Chapter 8
May got a fair price for the car but she could have done much better if she had gone for a ride and put out her body for the customer.
"If you're with the traveling show you know what I want, from you," he said eyes gleaming. It's worth a hundred just to see if your boobs are all real."
"Come see us in the show and you'll find out."
"That a promise?"
"It is if you pay the price."
He gave her a check for the amount of money due and as soon as she got away from his she took it to his bank to cash it. They were satisfied with her identification but they phoned the auto agency just the same and she had to wait a few minutes for the money.
Outside, the money in her pocketbook, she asked about directions as to how to get to the hospital from an old man on the corner and he told her, waving his arms and telling her what turns to take.
She left the old man standing there. Her legs were stiff from having worked in the show the night before-or had something else caused it?-and she thought walking would help loosen up her muscles. She didn't know if they would let her in to see her father but it was worth a try. Of course she wouldn't tell him about selling the car or stripping down for the men but she would simply say that things were going fine. Later she could get a cab back to the grounds.
The previous night had been her first time performing but she knew that she had done good. Laura had been drunk, hardly able to stand, and she'd had more to show than Valerie. She had been nervous at first, aware of the hungry eyes upon her, but when she had forgotten any inhibitions that she may have had she had gone to work, bumping and grinding naked around the platform, avoiding the hands that had tried to reach up and touch her flesh.
"I've got something for you," one man had said.
"Try the girl with the sleepy eyes."
"She wouldn't know what it was all about, sister."
"Don't worry, she knows, even too much."
"For how much?"
"Ask her, friend."
After the final show the other two girls had gotten out of there quickly. Valerie because she couldn't wait to get with Earl and Laura because the man had finally offered her ten dollars. May had been getting into her clothes in the little dressing room with Earl had walked in on her. The effects of the scotch had been gone by that time, both of them sober, but it happened again right there on the floor and he hadn't been careful with her. He had regretted it afterward because she had gone positively wild this time. His back hurt.
As she walked toward the hospital she thought about it. Well, those things couldn't be avoided sometimes. When a man was after a girl he didn't care what he did and very often the girl didn't care either. Her muscles still ached.
"No kids for five years," one of the married girls had told her in her home town. "You go by a chart and you can't do any harm. We can both get our feet on the ground before he gives me what he says I'm going to get."
Something must have been wrong with the chart because she'd been gotten three months later and the girl had been sick every morning.
"Some plans we had," the girl had said when she had dropped out of functions. "We had the chart but we didn't look at it. He said it was okay and I thought it was okay, too. So he gave me a present."
She walked along, thinking of the money in her pocketbook and glad that it was a nice day. It was just hot enough to be very good show weather and not hot enough to bring showers with it Naturally she missed the car but she told herself that she had parted with it for a good cause. Maybe the dealer hadn't paid her all that it was worth but when you were down on your luck you didn't have much choice. She would stay with the show for the rest of its tour and during the winter she would get something else to do. She rather hoped that it would be near Earl, that they might be able to work in the same hotel. Naturally there was Valerie to consider but May tried not to think of the girl. Valerie had a nice body, nothing wrong with it, but May thought that she had more to offer and that if she worked it right she could win Earl, not forever perhaps but at least for a little while. She wasn't sure about forever, that she wanted it that way or that it would be good for them. Forever meant keeping a house and getting yourself a baby.
"Don't ever give it to them," another girl had said. "You give it to them and they play you for a sucker. When you meet the right guy say no quick."
She supposed that she had been wrong with Earl, wanting him too much and being too easy for him to take. That dance in the trailer had been a wild thing to do, practically asking him to satisfy her, but she had needed him and she had wanted him and she had gone the limit, flaming with desire. Now that she thought about it she decided that it was strange that showing herself naked to the men the night before had made her desire all the greater. Perhaps, she decided she wasn't any good, not any better than other girls who came out in their bare skin to make a living, some of the girls willing to take on any man who had what they needed. Maybe they did it for money and maybe they did it for free but the reason why they did it didn't change what they did.
"A man could die in your arms," Earl had told her in the dressing room after their orgy.
It had been a bad night for her in the trailer, twisting and turning on the bed and wanting him again and again. Laura hadn't brought her man to the trailer and when she had come in toward morning she had been drunk and stumbling, falling over a chair or something in the living room and then banging along the passage until she reached her bed. That morning Laura had ridden into town with her, saying that she was going to see a doctor, but instead of going to some office she had gotten off in front of a bar.
"I need a shot," Laura had explained. "I can't even light a smoke without shaking."
May felt a little sorry and a little bitter about Laura. Any of Laura's dates could be a trap and if she got caught it would reflect on the whole show.
