Chapter 6
Again, Noel Traubert and Joe Banning could have compared lives. The night Noel had been taken by Bill Eberling, Joe had found his way to Serena's bed. The next morning, each looked at the world with different eyes. To Joe, the world probably looked beautiful. Noel felt trapped.
In a second comparison, Joe was delighted to have a week with Serena, but Noel, who had escaped, again had been trapped.
On both counts, the odds were in Joe's favor. He was being treated royally. Noel was being treated badly. And she didn't like that.
For three mornings straight she woke up to find Bill in bed with her, and she could never get away from him until after noon. He seemed to be having a wonderful time, too. He was really enjoying himself. Part of that, she knew, might have been her fault, for her body reacted to his touch. She couldn't help that.
At least she told herself she couldn't. How true that was she didn't know.
Did she enjoy these morning sessions, or did she endure them? When she got highly excited, was that Bill's fault or was she secretly having fun? What was the truth? She wasn't sure she knew.
There were a Saturday and a Sunday when she was not bothered. She slept. She slept alone and Bill slept where he should, with Fan. It annoyed her Sunday morning, when Bill and Fan stayed in their room almost until noon. They were awake before then.
Angry at herself, she set the alarm and got up Monday morning and left the house with her mother. She stayed away all day. But Tuesday morning she stayed in bed, and Bill woke her up after her mother left. He was in bed with her again, one hand to her breasts.
She murmured his name. "Bill-"
"Who else would I be?" He growled the words.
"Has Fan left?"
"Half an hour ago. What happened to you yesterday?"
"I wanted to think."
"You didn't have to stay away all day."
"But I did. Bill, what we are doing is wrong. Things can't go on like this."
"I don't see why not."
"This isn't fair to my mother."
He shook his head. "You keep worrying about Fan She's all right, I tell you. A session a week, that's all she ever wants. A man needs more than that. A lot more."
She took a deep breath. "A woman wants a man to herself. She doesn't want to share him with someone else."
"Who says so."
She looked up at the ceiling. "I say so, Bill."
"You mean you want to cut out your mother. You want to keep me to yourself."
She nodded slowly. "I want you to choose between me and Fan. You can't have both of us."
"I don't see why not. How could we get along, you and me? I ain't able to work. You know about my back."
"Your back never hurts you in bed."
"Sure, but if I had to lift things I wouldn't last long. Things are just dandy like they are. Fan likes her job, and she likes you and she likes me."
"And someday she's going to find out about us."
"Not if you don't tell her."
She was silent for a moment and she thought, What am I going to do about this? Bill won't change. I could avoid him half the time but that wouldn't gain anything. In time maybe he'll get tired of me, but he hasn't shown any signs of doing so.
While they had talked, that hand of his on her breasts had just been lying there, but now the hand was growing active. That started moving around, and in another moment Bill's head was there, and he said, grinning, "Time for another treatment. These boobs are really doing all right."
His mouth touched and Noel couldn't stop the streak of excitement which ran through her. There was another, and another as his kiss got more active. He was tapping a flood of emotions, was setting them free. He even seemed to be setting them on fire.
She was ready, but he wouldn't hurry what he was doing now, what he called his treatment. Noel didn't think her breasts were any larger than they had been before he started. But they were more tender, more sensitive.
She started turning, moving, and she blocked her thought channels. Now she was nothing but feelings and emotions which were getting out of hand. Bill took her then, and this was all right even though she knew that wasn't.
This part she loved. There was a moment of violence, and that was wonderful.
Always, before and after, she had her regrets, her moments of recrimination, her sensations of guilt. She had to live with those feelings, and would have to live with them until she found an escape.
The next day she got up early again, had breakfast with Fan and left with her when she went to work. This was a good day to escape. Fan would be working late.
"I'll be doing volunteer work at the Settlement House," Noel explained. "At least, I may do that. And if I do I'll be late getting home."
