Chapter 11

Methodically now, I began to manipulate life in terms of my vicious vendetta against Teddy. I had an insane, graphic urge to commit murder, pure deliberate murder; I wanted to wring his neck ... after I twisted a butcher knife through his lascivious guts and let him slowly bleed out. But I was not a killer. While I believed in an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth in this particular circumstances, I didn't have it in me at all to take a life in vicious cold blood. There were other meaner ways, though....

Think, think, I told myself. Think! Yet no satisfactory justice jelled. I decided that I was still too dazed, too close to the whole matter, too highly emotionally involved at the moment to think clearly and sanely enough to plunge ahead directly. And so I bided my time ... with a certain relish! Yes, I must admit that I rather wanted to be sickly sadistic with Teddy, eventually. And I was a patient man-an unforgiving man, too. For finally I let the bells ring loud and clear ... at long last I permitted something deep down inside me to make me keenly aware that the "love" in life is perhaps the only real "joy"-after the wild oats of sex are sowed. Bluntly, I suppose I only craved the ordinary ... love ... but I was not prepared to open my heart wide and disguise my zeal for the sexual experimental just yet! And this I also discovered: neither was Shirley!

"Come on, I'll take you home in a cab," I told her after Teddy staggered away in his cocky triumph, laughing off my serious threats.

"Oh ... no. No," she said stunned stubbornly. "I mean, I can't beg off work-I have appointments to photograph some hotel guests by the pool."

"And you're in fine shape for that, aren't you?" I said wryly. "You are trembling like a leaf in a hurricane; your eyes are almost swollen shut from tears!"

"I've just got to pull myself together, that's all," Shirley wailed. "I'll be all right in a few minutes. Really I will!"

I registered doubt and disgust. "Listen to me-do you want to stick around here ... until Teddy makes a phone call and Carol comes to pick you up after work?"

Shirley's eyes went wide. "Why not? That arrangement is in the cards! Isn't it? We-I agreed to go along with ... her devious desires!"

"Well, you don't have to fling your body at her right today!"

Shirley sighed heavily. "Why prolong the pain ... and pleasure?"

"P-pleasure!" I snapped chokedly. "You can't possibly still be looking forward to ... dyke sex!"

Shirley looked sheepish. "Maybe it is insane ... but yes, I still have to find out and learn my nature, regardless."

"Goddamnit! I could ... spank the daylights out of you!"

"Maybe that will come later, too-if I can bring myself to it."

I was flabbergasted. "Shirley, all this isn't fun and games!"

"Some of it has got to be treated that way," she snapped back. "Or else I'll go right out of my mind!"

Instantly, I knew she had a point. "Okay, okay," I said shakily. "Just don't-please don't get yourself into any deeper hot water if you place any value on...."

"What?"

"O-our-friendship!"

"Oh, Steve ... don't rationalize us now!" Shirley cried. "Granted, we're in a real mess together. But ... it really doesn't change what I told you last night-we have to be our own free agents! We must experiment ... take and learn ... and only then can we decide something-from our experiences."

"Oh hell!" I exploded. "Maybe we ought to just go jump in the ocean right now...!"

Shirley registered annoyance. "Steve, who are you trying to kid? If I went completely along with you now-I mean married you-it would make us both miserable for the rest of our entire lives because ... we'd always be thinking of what we'd missed with others! So let's not play round robin about it any more; let's just take one day at a time, and things-experiences-as they happen to us."

"And that kind of action is surely the beginning of our end," I thundered. "Once we really go our separate ways, I really doubt that we'll ever get back together. Sex will pull us too far apart!"

"Well ... only time will truly tell that."

"Big deal," I growled. "Boiling everything down ... you just seem to have a lot of phony optimism!"

"Oh ... this isn't getting us anywhere!"

Shirley cried in a voice that was full of frustration.

"No, it's not. So ... I'll see you around, Shirley," I muttered angrily hurt. "If this is really the way you want to play it ... I'm not going to let any grass grow under my feet either!" And I stalked off in a trembling huff ... making at least one fast and solid decision.

I took the nearest cab straight back to Teddy's apartment and ran to the bedroom closet and pulled down my three suitcases. I was going to clear out of there. Enough was enough-of tainted, twisted Teddy. The move would undoubtedly T Teddy off even more, I realized, since my "week" with him wasn't up yet ... but I couldn't have cared less, and I imagined that he would be glad I was getting out when he calmed down and considered it sanely, because we were both so overwrought with each other that it wasn't really impossible that, together in the same apartment for a whole night, we just might fly off the handle, come to blatant blows ... and actually kill one another! At least, that's the fact I laid down to him before he could get a word in edge-wise when he came home in a huff while I was packing my last bag.

"I thought you'd try this!" he fumed.

"Don't try to stop me," I warned him, then quickly pointed my feelings out to him as I folded my shirts.

"Okay, I'm sick of sex with you anyway," Teddy shrugged after I'd finished speaking my thoughts. "You're good riddance! But you be on time, bright eyed and bushy tailed too, at the pool tomorrow morning-out of sight isn't out from under my thumb by a long shot!"

"Don't start anything again," I said evenly, snapping my suitcases shut. "Don't you dare start one more thing now-or I'm liable to bash your brains out! I mean it, Teddy. I've had you up to here-and then some!"

Abruptly, he changed his tactic-turte. "Aw-w-w-w, Steve-it doesn't have to end like this, in a rage of hate, does it?"

I glared at him, sighing in bewilderment. "Of all the low down ... you made the battle bed...!"

