise and catch in my throat. My breathing turned to harsh panting and my cunt shook uncontrollably. I was trying to imagine his huge cock in my cunt, trying to pretend it was there now, when he curled his tongue, making the tip of it hard and pointed, and with this he dived frantically in and out of my cunt-hole. His fingers wiggled in my ass while his nose massaged my clit. The sensations were now coming from everywhere.
"I felt a sudden sharpness, I'm not sure where. Then suddenly, without warning, my pussy seemed to pucker and close up only to open again. Quivering and moaning, I let myself rise and fall in convulsions I could not control. Tremors shot through me with earthquake violence. The intensity of it seemed to subside, but it returned, more overwhelming than ever.
"At last the scream I'd held in my throat surfaced. 'Ooooo,' I yelled, not caring who heard me.
"Slowly his fingers retreated from my ass. He lapped at my quivering cunt a few more times with his tongue, then drew his face away. I finally opened my eyes.
"He grinned at me, then he broke into a laugh, a coarse, cruel laugh.
"'You got what you wanted, didn't you?' he gloated. 'Little bitch so hot for old Jess you can hardly stand it. Yeah, you got just what you had in mind, didn't you?'
"I lay there, still shaking weakly and said nothing. I wished that he could have been, well, more delicate.
"'Answer me, whore!' he yelled. 'That was what you wanted, wasn't it?'
"'Yes,' I said in a small voice.
"Then he chuckled. Even when he was mean like this, he was incredibly handsome. I forgave him for being cruel to me. It was just his way of doing things, I rationalized. He didn't know how to be any different. I didn't know how far that mean streak ran, though.
"'Let's play a little more tonight, since you're so hot for it,' he said. 'Suck me. Get me hard again."
"Without protesting, I lifted my still dizzy head from the pillow. His cock, I could see, had shrunken and lay limp. I took it between my hands where it stayed soft and pliable. I'd never seen it like that before and it was difficult to believe how much it was capable of changing.
"I lowered my mouth over it and extended my tongue to lick it. Under my touch, it began to grow larger. I swept my tongue over it a few more times then drew it into my mouth. There it rapidly swelled to the size I'd remembered it. I was about to stop, but he caught my head and wouldn't let me move away. I guess he wanted to make sure it would stay hard. He controlled the motions of my head with his hands, making me bob up and down as my lips gently grazed the loose outer layer of skin.
"'You want old Jess to fuck you, don't you, Barby girl?' he said.
"I was about to move to answer him, but he kept me where I was for a few more instants. Then, he jerked away and threw me over, face down on the bed and propped up my ass. I thought for a minute this was what he was aiming for, but he spread the lips of my pussy and prodded his huge prick at my cunt until it found the right direction and went in.
"I gave a little howl as he pierced me with that enormous instrument. Hot as I was and dripping wet, too, my cunt was still tight and inexperienced. His cock jabbed into me like a sharp knife.
"Once in me, he encircled my thighs with his arms and brought his fingers to rest near my clit. Then as he ploughed his cock into me, he moved his hands over the outer part of my pussy, jostling my clitoris.
"His motions were slow at first, though not really gentle. Jess was never gentle, only teasing. I soon got over being tired from the last time, and before I knew it, I was hot, my body all atingle. It was hard to believe the things this mean man could do to me. His prick filled me beautifully. Coming in from the rear like that made it seem even bigger. It really crushed the walls of my cunt
"He knew I was hot for it and began to pump me harder and faster, each stroke of his cock cruel and jabbing. I reached for something to hang onto and found the pillow, which I gripped desperately with my hands. I was dizzy and gasping for breath. My cunt felt as though it would be ripped apart or turned inside out from the violence of his fucking. The sensations were so sharp they were like pain, but I wouldn't have wanted him to go away for anything. I wanted him right there, churning away at my cunt from behind.
"His hands moved faster now, too, almost making my clit vibrate without really touching it, just moving it from the sides. Together we shook and swayed. I gave way to little groans, all the while holding the pillow tightly.