"I think it's wonderful you're working at the Settlement House," Fan said. "It makes me proud of you."
Noel scowled, and looked away. She didn't know how she was going to spend the day. But at least she wasn't in bed with Bill.
She spent half the morning doing nothing, but shortly after ten she ran into Debby Roth. Debby was standing in front of Peel's drug store and she looked angry at the entire world.
"What's wrong with you?" Noel asked bluntly.
"That rat-fink Hugo, the big slob! I never want to see him again."
"What did he do? Choose another girl?"
"No, if he did that I could handle her. He just walked out. I don't know where he is."
"Why don't you forget him?"
"I might just do that."
"What you need is a real man," Noel said. "What is it they say in the ads; step up in class."
Debby's eyes narrowed. "What do you know about class?"
"He might not be class," Noel said, "but I can point to a man who could give you a real tumble."
"Where?" ' "Not far from here."
"You know him?"
"I know him."
Debby was silent for a moment, then she said, "Noel, we're never very sure about you. Maybe you're still a virgin or maybe you've been around more than any of us. You're hard to understand."
"I just don't talk much," Noel said, and she smiled. It was nice to be mysterious, not to be understood.
Debby spoke again. "This man. Who is he?"
"I don't want to tell you unless you're interested."
"How do I know if I'm interested."
Noel shrugged. "Suit yourself. I can bet this-wherever Hugo is, he's not alone. If you want to get even with him-"
"There's half a dozen guys I could take, if I wanted to."
"Then take one. I'm talking about a man. He's got a bed, too. You once said you'd never been tumbled in a bed."
Debby seemed interested. "Maybe you know him pretty well."
"Pretty well."
"Is he good?"
"I think so."
"Then you have been around, haven't you?"
"A little."
"Where could I meet this man?"
"At my apartment."
"At your apartment. You don't mean-" Noel spoke quickly. "Don't get any ideas about my apartment. Fan is straight as they come. Fan is my mother. Never say anything about her. She doesn't know about Bill."
"Bill?"
"He's my father's brother. He's no kid any more, but he's all man. If you'd like to try him-"
"Gee, I don't know," Debby said. "Let me think about that."
Noel looked away. She was smiling to herself. "If Debby dropped things right here she would probably think that her father had a brother named Bill, who was rather wild. If she went further and took a chance with Bill and learned the truth, that wouldn't make much difference. If she got involved with Bill she wouldn't talk.
Best of all, if she could get Debby interested in Bill, that would lighten the load she had to carry. Debby could pick up part of that. Why not? She liked this kind of stuff. At least that was the impression she gave.
Debby was wearing sandals, shorts and a halter. She looked down at her knees and said, "What do we do if I say yes?"
"Just go home with me," Noel said. "Bill almost never goes out in the morning. He'll be there."
"But what'll we do? How will you-"
"We'll go to my room." Noel said. "I'll tell Bill we want to look at some of my books. Then a little later I'll tell him you're in my room, reading, but I've got to go because I've got a baby-sitting job. I'll tell him to leave you alone, but he won't. He'll come in, make a pass. From there on that's up to you."
Debby was silent again, then she asked, "When? If I say yes."
"Right now, if you want to."
"That doesn't seem right to do in the morning. The nights are different."
"So is the morning. You'll find out. That can be pretty good in the morning."
Debby hesitated. "If I only know him-"
"That won't take long."
"We just walk to your place. And then you leave. That's all?"
"That's all there is to that."
Debby bit her lips. She spoke almost to herself. "If I say yes, we ought to go now. If I think about this I won't want to go."
"We could do this," Noel said. "We could head for my apartment. We could even go in. Maybe Bill will be dressed. You could have a look at him."
"Yes. I suppose we could do that."
"Then let's go."
Noel didn't realize how good a salesman she was. She hadn't planned this. She wasn't even sure how much this would help, but this might help a great deal.