"Yeah, yeah," he grinned impishly. "Color me son of a bitch. But, you know ... we're birds of a feather, you and I! And we really do deserve each other-with my brains and your talent ... we could milk the horny tourists dry!"

I sat down on the bed. I traced the leather binding of a suitcase with my fingers. My voice sounded odd as I began to he. "I might-I just might go along with you, all the way ... if you'd let Shirley clean out, and destroy those pictures of her."

Teddy stared hard at me for a moment, then he grinned boyishly. "What the hell, pal ... I need some insurance-against you!"

"No deal, then. And don't beg-"

"Oh, I never beg for anything," he said easily. "It just seems such a crying shame to me that you ... fell head over heels for a girl."

"What did you expect? I'm not queer!" I snapped.

"Nope. And, that's the pity! Maybe-maybe I could find some gorgeous gay guy to switch you!"

"Meaning?" I inquired.

Teddy shrugged. "Gay boys of your type don't have any morals ... or manners to other human beings. They are human cash registers, that's all. And before they're too old to cut the mustard-they're filthy rich! It's the lap of luxury, if you can bring yourself to play the A.C.-D.C. role with tricks."

Now I affected an impish grin. "You know-you know, maybe I've lost all sight of my common sense lately!"

Teddy looked at me with raised eyebrows. "You really would reconsider and give Shirley the old heave-ho, after all?"

"Aren't nice girls a dime a dozen?" I countered.

And I began to shake inside; I felt sick to my stomach. Now that I had baited Teddy this far, I suddenly wanted to stop and bash his teeth down his throat and get away. I could hardly stand it ... but I had to start his comeuppance. And it was going to be repulsive business for me-yet just the beginning for him!

Teddy frowned a bit. "Isn't your change of attitude-a little sudden?"

"Let's say-I'd rather switch than fight!" I shrugged. "Seriously I'm a stud hustler, first and foremost. I guess I've lost all sight of that lately; I've been some kind of a nut! I mean, where does settling down ever get the common man? I'll tell you-right behind the eight ball of a sky-high stack of bills! And I've always wanted to be free as a bird ... until I let that little bitch put her strings on me!"

"Shirley wants to hog-tie you to the conventional," Teddy agreed.

"That's for damned sure! But the picture has suddenly cleared up for me," I assured him. "And, no dizzy dame is ever going to strap me to her apron strings!"

"I knew you'd eventually come to," Teddy chuckled delightedly.

"I've just flushed Shirley all out of my system."

"Are you-very sure, Steve?"

I nodded emphatically. "I'm sure. Now, don't just stand there looking at me in that dumbfounded way. Come here ... to the reformed saint! And let's be real sinners!"

"You mean...?"

"You're a hell of a hunk trick for fun, Teddy. Come here!"

"Damn, you are something, too!" Teddy said, his eyes rolling after I kissed him with an ardor that startled him ... and scattered all his lingering doubts about me, willy-nilly. "Let's get naked!"

We did in a flash; then I became the eager aggressor-silently making him completely surrender until he was absolutely delirious over being wanted, needed, conquered. And my hypnotizing fingers kneaded the muscles of his wide shoulders,-went down the sides of his rib cage ... and I slowly followed all this up with the caressing of my mouth and tongue ... until the instant he cried out in his stupendous happiness, the instant his hands went on my head and pulled at my hair ... I deliberately buckled my balance ... and at the same time gnashed my teeth. Hard!

The tender flesh tore, top and bottom! Neither the tangy taste of spurting blood nor the shriek swelling to a scream from Teddy's throat gave me any response of victory or excitement. To tell the truth, I was rather appalled and ashamed that some deep, dark force of angry evil within me had goaded me to this revengeful extent. I'll never forget ... Teddy's painful incoherence.

"Oh-O-O-O-damn, damn, damn! It's ... ah-h-h-h ... k-k-killing me! Oh! Oh! OH-H-HELP ME! You bastard! You r-r-rotten bastard! You did that d-d-deliberately!"

"You're insane ... with pain!" I cried out emphatically. "The way you were thrashing about made me lose my balance."

"L-l-liar!" Teddy's breath was dry and labored; his body was doubled up and heaved with spasms. "G-g-gotta call my doctor! G-g-gotta get help!"

"Let me-"

"N-o-no! You get ... o-o-out of here! I'll get you I-I-later for this! I'll kill you!"

"Listen to me!" I shouted. "It was an accident! I'm so sorry...."

"Go to h-h-hell!"

Suddenly, I couldn't stand it. I heard myself stammer again, "I ... I'm sorry." Then I bumped through the bedroom doorway, lugging my suitcases, and a moment later I bolted outside into the fresh clean air. I was outraged inside; the mere idea that I had stooped to Teddy's level of things infuriated me.

What was I becoming? That's what my conscience flung at me! Was my participation in the stud-hustling game perverting me to the worst evil corruption imaginable?

Abruptly, it seemed pretty plain ... I had to go through my own personal hell-fire and damnation ... and there was still quite a way to go ... before I reached Shirley-I had to cut out my own rot!

And I was one, I reminded myself, who always believed that money wasn't the root of all evil ... and that love was a game for fools.

My stomach suddenly rose, turned over, and fell away. I dropped my suitcases, rushed to bend over the curb ... but I was laughing-at life's bitter injustice.

I heard a car come up and stop in front of me. I ignored it. Then a motherly-feminine voice said, "Bettsy, help that poor young man!"