Chapter 1
Come Dream With Me
"Once, when I was a very little girl, I saw a picture of a slave market. Only the slave girls weren't captured princesses dressed in beautiful silks, their heads held high as Clark Gable bid against some rich sultan for them; these slave girls were mostly children wearing rags, with their eyes full of hunger and fear. It killed the Sunday morning movies on TV for me for a long time. A full five years passed before I experienced eyes like that, and when I did, they were my own.
"Actually, I'd glanced into the cracked hall mirror to avoid looking directly at our neighbor's frowning face as she spoke sharply into the telephone. I was too ashamed and frightened to face her or anyone just then. Too much had happened in too short a time.
"For the most part, a child's world is a fairly limited and vastly isolated existence, especially in this country where parents usually spend so much time 'protecting' the children from reality. As long as the child is fed, clothed, treated reasonably and shown a touch of tenderness from time to time, most kids center in on their small upsets and desires, oblivious to everything else.
"I was no different until my eleventh birthday. Until then, all I really wanted was a dog to play with and to pretend we lived someplace where there were trees instead of billboards. The only serious problem I had was my two brothers, one ten and the other nine. Both, I felt, were put on earth for the sole purpose of annoying me. Then Mom died in an automobile accident, and with her went my solid, secure universe. I guessed she'd actually been out getting me a birthday gift or picking up a few things for the party we were to have the next day.
"I don't know when Dad found out she was actually out with some other man. Because, once she was gone, we were forbidden to speak of her. There was a very decent funeral attended by a handful of friends and relatives. Then, after everyone had gone, Dad took the three of us to the grave while the workers unceremoniously shoveled in black earth. His mouth was a thin, white line when he finally spoke. I know I'll never live long enough to forget his words.
"'This is your mother,' he began. 'Women are no damn good! Your mother was no damn good! I don't ever want to hear any of you mention her again! Ever!' His cold, tearless eyes moved over us, remaining longest on me. In that moment I wished I had the courage to throw myself into the rapidly filling black pit and be done with it. Because I knew as surely as I knew I loved my mother that I was going to be a woman one day soon, and 'women were no damn good."
"From that day on, I did try-I really did. I attempted to take care of the boys, to keep the house in some kind of order, to fix meals, even to cheer up Dad as he sourly moved about the house. Inside me was the need to keep as much of my universe intact as I could, but the fight was lost before it began. Dad took to staying out more and more, the house and the three of us kids were becoming more and more disorganized until finally, one night, Dad didn't come home at all.
"The neighbor, Mrs. L-, found the note under her door the next morning. 'Have Susan call her aunt Helen about finding a place to stay. I'm not coming home anymore.' It wasn't even signed. One look at my terrified eyes and pinched white features and Mrs. L-decided to make the phone call herself. She was angry, and even her anger accentuated my great sense of shame. It was all my fault. Somehow I had messed everything up. I had failed miserably. First Mother, who might have been safely at home if it hadn't been for my greedy demands for a present and a party; then Dad, an even greater loss in a way, because I'd put all I had into making him comfortable and happy, and still had driven him away. Now I stared into the mirror at my eyes while the neighbor talked with an aunt whom I barely knew.
"'I'd take them in myself, if I didn't already have six of my own!' Mrs. L-emphasized on the phone. 'Either you get that family of yours together and decide what to do with these half-starved kids, or I go to the police! What? Yes, I can put them in a cab and have them at your house in an hour."
"The following days were filled with emotion and strangeness. Urgent calls were sent out across the country as Aunt Helen hustled like crazy trying to get us homes so she wouldn't mess up her plans to leave for Europe the next week. Finally, answers began dwindling in. Two distant relatives would take my youngest brother. Six, all of them farmers with more daughters than sons, were eager for the biggest boy. But no one wanted a half-grown city girl who couldn't contribute much but an appetite and a need to be dressed and cared for. I watched the last of my life leave me-first little Ray, then Greg. I tried not to cry and to be very unobtrusive as Aunt Helen stomped around the house in silent rage, convinced that she was very likely to get saddled with me. I wasn't all that surprised to find that no one wanted me, but I would have gone happily off with the devil himself if only to be out of Aunt Helen's graying hair.
"Then came the call from California and Uncle Merle. It was simple and to the point: Uncle Merle's ancient mother had passed away recently, and if 'the girl' was able to look after herself and cook a meal now and then, she could come live in the big old family home, if no one else would have her.
