Chapter 9
For the next two weeks, Janis walked around the house like a zombie. She'd never felt so blue in her life. She had always prided herself on being a sexpot, a modern-day Delilah who could give any man in the world a haircut and have him begging for another trim. Right from the time she'd entered puberty her whole life had been devoted to seduction, but in one night Van had erased everything she'd thought she'd accomplished. He had humiliated her, stripped her of the one pride she had in herself, and with that gone there was nothing else to take its place.
Nothing seemed to interest her now. At meals she just picked at her food and went away from the table leaving half of it on her plate. Instead of watching television with Van and Peggy, she went upstairs to her room almost as soon as the sun went down and just lay on the bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling until she fell asleep with her clothes still on.
Even sex no longer interested her. Since that devastating night with Van, her desire seemed to dwindle down to nothing. She had no cravings for a man whatsoever, and even self-gratification failed to arouse her. On the two occasions she tried it—more out of lack of anything more interesting to do with herself than any lustful need—she stopped before she was anywhere near release, bored and disillusioned with the effort required in trying to excite herself. The old enthusiasm just wasn't there anymore and there was nothing Janis could think of to bring it back. Each time she tried, she kept hearing Van's voice repeating: You're good but Peggy's better ... Peggy's better ... Peggy's better.
The funny thing was, Janis didn't even feel a resentment toward her sister. Like a boxer who's been beaten and knows he has no chance of coming back for another round with his opponent, she stoically accepted defeat. Rather than envy or jealousy toward Peggy, she began to respect her sister for the first time in her life. She watched her as she moved about the house, so poised and confident, so sure of her position in Van's world.
Janis had never realized that Peggy could not only be competition for her, but a better woman in the bargain. Unconsciously she began to imitate her, dressing in more conservative clothes and fixing her make-up and hair in a way that emphasized the good qualities in her face and features more naturally. Her manner was more subdued, too. More humble and retiring, with none of the wise-cracking smartness that had characterized her personality throughout her teen-age years.
The change in Janis was so abrupt and so radical, in fact, that Peggy couldn't help noticing and wondering about it. "Honey?" she asked one afternoon, while she and Janis cleaned the living room. "Is anything the matter?"
"No," Janis said listlessly.
"Are you sure?" Peggy eyed her sister suspiciously, then took the dusting cloth from her hand and led her to the sofa. "Sit down," she ordered gently. "I want to know what's troubling you."
"Nothing," Janis muttered.
"Now come on, I know something is," Peggy chided. "I've never seen you act like this. You've been moping around the house for almost two weeks now, looking like your best friend just died." She put her arm around Janis's shoulder and pulled her close. "Are you homesick? Is that what's bothering you? Don't be afraid; you can tell me."
The well of emotion that had been building inside her during all those long, lonely days since the night with Van suddenly became too much to bear alone and, bursting into tears, she flung herself into her sister's arms. "Oh, Peggy!" she sobbed. "I'm so miserable! I just want to lay down and die!"
"Why, honey? Why?" Peggy soothed, running her fingers gently through Janis's hair as she held her close in comfort.
"Don't be nice to me, please!" Janis whimpered. "I couldn't bear it! I've done something so terrible and I'm so ashamed of myself!"
"You mean what happened that night with you and Van?"
A sharp chill ran down Janis's spine and she pulled away from Peggy. "You—know?"
Peggy nodded her head slowly, her eyes gentle and understanding. "I know," she said softly.
"How? Who told you?"
"Van told me. The morning after it happened."
"And you didn't say anything? You didn't do anything?"
"What could I say?" Peggy said, smiling gently. "It had already happened."
Janis covered her face with her hands and began to cry uncontrollably. "Oh, God!" she sobbed. "You've known all this time and still you've been so nice to me!"
"Honey." Peggy put her hand softly on her sister's shoulder and forced her to look into her eyes. "It doesn't make me love you or Van any less. Oh, I was, hurt when he first told me, and angry, too. But then I realized Van must love me an awful lot if he was able to confess something like that. If he hadn't and I'd found out some other way maybe I'd feel different than I do right now. But this way I can understand. And forgive."
"He does love you!" Janis swore. "He loves you more than anyone else in the whole world. I realize that now."
"I know he does," Peggy smiled. "And I love him, too." Squeezing her sister's arm, she leaned forward and whispered, "Want to know a secret?"
"What?"
"We're going to have a baby."
"Oh, Peggy!" Janis cried. "That's wonderful news! When did you find out?"
"Just last week, when I went for my second appointment with Doctor Brannigan."
"Does Van know?"
"Not yet. I'm saving it for a surprise."
Janis hugged her sister tightly and kissed her hard on the cheek. "I'm so happy for you!"
