Chapter 12

THE QUESTION MARK

Susan almost ignored me at home for the next two days, and I started boozing it up again and lost my job. We seemed to have lost the psych for each other, and I couldn't get her interested in anything. When I told her I would try to pick up a young girl for us around the junior high school nearby, she slapped the hell out of me and almost got hysterical.

I went out on one drunk and got mixed up with a bunch of gay guys and brought four of them home with me, and we were in a daisy chain on the living room floor (mouth to cock circle, really) and Susan came in raising hell. To make it short, I tried to get her to join us, she got madder, I beat the shit out of her, and by daylight she was packed and headed home to her mother's.

With your help, Doc, I've had a lot of time for thinking about life and ... me, and I think I know why I can't do without Susan and I'm going to have to get her back. My mother was a big woman, big breasts and all, but Susan's breasts are real small. I think I can love her sexually, and otherwise, too, probably because she isn't a mother symbol for me in a physical way, but she is in the way she can be so perverted and like young girls and sex parties and she had a background of incest in her family, too. I'll go along with you that she's probably suppressing a real strong sexual desire toward Teresa, and maybe Bunny, but her conscience bugs her more than mine ever did, so she'll never make a move toward them. She wants to be a really decent and respectable woman.

Another thing, Susan reminds me a little of a very young girl, because of her small titties and the way she's built, and you say that's a throwback to that first experience I had with my cousin as a kid. And Susan looks a little butch, too, and that may satisfy my liking for men ... or young boys. But I tell you truthfully that Susan is all-female!

I know I'm a good for nothing bastard and pervert, but when Susan was with me, I was at least alive. Without her, I'm dead....

[I am pleased to report that shortly after these interviews with Jack were completed, Susan returned to live with him. She left both daughters with her mother again so as to eliminate temptation. The real improvement, although they still have arguments and there are certain retrogressions to their previous forms of behavior, is that they both understand the problems of themselves and the other partner. They communicate and make solid attempts at their union evolving into a "normal" marriage, although it was originally founded on psychological determinants of desires for various sexual anomalies.

[The question mark does indeed remain, but it appears to be receding into the background. Hopefully, it will eventually disappear. They both consult and confide in me occasionally, and I have noticed the pattern familiar to so many therapists of "two steps forward, one or one and a half steps backward."

[I sincerely hope that they continue to move forward even though the pace may be slow.]