Chapter 5
SHE surrendered-unconditionally. She gave herself no reasons for lying naked in Jay Bolton's arms, moments later. To be possessed by him was simply the easiest solution to her tensions, her doubts of Al and his feelings toward her-her doubts and fears of herself. Let what would follow take care of itself. Afterward she would feel ashamed and guilty, but now-now she merely wanted to experience again the pleasure of making love with a man who was tender toward her-at least in the act of passion.
She knew a mounting feeling of release from pressures that had ridden her since yesterday-perhaps longer. Perhaps, subconsciously, from that rainy Sunday on-when Al had first suggested she sleep with Jay. She sensed now that Jay Bolton was more completely hers than Al had ever been-or would be. She knew that Jay would never trade her off or use her for profit. She could probably even bind him to her in a sort of servitude. The realization made her exult in her femaleness-she had never thought of it as a tool with which to enslave such a man.
But even as she was joined to him and reveling in discovery and sensation-she told herself to slow down. Not at this instant-but later. She was not by nature a cheat. She could base no plans, no future, on what she felt now. She was too new to the game-and probably she would not, must not, prolong the affair. The truth was that she wanted to belong only to Al. She was afraid not to. No permanent involvement with Jay could be as simple as Al had outlined-a matter of give and take and bargaining. Jay evoked forces in her she barely understood. She would have avoided even this entrapment-if he had not sought her out.
And trapped she was-into matching his every movement, every gesture and caress in a mutual struggle for fulfillment. It came-and for the little while that total sensation of oneness lasted, that brief fusion when it seemed they could never part. In that instant the danger flamed brightly-and she knew that she, too, could become enslaved.
She continued to know it when he rose from her and the moment was gone. She snatched up her lounging pajamas from the floor beside the bed and went to the bathroom.
When she returned, wearing the pajamas, her smeared lipstick repaired and tousled hair combed, Jay was dressed. He had lit a cigarette and studied her through the smoke with a curious uncertainty.
She could guess at the reason for his unsureness from her own feelings. She went to him and gave him a quick, light kiss.
"Would you like a drink, Jay?"
"No, thank you," he said. "But I would like to talk to you-in a serious way."
"And I to you," she replied. "Let's go into the living-room and sit down."
She sat cross-legged on the couch, watched him seat himself in a lounge chair. He looked grave, tense. She could guess what he wanted to talk about-a continuing affair, a permanent involvement. The very thing she did not want.
She said soberly, "Jay, it may save a lot of discussion if I talk first. I don't want this to happen again. I really, truly, honestly don't. I'm not quite sure why we've become involved at all. You're an attractive man-and I seem to have a weakness for you. But there's something else. I don't like to cheat-either my husband or you. And so far I've cheated you both."
He said soberly, "I understand the first part-not the last. How have you cheated me? It seems to me I've taken advantage of you."
"I can't explain it yet-even to myself. But I've got to face up to certain facts and not see you again. There isn't enough of me for both you and my husband-and I'm not about to give him up." She added: "You can take that as a compliment."
He was frowning now. "A pretty left-handed one. Janice-you can't imagine how much you mean to me. We could arrange something more suitable. I wouldn't come here again. And we wouldn't sneak our love-making in my office. If I set up an apartment-"
"No matter how attractive you made it, Jay, I would still be cheating-either you or Al-or both of you."
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you-even to letting myself be cheated. Whatever that means."
"The answer is still no."
"I could arrange for you to have a well-paying job, a real career with the company."
Janice thought of how pleased Al would be. But she shook her head.
"That would be too much like prostitution. I couldn't accept payment for-for loving you."
"It wouldn't be payment."
"Of course, it would."
"It would give me pleasure to give to you, to take care of you."
Janice did not reply to that at once. She was tempted. Al would want her to accept. He would be pleased. And if matters turned out so that there really was not enough of her to share-if, in other words, she fell in love with Jay, out of love with Al-what could she lose?
