Chapter 6
Like a dog. Those were his words and that's what I was, like a dog, like a bitch with her ass in the air for the other dogs to sniff and screw, bending to his whims without will of my own, my own body robbing me of all respect for myself, a toy and a plaything to use and let drop like a dirty rag.
My mind spins with these thoughts and the room spins with my mind as my panting slows and my flesh cools from the fire he ignited in me. My eyes are open again and I see myself for what I am, what I've done, and I can't understand why I came here in the first place. It was me that came this time, knowing what would happen and coming anyway, coming precisely for what would happen and did happen and the guilt and horror of it rises up like a tide that sweeps all the pleasure before it. I turn over and see him sitting on the couch lighting a cigarette and smiling bemusedly down at me, his skin wet with the sweat of love. Suddenly I feel empty, more empty than I can ever remember feeling, and tears fill my eyes as I look at him. Is this what sex is all about, this emptiness, this distance right after being welded together in such heated love? I don't know; I don't have anything to compare it with. All I know is a yearning to be loved, really loved, to be held and kissed and comforted. Then I see his cock resting across his thigh, glistening with my juices, and for a moment I feel the sensation of it inside me, the heat and the pleasure of it, but my guilt and embarrassment is too strong now for me to hold onto that sensation and I turn my eyes from it.
I close my eyes again and his cock is there too, long and lean like his body, and I try to block it out but it keeps coming, pushing through into my mind's eye as it pushed through into my cunt. The pleasure comes back again too; I weave between emptiness and ecstasy as I lay there, between horror and pleasure, pain and joy, the same way I have each time after he's made love with me. I wish I could cast out the horror and doubt and concentrate all my being on the joy but it's so hard. There is a part of me that keeps whispering in my mind that I've done wrong, that sex is evil and sex like Bill forces me into is doubly evil, perverted, dog-like.
I feel Bill's hand on my shoulder and when I open my eyes he is bending over me, and he lowers his lips and kisses me tenderly on my mouth and I cry and throw my arms around him and pull him down to me and feel his body warm against mine, so thankful for his gesture of care and concern, and I whisper into his ear that I love him without thinking what I'm saying.
He strokes me and holds me for a long time and when he stands again he pulls me up with him and leads me into the bathroom and turns on the shower. The warm water sprays over our bodies and my body relaxes, resting against his while he soaps my crotch and rubs my breasts and belly.
"The trouble with you is you don't trust your own feelings," he whispers into my ear. "You liked what happened out there, and liking it is what scares you because it means giving up control with your mind and turning over control to your emotions."
"It's so hard for me, Bill," I say. "You don't know how it pulls me apart." "I know."
"Do you hate me for it?" I ask him.
He doesn't answer and I want to ask him again, but I don't have the nerve to ask again.
After the shower I dress and leave, promising him I'll return Saturday and spend the weekend at his place going over the play. The thought of staying there frightens me but I promise anyway. I want to stay with him, even if it means forcing myself.
That night I lie awake thinking for a long time about what Bill said and I know he is right only knowing it and changing it are two different things. The morals I've grown up with are outdated, old-fashioned, even for Kansas much less New York, yet they are in me, a part of me and I can't just throw them off like old clothing. And I'm beginning to trust Bill more as I know him. I have to admit that in his way he has been both honest and kind to me. And in a way that I don't understand at all I think I do love him. Only I'm so desperately confused by it all.
That night I have a strange dream. I dream that I'm walking down a busy street and the sun is shining, and suddenly I turn a corner and it's night. The streets are dark and empty and I'm frightened. The buildings tower tall and stone cold around me, closing me in. I panic and run, turn a corner, and run into a dark alley that leads past garbage cans and rubbish barrels toward a light at the end. Then there are footsteps behind me, chasing after me. I turn and see three naked men, their cocks flailing as they run, chasing after me, and I run faster but as I run, for some unaccountable reason I begin taking my own clothes off, throwing them away as I race for the light at the end of the alley. When I reach the light there is a tall brick wall and I can run no further. I stand under the light, turn to face the men chasing me, and wait as they come, naked. I want to scream as they come into the light and stop, glaring before me. They are Puerto Rican men, with long thin phalluses, knife-like in the dim light, and they all have erections that curve up at me. Then instead of screaming I grin and get down on my hands and knees, and one by one they stick their cocks into me from behind, and one by one I screw with them, feeling their pricks fill me, and all the while I'm both crying and laughing in a rage of pain and pleasure, and just as I'm about to explode into orgasm I turn and it is Bill who is fucking me, sinking even his balls into my gaping cunt, and I scream with pleasure and come in shaking spasms, and I wake, sit up in bed, and trembling put my hand into my crotch, half asleep and sweating, and I rub my clitoris until I come, and slide slowly back into sleep again.