Debby straightened. "I ought to say no and maybe I will, but it won't hurt to walk to your place. If I don't like this man I can always walk out."
"Yes, you can always walk out," Noel agreed.
They headed up the street and as they walked, Debby made a comment with regard to Hugo. "If you see him anywhere, tell him for me to drop dead."
"I told him that once myself," Noel said.
"You never did like him, did you?"
"He's too rough, he thinks he's too big, he's the kind to run over you."
"That's what I like about him. He can tell you what to do and make you do that. Is Bill like that?"
Noel smiled. "You wont be disappointed."
"I haven't said I'd stay," Debby said quickly. "All I'm going to do is go to your apartment for a few minutes. Then I'll decide what to do. That's all I've agreed to."
"Sure. We can walk out," Noel said. "That's up to you."
She was frowning, now, as they neared the apartment. To be very honest, Bill didn't look very attractive in the morning. His face was puffy, his cheeks were red, and his hair was a mess. His nose was flat and too big and he had thick lips and big hands. His chest was black with hair, and in the sagging shorts he wore, with a roll of fat above them, he didn't make a pretty picture.
Most likely, Debby wouldn't like him.
Most likely, she would walk out.
But it was too late to worry about that. They were practically home.
Two flights of stairs and they were at her apartment. She unlocked the door and they went in.
Bill wasn't in sight in the parlor, or in the kitchen. It occurred to her that he might have left. But he hadn't. His voice shouted from his bedroom. "Is that you, Noel?"
She answered him quickly. "Yes, Bill. I brought a girl friend with me. We'll be in my room."
"Oh." He didn't seem to know what else to say.
"Maybe I shouldn't have come," Debby said under her breath.
"No, that's all right," Debby said. "We've come this far anyhow, so you might as well stay for a minute."
"Just for a minute," Debby said.
Noel led the way to her bedroom. It was a small room, nothing special, and the bed wasn't made but Debby looked at it and said, "Yours? All yours?"
"All mine," Noel said.
That wasn't wholly true. Very often she had to share the room with Bill in the mornings. But essentially this was hers.
"I have to pile in with my two sisters," Debby said. "Some day I want a bed all my own. A king-sized bed."
"I'm lucky this is a good bed," Noel said. "Go try it."
Debby walked to the bed and sprawled out on it. She rolled over on her back, stretched out her arms and legs, using up most of the bed. "I wish I had a bed like this. I sure do. I wish this bed was all mine."
"Stay right there," Noel said. "I'm going to see what Bill is doing."
Debby sat up. "Don't do anything about Bill. I haven't decided what to do. I probably ought to go."
"Whatever you say, Debby. But take it easy while you're here. Go ahead, use up all the bed."
She dropped back, spread out her arms. "I might go to sleep."
"Go ahead," Noel said. "Close your eyes and dream. I'll be back in a minute."
She left the room, left the door slightly ajar, walked across the hall to the other bedroom, and went inside. Bill was sitting up on the edge of the bed, ready to get up. He had probably gotten up much earlier just after Fan had left, taken a look in her bedroom and found she was out, then gone back to sleep. She and Debby must have wakened him.
He scowled at her as she entered. "What was the idea, walking out again?"
"I'll always do that now and then," Noel said. "You might as well get used to that."
"Yeah? I don't like that. Who's this girl you brought with you?"
"Her name is Debby, and she is very nice."
"Yeah? Get rid of her."
Noel shook her head. "I don't think you want me to, Bill. She's a present."
He raised his head. "Huh? What do you mean?" "Just what I said. She's all yours if you can handle her."
"You-you mean-" , "She's lying on the bed in my room, just waiting. She might be a little startled when she sees you but I left the door open so you can walk in quietly. From there on, that's up to you."
Bill shook his head. "I don't get you, kid."
Noel motioned with her arm. "You're wasting time, Bill. Debby's in there on my bed, waiting. What's holding you back? I didn't think you were like that."
