Chapter 3
Honor Thy Father and Mother
"There's not much left in life for me. I don't mean that I am going to kill myself or something stupid. I just know that I have experienced the kind of happiness that few girls are allowed, and once expressed and experienced, can never be relived or recaptured.
"I've loved and been loved. I've given birth to my lover's baby and I have experienced the surging, fulfilling delight of sexual completion on a level most women twice my age know nothing about.
"But there is agony, too. It is all just memory now. The child is happy, I hope, in what the State of California calls a proper home. I'll never see my baby again and it tears at my heart just to think about it. Love, itself, is gone and my lover is dead.
"It was doomed from the outset. I can see that now. Beauty, rapture and satisfaction, tainted from the start. It was incest of the worst kind, a father and his daughter. What made it even more horrible was the fact that I was the aggressor! I was the one who wanted the experience. I wanted to feel the rigid penis of my own father penetrate my vagina and plunge itself deep inside me, disgorging its hot, steaming juice into my aching womb.
"It's all gone now-but over and finished, it is not. It can never be again; yet it is still with me, morning, night and noon. At night I still cry for the child I shall never see again. I still have my little talks' with Daddy, and I ache-God,how I ache!
"Even when I am with some other man, on my back with my legs spread wide, awaiting his entry, I cannot avoid comparing his organ to the beautiful penis, a tool of love if there ever was one, that I loved and knew so very, very well. Even with a stranger inside me, I am unable to 'let go' and enjoy the efforts of pleasure he is attempting to bring to me. It is not the same. It never can be the same again.
"They say a girl never forgets her first love. I, for a fact know that it is true. I am unable to forget my father and the beautiful expression in his eyes. I cannot forget the wonderful, slightly salty taste of his magnificent penis; the variety of ways he knew and utilized in order to please me. No, these thoughts will remain with me always, and no other man in the world will ever replace my adored, perfect lover-my father!
"Maybe it is wrong to continually live with the past. Some people insist that what is done is done and should be forgotten. Others might say that such thoughts might prove over-stimulating, or that they would damage me in terms of my mental state. But, I could care less for the opinions of others. Other people have done too much damage to me already. They have ruined my supreme happiness, forced me to give up my child and, yes, they even killed my daddy.
"So, when it is too much to bear, particularly when I lie in bed at night, I relive the past happiness by putting my pillow-the same pillow that Daddy used-between my legs and rubbing my vaginal lips against it, and I think how it was, that very first time.
"I feel again the soft touch of his delicate fingers on my budding breasts and the warmth of his palms as they pressed against them, almost as if it were his hands that had caused them to grow. I feel again, his warm, naked body, pressed tightly against mine in the big bed that we shared for so long. I can imagine the silken iron of his penis growing strong in my hand and almost hear my vaginal lips scream out loud for its entry.
"Oh sure, I've had other men, but they're not the same, even though I have played my games with them. They are complete zeros when compared to my daddy. They can't thrill me like he did! They just stick their cock into me like I were a piece of liver and move around just enough to shoot their load and then its 'quits-ville.' If I use enough imagination, for a few short seconds, I can make them seem to be Daddy. Ernie was like that, and it was glorious for a moment or two, until reality returned.
"Ernie and I had been balling. I was lying on my back after it was over. I was sweating in the agony of unfulfillment. He had been in me for some time and he had thrust and caressed and kissed my eager breasts so beautifully. But it was a bummer and I couldn't come even though I was oh so close to it.
"And he couldn't hold. I felt the hot iron of his penis give one final thrust into me and then, with a tremendous throb, let go the hot, scalding sperm.
"Oh, he tried to love me properly. He tried to thrill me, but it wasn't like Daddy and after it was over I lay there in sadness and frustration for a while. What could I do? I kept asking myself that question as Ernie and I shared a cigarette. Smoke filled the tiny bedroom as clouds of indecision filled my mind, and then, as if a big broom had swept the cobwebs from my mind, suddenly I was able to imagine Ernie as Daddy!
"I reached over and snuffed out the cigarette in an ashtray by the bed. Then with eyes closed in order to maintain the mental image I had conjured up, I rolled over and placed my head and lips against the firm stomach of my partner. With one hand I toyed with his soft penis as the other hand reached under and tickled the sensitive area around his ass-hole. I moved my lips down over his flat stomach and over his hips, caressed the muscles of his thighs with them and then slowly worked my way back up.
"All this time I could feel his penis growing in my hand although it was not yet hard enough. While it was still flaccid, and with my eyes still shut, I took the head of it in my mouth-just the head-so I could roll my tongue over the foreskin and pucker my lips around the turgid bulb at the head of the shaft.
"This was almost real. It was as if none of the horrid past had ever happened. As I slid my lips tight around the loose skin and pulled it towards me over its head. Letting it slide back, it was almost as if I were with Daddy once again.
"I couldn't destroy my dream, for I could feel my own wet eagerness bubbling from within coating my vaginal lips with a thin syrup of love that demanded entry. But I dared not open my eyes. I wanted to gaze at the large testicles that I knew lay there, quivering before my face, I wanted to glance upwards and see the expression of gratifying passion on his face. But, I was all too aware that it would not be Daddy's handsome face that appeared before me and, therefore, the illusion would be horribly shattered.
