Chapter 2
"Stop it!" I scream, and then I realize that he isn't even touching me. My breath is coming in quick gasps and I force air deep into my lungs. I feel a catch inside me and then a release as if I've taken a long drag on a cigarette, and my body stops shaking so violently and relaxes on the bed. I feel like I've been sweating but it's only the water from the shower. Then I realize that my eyes are closed tight and I force myself to open them.
The bedroom ceiling is above me again. I turn my head to the side and see Bill standing beside the bed, dripping wet and naked, looking curiously down at me as if he's not quite certain what I am. He obviously wasn't expecting anyone like me, so screwed up and helplessly hysterical, and my loss of control has sobered him.
I'm aware of my nakedness and aware of Bill's eyes traveling over me. I'm lying on my back and my legs are spread a little giving him a look at my crotch, and I don't make any move to hide himself from him. A strange sensation of playing a game comes over me. Where moments before I was hysterical thinking he was touching me, I am now almost inviting him to touch me as I expose myself even more by shifting my body and turning it slightly toward his side of the bed. I don't understand what I'm doing, why I'm teasing him like this when only minutes before I was hysterical. I think I must be crazy but I'm out of control; my body seems to have a will of its own suddenly, beyond the rational control or even understanding of my mind. I play the game out because I can't do anything else, can't stop even if I want to stop. I've never exposed myself this way to anyone, any man, before in my life and I'm on fire with a kind of excitement that is new and strangely delicious to me. My blood is pulsing wildly and my hysteria has seemingly disappeared and been replaced by a kind of blatant and lewd coquettishness.
I look at Bill and a smile plays over my lips, flickers seductively, and it's as if I'm suddenly acting out a part for a play. I'm more aware of my body than I ever have been before, even more than when I dance, and I feel a sudden surge of power like when I'm delivering a crucial line on stage. The power over the situation seems to' be in my hands now, and with the slightest movement of a thigh I can make him visibly react. And it's fun, it's a new and fun game for me, an exciting game.
Bill is standing staring at me and his penis is rising, rising up until it is sticking out stiff in front of him like a heavy red sausage. It looks silly and disgusting to me at the same time. I've never seen a man with a full erection before and it fascinates me even though it looks ugly. His balls are hanging absurdly down underneath. I feel a thrill go through me as I stare at him, and I notice that he is shaking now, shaking with desire for me. I know he wants to make love to me, wants to jam that thing into my body up between my legs and to squirm around in there, dance between my legs and unload his semen into me, but I'm not going to let him do it. And that is what's so much fun; I'm not going to let him have his way; I'm going to drive him crazy first!
"Do you like what you see?" I ask him.
"I'd like to fuck what I see," he says.
"That's up to me."
"Don't be too sure," he says.
I just smile at him.
"You can look all you want, but you can't touch. Unless you marry me first."
I have no intention of getting married, and certainly not to him, but I tell him that anyway to see what his reaction will be.
"What are you, some kind of religious nut, some kind of Bible belt bitch?" he asks.
"You're getting mad now, aren't you, lover boy?"
He doesn't answer and I see him look at my crotch again as if he's debating whether to rape me or not. I suppose that in the end he could rape me, overpower me physically, hit me in the stomach or the jaw and have his way with me dazed and helpless beneath him, but I don't think he has it in him; at least I'm willing to believe that I can deter that from happening.
He's breathing hard now and he sits down on the bed beside me with a hard look in his eyes. I watch his every move. He looks at my body and I feel my flesh respond to his eyes as if he's touching me physically. The closer he gets to me the less sure of myself I am and for a second I almost loosen my control, almost panic again like I did in the shower when he touched me. I look at his erection again, look at it from close up, and I have the desire to reach out and touch it. I know I'm out of control by the way I jump from disgust to desire and back again. I feel confused and helpless one second and powerful the next. I know I want him to fuck me—yes, that's it, fuck me, like all the things I've heard and imagined, all the animal desires that are incorporated in fucking that I've never experienced and only dreamed about—and at the same time I think I'll scream if he touches me. Yet I squirm and spread my thighs a little further so he is looking right into my cunt. Why I keep teasing him I don't know, yet I can't stop. I can see his penis twitching and I wonder what it would be like to feel it twitching inside me.
He reaches out and his hand touches my belly just above my pubic hair.
"Look but don't touch!" I say coldly, taking his hand and throwing it back at him.
He looks at me with hatred in his eyes and puts his hand back, only this time he digs his fingers into my crotch. I feel his fingers in my hair and tremble as he touches my clitoris. I reach down and grab his hand and try to remove it but he doesn't let me this time. I dig my fingernails into his hand and watch his face as the pain builds but he still doesn't move his hand, and then I scratch hard up his arm and he grabs my hand with his other hand and squeezes tighter into the flesh of my cunt.
"You bastard!" I hear myself saying. "Let go!"
"Shut up," he says and he continues to explore my crotch roughly.
