Chapter 4
When Ellie awakened the next morning, she could remember her dreams and they scared her. She had spent the previous day in bed, sleeping fitfully, and when people came to the door she told them that she was ill. Cindy Wheeler had come by and stayed at the door for a long time, trying to talk Ellie into letting her in, but Ellie was suspicious even of her; she recoiled from any human contact. But that too was no solution to her problems. She found that, cut off from her friends, she spent all her time brooding endlessly on painful subjects, unable to do anything but sleep.
Then the dreams came when she had had enough sleep. Dozing fitfully, she had terrifying dreams in which three people figured, Mike Taylor, Burt Conroy, and - someone else, she couldn't be sure who. The other person was faceless and threatening.
The dreams all revolved around the same scene. She was lying beside a pool. The pool was dark and deep, the waters peaceful. There was no wind, the world was dead, the forest quiet. Half asleep by the pool, she caught glimpses of bright fishes that surfaced and caused shimmering circles of tiny waves that extended to the rocky shore and bounced back. She gazed at them, fascinated. Kneeling there by the pool, she was astonished at the size of the fish, their curious activity, their slipperiness. While she was in that position, she suddenly felt herself being grabbed from behind by someone, someone rough, someone who rammed a stiff piece of flesh up against her. Then that stiff, lumpy member lodged in her body, breaking into her roughly, and Ellie, looking down, saw that the innocent slit between her legs, the petals of delicate flesh, pink and sweet, had grown into something ugly, something disgusting. A growth of wiry hair was in tangles down there, messy with something slick and heavy-smelling, and that huge, lumpy piece of flesh seemed to be growing out of that ugly hole.
Then it plunged deep into her, flipping aside the lips around that awesome red gash, and, with a sound like that of inner tubes being flopped against each other, the air rushed out of her. She gasped. Spread-eagled on the hard rock, belly to its heated surface, she screamed for help, but the faceless being that was on her back simply plunged its erect penis deep into her, again and again, as if stabbing her, and before long, sobbing, she subsided dumbly and lay motionless.
When she turned to see who it was, the person on her back got up and moved away. She lay there on the rock, scarcely breathing. The forest was coming to life around her; birds chirped and fluttered in the shrubbery, a cottontail scampered from one bush to another.
But the person who had raped her was still faceless. She looked away briefly. It wasn't until she looked back again, trying to focus on the mysterious rapist, that she discovered she could see his face. It was Burt for a moment, then Mike. With infuriating slowness the image changed. But Ellie knew somehow, with that peculiar and relentless logic of our dreams, that the faceless person was neither Burt nor Mike, but someone else entirely, someone in her past. When the realization came on her, she woke up.
She lay there, shaken, not admitting to herself what she had become aware of. At the same time she was experiencing a feeling of intense sexuality, a feeling that her whole being was being consumed by an intense desire for something, for love, for sex. She discovered with a feeling verging on horror that she was squeezing her legs together - hard, trying to satisfy the insatiable feeling of lust there between her legs.
She got up quickly and stripped off the sodden panties that clung to her, then fell on the floor in a wet lump. Running to the bathroom, she washed her hands. She looked at herself in the mirror. Under the skimpy nightgown her body was slender, yet flawlessly rounded. With a start she realized that she had become a woman; that at some point in the past year or two, without realizing it, she had acquired the slinky, voluptuous lines of a woman. She was no longer a young girl.
The realization left her shaken. Her parents, it was clear, had become aware of the transformation before her. That would account for the arguments they had had, the whippings she had received at the hands of her father, a grim, tight-lipped contractor who walked very upright and held uncompromising views on everything, especially morality.
When Ellie had left home to take a job, her parents had told her never to come back. She had felt bereft, lost. But gradually her bright spirits had returned as she made a small success of her job and earned the respect of the other employees at the company where she worked.
But now everything was changing so fast! She was experiencing new things, meeting new people, encountering new crises - all so very fast, much faster than she could stand. She realized another thing, too. For a time there she had been experimenting with her body.
She had lain naked under a sun lamp - not where anyone could see her, of course - and had taken long baths, steeping luxuriously in hot water flooded with fragrant suds. It had all seemed so innocent. After all, if this was what her body longed for, why should she deny it?
But it wasn't that simple at all. The experience the day before yesterday, with Burt and Liz, had taught her that her experiments were punished quickly and violently. That was the first time she actually took off her clothes outside and luxuriated in the warmth of the afternoon sun under a blue sky, feeling the warmth penetrate her body, feeling the intensely sensual feeling of it. It was also the last time. She simply could not handle such an experience again, not at any cost.
She moved away from the mirror, feeling secretly pleased at her delicate beauty and somewhat ashamed of herself for feeling that way. Now, in any case, it was necessary to get her life on an even keel once again. She would begin by having some breakfast. Ham and eggs - she was starved - -and maybe some of that good bread she had brought home from the village the other day.
She went into the kitchen. Before she could so much as crack an egg, however, the doorbell rang. Ellie stood poised in the middle of the kitchen. She would not answer it, not for anything. If it was Cindy she would pry; if it was Dr. Reynolds he would be sympathetic.