"As I tasted the rigid length of hard penis with my lips, I fondled scrotum and testes with searching fingers and only with my mind's eye conjured a picture of the man I really wanted to be doing these things with.
"I lay there for several minutes licking and sucking, and feeling and tasting until I could no longer endure the ecstatic pleasure of my own act. I, too, had to have something in the crying recesses of my vagina. I twisted my body around so that my firm breasts and hard nipples pressed against his hips and lowered my clitoris over his eager and expectant mouth. I almost reached climax the very second his tongue teasingly entered my moist chamber of passion and I had to hold myself back in order to savor all the delicious pleasure that I might obtain from such a union. Then suddenly I could hold back no longer. My whole being became one vast, enormous vagina and, shudderingly, I came!
"When I spasmed into that orgasm, I let my head fall so that I almost choked on the length of his sex organ in my first moment of relaxation. But, even though it was big and full and wonderful, my orgasm wasn't enough. With the spasmed contractions of its power still ticking within me, I rose so that I straddled him, facing towards his feet. like a tigress in heat, I leaped on the hot iron rod of his manhood and sank down, impaling myself on that great spear of love.
"Now, for the first time, I opened my eyes and I could do it without shattering the image I had so carefully built up. There was a mirror over the dresser at the foot of the bed and I could see everything that was good in it while those things that would've destroyed my fantasy were obscured. I could not see his body or face, but I could see my soft pubic hair and gaping vagina rising and sinking over his gleaming wet penis. I could see and feel his hands as they reached up and gently stroked the distended nipples of my sensitive breasts. I could see every movement of the act of love and the wild half-agonized, half-mad expression on my own face as my hair flew in a wild cloud over my face and body. I could hear the increased rhythm of our breathing and could feel the delicate nuance of tingling pleasure as I controlled the pressure of his penis against my clitoris and the hot, seeping walls of my happy vagina.
"And then-and then-I knew my insides, my soul were going to reach that massive, beautiful, satisfying climax again. This time there was a warning as if a great tidal wave, thundering ashore was going to engulf me. I savored this approach of orgasm; I knew that it would be huge, that it would just about reduce me to a shambles of myself. It grew and grew and rolled against the tumult of my insides for an agony of time, and then ... it hit me, all over and at once.
"I rolled! I churned, and was devoured by such a sense of total ecstasy, so intense and consuming that I cannot find words to describe it. As I felt the consuming release of my own spasm, I felt the tip of the penis and the scalding pleasure of his massive ejaculation.
"I cannot explain the mysteries of the human body, all I know is that I climaxed again. I wept tears of sheer pleasure, and they dripped and flowed from my eyes and ran down till they were cascading over my sweating breasts. When I finally eased back to even a partial sense of reality, I heard myself crying out, 'Daddy ... Daddy ... Daddy...! '
"The last time we had sex together, I really was able to let my vivid imagination run wild. I lay on my back as his head sank between my legs and his tongue played a symphony on my hot hole. Such marvelous improvisations were composed that night! I opened my eyes and looked down at him. His hair was almost the color of Daddy's, and I couldn't see his face, buried as it was in my pubic hair. I put my hands on his head and pushed him to me. This way it increased the pressure of his tongue, lips and jaw against my hungry, gaping vagina. 'Oh, Daddy ... Daddy,' I murmured. 'Just like that, Daddy. Eat me, eat me. Ah, that's it, just like that.' And then when the dream was complete, I orgasmed.
"That last time with Ernie I orgasmed three times. Once when he ate me, once when his penis entered me and, finally, when he came. But that was the end of it. That was the nearest I had come to the joy that I once knew so well. Ernie's gone now. There are other men, of course. Sometimes I can command my imagination to work in conjunction with them, but it is a rare occasion when it succeeds. It really isn't the same, you know.
"It can't be the same, ever, because there was too much in my involvement with Daddy. But, perhaps I had better start at the beginning.
"Mom left us when I was ten years old. Daddy wasn't the same after she left. He started drinking heavily and went around with tears in his eyes most of his waking moments. He started drifting from job to job in the small town back East where we lived. Then, suddenly, he snapped back to his old self, packed up our belongings and we moved to Los Angeles, where he got a job in the aero-space industry. We had a nice little two-bedroom house in the Valley and life became pleasantly routine.
"I'd seen Daddy naked before, just as I had seen Mom, and I was never aware that anything was wrong in that. Our family was never one for Victorian pruderies. But, one hot summer's day, I got the first inkling that I wasn't a little girl anymore, and it was Daddy who inadvertently turned me on!
"As I had said before, it was a hot, sticky day, and Daddy suggested that we both take a shower in order to cool off a bit. We stripped and went into the bathroom. Daddy had taken three fresh towels from the dresser drawer. Two, he hung on the towel rack, and the third he placed in front of the shower stall as a mat.
"As Daddy adjusted the flow and temperature of the water, I quickly stepped into the shower. He followed me. Until this precise moment, I had never really looked at Daddy closely. For some reason I was virtually compelled by some force to look at him, as if I were seeing him for the very first time.