She walked up the steps to the hospital and tried to dismiss it from her mind. For the good of everybody Laura ought to be let go but Laura had too much on her dad for anybody to do that. As long as he had been supporting her he had admitted being the father of her kids and that was about all any judge would need.
The girl at the window was a flat chested thing with pimples on her face. She acted rather man-ish and May knew the type.
"He's out of the oxygen tent," the girl said in reply to May's question. "But I don't know if I should let you see him. The doctor said he shouldn't have any visitors."
"I'll only be a minute."
"Well--?"
"I'll just look in and I won't stay. I know he isn't well and I wouldn't do anything to hurt him."
The girl finally let her go but after she got into the room she was almost sorry that she had stopped. He was sleeping, a very deep sleep, and his lips had a funny color. She bent over him, looking down, and she found it difficult to imagine that a person could change so much. Now that she had seen him she would worry all the more and she had been worrying enough already. And it wasn't because she had been close to her father in recent years because that wasn't true. She had only seen him a couple of times a year but he was her father and the love for him was there.
She left the room and walked through the hall.
"Hey," somebody said as she started past the entrance to the waiting room.
She knew who it was without looking. Bill Wakely. Bill had followed them.
"Hello, Bill," she said as she turned and entered.
He had been standing near one of the windows and he came over to kiss her on the mouth. The kiss was warm and filled with meaning and she made an effort to return it. But when she kissed him she thought of Earl and she knew that her kiss wasn't very good.
"How did you find me?" she asked.
"It wasn't any trouble. I knew the town you were playing and they told me out at the grounds that you were probably here." He bent and kissed her again.
"How is he, baby?"
"Not very good."
"That's too bad."
She shrugged her shoulders and moved away from him.
"It's one of those things, I guess. When we're young and we have our health we don't appreciate it and then suddenly it's gone."
"It'll probably take him off the tour."
"Oh, there's no doubt about it."
"And what happens to us all?"
"I'll stay with it and do what I can to help out. All of this is going to cost money and that's the only way I have of making it."
They walked outside into the sun and stopped on the steps.
"Where's your car?" he asked.
"I sold it. We needed money to move on."
"Why didn't you let me know? I've got money and you could have had it."
"I know but I wanted to do this my way."
He led her down the steps and over to a new car. It didn't impress her. Bill got a new car about twice a year and he had money to burn.
"Like it?" he asked.
"Really beautiful."
They got into the car and she could smell the newness of it.
"Is there any place we can go?" he wanted to know.
"For what?"
His right hand started at her left knee.
"You know for what," he said. "I didn't drive up here just to kiss you."
No, he hadn't driven up there to kiss her. He had driven up there to do to her what he had done so many times before and she didn't want him that way again.
"There isn't anything left for us," she said steadily. "You'd better find somebody else."
He left his hand right where it was.
"I don't want anybody else, just you."
"Thanks but I'm not in the mood."
"Don't tell me you've changed that much in only a few days."
She took his hand away from her. "I've changed a lot, Bill. I have a job to do now and I have to think of that."
"Why not marry me and forget about it?" It was a good question. Marriage to him wouldn't be so bad. He knew how to make love and there would always be money, plenty of money. She wouldn't have to worry about bills or getting a kid or anything like that. The bills would be paid on time and the kids would come along when they were ready. Still, there was Earl.
"I'm not ready for marriage," she said with determination. "And I don't think you're ready either. I think you had something that you liked.
"We both liked what we had. Remember the days when Aunt Denton was off? You used to make me quit and you didn't want me to quit."
"Maybe you're right," she admitted. "I don't deny it. We had our fun together but you can't make a marriage out of that. If you marry just for sex what do you have when you get older and there isn't so much sex left?"
"Don't ask me. Maybe you find something else. How would I know?"
A few minutes later he drove her toward the show grounds and he tried to talk to her into returning to his hometown with him. She refused. There were two good reasons why she refused. First, she was thinking of her father, of what might happen to him and, secondly, she was thinking of Earl. She wanted to be with Earl, to have him crush her in his arms, both of them naked and longing for each other. She remembered his maleness very well.
"I'll write to you," she said as she got out of the car near the entrance. "I'll let you know how it goes."
"All right but my offer still stands."
"I'll think about it."
She walked away from the car and she knew that she had hurt him. Well, she couldn't help that. A lot of people got hurt in this life.
She knew that there was something wrong as soon as she entered the trailer, knew that somebody was waiting for her. She hoped that it was Earl and hurried toward the rear.
It was Dave Moore though who waited for her.
He was sitting on the bed, a cigarette hanging from his mouth, a smile curving his lips.
"The girl with the melons," he said sarcastically.
She slapped him hard across the face but it didn't even cause the cigarette to fall.
"You've got no right in here," she told him.