"I'd never even heard of an old Uncle Merle from California, who was actually my mother's uncle, but it wouldn't have mattered. I wasn't consulted about my future anyway. Aunt Helen was delighted. T visited there once when I was a little kid. It's a great big house and Uncle Merle kept sneaking candy into my dress pocket. I'm to send you out there on a plane, but first we have to get you some decent clothing. Uncle Merle's sending the money right away. The old boy must be pretty lonely to want to bother raising a kid at this point of his life. He must be near sixty now.' Aunt Helen was a little more relaxed now that she knew I'd soon be out of her life.
"We shopped the next day, then packed, and the next thing I knew I was on a plane headed for California, with Aunt Helen's words still ringing in my ears. 'Now remember, Susan, Uncle Merle is the only one in the family who would have you. You be good to him or you'll be out on the streets, hear? You'll have no one to blame but yourself if you end up in one of those orphan places. Now behave yourself."
"Her words did little to calm me down before my first meeting with this uncle of mine. I went into the little bathroom on the plane and looked hard at myself. What I saw encouraged me a little. The new outfit made me look a little older, and, out of sheer nervousness, I'd brushed my brown hair so much in the past few days it shined like glass. I wasn't even twelve, but my young, lean body was already beginning to curve in the right places. I wanted desperately for this old man, who held my life in his hands, to like me.
"He was waiting at the gate and spotted me immediately. 'I bet you're my little niece, Susan!'
"I looked up at the graying man, somewhat surprised at his appearance. I'd visualized an old, stooped man, but Uncle Merle turned out to be tall and slim, with tanned features-handsome, you might say in a dignified way. Sort of like some of those movie stars you see. The ones you know are old enough to be your grandfather but just don't hit you that way at all! Uncle Merle dressed much younger and he smelled of some expensive scent I liked very much. My heart was thudding away like mad as I nodded. If only he liked me.
"We ate lunch at the airport, watching the planes take off and land. It was an easy way to get to know each other a little. There really wasn't all that much to say to each other at first, so Uncle Merle invented a game for us to play.
"'Come dream with me,' he said, smiling as he picked at his salad. 'Where are all these people going? Where have they come from? An airport is an open doorway to all the world. That girl over there, the one with the baby. Where do you think they are off to?'
"I opened up haltingly as my imagination was tickled by the game, and together we guessed about people while we packed away a huge lunch. I was giggling like a little girl by the time Uncle Merle paid the check and steered me towards his car. He put a warm hand on my shoulder as we walked, and I felt a funny thrill pass through my body.
"Uncle Merle had a nice but oldish car, and I was too busy sneaking my first peeks at California to be more than dimly aware that I was being observed carefully by my new guardian. We drove to San Bernardino and finally stopped before a large, weathered but still lovely old house in the middle of a rather run-down neighborhood. I fell in love with the house at once, and with my big old-fashioned room. I especially adored the gigantic bed with a real canopy top! After Uncle Merle left me to put away my belongings, I sat down on the bed and hugged myself. I actually had a home! And what a home!
"Uncle Merle had some business to take care of until evening. He told me to stay home until he returned, to write down any phone messages. Planting a kiss on my forehead, he left and I was all alone.
"I spent a wonderful day in the house, exploring, bathing, watching TV-color at that-and nibbling on all kinds of delicious food in the kitchen. The house was very clean, but I did find a few dishes to do. Then, when it began to get dark, I thought I'd better get dressed in a clean outfit so I'd look nice for my uncle.
"He came home while I was still undressed, and I quickly slipped on a dress. He'd brought a bag full of steaming Chinese food, and the gathering of plates covered over any shyness we might have felt over being together again.
"Uncle Merle asked me to get ready for bed and then come to his study for a little talk after we'd tidied up the kitchen together. Happily I put on one of my new flannel nightgowns and a robe, taking great pains to put all my other things away properly. If I did the least thing wrong and Uncle Merle made me leave, well.... The thought of it was so awful, I pushed it aside at once.
"The 'little talk' was fairly confusing, but to the point. There were certain things expected of me, and the sooner we understood them, the better. For reasons I didn't understand, the neighborhood had fallen apart in the last years, and was beginning to overrun with 'inferior' types of people, not the sort of people 'we' socialized with. So Uncle Merle didn't want me to have anything to do with the local children. However, I might meet a few in the junior high school who would do, but Uncle would have to approve of them first. All of that meant very little to me, but if Uncle Merle didn't want me to pal around with the local kids, that was okay with me. I'd never gotten along with most kids my own age, anyway. I'd always been too shy, and too busy helping with my brothers.
"I was also expected to help around the house and be absolutely obedient. Uncle Merle explained he was not used to having children in the house, and the only reason he decided to take me in at all was because he'd been assured I'd be very, very obedient. I agreed eagerly. A thin net of perspiration began to break out on my forehead at the thought of letting this man down and having to leave this house. The world outside seemed big, very cold and threatening all of a sudden.
