Chapter 5
Melody F. was proud to be a Navy Nurse. The job filled almost every need she required. As a child, the dream of helping the sick and the suffering was with her night and day. At the Navy hospital in the Phillipines, that dream was being realized. She moved quickly and easily among the unfortunates, saying a kind word to them while she performed all her tasks with alertness and exceptional skill.
While stationed at the base she met a Naval Officer, five years younger than herself. Their passionate affair culminated in marriage. Her husband was aboard ship for about six months of the year. The other six months he remained on the base. His absences and subsequent returns only made their marriage more intense. She had everything in life that she ever wanted.
Then the bubble burst. Melody began to have doubts about the marriage. The main problem was that her husband laughed at her desire to help people. While home, he called her a "bleeding heart" and various other names designed to show his contempt for people like her.
When I interviewed her, she was obviously distraught but she was happy to confide in someone. Her husband was on sea duty and would be away for the next three weeks.
"I know you are interviewing me to gather information on my sexual indescretions. But, please, let me tell you why it happened otherwise I will not be able to live with myself.
"Eddie, my husband, is brave and manly and I love him more than anyone else on earth. But my job in the hospital is also important to me. The sick and the suffering, who I help everyday, also have my complete love.
"When I see a Filipino child who has been severely hurt I know that I can ease his pain, then, my life seems worthwhile. I know why I have been put on earth and there is meaning to my existence.
"Eddie does not realize this. Before our marriage it never occurred to me that he would hold my work in contempt. But, of course, we were so much in love that we never spoke about such matters. Our days and nights were spent in the exploration of each other's body.
"It was his contempt which drove me to an illicit affair. And it was my love for children which drove me to a perverse relationship with the young boy. Eddie knows about this. But he doesn't really care and this is what is most frightening. He considers it amusing that I should be forced into such an affair. He thinks it is because I was deprived of his body while on sea duty. Eddie is not even angry at me.
"Do you see why I am frightened. I know that I have sinned horribly and I have to justify my actions."
The more her husband denigrated her work, the more hours Melody put into the hospital. She worked until she could hardly stand, as if by her energy, she could prove to her husband that what she did was the most wonderful and most important work a human being could perform. But it was no use. Eddie would never change. It was just as she was realizing this that she met 'Tex". This thirteen year old boy, an orderly in the hospital, had been given that nickname by an American sailor. He had been working at the hospital only a few months but because of his personality and skills, had been moved into Melody's ward. It was a promotion and he was very proud.
Immediately, a strange bond developed between the young Filipino boy and the thirty-four year old nurse. It was a bond based on the fact that they were both born healers. Both of them wanted nothing more out of life than the chance to serve.
It was inevitable, perhaps, that this bond which was based on a deep-seated emotional similarity, would turn into a sexual alliance. Melody described the first time that she became aware of the subtle growth of an erotic interest.
"Tex had brought a new sense of purpose into my life. For the first time, I was working with someone, even though he was a child, who really respected me and wanted to pattern his life after me.
"One day we were in the ward together bandaging a burned patient. It was a young girl who had been caught in the flames of her burning hut and brought to the base hospital because of our advanced techniques. It was a delicate job and Tex was, as usual, an efficient helper. Then, he handed me a strip of gauze. Accidentally, my hand brushed against his. Instead of pulling it away, I let it rest against his hand. We stood there in that manner for only a minute. But during that minute, I experienced a feeling that was unique. How can I describe it? Well, let me say this. My sexual life with my husband is quite fulfilling.
But it is basically animalistic. When I touched that child's hand, I realized for the first time that there is another erotic realm which is based on gentleness and a shared mission in life. Anyway, we continued our work and not a word was said about that incident.
"A week later, our strange relationship took a different turn.
"Tex had to supply the ward with clean linens which were kept in a small linen closet at the head of the hallway. One afternoon, I needed a clean pillow case. I walked into the closet and to my surprise, found him there, crouched in a corner like a frightened animal. The child was weeping.
"He heard me and turned around. He lunged forward and threw himself into my lap. I did not know what to do but I tried my best to comfort him. Again and again I asked him what was the matter and why he was crying. Finally, he dried his eyes and recovered enough to talk. The poor boy had been crying because he felt he was unworthy of me. Can you imagine that? He looked upon me as some sort of angel of mercy who could do no wrong.
"I told him that I had many faults and that he was as good as I. But this would not assauge his guilt. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. Why I did that I do not really know. Perhaps it was just the affection of an older woman for a child. Or perhaps it was that I saw in him an image of my childhood.
