Chapter 5
A Backhanded Introduction
"You know, these days it's possible to read so much written material on the subject of sex that I'm beginning to think that people are stopping to consider whether it's all necessary or not-I mean whether or not it makes any difference in people's lives.
"I guess what I mean to say is that I think that it does have a purpose, and a damned good one too. Of course, that's because I've always found society to be damned intolerant of people like me who have sexual preferences that are not shared by the majority.
"It sure seems to me that since all this concern with sex in the media, people by and large have started to loosen up a lot. There was a time when you didn't even dare talk about certain sexual things in front of women-like oral sex and anal sex.
"When I was growing up, there wasn't much talk about it, anyway. Back in the fifties, things were pretty quiet on the sexual front. Nobody even admitted to wanting something different than a piece of ass-much less getting it!
"I grew up in New York City. That's not a good place to grow up. Kids have no privacy. It's not like other parts of the country, where teenagers at least had cars in which they and their chicks could drive out into the sticks and be able to ball. In the city, nobody had any room. Everyone lived with their parents, no one had a car, and when I was sixteen years old neither I nor any of the guys I hung around with had ever been laid.
"Well, we changed that around that summer by going down to Coney Island and-fucking some hookers. It was awful-I thought I'd be sure to get VD.
"I tell you, even from that first experience I knew that just fucking wasn't what I wanted. It was okay. It was enough to make me come. But I didn't feel any of the heart-stopping excitement that the other guys described. Not at all. It seemed to me about the same as beating off, at which I'd had lots of experience.
"I didn't say anything to the other guys. Hell, I think I acted even more excited about it than they did on our long ride back home on the subway!
"But it wasn't long after that first fuck that I found what I wanted. And once I tasted it I realized it was my thing!
"like I said, it was. summer and I was sixteen. After the experience down on Coney Island with the hooker, I felt pretty much like the man of the world. I mean, I'd been laid!
"This friend of mine had an uncle who was a hiring boss for one of the longshoremen outfits in Manhattan. He told us that if we wanted to shape up each morning he'd put us to work maybe three days a week.
"That wasn't bad. Three days' work, even at scab wages, was better than we were going to do anywhere else. The drag was having to shape up.
"You see, you had to be there every morning at seven-thirty whether you were hired or not. The boss came out, checked the guys standing there and named the ones who were going to work that day. A very corrupt system.
"Anyway. I'd catch the train in to Manhattan from Brooklyn. A cup of coffee and a donut, and then by seven-thirty I'd be in front of the hall. If I got work, off I'd go.
"On the other days, I wouldn't get hired. That meant that I was up, awake, in Manhattan, and without a damned thing to do. I didn't want to go back to Brooklyn-there was nothing happening there. So I used to hang around the city. Hell, I even went to a few museums to see what they were like.
"It was about three weeks after I got the longshoremen's job that I met Nancy. I was having a cup of coffee in this little coffee shop right there on Christopher Street and Seventh Avenue, which is the IRT exit for the Village.
"She sat next to me at the counter and before ten minutes had gone by I realized that she was a damned good-looking girl. The mirror behind the counter was grimy, but even with that I couldn't help but notice her long blonde hair and soft, regular features.
"She was built, too. Later I saw that she was almost as tall as I was-I'm five nine-with the longest, nicest legs I've ever seen on any girl.
"She had good tits too. A lot of tall girls don't, especially the ones who are sort of slim the way Nancy was. But, boy, did she have 'em! Big and firm and she loved to have them chewed.
"Anyway, we got to talking as we had coffee that morning. I'd already shaped up, and there was no work. So it was only eight o'clock in the morning and I had the whole day ahead of me.
"She was a student nurse and she was also enrolled in some summer courses at NYU. She said that it was her day off.
"I asked her what she was doing up so early if she didn't even have a class that day. She said that she was from Georgia, and she was used to getting up early every day.
"We decided to take a walk. I figured she lived somewhere in the neighborhood. The Village has a lot of NYU students, and she looked like she had the kind of money you'd need to afford a place down there.
"We walked down to Washington Square, and pretty soon the freaks started to gather. Washington Square has a fountain right in the middle and every day during the summer it's sort of a meeting place for all sorts of people: students, kids, perverts, businessmen, you name it. We sat on the stone edge of the fountain and talked about this and that for about two hours.
"She was older than I was, but I really liked her, and I could tell that she liked me. I asked her what she was doing for lunch and she said she had plans. I guess my disappointment was evident in my face, because she laughed and said that her plans included me. She was inviting me to her place for a sandwich and a beer.
