Chapter 3
GINNY WAS RESTLESS.
She was walking her dog through the park to kill time, but it bored her. She didn't like New York, she didn't like the people there. She hated her job and she didn't like her roommate, Ellen.
The only bright spot of the past year had been Earl Dreggs.
And yet, although he'd only lived with her for a week, already the thrill was beginning to wear off. He was nice to her, certainly. Perhaps, she thought, too nice. He was handsome, but not interesting. It was very strange, the way she felt. At first she had even been jealous of Ellen. Now, she realized with some surprise, she wouldn't care much if she found them in bed together. She might even think it humorous, after Ellen's protests about Earl moving in.
I guess it must be true about women being masochists, she told herself. Earl treats me so well, yet I don't love him. The only man I ever loved treated me like dirt. Laughed at me and left me.
Sebastian Wolff.
How she hated him. Just thinking of him had made her burn with hatred. She still retained a perfect picture of him as he left that final day. She was on the bed without clothes, and he stood in the doorway with that damnable grin of his. She was crying, and asked him to come back.
He said, "Well, Baby, it's been nice." And laughed.
She would have killed him then, if she had a gun. But even then, yes then most of all, she loved him.
She wandered aimlessly along, letting the dog lead her, hardly noticing the passing crowd of people. It was Saturday afternoon and the streets were jammed. Nearly everyone glanced at either Ginny or the Doberman, with admiration for both. But she didn't care.
She was thinking of Sebastian.
She wanted to see him, to see if she still felt the same thrill when he stood near her, touched her. And yet she dreaded seeing him for fear that it would be so, that she would be hurt again. The reason she had wanted Earl, Ginny decided, was that he was grouped in her recollections along with Sebastian. That was why she had virtually seduced him, hoping to find what she once had with Wolff. But it had not worked. And now she was living with a man whom she liked, did not want to hurt, but did not love.
And she was pretty sure that Dreggs loved her.
It put her in a spot. She did not want to sleep with any man but Sebastian, and she swore to herself that she would never let him touch her again. But what could she tell Earl? How could she let him know that she did not love him, that for one brief evening she had seen Sebastian Wolff in him and had made love to the image?
Ginny shook her head sadly and walked on, heading for home.
Earl was out looking for a job. He refused to live off her, decided that he would work and get a place of his own, that Ginny would come with him. He even mentioned marriage.
Ellen was away too. The thought of being alone, away from all these people appealed to her. She thought perhaps she would bar the door, when Earl returned she could pretend that she was out. Having decided to do this, she hurried to get home before him.
She saw the man from a block away, sitting on the steps of her apartment building. He wore a camel colored sweater and was smoking. Something about him was familiar, perhaps the relaxed way he sat. Yes, that was it, only one man could be that relaxed on stone steps. Ginny considered turning around, knew that she should, but her pace never slackened. Perhaps it increased a little.
Her heart did.
She stopped at the foot of the stairs. There was nothing she could say, she just looked at him. And he smiled.
Damn your white teeth! she thought.
"Ginny," said Sebastian Wolff. "Hello."
His voice was deep. It seemed to echo within her, in the caverns of her body, setting her very being vibrating in tune with him. He conducted her, like an orchestra.
"Hello, Sebastian," she said. Ignore him, curse him, spit on him. Damn him! she told herself. Don't speak to him, brush by him. But she said, "Hello," and waited, looking up at him.
The dog growled and stepped toward him.
"Recognizes the devil," Wolff said. "It's good to see you, Ginny. "How have you been?"
"Fine."
"Earl gave me your address."
The fool, she thought. Didn't he know? Didn't he really know?
"What do you want?" she asked.
"You."
"No, Sebastian. That's all over now, that was long ago. I suffered too much through you."
He stood up and stepped toward her. The dog snarled and moved back a step. Sebastian took one more step.
"He'll attack you," Ginny said.
"I'll kill him," said Sebastian Wolff, evenly, "if I must."
For a moment she hesitated. And then her last hope was gone. She knew what was happening, and was powerless to prevent it. She said, "Wait, I'll take him up."
Wolff nodded.
Ginny went up the stairs slowly, the dog trying to turn around. Dogs recognize evil, she thought. Sebastian followed behind, his heels clicking on the stairs.
Ginny opened her door and went in; put the Doberman in the other room and locked the door. Turning, she saw Sebastian standing in the doorway, leaning against it. He was lighting a cigarette, eyes squinting in the smoke, his body angled across the frame. She thought, he should have been an artist with that sense of design.
"Let's talk outside," she said.
Wolff stepped in, shutting the door. He said, 'You don't really want to go back out, do you?"
"Earl will be home soon," Ginny said. "I don't want him to think that we..."
"That we what?"
"Sebastian, he loves me. I don't want to hurt him." "Then you'd better lock the door." She crossed over and bolted it. When she turned, Sebastian kissed her, very lightly, on the forehead. "Still love me?" he asked.
"I hate you," Ginny told him. "I hate you more than anyone in the world, and I wish you were dead."