When I wake it's Saturday morning and I remember the dream and am thankful that it's the day to go see Bill. In the dream I was afraid until it happened, I ran until there was nowhere left to run, then, forced to stop and submit, I enjoyed it and it turned into something beautiful, into Bill. The curious part was that while I was running I took my clothes off. Did I know all along that it would turn into something good? Was I just playing a game with myself by running away at all?
Was I only pretending to be frightened?
I want to see Bill right away, to tell him about the dream and tell him that it turned out all right, that he was there in the end and there was no guilt, only love and pleasure. I put my tooth brush and a few other things into a bag and leave my apartment immediately. It is still early, before nine o'clock; the streets are warm with the morning sun and they are unusually deserted. I feel wonderful, going off to spend a weekend with a man. I skip along and sing to myself, aware of my own happiness as I haven't been in a long time.
Within minutes I ring his doorbell and wait for the buzzer to sound, and when it does I push the door open and skip up the steps and knock on his door. He opens it and smiles sleepily, standing naked and beautiful, his genitals soft and dangling between his legs, and I walk past him into the apartment smiling.
"Hi," I say. "I came early. I hope you don't mind."
He looks at me with a confused expression on his face, as if he's trying to figure something out, then he shrugs and says, "Sure, why not?"
I go over and sit on the couch by the window. The early morning sun is slanting through and the room is bright and warm, and Bill is still standing in the middle of the room as if he doesn't quite know what to do next. I smile at him, thinking he must be still half asleep, and chalk up his indecision to that. I've never seen Bill so at a loss before. Then I hear a noise from the bedroom, then soft footsteps on the floor, and I look at the door in time to see Bernie emerge from the bedroom and stand just inside the living room with a curious expression on her face. She is naked, unashamedly naked, even in front of me, and my eyes harden as I look at her body, her small pointed breasts and her lean belly, and her triangle of dark pubic hair fluffing out from between her legs. She is more beautiful than I would have thought; she is at her best naked. As I look at her I feel a tightening in my stomach like I'm going to vomit, and my sudden jealousy and embarrassment almost force tears into my eyes. I see Bill look from me to Bernie and back to me still at a loss as to what to do. Then Bernie gives me a quick, catty smile.
"Hello, Jennifer," she says sweetly, only her eyes are defiant and mocking.
"Hello," I manage to force my voice to say.
"You two know each other. I remember now, through dance class," Bill says.
Neither of us answer him. Then as if there's nothing really left to do, he sits down naked right in the middle of the room where he's been standing and smiles at both of us.
"Well, I guess that ends play time," Bernie says, and she walks across the room toward the kitchen, and stops at the kitchen door. "Coffee anyone?" she asks, turning toward Bill first then toward me.
Bill answers yes and I nod my head yes but don't speak. She skips into the kitchen, but she doesn't skip like I skipped coming over here; her skip is like the quick, fluid step of a cat, and her naked ass, round and beautiful, tightens behind her.
Alone in the room with Bill, I don't know what to do, where to look. I let my eyes wander out the window, not wanting to look at him or let him look at me. I feel crushed and embarrassed and angry all at once and I try to sort out my feelings before I break down and do something that will embarrass me all the more. I wish I'd never come, never met him or Bernie; I was so happy to see him and now I wish I could fly out the window and keep flying, high and far away from him never to see him again. Images of Bernie's cunt fill my mind, and I picture Bill standing next to her, his cock erect and alive, aimed at her pussy, poking and throbbing into it and she smiling, her slut's lips parted, her body arched to receive his, and I feel myself turning into stone where I sit, drying up and growing hard and cold. I don't know how I'll ever manage to turn back and face him, face them, and I want to get up and walk out and slam the door behind me, slam it shut on them and on my own memory, but I'm too upset and weak to move. Outside the streets are beginning to fill with people. A delivery truck pulls up and double parks in front of a small grocery, and a man carries two boxes of fresh vegetables out of the truck into the store, nearly bumping into three little Puerto Rican kids running down the sidewalk. The man seems to holler something at the kids, and one of them lifts his middle finger at the man as he runs away. A couple walk hand in hand down the sidewalk from the other direction and from the way they lean against each other it is obvious they have spent the night pressing against each other's bodies. They are young, perhaps only eighteen, yet they have known each other deeply, fully, and their thin bodies and black hair make them almost twins. As I watch them my mind fills with images of Bill and Bernie again. They are certainly not twins, not welded together like those two in the street, yet they must be enormously attracted to each other, as opposites are, Bill tall and blond and Bernie slender and dark. I try to picture their pubic hair pressed together, then when I do picture it I try to forget it, but even that won't go away. I wish something would go away—me, Bill, Bernie, the light, my mind, something.