"Thank you, honey," Peggy said, her own voice getting choked with emotion as they embraced. "I know someday soon you're going to be this happy, too. Just wait and see."
Yeah, Janis thought afterwards when she was alone, just wait and see. That's all there was to do. Wait. But for what? One meaningless day to pass so another equally meaningless one could take its place? Peggy could wait for Van, for the birth of her first baby, for the gradual unfolding of her life as a fulfilled woman, but none of those things seemed to be in Janis's future. She felt as though her life was a blank screen and she was waiting for the movie to begin, but somehow the projector had broken down and no matter how long she patiently sat waiting, there was never going to be a show.
Her depression hit rock bottom as the days slowly passed, so that one Sunday morning when Peggy came into her room and announced she had a surprise for her, Janis barely registered any interest.
"Oh?" she said listlessly, as she combed at her hair in front of the dressing table mirror. "What is it?"
"You'll have to come downstairs and find out," Peggy said with a secret smile.
"I don't feel like it right now, sis," Janis told her. "I'll be down in about an hour for some lunch. You can show me then, okay?"
"I don't know if he'll wait that long."
"He?" Janis laid down the brush "and looked up at her sister's grinning face. "What do you mean, he?"
"The surprise is a person, not a thing. Somebody's here to see you."
The only person Janis could possibly imagine being downstairs was Jip and the thought of confronting him that morning was even less appealing to her than spending the day locked up in her room. "Tell him to go home," she muttered. "I don't feel in the mood for seeing anybody today."
"I don't know if he'll like that, honey. He's come a long way to see you."
"A long ... ?" Janis's eyes suddenly fired with excitement. "Peggy! It isn't ... !"
"You'll have to come down and see for yourself. I told you it's a surprise and I'm not about to spoil it!"
Janis leaped up from the dressing table, her mind and body suddenly functioning in completely opposite directions. "What am I going to wear!" she cried. "And my hair! Look at the mess I am!"
"Calm down!" Peggy laughed. "Your hair looks just fine. Put on some lipstick and you'll look great."
"Oh, I won't! I'm a mess!" Janis raced back and forth from the closet to the mirror, her hands picking up things and then dropping them a moment later. Suddenly she knew she couldn't wait a moment longer and, not caring how she looked, she ran from the room and down the stairs. He was waiting for her at the bottom of the steps.
"Rocky!" she squealed, leaping the last few steps and flying down into his arms. He caught her and whirled her around, hugging her as tightly as she was hugging him. Their lips met in a savagely passionate kiss. "Oh, Rocky!" she cried, as tears of happiness slipped down her cheeks. "What in the world are you doing here!"
"Glad to see me?" he grinned.
"What do you think!" She flung her arms around his neck and kissed him a second time, their tongues battling inside her mouth as she squeezed and hugged him with all her might.
"Pardon me!" Peggy laughed, as she came down the stairs behind them. She tapped Janis on the shoulder and smiled at the radiant look on her sister's face. "Why don't you bring your surprise into the parlor so he can tell you the good news?"
"What, Rocky?" Janis asked, hugging him as they followed Peggy into the parlor.
"I was going crazy back in Chicago without you, baby," he said, squeezing her waist. "I never knew I could miss anybody that much, but I did. I couldn't get you out of my mind. All I was doing was moping around the house thinking about you. So ... "
"So?" Janis prompted. "You decided to come and see me, right?"
"More than that," Rocky said, with a conspiratorial wink in Peggy's direction. "First I went and had a long talk with your folks. Then they called Peggy and had a long talk with her. When everybody finished talking, we all agreed it was the best thing for us."
"What was the best thing?" Janis asked, feeling a sudden chill of apprehension about what Rocky was going to say next.
"For us to get married!"
The words hit her like a bombshell. Her face dropped as she looked from Rocky to her sister and Van. Everyone was beaming like an idiot. Everyone, that is, except her.
"Rocky, you know how ... "
"No," he said, shaking his head firmly. "You're not going to wriggle out of it. I made up my mind to come down here and take you back to Chicago for a wedding and I'm not leaving without you. I'll set up a tent in the front yard and wait for ten years if I have to, but sooner or later you're going to give in and say yes. Why not do it now," he grinned, "and save me all that trouble?"
Janis fidgeted nervously with her fingers. "Rocky, I just don't know what to say."
"Say yes. That's all that's necessary right now."
She looked into his eyes and saw the expectation in them, as well as a dozen other things she'd never really noticed in Rocky before. Things like warmth and kindness and gentleness. A desire to protect her and love her and make her happy for the rest of her life. A need to share the good things in his own life with somebody. A person to work hard for and achieve goals for and enjoy the good times as well as the bad. She had never really thought of Rocky as anything more than a marvelous sex partner, and yet now she could see that he was so much more than that. In many ways, Janis thought, he was like Van. A man who would love a woman so completely that he would make her happiness his life's goal.
