Chapter 8
Everyone envied Claire. Her husband was one of the youngest Admirals in the Navy. Her house, just outside one of the largest Naval Bases on the East coast, was beautifully furnished with wide, well-manicured grounds, and an exquisite statue garden. Her two children were both handsome and well-mannered. In short, Claire was, on the surface, living a life that many people aspire to.
But the reality was much different. At the age of thirty-seven, Claire had reached a point in her life where her material possessions only bored her. The endless parties at the Navy base and her husband's friends left her with an empty feeling and a growing sense of her own futility.
Whenever she discussed this growing feeling with her husband, all he could say was that she should develop some type of hobby to occupy her time. Claire recalled these conversations after their divorce:
"My husband completely misunderstood me. I didn't want a hobby. I was looking for a new form of life. I was looking for the same thing that many of the young people of today are looking for; a complete freedom of the body and mind, a chance to use my god-given talents for some purpose other than my own gratification."
Claire was a talented woman. She was an excellent horsewoman, a gourmet cook, well-read and curious, and the possessor of a trained analytical mind. But none of these qualities were being put to use. No wonder then, that her mind began to wander in forbidden channels, channels that would eventually split her marriage apart and bring the wrath of a military establishment down upon her.
As the weeks passed and this feeling of futility intensified, Claire began to look to the sexual life for some alleviation of her symptoms. She began to be much more demanding on her husband, wanting him night after night, asking him to perform certain acts which he considered perverse.
One night, as they were lying in bed together, his hand gently touching her bare thigh, she asked him:
"Why do you make love like an animal, swiftly and brutally? Why don't you approach my body with delicacy and sophistication?"
This was the first time she had ever questioned his love-making capacity. Her husband was furious. He felt that what she said was a terrible threat to his manhood. She assured him that this was not the case; she was merely interested in more experimentation.
"After all," she replied to his shock, "we are not children. We are adults to whom the marriage bed must be the most exciting place in our lives."
But all of her explanations were useless. Her words had created a breach. Claire knew that her husband's anger was always temporary so she did not really worry about it. Yes, this temporary breach in their affections was the most important cause for her lapse into an illicit relationship. Suddenly, she was free. Suddenly, she felt that the burden of marriage had been suspended for a while and the reason for the suspension was less important than the fact that it had happened during a crisis in her life.
She felt that fate had forced her to act in a manner that would increase her body and psychic liberation. We do not know why the vehicle for this liberation was a fourteen year old boy.
His name was Joseph and he worked as a busboy in the Officer's Club. Claire did not know his last name or where he had come from. All she knew that he was a half-breed, his mother was Negro and his father an American Indian.
No doubt, the fact that he was a half-breed made him exceptionally attractive to her. Being half Negro, he represented a people who had known great suffering. Furthermore, he had the best qualities of that heritage; strength and loyalty and a certain resignation before the things in this world which could not be changed.
The fact that he was part American Indian had a great effect on the mind of Claire. Being well-read, she was a fervent admirer of the Indian, having studied the great Indian civilizations of the Western Hemisphere, even being able to name a great many of the warrior chiefs who did not give up their lands to the white men without a great toll in lives and property.
Claire had always been interested in History and there can be no doubt that her love of this subject made the boy incredibly attractive to her as a representative of two great races, each of which had known great suffering and each of which had made great contributions to civilizations.
The ordinary person, looking at the young half-breed, would have undoubtably not been swayed by his ancestors. But it was this sensitivity which made Claire so unique. It was this sensitivity which made her dislike the material opulence which surrounded her and her family.
Her infidelity, her sudden leap into a strange and all-consuming passion for the boy, began one afternoon. She had been on the base to attend a ceremony and immediately after, she stopped in the Officer's Club for a cup of coffee and a sandwich.
Because it was so late, there was no one else in the club. Joseph served her even though usually a busboy was not allowed to take orders, only clean tables. But, the regular waiter was taking his afternoon "break" and Joseph was quite happy to serve the tall, beautiful woman whom he knew to be the Admiral's wife.
She gave him the order. Claire had seen the boy before on numerous occasions and they had a few discussions on his background. But it was that particular afternoon, that the passion overwhelmed her. Her description of her sudden revelation is interesting for two reasons. It shows the close ties between sexual feelings and religious revelations, and it points out key psychological motives in the older woman. Below is Claire's description of that moment:
"I gave him my order and he started to walk to the kitchen. I watched him. I specially watched his neck. Suddenly, I felt a weakness in the pit of my stomach as if a disease had suddenly entered my body and totally destroyed my will to survive. This lasted only a second. Then, an erotic wave seemed to flow over me, trying to drown me. I wanted to rush to him and press my lips against the sweet flesh of his neck. I wanted to run my tongue along his neck-line, tasting the salt of his sweat. The salt and pepper shakers on the table and the ketchup bottle suddenly took the appearance of what my subconscious viewed as the child's organ. I was like a porous piece of damp canvas that could only react to heavy and pointed thrusts. I reached out to grab his penis, and then I returned to reality; the salt shaker lying in the palm of my hand."