He stood up. "You're not kidding me. If I walk in there-"
"Try."
"I don't want any tramp."
"Debby's no tramp."
He smoothed back his hair, took a step forward then stopped. "What you doing this for? I don't get this."
Noel shook her head. "If you keep wasting time you'll never get there. Why don't you take a look in my bedroom? You won't be disappointed."
He still looked puzzled but he passed Noel and walked on to the door. Then he walked on to the other bedroom. Noel's bedroom. He peered inside.
Noel stood waiting in the hall. She saw Bill disappear into the bedroom and she almost held her breath. At almost any instant, Debby might scream. She was braced for that. She couldn't know for certain what Debby would do when Bill approached her. This was quite a chance she was taking.
A minute passed, and another, and there were no sounds from the bedroom.
She moved up to the door. That had been pushed so she couldn't see into the room, but listening, she heard voices, Bill's voice and Debby's.
Then there was a long moment of silence.
Then she heard a giggle.
She didn't know what Bill had done to cause the giggle, but she could guess, and she turned away and left. For the next two hours, at least, Debby and Bill would be staying right where they were. And maybe, just maybe, she had found a substitute to take her place in Bill's life.
Noel walked to the park along the river. She sat on the grass in the shade and she wondered, curiously how Debby and Bill were doing. Sometimes in the afternoon Bill took a nap, and that had given her a chance to get away. But Debby was new to him maybe he would skip his afternoon nap. He might even keep Debby for the evening. There was a chance of that.
Mary Riley found her, and dropped down on the grass beside her. "What you doing?"
"Thinking," Noel said vaguely. "Do you have to work today any place?"
"I wish I did."
"What are you going to do about lunch?"
"I've got a quarter."
Mary stretched out on her back. "There's no onp home at my place. Dad's at work, so is Mom. If you'd like to eat with me, you can."
"That might be all right," Noel said.
She looked casually at Mary. She didn't know her very well. A thin girl, small, and with stringy hair, she was only fourteen and not really one of the gang, but she hung around Peel's corner and seemed glad to talk to anyone. She wasn't very pretty and she didn't smile much.
"We've got milk," Mary said. "And there's cold meat. We could make sandwiches. That's not much but-"
"It's more than I expected," Noel said. Then let's go. I'm hungry."
They got up and walked to Mary Riley's apartment. It was on the fourth floor of a walk-up apartment house, but inside it was very nice. The rooms were clean and they weren't cluttered with furniture. There was a window fan which helped cool the air.
They had milk and sandwiches, and they talked. Chiefly they talked about the people they knew, Hugo, Chuck, Vance, Debby and Dell. Joe Banning was mentioned, too. Mary didn't have anything good to say about Joe. In fact she didn't say anything good about anyone.
"We got a hi-fi," Mary said, changing the subject. "Like to hear it? Jive."
Noel shrugged. "Go ahead. Turn it on."
"It's in Mom's bedroom. Finish your lunch and we'll go in there and listen."
Noel liked music but she could get along without it. The only real reason to listen was to fill in part of the afternoon. She had nothing to do, really.
She finished her sandwich and her milk and followed Mary to one of the bedrooms. There was a convenient bed. She stretched out on it and listened to the music from the hi-fi.
Mary joined her on the bed, leaned back. "I put on a full load of records. This will run for more than half an hour."
"By then, I'll be asleep," Noel said.
"Then go ahead. I might fall asleep, too. I like to take a nap in the afternoon."
Noel relaxed. She closed her eyes. She wondered about Debby and Bill. And she thought about Fan. She thought, Bill isn't any good. I've got to make Fan see it. But she knew that wasn't going to be easy In fact, it might be impossible. Fan was in love with Bill and when you were in love you were blind.
The music went on and on. It stopped and Mary turned over the records and lowered the volume. Then she returned to the bed.
