Chapter 14
I met L. in a cheap Greenwich Village Cafe. He sat at my table without an invitation and began speaking in a quick, almost desperate tempo: "He threw me out, he just threw me out. That stinken fag. That's gratitude, isn't it. I gave him a year of my life. But I'm glad I'm free. I hate those fags. He gave me all the money I wanted, all the girls I wanted, all the Movies and clothes, but still I hated him."
L. looked very young but there was a certain streak of cynicism in him that seemed to show up in the small lines on his face.
"Where are you staying now?" I asked him.
"Nowhere, lady, that's why I am talking to you. I need a place to stay. For a day, only a day, till I get on my feet."
I took him home. That first night we slept in separate bedrooms. The next morning when he came out, he found me waiting for him, with a prepared breakfast. He sat down and began to eat as if he had not had a meal in weeks.
"You cook pretty well," he said, after he had stuffed himself.
I smiled and said nothing.
"What's your angle?" He asked, looking like and sounding like the tough, know-it all boy of seventeen he tried to be.
"Must I have an angle?" I replied.
"Oh, come off it lady."
Watching him, listening to his cynical remarks, I knew there and then I wanted him to stay, more than anything I have ever wanted in my life.
"Do you really want to know what my angle is, as you call it?"
"Sure," he said, "shoot!"
"I am a thirty-five year old career woman and I have only one passion in life." I hesitated.
"Which is?" He pressed me.
"Which is the seduction of young boys."
He was startled. I could see that I had reached below his rough exterior. I had shocked him.
But he pulled himself together and poured another cup of coffee.
"Look lady," he said, "you do what you're happiest at."
"Well, thank you for being so liberal," I replied, "but I told you that because I am interested in you."
He looked up from the coffee, very shrewdly. "I told you lady, I'm expensive."
"And I'm prepared to pay."
I don't know what there was about him, but whatever it was, it was overpowering.
"Do you have any luggage?" L. nodded: "I have a few suitcases in a locker at the bus station."
I gave him a ten dollar bill and put him into a cab.
It was a gamble, I knew, but I had to do it in order to test L. at the outset. The minutes dragged by and I suffered terribly.
Finally, the knock at the door came. I ran to it. L. was standing there with two valises and a broad smile on his face.
"You don't get any change lady."
"I don't want any. Look, take your two bags and put them in my bedroom."
He looked toward my bedroom but he didn't move. "What's the matter?"
L. smiled at me and began to remove his shirt.
"I think we ought to try each other out before this continues. After all, you got a lot of experience with young boys and maybe I'm just not your type."
Soon, he was naked in front of me. I walked around him, inspecting him as one would inspect a horse. He accepted the inspection without shame or interest. "You have a beautiful body," I told him. Then I turned away from him, waiting for him to dress.
What happened next happened very quickly. I felt his powerful young arms around my neck and shoulders.
"You need more than just looking at my body. You need to feel my cock."
His words sent a chill of expectation through my body. I tried to break free, but he would not let me go and he rubbed his erect cock against my buttocks. I let my hand move down his legs and even with the fabric covering it, I could feel its immense power.
"I can't wait," he said, urgently.
I said nothing more but in answer to his plea, I lay down on the floor and let him strip my body. Then, I spread my legs wide and called to the young boy. My fingers entwined themselves in his luxurious hair just as his cock tore into my cunt.
Deeper and deeper it went. I was in a whirlwind of lust. Its tip drove into my flower, extracting the most sophisticated passionate tremors.
My thighs wrapped around him, pulling that cock in, even deeper, until in one great cataclysmic heave, he shot his burning love juice into my body and it drank up the liquid.
"I think we're gonna get along well. Just don't try and take away my freedom."
That was the beginning of our sexual adventure, an adventure that grows in intensity and loyalty during every passing moment.
It was during our second sexual encounter that I really understood L.'s magnificence, that I felt for the first time that he was the child of the future, possessor of a man's body, but still able to experiment and maintain the curiosity of a child.
We were lying on the bed together. My hands were on his chest.
"Feel me," he said.
I dug my hands into him, letting my fingers drink up the magnificent cock which lay there like a quiet savage, waiting for the battle to begin.