"Then he smiled, and our serious talk was over. We chatted about school and hobbies, and finally, about boys. I blushed all over when Uncle Merle asked me if I'd ever let a boy kiss me.
"I admitted shyly that once, after school, on the path behind the playground, one of the bigger boys had grabbed me. He'd forced his mouth to mine and done some other things, too-but I only told Uncle Merle about the kissing part.
"Actually, it had happened only a month earlier, and the whole thing was still vivid in my mind. I'd known that Jimmy F-was spending a lot of time lately looking at me, but I really didn't know why. Then he'd offered to walk me home. He was nearly fifteen, but he hung around the junior high a lot although he was a freshman. I just shrugged when he suggested walking me home. I'd had to stay after school to catch up on some work and it was pretty late.
"We walked in silence until we came to the path. Then Jimmy stopped me and told me to kiss him. I didn't even have a chance to refuse when he grabbed me. I lost my balance and we fell to the soft earth, Jimmy on top of me. His mouth closed over mine, and all of a sudden he was trying to dig into my mouth with his tongue. It was a funny sensation which I wasn't sure I liked. But a peculiar warmth spilled through my body as he kept kissing me and forcing his tongue on me.
"Once in a while, late at night in my bed when I couldn't sleep, I'd felt little tingly sensations pass through my limbs, causing my tiny, undeveloped nipples to tense. Sometimes, I'd sneak a hand to my little pussy and rub it, because that seemed to be where all the strange feeling was coming from. Usually, I'd force myself to roll over and go to sleep. Once in a while the whole thing would feel so nice and warm I'd continue playing with myself, and one time I even got so excited I pushed a finger into the juicy little pit down there. Now, with Jimmy's mouth on mine, his tongue lapping at my tongue, his heavy body stretched out alongside mine, I was once again feeling the way I had the night I'd poked a hot finger up my own slit.
"Jimmy began to move his hands over me, over the hint of fullness encircling my small nipples. It felt so good it left me confused and more than a little afraid. I knew we shouldn't be doing this, but at that moment I couldn't imagine why not. That made me all the more frightened, so I tried to make Jimmy stop, but he was like an animal, all hot and worked up beyond hearing me. Then I felt his fingers on my legs, moving rapidly upwards between them.
"'Just let me touch you, Susan,' he moaned. A peculiar hardness pressed against my thigh as his hands moved higher. Then he was touching my panties and a hand was slithering under the band of lace around my thigh. I tried to stop him, I really did, but I couldn't. Before I could do anything he was rubbing my hairless pussy, prying it open with his rough hand. I cried out, but that didn't stop him from digging into me with his finger. It was a lot bigger than my own, but instead of pain all I felt was a staggering shock of hot pleasure as his finger forced its way up my wet, hot virgin hole.
"I don't know how long he continued playing with me like that, but I wasn't fighting so much anymore by the time he stopped.
"'Look what you do to me. Susan. You're not like those other girls. They're babies. Look at what you do to me,' he repeated, unzipping his fly-
"I reacted instantly to the sound of his zipper opening. Looking down, I watched him pull out and hold his long, thin cock, only it looked different than my brother's looked. This one was very stiff, and the end was dark and had a drop of something on it. I really did try to fight Jimmy off when he forced me to take it into my hand. But once again he was too strong.
"He placed my fingers around it and began moving slowly back and forth. It felt strange, all hard and poundingly alive-more alive, somehow, than the boy himself. The drop at the end was gooey and warm. Then Jimmy began kissing me again and suddenly I didn't mind holding his prick. In fact, I began to move it on my own, and at once Jimmy's hand returned to my cunt.
"I know it was only a minute after that-but it was forever as far as I was concerned-he kissed me kind of fast, his tongue licking mine; my hand was working on his dick like we were in some kind of race. I don't know where I was-in some cloud somewhere, but all of a sudden Jimmy began to pant against my mouth. Then he sort of doubled over and shuddered, as if he had a really bad cold, and my hand was abruptly bathed in two quick spurts of thick cream. Much of what I'd heard from other girls or read in forbidden books suddenly made sense-Jimmy had come, he'd shot his sperm into my hand, and I was as much fascinated as repelled by what had just happened.
"He released me then, pulling his finger from my shameless hole which had welcomed it minutes before. I jumped to my feet instantly, ashamed and frightened. I grabbed a handful of leaves and wiped my hand, then turned on the boy with an anger I didn't quite feel. I told him my father would kill him if he ever touched me again, that I'd go to the school, the police, his parents, everyone, if he told anyone what we had just done. I really think I scared him.