Noel dozed for a few minutes, then she heard Mary's voice. It was very low, hardly audible. "You're a wonderful girl, Noel. The kindest person I know. And you're beautiful."
"Not beautiful," Noel said.
"I think you are. And your skin looks like silk, so smooth."
A hand rested on her arm. Mary's hand. The hand moved along her arm but touched her so lightly she could hardly feel the gentle brush of the hand gave her a rather pleasant sensation. That was nice to feel she was pretty, even if she wasn't. That was nice to think her skin was like silk.
She heard Mary stir, move her body, and she sensed that Mary had moved closer. She thought, Crazy kid! If she wants to think I'm pretty, let her.
That hand brushed over her arm again and moved up once more to touch her cheek, but that was so light a touch all that did was make her skin tingle.
"Yes, you are very beautiful," Mary said. "And you have a wonderful body. I'd love to see your breasts. Mine are just starting."
"You don't have to worry about them," Noel said practically. "They'll grow for you just as for me."
"Maybe, but if I could see them, please-"
Noel hesitated, but for just a moment, then she smiled and she thought, Why not? They are very good breasts.
She was wearing what she usually wore during these hot summer days, shorts and a halter, and she rolled over onto her side away from Mary and said. "All right, unbutton my halter, but breasts aren't anything special."
Mary loosened the halter and Noel slipped out of that, then rolled back. She stretched, and smiled, and wondered what Mary was thinking. Her eyes were still closed.
"They are lovely, lovely," Mary said. "I want to touch them."
Touch them, Noel thought. And she frowned.
Mary's hand curved around one of the mounds, but just as before, she scarcely touched the skin. Her touch was almost as light as a breeze. Her hand moved to the other mound, circled around and around, and then brushed across one of the nipples, then the other, and Noel felt a sudden stab of excitement, and another, and another.
She took a long deep breath and she didn't move, but she thought, I've got to stop this. Mary doesn't know what she's doing. I've got to stop this now.
But she didn't. That was entirely too pleasant, too good, and the way Mary was touching her gave her a wonderful feeling. The touch of Mary's hand was as light as a butterfly kiss. She could scarcely feel that, yet her entire body seemed to be inflamed. , Mary moved again, moved closer once more. And then-
What was she feeling? What was that?
She had asked herself that, but she didn't need to. She knew exactly what Mary was doing. Mary's head was there and her kiss had settled. Light kisses were circling her breasts, and she could ho longer lie still. She was caught in the fever of a gripping excitement. She was going through the same things she had gone through with Bill, but that was wrong. What she ought to do-
But she didn't do anything. She just lay there and enjoyed what was happening. She kept her eyes closed and let Mary go ahead, and do what she wanted. When Mary slid her shorts down she offered no objections. Later she might feel ashamed and embarrassed, but no one but Mary would ever know what had happened-
She thought, This is the way that is with Lesbians. I never really knew what that was like. I thought that was terrible,'but this isn't terrible. This is even a little nice. I could almost like this.
Mary reached out and touched her lightly, and smiled. "Is this all right? You don't mind what I'm doing?"
"I don't know," Noel answered. "I feel sort of dreamy, and good, and I don't want you to stop."
They talked later on in the afternoon. By this time both of them were nude, and curled up in each other's arms. Noel felt strangely protective toward Mary although she knew this was foolish. Mary could get along. She would have to, because so far as Noel was concerned, she was no Lesbian. This was to be only an interval in her life.
"I just can't stand a man," Mary said. "I wince if one touches me. They are rough and cruel, and they hurt you. I will never hurt you, Noel."
"I know you wouldn't," Noel said.
"If we can see each other like this, now and then-"
"We might be able to. I don't know."
"You're just like me, really. But you don't want to admit that. We could become real lovers."
"That sounds funny."
"Maybe, but that's the truth. Do you know of anyone who could love yon more than I did? Do you know of anyone who could be more tender, any more gentle?"
