Chapter 6
JANICE returned to work in the morning-to her usual job with the stenographers' pool. The day was long and difficult. She was miserably unhappy. Her hurt over knowing how shallow was Al's attitude toward her had not eased. What he felt for her could not be called love. What did she feel for him?
She was relieved when five o'clock came and she could go home.
Entering the apartment, she received a jolt. Al had left a note on the coffee table in the living room. In his oversized, extroverted scrawl, he had written:
I warned you I'd walk out if you wouldn't be reasonable, and I'm doing just that. I've taken some of my things, and I won't be back until you come to your senses.
Janice sank onto the couch. She felt as if a kind of insanity had entered her once orderly world. Whoever had originally been to blame-the madness now encompassed them both. Perhaps it even touched Jay.
No-not Jay, she decided. He had simply taken what he wanted-and he had not bothered her today.
What would happen now?
Suddenly she decided she hated Al. She recognized the decision as mental rather than emotional-a defensive gesture toward sanity. She would make no effort to get him back. She would not call the used-car lot and plead with him-or even ask about him. He would come crawling back to her soon enough. He liked even the little money she made in the steno pool, she thought viciously.
She dropped the offending note on the coffee table, went into the kitchen and fixed herself a whiskey with water. She took a long pull at the drink, then added more whiskey to it. She blinked away her tears-of what? Of anger? Self-pity? Or simple madness? She carried her drink to the bedroom, and there, abruptly, she was struck by her aloneness. The knowledge that Al would not be coming home made the apartment seem empty-she felt cheated even of the chance to fight with him. She had to get out herself. She would crack up if she stayed alone in this place-which had suddenly become meaningless, a place without pride or sense.
Jay, she thought. He was still sane. Opportunist, perhaps-but sane. She needed somebody who still operated predictably. He would probably want to make love to her-but was that bad? At least it was something she understood.
She took a long swallow of her drink, then set the glass on the nightstand. She found the telephone book and looked up Jay's home number. She hesitated a moment, picked up the receiver and dialed.
A woman answered. "Mr. Bolton's residence."
"May I speak to Mr. Bolton, please?"
"I'm sorry, but he isn't at home. He is expected shortly. Shall I have him call you?"
"Yes,, please," Janice said. She gave her number. "Tell him it's Mrs. Kirby."
Janice cradled the receiver, far from sure that Jay was what she wanted. She still could envision no permanent relationship with him-their worlds were too far apart. Even if he became free to marry again-she could never make him a proper wife.
But tonight, she told herself resolutely, Jay had to be her medicine. She had no one else to whom she could turn.
She went into the bathroom and turned on the water in the tub. She returned to the bedroom and slowly undressed, waiting for the phone to ring. She was anxious-now-to see Jay. The apartment, her thoughts of Al, were oppressive. If Jay accomplished nothing else-he would be an escape for her.
For one night.
The phone did not ring until after she had taken a leisurely bath. She was toweling herself when the phone rang. She hurried into the bedroom, beads of water still dotting her breasts.
Jay Bolton said, "I got your message," and let her take it from there.
She had a sudden fear that he was annoyed.
"I've changed my mind, Jay," she told him. "Something's happened. I'd like to see you."
"I have an engagement, but I can cancel it," he said after a pause. "When and where shall we meet?"
She said, "You decide."
"Dinner?"
"If you like."
"Let's make it seven o'clock. Shall I come by your apartment?"
Why not? Al was not likely to come home and her neighbors were anonymous enough. None of them knew enough about her to draw conclusions from Jay's picking her up.
"Yes, please come," she said. "I'll be ready when you get here."
"All right, Janice," Jay said. "See you at seven."
She was ready quite a while before seven o'clock. She wore a semiformal dress, snug of bodice and straight of skirt, with a short, matching jacket. She meant to look attractive for Jay-she wanted him to want her tonight from the instant he saw her. Under the dress-she felt ready for him, even hungered for him for the first time before he was there. She wanted that sense of conquest she had known with him yesterday afternoon-the feeling of being necessary to a man that Al had always denied her.
She was on edge and kept wishing Jay would come. She would develop a bad case of nerves if he were late. She was jittery about the annoyance she had detected in his voice and wondered what engagement he had broken to be with her.
A gleaming Continental came slowly along the street. Janice recognized it and hurriedly left the apartment. Jay was crossing the sidewalk when she opened the outer door below.
She was still edgy and had to force a smile.
"Hello," she said.
He looked at her intently. "You said something happened. What?"
She nodded. "Something-I'll tell you later. Let's go, shall we?"
She felt uncomfortable standing on the sidewalk with him, although it was un-likely that Al would show up or that anyone else was paying any attention to them.
He led her to his car. She did not really relax even after they were away from her neighborhood. What was she uneasy about? The possibility of Al's finding out? Or Jay's earlier annoyance on the phone?
Jay glanced at her. ."You look very lovely."
"Thank you."
"But tense."
"I feel all knotted up inside," she said. "I'm doing something I'm new to, I'm afraid."
He gave her a searching look. "Don't be afraid. What happened to make you call me?"