He got up from the bed, advancing on her, forcing her against the wall, and then he grabbed her where a man shouldn't grab a girl who didn't belong to him. He grabbed her and he hurt her as her clothes tore.
"Sorry I missed your show last night," he said. "I heard that it was real hot, like a brush fire in a blazing sun. . A couple of guys were asking around how they could get at you for a few bucks but they were suckers. Here's one guy who's going to get you for nothing."
She brought a knee up, trying to get at him, but she missed. She tried it a second time and missed again. His hand had left her now bul the pain was still there.
"You had better go," she hissed. He laughed at her.
"Not until I get what I was waiting for. You either come across or I tell it around the lot how I used to get at you before, how you used to put out and then ask me again for more."
She tried to think but it was almost impossible to think. She could fire him easily enough but if she fired him he would ruin her name and what she had done would get back to Earl. Earl would hate her for that, for having given herself to Dave, and she would lose him forever.
"I'll give you money," she said.
"Money I don't need. What I need is what I had four years ago."
"There are other girls."
"Built the way you are? Don't be funny. You've got the biggest pair on the lot and I'm gonna use them right now, baby."
Before she could stop him he took hold of the top .of her dress and ripped it all the way to the bottom. The bra came next, the snap behind giving under the force of his tug, and then she was all open up there, the twin cones rising and falling, her hands lifting to them to them to try and cover herself.
"You damned rapist," she spat at him.
"Aw, shut up. You like to get raped. You don't care how you have a man as long as you do and you don't care who he is. Bet the guys back home really got a work out from your swinging fanny."
She thought of screaming but she didn't want to reveal their past relationship and there wasn't anything that she could do to stop him. She would have to submit to him, willing or not, not just once but until he had exhausted himself.
"Get out of the rest of the stuff," he commanded.
"Think it over," she begged.
"Think it over? I already thought it over. Any dame who strips for a bunch of strange men can't be too proud. You're trying to hide yourself from me but last night you didn't hide, did you? You're damned right you didn't. You got out there and you bounced around and you let the guys look you up and down."
"Please don't go on."
She wasn't doing what he wanted her to do, not last enough to suit him, and he came after her again, ripping everything off, leaving her frightened and naked before him.
"Four hundred dollars," she whispered. "If you don t.
He had been working at his own clothes but now he stopped.
"You haven't got that much."
"I promise you I have. Five hundred, if you don't touch me, in cash."
He seemed to be thinking it over.
"That's a lot of money," he said.
"You never had that much at one time before, Dave. You can buy a lot of girls for five hundred dollars."
"Yeah," he admitted slowly. "Yeah, I guess I could."
While he was considering the situation she got her pocketbook, turned her back to him so that he couldn't see the bundle of bills, and counted out the money. It was a lot of money to pay but it was better than being raped.
"Here," she said as she held out the money to him. "Take it and kill yourself in some girl's bed."
She was slightly surprised when he took the money and put it in his pocket, not bothering to count it. Most men would have counted it but not Dave. He cared only about what he got and not the details. Four years before he had been the animal in her life, arousing her time and time again. Lucky for her she hadn't born his child, her young stomach swelling with the terrible secret inside of her.
"Let's see your pocketbook," he said, grinding.
"No, you don't."
She sounded confident but she was frightened. What if he took it all? He'd run and sometimes people got away from the police. They weren't always caught.
"The pocketbook," he said. "Let's take a peek."
She didn't lie to him.
"I sold my car."
"Then you ought to have a lot. Cars like that don't sell cheap."
She was weary and still frightened.
"It's for the show, Dave. It's for moving and all that."
"To hell with moving." He started for the pocketbook and then stopped. "Why not you First?" he wanted to know. "You and the way it used to be." He shook his head but it was obvious that he wasn't changing his mind. "You and the money."
"I paid you," she said. "What do you want?".
"The works, baby."
Unfortunately he was between her and the pocketbook and he couldn't get to it. He was strong and she remembered his strength, the strength of a mountain lion pulling down a helpless calf. She backed away from him, knowing that if she lost the money all was lost. No matter what kind of weather they had they wouldn't be able to take in enough to cover expenses. They would die in this town and nobody could prevent it.
"Be reasonable," she implored of him. "You look good the way you are, good and ripe."
"Shut up. Please shut up." He stepped toward her.
"You're mine," he said. "You and the money."
"You can get in trouble."
"Prove it, prove I had you or I took money."
He was coming for her, driving her to the wall, when she heard the door of the trailer open and close. He heard it, too, and he came to a halt as though he had been shot. As he did she dashed to snatch up a robe, found the sieves tangled in almost a hopeless mess and fought her way into it. She was breathless, not wanting Laura to find her this way, for the girl to think that she was as low as any of them. And you had to be low to have anything to do with Dave Moore. You had to be right down at the bottom of the ladder.
