Chapter 11
Dan paused on the third floor landing, a catch in his side causing a sharp pain as he breathed hard. He looked up to the fourth floor, trying to hear even a snatch of music from the apartment as a clue to Little One's mood. Phil had seemed strangely subdued when he had left, almost as if he didn't mind having been left alone for the day.
Dan heard nothing and, for an instant, another type of pain gripped him. He was always before greeted with music.
He slowly climbed the last stairs and opened the door to a silent, dark apartment. Instantly a strong odor slapped him in the face, galvanizing him to action. He fumbled for the light, at the same time calling frantically, "Phil, are you here?"
He knocked over a chair as he ran to the kitchen and silenced the ominous hiss of gas from the range. After flinging open a window, he looked about the living room and then ran into the bedroom, where he found Phil sprawled on his bed.
After turning off the gas on the heater near the bed, he flung open the window. A breath of rain-dampened air rushed into the room as he turned back to Phil, who lay on his side, his mouth open slightly as he breathed shallowly. Beside the boy on the bed was a small bottle that had been nearly full of sleeping tablets when Dan last saw it. Now it was empty.
Roughly Dan pulled Phil to a sitting position, slapping him and shouting his name. Phil stirred and mumbled incoherently.
"Phil! Phil, wake up! It's me, Dan."
The boy moved slightly in his arms, almost falling back on the bed. Gritting his teeth, Dan pulled him to the side of the bed, then forced his fingers deep into the boy's throat. Phil gagged, and a weak stream of milky fluid poured forth onto the floor.
When Phil could vomit no more, Dan pulled him to his feet and dragged him into the bathroom. Supporting the groggy youth with one trembling hand, Dan fumbled with the shower handle. When a blast of cold water spewed forth, he forced Phil under the stream.
Each second seemed like hours, but finally Phil was standing by himself, although still weaving groggily. Dan lost track of the time, but finally turned the water off and helped the youngster out.
On the slippery tile floor he jerked Phil's T-shirt off, then loosened his trousers. He took a towel and helped Phil dry himself. His own clothes were soaked, too, and for a moment he let Phil sit on the commode while he stripped.
Then, as Phil began nodding again, Dan jerked him to his feet and led him to the bedroom.
"Why, PhU? Why?" Dan demanded as he helped the boy into dry clothing.
He was greeted only by wracking sobs.
"Come on," Dan demanded.
Getting no response, he grabbed Phil's hand and forced him to stand.
"Got to keep you awake. Let's walk."
Drowsily Phil stumbled into the living room, which was still strong with the odor of gas, and Phil began nodding again. Brusquely Dan grabbed him by the arm and led him to the door.
They must have walked an hour or more, stopping occasionally at diners where Dan bought coffee to go. The first time he forced the strong, black liquid between Phil's lips, most of it immediately was retched back up onto the sidewalk.
Phil began sobbing again, but he still refused to talk.
It began to drizzle again, and they returned to the apartment. Phil was beginning to be revived and Dan allowed him to sit on the sofa while he brewed more coffee. This time Phil slowly drank the liquid, and it did not come back up.
Dan sat beside him, his eyes glistening with pent-up anger, fear and concern.
"Why? Oh, God, Phil, why?"
Phil shook his head slowly, his body again wracked by sobs.
"Is there anything wrong that I don't know about?"
"It's . . . I don't know. I was just sitting here this afternoon. It was raining and.. . . "
He did not mention his visit to Sartain; somehow that shame was too much to reveal.
"But why? You have me. What made you--? "
"I got to thinking about us, and what everybody back home might say. Then I thought what might happen if you ever.. . I don't know, Dan. It just seemed so hopeless."
Dan nodded; the feeling was not strange to him. He gripped Phil's hand firmly.
"But I'm here, and luckily in time. Don't ever think such things. Next time I might not be in time."
Tears rolled down Phil's cheeks as he turned away. That shameful scene with Sartain was so vivid still; it must always remain a secret.
"Sometimes I get to thinking about us," Phil went on. "And the fact that nobody really knows about me, and that they would have nothing at all to do with me if they.. . . "
"Damn it, Phil, stop this sort of thinking," Dan suddenly flared. "Nobody's going to know, even if it mattered. People like you for what you are, not what you may do in the bedroom behind closed doors."
Sometime's I get to thinking that everybody already knows, and they're being nice only because they have toj or because it's your play and they have to be nice to me because I'm with you."
"Stop it! Just stop such rubbish right now! You've got more friends than you know, and it's not because of me or anybody else but yourself. Sure, some people don't care for you, but I've got enemies, too. Everybody does.