"I took a hot bath as soon as I got home, but deep inside I still felt frightened. I knew what we had just done was terrible, yet I also suspected that part of the reason I was so upset was because we had stopped, not because of what we were doing. I hadn't ever wanted that nice feeling to go away, and in the bath I rubbed that part of my young body with special vehemence, as if to punish it for enjoying what had happened.
"I must have done a good job of convincing Jimmy that his life was over if he ever came near me again, because after that one incident, he kept his distance. But I'd thought of it more than once, and each time I worried a little less and concentrated instead on how wonderful it had felt.
"But I carefully told Uncle Merle only about the kissing part. Even as I talked, I experienced the same body hunger as when Jimmy had run his hands up my thighs. If Uncle Merle had any idea of how I'd acted, how much I'd liked what we'd done that day....Dad had been right. Women were no damned good. Somehow I had to keep Uncle Merle from finding out I was almost a woman.
"He was studying my face when I looked up after relating my altered story of how Jimmy had forced me to kiss him and how I hadn't liked it. His blue eyes seemed unusually bright and his smile was a little tired.
"'Poor little innocent,' he said finally, softly. He sat back in his big leather armchair. 'Poor frightened child. Here, come to your old uncle. Come sit on my lap, my sweet. Come dream with me, and I'll tell you about pretty little girls like yourself who like being kissed. Come dream with me, princess ... ' he offered, holding open his arms.
"Still flushed with excitement from thinking about that time with Jimmy, grateful that whatever I'd said somehow seemed to please him, I gladly crawled into the warm, welcoming cave of my uncle's waiting lap."
In the case of Susan, we see a subject who, at least in the early stages of her sexual development, is engrossed with symbolic fantasies resulting from the unhealthy influences of a domineering father. It is significant that Susan's earliest fantasy recollection involves a television program depicting the plight of young girls bought and sold in a slave market. Although the subject chose to interpret this experience as being a prophetic memory, a foreshadowing of her own future situation, it is clear that underlying this incidental recollection is the unconscious attempt to resolve her own incestuous feelings.
Susan clearly saw the relationship of the slave girls to her own situation even to the point of identifying the girls as being really children not unlike herself.
In developing his theory leading to primal therapy, Arthur Janov attempts to clarify the symbolic nature of sex by differentiating the sex act from the more comprehensive relationships involved with the sex experience. The sex experience, according to Dr. Janov, is really the deeper meaning behind the physical motions.
The author of The Primal Scream goes on to relate these factors to the overall sexual development of the individual:
It is the primal hypothesis that when needs are deprived and feelings are blocked early in life, they emerge in symbolic form. In sex this means that the act will be experienced (usually via the fantasy) as fulfilling the need.
Dr. Janov then describes an actual case in which the childhood fantasies are maintained during intercourse. Note the similarity of Susan's father to the one described in this case:
During sex, a woman fantasized being dominated, ordered about, and held against her will. The experience of the act was that of the helpless child, a victim of sex rather than an equal partner. This woman had a brutal and sadistic father who called her a "whore" when she was a young teen-ager. He refused to allow her to date and derided her use of makeup. She denied her want for father's love but during sex re-created herself as a helpless victim (of her father) in order to allow herself to feel anything.
Throughout her childhood, Susan became increasingly aware of the conflict between her mother and father, and, more acutely, her father's sexual frustrations resulting from that conflict. This awareness coincided with her own developing sexual consciousness, which, quite naturally, was directed toward achieving gratification with the father figure.
The environmental situation worsened due to her mother's frequent absences from the household. When it became evident that her mother was conducting extramarital affairs, the door was open for Susan to assume the role of substitute mother for her younger siblings, as well as a more active "wife" role with her father. It is quite possible that this latter role crept into her early sexual fantasies, as indicated somewhat obliquely, by her feelings of shame and fright experienced after the slave girl episode. However, because of her father's brutal feelings toward women in general, Susan was forced to suppress this budding sexual impulse. The death of her mother not only caused further estrangement with her father, but unfortunately deprived her of the one older person in the household capable of giving her the genuine affection she really needed.
Following the trauma caused by her father's abandonment, Susan experienced an initial period of depression and anxiety. However, this brief period of insecurity was more than compensated for by the removal of sexually neurotic influences detrimental to her future development. This heavy paternal conditioning was manifested chiefly in the area of sexual guilt, which Susan experienced in her first heterosexual contact. Had this influence been allowed to continue, it is quite possible her adult sex relations would have had homosexual overtones.