"For the first time since I'd met her I realized that with any luck at all I was going to sleep with her. Boy, that sure made me feel good. She was by far the most attractive chick I'd ever talked to and one of the best I'd ever seen! When you're sixteen and a chick like that invites you to her apartment, believe me, you're ready to go.
"She lived in a cute one-bedroom apartment in an old, but nicely kept, building. Her apartment had a bedroom, living room, a kitchen, and a bathroom. I knew it probably went for maybe two hundred fifty dollars a month. I guess her folks had plenty of money.
"She hustled into the kitchen after asking me to turn on the record player. She came back ten minutes later with a little tray containing a bunch of sandwiches and two beers. We both ate a lot, because it had been a long time since breakfast, and that had only consisted of a donut and coffee.
"I lit a cigarette and sat back to finish my beer. She was just finishing up, too, and she reached over and took a cigarette from my pack on the table. 'I feel good,' she said, patting her stomach.
"I did too. I was getting edgy now, wondering how to make the next move. I'd never been in a girl's place before-none of the chicks I knew had a place. They all lived at home. I wondered what my older brother would do in similar circumstances. It didn't help. I had no idea what he'd do.
"Finally, after the silence that followed the meal, I could see that she was getting a little spooked too. 'Anything wrong?' she asked.
" 'Everything's fine,' I said.
" 'You're so quiet. Can I get you anything?'
" 'No, thanks. I guess I'm just tired or something.'
"She sat up on the sofa. 'Oh. Well, that's no problem. Look, I've got some studying to do-only take awhile. Why don't you go into the bedroom and get some sleep-when I'm finished I'll wake you up.'
"Why hot, I thought. I smiled, got up, and walked into the bedroom. Ten minutes later I was asleep, and soon after that she was in bed with me.
" 'Hey!' I said as I woke, her hands busy undoing my pants. But then I saw what was going on and I sank back on the pillow, thanking the luck that had taken the ball and run with it. She'd stopped me from having to wonder about getting her to bed-she'd gotten me to bed!
"This was great! In a few seconds I was nude, my cock thick and hard and pretty big, even for a full-grown man instead of a sixteen-year-old.
"She was sort of giggling, which I thought was strange. All the girls I knew would've been nervous as hell in a situation like that, but I was the only nervous one around.
"She was naked, and I was grooving on her body. That was the first time in my life that I'd been in bed with a naked woman. That whore on Coney Island hadn't even taken off her clothes.
"God, I was really out of it. Slowly I relaxed, sinking back on the bed. She was strumming my cock and it felt real good. I didn't know what was going to happen next, but I knew that she had a plan all worked out, and so far it looked real good to me.
"Everything she did was like nothing else I've ever experienced. I guess it was because it was fresh and new and the situation was perfect. No guilt, no worries. What a way to be!
"I braced my back against the headboard so that I could get a better look at Nancy. She was sprawled out alongside me, her face hidden because her head was resting on my belly, looking toward my cock.
"I slid my hand down her back, rubbing it and feeling the tension relax around her shoulder blades. Then I stroked her ass, running my hand in circles, poking her crack with the flat edge of my fingers.
"She was moving now, rubbing herself against my hand. I was watching, loving the way she moved so sexy, like a little animal conscious only of sexual pleasure happening to her now.
"Then I slid my hand further down and felt the moist softness of her cunt. Her pubic hair was soft and fleecy, thicker than I had imagined, but it felt good.
"She had increased the movement of her hand, and now my cock was really big and already wet with my juices. I felt the tip of her finger as she poked around the tiny hole on top of my cock, letting the juices boil over and then rubbing the wetness down the length of my shaft.
"Her legs opened up and it was much easier now to finger her hot cunt. I teased her with my middle finger, poking it in a little and then taking it out. I realized that she enjoyed other things just as much as a finger in her cunt: she loved me to rub the length of her slit and she liked me to put my hand sideways in her ass crack so that she could rub on it.
"I liked doing that, too. There was something about her ass that turned me on more than any other feature that she had. Sure, she had beautiful tits, and they were a turn-on; same with those long, tan legs. But it was her ass-smooth, rounded, delicious looking, that really wiped me out.
"Then she was leaning forward and I felt the hot touch of her lips against my cock. That, of course, was an entirely new trip for me. Never in my life had I expected her to do that. Where I grew up, cocksucking was reserved for homos and for ugly chicks that had to suck in order to have anyone go out with them. Not chicks like this. Christ, I'd've thought that a good-looking chick like that would've been disgusted to go down on a guy! That's the way you are at that age, I guess. Not too bright and with absolutely no understanding of sexuality.
"By the time I'd thought that out she was really going to town on me. Her mouth was wet and it slid easily over the length of my cock. It was wonderful, but I knew if she kept it up for a few seconds more I'd come in her mouth.