"He was a tall man, in his middle thirties. I can't really describe his facial features, for worry sometimes made him look terribly old and yet when he was untroubled he had the countenance of a teenager. His hair was light, almost like a Swedish blonde. He was thin, but in a way that people would call wiry. Actually, he had a beautiful build. He never bothered with muscle building, so it was natural; he liked to participate in all kinds of strenuous sports.
"This afternoon, as I stood in the shower with him, soaping myself down, I was utterly fascinated with his sexual parts. They caused me to have goose bumps all over. I was amazed as his nakedness had never affected me like this before. His penis fascinated me! That long, pale tube extended from a nest of blonde pubic hair like a magic wand of some kind-a magic wand that later, would transport me to heaven! Something made me want to reach out and touch it! I could not resist. I think Daddy was aware of what was going on in my mind. At least, he saw my hand move towards his penis. Without any abrupt movement, or anger, or any embarrassment, he simply turned around and asked me to wash his back. That brought me back to reality, although I still thought about the sight of his penis and the thrilling effect it had on me. I did wash his back and I washed-or actually, rubbed with the wash rag-my own genital area at the same time.
"That night when I went to sleep I couldn't get the erotic thoughts about Daddy's penis out of my mind. It was new and thrilling and I was enchanted by these new-found feelings. When I awoke the following morning I found that I was in his bed, with nothing on but my panties. Daddy had slept on the couch in the living room. I knew something else, too, when I woke up. I knew that I must have dreamed strange and forbidden thoughts. His pillow was pressed tightly between my legs and against my vagina and I succumbed to my first strange and compelling urge that morning! I found myself waking from sleep with my own hand moving tenderly down my bare tummy and under the elastic band of my panties. I reached lower, unable to stop my movement and slipped my forefinger into my sexual parts, to find them, to my amazement, very warm and pleasantly wet.
"At first, I was alarmed and frightened by this feeling of hot wetness and I raised my head and shoulders so that I could examine myself. I had been menstruating for the past year or so and was regular all the time, and I knew that I wasn't due for at least another week. Nothing seemed to be wrong so I lay there and continued running my finger in and out of my vagina. It was getting warmer and wetter all the time.
Suddenly, I had a vision of Daddy's penis, as I had seen it in the shower yesterday afternoon. I imagined that I was leaning over and kissing it.
"My sex fantasies about dear Daddy continued on for months. I was beginning to biologically mature. My breasts were quite large and surmounted with sweet, coral-colored nipples. I never let an opportunity pass where I could flaunt my nakedness in front of Daddy. One day he walked into my room as I stood in front of the dressing table mirror, naked and cupping a breast in each hand. He blushed at seeing me thusly. I felt a smirk of triumph show itself in my smile. Good! I thought. He's thinking of me as a woman!
"Daddy didn't have many girl friends over the years, but he did occasionally date. Whether or not he had a mistress, I don't know. If he did, I wasn't aware of it. There was one lady, though, who he saw a lot of-a Mrs. W--. I don't know whether she was married, widowed or divorced; I never saw her husband. She came over one Saturday afternoon as I was swimming in our new pool. From poolside I could see her and Daddy through the screen door, as they sat in the breakfast nook sipping iced tea. I was drying off under the hot sun when I dozed off. I must have slept for about twenty minutes, for when I awoke the sun was going down and Daddy and his female friend were no longer in the kitchen. I got up off of the chaise and went into the house to look for them. I heard noises coming from Daddy's room, I stopped as if I had run into a brick wall. If I had wanted to scream, I couldn't have, for my throat constricted so tightly that I almost choked.
"Daddy was lying on his back in the bed without a shred of clothes on, and Mrs. W-, also naked, was kneeling over him. Her vagina was almost at Daddy's mouth and her own mouth was gliding up and down the length of his penis, which was standing straight up in the air!
"I stood there, seemingly for hours-though it could only have been for a few seconds-horrified. Daddy was moaning like he was in terrible pain and Mrs. W was making little grunting noises in her mouth as she moved her whole head up and down Daddy's penis. How can I describe my feelings about blundering in on these strange activities? Though I was repelled, I was curiously also attracted to these strange goings on.
"Finally, I could stand no more of what was going on. It looked horrible and I was sure Mrs.
W-somehow was hurting Daddy. I gasped and, slamming the bedroom door shut-with a crash, I fled to the sanctity of my own room. I felt terribly alone and left out.
"How long I remained sobbing on my bed, I don't know, but finally I felt a gentle hand touch my shoulder. I knew it was Daddy, there to comfort me as always. I turned a tear-stained face towards him. He looked so embarrassed, like a little kid who had been caught stealing from the cookie jar. 'Go 'way,' I cried. T don't ever want to see you again!' He didn't leave. He sat down on the edge of the bed and, with one hand still resting on my shoulder, asked me in a very calm voice, why I was so upset.
"I was infuriated even more by his patronizing attitude. 'Why am I so upset?' I exploded. T saw what she was doing to you!' He didn't say anything for what seemed to be an eternity. Then I felt his hand leave my shoulder. I felt suddenly cold and alone. I thought he had left me. I hated him for a brief moment. I rolled over and sat up, rubbing my wet eyes. I saw him still there. He was seated in the chair, across from the foot of the bed, dressed in a bathrobe. My relief in finding that he had not left me dissipated any anger that I had felt.
