Chapter 4
Noel Traubert seemed to have turned inward. At home she was rather quiet, she didn't talk much. When she was out with Debby Roth or Mary Riley she seemed moody. She used to laugh rather easily. She didn't laugh any more. She used to seem bubbling with excitement, but that was in the past.
Debby frowned at her and asked, "What's wrong with you, anyhow? Are you sick or something?"
"No, I'm all right," Noel answered. "Then you're in love. That's it. Who is it? Chuck?"
"Chuck Wales? Never."
"There's nothing wrong with Chuck. He's a nice guy."
"Then you can have him."
Debby laughed. "I have. I can tell you he's not bad. He takes things easy, too. He doesn't rush you. He'd go for you, Noel, if you'd give him half a chance."
"Maybe when he's forty I'll think about that," Noel said.
At home she was the same. Fan was worried about her. Several times she seemed to be studying her daughter, then finally one evening she asked, bluntly, "What's the matter, Noel?"
"Nothing," Noel said. Then she corrected herself. "Maybe I'm a-little tired of waiting for the summer to pass."
"You mean you'd like to get back to school?"
"That's part of it, I suppose. I'd like to get a job but jobs are scarce."
"Have you been going to the library?"
"Now and then."
"The Settlement House? They have craft courses. When I was a little girl there weren't such things, places where you could do things with your hands."
"I don't like the Settlement House."
"Isn't it a nice place?"
"Maybe. But I don't like charity. I don't want to be considered a case."
"They're not like that," Fan said. "Every person I've met at the Settlement House is friendly and that's something, anyhow. There isn't much friendliness left in the world."
"I get along," Noel said.
So here she was in the mid-summer, a tall, thin, wiry girl, sixteen years old, far into her adolescence. Too far. This had been a definitive year. The years ahead would never be quite like the years which were in the past. In a sense she had grown up. She couldn't have said she was an adult or that she had gained her maturity, but at least she was no longer a child.
She knew what was wrong with her, why she was moody, silent, thoughtful, and bitter. She knew the trouble but she couldn't analyze it, couldn't set it out in a formula which made sense.
Fan was the cornerstone of her problem, or to be more explicit, Fan's blindness and the two branches of her love. Her love for Bill, and her love for her daughter.
Bill was weak, he was lazy, and he was evil, but Fan didn't look at him in that way. She saw him as a man devoted to her, a man who was physically unable to do much work. Undoubtedly it had never occurred to her that Bill might cast a lustful eye at her daughter. If she believed in Bill, then it would have been ridiculous to think of him as evil.
Noel thought and thought about what to do about Bill, and about Fan, and about herself. All three were caught together in a triangle. She thought it was an ugly triangle. Fan thought it was a pleasant triangle. Bill probably, thought it an amusing triangle.
In her deliberations, Noel realized she could destroy Bill. All she had to do was expose his attitude toward her. If Fan learned that Bill had put her to bed, she would drive him out of the house, smash him. But at the same time, this would destroy Fan. If she lost Bill she would want to die. He meant almost everything to her.
Noel had made a decision with regard to the triangle. She knew it was not a sound and enduring decision. She knew it didn't solve anything, that it was a temporizing course of action. But she could see no other course to follow. It was the first decision she had made. All her thinking had not helped.
This was what she would do: say nothing to Fan, but by day and by evening, she would avoid Bill. In the mornings she would leave the house with Fan, and she wouldn't come back until Fan returned. That meant she had to stay away from the house all day and some evenings. When Fan worked late, then she stayed away, too.
It was not easy to stay away from the house all day. It was not easy to go without lunch. And if Fan worked nights it was not easy to miss lunch and dinner. Sometimes she took a lunch from the house but that was not always possible. Sometimes she was invited to someone's home for lunch, but that didn't always happen. A week of this, of missing lunches and of staying out late, and worrying, and she lost five pounds. She was thin already. She knew she couldn't go on losing more weight but she didn't know how to avoid it.