"I wanted to, believe me, but I thought that if I did she'd get pissed and that would be the end of that. Of course, that wouldn't have been the end of anything, but I didn't know that. I reached down and grabbed her by the hair and pulled her tightly clamped mouth off my cock.
" 'Hey,' she said.
" 'It's just that I didn't want to come,' I said weakly. I could tell it pissed her off. But my explanation seemed to do the trick. She smiled and then said, 'You New York boys are sure funny! Of course you were going to come! What in the world did you think the point of that was?'
"She had me there. I smiled and she scooted around, facing me. I could see her cunt now, and my eyes were fastened to it. She said, 'Never seen that before?' Her legs opened and her hands tugged at her lips, revealing a reddish colored hole glistening with juice. 'Taste it,' she said.
"I burrowed my face in there and lapped like a dog. It was so exciting that I felt like I was getting heart palpitations. I was running out of breath, and I was in good shape. She knew how to move, too. She was rubbing her snatch all over my face, grinding her pussy up and down on me and getting off like crazy. Finally, she raised up on her knees, and I turned over onto my back and slid underneath her.
"Now her cunt was directly overhead. I reached up and tugged her down, and she planted her beaver right on the spot and started going crazy all over again.
"There was a difference, however. This time, because of the position, I was also able to run my tongue in her ass-crack every now and then, and that turned me on more than sucking her cunt. It heated her up, too. Pretty soon she'd stopped rubbing back and forth and just sort of leaned forward and let me glue my mouth to her back door.
"Now I knew that I was home at last. It was absolutely the most sexually exciting thing that I could've done at that age, and I knew it. And she was moaning and groaning and really coming like crazy from it. I knew I was going to do even more and so did she, but this was wonderful for openers.
"Then she leaned forward and down and I felt her mouth settle over my cock again, and this time I didn't stop her. I sucked and tongued her ass-hole while she sucked and bit my cock, both of us going out of our minds with it.
"Then I pushed her away. I didn't want it to end there. She sat up and got off, and I turned her around and got behind her, dog-style. She was rolling her ass at me and I knew what she wanted, but I wanted every bit of her that I could get.
"I wedged my cock into her cunt and she settled back on it, moving her ass in tight little circles as I fed my cock to her. She was on her hands and knees, and I reached out and grabbed a handful of her hair. I pulled her head back and controlled her that way, pulling her hair every time I wanted her to stop moving her ass around.
"It felt good, of course, but I wanted to just feel my cock in her cunt with no extras. I wanted to feel the tight clasp of her box, its warmness and the tiny feathery fluttering that traveled up and down the length of my prick.
"The thing was, I was learning that anything that I did with Nancy was enough to get her going. She was one of the most sexually responsive people I've ever met. Whether it was sucking or fucking or cornholing, she was able to get off. And the thing was, she was just as happy to play with herself while I watched, on those occasions when I was too pooped to pop.
"Anyway, I began moving in and out of her, making her hold still all the while. It seemed like I was another person, feeling and thinking only sex, and she was part of me because the sensations were mutual, caused by the two of us. It showed me, I guess, that sex is the best when it can be channeled into an expression like that, of community. But I don't know. We didn't have anything going for us but pure fuck, and that was more than enough.
"She was oozing juices now, and her legs were trembling from her comes. She wanted to get on top of me and slide up and down my pole, but I didn't want that. I preferred to do it my way. I've always been that way about fucking with chicks.
"Finally, I knew that it was not doing anything to her anymore. She'd come too many times now and she was getting irritated by the same strokes.
"I pulled my cock out. It was covered with juice, hot and slick to the touch. I reached underneath her and smeared her goo all over her underside, particularly around her ass-hole. She knew what was happening, and I bet that bitch was grinning.
"I could feel her ass-hole pucker up under my massage. It wanted cock, all right, and it was going to get it. I fingered it softly, not wanting to hurt her but to see if she was ready. Even I knew that an ass-hole was a lot smaller than a cunt and that a full-sized cock might just hurt a little.
"She sucked my finger right up. God, that felt good. Her ass-hole was tight, but it was getting looser by the second. I guess she wanted it so bad she was willing herself to stretch out back there.
"My finger was all the way in, and even though she was loose, it was still really tight. Very warm, too, and her muscles were squeezing it bard and strong.
"I imagined what that would feel like on my cock. I knew that I'd probably come almost immediately once I shoved it in her, and I didn't want that at all. I mean, what's the point of ending it too quickly? All the fun for me is in the trip, not the arrival.
"I remembered one of the guys saying that if you put a rubber on, or some Vaseline, it would slow you down. That sounded like a good idea. I mean, a little Vaseline was not going to hurt and it might make the whole thing more fun for her-take away some of the pain, anyway.