She didn't quite make it.
Even the belt on the robe wasn't tied, hiding her middle, when she let out a gasp.
Earl stood in the doorway of the room.
"Well," he said with deadly softness.
His face was hard, like the hardness of a brick wall. His eyes moved taking in everything, then kept on moving. His hands were at his sides but the fingers were huge, big enough to kill a man and send the man into his grave. But it was his face that she noticed mostly, the nervous twitch at one corner of his mouth and, of course, his eyes, eyes that were bitter.
Dave sucked in his breath and shrugged his shoulders. He grinned but the grin was sick. She even thought that it was a trifle weak. He'd always said that he wasn't afraid of anybody but it was obvious that he was afraid just then. He had reason to be. He was big, powerful, but certainly not a match for the man who stood in the doorway.
"I'd better be going," Dave said. His words were even, paced by thought, perhaps fear. He looked at May as she tied the robe. "And thanks for the talk, May. It was good."
"You're welcome," she murmured.
Dave shuffled to the door and for a second she believed that Earl wasn't going to let him pass. But he did. He stepped into the room, his shoulder ramming into Dave and almost knocking the other man down. For a moment Dave paused, seemed to be thinking about what he might do, then disappeared from view. Seconds later the outer door closed behind him.
She tried to look at Earl and couldn't, not in that moment as silence filled the trailer. She knew how it must appear to him but she was grateful that he had come in. Without him she would have been lost, Dave taking her as he had before, her body aching from him and her inner disgust mounting every moment that he knew her. And she would have lost the money. He would have stolen it and all of her sacrifice would have been for nothing. No, it wasn't good like this, not good at all, but a whole lot better than it might have been.
"I must have lost my charm," Earl said and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Whenever I walk in and find Dave with a woman she's naked."
Painfully, she came to her own defense.
"I wasn't naked, Earl."
"No, but you had been."
"Just as he said, we were talking."
"Do you have to take off your clothes to talk?" He laughed but there was no humor in it. "Or were you really doing something else?"
"Earl," she said miserably. "Oh, Earl."
He caught up her dress from the floor and examined it. He saw the rip, threw the dress aside.
"You let him do that to you?" he wanted to know.
She had to have a cigarette and she lit one.
"Maybe I did it," she replied. "It was tight and I got mad."
"Perhaps I'm a little mad, May."
She inhaled the smoke. It almost chocked her.
"All right, be mad but it wasn't what you think at all. Of course I knew Dave, four years ago. He was asking about my father. I told him it was bad."
Earl nodded and leaned back on the bed, resting on his elbows , his eyes, now moody, wandering over her. She smiled some feeling proud of her body, contented to know that she had the best curves on the lot. And she knew how to use them. The men who had come to the girlie show had found that out.
"I'll take your word for it," Earl decided. "But if I thought he had done anything to you I might be tempted to kill him. Or beat him up, anyway."
"Earl, don't. We can't afford any trouble. We've got plenty as it is." She didn't think of telling him about the money she had. "Trouble we don't need. We can do without it."
He nodded again, his smile flashing only to become lost in the hardness of his face.
"He's a bum, May. He's always been a bum. He sleeps with any woman he can and he's about as honest as one of the wheels on the midway. If he wasn't a good driver I'd let him go. They're hard to get. The pay isn't high and they don't stick."
"Let's forget it," she said. "He shouldn't have been in here but I can't apologize for that."
"How well did you know him before?"
"Not well," she lied. The truth would have ended for them, swiftly. "I was just a kid, what do you expect?"
"He wouldn't have cared what you were. A woman could be fat and fifty or a girl could be so young that she didn't know what it was all about and he wouldn't care. He's never cared."
She put out the cigarette. What she wanted she shouldn't have wanted, just as she shouldn't have wanted him when she had done that wild fiance. Yet the want was there, pouring through her with the force of a giant river out of control. Want, she guessed, was a terrible, beautiful thing.
"You live with a girl," she said, not actually knowing why she felt as though she had to hurt him. "Is that caring?" Maybe she had to be certain just how he thought of her. "Is that caring Earl?"
She could see the sweat on his forehead.
"I only came in to talk to you about the show," he said.
"Why?"
"Because I was thinking but I can't figure out how to do other than what we are. I don't want you in it. You could kick me in the guts and it couldn't hurt more than having those men look at you. It never bothered me much before, about Valerie or any of the other girls. It's just a job to them but somehow it's different with you."
"Don't concern yourself over me." Another thing she shouldn't do was to open her robe wider but she did, exposing her soft heaving volupous breasts. "Do it to me, Earl....the way you loved me before....and only remember that about right now."