Claire was terribly shaken after that experience, even though it was so tatal it had to be somewhat pleasing. She did not wait for Joseph to return with her food. Instead, she left the money on the table and left the club quickly.
Once home, she sunk into a large chair in the living room trying to compose herself. Surrounding her were the various expensive things which signified her position. A shudder went through her. She contrasted the expensive surroundings with that one beautiful second when he walked from her and the line of his neck which elicited such an amazing reaction.
It was while seated in that chair that she vowed to follow her fortune to the end. She would have the boy. She would have that remarkable body which had penetrated her mind with a passion she had never before experienced.
The next afternoon, Claire returned to the Officer's club at the same time. Joseph was there. He walked to her, standing next to the table and waiting for her order. At no time did he mention her peculiar behavior of the previous day when she had left without eating. Claire could scarcely breathe. Just the boy's nearness to her exerted a profound passion in every sinew of her body. She gave him the order and he walked to the kitchen.
Claire, in spite of her age and sophistication, was now like a child. She did not know how to initiate the sexual encounter. Because of this, what happened next can be looked upon as an extremely juvenile approach, but Claire's state of mind at the time must be remembered.
Joseph came with the food and placed it on the table. Claire watched his every move. He was very handsome and virile. She wondered how much sexual experience he had. Even though he was young, she realized that the young girls on the base must have bothered him quite a bit. Joseph, she thought, must have stood out from the bland sons of the military men because of his dark complexion and passionate looks.
Claire picked up a fork in one hand. Instead of bringing it to the food, she raised one corner of the table cloth and dropped the fork under the table. Joseph looked at her perplexed.
"Please pick it up for me," she said, quietly but with the steely quality of a demon.
He just looked at her, not saying a word, his black eyes burning but noncommittal.
"The fork, it fell under the table. Please pick it up." She asked again.
Joseph went under the table. When his body was completely out of sight, she dropped the table cloth back to its original position. Claire describes what transpired next:
"I waited. The question was paramount in my mind.
Would he pick up the fork and come out immediately or would he feel the tremendous need I felt for him? Would he, in some way, be able to pick up the erotic signals which every fibre of my being was passing to him. The sweat hung in little beads from my forehead and my back was damp with perspiration.
"Very slowly, I began to spread my legs hoping he would understand. All I could hear was his heavy breathing. I knew he was trying to understand his situation. Then, in one glorious moment, I felt his hands pulling off my under garments. My thighs began to shake with anticipation.
"His hands rubbed against my naked object. He seemed, just with his hand, to reach the most profound essence of my womanhood. I steadied myself. I knew what would come next would be beautiful but dangerous.
"His face was between my legs. His lips began to kiss and nip the flesh on the inside of my thighs. Closer and closer his mouth was moving to the center of my life. I could scarcely wait. I could scarcely remain seated because I knew thousands of years of his ancestry was making the moment approaching beautiful. I thought of the nobly clad warriors and horsemen who were his forefathers, and the fact that their son, their own flesh and blood, was moving close to the most tender and fragile opening, almost made me lose consciousness.
"The lips met. Yes, his hot and fervent lips joined with the lips of my flower, sending a shock through my body and almost dissolving my will. Again and again he kissed me there, until I was weeping and murmuring strange words which I cannot even remember now.
"The chUd inserted his tongue. I became stiff. Deeper and deeper it went, like the lance of some Indian warrior. But the moment it began to move back and forth in my naked womanhood, to draw out those most preceious essences, all of the stiffness left. A terrible but overwhelming passion overcame me. The lust rolled like tidal waves through my body and I squirmed on the chair to help his tongue in that glorious penetration."
A remarkable incident. Immediately after leaving the club, Claire was almost overwhelmed with guilt and embarrassment. She had acted like a child. She had acted like a young girl who had lost all sexual control under the influence of one drink. She resolved to discontinue the relationship immediately. Thinking about Joseph, she said to herself that no conception of freedom could be worth such degrading behavior on her part.
But her well-intentioned decision did not last for long. Even that one incident of oral lovemaking had totally changed her attitude to the world.
"I realized I would have to continue with Joseph. I realized that I would degrade myself to whatever extent was needed to feel once again that tidal wave of free lust; that strange and total abandon that never had appeared in my life before. Could I afford to give it up? Could I stop because the child who provided me with that was only a few years older than my own son? No, I could not. I could not return to the life of boredom and materialism that only ate away at my soul like acid eating away fine jewelry."