"I asked her if she had some. She said that she did. I waited on the bed while she ran off to get it. Then she smeared my cock with it while I sat on the edge of the bed.
"There was absolutely no question now. She jumped back on the bed, once again on her hands and knees. I entered her slowly to make sure I wasn't doing any damage. I slid in easily, considering the size of the hole.
"It made me a butt-fucker for life. Up till that point, I guess, if I hadn't fucked her ass I might never have fucked anybody's. After all, a lot of chicks just won't do it. My luck was in meeting one who loved it so early in life. It made me a confirmed butt-fucker, all right, and now I can almost spot the chicks who dig it.
"Her hole was tight-and when she squeezed me it almost hurt. The muscles were extremely strong compared to those of her cunt, and I let her work on me while I held perfectly still.
"I could've shoved it in and out, and that was my plan. But once in I realized that the pleasure was hers to give, and she could do that best if I was quiet and she squeezed and milked and rolled on it the way she was doing.
"It was fantastic. It was so much pleasure that I finally forced her to stretch out on her belly so I could lie on her back. It was too much to kneel there, what with trembling knees and a feeling that I was blacking out. Once I was atop her, however, I realized I couldn't get it all the way in as I could when I was kneeling-but enough was in so I didn't give a damn.
"She seemed to like it better that way too. She worked hard, sweating, grunting, and I could feel the tinglings of my come.
"But there was still something missing from all this. I guess I was raised conservatively or something, but I didn't want to come that way.
"I pulled out and turned her over, and she had a surprised look on her face. 'You can't put it back in my cunt,' she said. 'I might get a disease!'
"I smiled at her. 'I don't want to, Nursie,' I said. 'Just hook your legs high around me and I'll get back in.'
"She didn't know if that was a good idea, but she was game for anything. I felt her legs snake almost around my neck and then I reached down between us and wedged my cock back into her ass.
"It was all over. I sank to the hilt, and I heard her breath wheeze out of her as she stiffened under the renewed attack. But it was already over for both of us.
"Her final come was very strong and she lunged up under me, but it was no use because I was all in already. I felt her ass-hole throbbing like a fist clenching around my cock, and the first burst of come from my cock seemed to make her shiver and roll around, but I was so far gone that I can only remember fragments from the end.
"It was a helluva thing.
"We met every day that I was out of work. Hell, after a while I was glad when I didn't get hired, because I couldn't get enough of Nancy. She was the first, and now, talking about it, I think she might've been the best."
One of the most frustrating factors about Jack B-'s case, as far as psychoanalysis of his problems is concerned, is the fact that after several sessions with the subject the psychiatrist was firmly convinced that Jack B-, who was referred to a psychiatric clinic (under some duress) after attempting to anally rape a nurse while the latter was awaiting a bus, was in fact a pathological liar. Although this element of his psychopathology is not glaringly evident within the narrative presented here, a comparison of several of his narratives obtained during psychoanalytic sessions, leaves no doubt that the subject is suffering from some deep inner conflicts.
There is a strong indication that Jack B-is suppressing one "unacceptable" form of behavior and, unconsciously, trying to do this by resorting to another, similarly somewhat "unacceptable" form. The suppressed leaning that the subject appears to have is repressed homosexuality.
Clara S. Thompson, in her book On Women, points out:
. . . From Freud's point of view, unconscious homosexuality is to be found in everyone. It is a part of the original libido endowment. According to him, it may exist in three different forms. There is latent homosexuality, repressed homosexuality, and overt homosexuality. Latent homosexuality apparently exists in everyone, although perhaps the amount varies from one person to another. It is not necessarily pathological. Freud assumes it may either find expression in pathological difficulties or in sublimation.
The problems of the case history subject fall into place once one becomes acquainted with his childhood training. As a youth, being an only child, he was brought up under what might very well be termed severely strict circumstances. He was doted upon, yet, at the same time, he was "protected" from the innumerable "vices" of the world. Among these "vices" was sex. Since his parents had made specific efforts to "protect" him from any scandalous involvement with girls, Jack had to limit his friendship to a small circle of "decent boys."
It was while he was in this clique that the call of adolescence-sexual curiosity and the libidinal drive-became a deafening roar in his subconscious. To answer that call, he and his friends took the most natural route under the circumstances, of appeasing their urges. They began a series of sexual experimentation sessions. Beginning with solitary masturbation, they proceeded to mutual masturbation, then to oral-genital activity, and finally to anal-genital acts.