"Yes, of course," he said. "But do you love me?"
"Yes," she said.
Sebastian laughed. Ginny stood in front of him, eyes closed, hands clenched at her sides. She was helpless, hypnotized. Her swelling breasts rose with accelerated breathing.
"You're trembling," Wolff said. He turned and crossed to the chair by the window; sat down. He pulled the shade back and looked out at the street, blowing smoke.
"Nice view," he said.
"For God's sake, Sebastian. What do you want?"
"You. I told you. But there's no hurry, it's better to delay. Build up to a climax."
"Earl will be back."
"I don't care about Earl."
"I don't want him hurt."
"Then tell me to leave. If you love Earl, then tell me to get out."
"And will you go?"
"Yes, I'll go. Shall I?"
"I despise you. You are the devil on earth, Sebastian," Ginny said, her lips trembling.
"Yes, I'm that. But shall I go?"
"No," said Ginny. Her eyes dropped to the floor. Her insides were liquid, threatening to flow out of her, killing her.
"Come here," said Wolff.
She walked over to him.
"Look at me."
She did. She knew that she would do anything he said. She hated him, and she would die for him.
"Say you love me," Sebastian said.
"I love you," Ginny said. "I love you Sebastian. I love you. I hate you. I love you and god, I hate you. Please. I want you."
She dropped to her knees beside him, burying her head in his lap. He took her head in his hands, his large, rough hands stroked her hair. His fingers ran along the curve of her neck. Just his touch was fire on her skin. She dug her nails into his hands, wanting to hurt him, to love him.
"Oh, God. Sebastian. Take me, do what you want. I love you. Don't leave me ever. I love you."
He unbuttoned her dress at the back, slowly. Ginny tore it off, threw herself on him; ripped at his clothes. "Please," she gasped, "Please, now, don't wait. Right here on the floor."
Sebastian Wolff laughed. Just a little. Then he moved from the chair to Ginny. She lay back while he removed the rest of her clothes. She was afraid to look at him.
"You still have a lovely body, Ginny," he said, moving back to take his own clothes off. "A very lovely body."
"It belongs to you. All of it. Please," she said.
"Yes," said Sebastian. "It does at that."
Earl Dreggs had found a job as a clerk in a bookstore. He was rather happy about it; the word clerk sounded terrible, but bookstore was nice. Especially in Greenwich Village.
He stopped in a liquor store next to the bookstore and bought a bottle of good Rhine wine. "My anniversary," he told the man. Then he walked home through brisk autumn weather. Looking at the steel sky, he thought that soon it would snow.
As he passed he looked in the window, saw Sebastian Wolff. Wolff turned into a bar and did not see him; and Earl did not want to see Wolff. He was too anxious to get home. He stopped until Wolff had disappeared, then hurried by.
As he passed he looked in the window, saw Eebastian sitting at the bar. There was a red flower tucked behind his ear. Strange, thought Earl, a rose behind his ear. What a strange guy Sebastian is.
Well, the hell with the eccentricities of Sebastian Wolff, he thought, I have more important things to think about. And do. I believe I have made my last trip with Wolff.
He turned in at the apartment and went up. The door was unlocked, and he went in. Ginny was not in the front room. He crossed to the kitchen, heard the dog scratching at the door and whining. Where is she? he wondered, moving to the bedroom.
The room was dark. He could barely see Ginny on the bed. He went over to her, holding out the bottle of wine. "Celebration?" he asked. She did not answer.
Earl snapped on the light. Ginny was stretched out on her back, completely naked. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing regularly. But her face was streaked with tears, and her body was wet with sweat. He knew that something was wrong.
"Ginny," he said.
She stirred. "Sebastian," she murmured.
Earl turned the light out. He stood there for a second, then left the room. He stood in the front room, listening to the dog scratching on the door. And looking at the table.
On the table was a vase with flowers which he had bought for Ginny. A dozen roses. Eleven now.
And one broken stem.
Earl left, snapping the lock on the door, and walked toward the bar where he had seen Sebastian. He wanted to feel angry, to feel like killing, but he really felt like getting drunk. Even getting drunk with Wolff. What is there about the man, he asked himself? It's as though Wolff isn't real, he's a symbol to me. Why? He thought that he would force himself to hit Wolff, at least to slap him. To throw a beer in his face. He could force that action and then he would have to fight, if he knew Wolff's temper. And knowing Wolff's temper, he thought, I haven't a chance against him. And yet it's not that, I'm not afraid. I just feel no emotion.
He came to the bar. Sebastian still sat there, drinking a beer. The flower was on the bar in front of him, and as Earl watched he raised it to his nose and smelled it.
Earl turned and walked on down the street, cursing himself.
There is only one way to avenge myself on Wolff, he told himself. And even as he thought it he knew that revenge wasn't what he wanted but rather to forget Ginny lying naked on the bed, to forget the broken flower and the mental picture of Sebastian in bed with her, of Ginny trembling with the same desire he had seen in her so often, perhaps even more desire with Wolff than with himself. The picture of Wolff rolling over for a cigarette, flashing those white teeth in satisfaction, beside Ginny's spent naked body.