She looked across the room and saw Peggy and Van smiling back at her. His arm was around Peggy and she was clasping his knees. They belonged together, looked so right with each other. In the time Janis had spent in their home she'd learned so much about marriage that she'd never known before. How it was possible for two people to find complete fulfillment with each other and long for nothing more than to share their lives in every way. There would be bad times, of course, but there were bad times in anything and the good times would far outweigh them and make it all worthwhile.
Maybe, she thought, I've wanted something like they have all my life and just never known it. If it could happen for them, there's no reason why I can't make it happen for me, too!
"Well?" Rocky asked. "What's your answer?"
She began to smile and soon a wide grin spread all the way across her mouth. "Yes!" she laughed, throwing herself into Rocky's arms. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
She was packed within an hour and ready to start the drive back to Chicago. Rocky took her suitcase out to the car while she said her goodbyes to Peggy and Van.
There were tears in her sister's eyes as they hugged each other tightly on the front porch. "Goodbye, honey," Peggy sobbed. "Be happy! I know you will; he's a wonderful boy."
Janis grinned and shook her head. "No. He's a wonderful man." She squeezed Peggy's arm and kissed her again. "I know I'll be happy. And thanks."
She moved to Van and kissed his cheek as he put his arms around her. It was funny, she thought. After all those weeks of wanting him, it doesn't mean anything to kiss him now.
"Thank you, too," she whispered in his ear. "I think I'll be all right now."
"I know you will," Van grinned, then patted her rump and turned her toward Rocky and the car that was waiting to take her back to Chicago and a whole new life.
"Baby, you just don't know how much I've missed you!" Rocky said, when they were on the road at last.
Janis snuggled close to him, her fingers playing up and down his leg. "Did you?" she murmured. Her hand tickled its way slowly up to his crotch. "Let's see if you did!" Rocky grinned and widened his legs to make room for her hand. "Hmmmmm!" Janis chided, as she tweaked playfully at him through his pants. "You don't seem to have missed me that much!"
"Keep it up, baby, and I'll show you!" Rocky chuckled.
"Maybe I'll just look for myself!"
Twisting sideways against him, Janis opened the boy's fly and wriggled her fingers into his pants. She caught his naked flesh and squeezed gently. "Maybe you did miss me, after all!" she murmured, as she felt him beginning to respond to the warm message of her hand. "Yes! I think you did!"
For the first time since that night with Van, Janis felt herself beginning to awaken sexually. She loved the feeling of Rocky's solid flesh between her fingers. The desire to do more than just touch him became irresistible. Spreading his pants further apart, she untangled him from his underpants and brought his flesh into the open. Her eyes widened in delight as she stared down at his lap. She'd almost forgotten just how potently male Rocky was. He had nothing to be ashamed of in comparison to any other man, Van included, Janis thought with pride.
"Well?" Rocky laughed. "Satisfied?"
"Not yet," Janis murmured. "I haven't given Big John his hello kiss yet!"
"Right now?" Rocky gulped.
"Why not? He might be mad if I neglect him any longer!" She lowered her head quickly, diving in under Rocky's arm as he steered the car. Holding him firmly, she ran her tongue across her lips and planted a warm, sloppy kiss on the tip of him.
"Oh, baby!" Rocky moaned.
"Like that?" Janis purred.
"You know how much I do!"
"Missed it?" she teased, giving him another playful lick with the slippery flat of her tongue.
"Like crazy!"
"Me, too!" she chuckled. Then, catching him completely off guard, she lowered her mouth on him, taking almost all of him in a single, sensuous swallow.
The car lurched dangerously to the side, hitting the curb and bouncing back onto the asphalt. "Janis!" the boy cried. "Stop it before we get killed! You know how crazy that makes me!"
She lifted her head reluctantly off him, kissing his warm belly as she grinned up at him. "I thought you'd like it!"
"I do like it! I do! But not while I'm driving the car!"
Janis sat up and glanced quickly around at the passing countryside. Recognizing where she was, she motioned at the road ahead. "Let's stop somewhere then! There's a turn right up by that clump of trees. It's a deserted road."
Rocky grinned expectantly at her. "Want to have the honeymoon before the wedding?"
"Why not?" she smiled back. "Then we can have another one afterwards!"
Rocky steered off the highway and started down the dusty lane that Jip had taken Janis two weeks before. "This looks like a great place!" he beamed. "How'd you find it?"