Jack became attached to one of his friends. The attachment, which was shortly, and rightly, interpreted to be a sexual one by the subject's parents, was abruptly terminated, and the boy was sent to his parish pastor for counseling. This session with the pastor apparently brought Jack out with the conviction that he was not only "a sinner," but was also in danger of becoming "a perverted individual." When his parents died, Jack was taken in by his uncle and aunt, in New York, whose daughter was a nurse and who felt that there was no profession more laudable than the medical.
The subject became attracted to his cousin; however, he did not feel that he dared reveal his feelings for her. With this cross-current of drives and inhibitions, the subject began at first to fantasize having affairs with nurses, then he began to seek out nurses for his sexual gratification. A nurse, to the subject, became the next-best substitute for the "untouchable" cousin whom he really craved.
It is not unlikely that he had actually succeeded in seducing a nurse, or had been seduced by a woman who, by pure chance, was a nurse. It is doubtful, however, that his affairs with nursesall of which were, according to him, anally oriented-were anywhere as numerous as he wants us to believe.
The subject is obviously suffering from conflicts that will not become resolved until he is able to distinguish between fact and imagine, and to shrug off the distorted inhibitions he has about sexuality in general and anal intercourse in particular. His attempted rape of the nurse was nothing more than a subconscious cry for help.
Regarding anal intercourse, Alfred Kinsey and his co-researchers showed almost a quarter of a century ago, in their study Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, that "as many as half or more of the population may find some degree of erotic satisfaction in anal stimulation, but good incidence data are not available." If the case subject begins to accept this basically non-perverse side of anal eroticism, he might become free of the very attraction that specific "forbidden" activity holds for him.
"Nancy, as I mentioned, was a student at NYU. What I didn't know was that she was there only for summer school. She didn't let me know any different until late August. School was already out and she told me that she only had a week more in nursing before she had to go back South.
"I was wiped out. Not only was she the perfect sexual partner, but I had, as sixteen-year-olds do, really fallen for her. She was beautiful, intelligent, older than me. She took me all over New York and let me see it through her eyes, and I realized with her that New York really was a helluva town. Of course, it was on her bread that it was all possible. New York is a great place when you can afford it.
"Anyway, I didn't know what to do with myself after she split. I was back in school, too, but high-school girls really seemed young and stupid and not very attractive after I'd spent the summer balling a big-time college girl, and a nurse at that. A nurse just like-like one imagined.
"But, what the hell, I thought. It was great while it lasted, that was for sure. I didn't begrudge anything-after all, there had been no promises made, and she was free to come and go as she pleased. So was I, for that matter.
"But that didn't help me much. I was pretty torn up over it all, on the physical as well as on the emotional level. We wrote to each other, but that petered out.
"I knew I had to find someone. You can't stop fucking when you're that age-the drives are too strong.
"Sometimes I would think that it might've been better if we hadn't ever started, at least that way I wouldn't know what I was missing.
"That's the way it was with the other guys. They still thought that sex was what they got from that Coney Island whore, but I knew differently, and it really ate at me.
"I was going crazy, unable to study, to read or to enjoy anything. Finally I decided to get a job after school. That way, at least I'd be earning some money while the whole thing wore off and I could get myself together again.
"So I got a job bagging groceries at Bohack's, one of the local supermarkets. From there I went to another store up on Flatbush Avenue because the tips were better. It was a more exclusive store, with imagine labels and fancier prices, but all I cared about were the tips.
"A bag of cheap food and a bag of expensive food weighs about the same and takes about as long to pack. So off I went.
"The people in the new store were better-looking too. In Bohack's we got the usual Brooklyn supermarket crowd, and they're not much to look at. In Sid's, we got the pretentious crowd from Brooklyn Heights-younger and in better shape, they were.
"It was while I was working there that I met my next love. I guess I lucked out.
"We had a special service for small orders. You could phone your order in and the bag boy would deliver it to your apartment.
"Most supermarkets had the same thing in the area, so it was no big deal. But it was reserved for the new guys, because you lost a lot of time taking an order out and the tip was never really that big.
"In other words, you could make more dough bagging and just carrying out to the cars, you see? It was volume in the store, but when you had to take an order on foot, you lost a lot of time. And how much can you expect for carrying a bag of groceries a few blocks?
"Anyway, this order came in and I was handed the damn thing. I got a cart and filled the order, had it checked out by the manager, and tucked the bill in the bag. The address was a few blocks away.
"I got my coat from the stockroom and left my apron on the hook. It was snowing lightly, and that made the walk a little more pleasant than it would've been-especially in the summer. It only took me a few minutes to reach the apartment building.
"The order was for 3-C, so I hiked up two flights and banged on the door. When it opened, and I saw who the order was for, my cock started thrashing around in my pants.