Noel frowned. At least part of what Mary had said was true. No one could have been any more tender, no one could have been more gentle. That had been exciting, too. This experience had really shaken her up. As a proof, here she was, holding Mary in her arms. She had never thought she would ever do anything like this.
Why was she doing this? Why did she feel so protective? Was she a Lesbian without knowing it? Of course she wasn't. She rejected that idea at once.
Mary stirred, looked up. "You do love me, don't you?"
Noel was still frowning. "I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I've got to think about this."
"I can help you."
"No. I have to do this myself."
"You could kiss me."
"All right, I'll kiss you," Noel said. "Then I've got to get dressed and we have to straighten out this bed."
"There's no hurry about that."
"I want to take a walk, I want to think."
"I'll go with you."
"No, I want to go alone."
Mary was silent for a moment, then she said, "You haven't kissed me."
Noel leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.
"No, I want a real kiss," Mary said. "On the lips."
That was a strange thing, to kiss a girl on her lips and to feel her respond. But that was what happened when she kissed Mary and that was what she wanted, that was all right, maybe, but she still was uncomfortable.
Mary clung to her, held on to the kiss and at the same time smoothed her hand over Noel's breasts. A tantalizing sensation ran through her and she closed her eyes and let herself drift. But after a moment she straightened up and drew away, and whispered "Oh, no, Mary. I don't want to get started again."
"You just don't love me," Mary said, pouting.
"But I do."
"Then say you do."
"I love you, Mary."
"Kiss me when you say that."
It was not easy to get away. Mary clung to her, and cried. She didn't want to get dressed and she didn't want Noel to get dressed. But Noel got dressed anyway, and finally Mary did too. She was a very thin girl and her breasts were nothing but bumps on her chest Noel had said they were very nice and that soon they would be as large as hers. But that had seemed very funny to caress them; that gave her an uneasy, unnatural feeling.
It was late in the afternoon when she left Mary's, and she walked to the river and sat on the grass, and tried to understand what had happened.
Was she a Lesbian? She didn't think so. She hoped not. But what was the truth?
Mary had loved her, overt love, and she had enjoyed that.
She had loved Mary and although she had felt a little awkward, she hadn't minded very much.
Did she want to try that again? She didn't know. So where did that leave her?
Toward dusk she started toward Peel's but on the way stopped and had a hamburger and a coke. She had admitted to Mary that she had a quarter. She had more than that but it was never wise to admit you had any money. Your friends would spend it.
It was still early when she reached the drug store corner and several of the gang were there. But not Debby Roth. Noel asked Chuck Wales if he had seen her but he said he hadn't, then he said, "Want to take a walk?"
"Not yet, anyhow," Noel said. "I've got to see Debby."
"That's just an excuse," Chuck muttered.
It wasn't an excuse. Noel was very much interested in seeing Debby, interested in a report, although she wasn't sure Debby would tell the truth.. It occurred to her that maybe Debby was still with Bill, but that seemed impossible. One tumble, or two, and Debby would have escaped. She wasn't really worried about her. She had heard her giggle. Wherever she was, Debby was all right, but she wanted to see her.
It was an hour before Debby appeared, and she didn't look any different than the day before or the day before that. She made a few wisecracks, looked around and noticed who was there, then started talking to Chuck.
Noel joined them, interrupted them. "How was the morning, Debby?"
"Nothing special," Debby shrugged her shoulders. "I stayed home and cleaned my room."
"And the afternoon?"
Debby didn't look at her. She smiled but the smile didn't say anything. Noel thought Debby wasn't saying anything about Bill because Chuck was there, but then Chuck turned away and started talking to Vance Glasser, and Debby still didn't say anything.
Noel asked a blunt question. "How did that go?"
"How did what go?" Debby asked, and her expression couldn't have been more innocent.
"You know what I'm asking you," Noel said. "Sorry, but I don't."
"How did you like Bill?"
"Bill who?"