The answer was-everything. Jay was married to a woman who refused to give him a divorce. Living and loving in the shadow of another woman's marriage was not what Janice wanted from life.
She had to be the one with the conscience to save herself. For Al had none-nor Jay, either. Both of these men of hers, she realized, wanted to make use of her-although Jay's demands would be for love only.
"I won't do it," she said emphatically. "I don't even want to discuss this further. In fact, I think you'd better leave now."
Jay was more manageable than Al. He got up obediently and went to the door. He looked back at her.
"If you should change your mind-" I wont.
"But you will come back to the office?"
"Not to work with you," she said. "I'll stay in the stenographers' pool. I can't give up my job."
"At least I'll like knowing you're still with the company," he said.
Without saying more-not even goodbye-he left the apartment.
Al did not come home immediately after work that night, proof that he was still sore. She spent the evening watching television. At eleven o'clock, when he still had not arrived, she went to bed.
She lay wakeful, anger at work in her. She had finally convinced herself that Al's casual attitude toward infidelity had caused her to compromise herself with Jay. She would have resisted Jay's attractiveness, his claim on her sympathies, if Al had not suggested the involvement. Al had no right to be sore. If he meant to punish her by staying out until all hours, he was being downright cruel. He probably guessed she wanted things out with him.
She was still awake, though she pretended not to be, when he finally got home, some time after midnight. He took no pains not to disturb her. He turned on the bedside lamp, made unnecessary noise while preparing for bed. He said nothing to her, however, and finally turned off the fight and got in beside her.
She lay still, her back to him, not wanting to talk to him now-or have him touch her. But he immediately reached out, his hands seeking. She pushed them away.
"Don't bother me."
He persisted, slipping a groping hand under her shortie nightgown to her breasts.
"What's the matter?" he asked. His voice was thick. He had been drinking heavily. "Don't play games with me, damn it. Or have you been putting it out for free to that boss of yours again?"
Janice said nothing.
He grew rough with her-and suddenly she found herself fighting him. She beat at his chest with her fists. He caught hold of her wrists.
"Got the devil in you tonight, huh? I'll get you over that."
He pinned her arms to her sides, pressed his chest against her breasts. She rolled her head, trying to avoid his kisses. He was rougher than he ever had been-and soon got his mouth clamped to hers.
But tonight proved different from last night, when he had wanted her after her first intimacy with Jay. Then she had been totally unresponsive, made frigid by guilt. Now perhaps a greater guilt made her respond explosively, despite her anger. Desire came-passion flared, born out of something close to despair.
"All right, you heel," she said finally. "Now let go of me."
She lay limp and exhausted beside him. She hoped he would say nothing, do nothing more. Usually he fell asleep after a session of love-making, but now he was wakeful.
"You've had time to think it over about Bolton," he said. "Have you decided to be sensible-do the practical thing?"
She tensed, her anger flaring freshly. "Are you going to start that all over again?"
"Why pass up the chance, for Pete's sake? What's the big deal about suckering me? Why cheat on me for free?"
"I told you I won't make a hustler of myself-and cheating on our marriage was your idea."
"You're dramatizing the whole bit."
"I'm doing nothing of the kind," she said. "You're not asking me to be faithful to you. What you're suggesting is nothing more than a form of prostitution. I'll have no part of it."
"You wouldn't be taking money."
"You'd spend what I got exactly as if it were money."
"Don't try to be funny. You'd be earning whatever Bolton paid you at a better job."
"I'd be earning the job by going to bed with Jay Bolton," Janice said. "For your information, I've already told him I won't. He came here this afternoon-because he suspected why I hadn't come to work today. He did offer me a better job, and I told him no. It's over and done with. I don't want to hear another word about it-from you or from him."
Al was silent for a long moment. Then he said angrily, "You dumb dame-throwing away a chance like that. You ought to have your head examined, that's for sure."
He turned his back to her. He was soon asleep.
Janice lay huddled, on her side of the bed-more hurt than angry now. She kept wondering over and over how Al could ask her for what he had-if he thought anything of her at all.