"I'd always noticed this one piece of ass that would come into Sid's, because she never joked around with any of the guys the way the other broads did. She often wore a nurses' uniform and she was good-looking.
" 'Ah,' she said, smiling. 'You're from Sid's.' She felt the pockets of her slacks, but she obviously didn't have any money in them. They fit so tight I could see that there were no bulges whatsoever at the pockets. She frowned. Where the hell did I put my cash?' she said. Then she sort of remembered I was standing there in the hall. I guess I've got a face you can trust, because she invited me in.
"I set the bag down on the dinette in the kitchen and fished out the bill. 'How much is it?' she called from another room.
" 'Ten eighty-four,' I yelled back.
"I could hear her rummaging around in there. She was swearing softly now, and I knew she felt like an idiot. You don't phone an order in unless you check to see that you've got the bread. Most people in those days didn't keep checking accounts, so it was usually a cash business. She came back into the kitchen, a little red-faced.
" 'I'm sorry,' she said, and she meant it. T had that cash all day long, but-what with straightening out the place and all-I can't find it.'
'What I was supposed to do in a situation like that was take the groceries back. If she'd been a fat cat, with a private house or something, I'd of left it-company orders, in order to establish good will.
But never in a small apartment. But I didn't feel like taking it back, and I wanted to score some points with the chick.
" 'Look,' I said. I fished my bread out of my pocket. I had fifteen dollars and some change. 'Let me pay and then the next time you're in the store, you pay me back. That way I won't have to lug this bag all the way back, and you won't have to go through this again later when you find the money. Okay?'
"I was afraid she might take it the wrong way, but she didn't. 'Thanks,' she said, and she meant it. 'It would be a life-saver.' She realized that our relationship had changed slightly now. I was no longer some dog-faced bag boy, but a friend. After all, I'd volunteered to lay some bread out for her-and what more can you ask of a friend?
" 'Look,' she said, 'why don't you sit down for a minute, have a cup of coffee with me?'
"I could hardly suppress the smile. 'I'd really appreciate it,' I answered. 'It's been a hard day.'
"She got the coffee ready and I took off my coat and hung it over the kitchen chair. She served the brew and sat across from me. She was still sort of satisfying a social obligation, I could tell that. I hadn't exactly swept her off her feet.
" What do you do?' I asked.
" 'I work for a hospital. I'm a charge nurse.'
'That sounded impressive as hell to me. I thought immediately that she was older than she looked.
" 'How old are you?' she asked. She could almost read my thoughts.
"I decided to fudge a bit. 'Eighteen,' I said. She swallowed it.
"The conversation bottomed out after that. It looked to me like the chick was regretting getting so friendly with the bag boy.
'"What's your name?' I asked. The bill just said H-, and gave her address.
" 'Judy. What's yours?'
" 'Jack,' I said. I looked at her closely. She seemed to be about twenty-five, about five four, red hair, and one of those shapes that's all curves and almost plump, but still young and pert and really nice.
"She caught my eyes. 'Do you often stare at women that way?' she asked.
"I stammered, and then said, T didn't realize I was staring. It's that you're a very pretty lady, and I guess I forgot myself.'
"Again, I lucked out. It was what she wanted to hear. 'You're a nice-looking boy yourself,' she said. When she said that I caught a look in her eyes that I hadn't seen since Nancy left. And I thought I knew what that look meant. It was sort of a softening of the eyes, and with Nancy it always meant she was ready for anything. Please, God, I thought, let it be so.
"But how could I advance? I was still too timid at that age to just blurt out a proposition, and yet I knew that the chances of filling another order for her were slim. They go to the first guy who walks by the manager's office.
"She knew what was going on, and she knew I needed help. She took pity, bless her soul. 'like to see the rest of the apartment?' she asked, smiling.
"I was out of my chair immediately. 'Sure would,' I sang out, grinning from ear to ear. What could be more obvious than a teen-ager thinking he's about to get laid?
"I followed her through the living room, which was pretty hip for those days: travel posters, candles all over the place. Next was the bedroom. I wanted to stay there awhile. I noticed a big mirror across the room from the bed.
" 'I've never seen such a large mirror,' I said, and it was the truth. It covered the wall from side to side, reflecting the whole room back at you while you looked into it.
" 'I love mirrors,' she said. 'I found that one for sale in a shop on Third Avenue-you know, where all the interior decorators go. A lot of those shops won't even sell to the public, but I've got a friend in one and he knew how crazy I am for mirrors, so he made a special deal with me.'
"I wanted to talk more. 'But it's so big. Is that what you like about it?'
"She smiled. 'I like a lot of big things, Jack. Mirrors are one of them, and that's the biggest one that'll fit into this room.'