" 'I suppose that she's still in there,' I snarled.
" 'No,' he told me. 'She's gone.'
"Then I seemed to break down again, though my tears were all gone. I think I was still in a state of shock. 'Oh, Daddy.' I sobbed. 'How could you do such a dirty, nasty thing?'
" 'Nasty?' he said. "Trixie, there was nothing nasty about what you saw. You weren't supposed to see it, I know that, but we thought you were asleep outside by the pool.'
" 'But she had your ... your. ... Well, it was in her mouth! I saw it there. Tell me it isn't a filthy thing to do and I'll call you a liar!'
"Then it seemed that he was the one who became angry, not in the same way that I was. His voice took on an edge to it that I had never heard before, but he spoke slowly and clearly, so that I would not misunderstand. "Trixie,' he said, 'I'm a grown man and lonely for female companionship since your mother left us. Above all-I do not have to account to you for the things I do. You've seen something that I wished you hadn't, and because of that I feel you are entitled to an explanation. You haven't seen anything nasty, dirty, or necessarily wrong. Constance W-and I like each other, we like each other very much. When two adults like each other, they can show it in a multitude of ways.'
"Suddenly, something I couldn't control took hold of me. I never for an instant considered the implication that could be made of the torrent of words I blurted out-I never realized what they would ultimately mean. 'But, you let her do it to you! You wouldn't let me ... I mean ... you don't even let me see you ... you know ... naked ... anymore. You're supposed to like me better than anyone else. Then, when you think I'm gone ... or asleep ... you let her ... do that to you. How could you love me and let someone else ... a stranger, do that to you?'
"I must have said a lot more than that in my outburst, but I don't remember enough to properly quote. I only remember that I had said too much-too much to stop. I had been acting like a jealous woman rather than a daughter and now I had let my father know my deepest, most secret, innermost feelings. My mouth must have dropped open with shock at my own words just as his did, but there I still sat on the bed silent now, he stared at me with an expression of uncomprehending disbelief.
" 'You don't know what you are saying, Trixie,' he muttered.
" 'Yes I do,' I barked back. 'I want you to love me ... not some old bag like Mrs. W--! '
"I suppose that was the beginning even though it wasn't the beginning. Daddy seemed very upset and at a complete loss for words. He got up and left the room, allowing me to remain and ponder my own thoughts. The cat was out of the bag. It was up to him to see what he was going to do about it.
"The change that took place in the relationship between Daddy and me began then. It was a slow and gradual thing, that no one, except perhaps a trained psychologist, would have foreseen. Before, we had been a deserted husband and his adolescent daughter living a normal and respectable life. Now, because of my wild fantasies and childish dreams of romance-and most of all my big, fat mouth-everything was to change.
"Daddy didn't see Mrs. W-ever again. I heard she had moved away from the area. I also found out, to my dismay, that they had considered marriage. So, I was doubly pleased that she had gone. Now I had Daddy all to myself. I don't honestly think that Daddy minded. I do not think to this day, that he had any deep love for that woman and I am also sure that he was through entertaining any ideas about getting married again.
"One evening we were sitting close together listening to Beethoven's First Symphony. It was a new Von Karajan recording and we were completely engrossed in the music. I was 'waning back and Daddy had his arm across the top of the sofa, above my head. So enraptured was I with the strains of music pouring forth from the stereo, I hardly noticed his fingers slip down to my shoulder. I felt warm and comfortable at his touch and snuggled closer to him. His hand dropped further down until it almost cupped my right breast. He suddenly moved his hand away and reached over to the coffee table for a cigarette. 'Don't go away,' I said. "That felt so good.' He cleared his throat and lit the cigarette.
"Please, Daddy,' I said. "Touch me there again.
" "Trixi-' he began.
" 'What's the matter, Daddy?' I think for the first time in my life I saw that he was embarrassed.
" 'Nothing,' he said. 'It's only that-' " 'What?'
"He took a long, slow drag on his cigarette, held in the smoke for a long time, then turned to me with a very strange half-lost look on his face. 'You know,' he said at long last, 'you look almost exactly like your mother. I guess that I-' Again I waited for him to finish, but this time without uttering a single word. When he did speak again, his voice was tense and low, almost as if he had to force enough volume into it for me to hear him. 'Remember, Trixie, a long time ago when you asked me about boys and menses?'
"A strange and unexplained thrill seemed to tingle though me for a fraction of a second, then disappeared as quickly as it had occurred. I nodded my head.
" 'Well, now that you've grown into such a beautiful young woman, I guess I didn't stop to think.'
" 'About what, Daddy?'
" 'About touching you ... there....'
" 'I like it, Daddy,' I said. 'Please touch me there again.'
"He didn't say anything after that, but I . could see that he was fighting something within himself. I also knew when he had lost the fight. He again leaned back against the back of the couch and, still holding the cigarette in his left hand, slipped his arm over my shoulders and gently, but much more firmly this time, cupped my right breast. I, in turn, snuggled close to him and first let my head rest on his chest, then relaxed so that it was in his lap. And then I knew what I had only sensed before, because under my right ear I could feel the surge of excitement pushing directly on my brain as his penis grew and throbbed against my cheek.
" 'Daddy?' I murmured.
" 'What, Trixie?'