One night, after a week and a half of this, Fan appealed to Bill. She introduced the subject at the dinner table. She frowned at Noel, then looked at her husband. "Bill, have you noticed Noel, lately?"
"How could I?" He shot a look at Noel. "She's hardly ever home. If she was my daughter, I'd keep her in more often."
"Yes. That might help," Fan said. "She does need more sleep."
Noel spoke up. "I'm doing all right. I wish you wouldn't worry about me."
"I don't want to, dear," Fan said. "But something's wrong. I can sense it."
"I've been studying a lot," Noel said. "I practically live at the library."
"The library closes at nine," Bill said. "Sometimes you don't get home until eleven."
"Then I'm at Debby's, or at Mary's. And I don't stay out every night."
Fan looked at her thoughtfully. "And nothing's wrong? Nothing at all?"
"Nothing. I feel fine."
Fan smiled, straightened, then she motioned toward the kitchen. "There isn't much to be done tonight. I can handle the dishes myself. Bill, why don't you spend a little time with Noel? I have a feeling she's lonely."
"Yeah, I'll talk to her," Bill said, and he grinned.
"I don't need to be talked to," Noel said, and she was angry.
But Fan shook her head. "Sometimes a daughter can talk to her father when she can't talk to her mother. At any rate, we'll try it. I'll do the dishes. You two stay here and talk. Or if you want to, go to the bedroom."
They went to Fan's and Bill's bedroom. Noel preferred that to her own bedroom. And she was stiff and defiant as she faced Bill. For ten days she had avoided a scene like this. She knew, of course, that someday he would corner her, and she might have a few uneasy moments. But she wasn't really worried. She and Bill were alone in the bedroom, but they weren't alone in the apartment. Fan was as near as the kitchen. Bill wouldn't dare try anything while she was here.
He stared at her curiously. "What's the matter, kid?"
She shook her head. "Nothing."'
"Don't hand me that kind of stuff. You've been keeping away from me like I had some disease. What's the idea?"
"I've had several jobs, baby sitting."
"Yeah? Where?"
"Different places in the neighborhood."
"Nope. I don't believe you. You've been dodging me, and I don't like it."
He walked toward her and as he did she backed away. But she couldn't back any farther than the door. The door stopped her.
His puzzled expression had vanished. Now, as he reached her, he was grinning, and he pinned her against the wall, his hands moving up to cover her breasts, to close around them tightly.
He lowered his voice. "Didn't I tell you I was going to work on those boobs? They're doing fine but they need a man's touch."
She pushed at him. "Leave me alone."
"Leave you alone?" He shook his head. "That's been the trouble, you've been alone too much."
"If I call Fan-"
"Go ahead, call her. What will you tell her. that I've been mauling you? She wouldn't believe you."
She probably wouldn't. Fan didn't want to believe anything evil about Bill. Her love would cover a lot of wrongs.
Bill hadn't moved when Noel had pushed at him. She pushed at him again, but he stayed where he was, holding her against the door. His hands were rolling her breasts, but suddenly that didn't satisfy him and with one hand he unbuttoned the top of her blouse, hooked one finger under her bra, and pulled that up. That freed her breasts. Now, he really had something to hold.
He pressed against her, caught her breasts with his hands and squeezed. He said, "Say, I've been missing these. And something else, too."
Noel took a quick breath. "If Fan comes in-"
"She's busy in the kitchen."
"But she's thinking of us. She might come here, just to say something and if she did-"
"She's not gonna bother us. Not for a while."
"But if she does?"
Bill laughed confidently. "You know, I bet we could take a quick tumble right here on the bed."
"No! Never!" She was startled. "Bet we could."
"No. Let me go."
"If I do, how about tomorrow night? Fan's working then. I want you to come home for supper."
"I'll try to."
"Nope. I want a promise."
A promise? What was a promise? That couldn't hold in a situation like this. She could make a promise and then change her mind. Why not? Fan might stay in the kitchen for an hour, or she might not.