"His violence soon overtook me. He moved my body in rhythm with his and I was no longer sure whether the motions originated with him or deep inside me somewhere. Very slowly, I rose to a new peak of sensation. I let him carry me higher and higher until there was nowhere left to go. My body seemed to explode everywhere at once. I rocked and bolted against him, but he held me firmly and kept thrusting his cock into me. With every stroke, my pussy seemed to grab at his cock, but it darted away.
"I was whimpering and squealing as he finally blasted it into me. This was it, the one thrust that finished everything for him. But my pussy kept tugging at his cock which he held deep inside me for several moments.
"He pulled it out at last and gave me a slap on the ass.
"'Didn't want me to pull it out, huh?' he said, sensing the emptiness that I felt as I flopped down on the bed, still shaking and panting. 'Wanted old Jess's cock way inside, yeah, that's what you wanted."
"He often talked like that, sort of talking to himself, making me embarrassed and congratulating himself on what a good job he'd done. Well, he did do a good job, but I shouldn't have settled for anything so cold and cruel. I might have known that he'd betray me in the end.
"When I missed my period, I went to him and told him, saying that I thought I was pregnant and he'd better help me do something about it. I wanted an abortion. I didn't want to have a child who would end up living a life like mine, first in an orphanage and then in a foster home. It was an awful way to grow up and I realized it even then.
"At the news that I was pregnant, Jess put on his dumb act again, pretending that I'd imagined his coming to me in the night. In fact, he balled me out for messing around with the boys at school and told me he knew I was no good, that I'd have to go back to the orphanage.
"Jess was crazy, not me, I told myself. But not even that stopped me from letting him wake me and start making love to me a few nights later.
"He'd removed my nightgown and moistened my cunt with his lips, bringing me almost to a climax before he mounted me from above, sinking his big cock deep into me.
"Up and down we moved together. I spread my legs wide apart, then slung them around his back. He pumped me harder and faster, and with every stroke I gave out little moans of pleasure.
"Vaguely, somewhere in the house, I thought I heard a noise. Jess hadn't heard it though, for he kept fucking me furiously, totally involved with what he was doing. I figured it was nothing more than the floors creaking.
"Suddenly, though, the overhead light came on and Kate was standing over us. She began to take things from my desk and throw them at us, calling me a 'whore' several times, but it was Jess she hit squarely on the head with a book.
"I cringed and Jess pulled away. I hadn't known until then how awfully scared of Kate he was. He no longer looked strong and masculine. He looked meek and sheepish. " 'It's all her fault,' he said to Kate, looking down at me accusingly.
"'Of course, it's her fault,' Kate echoed.
"I started to cry. Then I remembered my suspicions about being pregnant.
"'I'm going to have Jess's baby,' I said.
"'So that's why you trapped him,' Kate yelled, 'so you could blame him. Well, you can start packing. I reckon they'll beat your hide when they get you back where you came from. Serves you right, too."
"I suppose Kate and Jess went on as before. I went back to the orphanage and had the baby, a little boy, and he's still there. They wouldn't let me be with him much, because they were afraid I'd get attached to him.
"The social workers believed Kate and Jess, who said I'd been running around with boys at school. I didn't bother to try to set them straight. For weeks I was in a horrible depression and even now it comes back. I can't think of myself as a normal young woman and picture ever having a good life for myself. And when I feel really bad, I tell myself, the way Jess told me, that it was all a dream, all something I imagined. Sometimes I actually believe that, too."
As is so often the case in studying deviant behavior, we can trace the origin of the disturbance to guilt formed by the neurotic response to the incest-taboo. In The Basic Writings of Sigmund Freud, the author comments:
The incest barrier probably belongs to the historical acquisitions of humanity and, like other moral taboos, it must be fixed in many individuals through organic heredity. Psychoanalytic studies show, however, how intensively the individual struggles with the incest temptations during his development and how frequently he puts them into fantasies and even into reality.
Thus, in a sense, through her fantasies and sexual promiscuity, Barbara continues to struggle with the problems which arose in early childhood.
Significantly, however, this case history does not point to a permanent fixation. During more recent conversations, the subject appears to be making a partial breakthrough in the area of self knowledge. Although still unwilling to acknowledge that the events she described to the interviewers are part of her fantasy world, she is at least beginning to incorporate the possibility that she "imagines" a great deal. With continued therapy, this father fixation need not continue into adult life.