"She was right about that. I was looking at her face in the mirror and it was sort of changing, like Nancy's used to do-sort of getting tense. I knew she wanted it.
" 'It also helps me when I do my exercises,' she said. That sounded like a good conversational lead to follow.
"'Exercises?' I looked her up and down. 'You don't look like you need any exercise. You're per feet.'
" 'Sure,' she said, smiling. 'But I put weight on easily, so exercise is a way of life for me.'
" 'Show me,' I said, smiling.
"She positioned herself in the center of the room and began going through her exercises. They were fun to watch, what with her twisting and turning and pulling those slacks tight across her ass. Her blouse was opened at the neck and I got glimpses of soft white meat in there.
" 'That's a lot of work,' I said. I walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. She didn't seem to notice. I guess she hadn't done her exercises for the day, because she ran through them all.
" 'Whew!' she said, walking over to the bed and sitting down heavily alongside me. That does take a lot of energy.'
"It was, as they say, now or never. I turned to her, took her in my arms, and kissed her mouth. She responded eagerly, and all my tension left like a bird set free from its cage. I rolled back on the bed, pulling her with me.
"In seconds we had stripped down, and she was lovely. Totally different from Nancy, but perfectly built for the kind of body that she had.
"We were both so hot that for a moment neither of us knew what to do. like a lot of good-looking women, Judy wasn't getting her share, and it showed. She was hot as hell, her woman smell already filling the room as we stood there facing each other.
" 'Look,' I said. 'Just tell me what you want.'
"She frowned. 'That's the first wrong thing you've said since you got here.'
"I didn't understand. But I realized that if I wasn't careful I was going to talk myself out of a golden deal. Instead, I fell to my knees and buried my mouth between her legs. She gasped, but her legs opened up and I was tonguing her cunt for all I was worth.
" 'Yes,' she said, softly. I tongued and licked and then quickly spun her around. I opened her buttocks with my hands and quickly lapped at her ass-hole with my tongue. She gasped again, but her hips were in motion and I knew she wanted more.
"I felt the bed behind me and I wanted to get up on it but I wanted to make sure she was hot and was going to stay hot. I licked and sucked until I could feel the familiar tremblings of her legs and then I sucked toward the front, chewing on her labia as she moaned and strummed her clit in front with her hand. She wanted to come and come until she forgot everything-except the mirror. I'd forgotten all about it, but when I glanced out of the corner of my eye to my right I saw that she was looking at us, getting off from watching the whole scene in the mirror.
"It was turning me on, too. I dug watching myself, though most of the action was hidden because of our position. I stood up and sat her down on the bed and then stood in front of her. This way I could see it all.
"She leaned forward and sucked my prick into her mouth, the saliva running down the corners of her mouth. Now, this is really something to watch in a mirror. I could see us in profile, my cock running right into her mouth, my hand holding her thick red hair back so's not to block the view.
"But the funny thing was, all of it was nothing compared to what I knew I was going to at least try to do. It was like going through the motions because I thought it would please Judy. I had no interest in sucking her, or even having her suck me.
"All I wanted to do was run my cock up her ass. That was all. And it was thinking about that trip that had gotten me hard and kept me hard.
"I honestly didn't know if I'd be able to fuck her if she said no to a corn-hole. I figured my pecker might just die, even though I would be pretty satisfied with a good fuck if that's all I could get.
"Nancy had really opened my eyes for me.
"I was still watching us in the mirror, but the novelty was wearing pretty thin. You can only watch yourself for so long and then it gets to be a drag, like stag movies do after a while.
"What the hell, I thought. I might as well make my move and get it over with. I stood her up, turned her around and made her kneel on the bed. 'Got any Vaseline?' I asked.
"She looked at me over her shoulder. "You're not that big,' she said, smiling.
" 'For what I've got in mind I am,' I answered, smiling back. Her smile faded. 'Now wait a minute,' she said. She started to get up.
" 'Oh, hold it,' I said. 'It's really good. Believe me. What the hell, if you don't like it we can stop.'
"That softened her up a bit. 'Well,' she said. 'A girl friend of mine told me that hurt like hell!'
" 'Ahh, she didn't know what she was doing-or the guy didn't, because it's really great!'
"She got the Vaseline-actually, it was K-Y jelly, I think-and I smeared my cock and her ass-hole with it. She was kneeling again, but I knew she was worried. 'Don't sweat it,' I said. 'We can always stop.'
"I positioned myself behind her and held her by the hips. I didn't want to fuck up, because I wasn't going to rape her ass-hole, so if she said stop, I would. But I didn't want to, I can tell you that.
"I placed the head of my cock right against her ass-hole. Just a little pressure, not enough to pop it in, but enough to let her know it was there.