"All right, I promise." The words came easily. "Now let me go."
"Tomorrow night, you come home for supper. Is that right?"
"Yes. I'll come home."
"Fair enough, but I hate to let these go."
He looked at her, his hands almost covering her breasts. He moved them around. Noel thought he was-never going to let them go, but he finally did. He dropped his hands and stepped back, then raised his head and stood listening.
"Fan's heading this way," he said suddenly. "Yon better fix up your dress."
She did, and she did so in a hurry, stepping away from the door.
Fan knocked, then she opened the door and looked in and smiled at them. "How are you two doing?"
"I'm not getting anywhere," Bill said. "How would I know how to handle a teen-age kid?"
Fan looked at her. "Well, Noel?"
"I'm tired, that's all," Noel answered, "Then I want you to get to bed early."
"I have to return a book to the library."
"That shouldn't take too long."
"No. Not too long," Noel said.
She left the house a few minutes later. She didn't have to return a library book. She wanted to get out, that was all. She wanted a chance to think, and she didn't believe it would be possible around Fan and Bill. Fan would look at her and worry, then look at Bill and her face would soften with compassion. Bill would look at Fan as though Ire idolized her, then he would scowl at her daughter. But tomorrow night he meant to put Noel to bed.
Fan was wonderful, but blind.
Bill was evil, rotten to the core.
But what about her? What about Noel? She almost hated herself.
She headed for the corner where the gang usually gathered. Debby was there talking to Hugo Tennyson. Mary Riley was leaning against the wall of the drug store, staring at nothing. There were a few others, kids of her own age with nothing much to do. Dell Underbill seemed to be alone. She was short, and almost fat. She had stringy black hair, full lips, and from what was said, she knew her way around.
Noel joined her, and they stood talking until Vance Glasser appeared. At that point, Dell swung her attention to him and after a while they left, heading in the direction of the river.
Debby noticed them leaving, and called, "Careful, Dell. Don't get near the bushes."
"Isn't that where you go?" Dell shouted back.
Several laughed, but Noel didn't. She belonged to this group, yet in a way she felt alien to them, and as though she didn't fit in any more. Maybe that was because of Bill. She could pair off half a dozen couples who were going steady, or more or less steady. Then, there were the loners, the unattached. She had always been a loner. In a way, she was still a loner, but not in truth. Bill Eberling loomed above her like a dark cloud. Bill Eberling, her stepfather, her mother's husband, a man of forty. He was supposed to have a weak back but that didn't slow him down when he was in bed.
She shook her head positively. This" was a wrong thing that Bill was doing. This was wrong for her. Tomorrow night she was supposed to go home to Bill. She had promised she would, but she hadn't meant it. And she wouldn't.
Joe Banning came back to the drug store from a delivery, but he stopped when he saw her, and he said, 'We've been missing each other. How about tonight?"
"I've got to go home tonight," Noel answered. "Fan thinks I need more sleep."
Joe laughed. "I've heard that story all my life. 'You need more sleep. You need more rest. You're a growing boy and a growing boy needs-' Nuts!"
"I know. Parents are like that."
"How soon do you have to get in?"
"No set time. A reasonable hour."
"Then stick around."
"Why?"
"We could walk to the river and back."
"You'd want to stay."
"A little while, maybe,"
"How about tomorrow night?"
"I'm not sure about tomorrow night. Can't you stick around a while tonight? I'll be through in fifteen minutes."
Noel shrugged. "I'll think about it."
She did think about it, vaguely. It wasn't hard to figure out what Joe wanted. A little time in the narrow park along the river, some heavy loving, and a tumble if he could manage that. Hugo would take her to the park for the same reason. Or Chuck Wales. Or any of the other guys.
She shook her head and she thought, I'm not about to take a tumble in the park. I can't ever change what'? happened, I can't wipe out what Bill did, but I don't have to take any more either. Not from Bill. Not from anyone.
