Chapter 9

Laura Standard had remonstrated with herself for days. She had reasoned, rationalized, saw her faults, her follies, and the inhibitions that plagued her. She knew the motivations for all of her troubles. And she knew something else, too. She was in love with Kurt Wiley. Finally, she admitted it to herself. But the realization did not cause her excitement or give her a thrill. It caused sorrow. Sorrow that she was incapable of the physical love that was kin to emotional love. She knew that both were needed in order to claim Kurt as her own.

When Thelma Andrews failed to come back to the office where Laura worked after the teacher's last seminar of the afternoon had ended, Laura finished up the work that remained, waited another half-hour, then left the office, feeling at loose ends, wondering what to do.

For an hour, Laura strolled the campus. It was a beautiful place and she thought what a shame it was that Funston was not the setting for true education, that it was a gathering place for playboys and playgirls who had flunked out of other colleges. When she thought of this, she automatically created an image of one of the playboys, her own handsome, Kurt Wiley. Yet, there was something about him that was different, Laura decided. True, his father was rich and Kurt was irresponsible. Still, there was something about him that was different than most of the boys of Funston, she reasoned. There was gentleness in him she knew this. And no doubt there was ability in him, too, she thought as she recalled how she had looked into his records, found and scanned his aptitude and intelligence tests, all of which rated him higher than anyone else in the school. And yet he was at Funston, at a flunk-out, love-it-up school because he had been negligent of work, indifferent to responsibilities, and unable to keep abreast of requirements at other colleges. Why? Laura asked herself. Then she answered, too much money too little of the drive that was required of the poor. Too much and too little, that seemed to be the plight of Kurt Wiley.

Laura found herself at the far end of the campus that ended at a trail that wound its way through thick woods. She paused at the mouth of the trail, deliberating her course, trying to decide whether she should proceed or turn back and go to her lonely cottage. After a moment, Laura decided on the woods and a walk. It would do her good, clear her mind, perhaps even give her direction, she decided.

The sun was hidden from full view as soon as she entered the woods. Splotches of it shot through the trees, hitting the path and all of the vicinity in an odd, crisscross pattern of light and dark. It made Laura feel as if she had entered another world, one that was away from reality a world of mystery and plotting.

It was a good quarter mile before Laura came to a clearing. She paused within its circle. She looked in the direction of three paths that crossed at the clearing, trying to decide which one to take. One led to the beach, another to the athletic field which was little used, and the third led back to the campus by another more indirect route than the one she had taken.

Laura thought how much choosing paths was like the decisions of life. One might lead to happiness the other to bitter loneliness. And one path might even lead to destruction. Laura headed down the path that led to the beach, thinking as she moved how so much of her life was concerned with beaches and the things that could happen there.

The sun hit her hard in the eyes as she came out of the woods and stood at the edge of the beach, all the golden-brown sand before her leading directly to the blue water. The space between was broken only by sand dunes, those same kind of sand dunes that also had been a part of her life, the scene for her contemplation, the place where she had often taken shelter from the torments of reality.

Laura walked slowly toward the nearest sand dune. When she started to circle it and head toward the lake, she heard voices. She stopped abruptly.

The voices were those of a boy and a girl. Laura did not recognize them, but guessed that they were those of fellow students at Funston. She started to move on, then stopped again, taken by an irresistible urge to eavesdrop, something she had most of her life avoided.

"Lots of things happen to people that change their lives," Laura heard the boy say.

"I'm not arguing that point," the girl said. "I'm just saying that a person is a complete fool if they let something of their past get in the way of their future."

"But people can't help it," the boy insisted.

"Oh, I think they can if they want to," the girl answered.

There was a lull. Laura, still standing in the position she had frozen to when she heard the voices, keened her senses to hear more. But it remained quiet. Very carefully, Laura moved from where she stood to a position directly behind the same dune against which the other couple were sheltered. Laura leaned her back against the sand wall, anxious for the conversation to continue, for, oddly, it somehow seemed related to herself.

"You see," the unknown girl said, "lots of people will use the past as an excuse for hurting their present lives."

"How do you mean?" the boy asked.

"Well, it's a principle that was established by Jung you know him, don't you?"

"Not very well," the boy laughed. "As a matter-of-fact, we've never met."