I spread my legs, calling for him, but he just lay there.
"Please," I called to him.
But L. laughed and spread his legs. I knew he wanted to have me climb on him. I threw myself on him but he was too quick. Before I could regain my balance, he was on top of me and his cock was plunging between my buttocks, sending me deep into the bed.
He continued driving that weapon into me, until he thought I was pliable, then he turned me over and drove his cock so deep and so far and with such incredible beauty into my cunt, that I lost consciousness for a moment. His tongue, hot and beautiful, brought me around once it plunged between my lips.
My thighs rose to meet his thrust. L. beat me as he drove his cock deeper and deeper. His teeth were making savage forays into my naked breasts. I moaned as the juices began to build in my body and then I went limp as the orgasm flooded my body.
But L. had not yet loosed his seed and I grasped his cock beneath my arm, in that secret moist place and let him fuck my armpit, until the seed poured over my body. I caught the seed like some wine-intoxicated Greek maiden and rubbed it into every opening and crevice of my body.
L. was and is expensive, but his whims are the whims of a child and I do not have the heart to keep them from him. On certain occasions, L. will conduct an affair with some young girl in the neighborhood, but this I expect and want for he will always return to my mature body. As completely as he has captured me, so, also, have I captured his penis, which has the initials of my teeth welded to it.
This was the change I have spoken of. This is the change in my life. For the first time since the perversion burst upon me, I have dedicated myself to being faithful to one child.
Yes, there is a new element in my life and this element is fidelity.
Often, when I am lying with L., his luscious cock at the gates of my body or gathering moisture from the tip of my tongue, I wonder what the future will hold.
Perhaps someday I will return to the promiscuity of my past life or go back even further, to the time when I was not interested in young boys.
But that is too far to look ahead. Right now, I have L. and that is all I want out of life.
For now, though, it is enough to know that a certain cock is ready for me when I wish it. Though L. has come to dominate me, still it is due mainly to my reverence for his maleness, which I find without peer.
I have written all that can be written. To those who condemn me-I hold up the sublime happiness I have now achieved. To those who support me-I hold up the months of anguish that I suffered.
Whatever the future holds, if it is not cast in the form of love, in the form of the human body, then it is futile.
We have now seen what that change she spoke of in the past chapter consisted of. For the first time she has decided to set up a regular arrangement with one of her lovers.
The clinical psychologist must ask one crucial question. Is this arrangement a step toward her cure or is it a step backwards into a life which will be even more bizarre and overwrought?
The answer to this question lies in our analysis of L's character. For the most part we will have to rely on her description, keeping in mind various lies she has told in the past in order to protect her subconscious.
First, L. is a child only in chronological age. In all his physical aspects, he is a man. In the number of sexual experiences he has had, he is obviously far ahead of his age group, both in the homosexual and heterosexual field.
In fact, there is only one area in which L. can be considered a child and that is his sudden lapses into petulance, his sudden childish temper tantrums and his often overplaying of the part he has assumed as a tough guy and as a young man of the world.
Isn't the reader struck by the oddness of the fact that our narrator, after all her sexual experiences, would be drawn to an unsavory character like L.?
She chose L. for a good reason. That young man is the closest to her desperate but idealized version of her father. L. is, in fact, her notion of her own father as lover. It is only a father with L.'s qualities that she can bear as a lover-her father as a vicious young man. Thus, she has accepted in her subconscious the idea of incest, but only if the father-figure is the possessor of certain character strengths and faults.
The reader can now understand that she is on her way to be cured. If everything goes as it has gone, it would be safe to predict that her relationship with L. will break up, and she will be able to accept her incestuous feelings and with the help of a psychotherapist, dissolve them so that once again she could be attracted to men of her own age.
There is, of course, always the danger that her relationship with L. will be terminated prematurely. If that happens, there is a good chance that permanent psychic damage will occur and she may never be able to recover her normality.
There is nothing to be done but to wait and see.
No matter the outcome, the whole psychological profession and discipline must be eternally grateful to this solitary woman who bared her innermost thoughts in order to shed light on certain depravities of the human soul.