She meant that, very definitely, but she didn't want to go home yet. She didn't want to get there until Bill and Fan were ready for bed. She didn't want to bo lectured. At least Joe wouldn't lecture her. When he finished his work in the drug store and came outside, she joined him and they headed for the river.
"I told you I couldn't stay," she told him. "I've got to get home."
"All right, we'll get home." He didn't seem worried. "We won't stop in the park very long."
Her lips twitched. "Then you won't get very far, will you?"
"Why do you say that?"
"I was just warning you."
"We'll have other nights."
"Sure."
"Tonight we'll just get started."
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know. You're trying to write out what will happen. How do I know what will happen?"
"I do," Noel said. "But don't worry. You might do much better with the next, girl you meet."
He turned and scowled at her. "What's the matter with you, anyhow? You didn't used to act like this."
"Maybe I didn't, but maybe I'm older."
"Not much older."
"Then wiser, Joe."
"Yeah? Which guy did that?"
She shook her head and smiled. At least no one would ever guess who had introduced her. Bill wouldn't boast, nor would she. This was a secret she would keep forever.
They reached the park on the river. It should have been crowded for the night was still warm, but a good many people avoided the park after dark. It wasn't supposed to be a safe place to spend the evening. Joe didn't seem to worry about that, however, and it didn't occur to Noel that this was a dangerous place to be. Besides, she didn't mean to stay very long.
They sat down on the grass, in the shadow of a clump of shrubbery. They had companions here and there, several dark, indistinct figures. They heard whisperings, giggles. From some couples there was silence.
They sat down, but Joe pulled her to the ground, pulled her into his arms, and started kissing her.
She had expected that, she had expected more. This was the pattern to be followed. Passionate kisses, then fumbling hands working over, her clothes, a pressure of body against body, and if you could manage, if you could work past the clothes, you went all the way.
Noel didn't mean to go that far. The kissing was all right. The fumbling hands were all right too, so long as they didn't go too far. She was asking herself a vague question. Why was she here? Why had she come to the park with Joe Banning? He was all right but she certainly didn't love him. She didn't love anyone. Chuck Wales? She had let him go about as far as anyone could without going all the way, but she wasn't in love with him. So, if she felt that way about Joe, why was she here?
A possible answer crossed her mind. She was here to wipe out the misery of what Bill had done to her.
Maybe that was true. Bill had taken her but she didn't belong to him, and she never 'would. He was older. Joe was of her own crowd. With Joe, more than with Bill, was where she belonged, but not to go all the way. Not until she wanted to. Not until she had to, of her own choice.
She was using her head. At least, she thought she was.
Joe was kissing her, and he was really good at that; his kiss was passionate. In just a little while she was out of breath, and she broke away, but he closed in again, and that was very exciting, being kissed like this.
Bill never kissed her.
But Joe seemed to love kissing and the way he did that was all right. His hand was getting busy, too, across her breasts, very lightly at first, then more positively, curving around one breast, then the other. She knew the instant when he started unbuttoning her blouse. She felt his hand creeping under the cloth of her brassiere. He brushed over one of the nipples and a shot of excitement ran through her body.
She thought, I'm going to want him but I've got to stop him.. I'm never going to be loved in a park.
Her brassiere was impeding his hand and he raised his head and said, "Clothes. I hate them."
"You mean you hate them sometimes, like now."
"Yes. Like now."
"You can't undress in a public park."
"Maybe not all the way, but part way." She shook her head. "Not tonight, Joe." His hand was already under her dress, sliding on her leg.
"More clothes," Noel said. "They can be taken off."
"Not tonight, Joe."
"I don't see why not."
"Can I tell you why?"
"Sure, but-"
"This is all right-this far. But this is all. I made a promise to myself, once, never to love in a park, or in a car, or in a back yard or on a roof." .
"Lots of people do in the park."
"But I don't."
"I don't see why not."
"Get a bed, Joe."
"A bed? Where am I going to get a bed?"
"I don't know."
"I think you're crazy."
"Maybe I am."