Bernie comes back with the coffee and I turn back to them in time to see her bent over, facing away from me, handing a cup to Bill, her ass sticking up in the air, her lovely buns parted slightly, her cunt sticking out behind her from between her legs. She must be standing like that on purpose, I think, to show me her prize ass. Then she straightens, and I watch her buns come together, tighten, and she turns to me and with the same mocking smile she hands me the second cup of coffee, then slithers back into the kitchen and returns with the last cup for herself.
She sits down on the floor beside Bill, crossing her legs so that I look right into her cunt when I look at her, and with a deliberate yet casual movement of her hand she reaches across Bill's thigh and gives his cock a squeeze right in front of my eyes. Her hand lingers on his shaft for a moment, then she returns to her coffee, smiling.
She has me trapped there and she's going to make the most of it. She knows that I'm uncomfortable, embarrassed. I begin to really despise her.
"Why don't you take off your clothes and join us?" Bill says suddenly, looking at me warmly, and as I look at him I notice that his cock has risen between his legs into a full blown erection from Bernie's touch. I also notice Bernie give Bill a sharp look, then try to hide it. Apparently she wasn't expecting him to invite me to do that. So Bernie doesn't like that idea, I muse. Then I decide that that's precisely what I'll do, if for no other reason than to strike back at her.
I give a sweet smile at Bernie.
"Why thank you, Bill," I say with my most innocent smile. "I just think I will."
I'm acting now, acting it all the way and I surprise myself at how suddenly easy it is to act out. My embarrassment fades as I take the center stage and a part of me that I've never really made use of before comes bubbling into my movements, a female, competitive part, selfish and vindictive, sultry and sexual. I stand and with the practiced ease of a backstreet stripper I peel my clothes off garment by garment until I'm standing in my bra and panties. Then with a sweet smile at Bernie and a wink at Bill I unfasten my bra and cup my breasts with my hands, concealing them for a second more, then I let them push out naked and full before me and I look down at them and see their fresh fullness and smile to myself. Against my knockers Bernie doesn't stand a chance. I glance up at them and Bill is grinning amusedly and his cock is throbbing, and Bernie is desperately trying to ignore me but I won't let her. I reach down my sides to the hem of my silk panties and, turning my knees into each other to accentuate my hour glass form and my triangle of pubic hair, I slip my panties slowly down my belly and cunt and slide them to my knees, then I bend sticking my ass out and step out of them, rise to my full height, naked, and I know from Bill's eager eyes, beautiful. Bernie is positively gulping down her coffee now. I go sit directly in front of Bill, cross my legs just as she has done, and reach into Bill's crotch and give his cock a hard squeeze, then I burst into giggles at my own parody of Bernie. Bill bursts into laughter and his eyes gleam.
"Well done, beautiful Jenny. You got some of Lilly in you already, you surely do."
I smile my sweetest Topeka smile and look at him with pretended confusion.
"Why, Mister, I don't really know what you mean."
Bill cracks up at this and Bernie looks miserable, suddenly left hanging.
As I sit there smiling and talking with Bill over the coffee I realize that by accepting Bernie's challenge I have not only won a round but I have come alive in a way that is new to me. I was acting through the whole strip but I was also being me. There is a part of me that is very real and womanly that came out in that episode, a part that is fearless, that throws off embarrassment and old-fashioned morality. I begin to objectively look at what I just did and it amazes me. If anyone had ever suggested that I would do a strip tease in front of a naked man and woman, then calmly reach over and stroke his throbbing erection, I would have been horrified at the suggestion and thought the person either didn't know me very well or was crazy or both. Yet I just did that very thing! And here I am sitting naked with a naked man and woman and thoroughly enjoying it. I begin to really understand like I never have before how shallow most moral codes are, especially those moral codes you learn at home and in school, the ones given to you that you simply accept without finding out for yourself what's right and wrong. And I'm amazed at how easily they slip away.
After Bill finishes his coffee he sighs and stretches out on the rug on his back, and his stiff cock sticks straight up at the ceiling between me and Bernie. We both keep returning our eyes to it, and I know that if I don't do something with it soon Bernie will. I've never been in such a situation before and my mind is a frenzy of hesitation and desire. I know beyond any doubt that I want that piece of hard, pulsing flesh inside me; I'm almost drooling over it and my cunt is dripping wet; yet my ingrained embarrassment and shyness is holding me back. Bill is lying there amused and confident that one of us is going to grab him, and I know that he is testing me in his own way and I think it's cruel. Yet that knowledge that I'm being challenged again makes me act, and throwing shyness to the wind I reach out and curl my fingers around his penis right under Bernie's hostile eyes.
I look at Bill's face and he is smiling softly, humorously, looking down his body at my hand clasped around him. He knows that he has maneuvered me into grasping for him, and there is a glint of pleased triumph in his eyes.