Dr. Frank Caprio considers this type of paternal influence to be one of the major factors contributing to sexual frigidity in women, as well as overt homosexuality. He comments on this in Female Homosexuality:
In latent homosexuality, we find many women who express a disinterest in the opposite sex and are unable to appreciate the fact that this heterosexual block is the result of an unconscious incestuous fixation to their father (Electra complex). This leaves them with the alternative of either resorting to self-gratification as an outlet, the repression of their sexual urges, or the seeking of a homosexual love relationship as a substitute for heterosexuality.
This tendency is clearly demonstrated in Susan's case, first by the initial aversion to her first heterosexual experience, after which she regarded herself, and especially her genitals, as having been made filthy by the contact; and, secondly, by her compulsive need to masturbate immediately afterward.
Susan's Electra complex was transferred to her foster father, Uncle Merle. This new father figure was not only attractive to her physically, but appeared to be free of the neurotic anxieties Susan grew to expect from her biological father. Her uncle did not regard all women as evil creatures, nor was he afraid to openly display his affection. Since Susan was already familiar with the role of wife substitute (though not, as yet, in a sexual capacity), it was predictable that she should find no difficulty in adjusting to her environment, and in fact, welcoming the prospect of serving a "new master." This corresponds to her childhood fantasy of the dashing hero who saves the poor slave girl from the evil sultan.
"It had been years since I'd sat on a man's lap, not since my dad used to hold me long ago, in happier days. I liked it a lot. Instead of talking to me, though, Uncle Merle was silent. I didn't mind. In fact, the long day suddenly took its toll, and I drifted off to a light sleep, aware but comforted by his arms around me. When I awoke it was with a start, as if something unusual had happened.
"'It's all right,' Uncle Merle comforted me.
"That was when I became aware that what had been a soft lap was now a seat of steel. It took me a few minutes to realize the hard rod I felt under my round little ass and aching young slit was my uncle's cock, stiffer, even, than Jimmie's had been. Immediately, I felt ashamed of myself. I had somehow managed to get it hard for him. I hadn't meant to, but somehow I'd done it anyway. The panic died quickly, though, when it seemed Uncle hadn't noticed anything unusual, and he certainly wasn't acting as if anything were wrong.
"I slid from his lap slowly, though, pleading tiredness. He agreed it was time to get to bed. He reached over and kissed me good-night, his hand accidentally slipping around my butt instead of my waist. I kissed him back, my wet mouth touching his dry lips briefly.
"Once more I cursed Jimmy as I got into the strange, big bed. If I wasn't so awed by the immaculate sheets and the fabulous bed, I knew I'd be digging my fingers into my little cunt again. And somehow sitting on my uncle's lap hadn't helped. Bathed in a nice, bubbly heat, I finally slid into a dreamless sleep.
"Time passed quickly. I attended the nearby school, formed no friendships because everyone I thought I might like ended up being rejected by Uncle Merle. But that was okay, too. We lived together very comfortably, with the only other figure in our lives being Mrs. C-, who cleaned and cooked for us twice a week.
"Uncle Merle seemed really happy with me, and I filled out and regained my good pink coloring under his attentions. Best of all, I liked the evenings when he would invite me upon his lap and tell me to come dream with him. Then he'd tell me stories of places he'd been and the beautiful young girls he'd known in faraway, exotic countries. Even though I was growing every day and filling out more and more, I loved it even more when that hard bar of his distended cock would appear as if by magic under my shifting hips. I began to find excuses to sit there longer once I'd feel it creeping to life under me, and soon, without either of us admitting it, these sessions existed only for the times when I could roll around on its hardness. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with what we were doing, only sometimes after such an evening, I'd find it impossible to sleep for long hours until finally, out of desperation, I'd run my hands all over my aching body. It wasn't until after I turned twelve, though, that I actually was able to finger myself enough to come.
"The first time was a surprise. I'd spent a good hour on Uncle's lap, his strong arm around me just under my growing tits.
"Uncle Merle had told me some story about a little girl in Japan he'd once known-a silly little story-but all the while his hand and cock were exciting me so much I didn't know what to do. I finally excused myself and went to bed. There I lifted the gown and began playing with my wet slit like crazy, rubbing the little stiff marble of flesh with one finger while I dipped a finger from my other hand in and out of my hole. A fierce building sensation began deep in me, and, almost before I knew it, I was somehow brimming over, trembling and moaning, overtaken with spasms that lifted my being to ecstasy and relaxed my clenching thighs. It was wonderful, and I fell into a deep sleep almost instantly.