Noel was .puzzled. She couldn't understand Debby's attitude. There was no question about what she and Debby had talked about this morning, there was no question about where they had gone, there was no question about the circumstances under which she had left her. There was no doubt about what had happened, but Debby seemed ready to deny everything.
Noel lowered her voice. "If you don't want to talk about that, I'll find out from Bill."
Debby laughed and now she was showing a superior attitude. "Want to bet?"
"Hell tell me."
Debby laughed again, and turned away and headed for the entrance to the drug store. She took a place at the fountain and ordered something.
Chuck rejoined Noel, took her arm. "Hey, how about you and me going somewhere."
"Why?" she was still peering into the drug store.
"Just thought it might be fun," Chuck said.
Noel was ruthless. "I don't want to go with you."
"Aw, I don't believe you."
"But I don't."
"We could take a walk, anyhow. Ain't got much to do."
She looked at Chuck, hesitated. He wasn't too bad, really. Better than Hugo or Vance. Better than Joe, probably, although she liked Joe better. It wouldn't hurt to take a walk to the river and back. It was too early to go home. Fan wasn't back yet.
"Well, how about it?" Chuck said again. "You never get anywhere standing here."
She nodded slowly, then she asked, "What's happened to Hugo?"
"The cops picked him up."
"Does, Debby know about it?"
"How do I know?"
"What did he do?"
"Car-stripping, but I don't think they can prove it. He's probably out by now. Come on, let's go."
They turned away and as they did, Noel caught a glimpse of Mary Riley standing back in the shadows along the wall of the building. The lights of a passim car touched her briefly, and Noel couldn't help noticing the girl's tight, scowling face. She was staring straight at her, as though she hated her.
Noel and Chuck walked to the river, walked slowly. They did a little talking but at the same time, Noel kept thinking about Mary. She wished Mary hadn't been there, to see her and Chuck leaving. She and Chuck weren't going to do anything, but she still felt guilty and she didn't like that a bit. She owed nothing to Mary-nothing at all. It was silly to feel the way she did.
Unless she was a Lesbian herself.
So here she was again, back at those earlier questions. Was she or wasn't she? Had the experience this afternoon been only a test? Did that prove anything? What was the truth? How would she react in the morning when Bill came to her bed? That ought to tell her something.
They reached the park, found a pface to sprawl on the grass, and even though she had told Chuck he wouldn't get any place, he had found as secluded a place as he could. But maybe that was natural.
He rolled toward her, kissed her, and then muttered under his breath, "Never know what to do about you. Sometimes I think you like me, sometimes you act as though I never lived."
"I've got problems at home," Noel said.
"Everyone does. Remember when we were here last time?"
"I remember."
"That was a nice night."
"You were too fresh."
"Maybe, but you didn't seem to mind."
Noel looked up at the sky. She remembered what had happened that night, and what had almost happened here just a few nights ago, when she had been with Joe Banning.
Chuck kissed her, then kissed her again. He put his hand on her bare midriff, slid the hand under her halter, curved that around the mound of one of her breasts.
"If you're not careful," she told him, "you'll get something started."
"I just wish I could. If I could get you, Noel, I'd never think about anyone else."
"You're just saying that."
"No. I mean that."
He kissed her again, kissed her very well. That was a better kiss than she had had with Mary. A kiss from a girl! That was a funny thing. More than anything else this afternoon, that was what had bothered her, kissing Mary's lips. When Mary had kissed her breasts she had gone wild, and all the rest had been wonderful. But to kiss the lips-
Chuck was interrupting her thoughts, and his hand was doing a very good job on her breasts. Noel just lay where she was, enjoying herself. She told herself, This is what I want, this is what I need, someone like Chuck. Not Mary. I don't need her. I am no Lesbian. What happened this afternoon was an accident.
Chuck drew his hand from her breast. He moved that to her leg well above the knee. He had no trouble about that. Her shorts weren't very long.