The girl laughed, then said, "You're a real silly."

"Go on, tell me more," the boy said.

"Well, number one Freud you know him, I'm sure."

"Very well," the boy answered. "We're regular old buddies."

"Well, Freud said that the things of the past got in the way of one's present," the girl continued, ignoring the boy's attempt at humor. "Jung took an opposite view. Jung said that many people used the past as an excuse for the problems they have. In other words, they're saying they can't do this or can't do that because of something that happened to them a long time ago."

"And that's not right, eh?" asked the boy.

"Not necessarily," the girl told him. "It's different for different people. But I do know that it's the truth for some people. They just keep remembering the past even referring to it sometimes as the reason that they can't get over the problems they have at the moment."

"Hey, that's interesting, you know," the boy said.

"Very interesting," the girl agreed. "I know something else that's interesting, too," the boy said.

"What's that?" asked the girl. "You."

"Ah, go on," she kidded.

"Come here," the boy said, his voice suddenly deeper and more serious.

Laura judged that the girl responded to the boy's request for it became very quiet. As she rested her back against the wall of the dune, Laura became aware of her heart beating fast. She knew its cause. She knew that it was a result of the words that the couple had exchanged, the conversation about an old-world psychologist and his opinions of problems. And though she felt a bit frightened, a bit apprehensive and fearful because she was at the font of discovery, Laura recognized that fortune had placed her at the threshold of discovery about herself.

Wasn't she doing the exact thing the girl mentioned, Laura considered. Wasn't she allowing an event of her fourteenth year an event that was harsh and painful run her life even now, causing it to be distorted? Wasn't that it? Laura asked herself. Wasn't it? Truly? Really?

Laura acknowledged that it was the truth, that she had latched on to her love-making with a stranger she had met at the beach as a means of denying herself happiness at the moment. But why? Guilt? Laura answered herself. She had felt guilt for the affair, especially for responding to it, and because children's lives were sometimes directed by fear, she had let it dominate hers. And there had been the other things too. The police, her parents everyone making her feel dirty while all the time Laura kept remembering her immense responses to the man's sexual giving responses that were made to be considered dirty and of the devil.

Laura pushed a bit away from the sand dune. She felt lighter, much lighter than she had for a long time. She was sure that it was because this chance conversation between two strangers had lifted the weight of guilt from her shoulders. And Laura felt free throughout her body. She felt very happy, extremely capable, and without fear for the love that Kurt Wiley had wanted to express to her.

She pushed further away from the sand dunes. It was then that the voices on the other side resumed their conversation.

"Ummmm, that was nice," the girl said.

"Yeah, nice. Real nice," the boy said, his voice sounding rather sleepy.

Laura smiled. She knew that they had just ended a kiss. She remembered her own experience with kissing, particularly the kisses of Kurt Wiley, and she felt her breasts bloat outward as her thighs began a slight quivering.

"Come close again," the boy said to the girl.

"Why?"

"Because I like to feel you close to me," he said.

"Do you? Honest?"

"More than anything," he said like a plea. "Do you like to touch me too?" she asked. "Oh, you know I do," he exclaimed. "Where? Here?"

"Yes, there," the boy said. "Especially there, because you're so soft and warm and...."

"Maybe it would be all right if I if I--"

There was a soft sound of movement, then the boy's voice, excited now, saying, "Oh, yes, take it off please. That's wonderful. Now

I can--really touch you and hold you."

The silence that followed these words crashed upon Laura like an avalanche. She knew that the girl had removed some of her clothing, that she and the boy now lashed their bodies together with the new thrill of flesh between them. And she envied them and felt denied. Laura felt cheated. And she knew that she was the cheat, that it was she who had committed a larceny upon herself by letting the past interfere with the present and the happiness that she could know. Could know-with Kurt Wiley.

Laura pushed to her feet. She was breathing hard. Her breasts were so swollen and the nipples so hard that she was sure they must burst. And her stomach indented in little quivers of expectant thrill little ripples of anticipation, for that moment that would relieve them, calm them, make them peaceful through love.

Laura hurried away from her concealment. She hurried to the woods, then up the path she had traveled, not knowing where she was headed, knowing only that she must hurry and find Kurt, find him and tell him of the things she had discovered tell him of her love for him.