"I soon got into the habit of finger-fucking myself that way after every session on Uncle Merle's lap. I never stopped to wonder what my uncle did after those same sessions. I'd asked him once about how come he'd never married, only to find out he had been married a long time ago to a beautiful young girl. But she'd left him, and he'd never remarried. He didn't seem to go out with women, but I don't think Uncle Merle's personal and sexual life existed in my mind. He was just there, dependable and warm. Somehow we always seemed to end up touching, and that was fine with me.
"Then one night, I had a horrible nightmare. I'd done a pretty good job of repressing all that about my parents and my brothers and my entire life before coming to live in California. But the dream had my father coming for me. He was slapping me hard and telling me how women were no good, and then I realized he had his pants open, and his cock was sticking out. Only it was enormous, and it was shooting great gobs of thick white come at me. I screamed, but he kept slapping me. Then arms were around me and I was blinking sleepily.
"'llncle Merle!' I gasped, relaxing against him. 'I had this awful dream....' I shivered.
"'It's all right. It was only a dream. Shhh....' He began to stroke my hair.
"It felt so good to have him hold me that I sighed deeply. 'I don't know if I can go back to sleep after that dream."
"He continued stroking me. 'Try. I'll stay here. Would you like that?'
"I nodded vigorously. 'Oh, yes! Sleep with me, please! Hold me, please.' I snuggled against him, suddenly very aware of how my thin nightgown was halfway up my thighs and that underneath I was completely naked. Feeling all cunt, ass and tits, I wriggled against him, dimly aware that I wanted him against me for many reasons.
"He climbed into bed, wearing only his silky pajamas. He was old, yes, and my uncle, yes. But my heart was racing as violently as if he had been Jimmy or some other young boy who would soon be fighting his way up my cunt. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to scare him away, so I pretended to sleep.
"I guess I actually did drift off to sleep in his arms, because I don't remember anything between the time he got into bed until I became aware of my uncle's hand covering one of my tits completely, squeezing gently. I didn't move, just let the good feeling wash over me. Soon I realized the bed was rocking in rhythmic waves and Uncle was breathing harshly. Finally, I felt him shudder against me. Then he moved around a little, sighed contentedly, pulled me even closer to himself and fell asleep.
"Before dawn, I awakened again. I'd twisted in my sleep, and discovered my gown had fallen open. My stiffening little nipple was pressed against my uncle's cheek, and it's hard tip was wet. Vastly excited, I realized Uncle Merle wasn't asleep but was only pretending, and that he had been sucking on my titties while I slept. I forced myself to breathe regularly and deeply. Soon I felt the old man stir, and, sure enough, he began to lick, then carefully suck my nipples, taking one after the other into his mouth. My hungry pussy felt as if it were on fire. But soon Uncle stopped and turned over.
"The next night I had my 'dream' again. Somehow I knew he wouldn't be able to sleep with me and ignore my hot pussy much longer. I was right.
"I'd played at sleeping for a long time, and finally Uncle Merle seemed to believe it. He began to stroke me, first as he did when I sat on his lap, touching my hair, my shoulders, my back. Finally, as if he couldn't stand it anymore, he started rubbing my legs. I twisted just enough to be a convincing sleeper while convieniently allowing my gown to tangle higher and higher around my thighs. When I felt the cool sheet under my naked ass I kept still and waited.
"His hand was soft and feathery on my inner thighs, and I hardly felt it at all as he carefully placed it on my lightly haired pussy. He touched the little lips lovingly, and his breathing shortened noticeably. After what seemed forever he began running his fingers into me where it really counted, not penetrating me exactly, but fondling and feeling, even prying the little cunt lips apart. But I was totally unprepared for what happened next. All of a sudden Uncle Merle twisted around, moved his head down my body. The next thing I knew, the old man was licking my pussy like crazy! His tongue was a hot bolt of fire as it lapped greedily on that knot of flesh I knew felt so wonderful from any kind of a touch. Then it shot into my hole deeply, and I cried out in such pleasure that I couldn't pretend sleep another instant.
""Oh! Ooh! Oh, Uncle Merle! That feels so ... so ... oh! Yes! Do it to me more! Lick me there again! Ooooh....' I sighed in wonder.
'You're licking me! You're sucking me!' I lifted my hips against his face rubbing my young pussy against his twisting tongue. Neither of us could help ourselves at that point. I could feel the bed rock as it had the other night, and I looked down to see his wrinkled hand tugging on a cock much bigger than Jimmy's. Quickly, I reached down for it. Remembering that night in the alley, I began working my small hand on his big knob while he licked me.
"In minutes I was panting and brimming over inside. I stopped jerking on Uncle Merle's dick only when it was spurting wildly in my cupped palm.