"Oh, God," he said, "what a fool I am."
He walked to Christine's, his eyes burning.
She was home, writing. She said, "Hi, Earl. Sebastian isn't here. Come on in, he should be home soon."
He stepped in. As she turned he grasped her in both arms and pulled her to him, kissing her. When he let her go, he was panting and wide-eyed. She stepped back calmly.
"That was stupid Earl," she said. There was no fear in her voice, not even much disgust.
"Oh, hell," he said, "I can't even rape a woman."
"What is the matter with you?" Chris asked. He was white and wild-eyed, breathing hard. He looked ready to cry.
"Chris ... that goddam Sebastian ... he was at Ginny's. Made love to her."
'Are you sure?" she asked.
He nodded.
"I'm sorry," she said. "For both of us."
Earl crossed the room, sat on the edge of a table. He was more under control now, and lit a cigarette. Christine went over to him and took him hand.
"I'm really sorry. You loved her?"
"I thought so. Probably not. It's just that. . . seeing her," he broke off, thought for a moment, drew on the cigarette.
"Chris," he said, "I want to sleep with you. I really think I should. I mean, I have to ... do you see why? It's him, Wolff. I have to take something of his."
Chris shook her head. "Earl," she said, "I can understand how you feel, but that won't do any good."
"I think it will," he said. "Chris, let me sleep with you. I want Wolff to come home and see you naked, satisfied. I want to laugh."
"Earl ... don't you see. Sebastian would laugh too," Chris said. "He would laugh and it would destroy both of us."
Earl put one hand to his head. He said, "I'm sorry, Chris, I shouldn't have come here. I felt ... as if ... I don't know. She was a whore, anyway. Why blame Sebastian."
"I love Sebastian," Chris said. "He can do what he wants, I'll always love him."
Dreggs left. He stood in the street for a moment, then headed back to Ginny's. He hoped that she would still be naked on the bed, still wet from love. He wanted to force himself between those wet thighs while she was still asleep, to beat savagely against her.
He no longer loved her, if he ever had. He hated her, if there were any feeling. But he also felt a fierce desire for her, a desire stemming not so much from himself as from the image he had created of Sebastian making love to her. He wanted to take her and pretend that he was Sebastian. To watch from a distance as though it were two other people.
He didn't want it to be something lovely, beautiful. He wanted it to be sinful, degrading, degenerate. He wanted to do every imaginable thing to her voluptuous body, to defile it in every way he could think of. And then to laugh.
As Sebastian Wolff would laugh.
As he was sure that Sebastian Wolff had laughed.
He reached the apartment and started up the stairs, his emotions a turmoil of strange sensations. He tried the door and found it unlocked again; went in.
Ginny was standing there. She had a robe on now, but her face was. white as snow. She said, "Oh ... Earl. I thought it was Sebastian."
"Yes, I know. I was here before." Seeing her, all his intentions vanished. He felt no lust, only sadness.
"He had me, Earl. I gave myself to him." He didn't answer.
"I'm sorry. Earl, I like you. But he is a magnet, he has me hypnotized. I'll do whatever he says, always. I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you myself, before you found out."
"I wish you had," Dreggs said. He felt limp now. Tired.
"There's nothing more to say," Ginny told him.
"Will he come to see you again?"
"Oh God, I don't know. I hope so, but I don't know. Earl, I want nothing on earth but Sebastian Wolff."
Earl nodded. He went to the closet and started gathering his clothes. Then to the bathroom for his shaving equipment. Ginny watched him with no trace of feeling. She seemed drugged.
He had all his gear packed. He went to the door, meaning to leave without any words. It all seemed so anti-climactic, and somehow unreal. He almost enjoyed this feeling of being empty.
"Goodbye, Earl," Ginny said.
Her voice was low, and normal. It broke the spell. Earl put his suitcase down and went over to her. He kissed her on the mouth, and she did not resist. Nor did she respond.
"Is it goodbye?" he asked her.
She still made no response. She was standing before him, as if in another world. In a world of her own, in which there was no place for Earl Dreggs. A very sad world where Ginny knew she would never be happy, and yet the only world in which she wanted to live.
The realization of this came to Dreggs, he knew the absolute uselessness of further words. And yet there was some need in him to say more. Just one last chance, predestined to failure and caused by some masochism in his nature; a useless attempt which could only increase his suffering.
He said, "Ask me to stay, Ginny. Ask me to forgive you, and I will. I love you."
She shook her head.
He wanted to hit her. In that pale, sad face. Wanted to leave in a storm of emotion, hatred even. But here was not even that. Very slowly he went out and closed the door. He stood for a moment with not a thought in his mind, completely blank. Then he left.
Sebastian had left the bar. Earl sat and drank fast, wanting to fill this void with something. But of course, it did not work.
A little later it started to snow.