He leaned over, started kissing her again and that prowling hand under her skirt began to get somewhere. She was getting more and more excited. She was almost at some limit, and she knew that, and if this was going to be a frustrating experience to Joe she was sorry.
He raised his head to speak, and his voice was low and imploring, "Noel! I've got to-"
He moved his hand, reached for the top of her panties and started pulling them down. But he didn't get far. Noel didn't help. She lay flat on the grass, holding the panties where they were, and she said, "No, Joe. Never like this."
"Noel, I've got to."
"No."
"Please, Noel."
"No. Not tonight, Joe."
They didn't end the evening on a very good note. Joe seemed half angry, cheated. He stalked beside her as they walked home, and he didn't say much. He didn't kiss her when he left her, he didn't even squeeze her arm. He just turned away and left.
Noel watched him from the door, and in a way she was uneasy. She told herself that the evening had been a failure. That wasn't right to start something, then back out. That wasn't right that she had enjoyed herself while Joe hadn't. That had happened before when she was protecting herself, but circumstances had changed. She knew the score. She had gone all the way. And if you have, that wasn't right to tease a man and then back out. Next time she went out with Joe- But that probably wouldn't happen. He wouldn't waste any time on her.
Fan and Bill were still up, watching TV, when she went inside, and both frowned at her.
Fan said, "I thought you wanted to get to sleep early."
"I just got to talking to some of the kids," Noel answered. "It's not very late."
"Why don't you sleep late?" The woman smiled. "It's nice of you to get up every morning and have breakfast with me. But sleep if you can."
"I like to get up early," Noel said. "I wish you wouldn't worry about me."
"But I do, and I suppose I always will. Come over and kiss me good night."
She did. Fan wasn't overly demonstrative but she clutched at Noel and held her tightly for a moment. She made a low comment. "I'm a very lucky woman to have a daughter like you."
"I'm a lucky girl to have a mother like you," Noel said.
Over her head Noel was looking toward Bill. He had stopped watching the TV and was staring at her, a wide grin on his face. She couldn't have guessed what he was thinking.
In another moment she turned away, toward her bedroom, but Fan called after her. "I do wish you'd sleep in the morning."
"I'll try to," Noel answered.
"Now say good night to Bill."
She turned her head in his direction. "Good night, Bill."
He waved his hand casually. "Good night, kid. And listen to your mother. A little more sleep wouldn't hurt you a bit."
Noel walked on to her bedroom and the moment she got there she set the alarm clock for seven in the morning. It wasn't always easy to get up when the alarm rang. Quite often she was sleepy and tired, and it would have been wonderful to stay in bed. But she didn't want to be caught by Bill, either. So she had to get up every week day. She had to get up and get away.
She didn't go to sleep right away. It was rather strange, but she didn't spend any time at all thinking about Joe Banning. The ugly triangle was on her mind. The triangle made up of Bill, Fan, and herself. How was she going to get out of it In some way or other she had to. She loved her mother, loved her deeply-And Fan loved her, but she loved Bill even more. Bill was her man and she needed him. Noel could destroy Bill to save herself but in the process Fan would be crushed. That would never be fair. She loved her mother too much to think about it.
She thought and thought but her mind was going in a circle. It was a long time before she went to sleep.
She woke up the next morning, startled, shocked, aware all at once that Bill was on her bed with her, cradling her in his arm, and she stiffened, gasped and then whispered, "Fan!!"
The man laughed. "Fan? That's not my name. I'm Bill, remember?"
"But Fan?"
"She's already gone to work. She even woke me up to tell me to be ciuiet so you could sleep."
When she first woke up all she could think of was that it was morning and that Bill shouldn't be here because Fan was here. But if Fan was gone-
Was that possible? Was Fan gone? Why hadn't she awakened when the alarm rang? She couldn't have been so sleepy she wouldn't have heard the alarm.
She was still trying to understand what had happened and she said, "The alarm. I should have heard the alarm."