"Afterwards, he was very quiet. I didn't know what to say, either, so I kept very quiet. When Uncle Merle finally slipped out of my bed and wordlessly left the room I gave in to a moment of pure panic. Now he knew. I was no good! I had made him do all kinds of strange things! What if he was so shocked, so sickened he would send me away? Suddenly I was sure of it! He would send me away! He would make me go someplace where they kept girls who were bad, girls who didn't have anyone! I began to cry softly. Finally, by morning, I managed to cry myself back to sleep.
"We were like strangers for days after that. But since nothing was said about sending me anywhere I began to relax a little. Even more, I began to get hot again. I didn't like sleeping alone, either. One night I cautiously asked Uncle Merle if I could sit on his lap and talk. But he made an excuse of some kind and left the room. I honestly didn't know what to think.
"I couldn't sleep that night. Finally, after worrying and tossing for hours, I tiptoed to my uncle's room. He was asleep. Gingerly I reached out and began to play with his soft cock. It came alive in my hand almost at once. When it was hard, I pushed the covers away and looked at it. It was too dark to see much, so I bent over, getting a closer view. On impulse, I rubbed the hard, throbbing tool against my soft cheek. It was then Uncle Merle awakened with a groan. He twisted slightly, just enough so that the head of his prick was suddenly against my parted lips. Before I realized what I was doing I had opened my mouth and leaned closer. The thick, rubbery dome was in my mouth then, and like a little animal, I began sucking on him-sucking my uncle's cock like I'd been sucking cock all my life..
"Well, maybe I was no good. Maybe my dad was right. But everything that was supposed to be so awful felt so darn good it was hard to believe I was bad at that moment. I sucked more and more of it into my mouth, and before too long my groaning uncle was twisting around until I felt my gown being thrown up and my thighs forced apart. Then he was licking my pussy again, and we were sucking and licking on each other like neither of us would ever be able to stop.
"I came first, but that didn't stop us. By the time my uncle was jerking off against my face I was coming all over again. I was so caught up in that moment that I nearly gagged on the mouthful of heavy cream spurting down my willing throat. I kept sucking him until he was all soft and weak again. Then I let go of him, but Uncle Merle only tightened his hold on my legs and soon I felt his warm tongue again, a ferreting little animal, diving into the warm cave between my thighs.
"There was nothing to talk about after he'd made me come another time. We just couldn't help ourselves and there was no point in trying anymore. I told Uncle Merle about my father, and how women were no good, and how my mother was no good, and even what had really happened with Jimmy that day. It didn't pretend to be conversation. It was a release, and I felt better afterwards. Then Uncle Merle began to talk, and he explained that my father was wrong, women were good and the feelings I had were good, though I was very young to be feeling them. But he was concerned over what we were doing. Society would condemn us, he told me, if they knew. It was my turn to comfort him then. I assured him no one would ever know. Then I began to suck his cock all over again.
"After that we slept together every night. We licked, sucked and played with each other, and one night I asked him to fuck me. But he wouldn't. It was funny, kind of, but he wanted me to save that for a man my own age who would some day come along and take me away. I kept telling him it was his big cock I wanted in me, his hard shaft I needed to break through my little cherry. We argued, and finally I gave in when his agile tongue found and pushed into my tiny, puckered anus for the very first time.
"It became something of an obsession, though, after that. We celebrated my thirteenth birthday by playing in bed half the day and most of the night, but he still wouldn't fuck me. Finally, I got him to agree just to rub his hard cock against my wet slit, between my clenched thighs. I got on my hands and knees and he got behind me. I began to moan from the moment he shoved his dick between my thighs. Moving back and forth like that excited me wildly, and I moved faster and faster, wetting his shaft more and more with each stroke. It was only a scant inch from my pulsating slit, and I began to beg him to put it into me.
"'Oh, Uncle Merle, fuck me please! Please shove that big cock of yours up me! I want you to so much! Please fuck me! Please!' But he wouldn't, and that was when I first threatened him. I told him if he didn't fuck me, I'd find someone who would-I'd let the first boy or man who wanted to get inside me. But he didn't believe me.
"I had to wait a full week for the chance, but I was absolutely determined that Uncle Merle would give up his silly reluctance and give me what I wanted, what I needed.
"Bill worked down the street from us, on the lawn of the only other old house left in the neighborhood. I'd greet him sometimes when I'd come home from school, and I knew he was dying to get into me. He was an older man, not as old as Uncle Merle, but that didn't matter. What mattered was my timing, that was all.
"Surprised, he accepted my offer for a Coke one evening just as he was finishing the neighbor's yard. But once in the house he became nervous. I assured him my uncle wouldn't be home for hours, then I excused myself. When I returned with his Coke, I was wearing my shortest skirt, making it very obvious I wasn't wearing panties underneath.