I look back at my hand around his cock in time to see Bernie slip her small hand delicately between his legs and cup his balls in her palm and fingers. Together, hating each other's interference, we stroke his genitals. I run my hand up and down his shaft, feeling it jump and quiver in my fingers, while Bernie expertly teases his testicles with soothing fingers. In a matter of seconds Bill is moaning and moving his hips in a simulation of screwing, unable to control himself under our combined attention. I wonder if he's ever had two women rubbing his genitals at once before, two women as lovely and as willing as he has now, anyway.
I don't know what to do next. I keep him firmly in my hand, not about to give Bernie a chance to take over, to squeeze me out, yet the tighter I squeeze his pounding cock the more my cunt drips my desire. I want him stuffed up me like I've never wanted that before; I ache for him, for his cock to be crammed into me, pounding and reaching for my belly roots, my sex and my love. And I know that Bernie wants the same thing. I'm beginning to shake and my hips are rotating in time with Bill's upward thrusts. It seems like a hopeless stalemate, an endless standoff between me and Bernie that will end with Bill creaming in our hands and neither of us getting his cock. Then, out of a final desperation, I look at Bernie with a cold stare.
"I'll whisper either black or white to Bill," I say with a rasp in my voice like cold metal being filed. "If you guess which it's your ball. If you guess wrong it's mine, baby!"
The hardness of my voice and the natural way I spit out the word "ball" surprises me and excites me too; this morning I seem to be discovering totally unexpected sides of my personality, discovering how deeply competitive and emotional I really am about sex.
Bernie looks at me with daggers in her eyes and nods agreement.
I lean down to Bill's ear without relinquishing my hold on his penis and whisper white into his ear, then I sit back up and watch as Bernie decides which to guess. She looks at Bill hotly and guesses white. I feel a sinking in my belly as if a crushing weight has been dropped on my abdomen.
"Black," I hear Bill say huskily. "It was black, Bernie."
I look at him in disbelief, only remembering to mask my reaction to his lie just in time, unable to comprehend for a split second what Bill is doing. Then it hits me and I smile at him with a smile that promises all, that promises him a fuck that will turn his cock inside out and my cunt with it. It never even occurred to me that he might lie to get me, that he would even want me over Bernie, and my heart is pounding with the secret of our coming screw, and I stare at Bernie with more triumph in my eyes than I ever would have had if I had merely won the right to him.
"Move off, honey," I say to Bernie, and she withdraws her hand from his crotch and slides back to watch with an expression of pure hatred for me and the situation. The tables are turned now, you little wet slitted bitch, I think; watch if you want and eat your cunt out!
I slip my leg over Bill and poise my cunt above the spear of his passion, then slowly, holding his cock in my hand, I ease down on it, directing it up into me, feeling it's bulbous, fleshy head part my slit and push into my secret hole, deeper and deeper until I have swallowed him entirely, until he is swelling inside me and filling my aching belly with fire. I put my full weight down on him, feel my ass squish his balls against his thighs, and I begin a slow, tantalizing, tortuous movement with my hips that turns into a wild screwing motion. I stare down at him the whole time, my eyes darting deep into his, my tongue licking at my own parted lips in an ecstasy of pleasure and love. His hand reach up and clamp over my breasts. I feel m nipples harden at his touch, feel them shoot electricity through my body, shock my cunt, as his fingers tighten and squeeze them painfully in his abandon.
Out of the corner of my eye I catch Bernie staring at us with dark serpents in her eyes, her expression blotched and contorted with lust and hatred, and I decide to show that bitch once and for all that there are other women in the world who know how to use their bodies. I bear down with all my strength on Bill's upthrusting cock, lock my thighs around his hips, and fling myself into such a wild rage of screwing, flailing back and forth and sideways, tearing at the root of his cock so viciously that I wonder if I'll pull it out of him, that the room spins around me and my head goes light and airy as if I'm being lifted off the floor and suspended on his pumping organ. I feel myself building, feel him knocking against my clit with each jab and feel his cock darting up deeper into me than I thought possible. I come down hard on his balls and hear him groan in pained ecstasy, his fingers madly working my tits, and I go over the brink with a shriek that must be audible in the apartment below, a long wail of sexual fulfillment that grows in intensity as I feel him coming with me, feel his pounding grow unbearable and merciless as he spurts his semen deep into my snaking snatch. I suck at him with all the strength in my cunt, tighten with muscles I never knew I had and drain every last drop of his juice into me before I collapse onto his chest and bury my mouth in his neck, feel my teeth tease his tender skin and lick with hot tongue at his parted lips.
And after a long time I roll over beside him happy in the knowledge that there is nothing left for Bernie, nothing at all.