"The moment, however, I kissed him, the dam seemed to burst and all the submerged feelings which had been buried in my subconscious, surfaced. My lips sought his. I drank in his feverish lips. The child moaned but he made no effort to escape from my grasp. He was wearing a simple tunic which all the orderlies wore, and I quickly stripped it from his body. In the dim light, his brown flesh was a beautiful color. He looked like a small animal that had been surprised in his lair by some predator.
"He began to shiver as my hands roamed his naked body. I kept whispering to him not to worry, I kept assuring him that we were one flesh, one ideal, one great love of suffering mankind. My lips pressed against his stomach. Slowly, I was drawn to his growing maleness which was like a magnet to the psyche. Then, I arrived there. I do not know what came over me. But all I could think of was that delicate sliver of flesh which was waiting for me. And I opened my mouth and to the child's shock, I devoured that shy, trembling flesh.
"While engaged in that manner, my hands moved behind him and grasped his buttocks, feeling the life moving through his flesh and muscles. He was babbling all the time but he had lapsed into his native dialect and I did not understand a word he was saying. Nor did I care to for I was utterly swept up in a passion that was the strongest of my life. The child, whose maleness was growing to great size and wisdom between the twin gates of my love, was the one person in the world who bore the same love that I bore for the hundreds of suffering souls lying in their beds of pain.
"It grew in my lips. Like the most precious fruit which was beginning to explode in the fertility of spring, it grew and increased until the child had become a man. I could not get enough of the flesh. I could not get enough of its distinctive smell and taste. I wanted to stay there forever, with the erect weapon my only sourse of food.
"The child's tip grew inflamed under my juicy treatment and for the first time, his fingers played along the nape of my neck. Just the touch of his brown fingers sent my tongue into a flurry of increased activity.
"My mouth was a suction flower. Again and again the most precious tidbit in the world was sucked in and turned into an instrument for love. The child screamed. I knew what it was. Then the seed flooded me. Hot and wet, it turned my lips and tongue into a receptacle for his surging maleness. I wept then because that boy was the one person in the world who knew the smoldering flames which lodged beneath my desire to serve the unfortunate. He, more than anyone, knew that I was more than an angel of mercy, I was a woman who needed the erotic tenderness of a child more than I needed the animal lust of my husband.
"Then we both lay on the floor of the closet together. Neither of us said anything. There was nothing to say. We knew that somehow we had crossed a dividing line in our lives and there was no telling where our explorations would lead us. I felt a sense of calmness and quiet that was unique in my life. I felt as if I had just completed a miraculous job of nursing and the patient had lived against all odds.
"As we were lying there, I opened my uniform to show him my breasts. He looked at them but did not move. I pulled him close until they were near his mouth. Slowly they opened and fastened on my nipple. I stroked his head. There was no lust, then. It was just the contact between two souls who have found themselves in the jungle of life."
That night, however, Melody had a change of heart. She suddenly became burdened with an all-encompassing feeling of guilt.
During her actions with the boy in the linen closet, she had never thought of possible penalties. By penalties, Melody meant emotional penalties that become manifest in the form of guilt and mental debilitation. And it was just these that seemed to overpower her.
For the first time since she had been stationed at that base she did not go to the hospital. Melody could not face the child and she could not face herself. She longed for her husband. She longed for someone to confide in and to bare the innermost secrets of her soul. Melody was in the throes of an emotional turmoil that was so great, she could scarcely reason.
Two days passed and still she could not return to the hospital. But finally her desire overcame her guilt. She could not resist the temptation to once again be close to the boy's body; to once again feel that surging maleness as it emerged from its infantile state.
So, she returned to the hospital. The first meeting with Tex was quite awkward. The boy averted his eyes and a deep flush penetrated his brown skin. Melody greet him casually, trying to reestablish a working relationship. But the reciprocal passion was still there. Every moment they were together in the ward, both of them experienced the most profound sexual feelings. Melody, however, fought against them. She wanted time to assess the situation. She wanted to be able to conquer her feelings. Thus, a number of days passed before their next sexual contact. It was only logical that when they both came together again, it would be with a fury and passion they could not control.
It was late in the afternoon. The day had been a busy one, with many emergencies. Melody sat on the edge of an unused bed, sipping a cup of coffee and trying to fight the fatigue which slowly overwhelmed her. She could see Tex on the other side of the ward, changing some bed linen. She lay back on the bed and pulled a blanket over her. Her eyes shut and she dozed. Melody described the following events to me:
"I fell asleep. It couldn't have been more than a few minutes when I felt a stirring and rustling on the bed, beside me. I opened my eyes. Tex had crawled underneath the blanket to be with me.
"It was tragic that some fool had named the boy Tex. Never has a nickname so ill-fitted a child. He should have been named after a god of the lagoon which sheltered his ancestors. He should have been named after one of those earth spirits which his people worship.