"He barely touched the Coke. When I sat down on the couch giving him a good look at my naked little cunt, he got up quickly, came to the couch and rapidly pulled me to my feet and against him.
"'You little cock-tease! Look what you did to me, Susie, baby!' He reached into his baggy pants and pulled out a good-sized prick that was so hard it trembled in his hand. 'I want to fuck you, little girl. I want to fuck you bad!'
"I was gambling everything on timing. Nervously I glanced at the big front door. Was that the soft hum of the sedan pulling up to the garage? I had to chance it. 'I'll let you fuck me, Bill. I like you,' I said, figuring that, at worst, he would fuck me. From the size of his tool, that wouldn't be so bad, and then Uncle Merle wouldn't have any reason not to fuck me. But it was his, not Bill's cock I really wanted deep inside me. It was Uncle Merle I wanted fucking me!
"Bill pushed me down on the couch. He was too far gone to bother with anything except getting inside me as quickly as he possibly could.
"I let him arrange my thighs, one of them over the back of the high couch, the other up pointing at the ceiling. Then he lowered himself between my thighs, his hand going for his stiff cock. 'I never done it to a chick as young as you, baby. But I been watching that little ass of yours swinging down the street a long time now and I want it bad!'
"I felt the very tip of his cock brush against my defenseless, open lower lips and I knew I was about to be fucked by this stranger. A sudden disappointment filled me. I wanted it to be Uncle Merle! I wanted my guardian's prick taking care of me!
"Just then the key scratched in the lock, and, before Bill could absorb the meaning of that sound and move, the door opened and Uncle Merle was standing there, his face white and shocked.
"The scene that followed was a beauty. Bill never suspected that it was jealous rage rather than simple parental protectiveness that made Uncle Merle carry on like he did. Finally, Bill was sent away, warned to never set foot in the neighborhood again, and I got my very first spanking from my uncle. I didn't mind it at all, though. In fact, I kind of liked it in a way. He brought his hand down a dozen times on my red little butt, and I cried loudly until finally he let me up. I turned around to show him how red he'd made me, and instead of softening him up, it only made him more angry. He called me a bunch of names, told me if I was that hungry for a fuck, a fucking was just what I was going to get!
"He half-dragged and half-raced me to my bed. There he threw me back on the bed, dropped his pants to the floor, and climbed on the bed. His cock was enormously hard, and inwardly I gloated. Then its tip was pressing between my legs and I was gasping....
"First I felt pressure, then pain. Crying out, I forced my thighs open even more and held tightly, impaling myself on his big shaft. Then the pain turned into such pleasure I thought I'd pass out from it. All of my uncle's anger was in his prick, and he was breaking through my cherry like crazy, fucking me as I'd dreamed of being fucked for months.
"When he finally shot his load in me and rolled off my young body in exhaustion, I was glowing and happy. His anger as well as his come had been drained from him, and we hugged each other tightly.
"'Some guardian I've turned out to be,' he said sadly, after he could talk once again.
"I grinned up at him happily. 'I think I like my new guardian better,' I teased. 'I like the way he uses his gun."
"Uncle Merle playfully slapped my greedy hand away. Suddenly I was very glad I was so young. After all, I'd be needing a guardian for a long, long time."
The mutual attraction which engendered sexual contact between Susan and her guardian cannot, in many respects, be considered as true deviant behavior. It would be wishful thinking to suppose that an older man-even a foster father-would not be sexually aroused by an attractive young girl. And, as Susan's one earlier sexual experience with an older boy indicates, she, too, felt the need for sexual gratification. Perhaps, the only clearly defined distortion in Susan's initial sexual contact can be found in the sense of guilt fostered by her father's neurosis. Once this sense of guilt was removed with the help of Uncle Merle, Susan was well on her way toward experiencing healthy and mature relationships with males her own age. In fact, the subject exhibited a frank sexual approach throughout the interviews, and demonstrated a degree of maturity that exceeded her age.
In Sexual Freedom, Rene Guyon observes that it is, indeed, not uncommon for girls to manifest a strong sexual desire which often begins in the preadolescent period:
Sexual appetite arises very early in childhood. With few exceptions, little girls are sooner informed about the details of the sexual life than are little boys; are more ready than boys to take part in it, being inclined to tempt men's advances at an age when their brothers pay scant attention to women and are more prone to casual homosexual encounters. Speaking generally, the sexual appetite awakens earlier and subsides earlier in the human female than in the human male, and this gives us a valuable pointer for the sensible regulation of the sexual life.