"Your maw turned that off," Bill said. "She came in here after you went to sleep, turned off the alarm. She said she was sure you would forgive her."
"Then she's gone."
"Yep. Fan's gone. And here we are, you and me."
He pulled her close, held her tightly in his arms, his arms around her, his hands at her breasts She was entirely nude. She slept that way. If Bill used pajamas he wasn't wearing them now.
She would stay right here where she was, and she would let Bill do whatever he wanted. She had been caught, and there was no escape.
He had loosened his arms slightly and both of his hands were at her breasts, rolling them around, ruffing them.
He spoke confidently. "You're gonna like this. You're gonna want me every morning."
Noel didn't answer but she told herself, Never again! If I have to run away-
He spoke again. "You know, I'm pretty good in the morning. There's nothing like a session in the morning. That's the best way there is to start the day. How do you like this?"
He was still rolling her breasts, mashing them down, pushing them together. Noel tried, desperately, not to think about what he was doing. She shook her head. "I wish you wouldn't. I don't like this at all."
"You're crazy, kid. You love this."
"I keep thinking about Fan."
"Fan? Why? This isn't hurtin' her any."
"But she's your wife."
"Sure she is. Mighty good wife, too. Good in bed when she's not tired. But this doesn't have anything to do with Fan. This isn't going to hurt her."
"If she found out-"
"Who's gonna tell her? Quit thinking, kid. Start feeling. Let me give you a rule about love, one that's pretty important. When you get onto a bed with a guy, stop thinking, and don't do anything but react. That's the ticket, kid. Listen to your emotions."
"I-I can't."
"Sure you can. Try."
"I don't want to."
"That's your head talking.-I said react, don't do nothing else. Look at what I'm doing. Let yourself go."
"No, I can't."
He laughed easily. "You're gonna get there. Don't worry. You did pretty well first time we tried. You'll do a lot better this morning. Just wait and see."
She looked up at the ceiling, thought about Fan and tears filled her eyes. She closed them tightly, tried not to think, tried not to feel. But that was impossible. Bill had changed position. One arm had been under her shoulders but he drew that away and now his head was at her breast.
He raised his head. "These are coming along fine. We're gonna build 'em up, kid."
She was getting excited. She hadn't wanted to, she had fought, but this was a losing battle, and she knew that. She had planned never to be caught like this but she had been tricked, and here she was, once more in bed with Bill. She didn't want to enjoy this and in her mind she wouldn't, but that seemed impossible to control the reaction of her emotions. Strains of excitement were running through her body. Her heart was working faster, her blood was pounding harder. She was getting short of breath.
One of his hands shoved along her body just as that had the first time and that hand of his was where that shouldn't be. But what a wonderful feeling that gave her. She moved, twisting her body. She hadn't wanted to react, this way but she couldn't help herself.
Bill raised his head. He had felt the movement of her body and he said, "So you like that, huh? I knew you would."
She had stopped fighting her feelings. Why should she any more? She wouldn't change things at all if she tried to choke off her emotions. What was happening was an unchangeable fact. She couldn't shut her eyes to that, and she probably couldn't turn off her emotions.
She was twisting with the movements of his body. She was building up a storm. No, the storm was already there. This was the top right now, and she let go and that was like everything going to pieces, falling apart.
A high, grand moment, and she wished that could go on and on.
That was wrong, and horrible, but wonderful.
Bill rolled away and lay beside her, and finally he said. "Well kid, how was that? Pretty good, huh?"
She didn't answer. Her eyes were still closed. She felt calm, relaxed, almost sleepy, and she didn't want to talk.
But Bill did. Bill liked to talk. She was on her back and now he put one of his hands on her breasts possessively, and said, "Kid, we're gonna have a great day. We've got all morning, all afternoon, and all evening. You're gonna get tumbled like no one ever got tumbled before. This is a day you're gonna remember."
She still didn't answer but she thought, All day. No, I can never take this all day. I've got to get away.