"You've got more on the ball than half those damned high-paid electricians who sit around most of the time backstage, spitting on the floor. It's just because of the damned unions that you're not up there running lights on the show. Just ignore those few bigots who realize you know more than they do and are jealous and scared you ll show 'em up.
Phil turned and flung himself into Dan's arms, burying his head in Dan's shoulder.
"Oh, God, Dan, it was so horrible. I'll never try anything like that again. Never!"
Dan drew him even closer, lovingly stroking the boy's hair and forsaking words, communicating his love and concern by mutual silence. Phil gratefully pressed his sobbing body against Dan's.
"Hey there, better not fade out yet. I don't want you to bug out permanently, and I'm not at all certain-"
"Could we-is it too late to go to the park?" Phil whispered.
"In the rain?"
"I'd like it. The lights are so pretty in all the buildings through the rain."
"Maybe the fresh air will be good for you, too."
The rain had dwindled to a drizzle when they slipped out of the building and turned down the deserted street toward the small park. They walked slowly, holding hands and enjoying the mist gently blowing against their faces.
The park was deserted, the overhead lamps glistening softly in the puddles of water on the asphalt paving. For several moments they strolled aimless, then spreading their raincoats carefully they sat down on a bench that afforded a good view of the midtown skyline.
Phil snuggled close, his head resting against Dan, whose arm crept around the lad's shoulder and held him protectively.
"It's so nice on a rainy night. All the ugliness seems to be washed away," Phil said. "I wish I never had to go away, to leave you. Home is going to be so dull after this."
Dan smiled. Phil's comments were an echo of what he had once said summers ago when he spent his first allotted time in the magic city and found it time to return home.
It certainly was the plaintive cry of hundreds of others who had discovered the secret of the city that the masses never did. That beauty and charm could be found even amid the ugliest of things, if one but tried. Perhaps the beauty would be a tiny thing that would be taken for granted elsewhere. An awareness would ferret it out so one could appreciate the flowering plant in a drab window sill, a mystical blending of vesper bells from the seminary across the way calling the rustling robed students to evening prayers in a soot-blackened church as dusk muted the ugliness and turned the scene into an Old Master.
Perhaps the beauty would be the footsteps of a companion on the stair, a lover who momentarily would burst into the apartment, out of breath after four flights but still be able to smile and scorch fingers as he investigated the bubbling pots on the stove.
Beauty could be a five a.m. stroll along flower row just off Broadway, where burly men unloaded delicate flowers from tfucks and arranged them on wooden platforms with gentle hands foreign to the rougliness of language and appearance.
"How can I ever apologize enough?" Phil whispered, breaking the spell.
"Don't try. You don't have to explain if you don't want to. Everybody has moments in which they give up all hope."
"I'm so ashamed. It was so foolish. I don't know really why I would do-everything just seemed so hopeless. Why did I have to become this way? Why couldn't I be happy living at home with my family and friends and marry some girl my parents approved of? But girls always seem so silly."
"It's not an uncommon situation, Phil. I've often asked myself why such things happen. Life deals many blows, just as it allows us many undeserving moments of happiness. Maybe it's a blow to you that you can't settle down and marry some girl back home. But how many fellows your age have experienced what you have in a field they love like the theater?
"You just have to do the best you can in the circumstances, and say to hell with those who don't understand, or won't try. The world is more and more coming to accept gay life. As I've told you, sex can be many things. It can be dirty, or it can be beautiful, just what people make of it.
"Some will say our affection, our love is dirty and obscene, but you're old enough to know your own feelings. You were not forced into something against your will. Two people loving each other in their own way should offend no one. It disgusts me as much as any to see a vulgar display-between a man and woman as well as between men.
"Just live your own life the way you think best, and everything'll work out."
Phil tried to stifle a yawn, but failed. With a smile, Dan urged him to his feet.
"You've had enough talk for many a night. What you need now is a good sleep, and not with the help of any little white pills."
Slowly they made their way back to the apartment.
Immediately after the door closed behind them, Phil threw himself into Dan's arms and kissed him passionately. He led Dan to the bedroom where he quickly stripped his lover's clothes off and knelt before him to kiss his fast-rising cock.
He almost brought Dan to a climax before he paused and quickly undressed. They fell onto the bed and passionately sucked one another's throbbing cocks until with moans and gasps they both triggered mutual explosions.
With a final kiss, Phil fell back on the mattress and almost immediately was asleep.
For some time Dan sat on the edge of the bed, listening to the youth's now normal breathing, and then too stretched out and fell asleep.