" 'Let me sleep in your bed tonight?' " 'What?'
" 'Hold me like this,' I said. 'Let me sleep in the same bed with you.'
"He didn't answer for a minute or so. I thought for a second that he hadn't heard me. He was breathing hard, but finally the answer came, 'Okay, Trixie, okay.' "
Gebhard, Gagnon, Pomeroy and Christenson found, in Sex Offenders, that incestuous fathers " ... came from large families, were liberally endowed with sisters and got along well with both parents . ... All in all, these men may be described as conservative, moralistic, restrained, religiously devout, traditional and uneducated." Weinberg's findings, in Incest Behavior, were similiar. He found, " ... the average father was between forty and forty-five years of age, had spent his childhood in a rural community in Europe or America and had come from a dependent or marginal socio-economic group." Gebhard found these men ". . .to have been impulsive and given to rather disorganized lives that were complicated by drinking."
Weinberg, again, in his sampling of over a hundred father incest transgressors, commented, "The father usually did not commit property offenses but had been arrested for personal offenses such as wife-beating, disorderly conduct, public nuisance, and sex charges. These offenses arose from personality disturbances rather than criminal inclinations." These men almost always had suffered from unhappy marriages. Often their wives found their husbands sexually unstimulating, laughed at them or rebuked their advances.
In the case of Trixie's father, whom we shall call Ted for the purpose of this narrative, the abandonment of his daughter and himself by his wife, left him bitter and lonely. Because of this desertion, the bond between the two victims became unnaturally strong. As Trixie matured and took over the responsibilities of running the home, she became more wife than daughter to her father.
As Trixie entered adolescence, she turned her budding sexuality inwards, toward her ideal, her father. After the episode involving the unfortunate Mrs. W-triggered her latent incestual urgings to overt demonstration, the actual incestuous behavior became a dominant factor in the lives of both the father and the daughter.
According to reputable researchers, the daughter participants seem to be young, on the average around fifteen or sixteen years of age. They seem to be of two distinctive types: Passive, passive-resistive or promiscuous. The passive type is better adjusted and more apt to report the offense. Once relieved of the affair, she will seek outside sexual contacts.
Gebhard, et al, found " ... in nearly half of the offenses the fathers claimed either their daughters encouraged them or were passive, while the official record is that they resisted. In one third of the cases both sources of information agree that the daughters were encouraging or passive."
It is fairly obvious that Trixie belongs to the latter category, the promiscuous. Even though she had not experienced coitus prior to her seduction of her father, mentally she was a past master of sexual intercourse, due to the years of sexual fantasizing. There is a good chance that had Trixie belonged to a larger family group, she may have initiated sexual relations with brothers, cousins or uncles.
"As we lay there, snuggled comfortably together, Daddy began explaining what he called "The Facts of Life.' He explained that sex between humans was different than it was between animals. Besides being just a biological need, it was also based on strong, intra-personal emotions and needed the skill and understanding of both partners. A girl had to know how to please a man, he said, before she could be pleased by him. First, he was going to show me about men.
"The light at the head of the bed was still on and, lying on my side, I could see the whole length of Daddy's slim and muscular body as he lay on his back with the arched shape of his penis pointing up from its soft nest of pubic hair.
"Very slowly he began to explain how the penis worked and what was most exciting and stimulating to a man. He showed me the foreskin and head of his penis and then, with just the finger and thumb, showed me how to move the skin back and forth to cause a pleasant sensation. I longed to try it out for myself, but he abruptly changed the subject to that of women.
"He explained the sexual function of the vagina, clearly and concisely. He said that the greatest sensation lay around the clitoris but that stimulation was also achieved by other inside areas. He reached over and demonstrated. He slipped his middle finger into my slit. I already was terribly excited and my vaginal lips were extremely moist. He expressed surprise at this. He agitated my clitoris gently and I had to struggle to keep from squirming right out of the bed.
"I lay there with my legs spread wide, letting the sensations of Daddy's fingers shoot through me like wonderful waves of electric shocks. I can't express in proper words just how good it felt. I watched him while he leaned on his side and explained to me what he was doing. I was so ecstatic that I closed my eyes and drifted into pink pools of sheer delight.
"I kind of forgot everything he was saying, as in my mind his voice sounded very faint. I do remember him saying that a girl had a hymen and that it should remain intact until she found a husband. He said that there were many other ways that a girl could satisfy a man. Often women liked it when men used their mouths on them. These words jarred me to a turbulent consciousness and filled my mind with the image of Mrs. W-using her mouth on Daddy. I had a wild desire to touch his penis, to fondle it, to kiss it, and to take it into my mouth and suck on it, just as I had seen Mrs. W-do it. I also felt that I could do it better, even if it took some amount of practice!
"As he continued playing with me and talking, I reached out shyly and touched his penis. Then, when I knew that he was not going to stop me, I clasped my hand around it, just as he had taught me, and moved the foreskin back and forth. He smiled and shut his eyes, lay back, and became completely relaxed.
"I became bolder now, perhaps because I knew that he was enjoying it so much. I rolled over and, moving my head down, gently kissed the tip of his organ. He gave out a quick sigh and allowed his fingers to slip out of my hot vagina. The slippery fluid from my slit was streaked across my inner thigh as his hand trailed across it. I kissed his penis again, this time allowing my mouth to open just a bit. I felt the pressure of his organ against my teeth. I continued my exploration bit by bit until I had the whole head of his penis in my mouth.