" . 'How's that feel?' I asked. Of course, I knew it didn't hurt-it couldn't. I wasn't doing anything except rubbing her ass-hole with the head of my pecker, and that feels good to any chick.
" 'No pain. But you're not in, are you?'
" 'Not until you want me in, honey.' I continued rubbing her gently and I felt her relaxing, and sure enough the tight pucker that had been her ass-hole showed signs of loosening up.
"I pressed forward a little more and then I was in. Not much, maybe an inch, but I was in. She was stretched out now and it couldn't have felt any worse than taking a good shit. You'd be surprised how many people like that feeling, by the way.
"Anyway, once she realized that it wasn't going to tear her apart, she started getting into it. Within a few minutes I had half my cock in her, and a few moments later I was in to the hilt.
"Now she was really going on it, feeling satisfied that she'd taken a good-sized cock up the ass. I think that turns chicks on-the feeling that they can handle anything a man can throw at them in the way of meat.
"I stood behind her and watched her hips buck and her pelvis spin as she ground herself up and down on my cock. We were both able to view the scene in the mirror and I knew she was digging it from the look on her face.
"I closed my eyes for a few seconds, letting the pure pleasure of it wash over me. I wanted to stay there forever with my cock up her ass and my reflection in the mirror and her body working and her grunting.
"But just when we were both getting into it, the damned doorbell rang. I froze, and so did she. 'Who is it?' I whispered.
"She swallowed hard. 'My husband,' she said.
'"Your husband!! ? '
"We were untangled now and I was setting a world's record for the indoor dressing event. She was explaining as she dressed just as quickly. 'We're separated, of course. And I forgot that he was coming over today-he's still got some of his things here. But I can't let him see you because if he tells his lawyer---Hell, I don't know!' she said.
"I had her bedroom window open by now and was already stepping out onto the fire escape. He wasn't going to get a glimpse of me.
" 'Look,' I said. 'When will you be home again . . .alone?'
" 'Saturday,' she said, but the way she was looking toward the door, which was still sounding off, I knew she didn't have sex on her mind-not now, anyway. 'See you then,' I said, and down the fire escape I went.
"People really know your number when you come down a fire escape when there's no fire. The old bats in front of the building were tsk-tsking me as I set sail for Sid's.
"But you know, it was really worth it. I mean, half the fun is the waiting and the expectations that you build for yourself.
"Now I knew I had a piece of ass, and I knew where to find her. All I had to do was kill time for two days, then it would be Saturday and I'd be back. It was sweet agony, I can tell you that.
"One thing, though, really threw me. It was Friday afternoon. I was working a counter and Judy came through, in her uniform, pushing a cart. My heart leaped and I wanted to talk, but she was ignoring me. It was like I didn't exist. When she'd look at me, she'd look through me.
"I was cursing inside, red in the face. I bagged her groceries and as she picked up the bag, she looked me full in the face and ... winked! Right on! And then she said, silently, 'Tomorrow.'
"Christ, I was hard for the rest of the day just thinking about it.
"I was supposed to work Saturday. That's one of the busiest days in the grocery business, but, come on, who's going to work when I had the deal waiting? I got up and called in sick. Then I showered and shaved and split for Judy's. It was about eleven A.M. when I got there and she opened the door almost immediately upon my knock.
" "What took you so long?' she said. She had a towel wrapped around her. She looked great.
"Within ten minutes we'd picked up where we'd left off. I was in front of the mirror, standing, and she was kneeling on the bed. My cock was buried up her ass and we were both watching the show in the mirror.
"Only this time I really fucked her good in the ass because I wanted to break her in right. The way I saw it, if I gave her a good ride, she'd let me come back for more. I fucked her ass until she was bubbling with come and then laid her down and fucked her some more.
"The only thing was, she liked having her cunt sucked a lot, and so we alternated between butt-fucking and sixty-nines. Of course, she'd clean my cock off before she'd suck it-butt-fuckers are not shit-eaters, after all.
"She came about four times just from being corn-holed. I guess it was the pure nastiness of it, or something, but I've found that a lot of girls can't come from a rear fuck. Nancy could, and Judy could, and a few others. But not most.
"She even smoothed me out a little. She was able to teach me to enjoy a good blow job, and an occasional fuck. But when it got down to it, I always wanted a butt-fuck. But then she disappeared. And that's when all this trouble started...."
It will take extensive therapy before the subject is able to adjust his thinking to the point where he will be able to distinguish his neurotically induced fantasies from reality. The pathos in this case lies in the parental-well-intentioned though their motivations might have been-twisting of the subject's libido at the most impressionable stage of its development.