The words cut through her like a knife, suddenly squelching the excitement that had been steadily mounting in her. She let her hand drop from him and moved over on the seat. Rocky stopped the car and turned to gather her into his arms, but to his surprise there were tears streaming down her cheeks and she was looking away from him.
"Hey, honey? What's wrong?"
Janis pushed his hand away as he tried to touch and console her. "This is all a mistake, Rocky," she sobbed. "I can't let you marry me."
"Why not? Are you trying to be funny?"
"Does it look like I am?" she cried.
"Then what's the matter? How come you're acting like this all of a sudden?"
How could she explain it to him? How could she tell him that for the first time in her life she'd had a sudden attack of conscience, realized just what a fool he'd be making of himself if he married a girl that half of Chicago had already been to bed with? While he'd been making himself miserable with loneliness for her, she'd been too busy to even give him a second thought. Too busy making a tramp of herself with Jip and his gang and even her own brother-in-law. She just couldn't let him walk into a trap like that. If she did, and he found out about it later, she knew he would hate her for the rest of his life.
She wanted to marry Rocky, more than she'd ever wanted anything, but not if she had to lie to him, deceive him into flunking she was somebody she wasn't. It would hurt to give him up, but maybe that was the price she'd have to pay for the kind of life she'd led so far, Janis thought. The wild, reckless roller-coaster ride was finally over and it was time to pay for the ticket.
"You—you're too good for me," she said through her tears. "I don't deserve somebody like you, Rocky."
"Oh, come on!" he laughed. "If anybody's too good, it's you."
"I'm not!" Janis sobbed bitterly. "I'm not good at all!"
He tried to put his arm around her and draw her close, kiss her and make her stop her bitter accusations against herself, but Janis pushed him away, determined to say all she knew had to be said.
"I've been a tramp, Rocky. All my life I've been no good."
"I don't want to hear this, baby," he said softly. "It's not necessary."
"It is!" she insisted. "There've been so many guys before you that I can't even remember all their names!"
"So what? I've had a past, too."
"That's not all. This summer—these last few weeks while I've been away. How do you think I knew about this place? Because some boy brought me here, that's how! And we didn't just look at the stars, either!"
"I can forgive that. It's my own fault for letting you get away from me in the first place."
Janis looked at him through tear-stained eyes, hating herself for what she would now have to admit, but knowing the whole truth would have to be told or it wouldn't be any good. "Van, too," she whispered.
"What about him?"
"I slept with him, too. I chased him from the day I got here and forced him into going to bed with me."
Rocky swallowed hard and looked down at his hands. He fumbled in his shirt pocket for a cigarette and blew the smoke harshly at the windshield. For several minutes he didn't say anything. He just sat and smoked in silence while Janis covered her hands and cried. Then, so suddenly that it made her jump in surprise, he squashed out the cigarette and grabbed her hard by the shoulders.
"Look, I don't care about what you did with any other guy. It doesn't really change the way I feel about you. I still love you more than I've ever loved any girl and I want you to marry me and spend your life with me."
"Oh, Rocky!" Janis cried. "You're just saying that because you feel you have to."
"Damnit!" he swore, shaking her roughly. "Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself and listen to me? I love you, Janis! I love you! Anything else doesn't matter—just as long as I know you love me, too." He looked intently into her eyes. "Do you?"
"Yes!" she sobbed, flinging her arms around his neck and pulling him close. "I do, Rocky! I do! I do! I do!"
"Then let's forget about everything else. From now on, you're going to be my woman—just mine. Do you understand that?"
"Yes!" Janis cried. "And I will be, too! I'll never even look at another man! You're all I want! Just you!"
Their lips met furiously, their bodies melding together as Rocky lowered her slowly onto her back. His hands tugged at her blouse, ripping the buttons open, then caught her breasts as they spilled out and squeezed them until the nipples were rigid with excited life. He bent his head to them and kissed them, sucked on them brutally until they throbbed inside his mouth and Janis's hands were clawing at his back in wild, abandoned passion.
Her hands clung tightly to his shoulder as he reached lower and pushed down her panties and drew her skirt up around her hips. She spread her legs wide for him, opening herself for this man who alone would possess her for the rest of her life.
Rocky poised above her while he shoved his pants down to his knees, then nudged himself into position between her waiting thighs. Janis lifted her knees high to receive him, the warm core of her trembling in anticipation of taking her man. As he eased himself down, she moaned with pleasure, opening wide' and taking him deep.
"Baby!" Rocky growled, as he rested in her for a moment and then began to move slowly, steadily, with confident strokes. "You're all woman! All my woman!"
"Yes!" she whispered in his ear, her thighs quickening in response to the thrusting pace Rocky was setting.
She knew now that it was true and that it was all any woman needed to be.