I hate him and yet I love what is happening. My flesh is alive like I've never know it before. I feel like screaming and running but I don't. Instead I reach for his hand again only this time I press it hard between my legs and watch his face as he feels me. Then without warning I slap him across the face. I've never hit anyone before, and I don't hit him very hard, but it surprises him as much as me and he withdraws his hand from my cunt and looks so surprised that I laugh out loud, hysterically.
"You're absolutely crazy," he says angrily, looking me in the eyes. "You want it and you know damn well you do!"
I know he's right, that I want it, not him but it, that hard rod sticking out between his legs. I want it jammed into my body where nothing has ever penetrated before, want to feel its hardness tearing me open. His hand is on me again, soft this time, his fingers playing along my thighs, moving slowly up to my crotch. I want to tear away, slap him again, refuse his touch, but something has happened and I'm suddenly afraid to move or to fight. I look at him and see the lust in his eyes and watch his fingers explore my flesh and I think him disgusting, an animal bent on satisfying his base sexual instinct. He doesn't care about me at all; he cares only for himself, for his penis and his pleasure, and he wants to use my sacred body to satisfy that. Yet I lie still and let him feel me as he wants. His hands work up to my breasts and his fingers poke into the soft flesh of my bosom. I feel my tits tighten strangely as he pinches them; I watch my nipples grow hard and feel an excitement like electricity shoot through my body as if my nipples are wired to my cunt. Involuntarily I begin to pant and squirm under his hands and I see him smile indulgently. I can tell he is confident now, certain of his victim. He toys with my body like a cat playing with a crippled mouse, working his fingers into my flesh and working his loins to iron heat. He leans over me and presses his mouth against mine and I feel his tongue slip between my lips and plunge into my mouth. He is no longer gentle. He kisses me brutally. I feel the power in his tongue and I hate it but I respond helplessly, sucking on his tongue as I've never kissed anyone. I wish I could stop but he has control of me now. I know he will take me in his own way and time and I can hardly believe it is really happening to me. Why now? And why him? I loathe him. Why am I letting him enjoy my treasures? I don't understand any more, don't understand anything except that my body is betraying me to him against my will.
His mouth grins against mine and I feel his naked body pressing into me. He turns me on my side and his hot hands flow down my back and caress my buttocks, his fingers splitting my buns apart and digging into the crack of my ass. I move to avoid his filthy fingers but when I move I push into his stiff organ and it slips between my legs rubbing against me. I clamp my thighs tight around it and feel a surge of desire flood through me. His penis is moving between my legs like a snake, rubbing against the sensitive flesh of my cunt, and I close my eyes to feel it better. It feels hot and sharp and evil and I want him now like I've never wanted anything in my life.
He rolls over on top of me and presses me into the mattress. I feel the suffocation I felt in the steamy shower returning and I break away from his mouth gasping for air, but this time it is different, I don't get hysterical and scream. The air fills my lungs and the suffocation passes as quickly as it came and I am moving under him like a backstreet whore. I feel ashamed and wicked, as if I'm degrading myself, as if I'm destroying everything that is good in me, and I love it and want it.
His fingers are plying my thighs now, spreading them apart and groping into my crotch eagerly, and I am letting him push his finger into my hole. Suddenly there is a sharp pain and I whimper like a rabbit but I let him continue his investigation. Then he finds my clitoris and rubs it brutally while I moan and thrash under him. I am lost now. I feel myself slipping away as if sinking under water in a sea of sexual sensation, as if I'm drowning in my own body. His hands wash over me like waves and I know I'm being carried toward a rocky shore where I'll crash and split open and sink into a world I've never known, a world from which I'll never return again.
He is kneeling between my parted legs now, his hands spreading my cunt open, his eyes searching out the pink entrance to my body, and I see his cock poised above my cunt like a red-hot poker. Then he takes his organ and places the bulging tip at the center of my being and with a cruel lunge of his loins he spears into me. I scream as the pain shoots up into my belly. I thrash and cry for him to stop but his full weight is upon me, his full strength concentrated in his penis, and he rips into my body like a dagger. Tears flood my eyes and pain fills my belly but he is insensitive to everything but burying himself deeper inside me. I feel my flesh tearing like cloth stretched too tight at the seams, feel the sensation of blood and I know that I am torn and bleeding. He pumps himself into me like a jack hammer, banging into me ruthlessly, into my pain and my virginity, and then I know that he is there, is all the way inside me, reaching up into my belly with his hard cock.
And I am moving with him now, bucking under him as if in defiance of the pain and humiliation of the act. I could have never imagined anything so bestial and hideous, so depraved, and yet I am a willing accomplice to the act, a partner in depravity, and secretly I am loving it. The pain has become pleasure without my knowing when or how it happened. My arms are around his neck pulling him down harder against me. I feel his muscular body grind against mine and pull my legs up high to give him every chance to screw into me. I want him to hurt me now, to tear me in half in his passion, and I wait for each stroke to strike him deeper into me. Then he begins to shake and his rhythm increases to a fever pitch and I know that he is coming. I thrash under him and claw at his back like a lioness as he groans and unloads his semen into my waiting, eager belly, and I cry to know that he is coming inside me—and it is over and it has only just begun.