"But there he was. Beneath the blanket. And his hot hands were pulling at my uniform and gradually removing it. Soon my thighs were naked. And then my buttocks. The child was working with a fury that I had not thought him capable of.
"I did not fight him. The moment his hands grazed my naked buttocks, I knew that I wanted him there more than anything else in the world. I wanted the child to be flesh of my flesh, and a perpetual vehicle for my deep seated passion.
"He was like an animal caught in a trap, expending great energy but not knowing what to do. Slowly, I spread my legs beneath the blanket. The child understood.
"He pressed his lips to the insides of my thighs. I shivered as they touched me. They began to move up the slope of the thigh, burning and soothing, a child's passion brought to the most intense fruition. Up and up they went, inexorably, as if his lips contain a radar device that was programmed for that most precious part of me.
"Wider I spread my legs, to guide his mouth to its objective. Then his lips touched the lips of my womanly gate. It was only a light touch, they only grazed me, yet, at that moment, the lights in the ward seemed to flicker and my whole being was starting to move toward its goal of youthful consummation.
"That touch drove the poor child into a frenzy. Now, he thrust his mouth violently again my opening, trying to show me without words that I was his only salvation. I called out to him quietly, encouraging him. And then, his tongue darted from his beautiful mouth, like a moth moving toward the flame, and penetrated me.
"Immediately, shivers of delight ran up and down my body. His tongue moved deeper and deeper. The child was not experienced but his raw lust made up for that. The walls of my vagina began to contract and expand as his virgin tongue lavished all of its affection within me. I moaned and cried and twisted but the child, having once gotten a taste of delights, would not relinquish his entry.
"His tiny hands thrust under my buttocks to raise me just an inch or two so that his mouth and tongue would be able to travel to unexplored parts and deposit their moisture within me.
"I closed my thighs about his head, exerting pressure and driving his tongue to even greater and more passionate activity. But then, even his tongue and mouth were not enough to satisfy me. I wanted his maleness. I wanted his complete body, joined to me in our great adventure.
"Pushing his head from between my legs, I pulled him on top of me. The child's eyes rolled wildly in his head. I could feel his arms. I could feel his chest. The joys of the moment had made the muscles contract and he presented a powerful and virile figure.
"His child-like qualities had become dissolved in the spectre of his awesome maleness, now poised between his legs like some godly dart which was about to descent to earth and impregnate a race of women.
"He was in me. The terrible but beautiful weapon slid in and immediately began to twist and turn with great lust. I was driven deeper into the cool sheets of the empty bed and beads of sweat appeared on my forehead. My hands and nails dug long channels in his pliant back, making him feel the wrath of a woman who was being impaled.
"His vibrant maleness went deeper and deeper, moving to the center of my very life, fulfilling every need that I have ever felt. We were like two ideas that had come together and been formed into flesh. This was the total beauty of my life. Never before and never again will I feel a maleness that reflected such love. I wept as he thrust. I moved my buttocks up to meet each challenge and soon we were together in that lustful joining.
"The tip of his flesh, quivering yet powerful, explored deeper than any man, and elicited strange stirrings within the depths of my body. Soon I felt as if I was on a wild horse that was carrying me deep into some forbidden cavern. And, as I found out, at the end of the cavern was a volcano. His body went into spasm and as that furious liquid poured into my channel, I exploded into a veritable kaleidoscope of feelings. My body seemed to be falling apart as I reached my climax.
"Then, exhausted, both of us transformed into totally new beings, we lay under the blanket. The heavy breathing of the patients in the ward a fitting backdrop for our efforts."
From that time on, the sexual alliance between nurse and the child became a regular affair. They could not hide it from the hospital staff but there was a certain innocence about the duo which prohibited intervention. Everybody knew and everybody, in a certain sense, approved. This was a tribute to Melody's and the boy's dedication to their patients. They both seemed to increase their efforts to maintain their reputation as an angel of mercy.
When Melody's husband found out, he was merely amused. The affair seemed to prove that the only way his wife could live when he was at sea was to have an affair. His ego was gratified and the child was too young even to make him feel like a betrayed husband.
During my interview with Melody, the affair was still in progress. But there were signs that it would shortly be terminated. Once again, Melody was suffering from guilt feelings which made her often unreceptive to the advances of the boy.
We have no information about the eventual outcome of this strange alliance. But, this case history is an excellent example of how a dedicated and humane woman can enter into a perverse sexual relationship because her sacrifices are not being appreciated. The fact remains that only the child knew that she was a woman of great depth. The fact remains that only the child knew that she had to be a nurse in order to survive as a person. It was this emotional alliance between the older woman and the child, rather than the sexual alliance, which makes this case so pathetic and in a strange way, so beautiful.