She didn't even want sympathy, not now.
The doorbell persisted with its relentless, infuriating buzzing. Would it ever-stop? Ellie stood there, irresolute, for two or three minutes, waiting, but the doorbell continued to buzz. "I'm coming!" she called finally. She went over to the door. "Who is it?" The doorbell continued to buzz. No one answered. Ellie opened the door a crack, then jumped back, startled, when the door opened the rest of the way of its own accord.
Burt Conroy stood there in front of her, leaning on the doorbell. He had pushed the door open.
"Please - " He took his thumb from the doorbell and stepped into the cabin.
"Please, I don't want to be - "
"Ellie, Ellie baby, we're friends, remember?"
"Please - " Ellie didn't know what to say. Something in his dark eyes, some intense purpose, made her hesitate. She had known one man with this kind of flashing intensity, with this kind of violent, irresistible resolve: her father.
"I just wanted to visit you, that's all."
"Burt, I'm not dressed, what if somebody should see?"
"Okay. Okay. Get dressed. I'll stay right here. I won't do a thing."
Relaxed, confident, he sent her on her way.
At the door of her bedroom she glanced back and saw him watching her. There was something unpleasant in his gaze, something insolent. And at the same time there was a quality of determination, almost maniacal, that made her shudder. She came back a few minutes later, clad in a skirt and blouse. Burt was lying back in the couch. He watched her as she came in, without comment.
"Burt, I haven't had breakfast yet. Can I talk to you later?"
"When?"
"I don't know. Later. I'll - I'll see you by the pool or something."
He considered this for a moment, nodding his head. "All right. Only we'll go for a walk, Liz doesn't want to talk to you in front of other people."
"Liz -?"
"Uh huh. Liz."
"What - what doss Liz have to do with it?"
"Quite a bit, actually. You know, it really blew her mind when she saw you watching us the other day."
"I wasn't - "
"Sure, I know. But Liz didn't see it that way. You know of course that we're getting married? Liz and me."
"You mean you didn't know that? I thought everybody knew about it. Sure. That's why Liz was so upset, after all. She thought you and I had something going. And when she saw you there the first thing that went through her mind was that you were cutting in. And with us getting married in two weeksƒ_"well, you can see how her mind was working. She just went out of her head. Liz loves me, she really does. And when I finally convinced her that you didn't have any way of knowing we'd be up there, she really felt bad. In fact, she's pretty broken up about the whole thing. And she wanted to apologize to you, to talk to you personally." He looked at her intently for a moment. "Good Lord, you didn'tƒ_"you don't mean to tell me' you thought we'd be doing all that if we weren't getting married, do you?
Wow!"
"I didn'tƒ_"I didn't mean anything. I didn't think anything." Ellie looked profoundly tragic as she stood there in the middle of the living room. "Please believe me, I didn't thing anything at all. Not anything."
"Wow!" said Burt again. He shook his head and looked away. 'That's really heavy. Liz isn't that kind of girl, Ellie."
"Burt! I didn't think anything. I really didn't. Anyway, I've already forgotten about the whole thing. Just tell Liz that I didn't take it personally at all. It's over."
"Liz feels pretty bad about it. I mean, she just wants to talk to you about it, to tell you herself, personally, where it's at with her." He spoke in an earnest, soothing tone of voice.
"It's not a lot to ask of you, is it?"
"I guess not. I'm sorry, Burt, I guess I'm just being foolish."
"That's all right. Let's make it, say, two o'clock. I'll see you over at Fall Creek, where the trail from the camp meets it."
"Iƒ_"I guess so. I guess I owe it to Liz." If only he would leave! Ellie wanted him to leave so very bad, and yet she couldn't be impolite. She would agree to anything to get him to leave. He reminded her of such intensely unpleasant experiences; he reminded her of sex, of violence, of - of that experience she had had, years ago, and had never talked to anyone about, not even her best friends. Not even Cindy Wheeler.
"You'll be there then?" Burt was saying.
"Yes. Yes, I'll be there. At two o'clock. At the creek." If only he would leave!
Burt smiled and nodded. "Good. Liz will appreciate it, she really will. You know, that whole affair was really hard on her. She feels pretty bad about it."
"I'm sorry," said Ellie. She stood in the middle of the room, poised to move to the door when he got up.
Finally he did get up, after looking around and commenting on the furnishings of the cabin.
"Very light and bright and airy, isn't it?" Standing up, he winced.
"What's the matter?"
"Oh, nothing. Just my feet. I took a long hike yesterday, barefoot, and my feet are kind of sore."
"That's too bad," said Ellie, trying to put sympathy into her voice.
"Yeah. Well, that's life. You win some, you lose some."
Then he left, waving to her cheerily from the door. But Ellie stood there for a moment and wondered. Now what, she said to herself, did he "mean by that.