He spoke again. "It's still early. We'll stay here for a while, maybe then we'll get breakfast. And after that, know what?"
She could guess what he was thinking.
"Breakfast, then back to bed," Bill said, and he laughed. "You may not get much rest, but you're gonna get bedded."
She stirred uneasily, then she spoke. "I've got to go to the bathroom."
"Sure. Go ahead."
She rolled away, got up, and walked to the bathroom and tried to plan. It was still in her mind that she had to get away. A day with Bill was more than she could stand. When she left here now the thing to do was get dressed, and walk out. Maybe she couldn't just do that, but she could say she was going to the kitchen to start the coffee. Some of the washing was in a basket in the kitchen. That would take care of her underclothes. And most likely Fan would have ironed a dress for her. That would be hanging in the kitchen. Yes, she could get away if she was smart, and she would.
She got up, looked at herself in the mirror. Her breasts were a little pinker than usual. They would be worse if she didn't leave. And what did he mean about building them up? Did that help a girl's breasts if they were manhandled? Some of the girls said so, but she doubted them. Anyhow, her breasts were doing all right. They were large enough already.
She left the bathroom, walked toward the bed. She really didn't look bad and she knew that. He turned back the sheet which covered him. "All right, kid. I'm just about ready for you."
"I thought I'd start the coffee," she answered.
"It's all ready. Fan made a pot while you were still sleeping. We'll have some after while. There's no hurry."
"Then I ought to see that it doesn't boil away."
"It's automatic. It won't boil away and it doesn't need to be warmed."
"I could make sure it's safe."
"We're just wasting time, kid."
She could find some excuse to go to the kitchen. She could get away if she wanted to and she could stay away. But what about tomorrow morning?
If she ran away, what would happen tomorrow morning?
She could predict almost exactly what would happen.
She would go to bed tonight after setting the alarm to awaken her in the morning, but after going to sleep Mther Fan or Bill would come in and shut off the alarm lever. Fan would do that to insure that she got more sleep. Bill would do that to keep her on tap for the morning. Whatever the reason, she would oversleep and would wake up with Bill at her side.
If she stayed home she was trapped. There was no way to escape.
If she ran away, Fan would never understand. She would hurt her terribly.
She couldn't stay home, she couldn't run away. Any way you looked, the situation was impossible.
Bill was up on one elbow. "What's wrong, kid? What's the matter?"
"I'm thinking about Fan."
"Fan? Why worry about Fan? She's happy enough. She's got you and she's got me. What could be any finer?"
"But you and me-"
He laughed at her. "This is just something extra, something for you and me to enjoy. What we do doesn't hurt Fan a bit. I'm a lucky guy-two women in my family. I'm gonna keep this that way. Now are you gonna get in bed or do I have to go after you?"
She hesitated. She could still make some excuse, go to the kitchen, get away, but what would that amount to, really? If she got away today Bill would have her again tomorrow morning. Actually, there was no way to escape. She was trapped, beautifully trapped.
"Come on, kid," Bill said. "I'm getting impatient. Like I said, in the mornings I'm pretty good."
She knew she should have turned away but she didn't. Instead, she took one more step, to the bed. She had one guilty twinge, but that was all. Bill pulled her into his arms, rolled her onto her back, and settled his head to her breasts, and once more a tingle of excitement ran through her body.
She thought, Here I go again. And I will again, and again. From now on I'll be like this, maybe every week day morning, and a' good many afternoons and evenings when Fan is away. This will become a regular part of my life. I'll be almost like a wife.
He was still kissing her breasts. He would keep that up for a time, then that hand of his would reach out and she would stop thinking altogether.
But through her mounting excitement she could still do a little thinking and she realized that when she went to bed tonight she would alter one of her habits.
Tonight, she would not set the alarm clock.
And tomorrow morning, when she awoke, she wouldn't be alone.
This was to be her life, from now on. This was to be her lot, and if that was the case, she might as well enjoy herself.
Her laugh was a little shaky, but she laughed.