"Daddy let out a massive groan. I knew he was not in any kind of pain. He was just reacting out of delighted excitement. Just the thought of him being so excited caused wave upon wave of excitement to course through me. He cried out as his organ began to throb and twitch. I thought his penis was going to explode, and it started to gag me. I pulled away just as he started to ejaculate. Hot sperm shot into the air and splattered into my face and hair. I was so surprised that I didn't even move. Then I started to laugh. Daddy looked at me strangely for a second, then his face broke into an embarrassed grin. Then he started laughing and, reaching up with his muscular arms, he drew me to him in a tight hug.
Some of his own come smeared the side of his face as he hugged me so very tightly, but neither of us cared, because we felt so good and so happy.
"As we lay there, locked tightly in each other's arms, I suddenly realized that I was still very much excited. I told Daddy that I wished he could make it hard again, as I wanted to suck on it some more. He said, "Trixie, as much as I would like to, I can't. At least not for a while.' He went on to explain that men need time to recoup from an ejaculation. But if I wished it, he would do something nice for me. I said I would love it, whatever it was that he wanted to do to me.
"He flipped out the light, and the room was bathed in silver moonlight. His head became a silhoutte as it bent down towards my eager crotch. I was a little nervous at first, but my apprehension was quickly dissipated at the first touch of his rough, wet, and warm tongue. I spread my legs even wider as it penetrated me between my pubic hairs. I gripped the edge of the mattress with my trembling hands.
"An ecstasy of sound, feel, and color shot through me, tingling every fiber of my being as his tongue parted my dripping lips and titillated my erect clitoris. It felt wonderful. I felt his ears grow hot as they touched my trembling thighs.
"An instant-an eternity-I shall never know! Nor shall I ever know the exact sensations that coursed through me like machine-gun bullets, burning me here, freezing me there, electrifying my body and my soul, and causing it to soar out to some vast and craggy seacoast where it finally crashed into the gigantic roaring breakers that surged forth to engulf it forever ! I knew I had reached what they called an 'orgasm,' and what a delicious experience it was. It seemed to rock the entire world. I felt like I was an atom bomb that had just been detonated.
"I did not cry out. After it was over, and just a trace of the sensation was left to lull me into total relaxation, I sighed, 'Daddy ... Daddy ... Daddy!' A cry that I would repeat again and again for the rest of my life.
"Daddy was breathing hard as he crawled up next to me. That night he became 'Daddy' to me in name only. For written on my heart and brain in indelible ink was the word Lover, to remain there forever. I lay there, trying to collect my thoughts and emotions, but without successthey remained muddled, but I was so happy, thrilled, and satisfied. Finally I put my arms around dear, beloved Daddy, and held him close to me. We didn't speak, for our actions were all the speech neccessary.
"I was totally unaware of the conflict in Daddy's mind. I didn't know that the supreme act of love would cause him so much pain. And what he didn't know was that he had opened a door that had better have remained closed, for I was turned on and would remain so for the rest of my life.
"I found I dug oral sex. I knew that there was a lot more to it than that, but this first experience had a traumatic effect. I always wanted to go down first, before I would let him go in.
"After that, we slept together every night. I never slept in my own room again. Those who say that Daddy taught me to be a nymphomaniac or that he was some sort of depraved sexual monster are all wrong. I was fifteen and my body was as completely developed as any grown woman's should be. Daddy was in his early forties, but was in such great physical shape, due to his constant exercise, that he looked ten years younger. My sexuality had not reached its peak, and his was on the decline, so we were perfectly suited to each other.
"I have no idea of the regularity of our sexual acts. I really didn't keep score. I do know that we did it when and where we felt like it, and there was enough activity so that neither of us felt deprived.
"I shall never forget the night he took my hymen. It was to be my 'night of nights,' and I was so bitterly disappointed. It happened this way.
"We were lying in bed. It was a hot night and we had thrown the sheets back so what breeze there was could waft its way across our perspiring naked bodies. I guess Daddy's mind was on the subject for some time, as oral sex was becoming tedious, and I longed for his big penis to shove its way into my vagina. He said, Trix, I want to show you what most people consider "normal" intercourse. I don't want you to become frightened, because it may cause you a little pain. You know that I love you and wouldn't hurt you for anything in the world.' He then asked me to spread my legs wide apart and, kneeling between them, touched the opening of my vagina, first with his finger and then with the head of his penis, which was just as stiff as his finger by now.
"It felt so good when he put the head of it into my tiny slit. It was a very tight fit, but it didn't hurt like I figured it would. Of course, it wasn't in very far; just the head was in. He jiggled it about a bit, and I felt a tremendous excitement from the sensation. Then, all of a sudden, he pulled out quickly, jumped out of bed, and ran into the bathroom. He closed the door as he switched on the light, so I couldn't see what he was doing. After a few minutes he returned to bed. His penis was soft and as he climbed over me a teardrop of sperm dropped onto my leg. It was cold and I jumped a bit.
" 'What happened?' I asked.
" 'Nothing, I just "shot" my load,' he replied.