He moved the hand just a bit, and he said, "I don't want to stop. You know I don't."
Noel smiled again. "Wait a minute, Chuck. Let me sit up."
"Sit up?"
"This won't take long."
She pushed him back, sat up, looked around. Chuck had done very well in choosing an exclusive place. There was a couple not far away but they were busy and the shadows were fairly deep. A cop might come by, but he might not.
"Whatever you do, don't faint," Noel said. And she loosened her shorts, pushed then down, and then took them off. The entire operation took about ten seconds.
Chuck took a deep breath. "Noel, you mean that's all right?"
"You'll never get a better chance than this," Noel said.
That was true. When Noel had taken off her shorts her panties had gone with them. Now, lying down, she was wearing only her halter. If Chuck wanted her, all he had to do was take her.
The earth was hard, but that didn't keep Noel from keeping in rhythm with Chuck's movements.
A storm was building for her. A real storm. She could feel that gathering, taking charge of her emotions. But this was wonderful. She had needed this. Here was all the proof she would ever want that she was straight, not a Lesbian.
She was a man's woman. That was what she wanted to be.
Chuck walked her back home, and he couldn't have seemed more devoted.
"You're my girl," he told her. "And don't forget it."
"No, I'm nobody's girl," Noel answered. "Tonight was tonight, and that's all."
"You mean that didn't mean anything to you?"
"No, that was very good. But I'm not your girl, Chuck. I'm not ready for that."
"You want to try some other guys?"
"I didn't say so."
"But that's what you want."
"How many girls have you tumbled?"
He shook his head stubbornly. "That ain't the point. That's different for men."
"Why?"
"That just is."
"Not for me," Noel said. "But I'm not looking for any other man. I'm just not ready to be sealed off. That's all."
"If any other guy ever touches you-"
Noel wondered what Chuck would think if he knew about Bill. He might never want to see her again. It was funny about men and women. A man could be as loose as he wanted to be, but he expected his own particular woman to be faithful to him. There were a lot of inequalities in the world.
Chuck had been elated while they had been in the park, and walking home, but now as he left he seemed thoroughly disillusioned. Noel was sorry he felt that way but she didn't know what to do about it.
She didn't want to belong to Chuck any more than to Mary.
And she didn't want to belong to Bill-but that was another problem.
She went inside. Fan should have returned home, but something must have delayed her. She might have missed a bus. Anyhow, she wasn't home.
But Bill was there, and he was in a good humor. "Hi-ya, kid. Where you been?"
"At the Settlement House."
That was a stock answer whenever Bill or Fan asked about where she spent her time. It saved a lot of explanations. A girl was supposed to be in safe hands if she went to the Settlement House.
"This girl you brought," Bill said-"Why?"
"I just thought you'd like her. Did you?"
Bill's grin grew wide. "What do you think?"
"How long did you keep her?"
"Most of the day."
"Is she seeing you again?"
"She said she would tomorrow. That crowds you out."
"I can take that," Noel said. He scowled suddenly. "Is that why you did that-to get out?"
"I needed a vacation."
"I don't know if I like that or not."
"I'll be around usually."
He had been watching TV. It was still going on but they were ignoring it, and now he stood up and walked toward her, reached her and raised his hands, closed them over her breasts. "If we had more time-"
"But we don't," Noel said. "Fan could come walking in any minute."
"If we were in your room-"
"But we're not."
His face darkened. "What do you want to get out for? If I thought you were going around with some young sprout-"
"You mean that would be wrong."
His hands tightened around her breasts, tightened so hard she winced. And he said, "You just listen. You're part of my family, and you keep straight, understand? If I ever find you with anyone else, I'll fix you for good, and don't forget it."
Noel twisted away. She headed for the kitchen and was there drinking a glass of milk when she heard Fan come in.
She would go in and see her, talk to her for a time, then go to bed. And she would really sleep. This had been quite a day.