"My husband has walked out on me."
"He found out about you and me?"
"He knows about us."
"I'm sorry, Janice. The last thing I wanted was to cause you trouble."
"I'm not sure trouble is the word. Unhappiness might be closer to the truth."
Jay went on, "I know I'm being selfish-but I'm glad you chose me to call. I was pretty unhappy until you did." He paused, then added, "I can't believe you're deeply in love with him. If you were-what's happened between us would never have taken place. Has he offered to divorce you?"
"No. Divorce isn't on his mind."
"You think he'll come back eventually?"
"Eventually, maybe."
"Do you want him back?"
"Tonight-I just needed to talk to someone."
"That's all?"
Talking about Al had brought back her hurt and anger. She answered Jay spitefully.
"Oh, you can have me if you want me," she said. "Fair's fair. I cry on your shoulder-you use my body for lacks."
Jay winced.
He said stiffly, "I hadn't considered what is between us as just something for kicks. I don't make a habit of other men's wives."
Janice felt rebuked.
"I'm sorry, Jay. I'm on edge-angry at my husband."
"But isn't he the injured party?"
"You don't know the whole of it."
"Oh? Will you tell me the rest?"
"I don't know," Janice said. "Not right now, anyway. Where are we going?"
"To an inn just outside the city. The food is good-and I reserved a room after I talked to you on the phone." He gave her an uncertain look. "We won't use the room, of course, if you'd rather not."
"For heaven's sake, Jay," she said, amused in spite of her unsettled emotional state. "Don't be so unsure of yourself when you're with me. I'm available-and you knew it when you reserved the room. Make the most of it."
He smiled wryly. "I deserved that, I suppose. But I'll never be sure of you, take you for granted. I reserved the room-against eventualities. How long do you think my luck with you will last?"
"The luck isn't all yours, you know."
"I feel it is," he said. "I know my limitations as a lover. My wife told me in no uncertain terms what they were."
"If you're less than adequate as a lover, I haven't noticed," Janice said.
But for the first time she gave the subject some thought. She had enjoyed the two occasions when he had made love to her. He had not left her unfulfilled-and his gentleness had been new to her. But a steady diet of tender, gentle, inhibited love-making might pall after a time. Maybe his wife had required more energetic sex expression. Janice herself might, after a time. She was accustomed to Al's ungentle, uninhibited love. Al was more than adequate.
And, she thought bitterly, how I hate him....
The inn was a huge, sprawling place. Its restaurant was swank. Jay ordered cocktails, an excellent dinner and tried to be pleasant company. But Janice remained in low spirits. After the leisurely meal Jay registered for the room he had reserved, rejoined Janice.
He smiled at her. "Nervous?"
"A little," she said. "And I should be. I've never been at a motel with a man other than my husband. How did you register?"
"Mr. and Mrs. John Hammond," he said, grinning at her. "Hello, Mrs. Hammond." He grew serious. "This won't be necessary often," he said. "Tomorrow I'll start seeing about an apartment-in a discreet location."
"I'm not sure you should."
"Because you may decide against seeing me after tonight?" She nodded. "I'll run that risk."
Jay had brought liquor and arranged for ice and mixes. The room was large and pleasant. Jay poured drinks. Janice slipped off her jacket and touched up her lips. Her mirrored image was not that of a woman about to make love. Her eyes had no sparkle. Her mouth was sulky. She made a face at herself, then turned to take the drink Jay had fixed for her.
He lifted his glass in a toast. "To a beginning."
She forced a smile. "Isn't it either too late-or too early?"
"Neither, I hope."
She drank to his toast-without sharing his wish. She still felt uncommitted, without direction.
Jay seemed to sense her mood. He did not press matters and, after a second drink, she decided to set about getting the most out of tonight. She went to Jay, took his drink, set it aside and seated herself on his lap. She slipped her arms about his neck and pressed her mouth against his. She kissed him lingeringly, sensed his quick response. She also succeeded in kindling desire in herself. She began to want him.
"Do you think you're in love with me?" she asked, rubbing her cheek against his.
"Right now," Jay said, "I'm sure of it."
"As much as with your wife?"
"No comparison."
"You can't love two people at the same time-can you?"
"I can't. I haven't loved my wife for some time. I may have thought I still did-before I met you."
"What about me? Can I love two men?"
"You couldn't be like this with me if you didn't love me-at least a little. I don't know how you feel about your husband."
"Right now I hate the guy," she said. "Tell me how much more you love me than you do your wife. Come on-tell me."
He shook his head. "Love has no measure."
She took his hand and pressed it against her thigh, under the skirt.
"Now tell me you're not feeling a rise in temperature."
She sensed that he was annoyed, not amused. His hand remained inert where she had placed it. His eyes grew withdrawn.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I am in a nasty mood. I'll try to get over it now." She kissed him again. "Help me, why don't you?"
He looked at her uncertainly for a moment, then began to caress her. His hands and mouth grew gradually possessive, until passion was touched off in them both.
Only then did her low mood-and her urge to be nasty-leave Janice.