"I was mad. 'Shouldn't you have done that inside me?' I asked. I was so terribly disappointed.
" 'I didn't want to hurt you, Trixie,' he told me. 'I can't get you pregnant. We don't want that, do we?'
"Whatever my reaction was to his statement, it included pique and hurt and a desire to get even with him for denying me the pleasure and satisfaction I thought should be rightfully mine. I don't know what I planned, or even if I planned anything at all. Even if I had, I couldn't have done anything about it because I had my period the very next day, and I would have four more before Daddy would gratify me even orally again.
"Then one evening the ultimate change in our association occurred and life was forever different for us. We had just taken our usual shower together, and after tenderly washing Daddy's penis, I got the urge for some sex. Remember, it had been quite some time since our last union.
"I was pretty hot and raring to go and, unless he had been cheating on me somewhere, Daddy should have been well primed for action. We got into bed and covered up. I wasted no time, reaching down and starting to play industriously with his penis. It sprang to life immediately. He responded with equal fervor, and began kissing me behind the ear and down along the neck. I got even more excited. We lay there for a while; he, running his fingers around the entrance to my vagina, and I, manipulating the loose foreskin that surrounded his iron-like shaft.
"I was so wild with desire that I almost forgot the plan I had worked out in my mind the day before. I had decided to find a way to force him to bust my hymen. I was sure it would work, but I was so delighted with this precoitus love play, that I had almost instant orgasm. Daddy leaned over and began to lick the lips of my vagina as he usually did. I enjoyed it immensely. I could feel his penis swelling and I knew that he was just about ready to come, right there in the open air. I gently pushed him away until he rolled over on his back, with that adorable penis sticking up in the air like a flagpole. I said, 'Daddy, let me do you,' and he said, 'Sure, go ahead,' and lay back with his eyes screwed tightly shut as he usually did.
"Quick as a flash, I was up and poised in a straddle position over his thighs. Before he could recover from the surprise of my strange movements, I had sat down on him, jamming that penis of his all the way into me. I felt a sudden spasm of pain as his hard penis tore away what had been my most cherished possession-my hymen. The full hardness and length of his penis, for the first time fully inside me, filled me with the kind of love that I had wanted for, oh, so long a time. He cried out, 'No, Trix ... no ... no! Oh no!' but it was too late now.
"He was fully inside me and we were both slaves to our passion and to our intertwined emotions. I moved up and down on him, pressing his organ against the tenderness of mine. I knew that he was moving in order to get me underneath. He heaved with a surge of strength, and flipped me over, with his penis still inside me, until I was beneath him. His hands quickly went under my buttocks and my legs twined around his back so that the heels of my feet played a tattoo on his spinal column. His lips found mine and the huge, wonderful pressure of him inside me tore and thrilled me at the same time, so that I was sure that I was going absolutely insane with the excitement of it.
"I must have screamed in my intense pleasure! I felt one hand move from under me and gently cup inself over my mouth as the piston-like movement seemed to increase to a point where I knew I could no longer stand it. I remember biting his hand until he withdrew it, and shouting, 'Come in me! Come off in me!' And then it happened. My entire body and soul seemed to explode at the same time and shatter throughout the whole universe, and all time itself seemed to stop. I was there-and I was not there. I was floating in space, and at the next instant rolling in a boiling hot surf, and all the time I was writhing in order to get more of his penis deep inside me.
"He shuddered, too, and his legs moved just as if he were trying to swim inside me. And I wanted him to do just that. Oh, God! If he could just crawl up inside me, I would be in heaven. We both had come together, and it seemed like we plunged and wiggled and clung desperately to one another for hours and hours. We continued until we were totally drained of any emotion that we could have ever contained in our bodies or in our souls.
"His penis slipped out of me and I reached down and touched it. Not with lust, but with tenderness. I wanted to feel once more the thing that had, just seconds ago, brought me such sublime happiness.
"We lay exhausted, both staring at the dim ceiling above us, without speaking, for words were no longer necessary. I was still stroking his soft, damp penis. He leaned over and kissed me gently on the forehead. "Trixie, I love you more than anything else in the world,' he said. The words thrilled me and I snuggled down close to him. The smell of his sweat had a musky, sexy odor and I felt so sexy and so well loved. I really felt like I was in heaven! All that I had wanted, had anticipated, had been given me, in a greater magnitude than I ever expected. My vagina was a little sore, but I didn't even mind that. At last, I thought, Daddy is mine, all mine, forever and ever and ever.
"Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. I was not shocked or frightened-I was ecstatically happy. I wanted Daddy's child. I had deceived him, for he thought that I had been making regular use of the pill, but I had deliberately wanted to become inseminated by my paternal lover. I felt that since I was his 'wife' in just about every way possible except legally, a child would just about complete everything and find us together forever. I was so young and ignorant. My rash act brought our whole idyllic world crashing down around us.
"As I have stated, Daddy thought I was still using the pill. We made love almost every night. One night we were locked in a tight embrace and he was thrilling me with each and every thrust. like a shaft of sheer power and energy, it slid back and forth in my welcoming vagina, the faithful and happy servant of a monstrous passion.