It was only a few minutes after Burt's departure that the doorbell rang again. This time Ellie opened the door almost immediately, thinking that it would be Cindy, that she would have someone to confide in, someone to consult. But it was Dr. Reynolds. Somehow the very sight of him was comforting. He looked like the average country doctor, not like a psychiatrist at all. Dressed in baggy khakis, wearing a plaid shirt and a battered felt hat, he seemed so completely harmless, so kindly, that Ellie almost felt like hugging him. He had a fishing rod in his hand and a creel over his shoulder.
"How are you, girl? I missed you yesterday."
"I'm all right. I just stayed in yesterday. I read a book."
"Oh? And what did little Ellie read?"
"Just a novel."
"Faulkner's Sanctuary, I bet."
"How did you know?" - "Simple deduction. That's the only book I see in the room. Therefore, that's what you read yesterday."
Ellie was silent for a moment. She had to talk to Doc Reynolds, to him or to someone else.
But she had to talk. "Doc - " But then she didn't know how to go on. She stood there for a moment. "Come on into the kitchen, I'm going to fix some breakfast. Would you like something? Some bacon and eggs?"
"Ellie, it sounds delicious. But I was going to invite you out for breakfast."
"No, we'll eat here. I don't want to go anywhere just now."
She went into the kitchen while Doc Reynolds watched her gravely. In the kitchen she got eggs and bacon out of the refrigerator. Then she heated the frying pan and laid strips of bacon in it. Doc Reynolds watched her. He had seated himself at the little table in the kitchen after putting his rod and creel in the corner. After a moment Ellie became uncomfortable under his gaze.
"Are you going fishing, Doc?"
"In a way. I'm trying to find out things. I'm trying to find out something about my little Ellie, about what makes her tick. Oh, I'll go catch some trout, too, but not until everybody else has tromped through the stream. And in the meantime I want to talk to you about some things."
"Like -?"
He shrugged. "Maybe it's none of my business. Maybe I ought to stop right now and go catch those trout before they die of old age."
"There aren't any trout in the stream, Doc. I know because I saw Burt fishing the other day and he didn't catch any. Not even little ones."
"Burt," said the old man thoughtfully. "That's not his kind of fishing, is it, Ellie? Anyway, you didn't answer my question. Or maybe you did after all. Maybe I just ought to keep my big mouth shut and stay out of your business."
"No, Doc." Ellie came over and touched him on the arm. The old man looked up at her gravely. "I need someone to talk to. I just don't know how to start, that's all."
He looked relieved. "Maybe I don't either. Even though I know what I want to talk to you about. Even though I came here because I wanted to talk to you about your friends."
"My friends?"
"People like Burt Conroy. He visited you just now."
"Is that why you came over? Just because Burt stopped by?"
"It's a good enough reason. How well do you know Burt, Ellie?"
She stared intently at the frying bacon. "Not well. Not well at all. In fact, until the day before yesterday I don't think I spoke two words to him. He's just - just another fellow, that's all."
"But a very attractive one."
"No! Well, maybe he is attractive. I don't know, I don't date much. I don't date at all, Doc," she said suddenly, turning to him. "Burt means nothing to me, nothing at all. I don't like people like that, they scare me. They're so confident, so sure of what they want. I don't like them. But - "
"But he's hard to shake off, isn't he? He has something about him, something that makes it hard to refuse him."
"I guess so. But I can take care of myself. I don't need any help."
"No? Can Shirley Wilson take care of herself?"
"Huh? What do you mean by that? What's Shirley got to do with it?" She cracked two eggs into the frying pan while the bacon drained.
"Did Burt say anything about his feet being sore?" he asked, ignoring her question.
"Doc! What are you talking about? Shirley Wilson, Burt's sore feet - what do they have to do with each other?"
"Quite a bit, actually. You see, Burt and Shirley went for a ride on his motorcycle. A few hours later Shirley came back, alone, riding the motorcycle. And about six, seven hours after that Burt came back. It was late at night, but somebody saw him come into camp, sneaking through the trees toward his cabin."
"They had a fight, obviously," said Ellie. "That happens, after all."
"Ellie, Burt was naked."
"Naked -?"
"Shirley wouldn't tell anybody what had happened, but she was pretty upset. And I know enough about Burt Conroy to have a fair idea that whatever happened was pretty unpleasant. Now I'm not going to tell tales, not any more at least, but I do want you to know what you're getting into when you run around with a fellow like Burt. He's restless, Ellie. Restless and very vindictive. He's been going around for years punishing people for what he thinks they did to him. Punishing women."
Ellie remembered the scene on Spindler Creek and shuddered. She was silent as she served a platter of eggs and bacon to Doc Reynolds.
"There are a lot of people like Burt Conroy," said Doc Reynolds. "And they're not your kind, Ellie. I'd stay away from him if I were you." He dug his fork into the egg in front of him, and his voice took on ^ more cheerful note. "Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?"
"Oh, Doc." Ellie felt tears forming in her eyes, "I don't - I don't know how to tell you, how to talk about it."
"Just relax, girl. Just relax and talk. You'll feel better for it."
Ellie sat down, hands in her lap, and started to talk, staring intently at the floor.