So, after a few days, she returned to the club again. The moment Joseph saw her, their eyes met for a long time.
She knew what was in his eyes. She knew instantly that he had felt the same thing, though at a different level. He, too, was launching on a great venture, that had begun in the absurd way of retrieving a fork.
She ordered her food, her arms trembling and her voice breaking from nervousness. As he was taking the order, Joseph moved close enough so there shoulders touched. It was electric.
"Drop the fork," he said, "and I will get it for you."
Claire smiled at the boy, but she wanted something more satisfying than that. She knew that no one would be in the powder room and that there was a small leather couch in the smaller room adjoining it.
"Follow me," she said.
"But I cannot leave yet."
"Follow me," she ordered him, "there is no one in the club to check up on you."
The boy followed her. They both entered the small room adjoining the ladies powder room. Claire could not wait a second more. She was caught up in an uncontrollable passion. Like a bird of prey she ripped at his pants until they were open. There it was. There was what she had been waiting for. There was her freedom and her release from countless days of boredom and ennui. She grasped his maleness. It lay there, in her hand, like a wounded bird. She bent to it and lavished her lips and tongue upon it. The boy moaned and cried. Never in his short life had he experienced anything like what was happening to him. It grew under her ministrations. Muscles and sinews and flesh began to pulse and vibrate like a magic spell had been placed upon it. She held it and marvelled. It was beautiful. Before her eyes, and in her mouth and in front of her tongue, the inert maleness now exploded into a twisting, passionate tool.
She could not get enough of it. Her lips would not release it. It overwhelmed her. It totally destroyed her will and thus brought her the freedom of the body.
But even that was not enough. Here are Claire's own words:
"Finally, I led him to the couch and lay down on it. He hesitated, just a moment, his maleness in front of him, yearning and quivering.
"I held out my arms. I called to him, telling him he could not falter now for I had tasted the most precious part of him and now I must be filled by that which I had worked so hard and lovingly to excite. The child was a mystery. As he stood there, my body open for him, who could tell what was going through his mind? Who could decipher those thoughts?
"He came to me. He climbed on me. In my joy, I sunk my teeth into his beautiful flesh. My thighs called to his maleness. Then, in one great thrust the child became a man and his flesh entered me.
"I screamed, not from pain but from the supreme joy of a sexual freedom that was beyond description. We went together deeper into the waiting couch. My flower was being violated by that surging maleness, but I wanted more and more. His ancestors were in me. All the torment of a thousand years were concentrated in the red tip of that young savage.
"He crushed me into the leather. His tongue went crudely into my mouth taking my breath away. I kept bringing my buttocks up violently, to meet his glorious plunges. It went in and in, until the furthest reaches of my womanhood. Each thrust made my body sing a song of absolutely joy. The cylinder of love bored through me, and it would not stop.
"It grew within me. It grew to maturity. I felt every fibre of its being. The boy's breath came heavier and a strange sound came from his throat and chest, almost a war cry that his ancestors sung when they were ready for the kill. Then, in one great spasm, a cascade of seed poured into me, leaving us devastated on that leather couch, our minds empty and our bodies singing with the glories of maleness and womanhood joining."
That incident was only the beginning. In the days and months that followed, the Admiral's wife and the young, half-breed busboy set the base on fire with their passion. Nothing was forbidden between them, nothing was not attempted. Their relationship went beyond the sexual. They spent much time together reading and talking. She found Joseph to be unlettered but possessing a curiosity and a love of learning that matched hers.
As, in most of these cases, her husband was the last to find out. But when he made the discovery, his rage knew no bounds. Joseph was fired from the Officer's club and hounded off the base with many threats against his life. He immediately began divorce proceedings against his wife, not caring even to hear her explanation.
Claire did not really care about the divorce but she did want him to know the reasons for her indescretions. Finally, unable to speak with him rationally, she sent him a letter which he never answered. She did not contest the divorce. Her husband used all his influence to obtain the children and after a long court fight he was successful. Claire left that part of the country, heartsick over the idea of losing her children, but still determined to explore that new-found thing called "freedom".
During our interview, she was not optimistic that she could find an alternative life to the one she had been used to. But her last words to me, before I left, were quite revealing:
"To find Freedom is Utopian; to look for it is necessary. If it can be found in the organ of a young half-breed boy, then one must not avoid the child. Do you understand me? Do you understand the anguish in my life which must be eased?"
I told her that I understood and wished her luck. Seldom has so brave and lovely a woman lost everything so quickly and brutally. We can only pray that she will survive.