"After what seemed like hours of agonized pleasure, during which I savored every second of our love, I felt the first throbs of his involuntary muscles pulsating him into orgasm. The hot jet of his love literally bored into me. I tried to rise to the ceiling as he tried to drive me into the floor.
"My orgasm was total, full, from the freedom of knowing that I was in no danger of getting pregnant-I already was! Within seven months I would bring into the world a true 'love-child.' Yes, a child born of great love and passion. So involved was I in my love and my expectations that I did not bother to look out of the bedroom window. Had I, I doubt if I would have assigned any importance to the occasional flick of moonlight that was reflected in the window of the apartment directly across from our own. If I had only known, I would have begged Daddy to move as quick as possible. All of this information became known to me later and came out at Daddy's trial. In looking back the whole thing seemed to have happened this way:
"The light I failed to recognize in the apartment opposite ours was a reflection in the lens of a pair of binoculars, held by a boy I didn't know. He was thirteen years old and a practiced 'peeping torn.' For weeks he had been watching Daddy and me making love! I am sure if that knowledge had been confined to Steve (that was the young observer's name) it would have gone no further. He was not a tease and, if anything, was a shy, inoffensive type, happy in his voyeurism. I am sure he would have been content to silently watch, but as luck would have it, he was caught in his harmless avocation by his rather straitlaced grandmother, who was with him that unfortunate night. It was during this period that I became aware of my expectancy. I told Daddy, as soon as I was sure, and he took me to a doctor for verification. We drummed up a 'rape-by-teen-age-thugs story.' The doctor went for the fiction, hook, line, and sinker. I, of course, did not know that Daddy's reason for this course of action was so that he and the doctor could arrange for a legal abortion! If I had known, I would have fought tooth and nail to have our child.
"So things appeared to run smoothly. Daddy and I had thought of everything, and I settled down to wait for an event which I knew was going to be the happiest of my young life. The only thing that I hadn't planned on was Steve. I had no idea that, in addition to watching Daddy and me make love each night, he kept a completely detailed diary in which he described acts, positions, and even facial expressions-and filed them under time and date.
"At the last check-up at the doctors, we found that I was too far gone to risk an abortion, and I was delirious, though Daddy was extremely upset. He feared that the baby might be born, in some way, defective, due to the close blood-relationship. I pooh-poohed his fears and scoffed them off as old wives' tales; he finally accepted the idea, and was soon as happily expectant as I.
"For three more months I was free of all frustrations. Daddy and I proved our love every night and sometimes in the afternoon. I became even more uninhibited. But, the sands in our glass of pleasure were soon to run out.
"We'd had a lovely day. A small supper with wine put us in a romantic mood. We'd gone to bed early, and even though my belly was rather large by this time, Daddy was aroused. Daddy was, oh, so gentle. Our movements were slow and deliberate-almost those of two gourmets savoring a delicious meal, yet not knowing it was to be our last. I think we both wanted to prolong our ultimate responses as long as we could. I pulled Daddy as close as I could get him towards me, wrapping my legs around him. I knew he was due to come, and I knew we could come together. I was ready, and he was ready, and just as we were to orgasm, I whispered into his ear: 'Oh! ... oh! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy....'
"Suddenly there was a crash! The door flew open with a splintering sound and the apartment-house manager and another man stood there staring at us with eyes wide open with astonishment and their jaws firm with determination.
"It had finally happened-the thing that I had subconsciously feared-the discovery of our tabooed love affair. I knew in that terrible instant that I had 'known' my father for the last time ever. The manager quickly moved forward, pulled Daddy off my steaming body, and nearly flung him against the wall. He turned to me and curtly ordered that I put something on. I was too shocked to do anything for a minute. I just stood there, stunned, with Daddy's sperm dripping down the insides of my legs. Daddy had regained some composure and had donned a shirt and a pair of slacks. He handed me a shift that was hanging on a peg in my closet, and I quietly slipped into it.
"We went into the living room, and the other man, whom the manager had presumably brought along as a witness, called the police. Daddy and I sat there, looking sadly into each other's eyes. When he left between two burly policemen, handcuffs cutting into wrists clasped behind his back, it was the last time I ever saw Daddy. As he struggled to get in the back seat of the patrol car, he turned for a brief instant; a slight smile of encouragement appeared on his face, and he winked confidently. It was all a sham, for Daddy was finished. Three days after his trial and conviction for criminal incest, he hung himself in his cell at the county jail. Six months later I had a baby boy, healthy and normal in all respects. Because I was a juvenile, they placed him in a foster home. I never did find out where it was.
"With all my faults, and in spite of all I lack in happiness and the kind of fulfillment that so few women ever get, I still have my passionate memories. No matter what society or the shrinks say, these are memories of joy and beauty for me, and I shall always love my wonderful Daddy!"
The resolution of the preceding case history-tragic and full of pathos as it is-is such that any commentary on it would be superfluous. The question of the validity-or of the inhumanity-of the incest taboo, of course, arises in cases such as that of Trixie and her father. The girl claims that the child was "healthy and normal in all respects." It is not impossible that he was; it is not improbable even that the same child will grow up to be a healthy and normal man, in all respects. The trauma that his mother, young Trixie, had undergone, and the aftereffects from which she will probably never escape, however, in a way negate the incestuous offspring's normalcy.